Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Arthur, where are you? You and Viv were supposed to pick us up 20 minutes ago.

Yeah, and don't tell me you got passionate during dinner again.

Again?

Yeah, well, tell Viv to stop sprinkling vitamin E on your artichokes.

I really regret the day I ever recommended that.

Hold on, I can't find my white suspenders. Honey, you won't be doing

tonight. You can hold your pants up with your hands.

Now, come on, Walter, get down here.

Now, look, Arthur, Walter did not put out $50 per ticket to take us to a

benefit just so you could be a half hour late. Now, get over here, will you?

You're crying out loud, Ward. What did you do with my suspenders?

Walter, why am I responsible for your suspenders? Because you always put

where I can't find them. Always, Ward. You always put things where I can't find

them. You're right, Walter.

And I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Actually, if you want your suspenders, you'll find them hanging off the roof.

I find them very handy for washing the basement and second -story windows at

same time.

No. I'm sorry. Honey, I'll help you find them. You know, we're going to be late.

I'm going to miss all the guest celebrities.

Come on. No, everybody who's anybody is going to be there tonight.

Derwood Kirby, Poopy Campo, Carmelita Pope, Arlene Francis, the entire panel

from What's My Line.

Oh, you don't care if I miss all the fun.

Poopy Campo?

Well, go on.

I can't.

Get moving, Francie. What are you waiting on?

I thought you told me you'd have no trouble pulling this hustle.

Hinkley, would you cool it? It ain't gonna be easy to out -talk Maude Finley.

She's the world's champ.

She's got a bigger mouth than Mohamed Ali.

Okay, but just make sure you lay it on real good about your father beating you

up. Why can't I just tell her the truth?

Because why gamble on the truth when we got such a good, honest lie?

Hinkley, I don't feel good about lying to Mrs. Finley. I lived here for two

weeks.

Chicken, it's our future.

I mean, don't you think I'm going to feel rotten, too, hiding out there

the bush when I should be in there helping you pick her clean?

Hinkley, you do love me, right? I told you, I am your main man.

Now, don't forget to let us see the bandages, okay? Now, get in there and

your heart out.

Well, here goes our future.

Well, it's about time.

Francie! Francie!

if that's what you want. Actually, we were on our way to the theater anyway.

Oh, don't hold me!

to ask the same question.

Nancy, you are in trouble. Now, honey, why don't you tell me all about it?

That's what I'm here for.

Well, this isn't something that you just come right out and talk about just like

that. Oh, good.

Because we're on our way to the theater and we're late now. So, honey, why don't

you just lie down there, cry your little heart out, and when we get back from

the theater, we'll have a good long talk. No!

It'll be too late then.

Nancy.

Francie, are you in trouble with a gang?

Are they getting together and getting ready for a ramble tonight?

Walter, I hope you're not coming after her with a switch knife.

Come on.

Come here.

Has it occurred to you that she may just be in trouble?

Oh, come on, Walter. The child's only 16.

Almost 17.

Just because she comes from the ghetto doesn't mean that she knows...

Francie, are you with child?

No, I came here alone.

It's my father, Mrs. Finley. He's been beating me.

Oh, no, Francie. You mean he went upside your head.

Mrs. Finley, you'll understand better if we talk white people's talk.

He's beating the hell out of me.

Well, look at the bright side, Vivian. It matches your gown.

You both remember Francie Potter?

Well, well, well, Francie Potter.

Maude's little experiment in race relations.

It didn't work, you know, Francie. Maude's still white.

Come on, Francie. We'll have a little chit -chat in the kitchen. What's going

here? First you rush us over here and then you run off? Vivian, this is an

emergency. Fix your hair.

Well, what can you expect of a woman who has suspenders hanging from the roof?

Okay, now, Francie, come on. You tell me all

about it.

Well, Mrs. Finley, I was going to come in here and lie to you.

But you're too nice.

Besides, what's the sense of lying?

You know me too well.

Thank you, dear. I mean, I live in the suburbs, but... It's true. My heart's in

the ghetto.

Right.

Anyway.

Honey,

what's the matter?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a little bruise. A little bruise? Francie, let me look. No.

They took care of it in the emergency ward already.

My father did it.

That's why I'm running away from home.

Oh, Francie, running away? Honey, what about your mother?

Oh, she wanted to come along, too. But she's 53. She's too slow.

Maude. Walter, I found out what's troubling the child.

She is running away from home because of her father's beatings. Oh, come on,

Francie. Why would your father beat you?

Poor misguided honky.

Walter, you know nothing about the child's environment.

She's a victim of the battered child syndrome. I read all about it in

As a matter of fact, I think I may still have the article.

It's on the back of the recipe, a thousand and one ways to disguise elbow

macaroni.

Well, Walter, let's go. We'll miss all the pre -show activities in the lobby.

Arthur Harmon, Francie is more important than watching Doc Severance and put his

mouthpiece in a time capsule.

We're missing that?

Look, Francie, dear, you can tell me. Now, your father, the one who beat you,

had he been drinking?

Yeah. Oh, how did you know?

Oh, this afternoon he came home bloodshot from head to toe. He slammed

so hard the lights went on.

That's when he hit me.

But why?

That's when he saw me.

Then he picked up my brother's little league baseball bat, the one we used to

stun the roaches.

Boy, I want to talk to you. Come here.

What? Will you come with me? I want to talk to you.

Walter, not now. I am going to call the police and report that man. Lord, there

isn't one shred of evidence that she's telling the truth.

Walter, Francie loves me. She would not lie to me.

A baseball bat to stun the roaches?

Yeah, that's why they're such good hitters.

Maude, Walter, we're going to wait in the car. Awesome.

And if you're not out there...

After all you've put us through, we're leaving without you, and that's that.

Nobody's going to spoil my evening. Arthur!

Uh, by the by, old buddy.

Since we're your guests tonight, could you let me have the tickets you bought

for us?

Sure, old buddy.

Thanks, John.

I mean it! Five minutes or we're leaving without you, and that's final.

I'm sorry, Walter.

If it occurred to me, it must have sounded very unreasonable what I said.

should I put you on a five -minute deadline?

We'll go right now. You can take your own car.

Give my regards to Broadway.

What do you mean, give your regards to Broadway? We're going to the theater.

Not as long as that child is in trouble, we are not going.

All right, Francie.

Now, you tell me, dear, what can we do to help? What?

All she's asking for is a little love and understanding.

And $300. And $300.

He's just alone.

So I can start a new life.

I want to go live with my friend in Los Angeles. An older friend. An adult.

Francie, you're only 16.

Almost 17.

I can't go back home to my father. He'll kill me.

You're right. You don't have much of a choice.

Oh, little Francie Potter, all grown up and starting a new life.

Seems like only yesterday she was a little tiny baby.

Maud, you've only known her three months.

How would you like to hold your breath that long?

Look, Francie, we're going to give you a start, aren't we, Walter?

No.

He's such a tease. Look, Francie, dear, why don't you help yourself? After your

beating, you must be hungry.

Oh, good. You're calling the police. No, the Potters. You can't do that, Walter.

What? That child running away from home is breaking up a family, and I'm not

going to be any party to that.

Oh, hello, Mr. Potter. This is Walter Finley. Listen, your daughter's here,

we have theater tickets, and we want... Mr. Potter, you're a beast.

Someday when you sober up, you'll thank me for this.

Your breath reeks of liquor even on the phone.

Francie, dear, you are going to get your $300, and that's a prize.

Lord! Oh, come on now, Walter. She's going there to live with an adult.

It's not like she'll be alone.

Honey, how much cash do you have on you? Not nearly enough.

Oh, well, Arthur usually has a lot of cash, possibly between him and Viv and

and him. We'll get you the money, dear. Now, why don't you just sit down and

enjoy yourself, and we'll be back right after the theater with the money, and if

we hurry, maybe we can still catch one of Johnny Carson's ex -wives.

fourth time this year that you've killed my battery. Walter, will you quit

crying long enough to call the automobile club?

Just mention my name, they'll understand.

California, here we come!

California, here we come!

Francie!

Um, back from the theater so soon?

Oh my, how time flies!

It certainly does, particularly... When you're making whoopee with the adult

you're going to be living with in California.

Francie Potter, how could you do this to me? How?

All right, so your father beat you, so he's cruel. I can accept that.

But I cannot accept the fact that you deceived me into giving you $300 to go

on a whoopee trip to California.

Just so that you can...

Can shack up.

Please, Walter, not in front of the children.

Mrs. Finley, I mean, you have the wrong impression about the kind of dude I am.

Look, Mr. Dude.

Mrs. Finley. Come on, Francie. You know darn well I wouldn't have given you the

money for anything like this. But we're going to be married.

I don't care if you gave me a thousand.

Married? Oh, Walter.

Walter, they're going to be married. Mark, she's only 16. Going on 17.

Oh, no, you're right.

Francie, honey, come over here. Sit down with me. I want to talk to you.

Oh, Francie, I know it sounds so romantic, getting married, running off

California, but, honey, what are you going to do when the money runs out?

Remember, when the landlord comes through the door, love flies out the

Or is it the other way around?

Well, anyway, I know because I was first married when I was 17.

That's almost my age.

Was it a nice wedding, Mrs. Finley? Well, Francie, this has nothing to do...

We honeymooned at Lake Pottawatomie in the back of a pickup truck.

Oh, I also... Oh, come on now, Francie, don't do this to me.

Oh, Walter, don't you see? They're young and they're in love.

What? Mr. Finley, you heard her. She says she first got married when she was

That's different. She was making a career out of it.

17. I mean, I don't think you know what you're doing, Francie. You can't just

run off with no thought, no plan.

Oh, that's the part I was saving for last.

Hinkley planned for our future so our life will be financially secure.

Yeah, see, we're breaking into rock and roll, and we're going to go to Hollywood

and record for Motown.

Mo -who?

Motown. It's a record company.

Me and Hinkley's a group.

The Electric Shortcake.

Patrick Fruitcake?

Go to Hollywood and make a million dollars overnight? Come on!

We don't expect to become millionaires overnight.

It's a long, hard grind.

It's going to take us maybe two, three weeks.

Not long.

Yeah, sure. I mean, you can't just rush into these things, even when you got

talent like me and Hinkley. Hey, come on, Hinkley. Let's show them. Okay.

I'm the only rock and roll talent player in the world.

You ready?

One, two, three.

record business ever heard you play?

No, ma 'am, but that's what's so cool.

We're total unknowns.

Can I see you in the kitchen?

Yankee doodle.

They are really rotten.

But, Walter, who are we to say? I mean, the closest we've ever come to rock and

roll is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Lord, they don't have a chance.

Oh, Walter, who knows? For instance, who would ever have dreamed that Frankie

Lane would make all that money singing Mule Train?

Mule Train!

Ha! Clippity -clop, clippity -clop, clippity -clop. Oh, I love that. Ha!

Ha! Ha!

Ha! Lord!

That's not Frankie Lane out there. That's a couple of kids caught up in a

Hollywood fantasy.

Oh, Walter, wait.

I'm waiting.

Look, I'm sorry, kids.

But we're not giving you a nickel. Walter. But Mrs. Finley promised.

You're right. Mrs. Finley promised. And Mrs. Finley is going to give you her own

money. Maude, I forbid it.

Walter, she has no alternative.

She's a little child from the ghetto. She can't go home. And she's too short

play center for the Harlem Globetrotters.

Maude! Walter!

Do they always hassle each other like this? Oh, yeah. Ain't it cool?

Maude, if you insist on giving her money, I'm warning you.

a husband, I'll have to take the proper action. Oh, what are you going to do,

Walter? Beat me? Hit me? Like Francie's father?

I'll... I'll call a cop!

Francie is entitled to this one chance at happiness.

And I am going to make sure that she never has to meet that drunken monster

father of hers again.

I'm Francie's father.

in the kitchen till cooler heads prevail, okay?

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Potter.

Francie, you're coming home with me right now.

Don't you dare lay a hand on her helpless head, you drunken sot!

What'd you say?

How dare you inflict your mindless cruelties on this innocent child?

Woman, what are you talking about?

You cowards are all the same. Always picking on the defenseless.

Well, go ahead and hit me!

standing right there.

Mark, please.

Why doesn't he pick on someone his own size?

There isn't anyone his size.

Now look here, Mrs. Findlay. Don't you Mrs.

Findlay me, you big barge. Your drunken child -beating days are over.

Will you shut up?

Walter, did you hear what this monster actually said to me? Yes, he said,

will you shut up? A very common expression frequently heard in our

I don't know where you got the idea that I drink.

I've got an ulcer.

Have you ever heard of anybody getting drunk on Maalox?

And what's this about me bidding up on my girl?

Francie, I never hit you.

Well, only because she was afraid you'd kill me.

Francie, you lied to me.

I had to. The truth wouldn't have been worth $300.

Wait a minute.

Me first.

Walter, poor Mr.

Potter of Malox.

Francie, I went to bat for you. I even fought with my husband. But you do that

anyway. That's beside the point.

I trusted you because I thought you were my friend.

Well, friends like you are a dime a dozen, and they're overpriced. Who needs

Walter, call a cab. We're going to the theater.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Finley. Really, I am. I didn't want to lie to you. I'm sure you

didn't. No, no. Hinckley said that if I didn't get the money for him, he

wouldn't marry me and take me to California.

mean that you are dumb enough to let a ding -a -ling like Hinkley talk you into

a thing like this?

Hinkley's no ding -a -ling. You're right, honey. You're the ding -a -ling.

I mean, letting him talk you into doing something against your better judgment

just because you were afraid that was the only way you could hang on to him.

Hinkley's gone.

No, he's not. He wouldn't go without me.

I guess I am the ding -a -ling.

Um, Mr. Potter, would you excuse us for a minute for, you know, girl talk?

I'm sorry, Dad.

Thanks all the time.

Oh,

Francie.

The Hinckleys in our lives really hurt, don't they?

You know, there's even a name for them.

Stinkers.

Of course, I could talk to you woman to woman and tell you that we do get over

them, but that wouldn't make you feel any better, would it?

I just hope the next time you contemplate one of these whoopee trips

come and we talk it over first.

Good night, Mrs. Finley.

Thank you.

Well, that's show business.

Well, Maude, looks like she learned a lesson.

Oh, wrong, Walter.

Bless her heart, she's still lying through her teeth.

All that boy has to do is rattle his spoons and she'll be off like a shot.

Oh, I just hope Hinkley's really gone for good.

Oh, don't worry, Mort.

I'm positive he's gone off to pursue his musical career.

How can you be sure?

When he left, he took every damn spoon in the kitchen.

That's show business.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.