Original subtitles

Okay, everybody, now we're going to do a little drill. We're trying to get the

ball over the net. So remember what we told you. Everybody in the ready

position?

Good. All right, you're first, Phillip. Let's go. Step up.

Okay, get ready.

Okay, here we go.

Phillip,

you see the ball come into your face.

Put your hands there. Don't just take it and fall.

Okay, Faith, your turn. Let's go.

Bring it? I'm not going to bring it. Fingers crossed.

Oh, boy.

Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding.

She's fine.

Just serve the damn ball.

Yeah, I'm fine. Just serve the damn ball.

Just serve... All right, here we go. Bethany, your turn.

Ready position.

Okay, all right. You good there?

Bethany, get your balance back. Okay, you're all getting a little cocky here

because none of you are putting your hands up in front of your face.

Here we go, Phillip. Are you ready?

Okay, all right.

Okay, I give up. I give up.

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's

ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my life.

Guys, can I have a word?

I would like a word first, please. Of course, janitors before principals.

No more dairy and staffroom trash.

Please. The smell, it is not right.

Maliki's person, too.

And now in English.

Just a reminder that the teacher auction is tomorrow. We're still short a few

teachers, guys. Come on. This is a fundraiser for the senior students' trip

Guadalajara. Isn't it bad enough that students have better lives than we do,

now we are raising money for them to go on a vacation to Guatemala?

Guadalajara. The G is pronounced like a Y.

Guadalajara. Fine.

Why are we sending them? It's an educational and cultural exchange,

Not only does the school endorse it, we're actually matching every cent they

raise. It's beaches and pina coladas. I'm not buying it. And I'm not into it.

Thank you. See?

It disappoints me, as, you know, your boss and the person who gave you the

-time position in...

Jim. Fizet. You know I don't like when you call it Jim. Fizet. Do you know what

they call it in Guadalajara?

Wien.

Fizet. Jim.

G is pronounced like a W.

Fine. What do I have to do for the auction?

Faculty offer services. People bid on the services.

That's how we raise money. Why don't you give, I don't know, basketball tips.

Basketball tips?

Yeah, like, what's that?

You mean a layup.

Fine. I'll teach right -handed layups because that's what I'm best at.

Great. But just again, to reiterate, I've said this to all of you many times,

don't call phys ed teachers gym teachers.

We teach in the gym. Here's the training doctors do, okay?

Anatomy, physiology.

Here's the training phys ed teachers do.

See the difference? Not much.

Shh. Listen.

Do it.

Do it.

Yeah. Do it.

Kind of like a droplet on a stream.

Nice. Not nice.

It's on.

Awful, you zenned -out hippie freak. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No need for that.

I'm sorry. It's just that this town has been driving me nuts for weeks. Yeah,

I'll take care of it for you. All right. That's very nice. Thank you. And while

you're at it, there's a draft in here, too.

Yeah, I feel it. I'll take care of that, too, for you. I appreciate it, Paul. I

need a win this week. I don't mind telling you that I've been having a hard

lately.

Struggling with my purpose.

Admin meeting.

We'll talk later. Peace.

Peace. Ladies and gentlemen, our next teacher is a man who's certainly made an

impression on me. Let's hear it for Jerry Duncan.

Jerry has generously offered... This just says layout.

That's it. Just...

Right -handed layups, basketball tips, media.

Okay, right -handed layups. Let's see what we can pull in for that.

$50. Anyone? We have $50.

$50, anyone?

We have not listed everything that I have offered in the program.

Also includes a massage with eucalyptus oil drizzled all over your body.

and then rubbed in with my soft, strong hand. At this point, who really cares

about the layups? But anyway, they're still there if you want them. Go.

Thank you. Done. Sold it. Really? I guess we have a bidder. We got a

bidder. Do we have $75?

$75. Rich kids to Mexico.

$75.

$75 in a shocking turn of events. Do we have $100? Do we have $100? Yeah. Do we

have $100?

Thank you.

Amazing. We have $125.

Just stop. Don't go for the girl with the curls.

Going once, going twice.

$125. Who are you? $200.

Anybody. We got right -handed layup drills. Probably going to be one of the

weirder nights of your life. It's not going to be weird. $200.

$200. Boom.

Sell the thing. It's done.

She's got it.

I'll say that. Who are you? Stop it. I'll say that. Okay. All right. Okay.

you very much. Do I hear? No, you don't.

$500.

Robert. Sold to Principal Cheely up top at the balcony right there.

I would have gone $750.

Anything else you want me to do for you or?

No. I just know it drives Robert bonkers when I stick around, so I'm just going

to hang out for a little while and look at my ring.

I dislike you so much, but I've never respected you more.

Thank you.

She's got a chill.

Hey! Hey!

There she is.

What do you losers want?

Aren't you happy to see your old bandmates, babe?

Oh, my God.

You're Tim King and you're Jim Lewis?

I love your music.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just such a big fan.

It's okay.

You're in a band with Trudy? The last time I saw these two was from the side

the road where they ditched me as I watched my van get smaller and smaller

the distance.

I'm really sorry, Trudy. Is that all? What about all the other stuff you did

me? We're sorry for every horrible thing we did to you. But think of all the

music you inspired.

If it wasn't for you, we'd never have written...

Three's a crowd, or she's a dead weight. As much as I'm enjoying this little

jaunt down memory lane, will you please get to the point so I can kick you out?

We came to say we know we made mistakes, and we want you back.

Life isn't for you, Trudy. You don't belong behind a desk. You belong behind

microphone.

Nobody, nobody plays the wind chimes like you do.

You rock ass.

Please come back. What do you say, Trudy?

What do I say?

Of course I will, you sons of bitches. Get over here.

Why did you bid on me?

What do you mean? It feels so good to give.

I had a thing going with that hot mom right there. She could have been my

wife, thank you very much.

Second wife. Remember Lisa? What was that?

I don't have to explain anything to you. Can I be honest with you? I work so

hard. And then I look after that tiny little baby, usually by myself.

And yeah, okay, maybe the idea of some adult company kind of appealed to me.

That's a wonderful story, but I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm not doing it.

Give me back the 500 bucks.

Where am I getting 500 bucks? I don't know. Don't have it? Hang on a sec.

What are you doing? Texting you my address.

I'm excited.

Yeah, Robin, it's Jerry.

I'm at the place you gave me. You gave me the wrong address.

Jerry, I'm looking at you right now.

What do you mean you're looking at me? Stop fooling around. Where do I go?

Welcome to Chateau Chili.

What are you doing? Get off. Get out of here. What are you doing? What do you

mean? I don't think we should be here. You should get off that. We're probably

trespassing. This is my house. We've been in the family for generations.

I know what you're thinking. It's a lot for one person to maintain.

I get by.

You're rich.

I prefer the term fiscally fortunate, but yeah, big time.

Why would you work? Why would you ever leave this?

What do you mean, Jerry? Molding young minds is my passion.

All this stuff, the golf courses, the Egyptian villas, the 500 -person

the butlers, it's just stuff.

But hey, if it makes you uncomfortable, I'll just have Esteban prepare a picnic

and we'll just go to the park.

I just don't understand why you haven't told anybody at work. You haven't told a

soul about this?

I prefer to keep it on the down low. Money makes some people... We are

We are friends now.

Hey, uh, friend.

Can I try?

I don't know, can you?

Well, if you get off... Huh? Gonna have to catch me first.

Okay, it's a game.

Round and round the Lambo.

Is this yours, too? Yeah.

Barf. Why do you think I take the public butt?

We're actually going this way.

Sucker! Wait up!

The last hole of the chili and potato and all.

Jerry Duncan now for birdie. For birdie.

This is the best.

Nice and quiet.

Lines up the putt.

For nothing.

While you were talking. You can pick that up. Talked right in my back. Okay.

House rules, bud.

So if I get this, that means I win.

Shh, shh, shh.

Robert Cheely now.

Yeah, a little short.

What are you doing? Look at it go.

Trajectory is perfect.

Stole that one from you.

I win.

Man, golf is easy.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, can we go out in the boat? I mean, we could.

It's kind of boring.

Or do we take it to phase two?

Weedle, weedle, weedle. Phase two.

What is it?

Massage time.

Biggest reason I bid on you. I was being seductive at the auction.

Jerry, it worked.

Not for you, for the girl I was flirting with in the audience.

I'm not doing this. Make good on the massage time or give me back my 500

It's that simple.

Look, you know I don't have $500.

Don't be weird. It's just a cab.

Just your cab?

Yeah. That's all I have to do. I don't have to touch any other part of your

body. That's up to you.

That's my sweet spot.

The oil's there, but you don't need a whole lot because my skin is naturally

lubey. Naturally what?

Lubey. Let's go. Hurry up.

Yeah? Is anyone seeing this? Go. Let's go. I don't know. I don't know who's

here.

You ready? Yeah. Get comfortable.

Ah, ready when you are.

Oh, they are tense.

Oh,

Hawaii pineapple. Stop doing that.

Just keep going. Just relax, okay? Don't, I don't need all that. Yeah.

Oh, I feel like a frogger.

What the hell is this?

Well, upon request.

The drip in the draft is being taken care of.

Doesn't this seem a little over the top for a little drip in a draft?

The best part. See, I spoke to Robert about the drip in the draft, and he said

that the school is overcrowded.

So we're going to turn the library into more classrooms.

Paul, I feel like this situation has gone from being very good for me to very

bad. Just offer what's best for Xavier.

Respectfully, I have to disagree because I don't have a library anymore.

I do.

And it's mobile.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Look, I put the best ones on ready for you, so just, you know, you're good to

go.

Hey, Robert.

There he is, Mr. Magic Digit.

What? My calves are loose as a pan of a goose. Check it out.

Well,

glad I provided a service.

I'm wondering if I could pop by later and work on my golf swing.

Absolutely. What about bringing my friend Bill? Just in case you want a

and you don't want to play with us, we'll just hang out there ourselves.

Yep. Okay.

Always wanted to try a threesome.

Awesome. Oh, man.

Oh, I missed it.

But we'll get it next time. After seeing you the other day, let's go back to

that idea that we came up with. You know that sort of... Let's do it. Let's do

it.

Not just yet.

Okay, yeah.

I'm hearing chimes here. Anybody hearing chimes? Hang on.

Woo!

Yeah, we got it. Feels good.

Good couple of days, eh? Feels good.

Guess that's as good a segue as any.

Trudy, we booked a tour.

Shh! Shut up.

I'm going on a world tour.

North America, but you're going on a tour.

We'll be kicking it off at the JMAs. Yes, you magnificent bastards.

I take everything back that I ever said about you, which was nothing, really.

Thank you very much.

Get ready.

It's a time bomb.

Right. Off we go.

And if you and I play our cards right, we could probably move in together in

pool house.

I don't love that you're making plans for our future lives together.

Really? You don't like that idea?

Sounds pretty good.

That's what I'm worried about.

Ready when you are.

Robert, what are you doing?

Massage time.

I'm sorry, what time?

That was a one -time thing from the live auction. So how would that work, Jerry?

You get to keep coming to my house, but you stop massaging my calves?

How's that fair?

Sorry, Jerry, what's going on here?

Don't worry, it's fine.

If there's two of us now, it'll be a lot faster.

For the last time, what will be faster? What is he doing?

You do like it here, right?

Maybe.

I don't like this.

Because that's what it takes.

Tell him about the luby.

Easy on the oil.

Yikes. Indy, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I was up all night jamming with the band.

What's the top hat? I just hauled out some of the old wardrobe.

Oh,

so you're going to go on tour then, huh? You're going to leave us for Tim and

Jen. In my mind, Bobby, I was never here to begin with. Right. Let me tell you

something. When you were destined for greatness.

Like I am. And please don't take this the wrong way. I already am. You can't

around dreamless losers like yourself.

I'm living my dream. Listen to me. My life is about to hit heights that your

brains can't even fathom.

Here.

This is going to be worth something.

You are welcome. Thank you for ruining that exam.

You want me to sign anything?

Could you sign my crutch? Sure.

We bid out.

Oh. I say we go for the links first, then a swim in the pool, and a little

basketball. This is out.

Don't be shy. Get in there.

Cocktail. You done with the heating pad? Lift up. Over. Thank you, Robert.

Oh, that's starting to fire, boy. Dig deep.

Don't worry, man.

Easy on the oil. Not too much.

That's a lot.

Ooh, that's right in the pocket, boy.

That's the trouble spot right there. Bill, honestly, you might want to ease

on the oil. That's fine. You're putting way too much. I'm telling you. It's

fine. It's fine. I'm a professional. So we're going to go swim, hoops,

basketball, swim again.

Good? Yeah, but easy on the oil. No. Would you guys worry about your own

Yay.

Get. No.

No.

Books! I got books!

Dear Mama, I can't believe how fast things move inside the school.

It's like everyone's in too big a hurry to notice the library even closed.

So I just roam the halls.

Sometimes, instead of working, I go to feed the squirrels, but they don't eat

peanuts. I guess even they know better than to talk to a useless old fogey like

me.

I push this cart all day and it makes my hands hurt.

I don't like it here. And I'm tired of being afraid for my livelihood.

So I've decided not to stay.

I doubt they'll kick up any fuss.

Not for an old librarian like me.

And to think all this was because of a little drip and draft.

Mr. D.

Oh, hey, Lucy.

I was just looking for mice and men.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure I have it on my cart. Just let me take this silly thing off.

You mind giving me a hand?

Okay. Mice and men.

Mice and men. Where did I see?

Mice and men. Mice and men.

It's your lucky day. Thanks.

It's dramatic.

It's because we want to go back. Just follow my lead.

Ah, well, if it isn't Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Thumb. Bill here.

I have something you'd like to say to you, Mr. Chaley.

Really? I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

For... What happened?

What happened again, Bill?

Slipping. Spit it out.

Slipping what?

Your louder, please. My thumb? Your thumb.

Into where?

Your butthole. Yep.

aka anus also known as rectum pleasure center put it on the sentence now sorry

for jamming my thumb into your prostate garage won't there it

is that's so hard not anymore it's not apology accepted all right we were gonna

pop by later for a little game of one -on -one no you're not but look we had a

nice little thing going three -way quid pro quo innocent massage train until you

guys went and made it weird

Thumb thumb over here. It wasn't me.

I was just trying to be thorough. Mission accomplished.

Rang like tonsils, like a church bell.

He just accepted our apology. Is there something else?

I'll massage your calves right now. I'll massage your whole body.

Anything. Just so we can come back. Please get out of my orifice.

I'm very sorry.

Bye -bye.

Hey, guys. I was up all night, but I think I finally finished me, myself, and

us. I just switched the...

Dear Trudy, it pains us to write this, but we've screwed you once again.

Against our better judgment, we can't seem to stop using you to advance our

careers. As you may or may not have noticed, we've also stolen the

That was really just for the rush. We're actually doing quite well.

Thank you, thank you. So, here's a brand new one.

This is called Sad Secretary.

Thank you, Trudy.

Rest in peace, you shiny diamond. One, two, three, four.

She wanted more out of life to be someone's wife. She amounted to nothing.

Trudy, you're a living ass wife.

Sad secretary.

Wanted to be Miss Popularity.

Had a couple of fuck buckets.

I hope you choke on that goddamn microphone

until it comes trade out your hole.

Have a nice evening.

Fuck, they're good, though.

They are good.

They are good.

Miss Pop!