All language subtitles for My Dead Ex s01e02 Ace of Hearts

What? What's going on? Why is your head
like that?

Oh, oh, right.

Sorry.

After you went to bed last night, I was
trying to fall asleep, but I kept

getting distracted by how adorable you
look sleeping.

So, you know, I had to turn my head
around.

Charlie, the things that I can do with
my body now that I'm dead, it's amazing.

No, I'm really stoked for you. It's
really exciting. It's really awesome.

going to spend the rest of the night in
here. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's cool.

in there, are you?

Define weird.

Smelling my clothes?

Uh, no.

No.

I'm really, I'm sorry.

You know, it was weird. I know that. It
was like a number and then a fish. It

was like Madam Six Salmon or Madam Three
Halibut.

Yeah, the woman who sold you the
necklaces was named Madam Three Halibut.

me a break, okay? It was like six years
ago.

Okay, I need you to figure it out, okay?
Because we need to find her so she can

break this love curse so I don't have to
be within 30 feet of you for the rest

of my life.

God, I can't believe I just said that
out loud.

Please be Luke.

And bon appetit.

I hope you like it. I usually use
chives, but I couldn't find any.

I mean, I'm surprised you found eggs.

The Albright kitchen doesn't get much
use.

That's a shame.

I find cooking to be really relaxing.

Holy shit.

Whoa.

I'm sorry.

Yeah,

I didn't know eggs could taste like
that.

You know, if we went to my house, we
could probably find the receipt.

You have a receipt from six years ago?

I keep everything that has to do with
us.

It's in one of my scrapbooks.

Your scrapbook?

All teenage boys' scrapbook.

Kidding. It's just something me and my
mom used to do. We didn't have a lot in

common, so it was a way for us to spend
time together.

What happened to your room? You used to
have such cool things. Now I feel like

I'm in a display room at Ikea.

I'm so glad death has not softened your
innate ability to nitpick my life.

Where's your drawing table?

I guess my mom put it in the garage.

Why?

Well, one no longer needs a drawing
table if one no longer draws. Now does

Wait, seriously?

You don't draw anymore?

But you're so good. Why would you waste
that talent?

You're really lecturing me right now on
my choice of hobbies. Just choose

something to wear.

How am I supposed to pick when there's
so much gold?

Yeah.

Phil Albright was kind of a dad -style
genius.

I saw him wearing socks and sandals one
time with a suit.

And he actually kind of pulled it off.

Hey, Charlie.

Hey.

What you drawing?

A bunny rabbit.

Who's it eating?

Miss Farnsworth.

Right.

She needs more chin hair.

Why are you wearing that dirty shirt?

It's not dirty, you turd.

This was a shirt my dad painted it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Pick a card, any card.

I'm not in the mood.

Come on, Charlie.

It'll make you feel better.

I promise.

Now put it back in the deck. Make sure I
can't see it.

I know it's in here somewhere.

But where?

Sorry, I have something in my... What is
this?

Is this your card?

No. Are you kidding me?

I've been hiding this card in my mouth
all morning.

It would be a card.

Here.

How do I look?

Oh my god, you look ridiculous.

Really? You think so?

You look pretty great.

What does this do?

You think that's funny?

That I'm used to you? Yeah. Yeah, it
does a little.

It shouldn't, Ben. This is very serious.
If a guy texts you within two days of

having your number, it means he likes
you.

It's like a homicide investigation.

The first 48 hours is the most crucial.
So I have 26 hours until I've been

officially friend -zoned.

You know, with everything that's going
on right now, me dying and coming back

life, I'm glad you've managed to keep
your priorities in order.

Come on.

Thank you.

Charlie, how many tickets have you got?

Zero. Zero. I've had zero tickets.

Charlie, stop sign.

Stop. Stop at the stop sign, Charlie. I
see it.

I see the stop sign, Ben. Stop three
seconds.

Pull over here.

We're not to your house yet. Just stop
the car, Charlie.

What is the problem?

If we pull up to my house, my mom might
see me.

Uh, yeah, that's the point.

If we go to your house, your mom's gonna
see you. My mom can't see me.

Why?

Okay, let's say I go up there. I knock
on the door, my mom answers.

Holy crap, her son's back from the dead.

She's thrilled, right?

Exactly, what's the problem?

The problem is, what if the spell that's
keeping me alive is only temporary?

My mom already lost me once.

I can't put her through that a second
time.

Okay, I guess I hadn't thought about
that.

Okay, now.

If I go through the side door, we should
safely stay within 30 feet of each

other. All I need you to do is distract
my mom long enough so I can snag the

scrapbook. Got it?

Got it.

Wait, what?

Charlotte.

What an unexpected surprise.

How are you doing?

Fine. Fine, Mrs. Bloom. How are you?

Oh, you know, hanging in there.

Hanging in there.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

checking in, just, you know, seeing if
you're okay.

Oh, aren't you sweet?

I, um, you know, I, I just, I miss him
so much.

Oh, Charlotte, honey, I miss him too.

Oh, I miss him too.

Come in. Let's catch up.

I barely got to talk to you at the wake.

So this has all been Benji's stuff,
yeah.

I've been going through it piece by
piece.

I find it to be therapeutic.

Whenever I'm feeling sad, I pick up a
pile at random and see what I find.

Participation trophy for soccer.

Oh, his favorite blankie.

Boo -boo.

I suppose this is some kind of class
project?

Yeah.

No, yeah, that's definitely a class
project.

Um, Miss Bloom, if I remember correctly,
Ben was a scrapbooker, right?

Don't all teenage boys scrapbook?

Yeah. No, yeah, a lot do.

Um, do you know where the scrapbooks
are?

Hmm.

I saw them earlier.

Do you mind if I look?

Be my guest.

You do that, and I'll go make us some
tea.

No!

Tea, ew.

Tea is disgusting.

I hate tea.

Oh, okay.

Coffee?

Coffee, please.

Geez, I had no idea you hated tea so
much. What?

No, get the scrapbook so we can get out
of here and she won't see you.

Oh, Charlie?

Do you take cream or sugar?

Cream, please.

You're such a dum -dum.

I don't have any cream. Is milk okay?

Milk is awesome. I love milk. Thanks,
Miss Slim.

You are such a sweet kid, Charlie.

I know that you and Ben drifted apart.

Over the years, but secretly, I always
hoped you two'd get back together.

Guess that's never gonna happen now.

Found it. Oh, my God, thank God. Okay,
just get out so she doesn't see you. Go.

Quick question. You guys didn't happen
to take a peek inside that boulder,

right? Totally just school stuff.

Go. Now.

Just gonna hold on to this, you know,
school stuff.

No, thanks.

Then you have to eat. Then you haven't
eaten all day.

Unless you don't eat now that you're
dead?

Oh, no. No, I eat, but I'm just not
hungry.

If I was, I wouldn't eat that anyway.

Do you crave meat of a different kind?

Meat of a different kind? What do you
mean?

Like the flesh of the living?

You're serious?

You think I'm a...

Okay, that's very offensive, Charlie.
I'm not a zombie. I'm a pescatarian.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just checking.

Wow. You really kept everything of us.

Yeah, I wouldn't be much of a
scrapbooker if I didn't.

Oh, look. Here it is.

Madame Fortuna's.

Just out of curiosity.

Fortuna. Number fish. I remember I said,
yeah, I hear I thought it was out of

three halibut.

Oh, here's the address.

Wait, what are we waiting for?

Let's go. Let's like break the curve.

Wow. You're really itching to get rid of
me. I mean, what did you expect that we

were going to stay within 30 feet of
each other forever?

I mean, like a life to get back to.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know that I was getting in the
way of all your important stuff you've

got going on. Like.

Taking pictures of sandwiches and
worrying if Luke Sullivan's going to

back in 48 hours.

By the way, he totally will.

Wait, wait, what do you mean? How do you
know that? Because you're Charlie

Albright.

No guy on this planet's not going to
text you back in 48 hours.

Wait.

I'm sorry. Earlier you said you had 26
hours before your crucial 48 -hour

deadline.

Did you get Luke your number at my
funeral?

Of course not.

Uh, it was at your weight.

Ben, slow down.

We have to be within 30 feet of each
other, remember?

This is all my fault. I talked to Luke
about how amazing you are, like, every

day. Of course he was going to swoop in.

But a day after I died?

Scumbag.

Ben, it wasn't like that.

How would they tell me? How was it like?

I...

I... Okay, yeah. You know, maybe it was
like that, but it wasn't sinister.

Like, he didn't wake up that morning and
go, you know what? At Ben's wake today,

I'm going to flirt with Charlie
Albright.

This is seriously the worst day of my
life.

And remember, I died two days ago.

This day, way worse.

Ben, what do you want me to say?

Don't say anything.

Let's go find Madame Fortuna.

Hopefully she can break the curse you
never have to deal with me ever again.

You and Luke can go live out your
Instagram -friendly fantasy.

I'm sure you two will get a lot of
likes.

Are you sure this is the right address?

Yeah. I recognize the building.

The decor is...

Different, though.

You know, I'm going to let you take this
one. I'm going to just get this one

out.

Ready?

Hey, hi, how you doing? I'm looking
for... You over 18?

Um, am I... No, no, but... You gotta be
18 or older to be in my store.

Oh, your store?

Okay, well, if that makes you Dr. Love,
then I presume.

Pleasure to make your acquaintance.

Out, Junior.

I'm not here as a customer, sir. I'm
just gonna ask you one question and I'll

on my way. I promise.

It's about the store that was previously
here. Do you remember it?

Madame Fortuna's House of Useless Shit
and Gypsy Nonsense. Yeah, I remember.

Not sure that was the exact name, but
yeah, yeah, that one. See, I bought an

item from Madame Fortuna like six years
ago, and I was wondering if you had any

way to contact her, maybe a number?

Six years?

Jesus, what took you so long?

Because that's how long it took me to
realize the one that I love doesn't love

me back.

Love, you say?

Well, that just happens to be my area of
expertise.

Talk to me, Thot.

Hello, Vice Principal Kelly.

Charlotte.

Charlotte Albright.

Good to see you.

Me too.

Yeah.

You are likely wondering what I'm doing,
coming out of an establishment like

this. Unless you're not. You don't have
to.

The thought did cross my mind. Did it?

This is where I buy groceries.

Really? It may not look like it from the
outside, but this place has the

freshest fruits and vegetables. Are you
getting an email?

No.

Okay, well, stay cool.

Bye!

Oh, my God.

I was in a situation similar to yours
once.

What's the name of that fellow you're in
love with again?

Charlie Albright, but... Yeah, Charlie
Albright. Well, my Charlie Albright was

woman named Judith Fitzmyer.

I met her in an erotic creative writing
class.

Fell in love the moment I read her
words.

Only problem was, Judith didn't feel the
same way about me.

But that didn't stop me.

Slowly, I chipped away at that icy wall,
a witty remark here, a humorous

observation there.

Before long,

Judith and I were making a slow,
sensuous love behind the dumpster in the

community college parking lot.

Got married three months after that.

See, my point is, Ben, I didn't get my
Ph .D. in loveology by sitting on my

hands. I know what I'm talking about
here.

And if you're in love with this Charlie
fella, then you got to fight for him,

Ben.

Stay right there.

Is this your card?

No.

It was the... The card.

Here.

Here we go.

This is the address Fortuna left me to
forward her mail.

You keep it.

Woman hasn't gotten anything in years.

Thank you. And thanks so much for the
advice, Dr. Love.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

And, um, get some sun, too, while you're
at it, kid. You're looking a little

pale.

I know. No, he literally just texted me.
I have no idea.

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, friend, can I call you back? I have
to talk to my cousin.

Okay. No, I won't.

Okay, bye.

You will never guess. He just texted me.

Luke.

Hey.

Wow. I know. Isn't it amazing?

Oh, I'm, I'm, like, totally stoked for
you. That's awesome.

Wait, so how'd it go? Did you get any
info about Madame Fortuna?

Uh, actually, no. No.

It was a dead end, unfortunately.

Damn. Yeah, I guess we'll be spending
more time together.

It's okay.

It's fine. We'll figure it out.

Um, do you mind if I actually call Ren?
She's going to help me come up with,

like, a response. Because I don't know
if I want to be formal, like, hello, or

if I want to be, like, casual, like, hi.

Oh, no, yeah. I totally get it. You guys
have a lot to talk about. Yeah. Go do

that. Okay. Five minutes. Ten. Okay.
Okay.

Hi. Hey.

Yeah, sorry.

He waited exactly 25 hours.

Could have been better.

Stayed up more nights.

If I was feeling, I just can't.