Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's one rider now.

You tricked me, Maude Finley. Oh, Arthur, what do you mean I tricked you?

not trick you. Yes, you did. If I had known that this mental health center

you're planning was not going to charge any money, I never would have offered to

bring Avery Potter over here this evening.

You have put me in a very embarrassing position.

Oh, come on, Arthur. A free mental health clinic is probably the most

cause I've ever tried to raise funds for.

And a philanthropist like Avery Potter will be delighted to contribute money.

I mean, how can you object, Arthur? Don't you believe in mental health?

Well, of course I do.

Up to a point.

You believe in mental health up to a point. That's right. If people can't

to pay for mental health, they have no business going crazy.

That's not what I meant.

Well, I promise to deliver Avery Potter, and I'll do it. I'll go and pick him

up.

But he's a conservative, Marty. I don't think he'll go for a free clinic.

Arthur, why would anyone be against a free clinic? Because it's not fair to

doctors.

With the cost of college, medical school, internship, residency, a doctor

invest over $100 ,000 in his training.

Do you know how long it takes him to earn that money back?

About a year and a half.

That's about right.

I'm on my way, Mood.

I've got to pick up that scale model of the mental health center before Mr.

Potter gets here. Just a minute, honey, just a minute.

Walter, you're not going to wear that tie, are you?

What's the matter with my tie?

It's a very expensive tie, Maud. Look, it's got Oleg Cassini's name written all

over it.

Walter, my cousin Marshall is going to be here any minute. Take off the tie.

Maud.

Walter, Marshall is a very well -known lecturer and writer. Now, I have not

him in a long time, and you have never even met him. I don't want him to think

that my husband sells vacation property on TV.

You're ashamed of me, Mort. That's why you invited your intellectual cousin

Marshall in the first place. You think he's going to impress Mr. Potter and I

won't. True.

Oh, come on, honey. Now, Marshall is a very well -known expert on popular

culture. I mean, he's written countless articles on America's need for heroes.

Heroes. Heroes.

Now, Mr. Potter, being a self -made man, is bound to be impressed by someone

like that.

You think Marshall is better than me?

Honey, come on. You're comparing apples and oranges.

I mean, Marshall is a well -known historian, lecturer, and a brilliant

and you are an orange.

Okay, Ward, I'm going to pick up that scale model, but I'm not going to change

my tie.

Oleg and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Hello. Oh, Walter.

What a spiffy tie.

Thank you, Vivian.

Oleg...

What's he running for?

Um, Maude, is your cousin Marshall here yet? Oh, no, he should be here any

minute. Oh, and Arthur is picking up Mr. Potter.

Oh, well, here are those cards I typed up for your presentation for Mr. Potter.

Thank you, Vivian. You're so sweet. Oh, listen. Did I tell you that because of

all the work I've done, the committee has asked me to pick a name for the

health center?

Really? What are you going to call it? The Maude Findlay Mental Health Center.

I think that's appropriate.

Thank you.

Sure, if they're going to put up a building for crazy people, it's only

they name it after you.

You know something, Viv?

Charity work always brings out the vicious side of you. Yeah.

That's probably Marshall. Now, this is truly a gifted man.

Vivian, you're in for a treat.

Marshall, what happened?

I was dropped off by a street gang.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. Sit down. Sit down.

I got off the bus and they roared up behind me. A motorcycle gang.

Skateboards.

Bunch of punks. Bunch of young punks. You know, maybe we should call the

A gang, you say? How many were there in the gang, Marshall? Two.

A couple of punks, thugs, rowdies. I do not know what is happening to the boys

in this neighborhood.

They were girls.

Some coffee.

No, thank you.

It's society, Maude.

Children are running wild in the streets, and it's because movies and

aren't giving them any real heroes to look up to. That is very true, and you

stated that point brilliantly in last month's Harper's Magazine.

Brilliantly. Oh, I feel better now.

Maude.

You look wonderful.

It's so good seeing you again, Marshal. This is my friend, Vivian Harmon.

Hello, Marshal. My pleasure, Vivian.

No, it's my pleasure.

And you're so kind to come over and help me make this presentation to Avery

Potter. I believe that can do.

You've always been a special cousin, Maude. And you know, Marshall, how very

proud I have always been of you. I really cannot thank you enough for

over here. I assure you I would not be able to raise the money for my mental

health center if you weren't here.

I'm glad.

Is there a place where I can clean up?

Oh, of course, of course. There's a bathroom right at the top of the stairs.

Thank you.

A pleasure to meet you, Vivian. I'm sure this evening is going to be a very... a

very special one.

Poor Marshall. He's so sweet. But you know, he's never been a particularly

strong person.

I could tell. His eyes look as if they've had a lot of sand kicked in

Here's the chips and dip.

Chips and dip, Mrs. Nogatuck? I asked you to make some hors d 'oeuvre.

I'm trying to raise money tonight for a very worthy cause. Why can't you

cooperate? All you do is criticize.

The least you can do is tell me how the living room looks.

Oh, I'm sorry. I am sorry, dear. I should have mentioned it. The living

looks lovely.

I thought so, too. That's why I didn't bother cleaning it.

Everything is going wrong tonight. Everything.

Arthur and Walter are fighting with me. Mrs. Naugatuck refuses to cooperate.

Now, poor Marshall has been roughed up. How are we ever going to pull this off

with Mr. Potter? Ma, don't worry. Now, come on. Come on, let's go over your

note. Uh, you're right, Fred. You're right. Maude, maybe I shouldn't mention

this, but, you know, after I typed those notes up, I was reading them over

and... Well, Ali, you just seem to go on and on and on. You just say the same

thing over and over and over. It's so repetitious.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

You are.

You're right.

Mrs. Nogatuck, that man is my cousin Marshall.

Oh, he stared me stiff in his loony outfit.

What do you mean, loony outfit?

Oh, McKay!

Don't be alarmed, ladies.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Captain Hero.

What

are

you doing?

Marshal, you're mistaken, tall lady.

I am Captain Hero, defender of the weak, champion of the repressed.

My task is to fight those who destroy our nation's security.

Oh. Now, look, Marshal, I do understand, but Mr.

Potter is going to be here any minute.

Remember, you know that we are here to build a mental health clinic, not to

stock it.

I've seen reactions like yours before.

However... Once you have witnessed my superhuman powers, you will agree I am

telling the truth. Allow me to demonstrate.

With my high -power X -ray vision, I find it difficult to see in small rooms.

You're really serious, aren't you?

Captain Hero is always serious.

But, Marshal, don't you understand? Mr. Potter is coming over tonight. He's

coming over here to talk to me about giving me money for my mental health

center.

That's very good.

I know a lot of people who can benefit from a mental health center.

Excuse me.

Marshal, what are you doing?

I'm about to demonstrate the killing powers of this finger.

The tree in front of your house, there's a man behind it. There is.

Easy!

Not so fast, curly -haired lady.

That's a dangerous man.

But I don't see anyone behind that tree.

Of course you don't. You don't have X -ray vision.

There's a man behind that tree.

Gosh, I hope it wasn't Mr.

Greenblatt. I like him.

Silence! Maude, I'm scared.

Don't worry, neighbor lady, as long as I have the safety catch on my finger.

I'll worry until he has a net over his head.

Maude, please.

Vivian.

I'm sure that Captain Hero is not here to harm us. I'm here to defend you.

Evil forces are at work out there, and I want you to all do exactly as you're

told.

Maud, I want to go home. I think he's dangerous.

Oh, come on, Vivian.

He is not dangerous.

He looks dangerous.

Vivian, believe me, he is completely harmless.

But, but, but... Please keep your voice down. His finger might go off.

I sense the approach of the enemy.

The deadly Brussonians.

The Brussonians?

Yes. Creatures from the planet Bruce.

I'd better secure the doors.

Rusonians have one weakness. They cannot walk through locked doors.

Captain Hero, perhaps you could help me secure the kitchen.

The kitchen. A capital idea.

Rusonians are also known for their cooking.

I want to talk to you.

Marshal, I must talk to you. Marshal!

You must have me confused with that mild -mannered Professor Marshall Keebler, a

nice enough fellow, but let's face it, he's no Captain Hero.

Marshall is ineffectual, powerless, a pipsqueak.

Nevertheless, I like Marshall very much, just the way he is, and I wish he were

here right now. Could you help me bring him back, please?

Oh, what good would it be?

He couldn't even defend himself against two girls on skateboards.

I would have creamed them.

Our captain here, a martial darling. You need help. Can't you see that?

Yes, I know. I need help badly.

But Wonder Woman is in Miami Beach this week.

Juan, is anyone here?

With your permission, Captain.

I'll secure the back door.

Oh, will you look at this, boy? Don't you think they did a wonderful job?

Walter, thank God you're back.

We have a problem here. Walter, you've got to get that man out of here.

I think a banana dropped off his tree.

What are you talking about?

Stand right where you are or you're a dead Brussonian.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, Captain Hero, it's all right. This is my husband.

I'll be the judge of that.

Oh, look, Cassini.

I'm sorry, Mr. Cassini.

I didn't recognize you.

Nice tie.

Thank you, Captain.

You know, for a minute, I thought this guy was crazy.

You better put this away. No need for it. Now, it might go off by mistake.

The finger goes off?

Yes.

Uh, Captain Hero, tell me, do Broussonians ever make themselves

Only the lazy ones. Why?

Well, I think I saw an invisible Broussonian up in the bedroom this

This is a job for Captain Hero!

Wait here.

Maud, I know this is none of my business, but who was that masked man?

Oh, Walter, that's my cousin, Marshall.

That's Marshall?

That's the brilliant, intellectual, dignified cousin Marshall, and you were

worried about my tie?

Please, Walter, this is no laughing matter.

Now, we have to do something about him before Mr. Potter gets here. Well, let's

call an ambulance. They ought to take him away.

I can't. He's my cousin.

This is a very delicate situation, and it has to be handled delicately.

Mr. Potter is going to be here any minute. Mrs. Naugatuck.

Mrs. Naugatuck, go upstairs, get Marshall, and then take him into the

no!

Mrs. Naugatuck, my entire mental health center is at stake. Don't you realize we

have a millionaire coming over here, Mrs. Naugatuck? A millionaire!

Why can't I take him in the den?

All secure upstairs. No invisible Brussonians.

I'm afraid you're letting your imagination run away with you.

Fine, gray lady.

Listen,

Captain Hero, we have a serious problem.

And again, the television set.

We have reason to believe that deadly rays are emanating from the television

set. We're also having trouble with our horizontal hold.

Mrs. Naugatuck, please go in there and keep him occupied.

I don't want to.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I am ordering you.

Nothing, watch television, anything.

Very well, middle -aged fat lady.

Fire her like that if I didn't know her money.

Oh, gosh, she's such a brilliant mind.

How could this happen?

That's probably Arthur with Mr. Potter.

Oh, Vivian, keep your fingers crossed.

folks, everybody's favorite millionaire.

This is Walter Finley. Mr. Potter. Finley.

Of course, you know my wife, Vivian. Hello again.

And this is Maude Finley. How do you do, Mr. Potter?

Keep your hand over your wallet, Avery. We just walked into a room full of

thieves and Democrats.

You're being redundant, Arthur.

Well, I've done my little duty. I'll be toddling along.

Avery's in a very good mood. He just read about a cutback in the food stamp

program.

Now, Mrs. Finley, I've read all the literature you sent me on the mental

clinic. I'd like to get this over with just as quickly as possible. Oh, of

course, of course. You have another engagement.

No, but there's an all -star football game on TV at 9 o 'clock. I have to

it. Well, this will only take a moment. I just have a very few notes here.

There is a desperate need in Tuckahoe for a modern, well -equipped, well

-staffed mental health center.

People shouldn't feel the need to keep a member of the family hidden away.

They shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed.

Instead, they should place them upside down on a meat rack in a moderate oven.

That's one of my recipe cards.

Now, Mrs.

Finley, there's no need for this lengthy presentation.

Let's get down to basics. Now, how much money do you need?

Well, with the contributions we have already received, we are shy about $100

,000. $100 ,000? Yes, but, Mr. Potter, think of the marvelous facility your

money will be paying for.

Of course, you know it's going to be a lot bigger than that.

Well, it's very nice. Isn't it, isn't it? Mrs. Ridley, please.

Your cousin Marshall is watching the six million dollar man and it's having a

very bad effect on him.

Just keep him in the den a little while longer.

Well, I am impressed, Mrs. Ridley. Very impressed. Thank you. Do you realize

what this center would mean to a city like Tuckahoe? I mean, your money will

going to possibly one of the greatest, greatest...

from planet Ruth.

Their temple has been destroyed.

Captain Hero has done his job and now he must rest.

Now, Mr. Potter, picture if you will.

50 beds.

Wait a minute.

Is this a joke? Is this all a joke?

I'm sorry, Mr. Potter. I'm very sorry. That man, that man is my cousin,

Keebler. We had no idea of his condition or we never would have asked him over

today. Vivian, we better see if Mr. Nogatuck needs any help.

What is wrong with him? No, I don't know. I think he's trying to live out a

fantasy. He's not willing to face reality.

Don't you realize, Mr. Potter, that he is exactly the kind of person who could

be helped by this center?

I don't approve of fantasies.

I'll admit that Marshall overdoes it, but Mr.

Potter, don't we all have fantasies? I mean, look at people who play with

citizen band radios and pretend they're truck drivers.

And, you know, is Marshall really so different from a group of grown -up men

I've heard about? I know you're not going to believe this. There are

grown men who sit in front of a television set watching a football game

a football helmet.

What's wrong with that?

Walter and Martha went into the bathroom. I think Martha's taking off as

Hero. Well, I think I'd better be going. Mr.

Potter, what about the mental health center? I will let you know. No, but

you understand how much your contribution... Mr. Finley, I will let

Good evening.

Wait,

Maude, I'll go out and talk to him. Don't blame yourself for mentioning the

football helmet.

Listen, you ought to see what Arthur puts on to watch Charlie's Angels.

I blew it, I blew it, I blew it.

Finlay, Marshall would like an aspirin. I'm sorry I dozed off like that, Maude.

Is Mr. Potter here yet? Marshall, are you all right?

Of course, except for this headache.

Poor man, he doesn't remember a thing.

Poor man, he doesn't remember a thing.

Why don't I take you upstairs, Marshall?

I think you could do with a nice rest.

From all that flying, he's probably got jet lag.

Watch that step.

Walter? I'll be out in a minute, Maude.

Walter, Mr.

Potter's gone, and I don't think we're going to get that contribution.

Oh, that's too bad. I'm sorry.

I'm going to call Marshall's family. They should know about this.

Maude, I just had a nice little chat with Mr. Potter, and I think we've come

with something.

Oh, Mr. Potter, you mean you're still interested in this center? Well,

Where's your cousin? Oh, he's upstairs. He won't be down again. Good. He makes

me nervous.

Now, Mrs. Finley, if you can deliver on the promise Mrs. Harmon made, I will

give you your money.

Well, of course, Mr. Potter, of course. Anything, anything. What did you promise

Viv? Well, Mr.

Potter didn't quite like the name that you'd picked out for the clinic, so I

promised him that if he'd give us $100 ,000, you'd come up with a better name.

But, Vivian, what could possibly be a better name than the Maude Findlay

Health Center?

The Avery Potter Mental Health Center. I like that!

Good, I'll write out that check.

There's just one condition. Yes.

Not one word about the football helmet.

Mr. Potter, I just can't thank you enough. Not now, Walter. I mean, you

idea what... Please, Walter!

what the city of Tuckahoe will do.