Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. La, la, la,

La, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la. Mr. Naugatown, will you please hurry it up?

I have to leave for my sales meeting. I haven't even finished packing yet.

All right, all right. Don't get your trousers in a twit.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take this little chap and give him a

few drops of alcohol.

Then we'll have a potted plant.

She's in love, she's in love, she's in love, she's in love.

She's in love with a wonderful...

Who's in love with a wonderful guy, Mort? Certainly not me.

Thank you, sweetheart. Right on time with my morning insult.

Walter, I am so excited. I am so excited.

Carol had another date last night with that same man she's been seeing for

weeks. Who's the lucky guy? She hasn't told me yet, but, Walter, it's very

important. Honey, this could be it. She has seen him every night for the past

two weeks.

Thursday night, she didn't get in until 2 o 'clock. Friday night, it was 2 .30.

Saturday and Sunday, well after 4. And Lord only knows what time she got in

night. Oh, it has to be love, Walter. She's ruining her health.

Marilyn, love, that's wonderful. Where is she?

She must still be asleep. She probably can't tear herself away from her dream.

Honey, I forgot.

My, you're getting tall.

Shows what a little fertilizer will do.

This is no guitar.

Not you, Mum.

Him. You have to talk to plants, you know, so they'll grow.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Naugatuck. You can't make things grow by talking to them. Who

says? Who says?

Dick Cavett had a talk show for three years and never grew an inch.

Here it is.

We got a postcard from Philip. He is having a ball up in Vermont.

Boy, Carol will be so happy to see this. I'm going to slide it under her door so

she sees it as soon as she wakes up. I'll take it up. I have to finish

Oh, okay. Now, listen, honey.

Honey, please, sweetheart, don't disturb her. The poor child needs her sleep.

Boy, does she need her sleep.

Uh, Carol, honey, aren't you overdressed a bit to go out for the morning paper?

Mother, I'm not going out for the morning paper. I'm just getting in.

All right, come on. Come on, come on, come on, Carol.

Don't you have a little news for me?

was the best night of your life.

Yes, Mother, because last... Because last night he told you he loved you and

you're going to get married.

Carol, I said because last night he told you he loved you and you're going to

get married.

Mother, where were you last night? In the back seat of his car?

No, but I suspect you were.

happier than that day I accidentally stepped on Philip Spiro Agnew watch.

Mrs. Naugatuck, Mrs. Naugatuck, my baby daughter is in love.

Oh, God bless you, dear.

She's in love. She's in love. I already sang that.

Oh, honey, come on. Now tell me all about it. I want to hear everything. I

want you to leave out one single solitary thing. Come on now, tell me all

it.

Harold, that's my favorite name.

Harold.

Harold and Carol.

They rhyme.

Oh, Carol, I'm so excited. I don't know what to do.

Yes, I do know what to do.

Yes, I do know.

Carol.

This is for you.

You're giving me Grandma's bond?

On the day you marry.

Oh, honey, this is my most prized possession.

It's been in my family for generations. Your great -grandmother gave it to

Grandma, and Grandma gave it to me, and now I'm giving it to you, my

daughter, the future Mrs.

Harold. What's his name?

Carol, you haven't told me what Harold's last name is.

It's Harold Loftus.

Harold Loftus.

She just couldn't stand the excitement of you giving her a son -in -law.

She's also given me a daughter -in -law. Harold Loftus is married.

The hell with Grandma!

At least she doesn't have to clear up the...

It's you I'm interested in. Oh, no, Mother, Mother, it's all right. It's all

right. Harold and his wife have been separated for nearly a month. They're

getting a divorce.

Oh, come on. Harold and Marilyn will never get a divorce, and you know it.

get separated more often than most people change their socks.

They'll be back together within a week.

But it'll take us a year to get your heart back together, Carol.

Oh, Mother, stop the melodramatics.

Harold says this time they really are getting a divorce. Harold Loftus is a

womanizer. Every chance he gets, whenever we play canasta, he reaches

table and puts his hand on my knee.

And he doesn't do that just with me. He does it with less attractive women, too.

Like Harriet Krauss, who could win best of breed at the Tuckahoe Dog Show.

I know you would say anything to turn me against him, but I'm not going to

listen to you.

Harold is a sensitive, gentle man.

Oh, honey. All right.

Let's say that Harold is a sensitive, gentle man. But, honey, how could you do

this to Marilyn?

She's probably the nicest person on the face of this earth, Carol. Remember when

I was in the hospital with my hysterectomy? She was the first one who

a gift.

She brought me a book, which...

I thought it was such a sweet gesture, even if it was the joy of sex.

Carol, I am not going to let you break up their marriage.

Mother, the marriage is already shot.

Now, please, just butt out.

I mean, I know you're trying to help, but you can't be objective about this.

You're my mother.

Carol, I'm not only your mother, I am your friend, Carol, your best friend.

Well, you can't be my mother and my best friend, too. Yes, I can.

No, you can't. Don't contradict me, Carol. I'm your mother.

No, I don't need a mother right now. You say you're my friend, be my friend. All

right, I will speak to you as a friend.

Listen to your mother, Carol.

Knock it off.

Knock it off.

You can say that to me, Carol.

Me, who loves you, who cares for you, who is only interested in your welfare.

You tell me to knock it off? Yes.

And to think I threw 37 Tupperware parties so I could afford to get your

straightened.

There has to be some way to get through to you, Carol.

And I'm going to find out how.

Not a took. Am I so wrong?

Well, well, Carol, I know how you feel. I also know how she feels.

She thinks you're making a mistake, and she loves you too much to let that

happen. Well, what do you think?

Well, I can only say I was involved with a married man myself, and it

turned into a diabolical situation.

It was so diabolical. Why didn't you stop seeing him? Stop seeing him? I was

one he was married to.

I have finally figured it out. I know how to get through to you. I am going to

call Marilyn and let her tell you they're not getting a divorce. Mother,

you dare.

Now, Harold gave me his word, and that's enough for me.

The last thing I want is my mother calling my fiancé's wife.

I know we're living in an age when children are not supposed to listen to

parents. But, Mrs. Naugatuck, you've been around.

You know that I'm right. Will you please tell her what you think?

Yes, ma 'am.

Carol, I think your mother should not interfere.

Mrs.

Naugatuck, God will get you for that.

you should have hired a parrot.

Believe me, even with a parrot, the house would have been cleaner.

Well, a parrot would have done a better job talking to your daughter.

Butt out, Nogatuck.

Who are you to tell me to butt out? You're imp...

put that.

Now you see what you've done because of you? I just lost a housekeeper.

How can you blame that on me?

You're right. It's Harold Loftus' fault. You see, I told you he was no good.

Mother, I come home, I tell you I'm in love with someone. All I want is for you

to be happy for me and instead you're trying to...

out to be the happiest day of my life and you ruined it. You just ruined it.

Carol, I only did it for you.

Mother, I'm sick of this. I am sick of arguing. I'm sick of defending myself.

If I had any sense, I'd move out.

Carol, if you had any sense, you'd face up to the truth about Marilyn and

Harold. He is no good. He has been no good for her and he will be no good for

you. That doesn't...

Harold is moving out. She's furious.

What happened to she's in love with a wonderful guy?

The wonderful guy turned out to be, are you ready?

Harold Loftus. The one -handed canasta player?

I would love to stay and help you figure out something, but I got this plane to

catch. Oh, come on, honey. Do you really have to go?

I got to on the keynote speaker.

Well, I got an idea. Why don't you come along? Maybe my speech will cheer you

up. Oh, maybe so.

It's called, Can the Appliance Industry Weather the Economic Storm or Triple

-Digit Profits During Double -Digit Inflation?

Goodbye, sweetheart.

Well, I hope everything works out.

So long, sweetheart. I'll phone you.

I'll send for the rest of my things.

Good. They'll be out on the front lawn.

Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye, dear?

I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the plant.

I'll be back to pick up my things as soon as I find a place to stay. Carol,

Carol. Can't we talk it over? Please, Carol.

You're my daughter.

Mother, we've already talked too much. Goodbye.

What the hell do you know? You never had children.

Oh, Maud, I'm so glad you came over.

Listen, you make the salad. Come on, come on, come on. Keep your hands busy.

There.

Oh, Viv.

I know, I know.

Oh, Viv, my own daughter. I've driven her out of the house, Radishes.

My own daughter.

I know, I know.

I told her I didn't want to be a meddling mother. I just wanted to be her

friend, Green Pepper.

I know, I know.

Viv, I... I don't mind her leaving, but not under these conditions,

Bambooshoots.

Oh, Viv, I guess I'll just never learn to keep my big mouth shut.

I know, I know.

I love you dearly.

But one more I know I know, and so help me!

Carol told you? Yes, so I invited her to stay here.

Vivian! Just until I can find her an apartment.

Vivian, she is my daughter. And I'm the one who's in the real estate business.

All right, if that's the way you feel. She's looking for a little two -bedroom

place with a dining house. Oh, shut up.

I'm just trying to help.

It's sweet of you to try.

I know.

Vivian, it's not her fault. It's all my fault, all my fault.

All her life, I've told her three things.

I've told her never to take candy from strangers and never to eat hamburger in

drugstore and always wear clean underwear in case you get in an

accident.

The one thing I neglected to tell her about was Harold Loftus.

I think he's cute.

Vivian,

he's a lecher. He goes after anything in a skirt.

He made a pass at me once. That proves my point.

Listen, Maude, I think it's Carol's life and you have no right to interfere.

Oh, honey, I know that, Viv.

And if Harold were free to marry her, I would not be a meddling mother. I would

only be her friend. I would keep my feelings to myself.

Why don't you just call up Marilyn and ask her if she's going to give Harold a

divorce? Because Carol does not want her meddling mother to call Marilyn.

Oh.

Who are you calling?

Marilyn.

But, Maude, you just said... I lied.

Hello, Marilyn?

Maude Findlay.

No, dear, I'm... No, honey, I'm not sick. No, listen, I have something to

you. No, I'm perfectly all right.

I sound terrible?

I always sound terrible.

No, I... Marilyn, that won't be necessary.

Wouldn't you know it, she's on her way over to my house with chicken soup,

probably. Good luck. I hope things turn out well. Carol's such a sweet girl. She

really deserves the best. Oh, Vivian.

Vivian, I am so lucky to have a friend like you. Oh, honey,

someone... So understanding.

So sympathetic.

What the hell is she doing here?

I'm your new next -door neighbor.

You cheated a job. First my daughter, now my housekeeper. What are you running

here, Vivian? A home for wayward girls?

She insulted me.

That means she still loves me.

Oh, I know.

I know.

Carol?

No, babe, I found an apartment.

Sure you can help.

Okay, bring the station wagon. We'll load it up.

I love you, too.

Honey, you're back.

Hello, Mother.

Oh, Carol.

Oh, Carol, honey.

I'm so sorry I had that fight with you. Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're back.

But, Mother... Carol, you know, I was just remembering when you were six years

old and I gave you a nickel for the wishing well, and you threw it in the

and you said, I wish I could always live with my mommy.

Mother, I just came to get my things. I found an apartment. I want my nickel

back.

Oh, Carol, please, come back. Carol. Mother, I'm sorry, but I really have

up my mind.

Marilyn. Marilyn!

Oh, please, Lord, let her still be at home.

Nobody listens to me!

Hello, Marilyn. Marilyn, we must do this again sometime.

She said you wanted to...

to me. Yes, I wanted to talk to you and see if we could arrange it for another

time. But, but, Maude, I brought you a box of candy.

I, I, I really got it for my mother, but then I didn't want to come empty

-handed, so I erased her name from the card and put yours in. Can you tell?

Well, I can make out the O and just a part of the T. Look, uh, Marilyn, I do

have something to ask you, but I'm in a terrible rush. We don't have much time.

Mother, who is that?

Uh, nobody!

Let's talk in the kitchen.

Okay.

Look, Maude, I know why you asked me over here. Now, I can tell something is

bothering you. Look, you can tell me, Maude. I may be overly nice, but I'm

solid. I'm like a piece of the rock. Well, what I wanted to talk about,

is divorce.

Oh, Maude, you're getting another divorce.

Marilyn!

Marilyn, you are a saint and an angel, but you are beginning to get on my

nerves.

But I wanted to ask you, Marilyn, are you and Harold getting a divorce?

Well, to tell you the truth, Maude, I was going to give him a divorce, but

I found out he's running around with some floozy.

Floozy? I mean, really? What makes you... I mean...

Well, I mean, just because some girl is dating Harold doesn't mean that she's a

floozy. Maud, you're covering up.

On my honor... Maud, you're the floozy.

Me?

You don't have to lie to me, Maud. Really, I'm very understanding.

Here, have a piece of my mother's candy.

Now, thank you very, very much for the information.

Honey, I'm sorry I have to rush you, but I'm expecting 55 for dinner, and I have

to start peeling shrimp.

Just get out.

Harold!

Marilyn. Darling!

Come back later.

Yes, you're right, Marilyn. I am the floozy that Harold is having the affair

with. Marilyn!

you doing here?

Marilyn! Harold!

Ted and Alice, and I wish I were there.

Marilyn, I'm really sorry this had to happen this way.

Oh, good grief, she's the one.

Oh, no. Now, look, Marilyn, it is not Carol's fault. Believe me, she would not

hurt you for the world. Oh, Maude, do you think for one minute that I would

blame this innocent child?

Oh, never.

I'm much too nice for that.

Mother, how could you do this? Look, Carol, just listen.

Marilyn, Harold, are you or are you not getting a divorce?

Yes. No.

No? Yes.

Now, wait a minute, Mary. We settled this whole thing last Tuesday night.

Tuesday night?

You told me you play handball on Tuesday nights. I do.

Every Tuesday night, I stop by and see Marilyn first, and then I go play

handball. That's right.

First thing after breakfast on Wednesday morning.

You lied to me.

Honey, I have to see Marilyn on Tuesdays. It's the only time we have to

the divorce.

It takes you all night to discuss a divorce?

The way we discuss a divorce, yes.

Marilyn. Every Tuesday night, Marilyn, you really are too nice.

I don't believe this. You were cheating on me with your own wife?

Try to have a little understanding.

Understanding? Harold, you...

Carol, I'm telling you I'm getting a divorce.

Harold, do you think for one minute that I would give you a divorce now and let

you spoil that poor child's life?

I'm much too nice for that.

Harold?

Enjoy my mother's candy, Maude.

I'm back.

The quiet next door drove me crazy.

Even with all the windows open, I could barely hear the fighting over here.

Welcome back, Mrs.

Nogatuck. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the plant.

Want some coffee?

Yeah. Okay.

Sugar? One lump.

Carol, speaking of lump, honey, I have one in my throat.

So do I.

Oh, Mother, thank you.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.