Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right on, Maud.

This salad is delicious. Oh, look.

There's Ellen Warren.

Look at her laughing and waving when she knows we can't stand each other.

She's such a hypocrite.

I don't believe it. Hmm? Now, don't turn. What?

It can't be. No, it's impossible.

Who? What? I'm not sure.

What? He's grown a beard and that... Don't turn. Who are you? That's

incredibly... Huh?

That incredibly youthful face. Who? Even younger. Who is it?

It's he. Who?

Who is it? What an embarrassing situation. Well, who is that? Who is

It's husband.

My husband?

Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop. It's so obvious, Phil. Oh.

Oh. Oh. How clumsy of me.

to the cigar counter.

Oh, my gosh.

He's so fat.

Those are sideburns. That's not a beard. What's he doing in that tuxedo?

Vivian, that's the head waiter.

Vivian. Vivian.

Octay is here, hey.

Airway.

chuck she had a sudden impulse to count her toes well uh may

i oh chuck please sit down thank you thank you well well well maude and

vivian do you realize you two that it's been two and a half years since i've

seen you really um chuck yeah i just can't get over this i mean you are yeah

dare i say it you you are fascinating chuck Hairy and fascinating.

Oh. Oh, you mean the new beard? Well, it just seemed to go along with my new

Porsche.

Porsche? You mean... You mean...

That kind of Porsche? You

mean you traded in our old Dodge?

Oh, yes, yes. As they say these days, I've now got four... the floor.

Wouldn't be at all surprised.

Maude, you look sensational.

And Vivian, you haven't changed a bit. I mean, you are just as lovely and

girlish as the last time I saw you.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That really wasn't fair of me.

I just happened to hit on one of Vivian's erogenous zones.

Remember, Chuck, it is now a no -parking zone.

Yes, yes, that's right.

Well, Viv, how is your marriage going?

What marriage?

Oh, Arthur's a doll.

Ah, a doll, a doll.

Well, as long as you're happy.

Oh, happy.

Another zone, Vivian? Don't you have any dead spots?

Come on, how is good old Walter?

Oh, we couldn't be better. And Chuck, you know something? He would love to see

you again. Oh, well, I'd love to see him too, but you see, I'm in town on major,

major business. As a matter of fact, I really have to split tomorrow night.

Look, tonight Arthur and Viv and a couple of business acquaintances of

are coming over. Why don't you come over too? Say seven -ish?

Well, um... Viv?

Oh, sure.

It's no hair off my chest.

I mean... That's all right. That's all right. Oh, I see my business lunch has

just arrived. Oh. Very, very big oil man from Texas. Very big.

Be right with you, Abdul.

please put these young ladies' check on my tab.

Oh, well, thank you, Chad. Oh, you're quite welcome.

And I'll, uh, see you this evening.

Yes. Ooh!

Oh, leaping lizards, what a doll.

He does look terribly erogenous.

I mean... And to think, to think I divorced him because he was such a

loser.

I remember M &M's used to melt in his hands.

Maude, you know, you know, all the time I was married to Chuck, whenever he was

loving me up, I always felt that he was kissing me but thinking of someone

else. And just now when he was sitting here beside me for the first time, I

as if I was the someone else he was thinking of.

I feel so wicked. Yeah.

Don't worry about it. Even in a man's world, we women are allowed to

But I was brought up to believe that thinking simply is as bad as doing.

Yeah, sometimes better.

Oh, Viv, you know, if I had a nickel for every fantasy I ever had, I could buy

Paul Newman for two million five.

Why, I'm working out a deal right now.

in three seconds.

57 seconds to go. You think you can make it, Arthur?

Oh, sure, easy. I can do that stand on my head.

Don't bother, Arthur. I'll get it.

Oh, Chuck! Long time no see. It is great to see you. You look terrific.

Chuck, I want you to meet Harry and Ethel Plummer. How do you do? This is

Vivian's first husband, Chuck Cavender. This is our first time in New York. Oh.

know the song. K -A -L -A -M -A. We've heard it.

Nothing.

Arthur.

Well, how are you, Arthur?

Hi there, Chuck.

Forgive me if I don't get up.

Oh, it's quite all right. You made it, Arthur. Five minutes.

What did I tell you, Harry?

Chuck, how about a drink? Why not?

Any Campari and soda?

minutes on your head.

You know, all of us should exercise. Good for the heart, cholesterol, the old

love life, huh, Vivian?

Don't talk like that in front of Chuck. We're not even married anymore.

Now, plumbers, you must come over here and try this avocado dip.

Now, Vivian, you look very attractive in that dress.

that I should explain. This is, in a way, a reunion.

As you know, Chuck is Vivian's first husband.

They met when I was married to Barney, and then they got married about the time

that I married Chester.

And then, of course, when I married Albert, well, the four of us used to go

vacations together, you know. And then Viv married Arthur shortly after I

married Walter.

I know what you're thinking. Vivian has had a pretty mixed -up life, hasn't she?

been divorced at least once, except Arthur.

Right. But I was lucky. My first wife died.

Chuck, come on. I don't believe it. You never got over me. Oh, Viv.

If a little silver bell rang in your ear every time I thought of you, your sweet

little head would forever tinkle.

say things like that.

I'm married.

What name over there might you use?

Okay, everybody, the rumaki is ready.

What's a rumaki? Oh, you little hunks of liver with chestnuts and stuff. Maud,

Maud, guess what, guess what, guess what?

Chuck wants me to have lunch with him tomorrow.

Oh, great.

Have lunch with him. No, but what about Arthur?

Vivian, women have arrived.

We head up corporations, we fly airplanes, and we have lunch with our ex

-husband.

I just can't ask Arthur for permission.

And, you know, he's so old -fashioned. When I undress at night, he turns our

picture of Blue Boy to the wall.

Then I'll ask him. Oh, and if you're worried about Blue Boy, why don't you

him over here? Walter loves an audience.

Arthur. Arthur, is it all right if Viv has lunch with Chuck tomorrow?

Well, he's a busy man.

Is it all right with you?

Um, certainly.

Well, I have no objection.

Excuse me.

Oh,

but you've been standing on your head too long.

Why should I worry?

She told me she had no respect for Chuck.

She told me she divorced him because he's weak and nervous. The poor guy's a

born loser.

Okay, Viv, now you have a clear conscience. If you run into anyone you

there's no need to feel embarrassed.

I don't think I'll run into anyone I know. We're having lunch in Chuck's

room.

Vivian, I said we women have arrived.

We head up corporations, we fly airplanes, and call it off immediately.

Why? It's just an innocent little lunch in Chuck's motel room.

Vivian, when you feed the lion at the zoo, you do not go into the cage with

Unless, of course, you're armed with a chair and a whip, and I rather think

Chuck might like that.

And with the baby Olympic oysters, I want a really piquant remoulade sauce.

Uh, some cheese, a camembert, nice, runny, soft camembert, you know what I

And, um, some Dom Perignon champagne, well chilled, of course. And be sure to

freeze the glasses and have it all up here in exactly, uh, one hour. No, no,

no, Gino, one hour. And remember, Gino, if the service is really bullseye, I'll

let you cater all my affairs.

Exactly what you're up to, exactly. A fancy lunch, probably steak tartare.

Oysters. And a chocolate mousse for dessert.

Camembert. A fancy red wine. Champagne. You see, I had it all figured out down

to the last minute.

Chuck, I cannot believe you're doing this. Oh, Maude. Now, come on.

Vivian's a big girl. She is not. She's innocent.

Well, not exactly innocent. She's inexperienced.

That isn't what I'm... Well, what is the word? Dumb.

Incredibly attractive man. You can have any woman you want.

Any woman?

Any woman. Why pick on poor Viv?

Now, look, I didn't have time to really think things out. I have no prepared

speeches. This is all purely spur -of -the -moment for Chuck, please.

As a favor to me, call off this date.

All right, Maud.

But what'll I say?

Here, I just happened to jot down a few notes.

Believe me, Chuck, you'll like yourself a lot better for having done this.

Oh, hello, Vivian. Chuck here.

I just called to confess that I am lounging for you. Not lounging.

And because of that, I have to cancel our luncheon. You are the most

irresistible woman in the world.

But I love you too much to endanger your very happy marriage to Arthur.

However, know this, my love.

I will dream of you always.

Okay, I'll see you around.

How was that? Oh, it was wonderful, Chuck. Thank you. You're a real

Oh, hey, wait a minute. Now, what's the rush?

Oh, well, I really should get going, Chuck. Oh, but couldn't you spare a few

minutes? I mean, just to sit and chat about old times?

Ah, I guess I can spare a few minutes.

just thinking about that fabulous cruise the four of us took to the Caribbean so

long ago, remember?

Oh, those crazy songs. So

much

for old times.

Maud, a moment ago you called me an incredibly attractive man.

Do you really think I'm incredibly attractive?

Yes, I... Really?

Well, I... I don't mean incredibly attractive. I mean, I find you

reasonably attractive.

I never knew that.

Well, you see, Walter and I could never quite figure out a way to put it on our

Christmas card to you.

Walter, my husband... It's funny that you should bring up Christmas.

I thought I was bringing up my husband.

You know, when you mentioned Christmas, I thought of that New Year's Eve party

at your house four years ago.

You were wearing this incredibly attractive orange dress.

Chuck, you don't remember that.

Every fold.

Every curve.

Maude, you looked like dessert in that dress.

No, I didn't.

You did? I did not.

You did?

I did.

But

at

midnight, when everyone was kissing everyone else, I didn't kiss you.

Do you know why?

No, don't tell me.

What would happen if I did?

Shall we browse through the Bible?

No, Maud.

You in that incredibly attractive orange dress.

At the oddest moments in the oddest places.

That picture of you comes back to haunt me.

Oh, come on, Chuck. You're joshing.

Maud.

If a little silver bell were to ring in your ear, every time I

thought of you, your dear head would forever tinkle.

You know, a month ago, I thought I had a middle ear infection.

All the time it was you.

Chuck, you're really a very sensitive human being. No, no, Maude, it's not me,

it's you.

You were that wonderfully sexy, low voice of yours.

Oh, come on, it's not that sexy.

Oh, it's like Sophia Loren.

Grazie.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Chuck, Chuck, that may work with Vivian,

I have been rezoned. Not below!

I want that New Year's Eve kiss you owe me, and more than that.

I want that fantastic creature in that fantastic orange dress. Oh, come on now,

Chuck. What do I have to do?

Beat you off with a whip and a chair?

Hey!

Maude, we've wasted years.

Chuck, I really think that... No, no, no, don't. Don't think. Don't think.

think.

Look, uh, Chuck, now listen.

There are times, Chuck, when an affair would be just right. Oh, and this one

would be so right.

No, I mean, if a woman is unhappily married, if she and her husband are

incompatible, then I say, yes, she should have an affair.

By law.

But, Chuck, if a woman is happily married, then there's no reason for an

And, Chuck, if there's no reason for an affair, then it would be immoral.

Immoral. Yes. Yes.

Someone hysterically in a moment of extreme passion.

Chuck, I am really sorry, but when you kissed me, I thought of Walter.

Walter? Oh, Chuck, when I kiss you, I think of Walter.

But when I kiss Walter, I think of Paul Newman, so I'm better off kissing

Walter.

Chuck, I have a guy I love a lot. I don't need anybody else.

But I'll tell you something.

I'll always love you for the compliment.

Oh, you know, it's really funny.

It's nothing like what I imagined it would be.

You know what I mean? Kissing an attractive man in a motel room.

Vivian.

She's perfect.

Vivian, this isn't what it looks like.

Now, I know what you would expect me to do.

Walking in here and finding my best friend in a motel room with my ex

You would expect me to jump up and down and scream and throw things, wouldn't

you? That is what you would expect of me, isn't it?

I guess the laugh's on me, isn't it?

Oh, come on. Now, Vivian, it was totally... Vivian, nothing has happened.

Believe me.

Vivian, I am leaving Walter and having Chuck's baby.

I just said that to get your attention.

Now, listen to me, Vivian. I came over here...

Because I was deeply concerned about you and your marriage, and that's all there

is to it. Look, this is what Chuck read to you on the telephone.

But this is your handwriting.

You wrote this?

Oh, Maude, it's just beautiful.

I just called to confess that I am lounging for it.

Well, that is true.

Chuck did kiss me, but, you know, I have to tell you something so funny, Bill.

Do you know who I thought of when Chuck kissed me?

I thought of Walter.

Oh, poop.

Do you want to know a funny coincidence?

The last year of my marriage to Chuck, whenever he kissed me...

You have to kiss to think of me.

Oh, Chuck. Hey, Chuck.

Oh. Oh, Chuck. No, I'm sorry. Oh, honey.

No. Chuck, it's not your fault. Oh, no. Listen, Vivian and I were just trying to

make you something you could never be. I mean, it was just a fantasy.

But, but, but, honey, you still have your fantasies. Why, you have your brand

new lifestyle and all the 50 new clothes and that brand new Porsche outside.

Do you see it really is? It isn't so bad, Chuck.

I'll get it.

Yeah?

Oh, when?

Uh -huh.

All right, I'll tell him.

Well, Chuck, I guess it just isn't your day.

That was the manager. It seems somebody stole your Porsche.

was taped in Hollywood before a live audience.