Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. No, no, no.

Walter.

Now, now, Maude, I want to get everything ready for the tax auditor.

Here, Walter, I made some nice fresh coffee and chicken sandwiches.

Why, thank you, Maud.

You're welcome, Walter.

Oh, Maud, you're a gem.

What's that, Maud? Your mustache is on fire.

That's good.

Why don't you make some coffee and sandwiches?

Just a minute, please. Walter, it's for you.

Walter! I'll take it black.

Walter, it's the fire department. They want to know what to do about your

mustache.

Tell them to come Thursday.

Walter, it's your accountant.

My accountant? My accountant's going to be here to help me with my taxes. It's

long distance, Walter, from Philadelphia.

Long distance?

What's going on in Philadelphia?

Since the Constitution was signed, nothing.

He's lucky it's foggy. I was there once when it was clear.

Maude, this is no time for jokes.

Now I'll have to handle the whole tax audit without him.

Walter, will you stop being so nervous? I can't help it. Come on, Walter, you've

done nothing wrong.

You're not trying to hide anything or cheat anyone. You have integrity.

You're the most honest man I know.

How bad is it?

anything that every other taxpayer doesn't do.

That bad, huh?

What? It's nothing.

It's just a matter of interpretation.

I accelerated the depreciation of some of the fixtures and delivery trucks at

the store.

Actually, it's not breaking the law. It's just bending it a little. Bending?

How far?

Over backwards.

Oh, Walter, where does it all end?

What has happened to the moral...

in this country, is there no difference between right and wrong?

Sure, it starts small, stealing from the cookie jar and copying answers on final

exams, now cheating on your income tax.

Walter, before you know it, if you're not careful, you'll have a really big

in Washington.

Hi,

Lonnie. Hi, Walter.

I see the tax auditor isn't here yet. Walter's not wearing handcuffs.

I'm not trying to get away with anything, Arthur.

Oh, come on.

Everybody hides something.

They have to.

I don't know how they expect anybody to get along with the taxes the way they

are today.

You know what the chief surgeon down at the hospital was forced to do?

Incorporate.

Yeah, it cost him three quarters of his income just to live.

Immediately, 25 % went into a pension fund.

$15 ,000 with interest.

At the end of 30 years, he has what?

$1 ,540 ,000.

If it wasn't for that, he wouldn't be able to save a penny.

Arthur, if there's an H &R Block in heaven, he'll get you for that.

This coffee reminds me, uh, I've got a patient with Tomein poisoning I gotta

see.

There's the tax man. I'll get it. Arthur, do I look all right?

Now cool down. Cool down, Walter.

You know, they're like bloodhounds. They can smell fear.

Mr. Finley, I'm... Clark Internal Revenue. I'm not Finley. I'm an honest

taxpayer. Here's the cheater.

How do you do, sir?

I'm Walter Cheater, Finley.

This is my wife, Mrs. Cheater.

Finley.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Here, let me take your hat.

Thank you.

Is something wrong, Mrs. Finley?

No, no, no.

You look very familiar. Have we met before?

I don't think so.

My accountant won't be able to join us today. He just called from Philadelphia.

He's fogged in.

Actually, he's lucky it's foggy.

I was there once when it was clear.

I was born in

Philadelphia.

Next time, keep your lousy jokes to yourself.

I have this uncanny feeling that we've met before. Could it have been many

years ago?

I'm afraid you're mistaken, Mrs. Finley.

Well, here we are, sir.

Everything is all laid out, sir. Neat and organized, sir.

Shouldn't take too long, sir.

Clark. Sir Clark, sir.

Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

Some coffee?

Uh, no. No, thank you.

Now I remember!

Charlestown Junior High. They called you Four Eyes. You were the kid who always

brought your lunch in the paper bag that leaked pickle juice.

for a moment now.

Excuse us, Mr. Clark.

Well,

you knocked it off with that staring.

And what's this? Haven't we met somewhere before?

I mean, that went out with Pee Wee Golf.

Walter, I am positive I have met that man before.

Forget it.

You've never seen him, and I've never seen him, and that's that. Walter, you

don't know everyone I've seen in the past.

I did have a life going on before you became my husband.

And before Chester, and before Barney, and before Albert.

And in between... Forget about it.

Will you stop bugging me about in between?

Well, get away from there!

He will see you. Now, you promise me you will not pick out the door again. All

right, all right.

Certainly, of course not. I mean, how could a heavy wooden door smashing

somebody in the face possibly hurt?

Are you sure? Yes.

Okay.

Darn, you made me forget what I was going to say.

Just what I always wanted, a receding nose.

Mother, is Walter a little nervous about his taxes?

Why do you ask?

Well... When the taxman put his pencil in his mouth, Walter tried to light it.

Lord, I hope he smokes.

You know, Carol, that man out there, I know I have met him before and I can't

figure out where and it's just driving me crazy.

I've never seen him before.

Maybe you're mistaken. Uh -uh. I know I have been involved with that man in the

past and I'm beginning to get a kind of queasy feeling as though it might have

been an unpleasant experience.

Maybe he's one of your ex -husbands.

Bye!

And another thing, Mr. Finley, I can't seem to find the original cost figures

your fixtures and delivery trucks.

Oh, them!

Oh, well, they're right here somewhere. I mean, after all, I have nothing to

hide. I put them here myself. I love Philadelphia.

Would you like some of your cream cheese?

the figures will keep.

I just wanted to check them against your depreciation.

Is anything wrong, Mrs. Finley?

No. No.

Maybe I ought to have a look at those figures afterwards.

They're all right there.

I'd like to see you in the kitchen for a moment.

What the hell are you trying to do?

Walter, that man out there, that self -righteous servant of our federal

government, tried to rape me.

When? The only time I turned my back was to hang up his hat.

last September.

In the very shadow of the Bunker Hill Monument, that wild animal tried to

criminally attack me. Wild animal?

More,

he's a pussycat. A United States government pussycat.

Walter, that monster is responsible for the most...

terrifying night of my life.

But how can you be so sure?

I mean, people change in 30 years. Yes, people change, Walter, but tattoos do

not. Didn't you see it when he rolled up his sleeve? It says Marvin.

That was the name of his dog.

Come on, Ward. There gotta be thousands of guys with Marvin tattooed on their

arms. Oh, come on, Walter.

31 years ago, there probably weren't two, three dogs in Massachusetts named

Marvin.

Walter, Walter, I'm shivering. Oh, Mark.

Walter, Walter, it was ghastly. I don't think I can handle this. Walter, help

me. Help me. Okay, sweetheart, but calm down.

But please, Walter, you will help me. You'll tell me what to do. Of course,

honey, you know that.

But before I can decide anything, I have to make sure we're on solid ground.

Now, let me ask you one more time.

You are absolutely certain that the man who tried to attack you over 31 years

ago is the same man who's out there right now investigating my tax return?

Absolutely, Walter. Now tell me what to do.

Let bygones be bygones.

Let

bygones

be bygones?

Walter, this was a crime of passion. and we were not playing kick the can.

Oh, please.

You don't know what I went through.

It was during the war.

Winnie Madower and I were victory bell volunteers at the USO.

You mean Clark was a soldier? Worse, a sailor.

But he seemed so sweet and so innocent.

Between dances, he kept showing me snapshots of his mother and his dog. I

remember they were both blonde.

Sounds like a nice guy to me.

Well, at least listen.

After the dance, Winnie and I accepted his invitation to go to Brigham's for

cream cone.

Oh, I remember it as though it were yesterday. I had a double chocolate

ripple in Rocky Road, and Winnie just had a single scoop of vanilla on a dish.

Well, she was always on a diet. Oh, Lord, was she fat.

Remember, the kids used to call her Bubble Butt.

Will you get to the point I'm not interested in Winnie Madowa's fanny?

was.

Anyway, he dropped Winnie off at her house. The next thing I knew, Walter, we

were parked behind the Bunker Hill Monument. He went crazy.

I tried to get away and he grabbed me and tore my favorite Angora sweater.

He was like a madman with blood in his eye and a fistful of fuzz.

and the car radio was blasting.

While I was fighting desperately to keep my clothes from being ripped off me,

Ishka Bibble was singing Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree.

Ishka Bibble? Walter, I was fighting for my life. I didn't have time to switch

stations.

Anyway, just when I thought the battle was lost, my saddle shoes smashed

his windshield.

Well, he was so startled that I just jumped out of the car and he didn't even

notice and I just, I ran and I ran and I ran and I didn't get home till two in

the morning.

Well, sweetheart, I know it was probably very upsetting for you, but at least he

didn't... Well, I mean, nothing happened.

Oh, and that makes it all right, won't it? Because he didn't finish what he

started out to do, that wipe the slate clean.

Hey, boy, it's all part of the dating game. It goes on all the time.

I mean, a guy takes a girl out in the car, and either he gets lucky or he gets

his face slapped.

And even if he gets his face slapped, he goes around bragging how lucky he got,

while the poor girl goes home in tears.

I mean, whether anything... happened or not, Walter, it was a humiliating,

degrading experience.

On top of everything else, he was wearing his good conduct ribbon.

What do you want me to do?

Go out there and beat him up because 31 years ago he made a path that you... Oh,

Walter, you make it sound so matter -of -fact, so trivial.

Do you know what happened to me when I got home that night? My father was

waiting for me at the door.

He took one look at my...

and my torn sweater and my broken bra strap, and we just said some terrible,

terrible things. He called me terrible names.

The Tramp, Fast, Common.

Those were the nice ones.

But why?

Why? Because he blamed me for the incident.

He said I broke his heart and I ruined his good name. It was six months before

he let me out again.

All right, Mort, it was a bad experience, but what do you hope to gain

opening up this can of peas again?

It'll only upset you, and it'll upset Mr. Clark.

But what do I care if he's upset?

What difference will it make?

About 3 ,000 bucks if he checks the depreciation.

You're all very plainly now.

Your petty little tax problem means more to you than my assault.

Mort, you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Assaulting a woman, Walter, is not a molehill, nor are her feelings about it.

They are our most precious possessions and they should be treated with dignity

and respect.

But I wouldn't expect you to understand that you're a man.

What a lousy thing to say.

Look, if you want the dignity and respect, what were you doing parking at

Bunker Hill Monument with a sailor?

Exactly what do you mean by that?

Even at 17, you had to know that he wasn't taking you to Bunker Hill to see

whites of your eyes.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

You blame me for the incident.

This is 31 years ago. I'm reliving the whole thing. You're my father all over

again. I am not your father!

You say that now, but wait till the first time I come home with a broken

strap.

Would you folks make an effort to keep your voices down? I'm trying to get some

work done. I'm sorry, Mr. Clark, that you don't like my speaking voice.

Perhaps you will like my singing voice better.

Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me. Anyone

else but me.

Anyone else but me. You don't get away that easily, Mr. Clark. Mr. Clark, think

hard. Boston.

I was never in Boston. Boston.

Massachusetts. Oh, wait a minute. Come to think of it, I was in Boston once for

a weekend while I was in the Navy during the war. Yes, think hard, Mr. Clark.

A balmy Indian summer evening filled with excitement.

Oh, yes, yes, of course. Now I remember. Now you remember. Will you please tell

my husband exactly as you recall it?

I saw the Red Sox beat the Yankees at Fenway Park.

Are you a baseball fan?

I am talking about a night I will never forget.

You attacked me!

I what?

Mrs. Finley, I am an agent of the United States government and a respectable

family man with a wife and six children. That figures.

I've heard of some pretty sleazy tricks in my day. Mr. Clark. This is the

lowest. Mr. Clark. Try to blackmail me so I'll go easy on your husband's taxes.

Mr. Clark, please don't go. My wife wasn't trying to blackmail you. I'm an

honest man.

Okay, so I accelerated the depreciation on my drugs.

Wait a minute.

That's what it was, accelerated depreciation.

Mr.

Clark, I'm going to give you one more chance.

A 19... A 1937 Chevy with a Betty Boop doll dangling from

the rear view mirror.

How did you know about that?

You and I, Mr. Clark, were parked behind the Bunker Hill Monument. You turned

off the lights and turned on the car radio before I knew what was happening.

Arms and legs were flying all over that car.

Mrs. Finley, I haven't the slightest notion of what you're talking about.

You mean you don't remember?

You mean after all the things that we almost did together?

Walter, he doesn't remember.

Mr. Clark, please, sit down on the sofa. Perhaps I can refresh your memory. Now,

just sit down.

I'll be you if you be me, okay? Now, as I recall, it all began, your hands were

on the steering wheel.

You mumbled something about how nice the moon looked shining down on old

ironsides in the harbor.

How nice the moon looks, shining down on old iron sides in the harbor.

What do you think you're doing? That's exactly what I said!

Replace the windshield during the war?

You see, Walter, I was right.

31 years, nothing has changed. You men just don't give a damn about how we

feel. Oh, that's not true. Wait a minute.

Mrs. Finley, now that you've refreshed my memory, I'm afraid it's yours that's

hazy. Did you or did you not put your arm around my neck?

Only because it was a balmy evening you asked me to help you off with your fur

chubby. My fur chubby was on my lap. It was my sweater you were trying to help

me off with.

Mrs. Finley, your memory is playing tricks. The truth is you panicked. I did

not. Now you got hysterical. I did not get hysterical. I never get hysterical.

When did I ever get hysterical?

Never. She never gets hysterical.

All right.

All right, maybe I did try to take some liberties.

But I was a kid going off to war.

I wanted to spend my last few hours ashore with a very charming, gorgeous,

if you'll pardon me, sexy dish. Yes, that's it. Pull the old patriotic thing.

The young man going off to war, not... What kind of dish?

I must say, you haven't changed a bit.

Thank you.

I still did not give you license to try to compromise me and then just fling me

aside without guilt or remorse. Mrs. Finley, I didn't just fling you aside. I

ran after you to apologize.

When? As soon as I brushed the windshield off my pants.

See, I told you he was a nice guy.

Mrs. Finley.

Look, my remembrance of the affair, the occasion, is

slightly different from yours, but if that's the way you remember it, then I'm

sorry. I ask your forgiveness.

I accept your apology, Mr. Clark.

More. You know, it takes a big, big man to say he was wrong and to apologize.

Thank you.

Oh, uh...

By the way, Mr.

Finley, there are the figures on your tax adjustment.

Thank you.

Mr.

Finley, I want you to know I didn't come all this way to hurt anybody.

Well, bye.

Maud.

Goodbye, Harvey.

Harold. Harold.

Years of humiliation and anger gone.

Walter, you'll never know how this makes me feel.

You don't know how this makes me feel.

How do you like that?

What he tried to do to me 31 years ago, he just did to you.

Hey, I just passed a revenue agent as he was leaving.

How did you make out, old buddy? You want to know how I made out?

It just cost me 2 ,700 bucks.

No wonder he was smiling.

Arthur, I hate to disappoint you, but that's not why he was smiling.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.