Original subtitles

The kid never remembers his gym uniform. I mean, how hard can it be? Yeah, he

was in my class for years. Bad kid.

Type B personality.

Oh, tell me about it. He's never returned a library book on time. Not

I buy that. Not once. What a jerk.

Hey, you guys talk about something else other than school when you're in here?

Excuse me? Well, this is all you do. You come in to lunch, talk about the

students, staff at school, the education system. I'm getting sick of it. I want

to eat my lunch. I don't want to talk about that stuff. Talk about a movie or

game or something. Jerry, we need to vent.

This is our chance to decompress.

Speaking of which, has anyone noticed that Harry Jones has the worst

Oh, yes. Yes.

Are you kidding me? I call him Harry Toastin. Harry Toastin Smith. I had a

student once that had a... There you go. A little porn.

Is this disturbing you? Is this helping you decompress, too?

Thought that might work.

You know who got into porn was little Shane O'Toole.

Yes. Get out.

Shane O'Toole is doing porn. I'm not telling you lies. Tool time with Shane.

That's what they call it. Hey, Jerry.

Why don't you send me the link, huh?

Huh?

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie. I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's

ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my life gone by.

Gentlemen, this is Leanne and Gloria.

They're student teachers. They're going to be doing their practicum with you.

Dibs on Leanne. Unless that's Leanne. If that's Leanne, dibs on Gloria.

I'm Gloria.

I'm Leanne.

Then I'll take Leanne.

Leanne's focus is in the sciences, so she's going to be working with Mr.

Hunt. Okay, Leanne.

Gloria, I'm sorry, you have Mr.

Duncan. Hey, Gloria.

Okay. Lisa, is there any chance you could get another teacher to do this?

Because I got a lot on my plate right now, and I don't need all this.

Hey, hey, hey. Well, if he doesn't want a student teacher, let me drop Gloria

and get Leanne back on Team Duncan. This is non -negotiable.

You have Gloria. You have Leanne.

Sorry,

Leanne. I tried.

It's all right. I'm not Leanne.

Me too.

Hey, Gloria's a pretty name, though. Thanks.

It's a nice outfit.

Oh, thanks.

Not as nice as Leanne. Bye, Jerry.

Bye. But they call it a breakfast burrito, and it's like a little sleeping

for eggs.

I just can't believe they produce something edible.

Y 'all right there, Bobby, you seem to be having a hard time.

Oh, I mean, we're all a little bit out of breath, right?

No. Hold my burrito.

I could do this all day.

I'm not winded.

Okay. Right?

See? There goes a new head of his head right there.

You coming?

You know what? I'm just going to hang out here for just a little bit.

Enjoy the view. I hear it's breathtaking.

Oh, that's right.

Did we win the lottery with these student teachers?

Maybe the lottery of overwhelming responsibility.

What are you talking about?

We're on cruise control for the next two months. It's like a spare.

Cruise control?

Jerry? I'm not on cruise control. I'm behind the wheel.

And I'm panicking. Do you know how much responsibility this is? We have to teach

people. How to teach people.

You don't teach them anything.

They teach the class. Everything they need to learn about teaching, they

in teacher's college already.

Oh, nobody learns anything at teacher's college.

It's true. Very true.

You learn from being thrown into the inferno. And here we are. This is their

fire, Jerry.

We've got to teach them how to evaluate and evaluate their evaluating. Then we

get evaluated on how we did.

Evaluated. Uh -oh.

What a nightmare.

Are you not? Am I? Or am I the only one who truly sees the weight of this

responsibility?

I brought that book back that you recommended.

Right. What'd you think?

You know, I just couldn't get into it. Weird.

Changed my life. God, I found it so boring up here.

The pages are all dog -eared. That's cute.

You know, I just think I like a story where things happen.

Mm -hmm. Makes sense. Oh, the spine is broken.

That's okay. Matches the sun damage.

I left it in the windowsill, and one of my cats... Fell asleep on it. Oh.

Because they put him to sleep, too.

Murderer. Well, how exciting is this? We are lucky to be graced with the

presence of Ms.

Gullman. Gullman, who is doing her student teaching placement with me here

for two months. How exciting is that? Very exciting. So...

Take it away. I'm just going to be back in a little bit.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

What the hell was that?

Please don't go.

Why? I need you to stay. If I stay, you're not going to get the full

experience, right? If that's how you learn, you jump right into the fire,

No.

What's wrong?

I just, I've never taught in front of real kids before.

Who do you think you'd be teaching in front of? I know, but I thought you'd be

here. I'm just super nervous right now, and I really need you to stay.

Okay, fine. I'll stay. I'll stay. I'll sit at the back. But just for today.

Just for today.

You have to figure this out tonight on your own. Okay.

Okay. All right.

Sorry, we just had to go over some administrative things there.

Take it away, Ms. Gallman. I will be in the room at the back.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Duncan, everybody.

Thank you.

Okay, so here we go.

It's going to be good, right?

So fun.

I was worried you were going to leave me all alone.

Yeah, I still am.

But, but, but, but, I brought a teaching aid.

Is that a baby monitor?

No, it's a teaching monitor.

Now, I'm with you always, but I'm really someplace better.

But wouldn't it just be better if you stayed here?

No, but then you can't teach the class, right? That's why you're here. So I'm

going to turn this on, you say something, and watch how we hear it,

Hello.

Isn't that cool?

Yeah, I guess so.

I'll see you later.

But I'll hear you the whole time.

Okay? Okay. All right, I just have to step out. See you guys a little later,

okay? Ms. Goldman will handle this.

You can do this, Gloria Goldman.

Story time will begin in just a moment. Just join your friends on the carpet.

I heard we have a guest author coming in. So exciting. Where is she?

Oh, Chante.

Just workshopping my latest oeuvre.

Oh, you're Jacqueline Canaday. It's my nom de plume for privacy.

I had no idea you were a writer.

Mind apple.

Good morning, children.

Today's story is called The Rise and Fall of Queen Lisa. We begin our story

when King Calamand died and the throne was handed to the wildly unqualified and

boring Queen Lisa.

Queen Liza had no respect for her minions and would punish and torture

breaking the spines of the most enlightened among them and sullying

prized possessions. It was no wonder she could never find a mate and was

destined to die alone and miserable, surrounded by her cats. That woman is no

fan of yours.

Nope.

You okay there, bud?

What you got there?

I'm taking my health a little bit more seriously because I have a cousin who's

bit of a health freak. And he said I am being too selfish with my body.

Oh, well, there's breaking news.

Come on, Bobby. We were just teasing.

It's true. By exercising so much, I'm taking away from my body, but I'm not

giving back. My body needs more nourishment.

You know, Bobby, you're in fine shape. You just got a little winded. Happens to

everyone. Not to me. I am the head of Phys Ed. It is my job.

To be in shape.

But it's under control now, Phil.

You know there's such a thing as too many supplements, right? This is all

natural, okay, Val?

It's got glutamine, creatine, and taurine. Boom. Sounds very natural, very

to table.

And a little bit of caffeine, just to send it to my body.

What was that?

Fun.

Skin teacher time. This is the best, isn't it? This is a nightmare.

I knew that girl was too hot to be good.

Are you kidding me? She's perfect.

Do you know how stressful it is to try and improve upon perfection?

If you're not going to enjoy this, can you just leave?

It's mastered the lesson plan.

I'm killing myself trying to stay one step ahead of this woman. Shut up.

What was that?

Just something I'm trying.

Was that well found?

It's just Gloria.

She'll figure it out. Go ahead, Gloria. You got this. Come on.

Shut up.

Mr. Duggett, please.

I'm so scared. Please help me.

Damn it.

How are you going to be a teacher?

That's how a whale sounds when you teach.

Mr. Duggett, please.

Think to me of your travels, sweet whale.

Please, what's going on here?

Honestly, what are you guys doing?

Get your books open.

What's going on? Where were you? I was calling and calling and calling and it's

been over three minutes.

You can't call me for every little thing. You're supposed to be in charge

I'm so nervous.

I mean, I opened my mouth and it's so dry.

What are you nervous about?

Kids aren't going to give you a hard time. None of them.

Brandon here's got a 37 average.

He's not going to judge you. He can hardly put a sentence together.

No, I can't. I would like the sentence. Thank you.

And Lori, all she cares about is law school in a few years. She's not going

give you any lip. The nicer I am to you, the better my mark. Right, sir? Yeah.

See? She's a kiss -ass.

Kiss -asses aren't threats to teachers.

We control them, not the other way around.

If you see a kid giving you a hard time, you find out what their dreams are, and

you threaten to crush them.

That's how we teach.

I guess you're right.

Of course I'm right. You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Yeah.

And kids in trench coats, always be knighted to them.

Okay. And remember, keep reading, keep dreaming.

Oh, Emma, I got your story, which was gripping, by the way. Oh, thank you.

It's always gratifying to hear from a fan. One note about the main character,

Queen Lisa.

Real bitch, right? Every story needs a villain. Yeah.

I just noticed some similar character traits, and I know this sounds crazy,

am I Queen Lisa? Of course you would see yourself as a queen, wouldn't you?

Be careful around large bodies of water, narcissist.

Malik, okay, you heard this story.

Does Queen Lisa not sound like me? I'm not much for literature.

Oh, come on.

Destined to die alone?

Miserable, surrounded by cats?

Hello? That's me.

I may be not some flight para.

Thank you. That was not my intention at all. I'm so sorry it came across that

way. It was just weird, but I'm glad we talked it out. All good notes. I'll be

sure to implement them in my next draft.

Thank you.

Writing is rewriting.

Give me a cooler, please. Something with kiwi in it.

All out.

We had a bunch of bachelorette parties in here this week. Well, why didn't you

order more?

How about a pina colada?

There's no cheese in a pina colada. But it's sweet and gross, so you'd like

that. Fine. This place has really gone downhill since Jimmy started managing

Sure has.

What are you doing?

It's a pina colada.

Well, is there ramen there?

Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, do you want to hear about my day? I say no. Are you still going to

tell me? I had a student teacher.

Oh, well, there's my answer.

Afraid of the kids.

How can you become a teacher and be afraid of the kids?

This is what happens when some teachers' colleges bring in students just because

they have good marks. So they have no personality sometimes.

Marks. Who cares, right? That's why you went to teachers' college in Buffalo.

No, that's not why I went to teachers' college in Buffalo. I went to Buffalo

because Buffalo gets it. Buffalo says, okay, we'll accept you. Your marks are a

little bit lower. But you got personality.

You have $23 ,000, and then you have personality.

She was awful. She just stood there.

She froze when they looked at her. She moaned. She had a moan or something she

was doing. That's weird.

Check, check.

One, two, hot mic, hot mic. Okay, welcome, everybody.

It's open mic night here at Barrel of Laughs.

I should get up there one night because I am funny.

Sure you are.

Miss Gloria Goldman.

Give a hand for Jimmy DeGrazia, ladies and gentlemen.

So cute.

Oh, man, I want to fuck him so bad.

That's her.

Who? The student teacher I was telling you about.

Anyone else here suffer from low -hanging labia?

Or am I the only one?

Because I'm walking around, it's like they're knocking my knees.

It looks like two hands in prayer.

This chick knows what I'm talking about, for sure.

I don't believe this.

She's got a lot of personality, though.

And I like the bit about labia. And that's on a good day. On a bad day, I've

Gandalf's face.

What the hell was that?

Oh, the last bit? Yeah, I know, I'm still working on it, but I think it's

together. No, not the bit.

The fact that I just had to babysit you all day because you couldn't stand and

speak in front of a bunch of little kids. I can perform in front of these

but kids can be ruthless.

This is way scarier than a classroom full of kids. Bring this same confidence

school tomorrow, and you'll be fine.

Yeah, I'll do it.

But don't do the labia stuff, okay?

That was disgusting, actually.

But it soon became clear that Queen Liza wasn't the kingdom's real enemy. It was

actually Balak, the royal porter.

Balak, a pathetic and disheveled man with a swarm of jet black serpents for a

beard, was manipulating her thoughts with his evil janitorial witchcraft. No

could have anticipated Balak's shockingly wicked backstabbing ways.

The punishment?

She does not fit the crime.

I don't know. I kind of like the new direction of this.

Principal Mason!

Shh!

You interrupted me.

Technically, you interrupted me.

That's just too interesting.

Well, that's the end of that story.

Tag.

You're it.

Give it back.

What is this, dance class?

Somebody throw a punch already.

Hey, gentlemen, speak and settle. That's my word.

Settle down.

This is your vice principal speaking.

Hey! Gentlemen, please stop it. That's enough.

Please.

Just add to a nice, simple multivitamin. Do you know how long I've been waiting

for that punk to get his ass kicked?

Next time I'll do it myself.

Get out of here.

We make a good team.

What?

So it's just another open mic.

Okay, you do some crowd work, tell some jokes, some stories, and you'll be fine.

Bit much, but whatever works to get you through this.

Go get him.

Okay.

All right.

Wow. A lot of familiar faces in the crowd.

We got Brandon and Lori.

You know what I love about school?

Summer.

Can you be in school?

It's like 2 o 'clock.

What did I tell you? I'm a student teacher.

I don't have to be in school.

You just left her there alone?

Yeah, she thinks I'm there. That's all that matters. No harm done. I get to run

a few errands and get to come in and see my best friend.

Have a drink.

All right.

So I would like a cooler, please.

Yeah, we're still out.

Still out of coolers. Yeah.

God, have we stocked those?

Everybody loves coolers. That's not true.

Coffee. Sit down and have a coffee. I would love to, but I got to set up for

tonight. No.

Enjoy talking to yourself.

Oh, yeah, it was quiet at lunch.

How do you make money at lunch?

Uh, my name's Jerry Duncan.

Let me just get this, uh... Thank you, Odin.

Higher.

Ah!

Okay! Uh, so I'm a teacher, and I gotta tell you about Simon.

Uh, Simon is, uh, uh, Mr. Hunt.

The kids call him. He's a teacher of school.

Is there any water?

So he likes to go around the school and talk about science.

And none of us care because it's science, right?

I wish this would.

You're doing great, buddy.

My roommate, Bill.

What's a good story, Bill?

This is a funny story.

It's like watching somebody drown.

Okay, you know what? I forgot you don't know Simon. That's kind of screwed me a

bit here. So, Jimmy, I'm good. No, no, no. You're doing great.

I got nothing.

All right. Sorry, that's my time.

Okay.

Nice job. That last girl gave me nothing. That last girl.

Okay. Oh, no. I got a story.

I got one.

I got one. Next time. Oh, okay. That's a good one.

Save it for next time.

I don't know.

Next time, I'll be back. Make sure you all come back. This is a story about

Bobby, our phys ed teacher.

Just let me tell the real story.

Oh, God, you guys.

There's other acts.

Hey, thanks, buddy.

It was great.

They don't know Simon, right?

They don't know Simon. I was going off about Simon.

That really held that head back.

And the girl before me, like, give me a break. Honestly, how am I supposed to do

something after she had nothing?

She had nothing. She had, like, charity applause.

I should have talked about you, because they know you.

Told them how horrible you were as a teacher and a stand -up. I could have

talked about it. Like, you couldn't do either?

You could have, yeah. And the mic.

Did you see this mic?

Where's it? Fisher -Price? Like, give me a break.

The sound guy.

Oh, man. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. That wasn't embarrassing at all.

That was cool. I got to admit, that was fun. I don't know if I'll do it again,

but that was fun. Awesome.