Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilizer. No, no, no.

or play it?

It's clogged.

Where... Where are my... Where are my... Out with it, Walter! Where are your...

What?

My pipe cleaners. How should I know where your pipe cleaners are?

Maud, I need something long and fuzzy to clean my pipe.

Maybe you'd like me to starch a caterpillar.

All right, Maud, I won't smoke my pipe.

week since I took up pipe smoking, you'll get used to it. Never, Walter,

Ashes all over the floor, holes in the carpet. Furthermore, your mustache is

beginning to turn yellow.

It's like kissing a molting canary.

Brian, out loud, a man can't even enjoy a pipe.

I mean, what's wrong with that?

I've given up cigarettes and I've quit drinking. What other pleasures are

Reminds me, Walter, you seem to have given that up, too.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you what I'm talking about, Walter Findlay.

Your husbandly duties.

That's not true. I took out the garbage.

I mean your number two husbandly duties.

After the garbage.

I can't help it if I'm tired, Maud. With the inflation and the high prices, I've

been working my tail off at the store just so we could break even. Oh, come on

now, Walter. This is one function we cannot blame on Nixon.

Don't blame it all on me, Maud.

Sunday night I was awake.

Or was it Monday?

You know, honey, I'm beginning to realize what's happening to you.

The flashes of temper, the pipe, the bedroom, your new shoes, they're all

symptomatic. What are you talking about? These shoes are the latest things.

They're stylish, they're comfortable. Take them off, Walter.

What for? Take them off.

Maude! Go ahead, Walter, take them off and I'll show you.

All right, I will.

I mean, is it a crime for a man to want to feel as tall as his wife?

You poor man.

Do you know, Walter, what's happening to you is exactly what we saw on that TV

special the other night? The one on pollution?

No, Walter. Male menopause.

You gotta be kidding. I am not kidding, Walter. You're exactly like that man on

the show.

The middle -aged one with the mustache, wearing the fancy sports jacket, the

high heels, and smoking the pipe.

Crying out loud, boy, that was Walter Cronkite.

Talking about the other man.

Well, I hate to disappoint you, boy, but I am not going through male menopause.

I mean, every time you see a television show, you become an expert on something.

You're putty in the hands of the medium, Maud.

Very perceptive, Walter.

Particularly coming from a man who keeps a shoebox full of baseball cards under

his bed.

All right, Maud, that's it. I've had it.

I don't want to hear about it anymore.

I can't do anything around this house.

You're the only one who can do things around this house.

But not Walter. Oh, no, not Walter.

I can't smoke my own pipe, wear my own high heels.

How the hell with it?

I'm going to go into the den and be as poor as I want.

Why is this thing always stuck?

Kick it with one of your high heels, sweetie.

Oh, Maude.

Oh, boy. Just what I needed, Miss Tiny Tears.

Vivian, I love you. Go home. Oh, Maude. Arthur and I, Arthur and I are having

the fight of our lives. And you want to bring it over here to Madison Square

Garden.

All on account of my little dog, Chuck.

Well, you know Arthur's always hated Chuck.

He treats that dog like an animal.

Vivian, will you have a heart? You're talking to a woman who just found out

husband wears wedgies.

You don't care.

All right, all right, Vivian, tell me about it. Well, it all started this

afternoon, and it's all Arthur's fault. He provoked poor little Chuck, so that

Chuck had no choice but... To come up to Arthur and do the worst thing a dog can

do to a man.

He lifted his leg.

And then Arthur did something unspeakable.

He retaliated.

menopause. Can't you go through it in the den?

Don't start with me, Maude. Will you please listen to me? Arthur wants to

Chuck away, Maude. Oh, you know how much that little dog means to me. He's like

my little baby.

Maude, please, won't you talk to Arthur?

All right, all right, all right, Vivian. I'll save your marriage. I'll talk to

Arthur. Anything is better than standing here talking to you.

Walter, if you have any compassion at all, comfort this woman. And Vivian, if

you have any sense at all, don't listen to her.

Walter, I'm so upset.

Vivian, I guarantee you are at least twice as upset as you are, maybe more.

couldn't be. Arthur is impossible.

Do you know what it's like living with a man who puts shoe trees in his

slippers?

Vivian, please don't cry. You got it good, believe me.

Around here, every minute it's Walter do this, Walter do that. God will get you

for this, God will get you for that.

It's like living with a Billy Graham in drag.

I know I shouldn't be doing this.

Psychologically, it's masochistically self -destructive.

Where'd you hear a thing like that?

Vermont. She saw it on a television program.

That's mortal, right? She thinks she knows everything.

I'll bet you she's over there right now analyzing Arthur in deep psychological

terms. Arthur, you're a dummy.

Maybe so, but I'm going to be a dummy without a dog.

I don't trust that mutt.

He's manic depressive.

One minute he licks, the next minute he barks.

Arthur, you're being absolutely absurd.

Oh, you think so, do you? Do you know what Vivian does for that dog?

She makes home -cooked meals for him.

She knits sweaters for him.

She even gets up in the middle of the night to take him for a walk.

She's never done that for me.

Martha, you know what I think?

I think you're jealous.

Me jealous of a dog?

A man, maybe.

But a dog?

I got more brains in my little finger than he's got in all four paws.

telling anybody, will you, Marty?

It's awful. A licensed physician jealous of an unlicensed dog.

Arthur, listen to me.

Put aside your pride because this time you stand to lose something very

and you should apologize.

Apologize to a dog?

I'm talking about Vivian.

You think Vivian would leave me?

No. Arthur, Chuck is...

Chuck is her baby. She thinks of him as her child.

For Vivian's sake, Arthur, try to think of Chuck as your son.

Chuck!

Son?

I've been thinking the whole thing over, and I'm going to give you one more

chance.

You're welcome to stay.

You're right, Vivian. Your tears are no wetter than mine.

Your tears are no wetter than mine. That's poetry.

Oh? You're lyrical.

Well, just a little.

I really shouldn't be bothering you like this.

That's all right, Vivian. That's what friends are for.

You know, Walter, if I were your wife, I'd never treat you the way Maude does.

think you're a very sensitive man.

Oh? And very attractive, too.

Attractive? Well, I can't take credit for that. I mean, you either are or you

aren't.

A sensitive man like you needs understanding and care, and I don't

is capable of accepting that. And you need a man who has patience.

Arthur doesn't understand anything.

Poor Chuck. I love dogs.

Somehow I knew you would.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, please. I love pipes.

Really? Oh, yes.

Oh, I think a pipe makes a man look so distinguished.

You know, Vivian, the perfect thing would be a dog who smoked a pipe.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

It was a joke, Vivian.

That's another thing.

Moore doesn't appreciate my sense of humor.

I think you have a wonderful sense of humor. I laugh at you all the time.

You can blow smoke rings, too.

Well, just... when I feel like it.

This is ridiculous.

This is crazy.

What's happening to me?

What is it?

I don't know. I'm... Well, I'm feeling so much for you.

So much for your problem. Oh.

It's crazy.

What?

Well, for a second there, I felt like... Tithing you. Oh, it's crazy.

Oh, no, no, no, it's not.

Don't... Don't feel embarrassed, Walter, because just for a moment...

I felt like kissing you.

But Arthur's my best friend.

And Maude's my best friend.

There's nothing between you and me, Vivian. No, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Thank God we're adults.

We don't have to make a mistake and complicate our lives. That's right.

Thank God.

How strange fate is.

Maude.

One minute happily married, the next minute, poof.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Thank you, Walter.

I want to thank you for five and a half wonderful years.

Vivian. Maude.

Vivian, Walter likes those little curlicue potatoes with his pot roast.

You keep the cars, Walter, and...

I'll sell the house.

You can use Vivian's dishes and, of course, our sheets. Maude!

I'll keep the vacuum and the fruit jars.

And we'll go havesies on the fondue forks.

Maude, will you listen to me? Will you please?

I do have one small favor, though. That the two of you stay apart for three

months. By that time, I'll be comfortably settled in a monastery in

Arthur? I suppose you'll be leaving, too.

I'm not going anywhere.

Vivian is not going to take the easy way out. She's staying with me.

Arthur, I'd never leave you.

Of course not. Why should you with him right next door?

Maude, it was just a simple little kiss. If you'd have come in ten seconds

later, it would have been all over.

I know, Walter. I know.

All over the living room, all over the...

Walter, I am deeply and terribly hurt. If you kissed her, that means you wanted

her. That is inexcusable.

Why didn't I think of this before? It must be male menopause.

Come on, Friendly. Male menopause was to win my argument, not yours.

So this is what I get from my very best friend.

Walter, I demand satisfaction.

Don't be ridiculous.

If you and Vivian got it, why can't I?

Walter, you're blowing things out of proportion. It was just one of those

things. How many times, how many times when the four of us have been out

together having a perfectly lovely evening have you been undressing Vivian

your eyes?

Stripping her clean like a plucked chicken? How many times, Walter?

Never!

Never?

like me for myself, Walter, and now I realize all this time you've only been

lusting after my wife.

Sir? Don't touch me!

Just where do you think you're going? For a cup of coffee. All this lusting is

making me a nervous wreck.

Come on, Mort, I'm not the kind of guy who spends all his time sizing up his

neighbor's wife. Oh, come off it, Findley. I've seen you out on the

Every time a short skirt passes, your head whirls around so fast your eyeballs

get whiplash.

man has a certain part of a woman's body he's attracted to.

What parts of Vivian turn you on, Walter?

None.

None?

All right, so I like to look at other girls.

Don't tell me you don't look at other men. Never. I never look at another man.

Oh, come on, Mort. Admit it. It's a human thing to do. You not only look at

other men, but sometimes you even fantasize about other men when we're

married man and woman has gone through it one time or another when they needed

inspiration. I remember one night we necked for an hour and 20 minutes with

eyes open because neither one of us could think of anybody.

That is the sickest lie I have ever heard. What kind of a weirdo do you

am? Fantasizing about men. Not once more. Paul Newman.

Only because I wanted ours to be the perfect marriage, and you had once told

you thought of Joanne Woodward.

You people are depraved.

You're perverted, and what's even worse, you're rude.

Oh, can it, Arthur.

I beg your pardon. You fantasize, too. You told me so yourself.

I don't see any need to discuss this. Arthur fantasizes about Dr.

Joyce Brothers.

That was purely a platonic fantasy.

It was a professional courtesy between doctors.

Which is more than I can say for that kiss between you and Walter. Oh, come

You didn't even take my kiss.

That's Carol.

Listen, she must not hear a word about this. I don't want her to know anything

about this. What?

Carol is a grown -up.

Walter, when you have generously given a daughter four different fathers in one

lifetime, you don't hit her with this news. Get the cards. That's it. We'll

pretend we're playing cards. Everybody around the coffee table, not a word. I

don't want to hear a word about it. Now, please, everybody, we must be calm.

Calm. Calm.

Hi.

Hello there.

Aloha.

I just came home to change.

I'm picking Phillip up at Jimmy's. We're going to go to the movies.

Good.

Canal. All right, what's going on?

Going... She thinks something's going on.

Mother, I know you know. What is it?

Nothing, darling, absolutely nothing.

Mother, I wasn't born yesterday.

Well, honey, if you must know, we just had a very small, petty disagreement

a very minor thing. And Vivian and Walter are having an affair.

Appreciate your grief, Carol, but knock it out.

I can't.

I can't help it.

Oh, that's hysterical.

Good old -fashioned scene in the summer.

And to think I once spent three whole days looking for a marble in her...

Well,

did you get your reaction?

That's the way this whole thing should be treated.

Laugh it off and forget it.

Intellectually, Walter, I can do that.

Emotionally, emotionally, no way.

If that's the way you think of me, Maud, if that's the way you think of my

fidelity, all right.

I didn't go out and kiss just anybody. I kissed your best friend because I love

your best friend. She was upset, and I responded in the only way I knew how.

have to... Lord, please!

I mean, there are times when you feel for someone so much that you can only

express that feeling in the terms that are available to you. In this case, a

kiss. Well, if you don't understand that, that's your problem.

I'm going into the kitchen to smoke my pipe and let me...

They did it.

They went into the kitchen together, alone, unchaperoned. Oh, shut up.

Oh, if it were only as simple as Walter says.

You know, it would just serve them right if we gave them a little of their own

medicine back. Oh, I don't know, Arthur.

What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, you know.

And vice versa.

Whatever you say, Arthur.

Pucker up, and I'll call him out.

We'll call them out here, and then you and I'll give each other the world's

biggest kiss.

Wouldn't it be easier just to go in and shoot them?

That's not very nice, Marty.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Arthur. I didn't mean that the way it sounded.

I must say, this has certainly not been one of my better days.

Arthur, I am truly sorry.

First it was the dog, and now it's Vivian and Walter.

I know you don't expect this coming from a surgeon, Marty, but I'm amazed.

Arthur,

look

what we're doing.

Oh, my God.

This is exactly what Walter was talking about.

Well, I don't know about that. Oh, you are Walter's best friend, married to my

best friend.

And even with you and me, Arthur, with all the arguments we've had, and even

though, basically, I loathe everything you stand for.

No, really, I do, Arthur.

Still, it wouldn't be hard for me to kiss you.

Well, it wouldn't be hard for me to kiss you either.

You know, Arthur, you're not all bad.

Well!

We were just... Don't get the wrong idea.

Lord, we understand. That's what we've been trying to tell you.

We're simply four people who love each other.

Don't you think it's time we all kissed and made up?

Oh, darling.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. Oh, Simon.

I burned my tie. My mustache is stained.

It's a filthy habit. I'll never smoke a pipe again.

Walter, I love you. I love you. You are so understanding.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.