Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's Marge. And then there's Marge. And then there's Marge. And then

there's Marge. And then there's Marge. And then there's Marge. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing Marge.

driver.

Listen, Mrs. Nogatuck, you are working my New Year's Eve party tonight, and

that's that.

Nogatuck, you break any of my good china, and I'll...

It's

a relief to know the good Lord is still English.

For broken china, I go muslin.

Because of your uncanny resemblance, I thought you'd go for Buddha.

Anyway, finish taking this stuff inside and put it on the table. Yeah, what

about my date with the bus driver? I'm all dressed up for it.

I'm sorry, you'll just have to cancel it.

Oh, drats!

Drats! We were going to...

this is going to be a fabulous party. The most fantastic party ever.

I mean, I guarantee you this is not going to be one of those typical New

Eve disasters where all the guests sit around waiting for Guy Lombardo to come

on while two drunks throw up in their paper hats.

What makes you think your dull party is going to be any better?

Because I have a big surprise.

The greatest, most... fun -filled idea I have ever had for a party. And I tell

you what it is, except you have a big mouth.

I couldn't care less. You're going to hear it whether you want to or not.

Do you know what it is? Do you know what it is?

Something that hasn't been done in years. A lost art.

A scavenger hunt.

Isn't that marvelous?

I've planted little gifties all over the house.

And the guest who finds the most little gifties gets a really big gifty at the

prize. What's the prize? A paper hat to throw up in?

Mrs. Naugatuck, don't be silly. It's going to be a jolly time. Viv, isn't it

going to be a jolly time? Oh, shut up, Maude.

Maude, just look at this.

These crumbs were a cake for your party tonight until my microwave oven blew up.

It's all your fault.

My fault?

Yes, it were for your dumb... I could have gotten another day's youth out of

oven. I just hate New Year's Eve parties.

Oh, Vivian, you are going to have the best time you have ever had at a party

tonight because I have a brilliant idea, Vivian. A surprise.

Just hope it's better than your party last year when we all sat around waiting

for Guy Lombardo and George Freebody threw up in his paper hat.

Whistle while I...

I've got to tell you, I spoke to Estelle Ellinger today.

So did I. Do you know that she had the nerve to call up and sniff around for an

invitation? I did not invite her.

I did.

And how could you invite Estelle and Herman Ellinger to my party? They're

fighting. Well, so are you and Walter. I thought we could use a little variety.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

Tonight's party is foolproof.

Not even the Ellingers can ruin it.

Happy New Year, Arthur.

Happy New Year, my metatarsal arch.

Well, what's the matter, sweetums? I had a flat tire on the thruway. Ah.

I had to wait a whole hour before anybody could be flagged down. Oh, and

helped you change your tire? He did no such thing. He robbed me. He held me up.

No.

He got $35 and a month's supply of rubber fingers.

Everybody gets drunk and asks for free medical advice.

What really bothers Arthur is he gets drunk and gives it to them.

Listen, Arthur, I promise you, even you are going to have a ball tonight.

Philip, Philip, Philip, Philip, Philip. How would you like to do Grandma a

little favor for her party tonight?

Leave me alone, Grandma. I'm a kid and I'm cranky.

Vivian, how would you like to do Grandma a little favor tonight and at the

stroke of midnight come downstairs wearing a diaper?

Is that your big surprise for the party? Well, of course not, Viv. That's just a

little extra trimming.

Not for what I'm getting paid.

Happy New Year.

At last.

Somebody with a little holiday spirit.

I'll see you all in 75.

I'm going right to bed.

Walter, you come right back down here.

Mort, don't give me a hard time.

You know that Santa Claus I hired for Christmas? I just found out why he had

such a big belly.

He walked out of the store with two toasters, a clock radio, and a portable

color television.

and force you to come down to your grandmother's lousy New Year's Eve

Let me tell you something, little lady. It's still not too late for me to force

you to take accordion lessons.

Maud, get off her back. She deserved it, Walter. Don't snap at Walter, Vivian.

It's New Year's Eve.

We're supposed to be celebrating, remember?

Celebrating what?

There's nothing to celebrate. Because of inflation, I'm going broke.

74 was the worst year of my life. I agree with Walter. It was a terrible

Watergate, The Energy Christ, and those disgusting movies, The Green Door and

The Devil and Miss Jones.

Disgusting is right.

I'd never go to see those again.

Oh, listen, I'll grant everybody that 74 wasn't such a hot year, but...

We can celebrate the coming year, 1975.

75 is going to be even worse. Who says so? President Ford says so, and he never

says anything.

Now listen here, Walter. You have no business to start attacking President

you all that there is usually nothing duller in the world than a New Year's

party. And I'll also grant you that there's not much to celebrate about 74

75. But kids, I have the world's greatest New Year's Eve

party idea.

I mean, it is absolutely fabulous.

You want to know what it is? Come on, beg me.

Beg me, beg me, beg me.

Enough begging, I'll tell you.

But I must swear you all to secrecy, I don't want any of the other guests to

hear about this.

This is something... Are you ready?

Are you ready?

A scavenger hunt. What?

A scavenger hunt. No one has had one in years. It is a lost art.

Oh, I didn't want little gifties all over the house.

Scavenger hunts are fun.

You see, you see, you see.

Even Vivian says they're a lot of fun.

Sure, I love the scavenger hunt from last night at the Martins.

You lie.

The Martins did not have a scavenger hunt.

Oh, they had a scavenger hunt. How can I have a scavenger hunt now?

I'll be the laughingstock of Tuckahoe.

They'll pull me out of the beauty parlor.

Don't panic.

Maybe you've got better gifties. Oh, I doubt it. She had gifties from Gucci.

Shut up, Vivian.

My party is ruined.

The whole night is ruined.

Oh, so what, Mort? It was a rotten year anyway. I don't want to celebrate 74 or

75.

If I was going to celebrate any year, I'd pick a year that I liked, like 1937

42 or 58.

All right, you do that. You do that, Walter.

I wash my hands of the whole thing. I don't care what you did, what you will

Walter, that's it.

Walter, that's it.

That's the party.

Walter, that's the party. This is going to be the greatest New Year's Eve party

ever. Mother, what are you talking about?

Nobody liked 74, right? Right.

Why don't we each pick our favorite year and come as that year?

Let's do it.

We'll all pick our most nostalgic year to celebrate.

Oh, now,

wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Now, listen, everybody has to wear something that is symbolic of what he or

was doing that particular year.

Oh, Carol, you call the other guests. The list is over there. Oh, this is

to be the greatest New Year's Eve party. Tell me, Mrs. Naugatuck, what was your

favorite year?

Oh, I don't know.

But I can tell you my least favorite year, 1492.

Mrs.

Naugatuck.

1492. If Columbus had discovered this flipping country, I wouldn't be working

here tonight.

and you shouldn't be drinking.

Hey, everybody, guess what year I am? 48.

No.

1776.

You're close, Carol.

1952. The Republican Convention.

Boy, I could hardly believe those foot -long hot dogs. Some were a foot long.

Arthur!

Cut that out. I'll have you arrested for child molesting.

Okay, Carol, I'm ready.

Mother insists upon making an entrance.

Oh. Now, ladies and gentlemen, now is the time for us to present to you the

of her 1945 college freshman review.

My fraternity rose as one man and chased me across campus.

I let two of them catch me.

Oh, and from 1945, that was the year to end all years.

Oh, you're wrong there, Marty. The great year was 1952. Wow. I still get the

chills when I think of me being in that great convention hall listening to

thousands and thousands of voices chant, I like, like, I like.

That's thousands of voices.

Don't forget his vice president. Milhouse, what's his name?

His dog, Checkers.

If only that dog could have talked.

I told you that's not all you left at the canteen.

Oh, when I was in the army, I weighed 235 pounds. Oh, come on, Walter.

235 pounds.

That's right. In those days, I had a lot of hair.

That must be the Ellingers.

Crackers, Erwin?

Jonathan, would you like some crackers? I hope at least tonight they are not

arguing. I can't stand...

Don't tell me you've come into the year of the Dempsey Tunney fight.

Estelle, why do you keep slapping me? Because I love to slap you. You're

to keep slapping us.

Knock it off.

Who is this?

Oh, that's Aunt Polly. I didn't have any place to leave her. She's 94 years old.

93?

She lies about her age.

But she loves... parties. So do I.

Especially ones without him. All right, then you just stay here. I'm going to

the Harrison's party. Not without me, you don't you? Wait a minute. Hey, guys,

guys, you forgot Aunt Polly.

Oh, to hell with them.

Well,

may I take your coat, Aunt Polly?

what would you like to do?

Cut everybody out of my will.

That's a lovely sentiment.

Aunt Polly, would you care for some champagne?

Well, one thing, Aunt Polly's a cheap drunk.

Smile, Mrs. Naugatuck. It's New Year's Eve. For you. For me, it's Labor Day.

Cheer a person up, all right?

Come on, Finley.

What did I tell you? Didn't I say it would be fun -filled?

Look at all the guests. Yes, it's fun -filled, but you haven't said a single

word to me since you came downstairs, and after all the trouble I went to with

my costume.

Oh, Viv, honey, I'm sorry.

Now, let me look at you.

Oh, my, don't you look precious. Oh, thank you, Mike.

I'm celebrating the happiest year of my life when I was only five years old.

and my daddy loved me the most. He used to buy me dollies and great big

lollipops and he took me to the park and he pushed me in the swings and he would

teeter -totter with me.

Everybody, everybody.

Isn't this sweet?

Vivian is coming as the year her daddy loved her the most. When she was six

years old. No!

and are divorced?

No, my rotten baby brother was born.

He and my daddy spent the rest of their lives shooting baskets.

Why wasn't I a good dribbler?

Carol, Carol, sweetheart, every now and again, hold a spoon in front of Aunt

Polly's mouth. See if she's still breathing.

Remember, dear, she's 92.

91.

I'm sorry.

Come on, dear heart. You're spoiling the party.

Oh, Arthur, leave Vivian alone.

Well, I don't understand why she picked that year if it makes her so miserable.

For heaven's sakes, she could have picked a good year like mine, 1952.

Arthur, how can you say that 1952 was a good year? We were in the middle of a

recession. There was trouble in the Middle East. Ward's right, Arthur.

1952 was a rotten year.

It's as good a year as your lousy year, Walter.

Lousy year? I'll have you know that 1945...

Oh, sure. A great year, Walter. Great for Hitler, Mussolini, Hirohito,

Hildegard.

All I meant was that it was a swell year for me personally.

I was a young guy in the army without any responsibilities.

There were plenty of girls.

They must have been hard up to go out with a 235 -pound PFT.

They were. That's what I liked about them.

Oh, come on, Walter. 42 was a grim year.

Daddy!

Vivian! My fingers were too stubby to hold a basketball.

Vivian, will you grow up?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that year you were celebrating 1945 was the worst year of your life,

you know it. That is not true, Vivian. I loved 1945. I adored 45.

I remember your complexion, Maude. You were the campus zits queen.

Sigma Chi fraternity didn't chase you across campus.

It was Harold Farquhar, the zit king.

And let's not forget that was the year you met your first husband.

Aha! I don't want to hear about 45 anymore ever again.

What was wrong with meeting your first husband? He was my father.

And for that, I will always love him, Carol.

But I could have married Harold Farquhar and you would be the zit's princess.

motorcycle, 1961.

Of all the thoughtless years you could have chosen, that was the year that I

not only getting a divorce from my second husband, but I fell asleep under

dryer and all my hair fell out.

For three months, I looked like Yul Brynner.

Yeah, except you were taller.

Start with me, Carol.

You were the wildest thing in the world in those days. You drove me crazy.

Well, you'd be wild, too, if you had no father and a bald mother.

Stop attacking the poor girl just because your year turned out to be a big

My year, Arthur?

What about your year, Arthur? You leave my year alone. You leave my year alone.

Forgive

me

for interrupting, but since...

Nobody can decide on a favorite year.

I'd like to propose a toast to my favorite minute.

Oh, and Polly, please don't trouble yourself.

Oh, when you get to be my age, 89.

Last year isn't important.

Next year isn't important. But what is important is what's happening now.

Now? Now.

Aunt Polly's right, you know.

Even though I have been complaining all night, the fact is that I work for the

Finlay's, and I've never been so happy in my life.

Oh, Mrs.

Nogatuck, what a lovely thing to say.

And I'd like to smell your breath.

So would I.

God love you all.

Oh, Mrs.

Nogata, come back here, dear. Come back here.

And please forget... give us. Here we've been indulging our egos over a lot of

silly years in the past. Years that really weren't half as nice as we

them. Come on, everybody.

Aunt Polly is absolutely right.

The present is what counts. Here, here.

1875. 1975.

What's the difference? It's now.

I agree.

Right on.

Happy now, Walter. Happy now.

I think someone's been spiking her champagne with Geritol.

Well, I'm exhausted.

Why don't I just ask you to stay overnight?

Great idea.

Aunt Polly!

Aunt Polly, isn't it time we went to bed?

Oh, sure, kiddo.

But what'll your wife say?

Maude was recorded on tape before a live audience.