Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner.

Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right or not?

You know what curiosity did to the cat?

I know what it did to the one across the street. It got her 12 kittens.

You know, I just, I don't know why I put up with you. I really don't. You're not

terribly efficient. You're not very fast.

I mean, why do I put up with it? You're not black.

letting a letter from your ex -husband go unopened for two whole days.

Oh, you don't understand.

This isn't a letter from one of my ordinary ex -husbands.

This is from poor Albert.

Poor, sweet, gentle man. The saddest person I've ever known.

You know, once he took me to Capistrano and the swallows stayed in a holding

pattern until we left.

You must be talking about poor Albert.

Oh, Mother, shouldn't you open? His letter has been two days now.

Please, Carol, I cannot face it now.

But why do you get upset when you get a letter from poor Albert? You know how he

exaggerates. Oh, honey, it's just that he makes everything sound so pathetic.

I mean, his imaginary illnesses, his bad investments.

You know, he once wrote a letter to the Playboy advisor about the infrequency of

his sex life, and they canceled his subscription.

I just cannot face this letter now.

Gather round, ladies.

Cut off the presses.

Proof sheets on the airs for my annual Founder's Day sale. Walter, Walter.

Wait, bargain.

Walter, how can you sell a color television set for $69 .95?

Oh, no, Walter, you're reading it wrong.

It's not $69 .95. Look closely under the five.

Under the five? I don't see anything. Look closer.

I am, Walter. I still don't see anything. Here.

You mean this little fly speck?

That fly speck says down.

It's $69 .95 down.

Of course. How could I have missed it?

Walter, is this an ad or an eye chart?

Walter, we go through this every single year at Founders Day. Why do you

constantly try to fool the public?

I mean, why can't you be honest enough to put out an ad where everything can be

read? I tried that once. The sale was a disaster.

Oh, my, look at this. Very valuable imported gift to the first 200

Oh, what are they, Mr. Finlay?

Uh, look at the ad on the refrigerators.

Walter?

How can you afford to give away very valuable gifts?

Anything for my customers. Look at the buy on the refrigerator.

Walter, is my ESP working? These very valuable imported gifts.

You finally found a way to unload those Portuguese curling irons.

What do you mean unload?

Walter, a Portuguese curling iron is not a very valuable gift.

It is to a Portuguese with straight hair.

I'm suddenly in the mood. Mood? What mood? You just made me feel bad enough

read poor Albert's letter.

Come on, I want everybody's advice.

I need a picture of myself for the ad.

Now remember, I'm friendly friendly.

Now which one do you think looks friendliest?

Walter, do you have to use your picture in the ad?

It's a Founders Day sale and I'm the founder. Whose picture would you

Lloyd Bridges. Robert Redford. Charles Bronson. Dick Tracy. Peter Falk. Colonel

Arliss. Colonel Arliss. Colonel Baxter. George Arliss. Come on, I get the point.

George Arliss?

Here.

Do you think this one looks friendly enough?

Walter, that picture was taken 25 years ago.

It looks like the cover of Mad Magazine.

What, me worried?

Walter, it's amazing.

Except for the mustache. In 25 years.

Yeah? You've aged.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, this is terrible.

Oh, poor Albert. It's always poor Albert. No, no, no, no, no, Walter.

this. Dearest Maude, you needn't bother sending me a birthday card this year

because even though my birthday is only ten days away, the doctor says I won't

make it.

Mother, I'm sure he's just exaggerating again.

Poor thing. sweet, gentle Albert. He's being so considerate. He's trying to

spare me the trouble of sending him a birthday card.

Well, now you can send him a get -well card.

That's what I always send him on his birthday. It cheers him up.

No need to mourn, Maude, because thanks to warm, wonderful understanding you,

I enjoyed our seven marvelous months of marriage in what was otherwise a dismal

existence. Goodbye, and...

God bless you.

Do you find it, Pa?

No, that's P .A. for poor Albert.

I wonder if he really means it this time. No chance.

He always makes things worse than they are, Mother. I'm sure he's fine.

I'd better phone.

Oh, more. Just in case he's telling the truth, call person to person.

Walter, God, you're right. I'd better.

Let's get back to... these pictures. You know, Founders Day is the most

important day of the year for me. Oh, I like this picture, Mr. Finlay.

It's so dignified, sincere, trustworthy.

Someone you could buy a Mr.

Coffee from and know you weren't getting shafted.

That's good enough for me.

Oh, would you mind getting that, sir? I got the last one.

Is this the Findlay residence?

That's right.

I'm from Bill and Joe's mortuary.

Bill and Joe's mortuary?

That's right.

I'm Edward Joe. My partner is Robert Bill.

Please don't make fun.

There must be some mistake.

We're all very healthy here.

I can see that.

There's no mistake.

This is not a takeout.

It's a delivery.

For Mrs. Finley from A. Hilliard. Huh?

Albert Hilliard.

A package from Albert?

What's in there?

Albert.

Albert?

He passed away last Thursday.

It was his request that his ashes be delivered to Mrs. Findlay.

Oh, no.

Come in.

Well, now I'm really worried. Albert's phone has been disconnected.

Maude, this gentleman has a package for you.

Oh, what do you remember?

sends me a little gift every year on Founders Day.

Mother.

Maud. Now, don't tell me.

It's light.

That means it's a fun gift.

Maud.

The gentleman is from a funeral home.

Poor Albert.

gentle Albert.

And he wanted me to have this.

What's in here?

Albert.

Those are his ashes.

He wanted you to have them. And here's an envelope that goes with the package.

And now, if you'll excuse me.

Oh, by the way, here's my card.

Bill and Joe's.

One never knows.

What does he say, Mother?

I don't mean to impose on you, Maude, but I would die happy knowing you

consented to scatter my ashes over...

Pine Lake on my birthday.

For as you remember, my birthday is the anniversary of the only momentous event

of my life.

Of course, we were married on his birthday.

Poor Albert, he was so sentimental.

He wanted to be married on his birthday so that he would never forget our

wedding anniversary.

Thing is, we never had one.

I could only stand him for seven months.

But why Pine Lake?

I don't know.

Well, sometimes when people feel their time is near, they turn to nature or

religion.

My father turned to young girls.

That was his nature.

Lake, of course. Pine Lake. That's where we went on our honeymoon.

We spent our honeymoon in the honeymoon suite of the Pine Cone Lodge overlooking

the lake. Carol, I'd like to look at my wedding pictures with Albert. The albums

are upstairs in my bookcase.

Carol, arranged alphabetically according to husband.

Well, Walter.

I'm going to have to go to Pine Lake on Albert's birthday.

I know.

And naturally, I'm going with you.

Oh, darling, thank you. I just don't think I could do it alone.

I wouldn't hear it.

I could never let the woman I love be alone at a time of sorrow without my

comfort and support.

Oh, Walter, thank you. You know, you just might be the most loving person who

ever lived.

When do we go up there?

Let's see, Albert's birthday is the 28th. That's right, next Wednesday, the

28th. Good.

That's my founder's day.

Ward, Wednesday the 28th is my founder's day sale. It's the biggest event of the

year. I know, darling, and I love you for being willing to forego it.

No, it shows how understanding and compassionate you are. I'm not going,

Walter. How can you have a Founder's Day sale without the founder?

Walter, when you have your Lincoln's birthday sale, is Abe there?

Forget it, Maude. Walter. No.

It's the one day of the year I repay all the hundreds of my loyal customers.

Customers? Friends.

People who flock to the store because they realize I'm sacrificing merchandise

at cost, at below cost.

And Albert or no Albert, I'm not going to give up all that profit.

Walter, how many times in our marriage have I asked you to do a special favor

for me?

At least once a day.

Walter,

how many times in our marriage have I asked you to go someplace with me that

didn't want to go to?

At least once a week.

How many times have I asked you to help me spread Albert's ashes over Pine Lake?

You can't answer that, can you, Walter?

Huh? Now, Walter, huh?

What? For the last time, no!

Walter, I intend to honor this poor friendless man's dying request.

He chose me because he knew I was defendable. He says in the letters, I am

and wonderful and... Hello, everybody! Shut up!

Wonderful and understandable.

Crying out loud?

Oh, a lover's tear.

Tell Vivian all about it and she'll make it all better.

Vivian, Albert died.

You see? Now it's all better.

Vivian, my ex -husband, Albert, died.

Albert died?

Poor Albert?

Oh, poor Albert died.

Where was he laid to rest?

Right now he's on the bar.

That's what Walter and I were arguing about. He expressed the desire to be

sprinkled over Pine Lake.

Oh, well, then you must do it. Well, of course we must.

He left definite instructions.

Here are two detailed letters, both written at great pain just before he

What did he die of?

Probably writer's cramp.

All right, all right, I'm sorry, but I'm still not going on to 28th. We'll go

the day after.

He wants to be scattered.

blasphemy to disregard the wishes of the departed.

You know what, Maud? You're like some primitive who lives in the Dark Ages and

who believes in goblins and evil omens. Here it is, the 20th century, and you're

superstitious. Look, Walter, what if you had made a final request? What if you

died and I... Don't say that! It's bad luck! Tweet!

Oh, Mrs. Finlay, Carol's just told me about poor Albert, so I brought down

urn. Contains the ashes of my late husband, Cyril.

I thought Albert might like some company.

Mrs. Naugatuck, that's very sweet. Now get lost.

You're welcome.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

If the whiskey don't get you, the women must.

Oh,

Walter, I can barely keep from crying. I have been under a most severe emotional

strain.

Darling, I know your business is important to you, but it is very

me that I honor Albert's wishes. So you stay and take care of your sale, and

I'll go up there alone.

Mort, I love you too much to let you do this by yourself.

So you can't go.

Walter, I... No, you can't go, Mort. But Walter, Albert... Albert, Albert,

Albert, what does he know?

Let him do some good for once in his life.

Sprinkle him on an icy sidewalk.

You three really think that ashes have ears? Walter, even the most ridiculous

things are possible.

That's why Howard Cosell has his own variety show.

Oh, I love him.

Walter, even if poor Albert can't hear us, you must honor his last request

because God...

you think god is listening to us of course he is walter god is everywhere

he's in the air he's in the water he's in the garage

vivian

the garage

Cyril's an atheist.

Walter, I know where God is.

He is right here in my heart.

And my heart tells me, Walter, that I must honor the wishes of that poor

friendless man.

Now, I ask you, Walter, from my heart, will you do this with me?

No.

Get him for that.

Mother, here's the wedding Albert with the pictures of poor Albert. Thanks,

honey. Just put them on the bar.

Well, are you two going to Pine Lodge? Yes.

Walter!

Listen, I couldn't help overhearing and I think I have a solution.

We already have a solution.

We're not going. Walter!

Listen!

Pine Lodge is only two hours away. Are you... You could drive up there the

of the 27th, stay overnight at Pine Cone Lodge, and get up at dawn and scatter

the ashes over the lake and be back to the store in time for the sale.

That could work. That's a great idea.

We could do exactly what Albert and I did when we were married.

We got up to the lodge about midnight and left at dawn the next day.

You and Albert had a four -hour honeymoon?

It was his birthday. He wanted to get back to open his presents.

Okay, we'll go.

You know something?

We could even have some fun. We could make it a second honeymoon. Of course.

Yours or his?

Oh, Maude, I was just looking at this old picture of poor Albert, and it's

really so sad.

You can just see in his face what a loser he was.

What a pitiful, miserable... Vivian, that's Walter!

said I should wake you up at seven if you was asleep but you ain't so I don't

have to.

You're not Walter.

No ma 'am I'm Hilda.

I'll give you a chance to get up before I make the bed.

Oh that's very decent of you.

I was afraid you'd try to make it around me.

Look Hilda I'd like to be alone.

This is a very special sacred day for my husband and me. You see we're We're up

here fulfilling a death wish.

That's true of everybody that checks in this place.

Oh, Hilda, we'll be checking out in a few minutes.

Walter, where have you been? Double -checking on the plane.

Come on, Ward, we're going to meet the pilot at the airport in an hour. Walter,

what kind of plane is it? It's perfectly safe.

And the pilot's got to be great. He's a professional crop duster.

Buster Walter for spreading ashes?

Who'd you expect, the Red Baron?

Come on, Walter. Let's get this over with and get back for Founders Day. I'm

going to grab a quick shave.

Mind if I start on the bed?

Can't you come back later?

That's all right, dear. You won't be in my way.

Hilda, there was a little box here. Did you move it?

Oh, yeah. There was nothing in it but dust. Stud threw it out.

At least you made it to the lake.

Why, Mr. Ed.

No, it's... No, it's Mr.

Joe.

from Tom and Joe's mortuary.

My partner is Mr. Bill.

It's Bill and Joe's mortuary.

You're not going to make fun, are you?

Oh, I wouldn't think of it. Please come in.

Mrs. Finley, that box that I delivered here last week, I'm afraid there's been

terrible mistake.

I accidentally gave you the wrong one.

That wasn't Albertine.

Well, I'm afraid the, uh...

The ashes have already been disposed of.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, if word of this gets out, my career could go right down the toilet.

Mr. Joe, don't worry. We'll keep it our secret. But tell me, who was in the box

that you gave me?

A Gus Considine.

A wonderful, warm, generous man.

who dedicated his life to his work.

I only hope he had a fitting farewell.

Tell me, what sort of work did he do?

He was a plumber.

Maud was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.