Original subtitles

All right.

Okay, everyone has written down their contraction word. And now we're going to

just see if you've done it correctly.

And then you will move on to the next person. Okay, so who's first?

Faith. What's another way we can say will not?

Won't. W -O -N -T.

Good girl.

Bethany. Bethany has not.

Hasn't. H -A -S -E -N apostrophe T. That's really close. That's really good.

we don't have an E there. But you did really good. That was so close. Almost.

we just crossed the E out.

Phillip, cannot.

Can't.

C -U -N apostrophe T.

Yep. You just need to put a little hat on the U, okay?

That does.

Okay. You know what? Yeah, that does. That's true.

Okay, so we will just... That is really, really wrong. That one, we really

spelled that one wrong.

You can tell us that I'm happy when I yawn.

Okay, great. Tell her I'm happy when the bell rings.

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie.

I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my

life gone by.

Listen to this. Dear Jerry, happy 40th birthday.

Oh, right. Happy birthday.

Thanks, buddy.

This was a letter I wrote on my 30th to read to myself 10 years later.

Wow, that's adorable.

You're probably sitting around the fireplace reading to your kids.

Tim June and Little Bill Jr.

Little Bill Jr. was your godson.

First cherish your wife.

Nope, don't have one.

Must be quite a woman locked you down, you dog.

Secondly, congratulations on being a homeowner.

Do we own this yet? Still renting. Still renting, so that was wrong. Easy feet

with your salary, Mr.

Haddafizad. Well,

that's a lot of stuff you didn't accomplish.

Guess I was a little ambitious.

Nah, totally doable.

Just didn't do it.

Kind of wasted the last ten years of my life.

Yeah, and the last three minutes of mine, so...

Just a heads up, Mr. Carter, the chairman of the board of trustees will

visiting tomorrow.

No way.

Abe's coming? I haven't seen him in forever.

Remember the bee story?

That was so great.

Where's the bee story?

Oh, no, he definitely had to be there.

Be there?

I don't think I could do it any justice retelling it, so I won't even bother.

Anyway, he'll be spending the afternoon, and I'm sure he wants to see how the

school is running under its new leadership.

No,

sorry. I was just replaying the B story.

So, I want to impress him.

I'm thinking about a theme day of sorts. I'm going to stop you right there. With

Abe, less is more. I don't know.

No, you should listen to Robert.

Carter seems to respect him. I don't get it either.

Trust me.

Quick, simple tour of basic day -to -day operations, maybe a bottle of scotch,

and you are done.

I think I can do better than that, Robert.

Guess I just thought I'd be further along by now.

Truth is, time flies by.

And one day you just wake up and you realize you're closer to the end than

are the beginning.

Ugh, cry me a river.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

Just because you're not married and you don't have kids doesn't mean you're a

huge loser.

I never said I was a huge loser.

My uncle's 48, single, no kids. His life is amazing.

Ask me where he is right now.

Ask me where he is right now.

Where is he right now? Who knows?

Thailand, Hawaii, Japan.

He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants.

Guess I am free to do whatever I want. There you go. Now you're talking.

Baby, I am awesome and untameable. Yeah, like an unmarried poor man's George

Clooney.

Hobo Clooney!

Bye, sir.

I guess I am kind of Clooney -esque.

Oh, I feared that they would come.

Where did they run?

That's about as a ferret. A beautiful, tender ferret who has now gone missing.

Makes no difference in the dark.

Oh, we gotta find him.

Not to raise any alarms, but there may have been some spills around his cage.

What sort of spills?

Well, let's just say Esteban might be a scooch radioactive.

Oh, yeah.

That is definitely not a normal pitter -patter speed.

At last.

A worthy adversary.

Wait. What? What's that?

Is that edible?

I don't eat anything.

Yeah, you would.

It's a big day today, isn't it?

Yeah. Paul finally gets to move back into his house. Hey, where I lay my hat,

that's my home.

You done?

Today's my birthday.

That's what I wanted to say. Big four zero.

Forty. Yeah, don't look it.

That's a biggie. Yeah, you are super old.

You're old. You look like a thousand, so I wouldn't talk.

Anyway, age is meaningless when your life is amazing.

Oh. Well, it must be pretty meaningful to you, then.

That's funny.

So what is the plan for this evening, then?

I got the big move. Yeah, and I have a new showerhead, so I'm pretty booked.

Yeah, I wasn't talking about you guys.

Nisha, what is the plan, then?

Nisha. I'm actually checking out this new club with some of my friends. We

to get together once a month and just check out, like, a new hot spot in the

city. I'm in.

Really? Sure, I'll go.

Okay, so pre -drinks, chez moi at 11.

I love chez moi. Don't know where it is, but I'll find it. Sounds fun.

Maybe I'll join.

Stop it. I mean, I'm a tiny bit older than Nisha, but I think you're going to

feel really out of place.

Or maybe I'll just boot your man berries up into your nasal cavity.

It's supposed to resemble an X, you guys.

Last minute fun fair.

Impressive. Well, it took a little creative logistics, but I'm a doer.

Really going above and beyond on this thing, huh? I want Mr. Carter to know

the school's in good hands.

Aren't you a bit worried that frivolous expenditures send a questionable

message? That's why I'm not spending frivolously on, say, a bottle of scotch.

That was a hundred bucks.

What did this run up? A thousand?

Two grand?

2 ,500? Oh, my God.

Obviously not.

It's more like three.

Hey!

Oh, my God, you look amazing. So Berlin. I love it. When did this place open?

Oh, no, it's a pop -up, so it hasn't been here very long.

A what?

Oh, my God, you're hilarious.

Come on. Hey,

guys. All right.

These are my friends. Why is there no music?

You go dancing to nothing. There's no music playing.

That's what these are for. It's a silent disco. So you hear the music through

your headphones.

What's the point of this?

Oh, it's huge. Everybody's doing it everywhere.

It's a new thing. Brooklyn, Europe, New York.

Let's do it. Okay.

How do you turn these down? It's so loud. It's too loud. No, no, that's the

whole thing. You don't turn it down, Jerry. Come on.

Oh, it's too loud. Hey, good, you can.

I wouldn't miss it.

Just because you're a cougar doesn't mean you have to dress like one.

Oh, really, Pinocchio? Just because you're a bonehead doesn't mean you have

dress like one.

This is called the Berlin look, by the way.

wouldn't happen to be Jackie's dad, would you?

Because she's peeking in the bathroom.

I think you probably thought I was Jackie's brother.

And no.

It's time for the place to close.

Here I am.

But don't worry, we're going to go to an after -hours barcade.

Okay, I got nowhere to go.

Right? Awesome, yeah.

No ball and chain for this guy.

Get the... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep them on.

Can we get a drink?

Everything.

Are you running out of steam?

Yes, I am, okay? Yeah, me too. I hate this place.

What's wrong with these people?

I gotta keep going here, Trudy, because this is who I am now. This is me.

Yeah, well, I have a reputation to uphold, so I'm not going anywhere.

Well, let's make the best of a bad situation.

Who are you answering?

Oh, shut up. Nobody.

Okay.

Thanks.

up for the little one.

She steals.

Hey, Jasmine.

Jerry.

Hey, how's the ankle?

Good, thanks to you.

Saved my life.

Nah. I'd be dead if it wasn't for you.

Hey, BJ.

Wow, what are the odds of running into you twice in two weeks?

Oh, we live upstairs, so.

You live upstairs and I live around the corner.

But the odds of us meeting here, fate.

Mom. Just a second, BJ.

I'm sorry that I never got in touch. Your email kept bouncing back.

What did you have as my email?

Jerry underscore Duncan, a .k .a. No, it's Jerry underscore Duncan underscore

.k .a. Mr. D.

Jerry underscore Duncan, a .k .a. Mr. D, was taken.

Sorry. Anyway, that happened.

Bill Jr., that's enough.

Sorry, uh, Bill Jr., that's what BJ stands for?

Yeah.

Here we go.

We have a fair today at our school, and you're coming.

He would love it. You would love it. Today?

What do I have today?

Today is... There's going to be a bouncy castle.

And a dunk tank. I want to go to the fair. Yeah, I bet you do.

Okay, you know what? Today actually works.

BJ loves fairs. See you this afternoon.

Okay. All right.

Yay, Wong.

Face like a little raccoon. Body like a... I want to say hair snake.

Sounds like a monster.

Oh, Esteban's super cute.

Adorable little ball of almost certain nuclear decay.

I miss him. At the end of the day, only one of us will survive.

Seems a little extreme.

I was thinking just a twist tie on his cage door from now on.

It's go time.

Carter, I'm Principal Mason. It is so nice to finally meet you. Call the cops.

Lift this son of a gun in here.

Abe, or should I say babe, you look fantastic.

Looking pretty good yourself, Robert. Please, go on.

Robert, what happened to your Hawaiian shirts and your sandals? I feel like

we're in hug territory.

It's been a minute, hasn't it?

Oh, pour some sugar on me.

If memory serves, I think you'll enjoy this. Oh, this is above and beyond.

Thank you. You're most welcome.

You know what else is above and beyond this fair that I organized in your

Wait till you see what this one did. She really outdid herself.

You know, I always love to see new principals taking initiative.

Thank you. Shall we? Thank you, sir.

Awesome.

I think what it is is the teaching keeps me young.

Guess how old I am.

I don't know.

Forty -ish?

Actually, I just turned 40. I assume by 40 -ish, you meant the lower end of the

40s. I wasn't sure about you at first, but you're funny.

Oh, careful, Bill Jr.

It's okay.

It's good to see you're not smothering your kid.

A lot of parents do that.

Scared kids become scared adults.

I want him to learn to take risks.

So you're a risk taker.

He's the day, you know?

Carpe diem.

Oh, God. Excuse me. Okay.

The great thing about Xavier Academy is we're all just one big happy family.

I like to organize events like this to encourage school spirit.

What a wonderful idea.

Guess less isn't more, huh?

More is more.

Well, couldn't be more happy to say I was wrong. How's everybody doing?

Courtney, I want to introduce the band. These guys have been working so hard.

This is the first gig. I remember the day they came and said to me they wanted

to start a band. I told them it was going to be a lot of work, but that they

should go for it.

Nobody likes to look back and wonder in life what could have happened. This is

their moment.

I got this number for you guys. I know you guys are going to enjoy this today.

Could I steal that?

Oh, Jerry, no.

Mr. Dwyer, everybody. The band.

Thank you.

Hope you're having a great day at our school.

Where's Jasmine?

Jasmine.

Jasmine, everybody.

I've done more soul searching in the last three minutes than I have in the

40 years because of you, this girl.

First of all, she saved my life. Then you named your son after my roommate

coincidentally. Those are signs, Jasmine.

The universe is talking to us.

They're saying get off the stage.

Shut up, Trudy. Shut up.

Not right now.

Sorry. Carpe diem.

Carpe diem. Those are the three words you taught me.

For those of you that don't know, that is Latin for... The milk is sour.

Just shut up.

Seize the day.

Seize the day. You taught me that.

Would you like to see the gymnasium?

No, I'm enjoying this.

You taught me that.

So do you, Jasmine.

Would you do me the honor? Take my hand in marriage.

Yes.

Just ignore that. Ignore that.

looks like jasmine i'm a love of god well no she said you took risks

i took a risk this is a big risk i'm gonna go call the fire department

mr

carter

i cannot tell you How sorry I am. I mean, I would never intentionally allow

a racially insensitive image at Xavier.

Exactly. And I am not racist.

Far from it. In fact, I sponsor three children from Africa.

I mean, they tried to send me some South Americans, and I was like, I want three

from Africa. Thank you very much.

Maybe one day this can be our little bee story.

Because you have that story about the bees?

Hello?

up on me carter hates the bee story you said it was funny though to me it is to

him it's a horrifically scarring memory do you want to know what happened he

went to a yoga class outdoors and a bee stung him right on the okay robert

business and he cried like a little bee i get it robert

where are you going with this bottle of scotch mr carter

said that i need it more than he does

Search the grounds.

Esteban's nowhere to be found.

Goodbye, sweet prince.

Esteban is the government's problem now.

Honestly, he's not anyone's problem. He's a domesticated ferret. He couldn't

a fight against a chipmunk. He'll be dead by sunrise.

Well, I guess it's just you and me now, Juan Pedro.

Juan Pedro?

Oh, no.

Let's rock and roll.

Okay. Hey, hey.

Wait.

Okay.

Let me get this straight.

You proposed on a first date. Yeah, it's not funny. It's pretty funny.

And technically it wasn't our first date because I'd already seen her. Because

it was like the third time I'd seen her. The first time she saved my life. And

that's worth about ten dates when you save someone's life.

Maybe you should write a letter to 50 -year -old Jerry explaining what not to

on a first date. Telling her that fire ruined it. If there was no fire, she

would have said yes. She absolutely would have said no. Why would you say

Hey, Lisa.

Oh, no, no, no.

This isn't really a BYOB sort of place.

I got to call the cops.

That guy was just drinking out of that. He must have died. Okay. I'm going to

make an exception. This one.

Okay.

Oh,

what a difference.

I thought I was moving up in life.

I was doing so well.

And you just managed to ruin everything.

Whatever. You're not moving up in life. You're still a bad woman with too many

cats. Well, at least I'm not a 40 -year -old living in a rental with a grown man

roommate.

Pretty pathetic.

Fair enough.

A toast to us.

Whatever. Whatever. Whatever to you.

Oh, that burns.

You know, it's 4 .30. You might want to just... You might want to shut up.

Okay? Just shut up. All right.

Through a little KKK rally, so you're a little bit disturbed.

Oh, my God. It would hurt you so bad. Makes sense.

I would do that, too, if I was a big KKK supporter.

Yeah. That was timed well.

Good job.

What?

No.

What's going on? Oh my god.

Two for marriage, non -smoking.

Four. Four. Four for marriage. We like them. They can't sign the documents. You

don't turn them away. That's allowed now.