Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right or not?

Hi, Viv.

Oh, hi, Ma.

Oh,

Viv, it's so sweet of you to meet me for once.

Oh, waiter, two champagne cocktails, please. Oh, that's a good idea. I could

one. Oh, you want one, too? Waiter, make that three.

I must confess, Viv, I had one before I left the house. Oh, to tell the truth,

so did I.

Oh, Viv, I am going out of my bird.

Viv, something happened, and wouldn't you know it would happen on the one

weekend in two years that Walter is out of town.

Oh, but Arthur and Walter just went away for a weekend of golf. They didn't

elope. If only they had, Viv.

Vivian, if I'm incoherent, it's because an

old flame has been rekindled ever since this morning when the mailman arrived.

The mailman?

Gee, what, isn't he a little old for you?

Vivian, you have lovely long eyelashes, but essentially you're dense.

Oh, Viv, Viv, I'm sorry I spoke to you that way. I love you, Viv.

And it hurts me to destroy you, but...

Peter Durland?

Peter Durland?

Vivian, this morning, out of the blue, after all these years to find that I've

been thought of, loved Vivian after 17 years.

I don't believe it.

Oh, Vivian. Now, your brief affair with Peter was meaningful.

Remember that, Viv. Hold on to it. Brief affair?

My brief affair, Maude, I was the big love of his life. Me.

You were just a fling.

Vivian, I am trying to be kind, so knock it off.

You're full of bull.

Vivian, I can accept that comment because I know it comes from a heart

broken. But don't push it or you'll have a leg to match.

Oh, Vivian, you're looking for your Kleenex. You're going to cry.

A waiter, three of the same.

Honey, I ordered you another drink.

Haven't you found your Kleenex? No, but I found what I was looking for.

Postcard, Peter Derlin.

He was always so thoughtful.

Imagine sending you a card, too, so that you wouldn't be hurt.

Oh, Peter Derland.

And you'll notice, Maude, he wrote more on mine than he did on yours.

Yes, but, Vivian, did he say at the end, Oh, how the ghost of you clings?

Did he say that, Vivian?

Yes, right here.

Tell me about them, Vivian.

They came addressed to occupant, didn't they?

You were jealous of me then, and you're jealous of me now.

Oh, come on. Now, Vivian, I love you.

Let's not argue.

I mean, naturally, Peter is going to see both of us.

But, of course, you'll see me first.

Peter is going to be here today.

That's right.

Vivian, we're alone for the week.

And temptation, a Greek god, is winging its way from Albuquerque.

If I remember accurately, economy class.

He was a cheap Greek god.

Oh, no, he wasn't cheap. He was poor, struggling to find himself.

Oh, don't you remember how he used to paint those black ink spots on his

so nobody would notice the holes in his socks?

Oh, I remember, of course.

He was such a proud, sweet man.

I'll never forget the first time he took off his socks and I saw those spotted

ankles. I ran into the kitchen and boiled the silverware.

You know, I was the first woman Peter felt he could really depend on.

If he ever needed money, he always came to me. How much did you give him? $5

.50. $6 .50.

But he was worth it, wasn't he?

Every dollar. Every last penny.

Oh,

Vivian, I love Walter. I love him. I love him. And I'd give my life for him.

I'm two different people. Part of me wants to be a faithful wife and look

my husband, and the other part of me yearns to experience frenzied excitement

again. Oh, Vivian, I feel so wicked.

Wicked and shallow and really super.

Oh,

Vivian.

Vivian, the thought of being alone with Peter...

We've got to make a pact, here and now. We've got to promise we won't be alone

with him this weekend.

Only together.

Marvelous idea.

Safety in numbers. We must only be together, the two of us. Let's shake on

Oh,

oh, he loved my wrist bones.

He said I had sensuous wrists.

I had the sexiest earlobe this side of heaven.

That's because he couldn't think of anything nice to say about your wrist.

A buster.

I'll take these.

some lush who tell me to kill some glasses.

Some lush? No, I mean someone other than myself.

Hey, maybe he's going to call my house.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Vivian. He's calling here.

Maude, I think your sensuous wrists have swollen.

Then pull it off over my ankles.

Maude, I suggest, Megan, that you let go of...

Thank you, Mrs. Naugatuck. Now you know why I keep her on.

Mrs. Naugatuck, give me the glasses.

Oh, and don't bother about the fruit. We brought our own.

Allow me, ma 'am. When I was with Lord and Lady Heathrow, I became quite an

expert. As we say in Jolly Old...

You should go to a pear tree for pears, not an elm.

How profound.

Vivian, am I drunk or is she demented?

Might I suggest, madam, that you take a jigger of olive oil before you drink any

more? Oh, and what titled royalty gave you that little tip?

Some old wino at the local post office.

Oh, Peter, Peter, Peter. Oh, Vivian, I will never forget our last night

together. Oh, God, what emotion.

It was 1957 and the Yankees had just lost the World Series or whatever it

is they lose.

The pain, the pain, the bitter sweet pain as he packed his clothes,

his socks, his bottle of black ink.

With Peter and me, it all started on the night Milwaukee won the World Series.

Pay attention, Vivian. I'm talking.

We went to our restaurant, and Peter ordered no balls for dessert, vanilla

cream floating in a glass of Pernod.

Always did that with me, too. What's the big deal?

Yes, but later, Vivian, later at home, did he smear Pernod on your wrists?

Then come after you like an Irish setter?

You ripped me earlobes, remember?

Oh, Vivian, you're a pervert.

That was one of the things he loved about me.

Seventeen years ago.

Oh, my God, seventeen years ago.

Hey, Ma, look at me. Look at my face. Have I changed much?

Yes, Vivian.

Since lunch.

Did anybody ever tell you you're a mean drunk?

That's one of the things he loved about me.

Oh, Vivian, I've been trying to prepare you. I've been trying to prepare you all

afternoon for the fact that Peter is coming to see me.

Not you. Hey, wait a minute.

Did you say, did you say he left you the night the Yankees lost the World

Series?

In 1957.

That is right. But that's the night Milwaukee won the World Series and

the night he came to me.

That is a lie.

The Yankees never played Milwaukee.

Oh, who'd they play? The Republic of Panama.

possible that he went to you.

And furthermore, I refuse to share my champagne with a neighborhood drunk.

Of course I'm going to tell you something I did not tell you before

did not want to hurt you.

Peter called me last night, Maude. Me!

Me! Me!

Me!

soon as he got there.

Me, not you.

I don't believe that. That is a vicious, ridiculous lie.

And I would laugh hysterically, hysterically.

Except I can't get my cheeks to move.

Oh, yes. Well, now, let me tell you this, Mrs. Pinky. I am now going. I am

straight to the Ramada Inn.

here with me.

Get to seat, you.

Liar, liar. Pants on fire. Get out of here.

Jealous, evil -tempered witch who cannot hold her liquor.

Cannot hold my liquor? I'd like to see you get it from me.

Your lips are so white.

No. No.

No. Oh, the pain.

The pain.

Oh. What time is it?

1943.

Oh, Mrs. Nogatuck, I'm expecting someone. I can't let him see me like

Mrs.

Nogatuck, have you been drinking?

Of course, madam.

The bottle was open. I hadn't the heart to waste it.

Not with all their millions of alcoholics. Dying of thirst in you.

Mrs.

Nogatuck, you must... Pull yourself together and whip me up some kind of a

miracle, something halfway between a laxative and an aphrodisiac.

Oh, make enough for two of us.

And if it's any comfort, madam, think of your poor friend, Mrs. Armand.

Friend? I never want to hear that woman's name mentioned in... Oh,

this house again.

Oh, that treacherous...

Tacky little woman who has begun hallucinating in her late 40s.

That's him.

That's him.

That...

the drugstore.

The golf tournament was called off, rained out.

Where's Vivian?

Vivian's at home, isn't she?

No. I figured she'd be spending the night over here.

Poor dear. She can't bear sleeping alone for even one night. Ain't that the

truth.

No, Arthur, she's not here.

Well, then where is she? You are not going to drag it out of me, Arthur. Wild

horses couldn't get it out of me. I wouldn't crack under the Chinese water

torture. She's at the Ramada Inn.

What?

Arthur, 17 years ago, Peter Derlin... No, she couldn't have. She couldn't. A

note. A note, Arthur. Maybe she left a note. Go home.

Look near the telephone on the kitchen table. Go, Arthur. Go.

Look up the address of the Ramada Inn. My eyes are not functioning as a team

today.

sympathy of a friend.

Thank you, Vivian. You've just made my day. Where's Maude? You want a hint? You

want a hint? She's at the Ramada Inn.

Vivian.

Maude. Vivian.

Vivian. Vivian, did you go to... Oh, well, of course not. Did you? Oh, did

Well, of course not, Viv.

You did? No.

You didn't either.

Oh, Molly Pop.

I didn't know where you were.

Maude said something about... the Ramada Inn.

She did?

And Vivian said you were at the Ramada Inn.

She didn't.

What is going on? And who's Peter Durland?

Yeah, who's Peter Durland?

Peter, Peter Durland. You hear, Vivian? They want to know who's Peter Durland.

Tell them all.

Peter. Well, Peter Durland, if you really insist on knowing, Peter Durland

game. That's right, he's a gamer.

Fascinating new game.

Peter Derland at the Ramada Inn. By Parker Brothers.

Come on, Arthur. I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

How dare you tell my husband that I was at the Ramada Inn with Peter Derland.

Well, what about you? You told my husband the same thing. Well, that's

different. With you, it's totally unbelievable.

beautiful than ever.

Hello, Peter.

Vivian.

Vivian, I can't get over it.

It's as if time to deal. Oh, Peter, what a lovely thing to say.

Vivian, he's talking about your dress.

Peter.

Peter. Peter.

Peter.

It must be water.

That's right.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

I'd know that you were Maud's husband anywhere.

It's your lion tamer's eyes.

He does have lion tamer's eyes, you know.

Well, you'd need them to be married to a vital life force like Maud.

Lion tamer's eyes. No kidding.

And you're Vivian's husband?

Yes.

Perfect!

You have the eyes of a poet.

Amazing? Not everybody notices that at first.

You talk about amazing. You know what a coincidence this is.

I was dropping by to see the girls, never dreaming that I was going to meet

their husbands. And on this very day, not one hour ago, I got the news!

Well, there's a fortune in it. What news?

Well, I don't want to bore you with all that.

No, no, tell us, tell us.

Gentlemen, it is a silver mine like you never dreamed.

Silver?

A real silver mine?

Silver?

A real silver mine? Yes, yes, we just hit this morning.

Why don't we talk about it over coffee? And the great thing is, all we need is

$10 ,000 more to get into production. Is that all? Are you serious, Pete?

Arthur and I can...

Chase Manhattan's been begging me to come in. Now, wait a second. Wait a

Yeah, why not give us a shot? Peter.

Peter, you look wonderful.

And you, Maude.

Still the same great earlobes.

Nuggets.

The size of your fist.

When I got that... God, he is old.

And he's shrunk.

I know those can't be his teeth.

I'm sure that's not his hair.

He's beautiful, isn't he?

Very good.

Did you see those eyes?

Did you see those socks?

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.