Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to age of that she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That'll

compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right or not?

Oh, Kirk, forgive me. Oh, please.

Don't leave me.

If you leave me, I'll kill myself.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry the father of our child is your brother.

Kirk, you've got to forgive me. Forgive us.

Do you suffer from irregularity?

Did I have a bad day?

You've had a bad day.

Grace Wilson's threatened to shoot herself.

And the Wentworth mansion's been looted and their daughter ravished.

Oh, you were watching the six o 'clock news.

No, it was called The Bold and the Bashful.

Oh, the television really takes a lot out of you.

You think you're exhausted?

I must have shown one couple 14 houses today.

Everything he liked, she hated, and everything she liked, he detested.

What happened in the end?

They decided to get a divorce.

Oh, I'm telling you, Mrs. Naugatuck, all I want to do is collapse on this sofa

and spend a quiet evening at home. A quiet evening in this house?

Fat chance.

All right, I want an explanation, and I want it right now.

All right.

Let me see.

The Wentworth Mansion was looted and their daughter ravished.

Where's Vivian? Search me, Arthur. I've been out all day. I don't understand it.

I came home early to surprise her. I walked in the front door. I stretched

my arms. I shut my eyes. I got a big kiss from her dog, Chuck.

That dog has a lot of courage.

You don't understand, Marty. If Vivian is not here, then she's missing.

Oh, come on, Arthur. She's probably out shopping.

It's impossible.

I haven't given her this week's allowance yet.

Look, I want you to look at this.

Just look at this that I found.

Look at that.

Oh, Arthur, you made a bunny rabbit.

That is an undone sock.

And this, this is my dress shirt she was supposed to iron for the medical board

meeting tomorrow.

Now, something is wrong.

Vivian just wouldn't go off without doing her appointed chores for the day.

Her appointed chores for the day.

Arthur, you're a credit to the 18th century.

Marty, I'm serious.

Vivian wouldn't just go anyplace without telling me.

Where can she be? Oh, come on, Arthur. I'm sure there's a very simple

explanation. She's probably at the beauty parlor having her hair tinted.

Vivian dyes her hair?

No, Arthur, the good fairy waves a magic wand over it.

Now, I know she's not at home, Arthur, but there has to be some logical

explanation. You're right. Of course I am. Something terrible must have

happened. Oh, Arthur.

I'm calling the police. Arthur!

Arthur, now come on, now stop that. Arthur!

Woman, unhand me.

Police, this is an emergency.

Put me on hold.

No! Now listen, fella.

I'm a taxpayer, and I demand action.

No dumb flatfoot is good.

Yeah, I'd be glad to give you my name and address.

Hi, everybody.

John Smith from Cincinnati.

QB, doll.

My sweet bread, you don't know how worried I've been about you. Martha, my

goodness. I don't know what you're talking about. I just spent the day with

Vivian, did you really? Yes, I did, Mom. I did, I did.

You spent the day with a cow?

Oh, Arthur, not a cow.

C -O -W.

Cow. Congress of Women. Cow.

Well, I must say it's named appropriately.

I know, Arthur. We formed cow to get equal rights from its male counterpart.

Bull.

Oh, Arthur, I just had a delightful time.

Mud, it was just so exciting, and I just feel so vital and so alive.

I mean, imagine me, Vivian Harmon, working for women in politics. Tell me,

what did you do there?

Oh, gosh.

Oh, I made coffee, and I licked envelopes.

You know, my tongue is still all gluey. It just feels wonderful.

Vivian, you mean that's all you did?

Oh, no, of course not. That was just in the morning. I spent all... talking to

all those women about our problem.

Women's problems?

What problems do women have?

Vivian, a person does not just run out on her wifely duties.

Did you see that?

Oh, he made a bunny rat.

Vivian, what would happen if I just suddenly decided to discuss men's

in the middle of an operation?

It would probably save a life.

Ma, this is all your fault. You've brainwashed this poor thing. Oh, Arthur,

on. Now, you should be proud. Why should I be proud?

Hey,

I want to say something, damn it!

Dad!

Vivian!

Do you realize that's the first time I've ever heard you use a, uh, letter

Arthur, four is a dirty word.

Of course. Arthur, Vivian has as much right to swear as you have. And she also

has just as much right to say anything she wants to.

Now, come on, Viv. What was it you wanted to say?

Oh, I forgot.

Well, I haven't forgot what I wanted to say.

When I married you, Vivian, you were a lovely, tender, gentle woman with

untinted hair.

Now you're changing.

You're slowly turning into everything that's opposite to that.

You're turning into another Maude.

What? Go to...

Arthur,

I just remembered what I wanted to say.

I had a very nice time, Arthur, and I'm not ashamed.

You hear that? On account of you, she is not even ashamed. Now, don't blame

Maude. I just wanted to get out of the house for the day, so I did. What's

with that?

I'll bet he has an answer.

Where are you missing?

Not telling me.

Not ironing my shirt.

I'll tell you this, Vivian.

My first wife, Agnes, would never have gone out and left the house the way you

did. No, the only way Agnes could get out of the house was to die.

How dare you?

I'll bet you wouldn't say that if Agnes was standing here now.

Where are you going?

I'm going home, and I want you there, too.

And, Vivian, I'm wearing those socks tomorrow, and my toes had better not be

touching leather.

ready, Arthur.

Vivian! I know, I know. I guess maybe I just haven't made it all the way yet.

Don't you understand what you accomplished today?

I can't talk about it now. I have to go.

Vivian, don't you want to be a liberated woman? Yes, Mud, I do, and I pray to

God I'll make it. I just pray to God I make it. Vivian, if you want to be a

liberated woman, you cannot hide behind God's skirt.

I don't want to.

All right, Vivian.

I lived without a wife for many years.

I am perfectly able to take care of myself.

Ow!

No,

no, don't bother me. No, besides, kissing doesn't help.

No, it doesn't. I'm a doctor. I know those things.

It can't hurt.

Yes, it can.

Kissing spreads germs.

Anything I don't need right now, it's a burnt finger full of germs.

And if you want to know the truth, I don't give a tinker's ding -dong about

finger.

So that's what it's come to, huh?

A tinker's ding -dong.

It's a pretty picture.

A devoted husband forced into ironing his own shirt while his foul -mouthed

stands around swearing like a... Arthur, that's the whole trouble. All you ever

think of me as is your wife.

Well, what's wrong with being my wife? Oh, nothing, nothing. I love... being

your wife, Arthur, and I love you, but you won't even let me show you. You

even let me kiss your finger. All right, go ahead, kiss it. I'm not in the mood

anymore.

You see?

You see? Arthur, Arthur, come here and listen to me. Now listen, listen.

Besides being your wife, Arthur, all I want is a little independence, a little

freedom to do what I feel.

And say what I think. And maybe once in a while to win an argument.

Vivian, you win all kinds of arguments.

Oh, no, I don't. Oh, yes, you do. No, no, I don't. Oh, yes, you do, and that's

the last word I want to hear on this subject.

I just lost another one.

That wasn't an argument.

I was right and you were wrong. I was merely pointing out the error of your

ways.

I used to do that all the time with Agnes.

God rest her soul.

Arthur, you are in...

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm trying to shake some sense into you.

Vivian, I'm your husband.

You're my wife.

And each of us has his duties.

been before.

You seem to have a question.

I do, just one. Would you mind shaking me a teensy -weensy bit more?

pass at you.

And what do you mean, work?

Well, I mean, it's... I don't want to discuss it anymore.

Here, mend this shirt.

All right, Arthur.

Afterwards.

Vivian, your behavior is very unfeminine. Is that what you want?

No, no, Arthur. All I want is a little equality.

You mean you want to act like I do when I'm in the mood?

Go take a cold shower.

Together.

You are not the woman I married.

You are not the woman I married at all.

You have changed, and I find it very unsettling.

Arthur, I'm just trying to change for the better. In one short afternoon,

changed. from a sex kitten into a tomcat.

Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going?

Arthur, Arthur, Arthur, you're not going to the cemetery to talk to Agnes again.

Vivian, please.

I have a great deal of thinking to do about our entire relationship.

For crying out loud, who could that be at one o 'clock in the morning? Walter,

stop talking about it and get the door. Get it yourself!

Walter! Okay, okay, you're right.

Maybe I'd better get it. After all, you're the woman.

I'm the woman, Walter? I have to say it. I'm the woman, Walter? What does that

mean? For crying out loud, you want to talk women's liver? You want me to

the door?

I'm coming, I'm coming!

I got a gun! Who is it?

Vivian!

Vivian?

My marriage is in terrible trouble.

Oh, there, there, there, honey. That's what marriage is all about.

Mine is really falling apart.

You had to wake us up at one o 'clock in the morning just to tell us that?

Walter. We don't go waking them up at one o 'clock in the morning and ours

apart every night of the week.

There, there.

Walter, would you please put away the pistol? You know how I feel about that.

fight and he walked out.

Where'd he go?

Oh, I think he went to the cemetery to commune with Agnes. That was over six

hours ago.

Six hours? That's more than he talked to her the whole time she was alive.

Honey, tell me, what were you fighting about?

Well, we were arguing over what happened this afternoon and Arthur started to

shake me and he shook me and he shook me and...

And I suddenly saw a side of him I'd never seen before, Maude, and it

me, if you know what I mean.

Awakened? You mean you were asleep while you were arguing?

Walter, go sit in the corner.

So then I made what Arthur considered to be a loose... and he got even more

upset just because I had the urge for... funsies.

Now, look, Vivian, you're a liberated woman. Don't call it funsies. Call it

it is.

That's right, Vivian. We call it whoopee.

How about a drink, Vivian?

in this mess.

I should have stayed the old Vivian. I should have stayed the old dutiful,

submissive Vivian.

Vivian, that is blasphemy.

That's easy for you to say. You're not married to Arthur.

Vivian, anything's easy to say when you're not married to Arthur.

No, now come on. Viv, this is important.

Your survival as a free -spirited human being is at stake. Don't you understand?

Try to keep it down. Sleep tight, Mrs. Nagata. Sleep tight?

That's not a bad idea.

Viv, you were saying?

Oh, I don't know, Maude. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I should have stayed home

darned his thoughts. Bite your tongue, Vivian. Honey, if you give in now,

going to be Arthur's slave for the rest of your life. Maude.

Now, you stay out of this, Walter. This is between Arthur and Vivian. Then what

are you butting in for? Because the sides are not evenly matched. Now, butt

Now, wait a minute, Walt.

Not all women are like you.

Some women love to be dominated. So let Arthur and Vivian live their own lives

and don't ruin a marriage. I am not ruining a marriage, Walter. I am saving

for Arthur and Viv. And you know as well as I do, Walter Finley, that no

marriage can be happy without equality.

Maybe you can.

We're not talking about our marriage.

and be the person I want to be, then I'm going to have to resolve it myself.

Just me. Nobody else.

Did you hear that, Walter?

Vivian, that's the spirit, baby. You've come a long, long way.

I'm going to go out there. I'm going to settle this with Arthur right now.

Maud. Yes.

Do you think this is a little bit too much bazoom for the cemetery?

didn't have some real trouble.

That's right.

Every time I have a problem to solve and I'm looking for a place to think, I

always seem to end up here.

Well, sooner or later, we all end up here.

Hey, Bert, how do you feel about all this stupid women's liberation stuff?

Ah, you're spitting against the wind, Doc.

Oh, yeah?

Sure. You see, what's happening with the women today ain't a movement. It's a

tidal wave.

And it comes from here.

And nobody's been able to stop it coming from here.

It's like...

Trying to stop a burp when you've eaten a radish.

The more you try to keep it in, the louder it comes out.

Now, who could that be?

I just hope it's somebody trying to get in instead of out.

Arthur? Vivian!

Arthur?

Bert, this is my wife.

Hello. How do you do?

You excuse me.

Vivian, what are you doing here?

Looking for you. What are you doing here?

Well, I'm just... Talking to Agnes. Of course I was not talking to Agnes. What

kind of a freak do you think I am?

All I know is every time we have an argument, instead of staying and talking

me, you always come here to talk to Agnes. That is not true.

I do not talk to Agnes.

I used to come here for comfort when Agnes first died. Now I just come here

think.

And to talk to Bert, who happens to know more about life than anybody I know.

not here to talk about Bert. I'm here to talk about us.

Vivian, this is not the place to talk about us. This is the perfect place to

talk about us. It is not.

I mean, it is not.

And I'll tell you another thing.

When I was married to Agnes, I never had any of these problems.

Until the day she died, she never once raised her voice to me.

Not even when I accidentally cut off her oxygen.

Listen to me, listen. See, I'm Vivian Harmon.

Woman, wife, human being, bridge expert, captain of my high school girls' soccer

team for four years, and class valedictorian, Arthur. I'm all those

more, more. But, Arthur, most of all, I'm me.

Vivian, I never told anybody that you weren't you.

see what you felt when I shook you last evening. You are?

You are?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, if I have the right to those feelings, so do you.

Arthur, are you saying that the way to a man's mind is through his sex drive?

Uh, no.

I'm beginning to understand.

Arthur, for the first time in our married life, I feel we're equal.

Yeah.

Let's go home and really shake each other.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.