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Aw.

You're right. This is better than the health club.

So, which one is yours?

I'm just looking.

Pardon?

I don't own a dog anymore.

Oh.

Hey, Mogly-

We should probably feed him.

Sure.

Whatever.

Who knows what's going on in there?

I bet there's some flesh touching

and some tongues

and a little sweat, maybe.

Oh, they're in there, all right.

I can practically smell it.

Jesus Christ.

They've been drunk and at it for days.

This isn't friendship wine.

This is lovers wine.

This is wine for people who grunt and grope

and have sex with their socks on.

This is a good wine

for pouring on each other's asses.

Mogley!!

M. Mosh!!!

Andy?

You take my dog, and you leave a note?

Just 'cause you paid for him

doesn't mean that he's yours.

Didn't your Mom teach you any manners?

Didn't your Mother teach you

to break up with some style?

You gotta just get over it, OK?

Just move on with your life.

Get over it? It's been 4 days.

I know you're hurting, OK?

But I'm hurting, too.

Yeah, right.

It's hard to leave.

It's hard to just wake up one day,

rent a truck, move all your stuff out.

It takes courage.

I'm hurting, too.

Um...

I gotta-- I gotta go, OK?

Sorry-

It's not gonna help.

Listen, go back inside, OK, old man?

You don't understand, all right?

I do.

Sir, you got your slippers on, OK, come on.

I do understand.

I understand that love...

is not your faithful friend.

Love is not your confidant.

Love is not your scuba buddy.

Love is a beast that you chase.

You can smell its fur,

but you can't quite ever see its face.

That's just what I've been thinking.

Oh, man.

Hi there.

Hi, Andy.

Listen, man. I made you a tape last night.

Those are the saddest songs in the western world.

The only thing that can help you now

is Country and Western music.

Thanks, Jeff. Thanks.

You're welcome.

Listen, sweetie, you forgot your lunch.

I did? Where?

Right here.

Oh, that is so corny.

Listen, I have a late photo shoot tonight.

You have to take the girls to their first class.

Obedience training starts this evening.

It'll be lots of fun, won't it, gals?

Yes, babies.

And listen, Andy,

when you can get through that whole tape without crying,

you're over her, man.

Thanks, Jeff.

You're welcome.

Bye, angel. See you.

See ya.

So how'd it go with Cheryl last night?

Did you talk to her?

Sort of.

And?

And, uh, it didn't really go as planned.

Good morning. Shift magazine.

Maybe I gave you some bad advice.

No, it's not that.

It's just that me and Cheryl aren't like--

weren't like you and Jeff, you know?

I thought you were a fabulous couple

the first time around.

Shut up.

I know it takes work. I know that.

No, no, it should be very easy.

What do you mean by that?

Listen, I sympathize with

and understand your need to connect.

I know that, but you commit so quickly

to these women who aren't "The One,"

and then it doesn't work out,

and then you try it again even harder

the next time, and it's a bad pattern.

I just like what you and Jeff have, you know?

We're not, um, that great.

We're good. It's good.

Yeah, you are. And you know what?

You're everybody's favorite couple.

Well, don't make it seem like a responsibility.

Hey, it is.

Every day-

You know how when you're a kid

and you think about how good it's gonna be

when you're older?

You guys are just how I'd imagine it, you know?

OK.

Tell me how you met, then.

You want to hear this story again?

Yeah.

OK.

I was coming back from a Valentine's Day shoot.

He was coming back from divorce court.

We had a bit of a fender bender.

That's right.

We didn't have any paper

to exchange information on,

so we wrote it down on a big red heart.

There was no damage, but he phoned anyway.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

I love that story.

I'm going to work now.

OK.

Hiya.

Hi.

I haven't seen you in here before.

No.

No, you haven't.

I'll have a brown cow, please.

Great.

You know,

make that a double scotch.

Ouch. Yeah.

Um, excuse me. Do I know you?

Is that it?

Is that your whole come-on line?

It's not a come-on line. I thought you smiled at me.

I thought I may have known you from college or something.

What's next? You're gonna ask me if I'm a model, too?

Yeah, right.

Sitting, drinking in a singles bar.

I don't want any part of that scene.

I wasn't drinking.

I actually just had a bowl of onion soup.

At least I have the decency to drink.

What kind of loser eats dinner in a singles bar?

Me.

But I don't come here.

So, what are you doing here?

What I'm saying is I don't usually come here.

So if I were to ask anyone in here

if any of them knew you, none of them would, right?

That's right.

Do you know this guy?

Him?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's a good guy. I can vouch for him.

Oh, sir, no, you can't.

It's been nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Nu'.!

What?

Shut up.

Uh, could you call me a cab, please, sir?

And I'd also like some tequila.

First she steals my dog,

and then they decide to steal my bike without a wheel.

Where are they gonna go without a wheel?

Where am I gonna go with just the wheel?

It's a tough town.

They stole your dog?

Oh, yeah. My Ex took my dog.

She didn't even like the dog until we broke up.

Then...

Can't even imagine. My God, I have a dog.

Peanut

Yeah, I think that's how I know you

is from the dog park.

How is Peanut?

She's great. Peanut's the best.

That's good.

So, what do you do?

I work writing classifieds.

I've read your work. Some of it's very good.

Thank you.

I'm Miss Bookworm.

Of course you are. Miss Bookworm.

What is that, "Miss Bookworm"?

Oh, the children's show, "Miss Bookworm."

The children's show.

Oh. ls there a Mr. Bookworm, Miss Bookworm?

No, no.

I'm a little turned around.

I've just been through something myself.

I guessed.

H ow?

Your attitude and the sweatpants kind of give you away.

You're wearing the uniform of the depressed.

You know, sweatpants and a raincoat.

You look good, though. You do.

Thanks.

What about you?

I've been single for 4 wonderful days.

We do have something in common, then, huh?

Yeah. Why do I get the feeling, though,

this is gonna wind up on a daytime talk show

with one of us wearing a disguise?

I really have no idea,

'cause I'm sure I look terrible in a beard.

Will you do me a favor?

Sure, I will.

Will you crack my neck?

What?

I think I slept on it wrong.

I pinched it or something.

I don't know how to crack a neck.

Come on. What are you, a sissy? Crack my neck.

OK, I'll give it a try.

I'm gonna try cracking her neck.

OK, I'll just...l guess I'll grab you right...

Ow!

Oh, God, I said I didn't know what I was doing.

Sorry-

Try again. Try again.

What if I kill you, though?

Don't worry. I'm already dead.

I just haven't stopped moving yet.

Just stop laughing for a sec.

It's kind of hard when you laugh.

It's OK.

It's all right.

Should we go to your place or mine?

That's it?

That's your whole come-on line?

Yeah.

Do you even know my name?

Mr. Johnson?

Close enough.

You're not one of those guys, are you?

No.

Mmm...

What guys?

You know, those guys who, like, talk

and yap and...

and romance you and then just go AWOL.

Mmm, oh, but, you know,

if I was one of those guys,

I'd tell you that I wasn't one of those guys--

just so you know.

That's--that's perfect.

What you said is just perfect.

What was that?

Oh, that's just my stomach.

Mmm. Oh.

Ohh.

Some date, huh?

I've had worse.

Oh, really?

Uh...

maybe not.

That's...

Ohh.

Pathetic, and I'm alone.

And I'm puking bar snacks.

No, you're not. You're not pathetic,

and you're not alone.

You are puking bar snacks,

but that's OK.

Ooh, sorry. You guys all right?

I think we're OK.

Hi.

You know, I just kind of felt

like I knew everything about her, you know?

Except her name.

Hmm?

I didn't get her name.

I call her Mr. Johnson,

but I don't know what she does.

She's Miss Bookworm.

Is that show still on? Yeah.

What is she, like, 50?

You know how if you see somebody in a certain light

you feel like you can tell

everything about them, you know?

See, I was kind of holding her hair,

and I saw her, and she was fantastic.

Pardon me.

What?

What? Say it.

When was the last time you were single?

Grade 8.

Seriously.

Grade 8.

Well...

to put it delicately,

don't you think it's time--

since you're a grownup--

that you should try living single

and maybe discovering something about yourself?

Look, I didn't want to meet anybody right now.

Honestly, I-- that's not--

no? So where'd you meet her?

In a bar.

OK, so you met her in a bar,

you don't know her name, but she's fantastic.

I know. It sounds stupid.

I know it does, but it's true.

All right, Andrew, what do you want to do?

I don't know. I feel like I should...

send her something.

Roses.

What?

Send her some roses.

I don't know. I was...

See, I was thinking about maybe sending her

some licorice

and a funny note about her blood sugar.

No, honey, no.

See, I just thought...

I thought assholes sent roses.

Yes. This, I know.

But, so, you're saying it's, like, kitsch?

That's it's so bad it's good?

No. Actually, it's quite romantic.

Just because, traditionally, over the years,

assholes have sent roses

doesn't mean a nice gentleman like yourself

can't send a fine lady a rose.

Yeah, but, see...

to me, it's like hitting on a waitress, though,

you know? It's so obvious.

You shouldn't do it, you know?

But you know what?

Waitresses get lonely, too.

Waitresses need love, too.

Trust me. I'm a lifestyle editor.

Now, who are they?

"Take your child to work" day.

Ah.

Your idea?

Yeah.

If the cat ate the rat...

If the cat ate the rat...

And the pig wore a wig,

then who was the beast that got lost in the fog?

I don't know.

If he's bigger than a hen,

can't fly like a wren,

then he must be a...

A lion. A mouse.

A dog. Very good.

Very good. Let's all set our bookmarks

until next time, when we'll say...

I feel the need to read.

I love Miss Bookworm

Clear.

I love Miss Bookworm

Uh, Lorna,

if you ever need to talk about anything,

I'm here, OK?

Thanks.

You made it.

Uhh. I'm going home,. I'm going home,

and I'm going to fry up all the bacon

that will fit in a pan, and I'm going to collapse.

What precisely did you do last night?

What?

Come on.

What?

I went to a singles bar.

You don't get out much.

They don't call them singles bars anymore.

Just listen. I met a guy,

and I went back to his place.

You slept with him?

No.

I almost puked on it.

Your skin is a disaster.

Thank you.

I cannot believe you.

Are you going out with him again?

You got to be kidding.

If I even see him again, I'll die.

I don't know, you know?

You might want to think about

going out with him again,

or you're going to have to wait, like, 6 months.

Why?

Well, because of the dating chain.

What?

Yeah, the dating chain.

You know, each couple is a part of a link

in the dating chain.

It's like a romantic ecosystem.

When a couple breaks up,

it has a ripple effect

and causes the break-up of 7 other relationships.

That's why it seems like everybody breaks up at once,

because they do.

But then...

there's, like, this week

where everybody recouples.

The chain forms again,

but this time,

it's one link shorter.

That's why it gets harder

to meet people as you get older.

You see?

Yeah. I think so.

Well, the week's over.

You know, he was your chance.

Really?

Yes.

The dating chain is pure science, OK?

I have been studying it for years.

Oh, and don't even think of having an affair.

It'll cause the entire chain to buckle,

and you'll be waiting around forever.

Wow. Who gave you the flowers?

They're for you.

Oh.

Oh, my God, they're from him, aren't they?

Oh.

He was a jerk.

Was he?

I don't know.

Throw them out.

No. I'm not throwing out perfectly good roses.

Well, give them to your girlfriend.

Aw, no way. She'll think

I'm trying to make up for something.

Fine. I'll throw them out.

What's wrong with her?

I think she's afraid.

Is there anything worse than getting burned by a guy

who claims he's not going to burn you

like the last guy did?

People should have to provide you

with romantic with romantic resumes..

She says that I don't understand

She says it's easier

For a man

But she don't know

What's gain' down

Love grows inside you

Like a seed

Upon your heart

It starts to feed

Until it blooms

With shoots of gold

How old's yours?

Mine's 4.

Let me guess--

She's 8.

She's 2.

I guess she's tired.

Yeah.

Maybe a little.

What's her name?

Peanut

Great.

That's a great name.

Peanut

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Will you excuse me? I just have a little poo in this bag,

and I just need to get rid of it.

Come on, Peanut.

We are, we are

We are, we are, we are

We are, we are

We are the We are the supercool

We are, we are

We are, we are, we are

Anything?

No, I haven't found anything.

I'm thinking I wish they put something in the food

so that it glowed in the dark.

Yeah. It might help.

It's an idea.

Dew, where'd you go?

Sweetie?

Where's your poo, baby?

Hurry up! It's starting.

Oh, wait.

You'd kill me with that thing.

Yeah...

But it's all in the line of duty.

Hi, Trevor.

Surprise, surprise.

Hate to interrupt you, but, uh...

well, I figured this was the only chance I'd get

to say good-bye, since it ended so abruptly.

Well, I presume you're not watching this alone.

Hi, Cheryl.

What?

Probably didn't realize he came by my house

and picked up these videos.

We used to watch them, you know,

and now you're watching them.

Hmm.

Strange.

Uh!

You'll soon find out that most of his experiences

are on a loop.

As I did.

This is the restaurant where he first took me

and told me that he loved me.

Well, if he takes you there to the back booth

and orders ouzo,

beware, OK?

I'm just trying to help you out.

Oh, and did he send you an orchid at work

after a few days?

Oh, he's such a romantic.

All right, I'm shutting this off.

No, don't. I want to see it, OK?

I'll return you to your regular programming now.

There she is. Read.

There she is. Read.

Oh, not the classifieds.

Come on. Of course.

Oh, so glamorous. Ooh.

OK.

Ha ha!

Uh..."Energetic, outgoing woman

who likes long walks."

Oh, please.

Why do they always put "long walks"?

I mean, who wants to go on long walks?

I don't even want to go on short walks.

Next. "I'm a man looking for someone...

"to share my life with.

"L can be a loving, faithful companion

"if you'll only let me.

"Only thing is,

"I'm only 5' 1".

Good things come in small packages."

No, they don't.

Oh, and here's the saddest part.

He uses his name, and it's the saddest name

in the whole world.

Owen. Owen.

Oh.

That's the saddest name I've ever heard.

OK, OK, OK. I'll get a better one.

"Single woman.

"If you're into bullshit and head games,

stop reading."

Keep reading.

"If you're one of those insincere,

"roll in the hay, I'll call you later,

"never-call jerk wads,

"mama-boy assholes,

then stop reading."

Keep reading. Keep reading.

Imagine that 5-foot guy...

5' 1".

5' 1" guy reading this and thinking,

"God, I am so perfect for her, but...

I love bullshit and head games."

Uh, Lorna, there's a phone call for you.

Owen.

Ooh, Owen.

Ha ha!

Hello?

Hi.

It's me.

"Me?"

Andy-- from the other night.

I was just calling to make sure

that you got them.

The roses?

I got them.

Good.

Good.

I was just calling to make sure you got them.

How are you doing?

Good.

Good.

Um...

I--I was also going to ask you if--

maybe if you wanted to--

I'm sort of with somebody right now.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll call you back later?

I think I'm OK.

I'm sorry. What does that mean?

Don't call.

OK. Uh...

Well, you've got my number

if you need to get in touch with me,

and, uh, like I said,

I was just calling

to make sure that you got them.

Got 'em.

And you got 'em.

Bye.

Bye.

All the volume

That's in your soul

All the wrong things

You have done wrong

I will take from you

When I come

All mistakes made

In distress

All your unhappiness

Bleak message.

It's me. It's Cheryl.

Um, look,

I have to talk to you about something, OK?

So can you call me as soon as you get this?

If Trevor answers,

just hang up.

Kidding.

How are you?

My arms have always been around you

Sweet bird, although you did not see me

I saw you

Hi, boys and girls in Home Land.

Today, we're going to make something very special.

We're going to make a bunny rabbit.

I really love that little puppet.

Put your hand underneath

and tuck the napkin in between our 2 fingers.

Just like that.

Put one hand up.

Draw a nose and paint his ears.

That's our fun for today.

Hey, Mr. Hey, Mr. Mogley.!!.

HEY-

HEY-

God, whoa. How you doing?

HEY-

HEY-

Hi.

And I realized that...

I was wrong about a lot of stuff,

and you were right.

We made a mistake, Andy.

We have a larger responsibility.

What?

Mr. Mosh!!-.

Oh, yeah.

He's been acting up. He's been chewing stuff.

They almost threw him out of his obedience class.

Mr. Mr. Mogley??

How's How,s what's-his-name doing?-his-name doing?

Good.

The psychiatrist says that he thinks--

Dead eyes has been seeing a psychiatrist?

No.

Mr. Mosh!!-.

Oh.

The guy that teaches the class,

he's also an animal therapist,

and he said that he wants to see you, too.

Me?

To help figure out To help figure out Mogley.!!.

Oh. Aah!

God, I see what you mean.

It's bad.

OK, women,

OK, women,

get ready to burn a hole in your pockets

with bachelor number 39!

Whoa'. Whoa'.!

This is one fireman who puts out fires

and starts them.

Whoa'.!

What's wrong, sad sack?

Can I just-- Can I just hold it?

No. You must pin it on.

I'll pin it on your ass, buddy.

Oh, thanks, Jeff. Thank you.

I cannot believe

I let you guys talk me into this.

I cannot believe what a whining ingrate you are.

All you have to do is have one dinner

with whomever purchases you.

It'll be a whole lot of fun.

Well, not fun, really.

Actually, I think fun's an overrated word.

That's a great idea for a piece. Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Ah ha ha!

Will you--will you do this, please?

Thanks.

I'd love to, but I can't.

Why?

I'm not a bachelor.

I'm taken.

I'm taken.

That's so sweet.

Nice. That's nice, but--

Hi. It's time.

Good luck, meat.

Whoa'. Whoa'. Whoa'. Whoa'.!

A man with a rose and a hose, huh?

All right, we've had a bit of brawn.

Now let's try a bit of brains.

Number 33 is a writer.

Whoa'.!

Whoa'. Whoa'.!

Yes. Fancy footwork.

All right, what am I bid

for this enigmatic writer?

All right, women.

Writer--think verbs, adverbs,

onomatopoeias.

All right.

Let's start the bidding

at $40, shall we?

Ah...

$40. $40 bid by the woman in the wool coat.

Thank you very much.

$40.

$50!

45.

$45.

100.

$100. Thank you very much.

Sold--$100. Yes!

All right. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

What's going on, What,s going on, Mogley?!!?

OK.

What?

Mogley, out.!!, out.

Wow.

You have to understand

that that Mogley wants to behave.!! wants to behave.

He wants to graduate from dog obedience class...

But you got to realize it's up to you two.

OK, what does that mean?

What that means

is that dogs are not our children.

I mean, sure, we feed them

and we teach them and we clothe them

and we pick up their poop,

but, thankfully,

they'll grow up to be nothing like us,

'cause we can't imprint our worst upon them--

our neediness and our greediness

and our consumptive ferocity.

We give them human names, but they're not human.

They make us more than that.

They make us immortal,

because we will outlive them,

so dogs are not our children.

They're better.

OK.

Can I ask where Can I ask where Mogley's been stayng? been staying?

With me.

With you? Mm-hmm.

And where in the house has he been sleeping?

Near and sometimes on the bed.

On the bed?

Yeah.

And what sort of activity

have you and your new partner been engaging in?

Excuse me, doctor.

That seems like kind of a silly question

to have to ask us.

I thought this--

I think I think Mogley has seen!! has seen

too many long and physically aggressive

sessions of wild sex.

What?

Can I ask where Can I ask where Mogley's been traumatized. been Mogley' been traumatized.? been Mogley' been traumatized.? been Mougley's been traumatized. Mougley's been traumatized. .

That's clear to me.

Cheryl, you have to understand--

Mogley doesn't knew !! doesn't know how very pleasurable

all that stuff can be for you.

He only sees the pushing and the pulling,

and he hears the shrieking,

and he thinks there's trouble.

Now, Andy,

what kind of sexual activity would what kind of sexual activity would Mogley be viewing!! be viewing

if he came to live at your house?

Well, I can tell you

that it's not this kind of wild, out-of-control sex

that has apparently been taking place with Cheryl.

OK.

For me, it's more kind of none.

None.

Or just solo.

Asexual.

But, look, you know, I got to tell you,

I'm Im workin'through some stuff right now' through some stuff right now

on my own, so I'm just on my own so I'm just tryn'to...' to--

Look, I can't help you.

OK.

Mogley, in.!!, in.

OK. �DEW!!-

here's what we think might be fun

if it's OK with you.

You're gonna spend half the time with Cheryl

and half the time with Andy.

What do you think of that?

He'll He'll do it. it.

You know what?

You're dancing just like the video.

Oh.

What video?

Oh. The video for this song.

Have you seen it?

No.

Well, you're dancing just like it.

Oh.

Thank you.

So, let me ask-- anyways--

Sorry. You go, Sorry. You go, you go." Sorry. You go, you go.-

I was just gonna ask you if you have any brothers

or if you have any sisters?

No.

No.

What am I talking about? I have a brother.

Oh.

Who's he?

Uh, what were you gonna ask me?

Why do you think women in porn always wear their shoes?

I hadn't thought about that.

Really?

Maybe it's so their feet don't get cold.

Maybe.

I'd just like to say

that this has been a lot of fun,

and I'm very flattered that you chose me,

but I think we should get going.

Do you want to go back to your place?

What?

Well, you want the home-bed advantage, right?

I'm sorry, what?

You want the home-bed advantage, right?

Oh. Ha.

Citizen,

you've got work to do.

Ow. Ooh.

Ow. Easy.

�Hm!

Ow.

Uhh. Ow.. I'm going home,. I'm going home,. Ow.

Uhh. Ow.. I'm going home,. I'm going home,. Ow.

He said, "I'll love you"

"Till I die"

She told him, "you'll forget in time"

Good morning, Princess.

Oh, hi.

Do you think that there's daily horoscopes

for dogs?

What?

Well, this morning when I woke up,

Lily was acting kinda...

persnickety,

so I looked up what would be her horoscope,

and it said that she was, in fact,

having an off day.

Maybe, maybe.

Oh. How'd it go last night?

Oh, I, uh... I got ninja-fucked.

So that's "The Piano"

and "Like Water for Chocolate."

Yes.

Oh, right.

You still have late charges on "Passion Fish."

Yeah, I'm gonna watch it again.

I can tell you're under

a lot of change and stress right now.

Really?

You're having trouble sleeping.

Yeah.

How'd you know?

Your hair.

My hair?

I mean, it's beautiful. Maybe a little brittle,

but that's probably from your diet,

or maybe it's from--

forgive me for saying--

what's happening in your heart.

And what's happening in my heart?

Not enough.

I'm sorry. I say what's on my mind too much.

I'm stupid.

I'm Callum. Bye.

I'm Lorna.

Bye, Callum.

Hey, you want to go out with me sometime?

Uh...

OK.

Cool.

Get your Kong! Go get it! Go get it!

Go on!

Good arm.

Thanks.

Which one's yours?

Mogley.!!-

Oh.

He's a happy boy.

Yeah, he sure is.

And you are?

I'm...with Poppy.

Oh. And your name?

You see, at the dog park, it's just the dogs' names.

That's weird.

Mogley, get your Kong. Get your Kong.!!, get your Kong. Get your Kong.

Mogley.!!-

Hey, did you bring your walking shoes?

Yeah. Yeah.

So, what do you want to do tonight?

We're doing it.

Right now. We're in it.

Hey, you want to groove to my Hey, you want to groove to my hackey-sack vibe?-sack vibe?

I'm not--I'm not very good at that, I don't think.

Or we could go to a bookstore and look at the magazines.

Or we could eat.

My treat.

See, that's not gonna work for me.

If I let you buy me dinner, then you might feel

like you're entitled to have sex with me.

Um, I--I wouldn't, really.

I don't know.

Um, then why don't you buy me a meal?

See, that's not gonna work for me, either.

For political reasons.

No, I, uh... I got no money.

Then, um...

just let me buy you dinner.

OK.

OK.

Great, great.

I'm gonna go to my truck first.

Can I help you?

Um, table for two, please.

I'll wash up. I'll be right out.

You know, sometimes I feel like

I just can't get clean enough.

Why do I have the feeling that this is gonna end up

on a daytime talk show

with one of us wearing a fake beard?

I don't know.

Why are you so pessimistic?

I mean, I have this theory

about why people meet when they meet,

and you and I, we met for a reason.

You picked me up in a video store, Callum.

Have you noticed lately that people

are going nuts about Angels again?

I mean, for a while,

people just forgot about them,

but there's a whole lot of...

I don't know,

gentleness going on around here.

Uhh.. I'm going home,. I'm going home,.

Hey, great new web page there, Mr. Chong.

Kooky stuff.

What up?

I don't know. What do you want to do?

Do you want to have sex first,

or do you want to eat first?

I don't care. What do you want to do?

We could have sex first, if you want.

Let's have sex.

OK.

Yeah.

But are you hungry?

Well...

I could eat.

Or we could have sex first.

OK, why don't... I get on top of you,

and then we'll go out for some noodles?

Is that good?

Or we could go out for a real quick burger,

and then we come back here,

and I can get on top of you.

You know, first.

Whatever, honey.

You know what?

We should have sex first.

OK.

OK, well, it's settled.

It's settled.

Go away, stain!

Go away, stain!

Go away, stains!

Go away, stain!

Now...

let's bring back that average grandmother

who had that unfortunate tomato stain

on her lovely blouse,

and let's see how "Go Away, Stain" did.

Hi, it's me--Callum.

Look, uh, I just wanted to thank you for dinner.

I had a really nice time.

You want to play scratch?

I don't know where to start.

I know that we really didn't hit it off.

It's my fault.

I know I'm weird, and I can feel myself getting weirder,

and it feels like there's nothing I can do about it,

but...

Lorna, I can still see things.

And there's something special about you, Lorna,

but you won't let yourself see it.

I know it's not me,

but, Lorna, you got to let love in.

You've got to let yourself melt,

and if you do, then one day you'll find him,

and when you do, you know what?

You'll rest.

I'm Callum. Bye.

I don't know what to do. I mean...

He just gets farther and farther away

from me, you know?

And I feel this kind of weird panic

creeping up on me, and I just...

I don't know, I just become this thing, you know?

OK, so what is it about OK, so what is it about Mogley!!

That makes you feel he's becoming distant?

Forget Forgot Mogley, OK?!!, OK?

I'm talking about Trevor here.

I don't know.

It's like he's becoming this stranger, you know?

Well, are you getting enough exercise?

I'm sorry, I don't know what to say to a person.

That's another thing.

Sex has completely stopped.

I'm sure you're happy about that, huh?

Uh, no, I--

And what sex there is,

it's like totally routine, you know?

It's like left hand, right breast,

clockwise, 1, 2, 3, spit on the hand--

hey, Cheryl-- what?

That-that's enough.

Please, I'm only interested in how this altered activity

has affected has affected Mogley.!!.

Oh, Can I ask where Can I ask where Oh, Oh, Mogley's seen plenty of activity.'s seen plenty of activity. been Oh, Oh, Mogley's seen plenty of activity.'s seen plenty of activity.? been Oh, Mogley's seen plenty of activity.' been traumatized.? seen plenty of activity.

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Andy?

Yeah?

L--I... I've been seeng someone. been seeing someone.

Oh.

He's been, uh, pumping a nutritionist

who bought him at an auction.

Cheryl! It's true!

Cheryl, I think that maybe Cheryl, I think that maybe Mogley should, uh...!! should, uh...

go outside.

Mogley, out.!!, out.

Hi. Hi!

Oh. Oh, do you like that?

Say "yes, Lorna, I like that."

Yes. You're such a good dog.

Lorna?

I--I thought it was Mr. Johnson.

Ha.

Hi.

Hi. How-- how's your neck?

Is it all...

It's good.

That's Peanut.

Hi, Peanut. How are you?

Peanut?

Um...

I want to apologize about the-about the flowers.

I'd like to apologize to you.

I'm very sorry.

I shouldn't have sent you those flowers.

Shouldn't have sent them? Why?

Well, maybe a run around the park would help you.

Oh. Lorna, uh, just a minute.

Yeah. Take your time.

Lorna?

Cheryl.

You guys--you guys know each other?

She's...Lorna.

She's... she's that Lorna?

You're Trevor's Lorna?

Trevor.

So do your dogs know each other?

Uh, yeah, they do.

We're related by a betrayal.

I didn't betray you, Andy.

I told you.

I had a hurricane going on in me.

OK. We're related by a hurricane.

You know, I--I saw you the other day

at the dog park.

You did?

Why didn't you say hi?

He was probably with He want probably with Keiran..

So you're seeing someone, huh?

Yeah, you know, just like you, kind of.

Lorna, this is Peanut's time.

Hi, this is Andy.

Hi, this is Andy and He want probably with He want probably with Hi, this it Andy and Keiran....

We're not home right now, but if you leave a message,

we will get back to you. Ciao.

Hi, sweets. Hi.

How are you?

Oh, I'm OK.

What are you What are you doin'?'?

I'm trying to decide

what to wear tomorrow night.

I'm excited, and I'm nervous.

I mean to the machine.

Oh, I was just changing it.

Why?

So when people call...

You're mad.

No. I'm not mad at all.

It's just that, you know...

Yeah, I guess lam kind of mad.

Like maybe I should have asked you first?

I thought you'd be pleased.

Well, I'm not.

Oh.

Well, ahem...

we could have sex,

and I could make it up to you.

Us have sex?

That's a rare idea.

Um...

Well, fine, I'll just change it back.

All we do is have sex.

And I got the feeling that if someday I can't,

you know, or won't have sex,

that you'll kill me.

Honest to God.

I feel like you'll actually kill me.

I thought you liked me.

I do.

All we do is have sex,

and I got the feeling that if someday I can't,

you know, or won't have sex, that you'll kill me.

Pretty funny message,

I I guess..

It's Cheryl.

Can you call me as soon as you get this?

Oops.

OK.

Class, sit.

Good, good.

All right, we're gonna practice some of the skills

that we're gonna need to graduate from class

this weekend, so let's get started with that.

And now I'd like the owners to call their dogs over

on my cue.

And 3, 2, 1. Call, please.

Come.

Peanut, come.

Peanut, come.

Peanut, come.

Peanut, come.

Come on, Peanut. Come.

Come on. Come!

Peanut, come.

Lorna...

look, your dog doesn't graduate

just because you paid the money for the class, you know.

I know. She's been doing this lately.

Well, ahem.

I don't normally like to do this,

but try working with this.

It's like doggy crack cocaine.

They go insane for it.

OK, and again, please, Lorna.

Come, Peanut.

This all looks so good.

It does, it really does. What are you gonna get?

I thought maybe you and I

could split a couple of things.

Or we can get a whole bunch of things for the table.

How does that sound?

I would love to, but, um, I don't eat most things.

She's vegan.

So, I've been trying to figure something out.

What's that?

Why do women in porn always wear their shoes?

Andy thinks it's so that they don't get cold feet.

Just an idea.

I don't know, Digger,

maybe you should do a piece on that.

That is a fabulous idea. Thank you.

Hi. You folks ready to order?

Yeah. What's good here?

The booze.

Drinks. What a brilliant idea.

I'll have a lager and lime, please.

Uh, I'll have a glass of Uh, I'll have a glass of cabernet..

I'd like a lager as well.

And you?

What do you think?

A vodka martini and a glass of ice water.

Right.

Wow.

Wow. Good trick.

It's not a trick actually.

Um, would you mind terribly if we moved tables?

Oh, sure. ls it drafty?

No. The waiter is my ex-boyfriend.

Of course.

Uh...

There's another one of my Exes over there,

so, um...

Yeah, let's just, uh, stay put, then.

What? What?

I didn't choose the restaurant.

What are the odds of running into 2 ex-boyfriends

in the same place?

I don't know. 50-50?

Oh, look.

There's another one of the men I've had.

I'm kidding.

Andy didn't tell you I have a great sense of humor.

I have-l have a great sense of humor.

I'm sorry. You can't smoke here.

Why don't you fuck off, Derrick?

Uh, I'm gonna go call work,

if that's OK.

Ahem. Excuse me.

I'm gonna go to the bar and have a cigarette.

I don't know.

She just doesn't seem vegan to me.

That whole porn thing

is just 'cause she's uncomfortable.

Really, she's just...

she seems like a great girl.

She is.

Honestly. But what are you doing with her?

I did the whole auction

as a favor to you, all right? So...

And are you dating her as a favor to her?

She picked me, all right?

And...right now, honestly, I--I don't feel like being--

alone.

So what'd you think of them?

Who? Jeff and Jeri.

Didn't you think they were a good couple?

Yeah, you're right. She is great.

What'd you think of Jeff?

He's having an affair.

What?

He's having an affair.

Well...why would you say that?

I mean, what makes you think that?

The way he played with the phone cord

at the restaurant.

That's it? That's what you're going on?

Mm-hmm.

He stroked the phone cord very sensually,

and then he laughed.

You don't do that when you're calling work

from a restaurant.

Believe me.

If there's one thing I know, it's men.

He's having an affair.

Right? He's having an affair.

Yeah. Right.

An affair.

Hi. Uh, it's Jeff.

Pick it up if you're there.

Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

I'm at this lame thing.

I wish I was there.

I would rather be there in bed with you.

Maybe I'll just come over in the morning

and crawl in.

So don't wash. I want you dirty.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Hello?

No, I'm not asleep.

No, you did not wake me.

Why are you calling at...

Oh, it's only 11:32, and that's OK.

You.

Who is it?

Andy-

No, you didn't wake me.

What do you want?

Hey, buddy.

Where's your stuff? Put it on.

I'd just like to know if it's true.

Is what true? What's up?

Are you having an affair?

No. Of course I'm not having an affair.

So you're not sleeping with another woman?

No.

OK, who'd you call last night

at the restaurant?

I was calling a friend.

A friend?

'Cause last night you said you were calling work.

I think I said I was calling a work friend, wasn't I?

Who?

A friend from work... buddy.

So you're having an affair.

Why don't you just say it?

Look up at those people.

If that was the last thing

you're gonna see before you died,

would you say you'd had enough?

Had enough of what?

Everything-

Seen enough, done enough,

had all those crazy nights

you'd promise yourself you were gonna have.

Like that cool little instant

when you look at the eyelashes

of a woman you hardly know

or you smell her hair.

Or that piece of flesh behind her knee,

and you follow it.

And if that's evil, I'm evil.

Has Jeri heard this philosophy?

Shut up!

You shut up.

You know what, Jeff? You're wrong.

Yeah. 'Cause it's not about the other flesh.

It's about being with the same woman night after night

and cuddling with her till you wear a spot on her back,

getting to know her, watching her change,

and watching how it changes you.

Who are you? You've been with all these women.

You're like a pathetic little climber.

Climber? What?

You won't let go with one hand

till you have something else in your other hand.

What's the longest you've been single?

4 days? 4 hours?

Just 'cause I don't have it

doesn't mean I don't know what it is.

You're never single, you were never married.

Don't stand there and talk to me about forever.

What do you want?

Lorna.

Lorna? Who's Lorna?

Listen, uh, Jeri, I need to talk to you.

Sure.

Last night, uh, at the restaurant--

you love Jeff, don't you?

Of course I do.

OK. Well, listen, last night with He want probably with He want probably with Ok. Well, listen, last night with Keiran.....--

You know what? I am so sorry.

I woke up feeling so guilty this morning.

I think I was rude. I was trying to be funny--

No, it's not that. What I'm--

Hello.

Hi, baby.

Yeah, I'm just sitting here with Andy.

It's Jeff.

OK.

All right, then you pick up the girls,

and I'll meet you at the dog park.

Bye.

That was weird. He sounded a bit somber.

I think he's nervous about graduation.

I know I am just on the--

You know, I feel like I can't sit still today.

Do you think dogs get nervous?

Listen, Jeri...

you know what?

I think I know where you're going with this.

Don't...don't compare your relationships

to Jeff's and mine.

You know what?

We're just really, really lucky. OK?

Uhh.. I'm going home,. I'm going home,.

Uhh.. I'm going home,. I'm going home,.

Well?

I don't know.

Look, if you have nothing else to say,

we should just be brave

and put our house up for sale, OK?

What?

Our home. We should put it up for sale.

Whoa.

I know I said it's our home,

but it's my house,

and I ain't and I ain't sellin'it.' it.

Is that all you have to say?

Would you scratch my back?

Hi.

Hi. I'm up here.

Hi there.

Happy anniversary.

What?

This is or will be...

the 50th time that we've made love.

So...

happy anniversary.

Will you turn the music off, please?

Look, um...

I really like you...

but we need to break up, I think.

Why?

'Cause I've been going from...

thing to thing for a long time.

Yeah, but you're with me now, so what's wrong with that?

Oh, I shouldn't be, I don't think.

Why?

I like you very much, but it's not enough.

You're not her, and I'm not him.

You know? I think we both know that.

Yeah, but isn't being together better than nothing?

No.

All right, we're clear.

All right, we're clear.

Very nice job you did.

Very good helper worm.

Good luck in your soccer, OK?

I have to talk to you guys, OK?

OK.

I know what it is. You're going to a network.

You have a network show, right?

Of--of course not, no.

You're joining the Army?

No, no. It's good news.

I'm--l'm... I�m getting married. getting married.

Veronica and I are getting married.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

How pregnant is she?

Rachel.

I'm just being candid.

She's not pregnant.

Then why are you getting married?

Well, because, uh, I love her,

and, uh, we're gonna spend

the rest of our lives together.

Oh, God, you're what, 19?

You guys are gonna change.

We'll change together.

But 53% of all marriages end up in divorce.

Rachel. Rachel.

Well, ours won't.

How do you know?

Because we know.

What was that all about?

What?

I'm just trying to be helpful.

Trying to be helpful, Rachel?

Let me ask you this-- what did you do last night?

Watched TV with Peanut. Why?

You watched TV with your dog?

What are you doing?

You know, you're beautiful.

You're the funniest woman I know.

You should get out more.

No, you should. You're watching TV with your dog.

It's just an expression.

Fine. Why didn't you go out with that guy

from the video store again?

Callum, the eye-contact freak?

He had a futon. I just don't think

it was a match made in heaven, OK?

The guy that sent you flowers.

Why didn't you go out with him again?

Maybe I should have,

but he's seeing someone now anyway.

I told you.

You missed your chance. In the dating chain--

There is no such thing as the dating chain, Rachel.

Oh, really? Well, when it's on the cover

of "Time" magazine like melatonin,

you'll go, "Oh, the dating chain.

I knew about that for ages."

The dating chain is something you've created

to make sense of your loneliness, Rachel.

I'm seeing someone!

What?

I'm...

Im, um..., um...

eating off the menu.

What are you talking about?

I'm seeing someone who's practically married.

How'd it happen?

He backed into me,

and we exchanged information...

And the next thing I knew...

It's OK. Come here.

Come here.

It's OK.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I need to see I need to see Mogley, OK?!!, OK?

I miss him so much.

Mogley!!!

Oh! Baby! Hi!

Oh, you look so sad. You look so sad.

What's in your box?

Oh, it's just some stuff for Oh, it,s just some stuff for Mogley.!!.

Panties?

Are those-- yeah, God.

It's just some of my clothes, Andy.

I know he misses my smell.

You want to come stay here?

Oh, my God.

I just..

Realized for the first time that...

I know what I want now.

But you left me in the dust.

This...

is for you.

Oh.

It's a card.

I made it myself.

Yeah, I've seen this card before.

What?

I mean, it's a little different,

but I've seen this card before.

I think the angels used to be blue,

and now they're gold,

but the border is the same.

You've given me this card before,

and I don't need it, Cheryl.

But I know what I want now.

Didn't you once give me

an "I know what I want now" card, too?

An "I know what I want now" card, too?

Fine.

Look, are we gonna take Look, are we gonna take Mogley to this dog grad thing or what?!! to this dog grad thing or what?

Oh, yeah.

Are you gonna see that through?

Yes.

You know...

I probably shouldn't drive.

The tears in my eyes are blinding me.

Now... Don't.

Hello?

Stop me before I cut my hair again.

No, don't do it.

You want to do You want to do somethin'?'?

Nah.

"You're the funniest girl I know."

You should get out more.

Oh, no, you have got to shut up.

Come on. Throw on some clothes.

I need a date.

Peanut's graduating...

I hope.

If drinking don't kill me

her memory will..

Come on.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Tour bus runs down Broadway

There's nobody you would know

In all the storefront windows

I see my face

And the lame expression

I'm just average Joe

Looks like a good turnout.

Yeah.

Well, bombs away.

I'm a I'm a walkin'disaster' disaster

Be careful now.

Thank you. Good luck, good luck.

Test. Test.

Good. Can everyone hear me?

OK.

All right, uh, we're gonna get started in a minute.

Uh, so if they haven't already done so,

our handlers are gonna be taking...

I'm gonna take him up.

Your dogs from you to bring them on the walk of pride

so that we can all honor our little canine friends

for the hard work that they've done.

Would you like a nice sample?

What?

Would you like a nice Macro-Bone sample

for your dog?

What are you doing?

Oh, let's just say

somebody's with Team Macro-Bone now.

Who is this?

Rachel, this is Callum.

The eye-contact freak.

Oh.

I heard that.

Jeri. It's her.

Who?

Her. Lorna.

Although they might seem simple to us...

Pretty. Pretty.

Imagine what it's like to be a dog.

I'm back.

You know, we look forward to this day

with the combination of excitement and regret.

As I was saying to my wife just this morning,

the more we teach them, the more we love them,

and the quicker they leave us.

So, let's get started.

Um, as our dog students receive their diplomas,

I'd like to invite all the owners

to come up on stage

and, uh, welcome

their new dog obedient school graduates.

So without any further ado, let's get started,

and our first dog graduate is Monty.

Monty.

So very proud.

Here we are.

Shit.

What?

It's him.

Who?

The guy I've been seeing.

Oh, my God. You're not gonna believe this.

What?

He's my rose sender.

What?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go over and kill him.

Just be calm, all right?

Our next dog is Our next dog is Mogley.!!.

Uh, sadly, Uh, sadly, Mogley is a co-custody.!! is a co-custody.

Mogley.!!-

Very handsome.

He took a little while to learn how to sit,

but, uh... I love you, boy.

Congratulations to Congratulations to Mogley.!!.

I knew not to trust him.

I was right.

But look how nice he looks.

He?

Yeah. Andy, the guy you've been seeing.

No, I'm not seeing Andy, I'm seeing Jeff.

Really?

Oh.

Yeah.

Our next dog is Peanut.

Peanut

Oops!

Uh, uh...

Oh, all right. Well, sit there, fine.

Uh, our next dogs are Dew and Lily.

I'm gonna stay here and videotape.

Really? Yeah.

OK. OK.

Dew and Lily

normally are an inseparable pair of boxer dogs,

but let's bring them out one at a time,

so they can each have their moment of glory

in the sunshine.

Uh, here's Dew.

Here she is.

Dew.

All right, Dew, we've, uh, uh...

uh...what--

Dew, we've rehearsed this a few times.

Let's...let's, um, not...

OK. She must smell my dog on me.

I'm confused.

Which dog is yours again?

He's brown, and he barks.

What's going on?

I don't-- I don't know.

What?

Oh, my God.

That is the reason you've been taking the girls

That is the reason you've been taking the girls

on so many walks recently?

No. I can explain.

Really, honey? Can you? Great! Explain.

'Cause I'm just gonna have to presume the worst here.

I'm gonna have to presume that you blew it

because I'm so great and you're lucky to have me.

Could we get back on track, please?

There are many understandably anxious dogs back there.

Come on, Digger.

Don't. Do not "Come on, Digger" me.

I really screwed up.

If I could have seen your face like this,

I never would have done it.

But I made one horrible mistake,

and I love you so much.

God.

Let's get married.

I'm not saying this just 'cause of this.

I've been thinking about this

for a long time.

Let's get married.

I thought we were.

All right, everyone else just come up

and get their diplomas, OK?

I don't even know why I bother.

It is so not your fault, OK?

It's a little her fault.

Hi.

Hi.

How long did you know?

I just found out, OK? So don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

I thought if I just kept moving forward

and being in love

that we'd be protected.

What could have protected us?

Nothing.

Great.

I kept one.

One of what?

I kept one of the roses.

Why?

Just couldn't throw it out.

See, I have this problem with romance.

I--I don't know. I just don't trust it.

I never got a chance to thank you.

You're welcome.

And by the way,

I liked you holding my hair, too.

Were you just asking me out,

or was I asking you out?

I think you were asking me out.

So will you go out with me?

Uh...

I can't.

What?

I've had too many people in my life for too long,

and it's like I keep rebounding

from some relationship back in high school

that I don't really even remember,

but, uh...

I'd like to go out with you in...100 days?

100 days?

Yeah. And listen, uh,

I--I won't go out with anyone,

and I won't think about anyone,

and I won't even be naked for a hundred days.

That way, when I come back,

I can come to you clean, you know?

OK.

OK.

OK, today's the 7th, so I guess on...

december 15th will you go out with me? 15th will you go out with me?

That sounds great.

How--how about at 8:00?

8:8:00's not real good for me. How's 7:00? not real good for me. How's 7:00?

It's a date.

OK.

I'll wait.

HEY-

Hi. Hi.

Well, they graduated.

All right.

I'm gonna walk you to the car, OK?

I'm gonna walk her to the car.

Bye. Nice to meet you.

You know it only breaks my heart

To see you standing in the dark

I feel like I'm at the end of a prison movie.

You're getting out, and I still have to serve my time.

Oh. Honey.

Who am I gonna watch TV with over the phone?

Me.

Oh, yeah, it won't be the same,

'cause Andy will be beside you.

Well, maybe.

HEY-

Look, it's Owen.

Ha. Ohh.

And you said the dating chain

didn't exist.

You were right, once again.

Cheryl.

Let me ride you home, honey.

I don't have a home anymore, do I?

Come on, sweetie, I'll let you ride in front.

I think we can all learn something

from our dignified canine friend!

You're not piercing your navel!

These tears are turning me to rust

I know

You're waiting there for me

To come back

I'm too afraid to show

It's coming over you

Like it's coming over me

I'm I'm crashin'like a tidal wave' like a tidal wave

That drags me out to sea

And I want to be with you

If you want to be with me

I'm I'm crashin'like a tidal wave' like a tidal wave

I don't want to be

Stranded

Stranded

Stranded

Stranded

Stranded

Stranded

Stranded

Hi.

Hi.

Would you do me a favor?

Yeah.

Will you crack my neck?

I'm stranded

Stranded

I love you

Stranded

So come back

I'm not afraid to show

R's cumin' over you

Like it's cumin' over me

Crashin' like a tidal wave' like a tidal wave

That drags me out to sea

I want to be with you

If you want to be with me

I'm I'm crashin'like a tidal wave' like a tidal wave

I don't want to be

Stranded

Stranded

Stranded

Stranded

Stranded

So, baby, go mad

I've

Waited long enough

For the sun to rise

Living here in the heart of the city

It's hard to see the sky

I'm.

Gonna keep my head up

I'm getting into life

Oh, Oh

What you What you doin'to me?' to me?

Open up my eyes

Oh, Oh

Make it easy to see

Take me by surprise

You

Ride on green-blue water

Sliding on a wave

I

Like the way you move me

Glide across the days

If you are what you are

Then who am I?

Oh, Oh

What you What you doin'to me?' to me?

Open up my eyes

Oh, Oh

Make it easy to see

Give me one more time

Oh, Oh

What you What you doin'to me?' to me?

Open up my eyes

Oh, Oh

Make it easy to see

Giving in to life

Captioning made possible by New Line Home Entertainment

Captioned by the National Captioning Institute --Caption by the National CAptioning Institute---www.ncicp.org---.ncicap.org--