Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner.

Angel Clats, she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right on, Maud.

Stick it out, Bill. Stick it out. No more pretzels. No more chips.

No more bulges.

hips. Oh, come on, Mrs. Frazier.

It's good for the bustline. Remember the old saying?

It's what's up front that counts.

Sometimes.

Come on, girls.

Put something into it. Come on.

Oh, good morning, ma 'am.

This is my... exercise class.

I can see it's not the Minnesota Vikings.

You were kind enough to say I could have them over on my day off today.

Remember? Of course, of course. Good morning, girls. Nice to see you all

May I have a few words with you, Coach Rockne?

At ease, girls.

Perspire if you wish.

Do you realize that it's seven o 'clock in the morning?

I mean, my eyelashes aren't even up yet.

Well, it was the most convenient time for the girls. Why?

Are they all having affairs with milkmen?

Mrs. Naugatuck. Now, I'm paid up to date for the first five classes.

Five? Do you mean you are charging these ladies?

A dollar a week.

Just a token. It means nothing to me, but it helps them to appreciate it more.

Bull! If you're not paid up, she makes you do duck walks on the front lawn.

Same place next Tuesday, girl.

Mrs. Naugatuck, next Tuesday is bad for me, unless you want to meet up in your

room. What, in that cracker box?

Why, if you've got a mosquito bite, you'd have to step into the hall to let

swell up.

Mrs. Naugatuck, you've got to stop stealing jokes from Tony Orlando and

I can't help it, Mum.

I just love the theme.

Mrs. Naugatuck, can't your group meet somewhere else?

No, Mum.

No, but it doesn't matter.

This is your house.

I have no rights here.

I'll just have to cancel the class, that's all.

After all, I'm only a servant.

Oh, Mrs.

Naugatuck, I wouldn't have you feel that way for anything in the world.

Look, I'm having a luncheon here next Tuesday. Would you like me to call it

Oh, ma 'am, would you?

No.

I just wanted to see how far you'd go.

Oh, Mrs. Nogatuck.

Mrs.

Nogatuck, I know it's your day off, but I'm going on a big ski weekend. I wonder

if you could do me a favor.

Dye my string bikini.

You're going skiing into this?

No, they have a heated pool.

Carol, you know, darling, I've never been an interfering mother. I've always

you make your own decisions, and I've always respected your right to lead your

own life.

But, Carol, for the first time, I want you to listen to me.

Carol, do not die.

I think I can manage this.

It won't take too long.

You can stop at the drugstore and pick up the dye. It's called Watermelon Pink.

With or without seeds?

Mrs. Nogatuck, you've got to stop watching Tony Orlando and Don.

I can't help it. I just love the theme.

Tire, you know.

Knock it off.

How much money do you think you'll need?

I think $5 should cover it.

Well, okay, thanks.

$5? Do you realize how much material you could die for $5?

Yes, ma 'am. One of your string bikinis.

A great

white shark will get you for that.

Now, look, if I were you, I'd leave while you still have some of your day

left. Oh, before I go, Mum, I hope you don't mind, but I wonder if I could have

an advance of $30 on my salary.

In a word, no.

$25, then?

Negative.

All right, $20, but that's as low as I'll...

Look, Mrs. Naugatuck, this is the third week in a row that you've tried to hit

me up for an advance on your salary. Now... It's only $30. But you've taken

from Carol for a 39 -cent package of dye. You're charging old ladies to throw

their backs out. What are you doing with all this money?

It's not for me, ma 'am. It's for someone else.

Oh? Who?

I can't tell you.

I'm sworn to secrecy. Well, if you want the money, you're going to have to tell

me who.

Well, very well.

If you insist upon browbeating me, it's for my boyfriend.

Bert? Yes, Bert Beasley. Poor Bert. He's got no money and he needs a hearing

aid. He's deaf as a post.

I never noticed that.

Oh, that's because he's been learning to read lips.

But think how sad it is not to hear the robins singing or the old folks

chatter. Or the distant sound of a sawmill on a spring morning.

Or the soft goodnights of little children.

He watches the Waltons.

Look, Mrs. Naugatuck, this is true, isn't it? Oh, all too true, Mum.

Scouts on a...

Well, then I'm sure I can give $30 toward the cause.

Oh, you're an angel, Mum.

I'll just jog upstairs and change my clothes.

Oh, and about Bert's deafness now. You know his fierce Irish pride?

Not a word of this to him.

Which, of course, he wouldn't be able to hear anyway.

This is a bit much. I'm willing to help, but this is the third week in a row

you've borrowed money from me.

I hate to be asking you, Bert, but you've no idea how it pains me to see

Finleys starving, hungry faces every day.

Well, it's amazing how a business like Mr. Finley's can go sour overnight just

like that.

Well, here's ten dollars.

Couldn't you manage a little more, Bert? I mean, they're starving.

They're losing weight in front of my eyes.

Losing weight, are they? Mr. Finlay's been living on old food particles that

were stuck in his moustache.

Oh, that's terrible.

Here's another ten.

Oh, Bert.

to leave it open. You know how fussy the landlady is about the house rules.

Oh, Piffle, I'm just a harmless English lady.

You know that rhyme you told me?

What rhyme?

If all the saints in Ireland and all the saints in Spain were to kiss an English

lady, they'd still be saints again.

I know, I know, but I can't risk upsetting the landlady. You know, only

week she threw out old Epstein for kissing his mezuzah.

Serves him right for sneaking her in.

Well, I'd better be off. I don't want to miss the bus, you know.

That's right, you run along, Bert, and I'll phone Mrs. Finlay and tell her that

I've found $20 on the sidewalk.

That is, if the poor dear has the strength to lift the phone.

Ta -ta, love.

Nog attack here.

Put 60 bucks on gentlemen.

Hello, Maud. Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Those fingers in my hair That sly come hither

stare That strips my conscience bare It's witchcraft

It's Walter.

Yes, Maude? Who do we know who lives at 628 Grand Street, apartment 2A?

And there is no defense for it. The heat is too intense for it. What good would

common sense for it do?

Are you telling me Frank Sinatra lives at 628 Grand Street?

Maude, who cares?

Oh, now, please, Walter, Walter.

Let's not start anything that we can't finish before Eyewitness News team comes

on.

Let him watch.

Look, Walter, Walter, Mrs.

Naugatuck left this number over near the telephone. I thought it might be a

message for you.

Maude, I've been thinking about you all the way home from the store.

Doesn't that give you a little thrill?

No.

Because I know why you're excited.

Today is the first of the month.

which means that you've just turned over a new page on your Playboy calendar.

Come on, now. Cool down, tiger.

Just bite your knuckle and think of Forrest Tucker. That should do it.

It's Burt Beasley.

Listen, Mrs. Naugatuck told me this morning that Bert has learned to read

because he's terribly deaf.

And listen, he is very, very sensitive about it, so act as if nothing's wrong.

Okay, Maude.

Well, if...

I just cooked it and I thought you might like to share it with me.

Bert, that must have... Bert, that must have been

very expensive.

That was very nice of you.

We appreciate it.

You know what they say.

Fish is brain food.

And I think I got this one here just in time.

Maude, Walter, listen. You've got to do something about Mrs. Nogatuck. I just

found out... Arthur, now is not the time. They have a guest.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, Arthur, Viv.

I'd better take this out and put it in the oven to keep it warm.

That was very thoughtful of Bert, wasn't it?

Viv, why are we talking?

It's Bert.

He's very sensitive about it, but he is deaf as a post.

Who said I'm deaf?

Look at this. You mean you're not?

Certainly not.

And I can hear jello getting hard.

And another thing I'd like explained.

I put out good money for a salmon to keep the fiddlies from death's door.

What do I find cooking in the oven? A prime rib roast.

Bert, did Mrs.

Naugatuck by any chance borrow money from you because she said we needed

Starving was the way she put it.

And she told me about Mr. Finley's business going bust.

Walter, why didn't you come to me for help?

Arthur, there's nothing wrong with Walter's business.

Mrs. Naugatuck just made that up to get money from Bert.

That's right. She got $140 from me. She got over $100 from me.

I gave her $600. That's why Arthur was so upset. I'm sorry, Arthur.

Well, I have to admit she got to me, too.

She told me she needed donations for a new lobbying group.

Senior Citizens Against Socialized Medicine.

How much did she clip you for?

Four big ones.

Four?

Mrs. Finlay. Good evening, Bert.

Mrs.

Naugatuck, Bert can hear perfectly well.

Oh, Bert, it's a miracle.

You just hold it right there.

Perhaps you would like to clear...

Why, you borrowed $60 from Mrs. Harmon, over $100 from me, and $140 from poor

Bert. I know.

I can't believe that I...

I was getting.

And then my dreams started, all terrible dreams of being

very old and all alone and nowhere to stay, going through

trash cans looking for food.

I suddenly knew that I had to have money to protect me

from such a fate.

me that I was wrong, but my brain kept saying, money, money, money.

Oh, forgive me, everyone.

Please forgive me. I'm just very foolish.

Some place where I'm appreciated.

Some place where I'm comfortable. Some place where there aren't any turkeys.

I wonder where she is going.

Some place where there aren't any turkeys.

Maybe she's going to Chicken Delight.

Chicken Delight is either... You laugh at his joke and I'll never talk to you

again.

Walter, what did I do with that address I had before?

Oh, here it is.

Something's written on the back. Money for Harry.

Money for Harry. Now I see it. Oh, poor Mrs. Naugatuck. She's being ripped off.

What are you talking about? Oh, Walter, if you were a woman, you'd understand

immediately. Right, Viv? Oh, right. Money for Harry.

An apartment.

Obviously, she's keeping a man.

That's right.

Probably a much younger man.

A bronze blue -eyed lifeguard with a large whistle.

How do you know that?

Oh, Walter, because it's a despicable, terrible exploitation that every woman

over 40 dreams of.

Who is he and where is he?

He's probably half your age. Who is he? We're never going to get anywhere this

way. I demand to know who he is. One at a time.

I'll go first.

Very well.

All right.

Who is he?

Who is who?

Whoever it is you're talking to.

Oh, come off it.

Look, I am going to look through that dresser drawer. Do you know what I'm

to find?

Men's clothes.

Is Harry English?

Just a flippin' minute.

You come here to my flippin' place, accuse me of all sorts of flippin'

and the flippin' fact is that I flippin' well took this place so that I... could

get one flippin' day off a week from the flippin' Finlay's.

What the flip are you talking about?

I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I borrowed the money to play the horses so

that I could get some furniture for this place and still have some money over to

pay back all you turkeys.

But this is true. Why didn't you tell me before?

Well, because I knew you'd get into a big fat tizzy and be all upset.

I am upset. I am very upset.

What's the matter with your room at our house?

Nothing. But it's not mine.

That's all.

Do you mean that we Findleys don't respect your privacy?

Why, you know that your room there is sacrosanct, inviolate.

Yes, ma 'am. But it's yours.

Don't you understand, ma 'am?

that this is the only place in the world that's mine.

Just for me, nobody else.

Why, do you know, if I want to, I can cook a poached egg in the morning stark

naked.

I probably wouldn't, but at least I'd have the choice.

Well, I'm sure if you'd like to cook poached eggs stark naked, although I

them over easy...

I'm sure that we would all agree to close our eyes.

But what can you really do here that you can't do in my house?

Pick you out.

Don't get upset, ma 'am. It was only to prove a point that if it's yours...

You can even kick out someone you love.

Oh, Mrs. Naugatuck.

You know, I understand.

I really do understand.

We all need a little corner for ourselves. And if your corner needs

where you don't have to play the horses, I'd be delighted to lend you the money.

Oh, thank you, ma 'am.

Thank you.

Why don't you stay over for a while?

You could be my first guest.

Oh, well, that would be very nice. Come on.

Sit down in my favorite chair.

We'll just sit and be chums and watch the telly together.

Wonderful.