Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And don't forget now, the movie tonight is my treat.

I'm celebrating my new job. That's right. You know, Walter sold his first

Toyota today.

Oh, does that mean we have to go see a Japanese movie?

Some of these X -rated movies are absolutely scandalous.

I wouldn't be caught dead in one.

How about this one, Arthur? You like westerns. Painted Desert Pervert.

Here it is.

Here's what I want to see.

Grizzly Leroy. Oh, come on, Walter. Be serious.

I am serious, Walter. I saw the ad on TV. It's supposed to be great.

What's it about?

It's about a man named Leroy who lives in a mountain cabin with a grizzly bear.

You mean a man and a grizzly bear live in the same cabin? How could that

Well, when the bear decided to move in, there wasn't much Leroy could do about

it.

You know what I want to see? There's a Charles Bronson festival on at the

Somerset. And here, tonight's double feature is Death Wish and Mr. Majestic.

Wow. Death Wish. Is that the one where Charles Bronson goes around killing

muggers? That's right.

Ooh. Why would he do that?

Well, because they raped his daughter and murdered his wife.

Ooh.

What do they do in Mr. Majestic?

They take his stereo.

refuse to see any movie that encourages people to take the law in their own

hands. And you shouldn't see it either, Arthur. I mean, you're already

hysterical just because there have been a few burglaries in the neighborhood.

I'm not hysterical, Maude. I just think we ought to take a few common sense

precautions, like forming a citizen's patrol.

Armed with guns.

There's nothing wrong with guns in the hands of people who know how to use

Maude. Like me.

I was in the army. These hands were trained to kill.

I thought you learned that in medical school.

with Mort, Arthur.

We don't need guns. They only lead to trouble. Now, come on, everybody. Stop

arguing. I want to go see Grizzly Leroy. Me, too.

I guess I don't mind seeing Grizzly Leroy. Now, just a minute. Now, how

me? Nobody even knows what I want to see.

What's the difference, Mort? You're outnumbered three to one.

Well, you three go on without me. Oh, Mort. No, no, no. It's all right, honey.

don't want to spoil your good time. And you know something? I'm really kind of

looking forward to an evening at home alone watching television.

Oh.

I want you to go to the movies with us.

Look, I refuse to sit through Grizzly Leroy. Now, what kind of a movie is that

for adults?

I mean, it doesn't even feature a big -name bear.

I really enjoyed that movie. I didn't know that bears could be so personable.

I liked the part where they first met. There he was with his leg caught in the

bear trap and he's grunting and snorting.

Yeah? Leroy was lucky that bear came along and let him out.

Well, that's funny. Ward left the door unlocked. I'll just go and get the

lights.

What?

What?

What?

What? What?

Are you all right?

Did you see them? Did you see what they looked like? I'll never forgive myself.

Look at this. Walter.

I'm not going to leave you alone like this. Walter. The face was unprotected.

Walter. What?

Tell me.

Say it.

What is it?

Untie me.

The police will be right over.

Oh.

Marty, are you all right?

How are you?

Maude. Maude, are you all right? Say something.

Oh, I feel terrible.

Get her a chair.

Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Maude, did they hurt you?

No.

Maude, did they... You know?

Did they abuse you?

No. You sure?

I was here, Vivian.

What is it, Marty?

What did they do?

They came into my house.

My house. My house. They came into my house.

Arthur, get her a chair.

Oh, it was terrible.

I mean, these two men came in and gagged me and tied me up and then took

everything from our house.

Our home.

Our sanctuary. Oh, my poor Mort.

If it had been a fire or a flood or a tornado, I wouldn't have felt so

I wouldn't have had this awful feeling of violation.

I knew it.

Morty, let me get you a sedative. No, I'm all right. Just get me a chair.

Oh, it was such a shock.

Listen, Walter, don't you think we should get in touch with our insurance

Chick Sears. I know him. I'll call him. Thanks, Arthur.

Oh, this makes me furious.

I mean, a couple of punks come into my house and tie up my wife.

How do you suppose they got in? I don't know, Vivian. I was sitting in a chair,

and the next thing I knew, I was being tied up and gagged. You didn't hear them

come in?

No. You see, I had just sat down and turned on television to watch the

and to kneel and...

I couldn't have been asleep more than two minutes when it happened.

It must have been awful.

It was.

Their special guests were Donnie and Marie Osmond.

Finale resident?

Oh, officer, thank God you're here. Now you have to help us. Please do

something. Okay, okay, take it easy, take it easy.

I'm Officer Lopez.

Oh, I'm Maud Findlay, my husband Walter, our neighbors, Dr. and Mrs. Harmon.

Carry on.

It was simply terrible. Two men came in here and just cleaned out our old house.

How did you get here so quickly?

I was around the corner when I got the call.

I'll go make some coffee.

Oh, tell me, could you describe these two men, lady?

Not really. You see, they had stockings over their faces, but the shorter one

probably had a weak chin.

How could you tell? That he was wearing suppos.

Ah, I'm sorry, I can't make any coffee. They took the stove.

What are you writing?

A stove.

Hey, do you know, I can't figure it out.

How did they get all that stuff out of here?

They backed a van up to our front door.

That could be a clue, Maud.

Maybe they were with a moving company.

No, I don't think so. They work too fast.

Well, where were your neighbors?

Didn't they see anything?

Yes, they saw Grizzly Leroy.

Okay, look, I'll turn this over to the detectives, and I'll have them check out

the van. Oh, thank you, officer. Hey, but don't expect too much. It's probably

stolen. Wait a minute.

Two men come into the house, steal everything, tie up my wife, and the cops

can't do anything?

You people never learn, do you?

Learn what?

Well, you blame the police, but you don't do anything to protect yourselves.

What are you talking about?

You got a burglar alarm?

No. Of course not. And what about iron bars for your windows?

I mean, they're so expensive.

And is it too expensive to put triple locks on your doors?

We thought about that.

You know, I bet you don't even have an attack dog.

I guess we're very careless people.

Don't blame yourselves.

Que sera, sera.

Whatever that means.

Well, Marty, maybe you'll listen to me now.

This neighborhood needs a well -armed citizens patrol and quick.

Please, Arthur, I don't want to hear another word about citizens patrols and

guns. I mean, particularly not after all I've been through.

Oh, Walter.

Oh, Walter.

Our break front.

What about it?

That's where I kept things that had sentimental value to me.

Carol's baby pictures were in there.

Oh, how am I going to replace Carol's baby pictures? Oh, there, there, Maude.

You can just take another one.

Arthur, I think we ought to go now. Yeah, I think you're right.

I'll get it.

Hi, Chick. Here's Chick. Hello, Doc. Oh, Vivian.

Maude, look.

Chick's in his jammies. He got out of bed to come over.

Oh, Chick, thanks so much for coming over. Well, good night, folks. You've

business to talk about.

Now, what's all this about a robbery?

Why don't you sit down on the sofa and we'll tell you all about it.

Oh, boy. They really cleaned you out, didn't they?

Well, don't worry. It's not so bad.

Sure would. We could buy all new furniture.

I mean, won't that be fun?

That would be nice.

That's the spirit. And I can have a check to you by the end of the week.

Terrific. That's wonderful.

Now, that sofa, you bought that when you were married, right?

That's right.

For $600.

Well, I want you to know that you're going to get at least $60 for that sofa

alone.

$60? How can we get only $60 for a $600 sofa?

Well, we have to figure in our annual depreciation. But don't sneer at that

I guarantee you it's a lot more than those trucks will be able to get for

sofa.

Guess he really took those guys for a ride.

That's the spirit.

Now, Chick, just a minute.

We're talking about a whole house full of furniture.

How much money are we going to get to replace all that?

Well, this is just a ballpark figure. Now, don't hold me to this, but it's

to be...

Well over $1 ,800.

$1 ,800 for an entire house full of furniture?

You're upset. I know how you feel.

You're probably just kicking yourselves because you don't have an attack dog.

Oh, Chick, I promise you next time you come, we'll have an attack dog.

That's the spirit.

Boy, that does it.

I'm going to help Arthur form a citizen's patrol.

Walter, not with guns. Yes, Ward, with guns.

Thieves just walked into my house and robbed me blind.

Look, I am upset with Chick, too.

I'm not talking about Chick. I'm talking about those other crooks.

I mean, I'm going over to Arthur. A man can only take so much. Look, look, now

you're excited. Walter, let me get you a glass of milk.

That'll calm you down, and then we can discuss this whole thing rationally.

They took the refrigerator.

Walter.

right over there.

Uh, thank you, dear. Now, look, would you give me a hand?

Well, I think the living room is really shaping up.

Shaping up? We should put a sign outside, Looters Welcome.

But you know what's really important?

The way all the neighbors just pitched in and donated furniture.

You know, look at this, Carol.

Carol.

It's a collector's item.

From the estate of the late Bela Lagovi.

Imagine what they would have given a neighbor they liked.

Where's Walter?

He's over at Arthur's house. They're having a meeting to discuss forming a

citizen's patrol.

Oh, they're not really going through with that. I'm afraid so.

Mother, I don't know how you keep your spirits up.

I mean, first you go through the ordeal of the robbery, and then you have to

watch the neighborhood men running around playing vigilante.

Oh. You know, Carol, when I was a little girl, my mother told me two things

about men that are really true. And the first one is that all men are

essentially little boys.

But, Mother, they're going to carry guns.

They're not acting like little boys.

Those men are just plain dumb.

That's the second thing my mother told me.

operating table.

Vivian, what am I going to do with it? I thought you could use it for a dining

room table. You could have a stand -up dinner for six.

Or a lie -down dinner for one.

Oh, look at that old television set. Oh, it's got one of those magnifying

bubbles on the front and everything. Who gave that to you? I don't know. Who

did, Carol?

I don't know either.

Just came with a note signed anonymous.

I guess I'm not as well -liked as I thought.

Well, I'll see you later.

Philip and I are taking Mrs. Nogatuck to the movies.

I hope you're not taking Philip to see Gridley Leroy.

There's something basically unhealthy about a relationship between a man and a

bear.

No, we're going to see that new Disney film, The Lamb Who Kicked Field Goals

the Lions.

You know, Maude, you've never really told me any details about your robbers.

Well, Viv, I... I really don't like to talk

about it. But did they, you know...

Did

they abuse you?

No, Viv. Oh, Ma, now come on. You can tell me the truth.

Didn't they abuse you? No, Viv. Are you sure? I am sure.

Not anywhere?

Well... Yes?

The big one.

Yes?

When he put me in the chair and he gagged me and tied me up.

I think he fixed that crick in my neck.

Oh,

Vivian, there you are. I need you at home to help prepare refreshments for

Citizens Committee patrol.

Come on, Ward, huh?

Why don't you change your mind and come to the meeting?

You could help, too.

I refuse to have anything to do with a group that carries guns.

Maude, let's get this straight once and for all.

Guns are necessary.

Criminals are carrying guns.

Don't you think that innocent victims should have the same right?

And besides, under the Constitution, every American has the right to bear

That's only for the purpose of forming a militia.

Well, that's exactly what we're doing, forming a militia.

Criminals will stay out of this neighborhood once they know that we're

will I.

Now, if it were up to me, all guns would be outlawed.

Outlawed guns?

Surely you jest.

our independence from the British with guns.

We settled the West with guns.

Where would this country be if it wasn't for guns?

One thing, Abraham Lincoln would still be alive.

Well, you have to take the bad with the good.

Oh, but how can you even think about carrying guns, Arthur? Walter told me

when you two were in the army, you shot yourself in the foot.

That is a lie.

That's not what I told you, Mort. He shot me in the foot.

Well, it kept you from going overseas.

Kept you from going overseas, too.

Once and for all, I refuse to have anything to do with your Mickey Mouse

militia.

Arthur, is that what you're going to call your patrol? The Mickey Mouse

Maude, how could you take this so lightly? Three days ago, we were robbed.

Please come to the meeting.

Taking it lightly, Walter, this is a matter for the police. All right,

let's forget about Maude. Come on, Vivian, it's time to start the meeting.

go on. I'll be right there. I want to talk to Maude for a minute.

Maude, listen, you've just got to come to this meeting tonight.

Oh, not me, Viv. Maude, you're the only one who might convince them not to carry

guns. Maude, guns scare me. I don't want Arthur going around shooting people in

the feet.

Vivian, what could I do?

You could just tell them how you feel.

They'll listen to you.

You've just been through a robbery.

You were bound and gagged. People always listen to someone who's bound and

gagged.

Viv, do you really think I could help? Of course. The neighbors respect you.

Oh, come on, Viv. You can look around this room and tell me the neighbors

respect me.

They respect you.

They just don't like you.

So you really got two choices.

First, you can use the .38 special I just showed you, which the police

But that takes a lot of skill.

So what I suggest is one of these.

12 -gauge pump shotgun with a hot load.

You can drop a guy at 20 yards with one of these.

And the beauty is, even a child can use it.

Excuse me, Maude Findlay.

Pardon me, but aren't you Eddie Hanks from Eddie's Gun and Fun Shop?

That's right, ma 'am.

Well, I have a question.

Isn't it illegal for citizens to carry shotguns around on the street?

Well, it is, and it isn't.

Thank you for clearing that up.

The thing is, it's illegal to carry them on a private patrol, but it's not

illegal if you're going hunting.

So what you do is... You

hang one of these babies on your belt.

Cops think you're a hunter.

Tommy, could you also tie a deer to the fender of your car?

That's good, too.

If they're in season.

Look, ladies and gentlemen, neighbors.

Friends, I would like to say just a few words. Marty, why don't you let Eddie

finish what he has to say?

Arthur, let Maude talk. She's the one who was robbed.

Thank you, Vivian. She's the one who was bound and gagged by two vicious

criminals. Thank you, Vivian. And God knows what else they did to her. All

right, Vivian.

Now, look, Arthur, I'm just going to say my piece, and then I'll leave.

Now, here's what I want to say. If you neighbors want to form a citizen's

to sort of walk the street and check on things, that is one thing, but carrying

guns is quite another.

I mean, we're neighbors. We're friends.

We should help each other. Why, when Walter and I were robbed a few days ago,

you people pitched in and helped, and that's what neighbors are for, not for

shooting and killing.

Now, believe me, no furniture is worth a human life.

Certainly not the furniture that's over in my house.

Thank you.

Uh, Miss Finley?

Just for that, I sure would like my TV set back.

That figures.

Don't listen to her, folks. What does she know? Wait a minute, Arthur.

You know, Maude might be right.

We don't really need guns.

Oh, come on, Walter. Not you too.

Now, there's no need to be afraid of guns.

Look, maybe we could use little .22 pistols like this.

Now, these are safe, aren't they, Eddie?

Sure, they got a special safety catch.

Where's that?

It's right there on the back. Just flip it up. Like this? Yeah.

Good,

I'll tell him.

Goodbye.

Arthur, I just talked to the hospital. You can stop worrying. Dr. Scholl says

Eddie's foot's going to be as good as new.

I feel awful.

Imagine me, a surgeon, a healer, shooting somebody in the foot.

In peacetime.

I guess Maude was right.

Yes, she sure was.

We shouldn't be carrying guns.

At least not until they iron the bugs out of those safety catches.

Isaac, maybe you can carry little knives if it would make you feel better.

No, I'm no good with knives.

Maude was right.

We're neighbors.

We should just...

Look out for each other. Keep our eyes open.

We don't need to carry weapons.

You know, I think you owe Maude an apology.

I do, too.

Come on, let's go over there.

Okay.

I want to be the one to tell Maude what happened.

Because, after all, I was the one that started all the trouble. Yeah, I think

that's a good idea.

With just a few burglaries in the neighborhood, I panicked.

I'll admit it.

I panicked. I forgot, just for a second, for a moment, that this is America.

The safest country in the world. Go to it, Arthur. Right.

I really want to thank you, Officer Lopez, for finding our furniture. We're

looking forward to having it again. Well, that's what we're paid for, Mrs.

Finlay. But, I mean, you were so brave chasing that van down the highway on

motorcycle. Well, yeah.

Danger is our business, ma 'am.

insurance agent asked me to ask you one question now when the van hit the

utility pole the rear doors flew open is that right that's right yes well what

he wants to know is how fast was our sofa going when it hit you