Original subtitles

Did you get O 'Hara yet?

Why do you mean his line's busy? I know that character. He's just left the phone

off the hook again.

I've got to get him. He's got to rush out to Edwards Air Force Base right

The weather's changed. They put the X -15 test flight up ahead the whole day.

Oh, never mind. I know where I can get him.

Will somebody get the phone?

Hello? You were just visiting, Annabelle.

Hello?

Oh, good morning, Mr. Burns.

Uh -huh.

Yes, sir. I'll tell Tim right away.

Angela, halt!

Mother, you're not in the waves anymore. I've got to wake Tim up.

Oh, I'll wake him up, Aunt Laura Lee. Well, Annabelle, dear, you'll not only

wake him up, you'll shake him up.

I forgot.

Yes, well, don't forget again, dear.

Especially in the morning when a man's metabolism is just starting to do

whatever it is a man's metabolism does.

You see, girls, he's wide awake. It's best to be brutal.

Tim, your editor called, and he wants you to cover the flight of the X -15.

It's been moved up a day.

Thanks, Angie.

Annabelle.

Now, that's what I was telling you girls about a man's metabolism.

Tim, get dressed.

Boy, stay with it.

Mach 5 .3.

A little trouble with vertical stability.

Hey, there's an unknown on my radar.

A flip on a collision course with the X -15.

I'm gaining on it fast.

Overtaking it. Impossible.

Look, I'm tracking it now.

Mach 5 .4.

Whatever it is, it's going over 9 ,000 miles an hour.

Oh, come on. There just must be something wrong with this thing. That's

Mach 5 .9.

Oh, no, no. Not those things again.

Sommermeyer, check your oxygen supply. Stop babbling that nonsense about flying

saucers. It's probably just a speck in your eye.

Yes, sir.

I'm turning now for the landing.

Afraid he needs a rest.

Lips off my scope now.

Oh, good. Shut it off. Darn thing probably doesn't work anyway.

I'm just happy that that reporter wasn't around to start splashing it over the

papers that our pilots are seeing flying saucers. And the radar's picking up

stuff that isn't even there. Maybe it was a meteorite or a piece of a

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, hi, Colonel. Am I late? Oh, Harold. Great show. The show's over. But it was

just a routine flight.

If you could just give me the speed, let me interview the pilot. Yeah, I'm

sorry. I can't give you any information right now. Yes, you're pushing me. Am I?

How about that? No, wait a minute. Why so much secrecy if this is just a

flight? Why can't I interview someone?

Why are you sweating in an air -conditioned room? Now, what happened?

Something's going on inside.

Are you through?

What are you waiting for me to say? Take me to your leader?

Who are you?

Well, I could give you some wild tale of being a Russian astronaut or the

designer of an experimental spacecraft.

But the plain fact of the matter is, I'm from Mars.

Mars? Mars.

Now, don't look so astonished.

I'm a professor of anthropology from Mars, specializing in this primitive

planet. Mars?

I'm afraid you got hit a little harder than you think.

That idiot in your antique rocket plane almost ran into me.

You mean the X -15?

Now I'm marooned on this backward planet until I can repair my ship.

Now, hold it, hold it, hold it.

You mean the X -15 almost... Almost ran into your, um... That thing.

Precisely. It was lumbering along at barely 4 ,000 miles an hour.

I had to strain my ship to get out of its way.

You know how fast he was going?

I can tell you to the fifth decimal place.

Oh, that idiot at the controls reported me to his base as a flying saucer.

Ooh.

Well, just don't sit there.

I've been hurt.

Come on, we'll go to my car.

You'll have to carry me.

Takes me a little while to get used to the Earth's gravity. I weigh so much

here. Yeah.

Well, it isn't Mars, but it's, uh, tone.

Now, the question is, how are we going to get you inside without Mrs. Brown

spotting us?

Uh, just give me a second.

Nobody will see me now, but you'll still have to carry me in.

All right, come on, come on.

How did you do that?

It isn't easy. If I have to do it again in my condition, you're going to have a

very sick Martian on your hands.

Let's go, let's go.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh.

Give me your hand.

Oh, no.

Square.

Beat it.

Go away.

I'll take care of him.

Stop gawking and get me to bed.

Well, I... It's kind of a charade.

I'm pretending I'm carrying an invisible man into the house.

How do you

feel now?

Oh, better, thanks.

Oh, your atmosphere.

So rich in oxygen.

It's like breathing in a thick chocolate malted milk.

Malted milk? Malted milk? How would a Martian know about that?

Now, since modesty forbids my calling attention to my superior intellect, I'll

confine myself to saying that I am the greatest living authority on the subject

of your planet.

I've visited here many times, especially in the last 150 years.

150 years?

How old are you?

Let's just say I'm approaching the prime of my life.

But if you've been here before, how come there haven't been headlines about you

all over the world? Well, as long as I don't wear a sign on my back saying I am

a Martian, who would ever know?

And no one you met ever suspected?

Not even Thomas Jefferson.

And he was a fairly bright fellow.

For native ends.

You know, you Earth people are handicapped.

You only use a small portion of your brain.

We Martians use all of ours.

I can't believe it.

The trouble is, you're too intelligent to believe it.

You people battle me.

So illogical.

So emotional.

Earth's all right for a visit, but I wouldn't want to live here.

Well, you've got to live here now, whether you like it or not. I'm afraid

stuck. Only temporarily.

I'll leave as soon as I can repair my spaceship, and no one will be the wiser

but you. No, no, no. You're not leaving until I get a story on this and the

pictures. I'm going to get the Pulitzer Prize for this. I'm sorry.

But you're not going to be able to write that story.

But I've got to write it. I'm a newspaper man.

You wouldn't be for long.

Nobody would believe you.

Pick up the phone.

Call your editor.

Tell him you found a real live Martian.

Go ahead.

But it's the truth.

No, no, no.

They wouldn't believe you.

I'll prove it.

I'll bring them here and I'll show you to them. I'll disappear.

And you know I can do it.

Is that how a person from a superior planet shows his gratitude?

I may seem ungrateful, but I believe I know what would happen.

Suppose you did win the Pulitzer Prize.

You wouldn't deserve it, and you wouldn't be able to live up to it.

You'd be a one -day wonder, and that's all.

And you wouldn't want that, would you?

Incidentally.

There's a very attractive brunette walking up your steps right now.

How'd you know that?

She's thinking very warm thoughts about you.

How do you know that?

You mean you can read minds?

Unless there's a conscious effort to shut me out. For instance, I know

what you're thinking about the young lady.

You shut me right out.

That was personal.

After all, I'm only human.

Just remember, I'm more than human.

Now, answer the door.

If there's anything I hate, it's the smart Alec Lee Marshall.

By

Tim

O 'Hara.

Well, well.

Gosh, I'm proud of you.

How nice for me.

Excuse me for butting into your thoughts again, but you're about to have

visitors.

Hey!

Hey, what is this?

Murphy, the Air Force wants to know where you got your information on the X

flight.

Who's this?

Well, he's a Martian. A what?

Martin. Martin. Martin. That's his name.

Martin, my uncle.

Uncle Martin. He's, um... Well, he's here after a long trip, and he's not

feeling very well. Let's go. No, no, hold him. Hold him. He, um... What?

Well, he might need something.

So just help yourself, Uncle Martin. Oh, and, uh... Here, you might need a

little cash. I know you might be short.

So, uh... And the keys are in the car. Okay.

Thank you.

I, uh...

I may not be back by the time you leave, so it's been very nice seeing you. I

hope you have a very pleasant trip and happy landing.

All right. Take good care of him, Annabelle. Have it at you.

He must be a pretty nice boy.

He is.

I mean, you're his uncle. You ought to know.

Oh, well, I haven't seen much of him, and my home is a long, long way from

Well, we'll take care of you, my aunt and I.

Is your aunt the woman next door who gives bridge lessons and is taking a

in real estate and sells Christmas cards and beauty creams and is studying the

stock market with a Ouija board?

Tim must have talked to you about it.

Uh, yes.

Yes, yes.

Well, I'll be able to take care of myself, thank you.

I'll be up and around tomorrow.

Well, we'll take care of you anyway.

I said no interruptions until I call you back. I don't care who it is, nobody at

all.

Now, O 'Hara, this is your last chance.

I don't care anything about this flying saucer jazz that crops up every year at

the beginning of the hay fever season. But you are not getting out of here

I find out which one of my men is passing out information to the fifth

place. I refuse to reveal my sources of news.

Why, you... Colonel.

Colonel, I've got to admit that I admire this young man's principles.

What? Now, with your permission, I'd like to do something for him.

For starters, I'd like to throw him in jail.

I'd be very happy to look after him personally. Good.

I'll go by and see him.

Every month or so.

Let me call my attorney, please.

Here you are, O 'Hara.

A lovely three -course lunch.

Three -course lunch? It looks like hamburger.

Oh, no.

You got hamburger, coffee, and sugar.

You got any words for the colonel? Yes. Yes, I have several words for the

colonel.

But I wouldn't use any of them in mixed company.

Murphy stole your pickle.

How'd you get in here?

I arrived with a lunch.

I realize you don't have visiting hours, but I wanted to thank you personally

for your kindness.

Oh, that's all right.

You're in a lot of trouble because of me, aren't you?

Well, I'll let through.

Why'd you let yourself in for it?

I guess I'm a little stupid sometimes.

Anyway, you're the nicest Martian I ever met.

Thank you.

And thank you for these clothes.

Now, how are we going to get you out of here?

Let me think.

Suppose we tell them that you picked up their control center on your car radio.

No, that's impossible. My radio wouldn't pick up their frequency.

Blame it on sunspots, freak reception, an ionization shift in the upper

atmosphere. That's your story, and stick to it.

I'll try, but... Excuse me a moment.

Murphy's coming back.

Eat your lunch.

Excuse me.

Who are you talking to in there?

One of my favorite people, myself.

I heard two different voices.

Well, sure, one voice would be monotonous, and besides, I couldn't tell

me was saying what to whom.

Well, the voice I heard didn't sound anything like yours.

Why should it?

Charlie McCarthy doesn't sound anything like Edgar Bergen.

You're, uh, you're a ventriloquist, aren't you?

I'm practicing throwing my voice while I'm eating.

Hey, you know something?

You're very good.

Well, thank you.

I thank you, too.

We both thank you.

Both at once.

Fantastic.

Yes. Well, that's enough for now. You don't want to spend too much time with

prisoner. Now, uh, here you go. And next time, don't steal my pickle.

What makes you think I'd do a thing like that? Your face. It's got pickle

-stealer written all over it.

If you've got anything to say to the colonel, you let me know.

Yes, I may do that.

Goodbye, Tim.

See you later.

Now remember, Colonel, it might have been a freak thing that made the car

you pick up the control center that day. I say it's impossible and I'm calling

your bluff. Yes,

it might have been sunspots or upper atmosphere ionization or something like

that. Well, maybe it's a holiday for sunspots.

If it doesn't work, back you go.

Right. Well, if it doesn't work, be reasonable, Colonel. Quiet.

Yeah, how about that?

There'll be no more of that, Colonel.

Hey! Hey, that's my radio! Keep your hands off that.

You've got some gadget in here that's bringing in our frequencies and the

laboratory's gonna find it. Uh, Colonel, maybe we ought to keep him on ice until

we get the lab report, huh? Ah, that won't be necessary. We know where to

him. But if there is any unauthorized equipment of any kind in this, you are

going to get free room and board in a federal prison.

And don't you forget it!

will find out exactly how this could happen.

Somehow I doubt it.

I simply don't understand. Now, why didn't you tell me you could gimmick up

radio? You just let me sweat it out. Exactly. If I hadn't, you would have

smug and overconfident, and the colonel might have detected a fishy aroma.

Well, I suffered. It was very painful. Well, a little pain is good for you.

As one of your playwrights observed, pain makes man think, thinking makes man

wise, and wisdom makes life endurable.

Next problem.

My little spaceship is down in the garage, and I've got to start repairing

I can get back to Mars.

We need a number of very scarce items, most of which haven't been invented yet.

That sounds pretty expensive. What are you going to use for money?

I've been reading about an interesting place called Las Vegas.

With you rolling the dice, and with my special talents, we ought to do all

there.

No, no, no.

I've been in nothing but trouble since I met you.

And I imagine that will continue.

But it won't be dull.

And a friend who can read minds can be of enormous help to a young reporter.

I can get you a lot of information straight from the horse's head.

Now, what do you say?

It's a deal.

Welcome to the O 'Hara family.

Thank you, my boy.

Well...

I guess that makes me the first Irishman from the planet Mars.