Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc was the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's more.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Happy holiday.

Happy holiday.

Oh, Walter, this is the best second honeymoon I ever had.

And better than two of my first honeymoons.

And it's not over yet, Mort.

The night is young in your soul. Please, Walter, don't spoil it.

Don't think, Mort, we got the rest of the night all to ourselves.

Nobody's home but you and me.

Just you and me.

And me.

Mrs. Nogatuck, I thought you were next door helping Vivian out with her party.

The party's over.

It's only 11 .30.

Another one of Vivian's dull affairs.

It was rather like one of those progressive parties.

As the evening wore on, it got progressively duller.

Well, looks like our party's over, too.

Uh, Mrs. Nogatuck, I don't think we'll be needing you anymore this evening, so

why don't you go out on the town?

What? At midnight in Tuckahoe?

Oh, come on.

Tell me, Mrs. Nogatuck, is Carol back from the party, too? No, she went with

date to get some coffee.

You see, some places are still open in Tuckahoe. They had to go to Yonkers.

That's right, Walter. Yonkers swings like the pendulum do.

Mum, there's something I think you should know.

Mum, you remember that...

Punchbowl, you loathe the hormones.

Well, of course I do.

Well, it got chipped at the party.

Chipped?

My priceless, Waterford, antique, crystal punchbowl that's been in my

generations, how chipped?

Well, ma 'am... How chipped?

How chipped?

How chipped?

Well... How chipped?

When I was a little girl, I broke my mama doll.

It used to go, mama, mama.

One day I dropped it. The head broke into a million pieces.

No more mama, mama.

I cried for three days and three nights. And when I was all cried out, my

mother, who was very wise, took me and put me on her knee. And she said, Maude.

You know, a doll is only a possession, and possessions are meaningless.

And you know something?

My mother was wrong.

A scuffle, hear a crash, and not know exactly how it happened.

Were you at the party, Mum? Well, you know I wasn't. Well, then I heard

saw a scuffle, heard a crash. Mum! Mum!

Mum! Mum!

Maud, Maud, Maud, be calm.

Remember, Maud, this is our second honeymoon.

Oh, shut up, you sex maniac.

King's men.

Can't put back your antique Waterford crystal punch bowl to go.

Oh, thank you, Walter.

That's sweet.

If my bowl wasn't broken, I'd throw up in it.

Thank the Lord for small mercies.

Come on, honey.

Maud, look at me.

Sweetheart,

first thing tomorrow we'll go out and get another one, I promise. And who

You may even like it better.

Oh, thank you, darling.

And I'm sorry I threw that silly tantrum. I mean, this is our second

Let's go upstairs.

Good night, Mrs. Norris.

See you in the morning.

who should be spending the night here after your shameful behavior. Oh, pooey.

Now listen, baby. Oh, poo.

I've told you 50 times, nothing happened.

Good evening.

Shut up.

That's right, Walter. Be quiet. This really sounds juicy. Go ahead.

Well, Arthur's an old fogey.

The wife is always the last to know.

You don't think Molly's going to let you stay here, do you, when she finds out

that you broke her punch bowl?

Go ahead, Mrs. Naugatuck.

Tell them everything.

All about my wife's shocking behavior and how the punch bowl got broken.

Well, I'm not quite sure how that happened.

Well, I am, and I'm going to tell it. No, you are not, because you will tell

all wrong. I am going to tell it. Vivian!

I am going to tell the truth and nothing but the truth.

And I'm going to tell it first.

Now, Vivian spent the entire night acting shamelessly.

All because of some moose of a hockey player that Carol brought to the party

her date.

Now, there was some stupid argument going on about women in sports, but

was so busy making cow eyes at the hockey player, she didn't even bother to

goodnight to the guests.

It was positively embarrassing.

What about, uh, Billie Jean King or, uh, Chris Everett or Babe Dedrickson? Now,

now, those are all exceptions to the rule. Goodnight.

Goodnight, all.

Oh, Doctor, would you mind very much if I asked you to see me to my door?

I'm exhausted. I want to retire.

Of course.

All the guests will be gone in a moment, and then it'll be my pleasure.

By the way, Doctor, it looks as if your wife is undressing that handsome hockey

player with her eyes.

That's all right, Mrs. Nogatuck. Don't worry.

She's not doing it with her hands.

I'm sorry you have to leave so early. Oh, buddy, we really got to fly. Can't

stay a little longer? We really do.

I mean, we really do have to fly.

Oh. Good night.

Well, Carol, I'm just saying that women can't possibly compete with men in

contact sports simply because of the male physical superiority.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Do you care to prove it?

I'll count to three.

I don't believe this. It's like watching an X -rated Sesame Street.

I said, do you care to Peru it?

There is one contact sport that women are as good at, if not better, than men.

And I don't mean tiddlywinks.

Wow.

Now, put me down.

Slowly.

My sweet pet.

If it's brute strength that appeals to you, get a load of these apples.

Hunk of man.

Coming with me?

You can help me scrape off my dirty dishes.

Arthur, are you just going to stand there and let him scrape off her Melmac?

Oh, Arthur.

Oh, poor, sweet, dear...

Thank you, Carol.

I appreciate your support.

Oh, Doctor, I'm so sorry. But in my book, you're still king of the house.

Arthur. And if I were you, Your Majesty, I'd go right in there and stop the

queen before she becomes a queen mother.

Don't you want to kiss me?

Oh, yes, I want to kiss you, but what about your husband?

You can kiss him later.

Don't waste time laughing.

Mrs.

Nogatuck, I've got to do the manly thing. Oh, please, Dr.

Harmon. Arthur, I'm being attacked.

Or vice versa.

Now, look, Arthur, sir.

You see here the hands of a surgeon.

It would be tragic if they should be damaged.

But what the heck?

Sorry, Carol.

Now then, Mrs. Nogatuck, is that or is that not the way it happened? Exactly.

It's the God's honest truth.

Oh, it is not.

Mrs. Nogatuck, how can you agree with him when you know he's lying?

Me? Lie?

Vivian, I'm a doctor.

Don't look at me. You all know my reputation for veracity.

And every time you tell the truth, you ruin your reputation.

Can't we sleep on it? I know what you're thinking, Walter, and the answer is no.

Now, Vivian, that bowl has been in my family for over 80 years. Now it is

thanks to you and that mad fling you had with that raunchy hockey player.

Oh, Maude, please listen to me.

Do you want to know what really happened at the party? I mean, what really,

really, really... Well, why else would I be sitting here when I could be

upstairs having the time of Walter's life?

Now, tell your story.

Now, Maude, I'm going to tell you what really happened at the party. I have

told her. Yes, but you lied.

I'm going to tell the truth. Now, Maude, I can't help it if men find me so

attractive at these parties.

particularly Carol's date, but it just drives Arthur insane with jealousy, and

that makes him terribly nasty.

Well, so there I was trying to be a good hostess by conversing with our

remaining guests while Arthur was barking goodnight to those who were

What about Billie Jean King or Chris Everett? Well, what about Maeve

Isn't she cute?

Don't you know those are exceptions to the rule? Good night.

Good night!

And good riddance to bad rubbish.

Oh, Dr. Harmon. What the hell do you want, Nogatuck?

Well, if you don't have that attitude, you better just see me to my door,

you?

that's undressing your wife with his eyes.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. She's only trying to make me jealous.

Doctor, we've really got to fly.

Well, then fly, you old buzzard.

Good night.

Oh,

come on. Women can't possibly compete with men in a contact sport simply

of the male physical.

Oh, yeah, prove it. I thought you'd never ask.

I don't believe it. What is this, Jock and Jill?

I'd just like to see him try.

Okay.

Hey,

there is one contact sport that women are as good at, if not better, than men.

And I don't mean tiddlywinks.

Bingo.

This is too much.

Well, if Vivian will allow that.

Get a load of these apples.

Your apples must have put on weight.

I get more support from my suppos.

And you claim to be king of the household.

Well, if you won't save your queen from that puck chaser, I will.

Oh, you don't want to kiss me.

Oh, don't I?

Why are you laughing like that?

I think he beats you to it.

Arthur, I'm being attacked.

Or vice versa.

Now look, Arthur.

You see here the hands of a surgeon.

It would be tragic if they should be damaged.

But what the hell?

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care what happens.

And that's exactly the way it happened.

Isn't it, Mrs. Nogatuck?

Exactly. That's the God's honest truth.

This is an outrage.

Mrs. Nogatuck, she's lying and you know it.

Exactly.

That's the God's honest truth.

I don't understand this. First you say you don't remember.

Then you say Arthur is right. Now you say Vivian is right. How could that

possibly be? I'll tell it like it is.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you know what you're full of?

What? Contradictions.

Enough to cover our lawn.

Now, look, we're not getting anywhere, so why can't we all sleep on it? Will

get your mind out of the gutter?

Tell us, Mrs. Naugatuck. You stick to your story. You tell us the truth. But

aren't...

Well, there's no use in going on all night about this. It was just one of

things. Right, Lambchop? Right, right. We just may as well go on.

Excuse me, I'm very tired. Hold it!

The first one who moves has to take me on first.

Not you, Walter.

Now, no one is going to leave until I find out exactly who broke my punch

Now, Carol, tell us, what did happen at Vivian's house tonight? Oh, but we don't

want to... We don't want to react.

Quiet!

And Mrs.

Nogatuck was your punch bowl, or what was in it.

Jim and I were discussing women in sports, and, uh, Arthur was saying

to the guests.

And believe me, our three little friends here were feeling no pain.

Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

What about... What about Billie Jean King or Chris... Oh, oh, Babe

Dedrickson. Now, now, those are all exceptions to the rule. Oh, Jim.

Good night, folksy!

I'll go and join them.

Oh, do you really have to go so early? We have to.

Arthur. Huh?

You're fly.

What?

possibly compete with men in contact sports simply because of their the male

physical superiority i bet you're afraid to prove it curly locks

In the dark alley.

If he ignores you.

I appreciate your support.

I think I'll go and see how Queen Vivian is getting on with King Kong.

Don't you want to kiss me?

Oh, come on now, Mrs. Arman, you're loaded.

I'm not going to kiss you.

Oh, don't laugh at me. No!

think it was vice versa now look arthur you see here the hands of a surgeon it

would be tragic if they should be damaged now arthur i think there's

it's okay fella

all be ashamed of yourselves.

Arthur lies because he thinks it's a crime for a man to be afraid.

Vivian lies because she feels it's a disgrace for a woman to be rejected.

And Mrs. Naugatuck lies because of a little strange quirk in her personality.

She always lies.

And that's the God's only strength.

Well, there's no use crying over my punch bowl. It's gone.

We might just as well forget about it. I forgive you.

Oh, I'm for that.

Oh, thank you, Marty. You really are a great lady.

Oh, you're big, Maude, really big.

I prefer great.

Maude, I've got to hand it to you. You really are a terrific person, forgiving

everyone. Everyone but you.

Me? It's all your fault. If it hadn't been for you and your lust.

I wouldn't have spent the weekend locked up in that sleazy motel room on the

outskirts of town.

I would have been over at Vivian's house looking out for my priceless Waterford

antique crystal punch bowl that has been in my family for generations.

Maud was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.