All language subtitles for Maude s05e23 The Household Feud

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She
didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to angel
that she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.
That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizer. Right on, Maud.

Ah, Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm glad you got the
vacuum out. This rug could certainly

stand a good cleaning.

Oh, it certainly could.

But don't worry, when I finish with my
apartment, I'll let you use it.

Thank you.

Wait a minute, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Do you realize that today is your third
anniversary as our housekeeper? Oh, yes,

ma 'am. And because it is your
anniversary, I think you should take the

off. Oh, you mean I don't have to work
tonight?

That's right.

Because Walter and I are taking you and
Bert out to dinner.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma 'am. We can't make it.
I've made other plans.

How could you have made other plans?

I just this moment gave you the evening
off.

You see, it worked out perfectly.

I made plans and you gave me the night
off.

They say life's complicated.

Well, if you've made other plans...

Wait a moment. You are up to something,
Mrs. Naugatuck.

Yes, you are.

You want to vacuum your apartment.

You don't want to go out to dinner. I
bet you are planning something very

special for all of us in your apartment
tonight. No, Mum.

Come on, now. Mrs.

Naugatuck, you have a secret.

You know how I know?

There's a little something in your eye.

That's dust.

Well, this carpet certainly could use a
good cleaning.

Hello? Who?

Davy Jones Liquor Locker?

A keg of beer? No, nobody here ordered a
keg of beer. Oh, I did.

Hello, Davy.

Yes, that's right. A big keg.

Yes, and I want a mixed case of scotch,
vodka and bourbon, about five bags of

ice, a couple of cans of mixed nuts,
potato chips, pretzels and a pound of...

peanut brittle.

Oh, and a tube of polygrip.

Yes, that's right, dear. The apartment
above the garage.

Yes. Thank you, Davy. And as my Irish
husband always says, may the wind

be at your back.

Well, how should I know what that means?

I'm English.

You are giving a party for us.

A party?

Whatever gave you that idea?

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. You are
surprising us all with a party. Mrs.

Finlay, why must you be so nosy?

Mrs. Nogatuck, please don't call me
nosy. You know I don't like that.

Well, you're spoiling everything.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. I'm sorry. I
shouldn't have guessed.

You wanted to tell me yourself.

I'll tell you what we'll do. Forget
everything we just said.

You tell me about the party and I'll be
surprised.

Mr. Finlay, I'm not a child. Oh, please,
please. I really mean it. I will be

surprised. You'll see. Go ahead. Tell me
you're having a party tonight. I'm

having a party tonight.

A party?

Tonight? Well, that's wonderful.

Oh, I am so surprised.

Wait. You haven't heard the real
surprise.

What's that?

You're not invited.

What's the matter, Maud?

It's Mrs. Naugatuck. She's having a
party.

That's great.

Are we invited? No.

And you know, for some reason or other,
she's being so secretive about it. Do

you know that she actually called me
nosy?

Mrs. Naugatuck called you nosy? That's
right.

Let me tell you something, Maud. What?
You got off cheap.

Honey, sit down. Sit down.

Sweetheart, do you remember that very
famous story about wise King Solomon?

You know, the one where the two women
came to him with an infant and each

claimed to be the child's mother? You
know, so King Solomon said, cut the baby

in half and divide it. Well, one of the
women said that she thought it was fair,

but the other one said, no, no. She
said, I'll give up the baby to save its

life. That was when wise King Solomon
knew who the infant's real mother was.

Well, of course I remember that story,
but what's it got to do with my calling

you nosy?

Nothing, but the urge to cut you in half
has happened.

I was just

kidding, Wood. You're not nosy. Thank
you. Hey, look!

A letter for Bert from his brother in
Ireland.

Oh, I'll take it up to him.

Do you wonder who's coming to that
party? I have no idea.

Aren't you curious?

Of course I am a little, but Mrs.
Naugatuck has already accused me of

I'm just staying out of it. Good. I do
know one thing, though.

They ordered over $100 worth of liquor.

Over $100 worth?

Do you think her budget can take the
strain?

Never mind her budget. I'd worry about
her liver.

Well, thanks so much for helping out,
Carol. I really appreciate it. Oh, I

mind, Bert.

Somehow hanging crepe paper always
reminds me of my very first date.

I know what you mean.

I've dated a few crepe hangers myself.

Oh,

Mrs. Finley, come in.

Mel's not here.

Oh, well, that's all right, Bert. I just
came up to give you this letter.

Oh, thank you.

That's from my brother in Ireland.

Well, I'll read it on the way to the
liquor store.

Mel forgot to order the beef jerky. The
Harmans have been invited.

What makes you think that? Well, didn't
you hear Bert say they're serving beef

jerky? I mean, Arthur and Viv are the
only friends they have who have their

teeth.

Carol, why are you here?

I'm just helping out. Well, I'll tell
you, it's none of my business. I'm going

back to the house. Will you look at all
this food?

Carol, this must be costing them a
fortune.

I know. I think they spent too much
money.

You know, Carol...

Walter and I were going to take Mrs.
Naugatuck and Bert out to dinner

And since we can't do it, I would like
to make a little gesture. Now, I don't

want a word out of you to them about it.

Will you look at this? The number I want
is right here on the telephone.

Right under emergency.

Police, fire, Davy Jones Liquor Locker.

Hello? Davy?

Yeah, Mrs. Findlay.

Yes. Davy, do you remember that rather
large order that Mrs. Naugatuck placed

just a little while ago?

Yeah, I'd like you to put it on my
charge.

It's already on my charge.

Thank you, Davies.

Well, I don't think we have to worry
about their budget.

Oh, Mother, I'm sure they're just using
your charge and they'll pay you back.

I suppose so. Anyway, I'd better get out
of here before Mrs. Naugatuck accuses

me of snooping.

Carol? Carol, do you know what that is?

That is Mrs.

Naugatuck's most prized possession. That
is the urn with the ashes of her late

husband, Cyril. I'd better get it out of
here and put it in a safe place

before... Oh, my God.

Look what you've done. Cyril's all over
the floor.

Get a broom. Get a dustpan. Sweep them
together.

Where's the broom? In the broom closet.

Where's the broom closet? Don't be...
stupid. There's no broom closet up here.

Put your bicycle away.

I'm expecting a delivery.

Oh my God, she's here.

I mean, it's one thing not to clean my
apartment. It's quite a different thing

not to clean your own. I mean,
particularly when you're having a party.

do think that looks so much better. You
know, they say cleanliness is next to

godliness. Come along, Carol. Oh, Carol,
don't forget the wastebasket.

Have a wonderful evening.

What we need is something to hold these
pieces together.

I think Arthur has some airplane glue.

Why would Arthur have airplane glue?

He's a doctor.

Of course.

I'll hurry.

Sorry, Cyril.

Mrs. Finlay, have you seen Cyril?

Cyril who?

you've left the apartment. I looked
round for him and he'd gone.

Did the two of you have a fight?

Wait a minute.

This is a piece of Cyril's urn.

You broke Cyril's urn. No, Mrs.
Naugatuck, it was an accident. I promise

I'll glue the urn back together. It'll
be as good as new.

What about Cyril? What have you done
with him?

He's fine. He's resting comfortably.

That's Cyril.

This is Hoover, see?

It's Phil.

His worst fear was being sucked up by a
vacuum cleaner.

Please, Mrs.

Naugatuck. Oh, you put my Cyril in here
with all the dust and dirt from your

garbage. Don't be silly. You just
changed the bag yourself. Believe me,

all alone in there.

I missed him on his deathbed, as I'd
never let him leave that urn. Look, Mrs.

Naugatuck, I promise, I'll glue the urn
back together, but until then, look, how

about putting Cyril in this nice pickle
jar?

I mean, it's very roomy, and you can see
him, and he can see you.

I wouldn't put my Cyril in that pickle
jar. Getting pickled is what killed him.

How about a coffee can?

When I came into my apartment, why
didn't you tell me what you'd done? Mrs.

Nogatuck, I didn't want to upset you,
particularly after we had that argument

and you called me nosy.

No right to go messing about in my
apartment.

I was not messing about.

Well, what do you call this, recycling,
Cyril?

Well, that's... That's the thanks I get
for trying to be helpful. I only wanted

to move the urn so that your drunken
friends wouldn't knock it over. Don't

call my friends drunken.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but they still
could have knocked it over accidentally.

At least my friends are drunken.

What excuse have you got?

What do you want me to say? I'm clumsy?

Yes.

I'm clumsy.

And careless.

And careless.

And tall.

Mrs. Naugatuck, aren't you getting a
little personal?

You're a huge woman.

You're the hugest woman I've ever seen.

Now, Mrs.

Naugatuck, I promised I would glue that
urn back together or replace it. Now, I

have really had it with this childish
temper tantrum. Now, look. Look, here.

Here. Here's an oatmeal crock. It has
been in my family for generations.

Empty it and put Cyril inside here, and
I don't want to hear another damn word.

There's your crock.

You did that deliberately.

Remember, that's just oatmeal on the
floor. How would you feel if that was

Finlay?

Mrs. Naugatuck, I demand that you
apologize immediately.

Apologize my ashes.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you're fired.

I quit.

Good. Today is your third anniversary,
and that's a perfect gift for me, having

you leave.

Come on, Cyril. She's seen the last of
us around here.

And I'll leave you with the old Irish
blessing.

May the road come up to meet your face.

to pick Cyril's earth.

Oh, my gosh.

Look at Cyril. He's white as a ghost.

Vivian, this is oatmeal.

You mean when people are cremated, they
turn into oatmeal?

Vivian, I don't need this.

Of course I don't look well. I haven't
been this upset in years.

Why, what's the matter?

It's Mrs. Naugatuck. Vivian, you cannot
believe the thing she called me.

Why? Why, why, why, why, why?

To begin with, she called me nosy.

She called you nosy?

Oh, my gosh, that's so thoughtless.

That's like going up to a dwarf and
saying, you're a dwarf.

Nosy's a dwarf. You don't have to tell
it.

And what if he's a nosy dwarf?

You'd certainly never tell him that.

I mean, you might tell him he's nosy, or
you might tell him he's a dwarf, but

you would never, never tell him he's a
nosy dwarf.

So count your blessings, Maude. You're
nosy, but you're not a dwarf.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Viv. I lost my
head.

It's just that it's been such a trying
day, and it's all because of that damn

party. What party?

Come on now, Vivian. I know that Mrs.
Naugatuck and Bert are having a party,

you and Arthur are invited.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Have it your own way. No, I swear. I
don't know anything about any party.

Well, anyway, if it hadn't been for the
party, I wouldn't have broken the urn.

And then I had words with Mrs.

Naugatuck, and I fired her.

You fired Mrs.

Naugatuck? I never want to see her
again. I hope that doesn't mean she's

to call up a party. I'm bringing a
potato salad.

Honey,

do you remember that famous story about
Wise King Simon?

Never mind, never mind.

Just take all that stuff up to the
apartment, Davey. Thank you.

Oh, Mrs. Harmon.

Hi, Bert.

Mrs. Finley, where's Mel?

Bert, I might as well tell you.

Mrs. Naugatuck and I had words, and I
fired her.

Oh, my.

Well, maybe it's all for the best under
the circumstances. I mean, after the

news I got.

What news?

This letter from Ireland.

You see, all these years, my kid brother
Danny's been looking after Mother.

But now Danny Boy has reached the
marrying age.

He'll be 57 next week.

So he wants to leave Ireland for the
land of opportunity.

Oh, he's coming here.

Oh, no.

West Germany.

Anyway. Somebody has to take care of
Mom. After all, she's 96 years old, and

she's starting to slow up a bit.

I mean, Danny says it's getting tougher
every day for Mom to ride her bike to

work.

Wait a minute, Bert.

You mean that you and Mrs. Naugatuck are
going to move to Ireland?

That's right.

You see, I told Nell we'd have to go
someday, and she agreed.

But now that the time's come, I was
worried about breaking it to her.

I mean, oh, she loves you.

And she'd hate to leave.

But thank you, Mrs. Finley. You've made
it so much easier for me by kicking her

out.

See, everything worked out.

Don't you feel better now?

What, Maude? What's wrong?

Oh, Viv.

I'm never going to see Mrs. Naugatuck
again.

But you just said you never wanted to
see her again.

That was before I knew I was never going
to see her again.

Vivian, don't you know anything?

No.

I can't let her leave this way. I love
her.

Maude, wait a minute. Now, I'm confused.

It's better that way.

Are you really serious, love?

I've had it, Bert.

This time I'm quitting for good.

Well, if that's what you want, Nell,
there's something I have to tell you.

You see, I got a letter from me brother,
and...

Mrs. Nagata. What do you want here?

I came to make up.

I'll go get some ice. No, I'll get it.

You stay here and see what this woman
wants.

I'll be back in a minute.

I'm not interested in making up with
you.

I'm going into the bathroom. Mrs.
Nogatuck, I really think under the

circumstances, I really think we should
make up. And I don't care what you say,

I'm going to stay here until we do.

Mrs. Finley, it's too late.

You've buttered your bread and now you
can lie on it.

Mrs. Nogatuck, that doesn't make any
sense at all.

That's your trouble. You're so flipping
tall, you don't understand plain

English.

Why are you behaving like this? Didn't
Bert tell you you're leaving?

Of course I'm leaving.

I couldn't stand to stay here another
moment with you.

That's why I quit.

Well, technically speaking, I fired you,
but that... You did not. I quit.

But the point is that you and Bert are
going to Ireland to take care of his

mother. Yeah, well, that suits me fine.

You didn't know.

Bert got a letter from his brother
today.

You're really leaving me.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm going to miss
you.

Oh, Mom, I don't want to leave you.

We've had such a wonderful friendship
ever since the moment I came into your

house.

Do you remember that first day?

Oh, I'll never forget that first day. We
became so close so quickly. It

was like magic.

You're very opinionated.

You're the one who's opinionated. That's
your opinion.

You're entitled to my opinion.

I'm entitled to my opinion.

That's your opinion.

It's a good thing you're bigger than I
am.

It's a good thing you're smaller, feisty
old biddy.

Rusty old broad.

Look, why don't you just come out and
say you're sorry?

No, why should I? Why don't you?

Well, because... Rusty old broad.

Rusty old biddy.

If you get the door, I'll...

Including Cyril.

Welcome aboard, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Don't worry, Dux. I'll have her eating
out of my hand in no time.

I hope he made the right decision.

Don't worry, Carol. I'll have her eating
out of my hand in no time.

Feisty. Busty.

Why did I think we had such a wonderful
relationship?

We did have a wonderful relationship
because we enjoyed our battles so much.

That's true.

Together we've known the thrill of
victory and the agony of defeat.

True that.

My thrill, your agony.

Oh, I hope we're not too early.

Oh, Maude. You were invited to the
party, weren't you?

What makes you think I'm going to a
party?

That's my surgical hat.

Who were you operating on, Guy Lombardo?

Look, guess what?

This party is for you.

You're kidding.

No, Mom, look at the cake.

Three happy years. Nell Nogatuck and
Maude Finley.

Oh, Mrs.

Nogatuck.

That's why I didn't want to tell you
about the party. Oh, Mom, you've been so

good to me.

I've always felt like one of the family.

We're just like sisters.

Could you make that mother and daughter?

Whatever you say, mother.

You know, Mrs. Nogatuck, I'm going to
miss

you.

But I think you're going to be very
happy. I hear Ireland is a beautiful,

beautiful country.

Ireland.

Beautiful Ireland.

If you ever go across the sea to
Ireland, maybe at the closing of the

shut up, Bert.

You can sit and watch the moon rise over
London and see the sun go

down...