Original subtitles

Come on, Sheila, hurry up.

What's the point? I'm never going to need to know this in real life.

Never going to... Okay, all right.

Okay.

Why don't you tell me what's really going on here? What's this really about?

I'm just not good at this, okay?

No, you're not okay.

You can't be good at everything.

I'm going to help you get good at this. That's why you come to school, to learn.

That's why we teach.

That's why I did all this university, to help people. So don't give up, okay?

You can do this.

We can do this.

Take your time.

Okay, what do you got? Take a look.

You can do it.

Tyler Toffoli. Tyler Toffoli.

That's not doing your best.

Look at the rules, please.

You have your forwards.

You need a defenseman. How many times do I have to tell you? Pick a defenseman

and hurry up. We don't have all day.

Stephanie Robida.

Stefan Robida.

There will not be a girl ever in the NHL.

Haley Wickenhouser did it for like, what, a practice?

She didn't play in the game.

Marketing. It's the marketing thing.

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie.

I'm awesome. I'm driving around.

Does that say Donovan Bailey?

Yeah. What does it say?

He's in town Friday to raise some money for something. Coming back to my town

after what that jerk did to me.

Huh. What that jerk did to me.

You don't want to know what that jerk did to me. No, I don't, Jerry.

I'm tired of it because it's always something with you.

Let me guess.

Donovan Bailey somehow wronged you years ago.

And now you're going to try to even the score.

You make anything sound like it's annoying when you say it that way.

It's always your story.

Jerry's story, this. What about my story?

Right? I got stories.

Okay, what story do you have you want to tell? I don't have a good one right

now. I didn't know we were going to do story time, so... You don't have one.

Let me tell you my story about Donovan Bailey. It's a good story.

Fine, Jerry.

What did Donovan Bailey do?

Back in high school, my senior year, Donovan transferred for his last year.

from another school.

Now, I don't know if you know this, in high school, I was captain of the track

team, and he showed up.

And next thing you know...

Hey, not sure we're supposed to be here. We

have track and field practice right now.

I know. Coach Simpson invited me.

That's not possible.

The season's already started, and we've got a full team here. And who are you?

Who am I?

I'm Jerry Duncan, the fastest man in the school. Oh, really?

Jerry Duncan.

Why don't we race for it? 100 meters straight. If you beat me, I walk away.

Oh. How about it?

Wow. Wow.

You want to embarrass yourself in front of everybody?

Bring it on.

Boy, you're serious, aren't you? Yeah.

Yeah. Let's do this.

Let's go.

One sec.

I don't know how to get it off alarm.

Okay.

Ready?

One.

No race. Right off. Hamstring gone.

Hold it right off.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Guess who the new fastest man in the school is, Jerry? What?

My Olympic dreams are crushed.

I guess I'll be a teacher.

You didn't say that.

The race didn't count. It was a pointless race because I pulled my

Right.

He went on, made the national team. Should have been me. Should have been me

the national team. And then he went and became a gold medalist in the Olympics.

And I ended up... You became a middle -aged man with a roommate.

I became a teacher.

That's what I was going to say.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Who are you going to the semi -formal with?

Oh, I'm going to drive myself to a lift.

Ah, not who are you driving with. Who are you going with? Well, I'm not going

with anyone, Simon, because I'm supervising. I'm going to pry the kids

when they start climbing on each other.

I'm going to ask Nisha to the semi. No, teacher, don't bring dates. That's what

your semi -formal is for. I didn't make it to mine.

Shyness and do shingles took care of that.

Oh, my God, there she is.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm nervous.

Are you nervous? No. Of course you're not nervous. You don't have a date.

just going to stand on the side of the gym with all the other frumpy dumps. Pop

the brakes there, buddy.

Not me.

This year I'm going to slow dance with someone I'm not related to.

This year I will have a semi.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

My God, she's intimidating.

Unbelievable. Then your business will end.

Ah.

What's the matter, Jerry?

No, I'm just trying to figure out a way to reach someone.

Have you tried calling them?

Yes, I've tried calling them. The person I'm calling won't give me his number.

Well, who is it that you're trying to reach?

Donovan Bailey.

Olympic gold medalist and former fastest man in the world, Donovan Bailey?

I don't know what he did with his life.

I wouldn't mind reaching Donovan Bailey.

Huge help as always. Thanks, Emma.

Look, Jerry, if you want to contact a celebrity, it's simple. Two words.

Viral... I know where you're going. I know what you and Ted are up to, and

that's disgusting.

Viral video, Jerry.

For your information, we both have a clean bill of health.

Okay. What you do is you get one of the students to ask him to the semi -formal,

and then you post it online, and you lure him in. I've seen people do that,

you really think that works?

It does work.

Like? All the time. When's the semi -formal? Friday. You should use Victoria

bait. She's got her own YouTube channel. She has lots of followers.

You'll get tons of hits. Thank you, Emma. That is good advice.

Why are you giving me good advice?

Because, Jerry, I feel sorry for you. You're a sad little man.

All right.

Done. Quite a system we got going on here.

Thank you.

Thank you. Ah, yearbooks.

Printed posterity in a digital age. Weird. Look at you, Miss Mason, putting

little stamp on everything.

Would you like my John Hancock on those?

No, thank you.

No? Great.

Hello. Hi.

Thank you.

Trudy, do you have a pen I can borrow? No, just this one.

Lisa? Sorry.

No problem.

There you go.

They don't want to wait?

Uh, no.

Does anybody?

This yearbook signing business is getting out of control. My hand hasn't

this cramped since my honeymoon.

The trick, of course, is to alternate hands.

Victoria,

hey. Oh, hey, Mr. D. What's up? Listen, uh, do you have a date to the semi

-formal? Sir, I don't think teachers can take students.

Very funny. Not what I meant.

Well, I'm going with my boyfriend.

Big mistake.

Big mistake. Look, Nelson's a good guy, but you're in the prime of your life.

You could take anyone in the whole world. Why would you take Nelson?

I suppose that's true.

So let's reach for the stars.

Let's do one of those viral videos that you specialize in. Do one of those

celebrity crush invites.

I'm in.

Josh Groban.

Who? Josh Groverman.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

Meet me in my room after school. We'll shoot that thing. Okay. Okay.

We'll be there. That's enough talking. Get to class, you two.

Okay? Guess who?

Uncle Tommy, how did you find me?

Oh, no, no, no. It's me. Don't worry.

Oh, Mr. Hunt. Oh, thank heavens.

Uh, what's up?

Uh, you can call me Simon.

All right.

Simon.

That was funny. Okay, okay. No, there's this, like, semi -formal dance

thing coming up. I don't know if you've heard about it.

You probably don't even want to go.

I'd love to go.

Really? Of course. It's just nobody asked me.

Oh, actually, you know what? Robert did ask you to supervise. Remember that?

Always a bridesmaid, I guess.

Well, Miss Nisha?

Would you do me the honor of accompanying me to the Xavier Academy

Oh, Simon, yes.

Really? A thousand times yes.

There's just one thing. It's my mother. Would you be able to come over before

the dance just to meet her really quick?

Um, could I? How else would we get her blessing?

Hello? Good point.

Bobby?

Can you believe it? No.

I need you to do it again. I need you to stick to the script.

Okay.

You'll always be the gold medal winner of my heart. And if you could be my date

for the semi -formal, Mr. Groban, I would do anything to... Cut, cut, cut. I

said we can't use names. You can't use names.

What if Josh Groban can't do this?

We've got to substitute the footage in with some... Take five. I've got to

figure this out.

Oh, hey, Frank.

Josh Groban.

What?

Or is this the old viral video, semi -formal celebrity invite, switcheroo?

How do you know that? Not my first rodeo, Jerry. Who's the real Merc?

Donovan Bailey.

Canadian legend, Donovan Bailey.

He's not a legend.

What do you want with him?

I have to race him.

Oh, man, I am so in. I love sprinters. You know, as a young boy, I dreamed of

running in the Olympics, but then, of course, the good Lord took my legs in a

tragic accident, so... Okay, you know what?

It's not about your story. It's about my story. Take it from me. You're not

going to get Bailey with her.

Why? Well, there's nothing wrong with her. You need someone the internet can

rally around.

But a kid asking isn't that enough?

Jerry, the world doesn't send healthy kids to swim with the dolphins.

I don't care what you mean. You need someone with like a facial deformity or

like a breathing problem.

Come to my semi -formal.

Yeah.

You're going to be a big cat.

Sorry.

Mrs. Hunt, it is so nice to finally meet you. I brought a pie.

Absolutely not. Why not?

She's a whore. All up in my face with a pie? That whore is an angel, and that

angel whore is my semi -formal date.

She's not coming in here. I will not have it. That meatloaf is not going down

that...

Can you shut up? Hi, there. Oh, hi.

That's good.

Listen, we're just going to be a few more minutes.

Amy

Beale,

severe dyslexia.

She's a mess.

That's it.

Cool.

Olivia Morton, loads up with steam. Every kid has that nowadays, Frank.

Kelly Mendelsohn, cancer survivor.

Cancer survivor?

But then she's cured. What's the point? Yeah, only for three years, though.

She's not officially out of the woods until year five.

So she's cured, but technically, it could come back.

If Donovan Bailey doesn't come for this girl, he's a monster.

And I just love you so much, it would change my life forever if you would come

to Xavier and be my date to the semi -formal.

Thank you.

How was that?

Uh, that was good, Kelly.

But you really want Drake to come, right?

So much.

We've got a few pointers to help with that. Kelly, the elephant in the room is

that you're a cancer survivor, right?

Yeah.

Congratulations on that, by the way. But we need more of that into the camera.

Like, what type of cancer was it?

Basal cell carcinoma.

Oh, gross.

Sounds gross. Well, talk about it and what chemotherapy was like.

Oh, no, I was in and out.

Of consciousness, of course.

Yeah, talk about being unconscious.

No, no, like I was in and out of the hospital.

The doctor just removed the mole and I was cured.

This is a disaster.

One sec. I have an idea. Stick with me here. Kelly, we're going to take this

viral video in a little bit of a different direction.

Okay, sure.

Okay. Just read that into the camera, okay?

We're going to get him. Oh, actually, let's start with a few lip trills.

And repeat after me.

Donovan Bailey.

Donovan Bailey.

Perfect.

Oh, Mr. Cheely.

That's me, the man, the myth, the... What's up? I need something signed.

I'd be happy to.

I need a sign -out slip. I don't feel well.

That's it? I really don't feel well.

Can I see your yearbook for a second?

Oh, how's this?

That is perfect.

And if you need anything else signed, anything whatsoever, you let me know.

Thanks, Mr. Cheely. Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Malick, will you sign my yearbook?

Certainly.

That's my pen. I love that.

Donovan Bailey, I love you. I am riddled with cancer.

I only have a few days left.

to ask you this question.

Please be my date to the semi -formal this Friday at Xavier Academy. If you

can't make it, I'll probably die. I love you.

Donovan Bailey.

I think that works.

Sir, what did you do?

What? That video went viral. You should be thanking me. You made the video all

weird and you didn't use anything that I actually said.

And I still don't know who Donovan Bailey is.

Lifetime world and Olympic champion.

Who the hell are you?

Your semi -formal date, Kelly. You're not Drake.

What's going on, Mr. Duncan?

Duncan?

Jerry Duncan.

Hello, Donovan. Wow.

You did all of this just to get me here?

It worked.

So how about you and me have a little rematch? Unless you're afraid.

Afraid?

Donald Bailey's always ready to run.

Let's go.

Okay, that's just ridiculous.

Okay.

Okay, I had to switch my shoes.

Now I'm ready.

Okay, Jerry, 100 meters to that tree right there.

Okay, that's way more than 100 meters.

100 exactly.

Okay.

Whoosh!

You know what these gluten -free snacks need? A buttload of gluten.

Can you sign this?

If you're not here for me, I already signed it.

Do you want me to sign it?

Yeah, please, sign it.

There you go.

Good fuck.

Huh?

Dear Stefan, you're a good kid. Good fuck?

No, that's obviously an L. Good luck.

Not in English it isn't. Bobby, what does that say?

You're a good kid. Good fuck. No. Wow.

Yeah. You see, that's why people don't want you signing those things. You

my yearbook, sir.

It's obviously a misunderstanding.

Yeah, tell it to the judge.

Stefan!

Luck sakes.

Oh, God, they didn't even spike the punch. What's wrong with these kids?

Hey, how you doing?

Just thinking about Simon.

What might have been.

Why did I have to bring pie?

You know, this would have been our song.

Hey, why don't you go check the bathrooms for pukers?

Yeah. Yeah.

You're welcome.

Simon.

You came.

Of course.

I wanted to see you.

Also, I was called in to supervise as well.

Uh, Dan?

I thought you'd never ask.

Oh, okay.

Can you just get this?

So,

what about your mom?

Oh, she doesn't know I'm here.

Knocked through the bedroom window.

You're so brave.

What's that?

Um...

Sorry.

You're so brave.

You are. I was thinking, when can I see you again?

Oh, no.

No.

No, we won't be able to see each other. When my mom finds out about this little

stunt, I'll be grounded for a long time. A real long time.

Even so, I should probably make it back before she has time to notice that I'm

gone.

Okay, so that should be now.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

You know what?

Borrowed these from her boss.

I'm going to need to drop the phone.

Okay, bye.

I guess you left again, huh? I didn't lose. I got injured. It doesn't count.

It counts.

We're done, Jerry. Don't ever call me again.

I wasn't going to call you again.

Good race, Frank.

I can't believe that I lost by a hair to the fastest man alive.

I guess that makes you the second fastest man alive.

First of all, he was like the fastest man alive forever ago.

Second of all, you're not even the second fastest person at this table,

I'm the fastest.

Then Malik, then you.

Let's go race right now. I'll race you right now with one leg.

But I've already beaten you on no legs. You have legs.

Yeah, but they don't work. Oh, prove it.

Am I really the second fastest man alive?

Malik. Go clean the school.

Put urinal pucks or something.