All language subtitles for Maude s04e03 Rumpus in the Rumpus Room

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider, she
didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her,
she was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner, ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh yeah!

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's more!

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything
but tranquilizing. Right or not.

Billion congratulations on your second
anniversary.

I love the way you fixed up the rumpus
room.

Oh, well, thank you, Reverend.

But if you'll excuse me just a minute, I
was fighting with my husband. I mean, I

was talking with my husband.

Excuse me.

Arthur, dear.

Arthur. Arthur Harmon, you are drinking
too much. Enough, enough, enough.

Please. Not in front of the guests.

And besides that, how could you?

How could I what?

How could you be so stupid as to invite
two people who are getting a divorce to

the same party?

Hi, Charlie.

Hi, Charlie.

Oh, humps, Vivian.

I say custard, mustard, and humps.

Hump yourself.

How could you be so idiotic as to invite
Walter to our anniversary party when

you knew very well I'd invited Maude? I
knew.

You twit.

Twit? Yes.

Mrs. Holman. Oh, your rumpus room looks
ever so festive. Well, thank you, Mrs.

Nogatuck, and I do appreciate your
coming over to help us this evening, but

you'll excuse me just now, I'm having a
fight with my twit.

He just informed me that he invited Mr.

Findlay here this evening.

You mean that neither Mr.

Findlay nor Mrs. Findlay know the other
one's coming? Exactly.

Twit!

Mr. Harmon, you really are a twit.

Oh, poor Maude. She's going to be so
embarrassed.

Serves her right.

Hi there, Doris. Hi, Doris.

If she hadn't insisted on running for
the State Senate against Walter's

they wouldn't be living apart at each
other's throats.

They'd be together at each other's
throats.

Sir, she only wants a career, a chance
to grow and be somebody.

Why does she have to grow and be
somebody?

Why can't she be like you?

The wife of a twit?

That's the funniest punchline to a story
I've heard in years.

The wife of a twit.

How do you think Walter's going to feel
when he sees Maude with Senator Myers?

Vivian.

Are Marty and Senator Myers, you know,
as the kids say, making out?

Don't be silly. He's a senator.

Senators don't do things like that.

He's just advising Maude with her
campaign, you twit.

Is that Maude?

Either that or the foundation's
cracking.

What do President Ford and Henry
Kissinger have in common?

Neither of them speaks English.

Oh, Vivian Arthur.

Happy, happy anniversary.

Thank you, Morgan.

Oh, look, vote for Maude. I'd love that.

Bob, I'd like you to meet my two dearest
friends in the whole world, Viv and Dr.

Arthur Harmon.

This is Bob Myers, Senator Bob Myers.

He jogs five miles every day.

Ten on Sunday.

After church, of course.

Isn't that fascinating?

A religious health nut.

Doctor? Senator!

Do you know something?

You're the cutest senator I ever met.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Arnold.

Maybe you're right, Arthur. Maybe they
do make out.

Hey, Senator, where are all those funny
X's on top of your head?

Oh, I'm glad you asked me. Those aren't
X's. Those are hair.

Those are hair transplants that the
Senator has had sewn to his scalp. Had

personal pain to him. For the old
charisma, you know.

As if he needed it. A man in his
physical condition.

Do you know that he confided in me that
he has never, ever coughed in his entire

life? Really? Except, of course, during
his annual physical checkups.

Hey, Senator, how much did those
transplants run you in Washington?

How about those D .C. bandits charge you
$50 a follicle?

Oh, Senator, pay no attention to my
twitty old husband.

I think your pretend hair looks very
nice.

Pussycat, don't you think you'd better
watch your drinking?

Yeah, better. I just took my eye off it
and it's empty already.

Hey, Fuzzy, come on, I'll buy you one.

All right.

I think I'll have a Republican drink.

How do you make a Republican drink?

Elect a Democrat.

Do you know that he does 200 push -ups
every night before he goes to sleep?

I'll bet.

Maude, come here just a minute. I've got
to tell you something.

Reverend McAllister, here, pin this on
your collar.

Maude, would you stop campaigning long
enough for me to tell you something?

My doll!

Oh, Judy, I'm sorry.

How is that toe?

You know, I haven't seen you since you
accidentally shot yourself at the gun

control center.

Hi, Maude.

Maude. Maude, now.

Now.

Susan! Hi, Susan.

You know, Vivian, Senator Bob has been
mentioned as a possible dark horse

candidate for the Democratic
presidential nomination.

Really? Right behind Kennedy and Jackson
and Muskie and Harris.

And Carter and Humphrey and Benson and
Wallace and

McGovern.

Askew and Sanders.

And Brown and McCarthy and Assemblyman
Julius Weinglatt of Duluth, Minnesota.

But the smart money is split between Bob
and Julius.

Listen,

listen.

Arthur invited Walter here tonight.

Walter? Walter. Your Walter.

Well, I certainly didn't think you meant
Mrs. Cronkite's Walter.

I love him.

Walter is coming here? Yes. This is
really great. This is really great,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I know how upset you are, Ma,
but at least just think, when Walter

sees that gorgeous senator, he will die.
He'll just absolutely die. Vivian, do

you think I'm interested in making
Walter jealous? It's my life we're

about, Vivian. This isn't some 1940
movie.

Hey, Walter Finley, you old...

Oh, he's here. Now that's Walter.

Vivian, Vivian, there is no need to
panic. I'll simply just get lost in the

crowd. He probably won't even notice me.

What's happening?

Oh, nothing, nothing. The man who's
coming in is Walter.

Norman! Walter, how are you? Norman!

Norman!

This is Kathy Griffiths. This is Norman
Johnson. How are you? Nice to meet you.

What a crazy rumpus room. It looks like
the ladies' lounge at Trader Vic's.

Isn't she sensational?

What do you think of him, Bob?

Oh, he's all right.

I think he brought his daughter.

He doesn't have a daughter.

Does he have a niece?

Yes. I think he brought his niece.

She better be three years old.

Oh, good evening, Mr.

Finlay. Mrs. Noggett, Doug.

Some rum punch for the child.

I'll pass.

You, Walter?

Oh, I don't drink, Kathy. I have a
problem. I'm a reformed alcoholic.

Isn't that nice?

Mrs. Finley's been married to four of
those so far.

Happy anniversary.

Thank you very much. I want you to meet
Kathy.

Hi.

Isn't she sensational?

She's... That's my mother.

I told you, I told you. Walter, listen.
Arthur, it's okay.

Kathy, I want to introduce you to a
great lady.

Hello, Mort.

Walter, I had no idea.

How are you? Very well, thank you,
Walter.

What? Walter?

Well, look who's not here with each
other.

Mort, this is Kathy Rivers. Kathy, this
is my wife.

Was my wife.

Kathy Rivers, Walter Findlay. This is
Senator Bob Myers.

He jogs 20 miles a day.

Walter?

Maude tells me that you're in
appliances.

You know, my staff has been doing a
survey, and I'd like your opinion.

Which is the best hairdryer?

You know, Kathy, Walter and I are
separated. We're living apart.

We're going to have a divorce, but we're
still very good friends.

Oh, I think that's really wholesome. It
really is.

You know, Walter and I live in the same
building, but we just met a couple of

hours ago in the elevator.

The elevator?

Yes. Oh, but don't worry.

I mean, even though the vibes are great,
we haven't even discussed living

together.

You haven't even discussed... Disgust
living with each other and you've known

each other for a... Oh, you must feel
terribly rejected.

Hey, it's really stupid the way you're
so up front with your hostility.

I can really get into that because I
believe in total honesty.

You know I believe in total honesty,
too.

Far out.

Hubba hubba.

That's 1945 for far out.

Listen to me. If we're really being
honest with each other, why did you and

Walter split up?

Kathy, if I level with you, can you
handle an honest, gut

-level answer?

Sure.

I came home one night and found him in
bed with a horse.

that it is nobody's business what two
consenting mammals do in the car.

Hey, lady.

You've got a lot to learn about being
honest.

Listen, honey. When you're 49 with a
facelift behind you and a long -line bra

front of you, then I'll be honest.

You two have a nice talk? Oh, groovy.

Extraordinarily groovy.

Oh, Walter. Can I have your keys? I left
my organic wine in the car.

Organic wine?

Yes, Walter?

Oh, nothing.

Look, you two must have a lot to talk to
each other about.

Reverend McAllister.

Senator.

You've been seeing a lot of the senator?

Oh, now, look, Walter, just because the
man jogs 35 miles a day... He simply is

helping me out with my campaign.

Well, he just doesn't seem your type,
but then politics makes strange

bedfellows.

So does your elevator.

Come on, Maud. There's no reason to be
jealous. Look, I don't want to start any

of this. Maud. Walter, I don't want to
go through this again. The bitterness.

Walter, just because we meet this way,
you with a mousketeer. Maud.

I mean, now you're insanely jealous
because I'm here with this terribly

attractive senator who jogs 50 miles a
day.

You're talking about the American bald
eagle over there?

Look who's talking about hair.

What's wrong with my hair? I paid 20
bucks for this hairstyling.

It's called the Napoleon cut.

That purse you're carrying, you could
pass as Josephine.

Come on now, Walter, stop making a fool
of yourself. Oh, Maud!

If I want to wear my hair this way, I'll
wear it this way.

If I want to wear my...

I'm so happy to see the fiddlers
together.

112, 113, 14, 115,

116. Oh, excuse me, sir. Excuse me,
Senator.

But there's a call for you from New York
City.

It's collect.

It must be from the mayor.

you and Kathy.

You know what I mean.

Does she like old geezers?

Come on, Arthur. She's just a kid.

I feel like a jerk being with Kathy and
finding Maude here.

Oh, look at the bright side.

You could be here with Maude and find
Kathy here.

It isn't funny, Arthur. I need Maude
desperately.

Hey, Walter. I'm just holding it. I'm
just holding it.

to see the Chavez.

Me too.

I love his orchestra.

Wow, I'd like to smoke while you're
drinking.

I saw Walter and I wanted to get close
to him and then I ended up doing exactly

the opposite.

Ward, I want to apologize for upsetting
you before.

Would you excuse me, please? I have to
go and count the stairs.

Walter, what are you doing with that
drink?

What drink?

Oh, nothing. I'm just holding it. It
makes me feel comfortable.

Mort, the last thing I wanted to do
tonight was upset you.

Because I love you and I miss you. Oh,
Walter, that's exactly the way I feel.

Please put that down, Walter.

If we both feel that way, then why are
we apart?

Walter, I keep asking myself that same
question. Why are we apart?

Why are we doing this to each other? Why
is Walter so unreasonable?

Me? Oh, Walter, for once in my life I've
been asked to do something worthwhile,

something important. And what do you do?
You walk out on me. I didn't walk out,

Maude. You drove me out. I drove you
out? Walter, I asked you to come to

with me if I win this election.

Sure. And what about my life here? And
how about my life, Walter?

You know, Mort, I can't go on with this
anymore.

I mean, no matter how hard I try, it
always ends up the same.

There's no sense talking to you. There's
no sense talking to me, Walter? There's

no sense talking about us to save our
marriage?

That's right, Walter. Go ahead. Go back
to your braless wonder.

But remember this, Walter. The bigger
they are, the harder they fall.

Viv.

Viv.

Viv, how long has Walter been off the
wagon?

Oh, just about as long as it took him to
drain that glass.

Walter, why are you doing this?

Well, I suddenly realized I never
toasted our next state senator, Maude

Please, let go. Vivian, I have to go.
No, you're too upset. Now, besides,

Arthur's with me. Please, I could never
face myself if I didn't at least try,

Viv. Walter, pal, listen.

Alcohol is poison to you.

What do you think you're doing?

Arthur.

Maude.

A pertinent piece of poetry.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Arthur, would you mind?

No, not at all.

Mr.

Findlay? Yes, Mrs. Findlay?

Or should I say ex -Mrs. Findlay? Or
semi -ex -Mrs. Findlay?

Walter, what are you doing?

What does it look like? I'm wetting my
whistle. Would you like me to wet yours?

Walter.

Let's talk about it. Oh, go sit in your
seat in the tent.

Walter, how can I help you if we don't
talk?

You can't.

Hey, that suddenly makes me feel good.

Telling you there's something you can't
do because you think you can do

everything. No, I don't, Ward. Yes, you
do, Ward, everything. You know, like run

for office, move to Albany, live without
me, walk around with a dry whistle.

It hasn't been proven that I can live
without you, Walter. You shouldn't be

drinking. When I want advice, I'll write
to my senator.

And until you're elected, leave me
alone, okay?

Hey, Kathy!

Kathy!

Let's go someplace and play wiffle ball.

Wiffle ball? Hey, that's heavy.

Happy anniversary to all!

I'm going with Walter. He needs me to
take care of him.

Arthur,

you're not in such great shape yourself.

Vivian, I am a medical doctor.

I have an extremely high tolerance for
alcohol.

Oh, Maude.

Don't worry.

Remember... Remember, God protects fools
and drunks.

Boy, you're really going to have your
hands full tonight.

Hey, I wonder what happened to Kathy You
lost her in a football game

Is that an eight or a three?

That's a five.

Then this is it.

Have a terrific time up here with the
young chicks, huh?

Do you lure them up here with your
tight, hip -hugger slacks?

Huh? You turn the lights down low?

And then when you're kissing them up, do
they whisper those sweet youth things

in your ear?

Like, uh, keep on truckin'!

the keys in the lock. Thank heaven. That
means he got home all right.

You know, he always leaves his key in
the lock, even when he's sober.

It's a bad habit, you know, like some
people crack their knuckles or clean

ears with a pencil.

Incidentally, Walter does, too.

Are you all right?

Look, I'm just going to take the keys,
drop them off in there, make sure that

he's in no trouble, and then we'll go,
okay?

Do you want some help?

If you don't mind, Bob.

He is such a...

I'm

sorry, Maude.

Well, at least when he took her to bed,
he... Wanted her to be as tall as I am.