Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really cooked.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Maude.

Mr. Paganini, please play my rhapsody.

And if you cannot play it, won't you sing it?

And if you can't sing it, you'll simply have to.

We'll do it just that way in the show. Walter.

What'd you think of my song?

Fine, fine.

How do you like my thermometer, Mort? Fine, fine, but honey, what'd you think

my song?

Fine, fine, but take a look at my thermometer!

What did you think of my song?

It's okay, Mort, but I thought that this telethon was supposed to be a tribute

to the movies.

Walter, for your information, this song is from Rhythm on the Range and was sung

by Martha Ray.

Walter, you are so obvious. Why don't you just come out and say that you don't

like my scot -dot -dotty out of what I do?

Are you kidding?

I married you for your scot -dot -dotty.

You are so hokey, and I love you for it.

Lloyd, Lloyd, don't worry. Take it from me. This telephone's going to be a big

success. Well, I hope so, Arthur.

Oh, here comes my co -chairman now. Marty Finley, this is Dr. Jameson, the

director of the Gallbladder Foundation.

great show we've got. He's a little nervous about the show.

Oh, Doc, that showbiz, opening night jitters.

But like gallstones, this too shall pass.

This is friendly.

Are we going to have some big stars around for you? Big stars?

Of course we are.

To begin with, we've got Yule Gibbon. Oh, Arthur, honey, I'm sorry.

Yule couldn't make it.

No, he's back home in Minnesota with a severe case of poison oak.

Got hold of a bad tree.

But let me tell you who we will have.

I mean, a really top entertainer. Are you ready? Star of stage, screen, and

television, Mark Spitz.

Mark Spitz? Mark Spitz is actually going to drink a glass of milk on this very

stage.

You can thank me for that.

Mark, hold me a favor.

I gave his manager a double discount on a hernia.

A double discount, doctor? It was a double hernia, doctor.

Excuse me, have you seen Maude? Oh, Maude. Oh, Maude, I'm so nervous.

I don't know how Dinah Shore does it day after day. I could never be a big

television star. I'm glad you feel that way, Vivian. Dinah was worried.

Yeah.

Well, as you can see, Lloyd, your gallbladder is in good hands.

Dr. Jamison, I tell you, this telethon cannot miss.

This is going to be the greatest tribute to the movie since the 1927 Tuckahoe

Film Festival.

Right. And when our thermometer there, see, goes over the $6 ,000 mark, we're

going to do our spectacular version of Hooray for Hollywood.

Hooray for Hollywood!

I assure you, Doctor, it's going to be better than that.

Carol! Hurry up, you're only got five more minutes to rehearse your number.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, I forgot. I've got to get on my mark.

And now, as our salute to all those Carmen Miranda musicals, here's Carol

the Tuckahoe Tippy Toe Dancers doing I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I like you very

much.

You see that when I feel your heart, my heart starts to beat, to beat so fast.

I, I, I, I, I like to, to hold you tight.

You are to, to, to, to, to be right.

If you want to give someone arms tonight, just make sure the arms you're

mine. Oh, I like your lips.

And I like your eyes.

Do you like my two hips?

See, see, see, see, see, see, see the moon above.

Way, way, way, way, way up in the blue.

See, see, see, see, see, see, see the moon above.

Now, be very careful of the hat. We're going to have it for breakfast tomorrow

with great fun.

Mrs. Finley, excuse me, I'm Ray Moser, station manager here at Channel 71.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not the least bit nervous, but...

I did stick my neck out for you people. You know, you're preempting our number

one rated show, the Perry Mason reruns.

Tonight was the most popular, the case of the moth -eaten mink.

Well, it'll be tough topping the moth -eaten mink, but I'll tell you, if

do slow down, we can always have Arthur Harmon nibble on his blue serge suit.

Yeah, she's here. Just a minute, please. Marty. Mark Spitzmanager.

Five minutes, everybody.

Five minutes to air time.

Hello, Norman.

What do you mean Mark can't make it?

He snowed in?

In Honolulu?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. You knew it was going to snow in

Honolulu?

Shut up, Arthur.

Mrs. Finley.

from this telethon. Please, Dr.

Jameson, you're forgetting we still have a stage full of talent.

That's right, Lloyd.

Like who?

Well, to begin with, this is Aldo Formica, who is in his second year at

Tony's Grotto, where his performance has literally thrilled millions.

What does he do? He spins pizzas in the window.

And this is Dick Winslow, the one -man band.

Hi, there. What do you want? Symphony? Jazz?

Rock? Yeah, and, uh, last but not least, this is Regis Bodine, who broke the

color line by appearing as the first black Santa Claus.

He does an extremely funky ho -ho -ho.

Hey, baby, what's happening?

Arthur, I think we're in trouble. No, Lord.

for Dr. Jamerson. Don't worry, Lois. I personally do a number that I guarantee

you every red -blooded American's gonna love.

Are we ready?

I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Yankee Doodle, do or die.

A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam.

Born on the 4th of July.

ride the pony.

There are thousands of people who

tremble and quiver with disease of the tummy, lungs, or the liver.

Americans give and never are gluttons. They share with the sick and they wear

their wind buttons.

The station is pulling out.

and gentlemen.

And welcome, welcome to your first annual telethon for...

as our mystery thermometer goes over the $6 ,000 mark,

we are going to salute the movies with the most

spectacular presentation of hooray for Hollywood ever presented.

And now, and now, and now, we'd like to salute that

perennial classic, Waterloo Bridge, in which a young soldier returns home

from...

has become a lady of the evening.

Soldier will be played by Walter Finley, Tuckahoe's most eminent appliance

dealer, and Mrs.

Nogatuck, that international favorite, will play the role of the hooker.

what if I was killed in action?

You look wonderful.

You certainly didn't let yourself go after you died.

I won't forget about the war. It was ghastly. I killed 200 of the enemy in

combat with my rifle, my bayonet, and sometimes with my bare hands.

Fancy that. And you being a chaplain, too.

Again?

I'm afraid love is a thing of the past for me.

You see, I was shot in the southern provinces.

Oh, well, it looks like a handshake instead of a kiss.

Yes. Where is the pizza twirling? Oh, Mr. Formica, you're on.

Now, look, we need a disease for our telethon.

I know this is a small telethon, but pink eye is a small disease.

Let's face it, Marty, all the really good diseases have been taken by the

Hollywood stars.

This can't go on. It's illegal.

You can't take money from people when you don't even know what the disease is.

Well, why not? Doctors do it all the time.

Wait. Five minutes. But if you haven't found a respectable illness to sponsor

this telethon, by then I'm yanking it and putting on Perry Mason.

Oh. Please, everybody, think, think. Put on your thinking caps. We need a

disease. I demand that somebody do something. Somebody, please. Arthur, why

don't you do something?

I am doing something. I'm demanding that somebody do something.

The picture man's been out there a long time. I think his finger's going.

Walter, I am the producer.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go out and make another speech for funds. I'm

sure he'll be here in just a few seconds. Listen, please keep phoning

come down with something. I mean, come up with something.

Come on, everybody.

Let's all pitch in and get a disease for Maud.

Thank you, thank you.

Mr. Formica, that was truly an inspired performance.

Ladies and gentlemen, Your response has been heartwarming. And please remember

that every penny you pledge goes to fight a malady that could attack your

husband, your wife, or even someone you love.

Oh, oh, good, good. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, you

heard of that famous singer and songwriter, Mr.

Paul...

Well, your mystery telethon is proud to present in person, tonight, on this

very stage, Mr.

Anka's own gardener, Mr. Emil Fantazou!

Seeing one of Mr.

Anka's all -time hits.

Fantazou isn't here!

Well, uh, uh, you go and get him and I'll just... I can't, Mort. You sing the

song. Oh, come on, Walter. I can't sing the song. I mean it, Mort. You sing it.

Walter, I couldn't possibly sing one.

Regret.

I've had a few.

But then too few that I could mention. Oh, Walter, this is ridiculous. Go

Go ahead. Go ahead.

I did what I had to do.

And did it all without exemption.

I planned each chartered course. Oh, Walter, come on. I couldn't in a million

years... You're doing it great, Walter.

Better than Fantazoo.

Better than Fantazoo?

Walter, do you mean that?

How about Sinatra?

Ten times better than Sinatra.

Yes, there were times...

that you're not Perry Mason.

It's imperative that you understand that a telethon without a sponsor is against

the law. I could go to jail.

Oh, please, please. Mr. Moser, calm down. You are going to have a nervous

breakdown. I wonder, do they have telethons for nervous breakdowns?

baton twirlers. Thank you, balloon person.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just been absolutely lovely.

I mean, look, as you can see, we are only now $312 away from our goal.

And while we're waiting to reach that magic mark, I should like to bring out

again that virtuoso of the pizza, Mr. Aldo Formica.

This time, preparing a pepperoni pizza while asking the musical question,

Che la luna mezzo mare?

Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen, I should like to introduce my co -chairman, Dr.

Arthur Holland.

I have just a short announcement.

Stop that!

I completely disassociate myself from this show.

Arthur, come on. He's only kidding, folks. I am not.

She has...

My reputation with this silly telethon. Silly telethon? Arthur, it's people like

you who make telethons necessary.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

We need telethons to make sick people well because we do not have a national

health plan.

Oh, nonsense. If people can get sick without help from the government, they

get well without help from the government.

false pretenses. People do not want to send their money to us. They want to

it to the charity of their choice. Oh, come on, Arthur. How could... Well, of

course! Why didn't I think of that?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the charity of your choice telethon.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.