Original subtitles

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right or not?

Well, Mom, I'm on me way.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I'm almost in tears.

I just think Bert is actually going to propose to you tonight.

Oh.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I feel like a mother saying goodbye to her daughter.

That's the first time you've ever admitted your age.

Oh, I may be silly and sentimental, but I'm not above belting you.

How do I look?

Oh, you look lovely.

Just lovely.

But you know, for a special occasion like this, you should have a hat.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, I'd give anything to be there tonight when Bert proposes. You are sure

going to propose?

Oh, yes, ma 'am. My bones tell me that Bert's going to propose, and we'll have

scattered showers clearing by morning.

I've never known your bones to lie.

In fact, I've never known your bones to do anything.

Bert's been dropping hints all week. Oh, tonight's the night, all right. Oh,

it's so exciting.

Look, this is my favorite hat.

Let's see.

Oh, Mrs.

Nogatuck, you look lovely.

Just exquisite.

Oh, I'm so excited for you. So am I. I've made some chicken soup to take with

to warm Bert up. Oh, a good idea.

It must get awfully cold for a night watchman in a cemetery.

soups to warm him up, and I put in a little gin to loosen him up.

Very good idea, little gin.

A little gin, Mrs. Naugatuck, this smells like a chicken martini.

That's right.

I got the recipe from a Jewish alcoholic.

Oh, Mort, we've got problems.

I've been going over the checkbook. Money, money.

This is no time to think of money.

Tonight is a night of love and romance.

Oh, good. Then why don't you run down to the bank and kiss the teller? We're

overdrawn.

Please, tonight Bert is proposing to Mrs.

Naugatuck. Oh, that's right.

How do I look?

Oh, you look wonderful.

But I forget about the hat.

She's right.

She is not right.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, Gail. Oh, hi. Mrs.

Nagata, we just came over to wish you luck tonight.

Thank you, Mrs.

Harmon. Thank you.

You're not going to wear that hat, are you?

That's an old lady's hat.

Arthur, that happens to be my hat.

Oh. Oh.

Well, uh, maybe you got it on backwards.

Much better. Takes 20 years off you.

Oh, well.

If that's going to pop the question, I'd better be popping off.

It just seems that a cemetery is such a spooky place for a man to propose.

Ah, well, Viv, when you're in love, the whole world's a graveyard.

I mustn't be regretting this suit.

Mrs. Morgatuck, you really know all the tricks.

is through his stomach.

Ha -ha! This soup goes straight to the liver.

Ha -ha!

Oh, I must be old. Ha -ha!

Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck. Mrs. Naugatuck.

I just want you to know that I'm as happy for you tonight as I've ever been.

thank you, ma 'am.

Oh, and this is Naugatuck. Yes.

Would you like another round of soup, Bert?

Well, I don't mind if I do.

And now, there's something I wanted to ask you. Yes?

You see, I've been saving up for a special occasion ever since I was 32.

Now I'm 72, and I have enough money, so this is it.

Oh, goodness. How much did you save in all those years?

A thousand dollars.

Now...

Nell, I... What's the matter, Bert?

Just a moment, Nell. I was trying to propose.

I accept.

Bert, that was beautiful.

Nell, I'm a bit confused. It's been 46 years since I proposed to a woman. Now,

is that all there is to it?

Well, you could tell me that I'm exciting.

And you can't sleep at night because you're thinking about me. And I'm the

beautiful woman in the world.

Oh, you'd never buy that.

Try me.

Nell, you are the most beautiful woman in the world.

And I think we should get married as soon as we can. Oh, Bert.

Excuse me, is one of you Bert Beasley?

Oh, you must mean my fiancée. Bert, there's someone here for you.

Yes, I'm Bert Beasley. I'm Gerald Plummer from the Cemetery Accounting

Department. Oh, well, how do you do, Mr. Plummer? Say, we're celebrating.

How would you like a shot of soup?

Oh, thank you. Oh. Mr. Beasley, I stayed late tonight because I wanted to tell

you this in person.

Our records show that you reached the mandatory retirement age of 75 last

Here, just a minute. I'm sorry.

Here's this week's paycheck and two weeks' severance pay.

Your records must be wrong. Bert's only 72.

Oh, love, he's right. I'm 75.

I lied to you about my age because I wanted you to think you were getting a

young stud.

Yes, I'm sorry, but rules are rules.

Uh -huh.

Well, love, we'll have to call off the wedding.

Can't afford to get married now. Oh, don't be silly, Bert. You've got your

social security and a thousand dollars.

Ah, that's not enough to live on.

Well, of course it isn't, but I've got my job.

Oh, no.

No wife of mine is going to work.

I have my pride.

Bert, pride goeth before the fall, and I want to get married before the fall.

So whatever you say, that's what we're going to do. No, that's out of the

question. Look, I don't have a job, so we can't get married until I find

something else. Well, while you're looking for something else...

I may be looking for someone else, too.

Now, wait.

Please try to understand. Look, I want to get married as much as you do. Nobody

wants to get married as much as I do.

You're calling off the wedding and I'm calling off the engagement.

Oh, now.

Now.

Now, Mrs. Naugatuck, you are being childish hiding in the den.

Bert simply wants to talk to you.

Up the Irish.

Oh, maybe I'd better go. Oh, now, come on, you two. Now, come on, sit down. Sit

down, both of you.

Come on, now.

Now, I have an idea that can solve this problem for both of you. Nothing will

solve it for me but a wedding.

How about living together? That, too.

Live together? Oh, no, we can't. That's against my religion.

Well, I'm against your religion, too.

Come on, Bert. Now, you two love each other.

Until you find another job, you can at least enjoy each other's company.

No, that would be wrong.

There'd be nothing wrong at all, Bert. You'd simply be roommates.

Roommates? Sure, Bert. Even the Bible says it's okay.

It does not.

Yes, it does.

In ancient Jerusalem, engaged couples used to live with each other for two or

three years before they got married.

How do you know that, Walter? I read it in Playboy.

if it's good enough for Playboy, it's good enough for me.

Wonderful. Then it's all settled.

I don't think you stay up too late tonight.

Listen, now, I still don't know how we can afford it, because if you move into

my apartment, they'll raise the rent.

Bert, that's my surprise. We're going to let you have the apartment over our

garage. Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, that apartment needs so much work. Do you realize how much it'll cost to

up? Honey, don't worry. We're paying for it.

Now let's go up and leave these two lovebirds alone.

Good night. Good night.

But more.

Robert, it looks like we're going to be roomies.

Now, I'm doing this on one condition.

What's that?

We live together like brother and sister.

Brother and sister?

Until we're legally married, no hanky -panky. Oh, brother.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you know, I'm a little hurt that you haven't invited me up to

your apartment yet.

You and Bert have been up there for three days now, and I'm dying to see how

fixed it up.

Well, at any rate, I gathered up some things for your love now.

Mrs. Naugatuck.

Mrs. Naugatuck, is something wrong?

You've been moping around all day.

Mrs. Naugatuck, if you have a problem, coffee is not the answer.

Oh, all right, be mysterious.

I'm expecting guests in 15 minutes. I have no time for guessing games.

Mrs. Naugatuck, where are the hors d 'oeuvres?

I don't know. I don't have time for guessing games either.

What is the matter with you today? You haven't mopped, you haven't dusted,

you've done nothing but mope around all day.

The commons are due over here in 15 minutes for cocktails. Mrs. Naugatuck

lifted a finger to help.

Mrs. Naugatuck, is that any way to act?

Mother, she's upset.

Well, so am I.

Mrs. Naugatuck, is this any way to show your gratitude?

After all we've done for you and Bert, setting you up in that little love nest

out of the garage? Don't call it a love nest. It's a prison. And it's all your

fault. What?

And it's all your fault, too.

Neither of you care that I'm trapped in that room above that garage with a

beast.

Mrs. Naugatuck, is there some problem with Bert? Yes, for three days he's been

ruthless and cruel.

He's abusing me.

Mrs. Naugatuck, Bert Beasley is a pussycat. He wouldn't lay a hand on you.

Mother, it's obvious Bert isn't being very affectionate to her. Oh, of course.

And here I snapped at her because she didn't help me get ready for the

I'm going to go up and talk to her. I'm coming with you.

Maude, why should we waste all our good scotch on Vivian? She drinks it with Dr.

Pepper.

Please, Walter.

Oh, Walter, while we're gone, whip up some hors d 'oeuvres. What?

I don't know how to whip up any hors d 'oeuvres.

Walter, I'll... Unless anything can be an hors d 'oeuvre.

Like what?

Use your imagination.

I just don't believe it.

I mean, I know she's angry with Bert, but she actually put up a blanket

their beds.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't expect you to hear.

Now, Mrs.

Naugatuck, no matter what Bert's done, you should not have put up that blanket.

How do you know Mrs.

Naugatuck? But I put it up. Because that's what women do.

Bert put it up. Isn't that just like a man?

He put that thing up the first day he moved in.

That's the problem.

I don't understand. Why would he put a blanket up?

He said it was because of my animal desires.

He doesn't want you to have a pet?

blanket, the wall of Jericho.

He got the idea from that movie. It happened one night.

Of course, with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert.

And Roscoe Collins.

Mrs.

Naugatuck, you mean that Bert believes that if that blanket weren't separating

you, the two of you would...

How can I put it delicately? Mess around?

Yes. Well, that's perfectly ridiculous.

Well, it's worked very well so far.

This must be awful for you. Oh, I feel so rejected.

Is it too much to ask for a little tenderness?

Of course not.

Now tell me, have you ever actually asked Bert to take down the blanket? No,

didn't want him to think I was on the make.

I wouldn't worry about that.

Father, I don't think you understand the problem.

Of course I do. The blanket's the problem. Get rid of the blanket and the

problem's solved. Oh, no, Mum. Bert would be furious.

Oh, don't be silly. He loves you.

Everything's going to be all right.

As a matter of fact, I'll tell him myself. Where is he? He's gone to church

pray to St. Joseph for self -control.

St. Joseph is the patron of...

Well, at 75, he should be praying to St. Jude, the patron of lost causes.

Oh, when the saints... She

hasn't got the foggiest.

And I always thought your mother was an intelligent woman.

She is. But she's dumb.

She thinks this whole thing is a joke.

There's not much to laugh about when you're under a cold shower at three o

'clock in the morning.

Mrs. Naugatuck, she treats me the same way.

People in Mother's Generation think we should live by their rules. I know what

you mean.

She's always telling me to act my age. She's always telling me to act my age.

What she really means is that we should both act her age.

Yes, you're so right.

Your generation and my generation understand each other. Now, if we could

get rid of those dummies in the middle.

I mean, it was so sweet. You should have seen that blanket hanging there. And

Bert's going to church to pray for self -control.

Oh, I don't know why.

At that age, it's not a sin. It's a miracle.

what's so funny.

I just talked to Mrs. Nagato. This is very serious for her and Bert. Oh, come

on, Carol. Now, how serious can it be? I mean, I can't imagine the two of them

actually... Just because you can't imagine his mother doesn't mean it isn't

I remember when I first found out the facts of life, I was in the second

and you were married to Chester then.

And I just couldn't imagine the two of you doing that.

No, at that time, we weren't.

You know, Marty, I think Carol has a point.

I have a patient who's 81 years old, and he still has sex three times a week.

That's right. Arthur's trying to cure him.

You see, age has nothing to do with it.

They're in love. I know, Carol, but I can't think of Burt Beasley as being

ablaze with a flame of passion.

I mean, at his age, he's lucky to have a pilot light.

You guys are terrible.

Hey,

Marty, these are great. What are they?

Rice Krispies.

tasty. Hey, Vivian, why don't we ever serve Rice Krispies to our guests?

We never have anybody over that early.

Mrs. Finley, tell Bert I'm not to blame. Tell Bert you did it.

Mrs. Finley, I demand an explanation.

Why... did you take down my blanket? Because it is silly to have a blanket

between you. There's no reason for it. Mr. Finley, how could you let her do

that? In my day, husbands control their wives.

Well, I can't do a thing with her. She's always fooling around with my blanket,

too.

The day I stop fooling around with your blanket is the day you can hang it up.

We don't want to sit here listening to all this intimate detail.

Sure we do.

No, we don't.

Wait, wait, wait. Arthur, please. You're a doctor. Will you please tell Bert he

has nothing to worry about?

Uh, I think he better discuss it with the specialist. I don't have much sex in

my practice.

Or much practice in your... More!

Mrs.

Finley, I want you to order Nell to put that blanket back.

Come on, Bert. Let the wall of Jericho come tumbling down.

If that wall comes down, we'll have to get married right away. I can't be

running to confession every morning.

Are they sweet?

Are they adorable?

We'll have to get married right away. Bert, there's no need to rush into

marriage. You won't be doing anything wrong.

Therefore, we won't.

You just don't know what it's like at night.

Me lying there, listening to this wild, beautiful creature breathing on the

other side of that blanket.

Just a slight nasal condition.

Well, it's more than I can bear.

I lie awake tossing and turning.

I've tried counting sheep, but they all look like Nell in a nightgown.

That's beautiful, Bert.

Well, it's true, love.

It really is beautiful.

I hope I feel that way when I'm your age.

Do you think these two know what I'm talking about?

No.

They think your pilot light's gone out.

They think because of our age, we don't get horny.

I just wish the priest that I go to confession to thought that.

Bert, what?

Well, you see, ma 'am, we never really planned it, but when the landlady was

at Bert's old apartment, sometimes the wind blew the door shut and...

Your age?

Shame on you.

Well, that settles it. You're going to get married right away, right, Walter?

Definitely. Yes. Now, you'll probably want a church service. Then we'll have a

big reception over here as tomorrow too soon.

Mother!

Walter, do you think you can get a discount on New York State champagne?

Oh, but Mrs. Finley, you're trying to run our lives. Oh, not for a minute.

until the wedding, you can move back into your room and Bert can stay over

garage or vice versa. I leave that entirely up to you. Now, just a minute,

Finley. We'll get married, all right? Good.

But we'll get married when we're good and ready and not when a couple of 50

-year -old kids tell us to.

And until then, we will live together.

Right, Nell?

You said it, brother.

Well,

I'll see you later.

Carol, where are you going this time of night?

Andy's apartment.

Weatherman says we're going to have dusty winds tonight.

She's as bad as Mrs. Naugatuck.

Can you believe those two? I mean, this is incredible.

But it is nice to know that we have something more to look forward to than

Social Security.