Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Rear, march.

Two, three, four. Rear, march.

Detail, halt.

About face.

Carol, dear, about face.

Oh, Mrs. Finley.

At ease, men. I'm sorry, Mrs. Finley. No visitors in the armory during the drill

period. But, Colonel Reichert, you told us that we could start our rehearsals

today promptly at 4 o 'clock. I'm sorry, but the National Guard... Now, don't

you realize I have a bicentennial musical to rehearse. Now, why don't you

your men go break a strike and come back later?

Mrs. Finley, nobody moves the National Guard.

Attack!

Must I do the Betsy Ross sketch?

Now, Mrs.

Noggetuck, a bicentennial musical about women in America for the past 200 years

certainly has to include Betsy Ross.

But I hate this costume.

It's too tight around me Betsy.

It's also a little snug around your Ross.

Mark? Yes, dear? Mark, I have... Come up with the perfect idea for my number.

I'm Sacagawea.

Sacagawea? You mean that famous Indian lady scout who led the expedition, the

Lewis and Clark? Yes. Oh, that is inspirational, Viv. What's your number?

Um... Tiptoe to my teepee.

Don't be sleazy.

We can fool around so...

Don't be sleepy. We can fool around.

Viv, Sacagawea was a great woman.

Tiptoe to my pee -pee. That's an insult to every Indian woman in America.

Not to mention Tiny Tim.

Oh, thug.

Bicentennial celebration.

That's a great sign, Wally.

Yeah. All us Tuckahoe store owners have got a set of booths all around the

armory. It's going to do wonders for business.

Boy, you know, that President Ford is a smart cookie. Just when the economy hits

rock bottom, he dreams up this gimmick of a bicentennial.

Hey, uh, Mr. Findley, did you hear about Ed Feeney? Your wife won't let him sing

Mother McCree in the show.

Oh, no.

A show in Tuckahoe without Ed Feeney's Mother McCree.

No Mother McCree?

Let's straighten Ward out right now.

Okay, Mrs. Nogatuck, this is it, your shining hour.

Marty Ford! Just a moment, just a moment. All right, go ahead. Now,

you're Betsy Ross, and pretend that I'm wearing my George Washington outfit.

Oh, General Washington, I really love this flag, and that is why

I always say, you're a grand old flag.

Wait, wait, wait. Just a moment.

Mrs. Naugatuck, I thought you were going to do it like Barbara Streisand.

I thought I was.

Not at all. Now watch me, Tommy.

You're a grand old flag.

You're a...

The number is out.

What is it? Mark, we just heard that Ed Feeney isn't going to sing Mother McCree

in the show.

Now, you can't have a show in Tuckahoe without Ed Feeney singing Mother McCree.

Marty, I insist you pencil in Ed Feeney. Arthur, every town in America is having

a bicentennial celebration.

Ours is going to be different. We are doing a tribute to women in the past 200

years and no men in the cast.

No men?

Well, that's absurd, Marty. It's absurd.

Can't show the history of this country without men.

There were no important women.

No important women, Arthur.

How about Susan B. Anthony?

Never heard of her.

Dolly Bloomer?

Who?

Margaret Sanger?

That doesn't ring a bell.

Jane Addams? I never heard of her.

Arthur, do the name Ruby Begonia strike up a...

But you cannot do a bicentennial show about women with just women in the cast.

Who'll come to see it? Nobody. And if nobody comes, nobody will buy anything

during their stay here.

And lest you forget, Marty, let me remind you that the only reason you got

permission to use this armory is because Colonel Reichert also happens to own

the Foxhole Liquor Locker. He expects to make a big bundle selling booze. He's

advertising the 50 -cent shot heard around the world.

Did it ever occur to you two that what we are celebrating is a bicentennial of

American history?

That's why I'm running my bicentennial special, an electric carving knife for

1776.

Is that the same knife that was your Columbus Day special at 1492?

Mother, time to rehearse the finale!

Well, as I said to that great poet, Mr. Elliot,

T .S.

Finley. Yeah, hello, Colonel.

As you were. Now, what's this I hear about your wife doing a show with only

women? I just heard about it myself.

Well, now, I'll brook no such nonsense in my armory.

Now, then, dogface, get off this stuff.

If you want to walk, stand over there.

And shut your big bazoos.

Carry on.

The number's too big to ignore, and I know too much to go back and pretend.

Cause I've heard it all before, and I've been down there on the floor. No one's

ever gonna keep me down again.

Dolly Madison, Martha Washington, Isadora Duncan, Eleanor Roosevelt,

Nation, Sobered Up the Drunken, Betty Ford, Calamity, J. May West, and Martha

Sanger, Claire Luce, and Bella Abso -

sisters you're uncanny molly brown and margaret meet and little orphan nanny

yes they

pay the price but look how much we've gained if we have to we can do anything

we are strong

Mrs. Finley, who do you think you are, the Andrews sisters or the Ritz

Now, you listen to me. I'm going to telephone the general and get permission

kick you and your girls out of here, and I'm bringing in the Tuckahoe Cat Show.

Colonel, I... Ma!

Not now, Viv.

I may have lost the armory.

Colonel! Ma, listen, I know you hated my Indian number, but listen to this one.

has yodeling got to do with the American Bicentennial?

Oh.

Well, I'm saluting all the famous American women who came over from

Name one.

Carol Burnett.

Carol Burnett. How do you know she is Swiss?

How do you know she isn't?

All right, Mrs. Naugatuck, time to rehearse the colonial number.

Yes, Mrs. Friendly.

Well, here we are suffering the sad lot of us women

while our men are out there fighting the enemy.

But mark my words, the day will come when women will be achesome.

The men won't be out there fighting alone.

They'll be in here drinking with us.

I'll drink to that.

Not with champagne.

It's the devil's brew.

Let me tell you my tale.

This is the story.

A man...

who's the son of an earl, and she is a pure village maid.

He says that he loves her again and again.

She went to

That's right. Take all these things off, please.

Yes. Mark.

How do you like this outfit?

A bicentennial celebration is hardly the place to honor Lizzie Borden.

No, I'm Carrie Nation, the famous temperance lady. And as I'm smashing the

whiskey bottles, I'm singing.

You just did.

You won't let me do anything.

Maude.

Maude, the Chamber of Commerce is screaming about this all -woman show.

Maude, if you do this, it is going to be a fiasco. Maude, nobody's going to come

to see an all -woman show, and it's killing business.

You're making a terrible mistake.

And I didn't put up with this playbill just to lose money. Mother, mother,

mother, the box office is swamped, mother.

Mother, women's groups from all over the...

or reserving blocks. That's where it's going to hold out for the first three

days. Sold out. Sold out.

Oh,

I've got to get back.

On the other hand, a few of the tunes are catchy.

We'll make a hit.

Maude. Maude. Maude. Now, Vivian. Maude.

This is Mrs. Amici, the entertainer I told you about.

Oh, yes. The one who does the imitation of Rich Little.

No. Mrs.

Amici is 74 years old and she does a specialty act.

Oh. Oh, very nice to meet you, Mrs. Amici. Now, you go right ahead, Mrs.

You show me.

Mrs. Finley, I just talked with Albany.

Please, Colonel, if you have bad news for me, believe me.

All right, Mrs. Amici, I'm ready whenever you are. Tell me.

Mrs. Finley, I don't believe you heard me. I said I just talked with Albany.

Colonel, I don't understand.

I am auditioning a show here.

I'm sorry for the distraction, Mrs. Amici. Please, begin.

Mrs. Finley, your show is out, and the taco hole catcher...

Now, please, Colonel, I am

auditioning a show here. Have a little compassion for the artist.

All right.

Whenever you're ready.

little old lady, but, I mean, what kind of an act is crawling on the floor?

Now, please, in a very nice way, you'll have to tell her that she is out.

And so are you, and the cat show is in.

All right, fellas, bring in the kitty litter.

Oh, uh, Arthur, Walter, I think perhaps you'd like to talk to your friend, the

colonel. There'll be no bye in Bicentennial and no sell in Celebration.

Colonel, let's not be too hasty. Colonel, I think you're overreacting.

you talking about? I'll tell you in five simple words, Colonel.

Money, money, money, money, money.

They just heard the show is sold out. Sold out? Yes, and they don't want to

out on the chance to cash in on it.

Sold out?

Well, Mrs. Finley, you've just earned the undying gratitude of the National

Garden to express my own appreciation from my liquor store, a case of red,

white, and blue cocktail onions.

Call the general. Oh, fellas, hold the kitty litter.

Lord, everything is all right.

Except for one thing, Lord.

I'm quitting.

Lord, you can't quit.

All you think about is the almighty dollar.

I tell you, my heart, it just isn't in it.

Don't but maud me.

I mean, here we've been breaking our necks to put on a show that Tuckahoe

be proud of, a tribute to the millions of women who worked so hard to make

things easier for us today and who will inspire us to go even further tomorrow.

Now, wait a second. You're right.

You're right.

For once, I agree with you.

I will not quit.

That's what this song is all about.

No matter how much opposition we get, we cannot quit.

And I want you to listen to the song that I was going to sing, because maybe

can get through your thick head what we're trying to do. Tommy.

Move over, son, and give me some sky.

I've got me some wings I'm eager to try.

I may be unknown, but wait till I've flown.

You're gonna hear from me.

Give me some room, you people up there.

On top of the world, I'll meet you, I swear.

I'm staking my claim.

Remember my name.

You're gonna hear from me.

Fortune smiled on the road before me.

I'm fortune's child.

Living world. You can't ignore me I've got a song that longs to

be played Raise up my flag Begin my parade

Then watch the world over Start coming up, Clover

That's how it's gonna be

Marty, that was kind of a cute little song.

Arthur, get out of here.

I don't care about money.

I don't care about any set of appliances. I don't care about anything.

Now you go on and do the show.

it not only do i mean it listen if you let us men do one number in the show

we'll make a tribute to you women that you'll be proud of

and groping

is king there's sexual freedom

Ladies and gentlemen, first let me apologize for my costume, you see. But

finale, I play George Washington.

And how he ever got to be the father of his country in these tight pants, I'll

never know.

That's neither here nor there. What I'm here to talk about is something that you

won't find in your programs. It's a recent addition to our show.

It's a group of men, among whom I'm proud to say is my wonderful husband.

These men...

want to show us women that they support us 100 % and that they sympathize and

understand the fight that we've had all these many years.

And so they've rehearsed a number which we've never seen. It's going to be a

surprise to all of us.

Without further ado, here they are, God bless them, the men of Tuckahoe,

in a tribute to the equality and the dignity of women.

Nothing to see.

Just glad she's living and lucky to be. Glad she's living and lucky to be. I got

a woman crazy for me.

He's funny that way.

This can set the cause of women back 200 years.

She was always young at heart, kind of dumb and kind of smart.

I loved her so.

Next thing, he'll sing the girl that I marry.

A doll I can carry.

That girl that I marry must be...

She's a winner.

That does it. That does it. Get the guns. Get the girls. This is war.

Oh, I miss the dear fingers so toil.