Original subtitles

Being a stay -at -home dad is very exciting. My day starts with... Excuse

um, I thought this was career day?

Jimmy, being a stay -at -home dad is a very big career, a very important

to look after children.

It's something we have accepted in society now. That's not a fun job. Just

because Ron doesn't get a paycheck from some big company every week still means

he has a career, and that's not a lot of fun, I might add.

I couldn't imagine chasing you kids around all day.

Really? A stay -at -home dad?

John is his youngest son.

What?

Okay, then your other two are... They're away at university.

But you drive John back and forth?

No, he drives himself.

Make his lunch or anything?

No, he works. He buys his own lunch.

He works?

Yeah. Maybe he should do a career day for us.

Because... How do you call yourself a stay -at -home dad?

Well, I'm a dad.

And I stay at home.

Because you're a dad and you stay at home. So you put the two.

So... So what Ron does is called unemployment, which is not

something we're trying to achieve.

No. Stay at home, dad.

I just stay in the home.

And I'm a dad.

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie.

I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my

life gone by.

I'm awesome.

Hey,

David, can you give me a boost?

A what?

A boost so I can start my car.

Uh, sure.

Hey, I really don't know anything about, uh... I do.

Must be nice to have parents buy you a little toy like this.

I suppose it would be.

But I paid for this myself.

How? I play the stock market.

Oh.

Where's the battery on this thing? I think it's all a battery. It's not all a

battery. You don't know where your battery is? I pay people to know where

battery is.

Get it.

Can you give me a ride home?

Sorry, bro, can't.

It's a theater and I gotta pick up the girl.

I can give you some change for the bus if you'd like.

No, I don't want bus change.

I'm not taking the bus. I'll get a ride.

Don't call me bro.

She could just sit on my lap. I can get a ride. Excuse me?

I did that all the time in high school. Girls sit on my lap. What's the big

deal? Just because there's not enough. Forget it.

Here you go, Flo.

Milk and two sugars.

You're an angel.

Thanks. You off on some big date tonight?

No.

Come on. A beautiful young thing like you? Look at that face.

Your skin. You're perfect.

Sure gonna miss you. Miss me? Why, what's going on?

Mandatory retirement.

Oh, no.

After this week, I'll be going on record as the longest -serving crossing guard

at Xavier Academy.

25 years.

Well, and at least you'll get to sleep in in the morning.

Oh, I don't want to sleep in.

I like my job. I like keeping people in line.

Gives me something to wake up for.

Well, 25 years is a big accomplishment. What are they doing for you, a

retirement party?

This is my party.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Don't do that.

Okay.

Let's do it.

Thank you, Flo.

Thank you.

It's nice to be appreciated.

What you looking at?

What are you doing? What? Look, I don't know if you're in some kind of financial

trouble or something, but you can't sell this place without my permission.

I'm not selling this place. The landlord's selling the place.

Who? The landlord. The guy who owns the house.

Well, then how come when you found this place, you said, I found it's a house?

And I did.

Here it is. We're renting it.

I'm writing a check to somebody else.

Yeah. Not the bank.

No. What?

We don't own the house, Jerry.

Did you ever sign a mortgage or have a meeting at a bank?

I signed something.

What did I sign? The lease.

Lease? Yeah.

Who rents?

Idiots rent.

I thought we owned this place.

Don't own the house, Jerry.

This was my nest egg. This is what I was going to retire on.

Dumb plan.

Who's that?

Should be on the house.

Mr. Duncan, right?

Yeah, I'm Mr. Duncan.

You teach my son Alex. I'm Christine.

Oh, yeah, Alex. Little Alex, yeah.

You have a wonderful place here, Mr. Duncan. I'm very interested.

Very. Apparently it's not our place, so... And I think Alex will get a kick

of being your new landlord.

I'll see you around.

Yeah.

We're not going to sell her the place, are we? No. Thank you. A landlord is.

See? Are you teaching a sex ed unit?

What? Oh, sex.

Well, that must belong to Bobby then. Well, why is Bobby's stuff printing here

and where's my stuff?

Call the IT guy.

No. Why not?

Because man has been printing on paper for thousands and thousands of years.

It's probably simple. I'm sure I can figure it out. What's the big deal? The

deal is this. It takes them like two to three days to show up. And when they do,

all they tell you is to reboot, reboot, reboot.

At least I think that's what they're saying. It's hard to know because they

speak like English has a billionth language.

No offense.

Oh, I'm so sorry. That fifth language I learned is not enough perfect for you.

See, I'm getting like every third word.

Right, but why did you put the steel beams in?

Oh, Ted had to reinforce the ceiling because we put in a sex wing.

Okay. Want to see a picture? No, no, no, no.

You know what?

Hey. Sorry, I just... You guys, you both own your own homes?

Yeah, of course.

Of course we're building our own home. Why wouldn't we own our own home? I

we have jobs.

Well, don't tell me you still rent, Jeremy. I'm thinking of buying. Renting

for losers.

You know.

Actually, he owns his own home, too. Where?

India?

So what have you been doing with your money until now?

Oh, well, my money's locked up, so... Oh, in what?

Sort of side investments.

In what? Oh, in what?

Stamps.

I have a hockey card. I have a Gretzky rookie card in really good condition.

Worth a lot. A couple comics. Right.

Stuff like that. Like sort of stuff that, like different stuff. Stuff that

people don't always think of directly with financials. No, what you could do

you could call your stamp guy and see if you could buy a home with your stamp.

Yeah, or maybe your hockey card.

Okay. All right.

Very funny.

Me and Ted using these. No, I don't want to see that. Please.

Thank you.

These came out in the science lab. And I got

these from the third floor.

And for you. Okay.

And these arrived at my desk. I think these are yours.

Who are they from? I don't know.

Someone printed out the ecological footprints of the tar sands. Yeah,

Scientific supply catalog.

Yeah. Psych? I've got psych here. Okay, do we even have a French department,

people? Stop.

Please stop.

We can't keep operating like this. This is crazy.

Then call IT, Robert.

I have reset all of the printer drivers, okay?

It is fake.

That's an embarrassment.

How to build a bomb?

All right, have a good day.

Bye.

What, Alex?

I believe the sir must refer to the landlord with proper title. You may call

Lord Alex.

Okay, don't talk like that, and you're not my landlord.

Not yet.

No, this is between your parents and myself.

It has nothing to do with you. Well, you got me, sir. I'm not going to be your

landlord. Yeah, I know that.

Because my parents are destroying the house and building a new one.

Well, where am I going to go?

Who cares? It's business.

I'm not there.

I know it's a shock.

But if you ever find yourself homeless, you can come live with us.

I've always wanted a butler.

Such a great location.

It's a great house.

Why can't we buy it? Hey, guys.

I didn't know you were here.

Hey, man. Can I get a water?

Yep. I hear you say something about buying a house.

Yeah, what do you think?

Why don't we buy it?

Maybe. I don't know. I never really thought about it.

Don't do it.

Big mistake.

Don't rent.

Don't own.

Just move in with your mom.

Easy street.

I mean, there's a whole slew of reasons why I wouldn't live with my mom. One

being, how do you bring someone home at the end of the night? Oh, we got a

system worked out. My mom just puts a scrunchie on the front door, so I know

to go storming in.

And where do you go?

Lawn. The lawn.

What I really meant was, what do you do, though, if you want to bring someone

home? Hasn't come up yet? No.

But when it does,

I'll be ready. There you go. You carry a scrunchie with you. Safety first,

right, buddy?

Always be ready.

Super weird.

Great. Not your house, though, right? Your mom owns the house. You don't have

any equity.

Not familiar with that word? Gonna look it up?

Have a good night, gentlemen.

We gotta buy this place, Bill, before someone else does. You should own it. I

got ten grand saved for a down payment.

That's all we need for a deposit?

It's all I need, then you also need $10 ,000, and then we buy the house.

Where am I getting $10 ,000? Why'd you bring this up if you don't have the

money, Jerry? I didn't think you were going to ask me for $10 ,000. I just

thought of the idea.

How do you not have $10 ,000?

How do you have $10 ,000? Because I'm an adult with a job.

I'd put it into my savings. How do you not have savings?

Because I put my savings into the house we currently reside in. The house we

rent? Yeah.

Maybe you should look up equity.

Maybe I will.

Hey, guys, would you mind signing this?

Yeah. Birthday?

No, Flo's retiring.

Who's Flo?

Flo, our crossing guard. She's been with us for 25 years. Not ringing a bell.

Yeah, nope.

The sweetest 70 -year -old woman ever.

Yeah, still nothing.

Whatever. I'll sign it. Okay.

I'm thinking about throwing our goodbye party.

You're not asking for money, are you?

You know.

That is just unbelievable.

This poor woman has sat outside in the sleet and rain and hot sun for

years. I'll tell you who she is. She's given us safety and happy children and

the best, if not the last years of her life. And for what? For what? To just

alone with nobody except for my three cats and a PhD to say that I mattered?

Thank you so much.

It's great.

Thanks.

That got a bit personal, right?

What? Yeah.

David, I need you to tell me how you made that kind of money to buy a car

that. I'm working on an assignment right now, sir. Oh, really? Well, I got a new

assignment for you. I need to make cash fast, and you're going to tell me how

you did that. Well, I bought my car short -selling stock, sir.

Okay, and what is that?

It's essentially selling something you don't own.

I own nothing, so this is good. Go on.

Okay. You borrow a share of a company you don't think is going to do so great.

Okay, borrow a share.

You sell the share you borrowed at the current market price. The market price

falls.

Falls doesn't sound right. Short selling. You sell high to buy low.

Yeah, that doesn't sound right.

Long selling is you buy low to sell high.

Ah, that's the one I've heard of. Shorting is the opposite.

You buy the stock low to replace the stock you borrowed. That I borrowed.

To sell high. Sell high. You got it? Yep.

Great. You'll need a few grand to start.

I don't have a few grand.

What? How?

You're an adult.

You must have acquired some capital over the years.

I'm a teacher, so no.

And I thought I had a house, but I don't. Well, so you're telling me other

your teacher's pension, you have no retirement savings at all?

Teacher's pension. I forgot about that. I will cash that in. I will get money.

Sir, that's not a good idea. Because the guy running my money now is doing

better than you? No, he's not. I don't even know him.

Sir, I think you should hire a professional to help you. That costs

Why? When I have you. You're my professional.

I haven't seen anybody around here driving a car like that. So somebody

what they're talking about.

Thanks for the advice.

Hey, but sir.

Sir.

So here's what we know. You ready?

Bobby's phys ed printer is printing to the main office, right?

Right. Dwyer's printer is printing in Simon's lab for some reason, right?

Right. And Lisa's printer is printing to the third floor for some reason, the

music room.

Where's the office printing going, Robert?

See? That's the thing of it.

Where? Okay, if this is ridiculous, I'm calling IT. No, no, no, we're so close.

Don't you sense the pattern is emerging?

I can almost taste it.

You cashed out your pension?

Best thing I ever did.

Why am I leaving my money in the hands of people I don't even know? Who knows

they know what they're doing? I found out what to do.

You short stocks.

See that line going down? Mm -hmm. That's my shorting line, which means my

profits are going up, up, up. Ooh.

Maybe I should get in on that. I got some money set aside. You should. I can

show you how to do it.

We'll both get out of this racket.

Getting sick of some of these kids anyway.

Oof. Me too.

Yeah.

So I don't understand. You buy stocks.

They go down and you make money. The way it was explained to me is it's the

opposite of what you normally do, which is you buy low, you sell high. This time

you get it high, and I think you sell low or something. But the bottom line is

you're hoping that the stock does poorly. So you buy it at this price, you

it at a lower price.

It's called shorting.

Excuse me, sir?

What do you want, Alex?

My father's a stockbroker. Do you want some tips from Mr. D? Yeah.

If you're shorting, you don't buy the stocks. You borrow them. Yeah, well, I

don't borrow anything.

That's what shorting is, sir.

If you own the stocks and the price goes down, you're just losing money.

That's what I said, right? That's what I did, right, when I said it to you?

I'm not 100 % clear what's being said right now. I think I screwed this up. I

think he's right. I didn't borrow anything.

They took my money out. Oh. How do I stop? Press escape.

Yeah, but I don't know the password. The guy set it up for me.

The bank. I don't even... Bank.

I need a phone, Simon. This isn't funny. I'm losing all my money right now. Sir,

if you want, you can still apply for the butler job.

That's funny, Alex.

Mr. Duncan?

Just a reminder, there's a student council meeting at lunch.

Not now, Natalie.

Least of my worries is stupid student council.

I don't know how to tell you. I gotta go do this. Watch my class. I gotta do

this right now.

Flo is the model of spirit, kindness, and dedication.

Flo, you've never let us down.

And for that, I would, we would like to present you with this plaque.

When I retire, do not give me a plaque.

Give me something I can sell.

Or drink.

You'll be missed.

Wow. This is amazing.

I love my job.

Sound of children outside. Being in the outside world. I mean, that's heaven to

me. Probably because I spent so much time in confined space.

You know, I was surprised when I got the job initially, but when you sleep with

your parole officer, he's willing to pull a few strings. No background checks

when you're on your back, huh?

Crap.

Swore I wouldn't cry.

Damn you, Lisa.

If I would have known there was this much kindness out in the world waiting

me, maybe I wouldn't have knifed the shift manager at the diner. What an ass.

Wash your hands, wash your hands.

I got his hands clean, all right. I stuck them in the deep fryer before they

pulled me off him.

Yeah, how do you like that for clean? Jerk off.

So annoying.

I learned a lot in there.

Mainly that blood wash is off easier than gravy.

Oh, jeez.

I guess I got lost down memory lane there for a second.

Thank you all for this.

She seems nice.

Hey, David.

You owe me $6 ,000.

What? I did everything you told me to do, and I lost almost all my pension.

I never told you to do anything.

You told me to short a stock.

bought it or borrowed it or whatever I was supposed to do, but I lost money.

That's all I know. No, I said that's what I do, and I would certainly never

you to put your pension on one stock.

Diversification? Come on.

What's diversification? You never mentioned that before.

And this is why I told you to hire a professional. You never mentioned

diversification, David.

You get me $6 ,000.

Why don't you give me $3 ,000, half of it?

You're lucky I kept my stamps and my hockey cards.

Let's see how your final grade is. Might drop a little.

Plug. Power.

Power. Plug. Power. Plug.

Power. Plug.

Power.

And print.

Work.

Rudy?

What's the number for the IT department?

Well, it's about time, Robert.

And still digging.

We did have a lot of great memories here, Bill.

Did we?

Yeah.

Women, parties.

Pretty sure those are my memories.

Who cares whose memories they are? The memories belong to the house. They stay.

We take them.

I don't know. I think maybe Simon's right.

Maybe it's time for us to just get out there, get our own places.

What does that mean?

Well... Two bit.

Hey, buddy.

What are you doing here?

Just swinging by with some good news.

You won't be losing your home.

What?

Why? You got a friend in me, and that's why.

You're gonna lend me the money to buy the place.

Better. Took your advice, Jerry. Decided to dive into the market, and I bought

the house.

And we can stay.

You can stay?

I can swing by when the fancy strikes me. Ooh, might be pretty often.

Win,

win, win.

Yeah, yeah.

My mom wanted me to raise the rent, but I said, no, they're my friends.

And I'll be staying there a lot, so she'll be swinging by occasionally

for sleepovers.

I liked it better when we owned it ourselves.

We never owned the place, Jerry.

There's no proof of that.

I'm gonna have to keep these in the house.

Oh, my gosh.

Two by two. Keep in line.

Hey, you agitator.

Keep in line.

You eyeing me, boy.

You eyeing me. All right, Flo.

You're done. I got four more days.

Not anymore, you don't. Give me the sign. Give it to me.

I'll remember you, Chili.

Okay. Sleep with one eye open.

Yeah. Up. School property.

Keep the bathtub out.

Did you really give that thing a plaque?

I didn't know.

Oh, just.

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