Original subtitles

Hey, everybody, come on over here.

Okay, when I was a kid, we fought for everything.

Nothing was handed to us.

When we competed, only first, second, and third got a trophy.

Nobody else.

Can I have a sucker, sir?

You sure can, Faith.

Yeah, throw me one, too, sir. Who else wants a sucker?

Great.

I only have five suckers, so we're going to play a game called scrambles. I'm

going to throw the suckers down, and you're going to fight for them. And

gets a sucker gets to keep it. Can't you just get more suckers? No, Bethany, I

can't get more suckers, because then you're not learning how to compete.

Were you even listening to what I said? We all want a sucker. That's not fair.

Life's not fair.

Five suckers. It's a mad dash.

Ready? Scrambles!

What are you doing? Get the suckers.

They're all gross and covered in dirt.

There's wrappers. They're not covered in dirt.

Have they been near nuts?

No, they haven't been near nuts.

And what if when we're picking them up, we bang heads and get a concussion?

You're not going to get a concussion.

Isn't this polluting?

Yeah, you should pick those up. Just forget it. Forget I even brought it up.

Just forget it.

I'm so tired of this generation.

Go do something that's competitive.

Learn how to compete.

Learn how to win.

Why do you get a sucker?

I get a sucker because I bought it.

Then we'll just get our parents to buy us suckers.

Yeah, exactly.

Great. See how that works for you in 20 years when you get into the real world.

This isn't the real world.

I'm awesome.

No, you're not, dude. Don't lie.

I'm awesome. I'm driving around in my mom's ride. I'm awesome. A quarter of my

life gone by.

I'm awesome.

How was it?

Yeah, it went well.

I talked to her. She said she had a great time with you men.

I'm glad.

That was what?

You think you'll see her again?

See who?

Dave set me up with a friend of his.

Beautiful lady, but I think it's a little too soon after Donna, you know?

You have a single friend?

You set her up with one of the vice principals when you know the principal's

single? Why would you do that? You asked me first. If I say no, then you set him

up. I don't know, man. She's a lot younger than you. Might be weird with

gap. Age gap?

What are you talking about? He's older than me. For real?

Wow. I'm sorry, Jerry. I didn't know, man.

But look at this guy.

He's, like, super built.

His skin is so tight. He looks good.

My skin's tight, so... You look fine, Jerry. I look fine? We'll talk later.

Yeah.

All muscle.

How old are you? Ah, 38.

No, 30. Yeah, I turned 38.

You look 58, so...

What's up, BFF girlfriends?

So, what are you guys doing Friday night? My schedule's wide open, as

That depends entirely on why you're asking.

But if I told you, we are going to an escape room.

Oh, my God. Those sound like so much fun. Right? Yeah. You know what?

Why the hell not?

Oh, this is amazing.

Okay, so there's a minimum requirement. We just have to get a few more people to

make a team.

We'll spread the word and get a big group together. I'm so happy.

What are we spreading and when?

Lisa's putting together an escape room for the staff.

Trapped in a locked room together? Count me in.

And I know Suzette's in, too.

Oh, yeah.

I can't wait.

Have we met?

Pleased to meet you.

You never noticed this tall glass of Chardonnay?

Okay, great.

Yeah, so, uh, Suzette and Frank are in. So, and also you guys are in. What's

wrong?

Hey, Jack.

You can sign this for me.

You okay?

Just can't understand how Dave thought you looked younger than me.

I mean, look at you.

You blame him? You don't exactly take care of yourself.

Take care of myself?

If it's that teacher, I always take care of myself. Always in tip -top shape.

Always ready to play sports.

Look what you're eating. Chicken wings, frozen pizza.

What is that, mozzarella sticks?

Yeah, it's pizza, chicken wings, mozzarella sticks.

I've got three of the main food groups here. I've got fruit, tomatoes, I've got

meat, I've got cheese, dairy.

I've got carbs, bread. That's not exactly what you call healthy eating,

Look, if you want to look good on the outside, it matters what you put on the

inside. What do you eat for lunch, Mr.

Nutritionist? Roasted tempeh, quinoa, broccoli.

I only recognize broccoli, and that's disgusting, so I can only imagine the

other two taste like crap.

Well, it's up to you, but you're not getting any younger.

You think eating better makes you look younger?

Take a look at me.

Fine, I'll do it. I'll change my diet. Whatever you eat, I want to eat.

My man, I'll make you a list. Make me a list, and I'm going to look better than

you.

No, no, don't take it now. Well, not... I don't want to... It's going to start

tomorrow. It's a crumb or something.

You want it to... Hey!

There she is. Have a seat.

Finally, some time for just the two of us.

Just wanted to talk to you about a bit of a sensitive matter.

Speed it up, Robert. There's no easy way to say this. I'm just going to... Blah!

There has been some...

Negative feedback lately about your attitude.

You got five more seconds.

People think you're mean.

What? Yeah.

Which one of those sons of bitches said that?

Okay.

Teaching moment. Did you hear how that sounded just now?

Sons of bitches.

Not a word we use in the workplace.

And to be honest, pretty much all the sons of bitches have said it at one

or another. Even this? Sons of bitch.

Well, you can tell those sackless idiots they can kiss my ass.

You should just try to be nicer.

Nice. I think you might like it. Yeah? And what if I don't?

Negative comments are piling up.

Your performance review is just around the corner. Is that right?

Performance review is directly tied to compensation.

Cha -ching, cha -ching.

So I think you might want to just work on your attitude.

Dollar, dollar bills, y 'all.

Okay.

Okay? Yep.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Interesting twist.

Chicken fingers.

Chicken fingers?

Well, hold on.

I can't have chicken fingers.

Can't have chicken fingers.

Can't have a hot dog.

Cheese on the lasagna? Yeah, all lasagna has cheese.

Are you the cook?

You the chef?

I take it out of the box and I heat it up. So, yeah, technically.

All right. That's not on my list.

Oh, what's that? I think it's chicken.

Like 60 % chicken. What's the other 40?

It might be fish. Let me... I don't want to know it.

There's nothing on my list here.

What list?

Mr. Dwyer gave me a... Oh, man, he's in good shape, that guy.

Okay. I am, too.

And I'm going to be in better shape, right, when I go through this list and

what's on it.

Yeah, you definitely can't eat anything here, then. They make us use cheap and

unhealthy options.

Well, what am I supposed to do? I wanted to order a healthier menu, but Mr.

Chili turned me down.

Chili? Why would you ask Chili? Why wouldn't you ask me?

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm the principal.

How do you not know that? I'm just trying to do my job, man. I work here

hours a day.

I'll tell you what I do know.

I had a fan.

Can you help me get my fan back? Okay.

Relax.

Get your pen. But I'm starving. I gotta get something to eat here.

Let me look at your list. I'll see what I can do.

All right. You're a chef.

When you make something, just let me know. I'll come back. Yeah, yeah.

cafeteria guy.

Lettuce.

Terrible.

Wow, that looks good.

Oh. Come on, Faith.

Hey, sir, would you like to buy something for our bake sale?

What are you doing?

What are you, drunk?

Where's the cafeteria? Cafeteria guy.

My name's Eric.

Starting now, no more of this food.

Healthy food. Only healthy food.

Because if I can't eat this, nobody can eat this. Okay? Because that's the new

rule. All right?

Got it.

You owe me $34.

$34 for two cupcakes?

Everybody's got the new food. Looks good.

Looks healthy.

Right?

Let's give it a whirl.

I don't know what... Nope.

Nope, nope.

Can't eat that.

The food's amazing, Jerry.

I'm not bringing my lunch tomorrow.

Way to hook it up. The menu's insane. I'm eating like a king, man.

Are you guys like this?

Because I'm not liking this. I'm not going to lie.

It's disgusting, sir.

We want burgers, fries, and milkshakes.

You don't think I want that, too?

Then make it stop.

I can't make it stop, okay? Because I've got to look better than Mr. Dwyer.

That's the goal here.

Who cares about looking better than Mr. Dwyer?

We have to eat this crap because you're vain?

First of all, watch your tone.

And secondly, yes, you do. Because if you get burgers, fries, and milkshakes

I see it, I can't eat this.

All right? It's called temptation, and I don't want it. So that's why everybody

has to eat this. And the teachers like it.

Does that work for you, Faith?

I've got two choices.

That or starve.

And I don't want to starve.

Hey, Trudy.

It smells nice in here.

It's my new fragrance, mister. I'm so glad you like it. Next chance I get, I'm

going to pick one up for you.

Oh, thanks. That's really... Nice? Yeah.

Terrific. Oh, Lisa, I'm glad you're here. I got you a little something. Oh,

me?

Ta -da!

You got me a cat tree. Yes, because I knew you needed a new one.

But how did you know I needed one? Yeah.

That doesn't matter, does it? Because it makes you happy, and if it makes you

happy, Lisa, it makes me happy. Oh.

And don't think I forgot about you, Bobby. Oh, no, look. Wish you would.

Is that Mr. Ruffles? It sure is.

I lost Mr. Ruffles when I was a kid, Trudy. I know.

And I talked to your mother, and she told me how sad you were that you

pass it on to baby Craig, so...

I stitched you a brand new one from scratch.

He's even got the lazy eyes.

Oh. I know.

That's just me taking an interest in my colleagues who I like because I'm so

nice now.

We have to go. Thanks for being so nice. Yeah.

Have a beautiful day.

Let's go.

Let's go.

They think I'm starving, like I don't know what you eat. I bet you're

but I don't know what you mean. I got a mean appetite, more than average size.

No, I don't skip Alamo with the apple pie.

Triple scoop soy milk and coconut.

Flavor some vanilla cookie dough to mocha fudge. And bokeh burgers like

Fake chicken fingers is the tip of the iceberg.

No tree -hugging stereotypes.

I'm about to read a pizza's burial rites. A murderous plot. It was sharing

pot. Just skip the pepperoni, keep the dairy aside.

Gimme, gimme junk food till it hurts me. Attack a pack of snacks with no mercy.

Quit cold turkey, switch to tofurkey. Get slim jims and hit the sword jerky.

They call it rabbit food.

It's almost the big day. Escape room party. Who's excited?

I actually have really good news. Oh! Turns out I already had plans on Friday.

What, crazy?

I never have plans on weekends. Okay, well that's okay. We'll take lots of

photos for you, right?

Yeah, I'm also not going.

Oh, why?

I just lost interest. To be honest, I was surprised that I said yes in the

place. Thank you anyway.

Okay. Real good time.

So, Bobby. Hey. I know you're in.

No,

Craig's sick, so no dice. But what about Simon?

No, Simon has date night with his mother on Friday. Bummer.

Send me some pictures, okay?

No, but... Oh, God.

Who's less than... Looks like it's just us.

We asked around and this is it.

We're the four amigos.

It's going to be the best night ever.

Trapped in a room together.

No way out. I can't wait.

Hey, Nisha.

Need me to pick you up?

Okay.

I live, actually... You know what? I'll find you.

Okay. Great dress, by the way. It really is the perfect blue. And I like your

waterproof footwear.

We're going to have a great time at the escape room.

Trapped in the same room.

For amigo.

Maybe it

is working. Meow.

Give me some of that fried chicken. You are looking good.

Extra. Belt.

Who'd know eating disgusting food would make you look younger.

Indeed who.

Speaking of which, I have been meaning to talk to you about your meal plan.

A lot of the staff have thanked me, so my pleasure. Kids don't like it. Who

cares?

Only thing about it is it is hemorrhaging money.

Meaning? Meaning it costs a lot, which is why I rejected it when Eric first

pitched it to me. Who's Eric?

Eric the cafeteria guy. Oh, okay. Well, his opinion means nothing. You said I

look svelte, whatever that means. Your decision, totally.

Yes, it is.

I'm just saying you should probably cancel it. All right, so I'm keeping it.

Good for you. Yeah, keep it. Great. Keep it.

But if you're going to keep it, you have to cut costs somewhere.

I'll find the money somewhere. I get how it works. I get accounting.

I'll raise tuition, okay, and it'll balance the spreadsheets or whatever.

Parents' number one complaint is already the cost of tuition.

Look, I don't care what you do. I don't have a dog in the hunt.

I'm not going to die on Food Hill.

But I'm just saying, if I was principal, I'd probably cancel it.

Keep it. Find the money.

Gotcha. Not worried about where to find the money. That's the easy part.

Hey, Dave. Hey. I wanted to check in and see how you were enjoying the cafeteria

food that I brought in. It's amazing, man. I got way more energy.

I think I'm going to start running in the mornings, you know? I love it.

Well, you can imagine that that food is very expensive, so it's really taking a

bite out of our budget. It's kind of predictable. I am an economics teacher.

Just do the math.

The menu's wild.

So you understand better than anyone that in order to keep that great food,

we've got to make cuts in the school.

Obviously, the money's got to come from somewhere.

There's my boy.

Perfect. So you're fired.

What? Yeah, I guess we all gotta make sacrifices to keep this menu.

Who else is sacrificing?

Well, thanks to you, nobody.

You're my first sacrifice.

Who's gonna teach economics?

Ah, I think I just proved I could probably handle it with the debits and

credits and the balancing.

I chose you, though, because I didn't like what you said about Dwyer looking

better than me. I'm not saying that's why I'm firing you, but I'm saying I

didn't like it, and it's probably why I'm firing you. But it's just business.

Oh, hey, Dave. If I need a substitute, you're on my list. I'm not saying where,

but you're on it.

Thanks, Julie.

Got it.

Man, this one really hurts. Probably wondering why I wanted to see you again.

I would never question your leadership, Co -Vice Principal Cheely.

Okay, but this is just it, Trudy. We've gotten more negative comments, okay?

And here I've been nothing but nice.

But that's the problem. You're being too nice.

It's creeping people out.

Well, I only have two speeds, Robert. I have the old Trudy, an extra nice Trudy.

So what's it going to be? The choice is yours.

Oh.

I see what you're doing.

Jesus, I hope so, because I'm being pretty transparent here.

You played me, sister.

Fine. You win.

Just go back to your old self.

Thank Christ!

I was starting to have palpitations. By the way, your future mother -in -law...

Big yapper on her. Good luck with that. Those pants, I don't want to say this,

I'm saying this with love, Robert, but they make you look like you have three

testicles. And also, when you smile, you look like a nutcracker. Have a nice

day.

Kind of missed you.

Dumbass. The weirdest.

Sickest way.

What the hell? Relax, I'm only here for a minute.

You guys.

I am so, so sorry, but I am just desperately sick.

I am so contagious, and I'm just not going to be able to go to the escape

social tonight.

But, Nisha, we really need you. I was really looking forward to spending some

quality time together.

Can't you just drag yourself there? I drag myself everywhere.

I'm so sorry. The three of you guys have so much fun, but I can't go.

That's too bad, because we just realized that we can all make the escape room

now.

What? Yeah, we're all going. Yeah, I woke up this morning and I thought,

room. Yeah, I'd like to do that.

Oh, it's too bad you're going to miss it. You know what?

Probably, actually, if I'm honest now, by the time you guys are all at the

escape room, I'll probably be feeling a lot better. I could pop in.

Put your mask back on.

I'm still cooking here. I'm not spending hours trapped in a room with your

leftover bacteria.

Then can we at least reschedule a time when we can all go?

We can all go, just not you.

Yeah, and if you think about it, the chances of getting all these people

organized on the same night, it's not going to happen ever again.

Can't stop this locomotive now, girlfriend.

Nah, you should probably go home. Yeah, I mean, you look really bad. Terrible.

Tell you what, when you're feeling better, I'll come over.

I'll bring Stu.

Oh, my God. See?

All right. There, that's better. Now you should probably skedaddle.

Yeah, or maybe I could just hang out here with you guys. There you go.

Stop it! Okay.

All right, well, I guess you guys have fun at this thing.

You look good.

Hey, Jay.

Huh?

What happened to your face?

I've got shingles.

Need some time off. You look disgusting.

Well, shingles does that to you, Jay.

What a turn of events, because I'm just starting to look really good. You're

looking like crap.

Thanks. How long is it going to last? I don't know, weeks, months, maybe never.

Look, it's actually pretty painful.

It'd be great if you had it for a long time.

How so?

Because then I'll always look better than you.

But I always look younger. You do look younger, but you look like shit.

Thanks,

Jerry. I'm going to order some pizza. I don't have to eat this anymore with you.

Pizza's a bad choice.

Hey, when you come back, make sure it's all gone, because I won't be able to eat

anything if you're walking around looking like that.

Thanks, Jerry.

Wait, those are kind of healthy.

The key to your escape lies within the container of an aromatic resin used in

perfumes obtained from the trees of the genus Boswellia.

That's a tough one.

Anyone have any clues?

No, I don't, but I don't even care because I'm having so much fun.

Me too.

To be honest, I don't really care if we escape.

If they want us to escape, make the room more boring. Right? Yeah.

Can I just say?

I'm having a wonderful time. Well, can I just say what a pleasure it is to get

to know you so well and what a fantastic baby you are.

Absolutely. Nisha really doesn't know what she's making. You couldn't recreate

this if you tried.

Frankincense.

The kiss in the frankincense.

Someone died in love.

Kumbaya.

Someone's crying in love.

Kumbaya.

For more Mr. D, please check out the website.

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