Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That'll

compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on, Maude.

I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty.

I feel pretty and witty and fat.

All right, I'll be back in about ten minutes.

What are you doing, catching up on the latest fashions? Yeah.

The thing that really gets me is the models in these ads.

A thousand dollars worth of dress draped over ten pounds of woman.

I guess the editors of Vogue don't know what most men know.

Where there is meat, there is heat.

If I was one of them Vogue models, I'd be run out of time for deformation of

skinniness.

Florida, I'd be the first one to agree with you that plump is beautiful.

But let's face it, you're never going to make Lena Horne eat her heart out.

Yeah, but you can't stop a gal from dreaming.

It's about time you got here. How do you expect me to finish dinner so late? Oh,

don't worry about dinner. It'll be a snap.

I bought a half pound of ground chuck and three packages of hamburger helper.

Oh, Lord, I have 45 minutes to get to Carl Haggerty's funeral.

To a funeral?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Send it to family? Oh, no. Nothing to be sorry about.

It's nothing personal. He was a salesman at my real estate office. This was a

business funeral.

A nice guy, though. Real go -getter. Very big in raw land.

Now he'll be even bigger.

Did you bake the brownies?

Good. I'm going to take them to the wake afterwards.

Everybody's bringing something.

Mrs. Haggerty gave me my choice of brownies, fudge, or Irish coffee.

Father Monaghan has a sweet tooth and a taste for the grape.

Sounds like a fun funeral.

Oh, by the way, Florida, there's a wallet in there with the groceries. I

it in the parking lot.

Walter Gilmartin, 1329 Sunflower Lane.

Gilmartin? Gilmartin.

I know the Gilmartins. They joined our club about five months ago.

She's that nearsighted, nervous little lady with the pointed ears who looks

a depressed rabbit.

Yeah, I'd better call her and tell her I have it. Honey, would you get the

number for me? I'm in a terrible hurry.

Oh, Florida.

Oh, have we been jogging? Jogging? I wasn't jogging. I was running.

I'll bet we ran five miles.

How about it was six?

You only left here three minutes ago.

Six miles in three minutes.

Must be a world record.

Yeah, for telling little white lies.

What again, Arthur?

Lauren, is Maude home yet?

Yep, but not for long.

She's going to a funeral and they're depending on her for the brownies.

I left it here when I changed into my jogging clothes.

Oh. Oh.

Walter Gilmartin.

Walter Gilmartin? Isn't that the new member of the club?

The one who's married to Bugs Bunny?

That's the guy.

Did you know he is one of the great women chasers of all time?

Yeah. While Bugs Bunny's home nibbling on her carrots, he's out sowing his

That scrawny little guy?

You'd be scrawny, too.

He doesn't even stop for meals.

the locker room made up a limerick about him.

Remarkable fellow, Gil Martin.

From bedroom to bedroom, he's darting.

The claims that he claimeth would startle Joe Namath.

His love life is quite far from Spartan.

Wow, he must be the world's greatest lover.

Which brings up a rather interesting question, Walter. What? What's his

doing in your house?

I'm having a mad, tempestuous affair with a man.

Thank goodness. For a second, I thought you were a pickpocket.

No, actually, I found it in Bohack's parking lot.

Sweetheart, listen, why won't you come with me to the Haggerty funeral?

I'm not hungry.

Besides, I never even met the...

When your business associate, George Hayakawa, died, you insisted that I go

that funeral, and I've never met the man either. That's different. I mean,

Hayakawa was important.

He was the wholesaler for all my Japanese toasters. I know. I kept

to pop up during the eulogy.

Listen, honey, since you're not going to the funeral, when Mrs. Gilmartin comes

by, see that she gets the wallet.

Mrs.

Gilmartin? You call his wife?

Wrong move, Marty.

Darn it, Maud. You had no business calling his wife.

What? is this? I do a good deed, and what do I get?

Abuse. Does this make me look depressed enough?

Maude, don't you realize that a man's wallet is one of those little private

corners of his life? He doesn't want other people pouring through it. That is

right, Marty.

My late wife Agnes and I had an understanding about that.

I kept my wallet on the nightstand.

She kept her things in the dresser drawers.

Now, she never looked in my wallet, and I never looked in her drawers.

You wouldn't care if I looked through it. But I would.

Come on, now.

Now, this is all wrong. I mean, it's perfect for a burial, but the fruit

go with the brownies.

Ward, it's a matter of principle. Would you like me rummaging through your

purse? Oh, Walter, rummage, rummage. My purse is an open book.

There's nothing in it I'm ashamed of, nothing I'd want to hide from you. Oh,

come on, Lord, I don't want to go rummaging through. What's this bill from

Bloomingdale? Don't change the subject.

You see, Marty, you didn't want Walter to see it.

Well, maybe Mr.

Gilmartin has something in his wallet he didn't want his wife to see. Come on,

Arthur, like what?

Well, we happen to have reason to believe that Gilmartin may be, uh, well,

horsing around.

You know what I mean, Mark?

I always know what you mean, Arthur. That's one of the problems we have in

communicating.

Now, you two are really something. Here you are sounding off about privacy and

principle when all you really are are two men who are sticking together to

protect another man who's cheating on his wife.

Do you think this is too Protestant for a Catholic funeral?

No, I think it's perfect.

It says, I care deeply, but I'm not a relative.

Mark, I don't want you to be responsible for breaking up Gilmartin's marriage.

So get over to the phone and call Mrs.

Gilmartin and stop her from coming over here, and that's final.

Yeah, I hope they don't start that funeral without me.

You see what happens when you put your foot down?

Hello? Yeah, this is Maude again.

Yeah, I just heard the nicest thing about your husband.

Remarkable fellow, Gilmartin. From bedroom to bedroom, he starts... Maude!

like his legs were spindly.

Now, look. Mrs.

Gilmartin gets the wallet. The subject is closed.

Florida, have you packed the brownies yet?

I can't go to the funeral empty -handed.

Why are you singing? I'm covering for you. Come on.

Hurry up.

I found something.

What? The Gilmartins live in New Rochelle, right?

Yes. Get a load of this.

Here's a rental receipt for an apartment in Manhattan made out to Walter Smith.

Wouldn't you think the guy could dream up a better name than Smith?

Well, he's got other things on his mind.

I'll keep this and give it to him when I see him.

Marty, we're going over to my place to look at the football game. Fine.

Every man has something to hide. Not necessarily.

I happen to believe very strongly in a man's privacy.

Besides, Mort, everyone has something he'd rather the rest of the world didn't

see. Have a nice funeral.

Every man has something he'd rather the world... Oh, Florida!

Listen, honey, when Mrs. Gilmartin comes by, her husband's wallet is right here

in the desk drawer.

Okay! And, uh... Listen, be very careful because Mr. Finley's wallet is here,

too.

seen and not heard, or even better, not seen and not heard.

Who's Walter Smith?

Wasn't he the one who dated Pocahontas?

That was John Smith. This is Walter. He rents an apartment in Manhattan.

Walter Smith?

Carol, this is not what you're thinking, and I resent your even letting it cross

your mind.

Stop it from crossing mine.

Carol. Carol, don't you know what this means?

My husband is a philanderer.

A philanderer? A philanderer. A philanderer. Oh, and they thought they

throw me off the scent. A remarkable fellow, Gilmartin. From carton to

he's darting. And barton and bursting and pritzing and banter and flash print.

Mother.

Will you not do this to yourself?

It must be some mistake. Walter is... the most faithful husband in the world.

You'd better trust him.

Trust him?

Oh, please.

Don't over -dramatize this.

Me? Over -dramatize? Don't be silly, Carol. I never over -dramatize.

But you're right.

There must be some mistake. Walter can't possibly have rented an apartment in

Manhattan under an assumed name. There must be some mistake.

And I'm going to find out who she is right now.

Mother!

Me? Over -dramatized?

Wouldn't you know it, even her voice is pretty.

party. The fifth... How the hell do I know who it is? This is the first time

me.

Oh.

You aren't... You bet I am.

Oh. You better come in.

Please excuse me.

I was just getting ready.

For what?

house calls also.

Sit, sit, please sit.

It's so funny how you can look at an unmade convertible sofa and your whole

passes in front of you.

Listen to me, miss, whatever your name is.

always hated the name Norma.

Well, let me tell you something, toots.

There's something that I think you should know about me.

I am not Joan Crawford coming to plead with Sandra Dee to please leave Water

Pigeon alone.

I am not going to start gushing tears and saying, oh, you're so young and

and you can have any man you want, so please give me back my husband.

That's not my style.

I'm an old hand at this marriage business.

So I'm going to give it to you straight.

Oh, Norma, you're so young and pretty.

You can have any man you want. Please give me back my husband.

Do you know something?

If you put this much emotion into your sex life, you wouldn't be...

shakes anyway.

Oh,

that's sick.

That is really sick.

I mean, knocking the man you share.

Listen, you may be a flashy blonde brunette and redhead.

you i was frigid no i mean i mean there has been that problem with this trick me

i swear to you i give that man

more love oh i'm sure you do oh i know

Yes, Norman.

Pretty names.

Come on, now, Norma, dear, chin up.

Dry those pretty glasses.

And don't you worry about Walter.

Fate will get even with Walter.

That's me, Fate.

Now, Norma, dear, you be strong, because believe me, I am going to take care of

Walter. for both of us.

Thank you. Thank you, Mrs.

Gilmartin.

And to think I gave up a funeral for...

Walter, beat me.

Beat me.

Beat me with the umbrella.

Don't be ridiculous, Ward.

I mean, what if it breaks and it rains tomorrow?

Walter, I come to you for punishment and what do you give me, a quip?

I mean, isn't there enough humor in this world already?

Oh, Walter, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But, Walter, I am so riddled with guilt.

I've been wandering around all day wondering how to tell you what I did.

I even stopped him at the funeral.

I had three Irish coffees and confessed twice to Father Monaghan.

He loves my hat.

Look, Walter. Shut up, Walter, and let me confess.

A receipt for Walter Gilmartin's apartment dropped out of your wallet.

Walter, I looked at it. Oh, I'm so ashamed.

confronted the girl darling darling darling we all make mistakes the

thing is that we learn from our lesson oh oh Walter Walter you're so

understanding well I like to think so that's why when Carol told me what you

that you went into town well

Lesson? What lesson, Mort?

Well, that a woman should never look through her husband's wallet because

certain to find something that'll wreck their marriage.

You think you learned your lesson? Oh, you didn't learn anything at all.

I was talking about a man's privacy, about everybody's right to privacy.

Here!

It's just a piece of leather. I can turn it inside out, upside down. It's still

just a piece of leather.

Keep your hands out of that secret compartment!

Too late, Findlay.

A lipstick print?

Signed Jane Russell?

And very important to me.

I was at the stage door canteen the night before they shipped me out to New

Jersey.

I was 21 and a Hollywood movie star

put a lipstick print on my cocktail doily.

And at first I kept it because I loved her. I wanted her.

And then later, it just sort of became a good luck charm.

I couldn't throw it away.

I'd buy a new wallet and stick Jane Russell's lips in it.

Lord, promise me you won't tell anybody.

Oh, sweetheart.

Look, I promise I won't tell anybody about this if you don't tell anybody

this.

You know the little star I have here?

Yeah, from the firecracker.

Billy Goodfield.

Who?

It's a private corner of my world.

Walter, I was 16 and Billy and I were dancing at the Totem Pole

Lodge in Nuremberg Lake in Newton, Massachusetts.

Vaughn Monroe and his orchestra were there.

started reaching for the moon.

He tried to kiss me in the middle of a dip.

He flipped and his braces caught right here.

It

wasn't

a firecracker.

It was Billy Hickey. I mean...

Sweetheart, it's very embarrassing.

I mean, it's childish and it's stupid and it's silly.

Well, you could have told that to me.

Well, why didn't you tell me about this?

Because that's very personal.

But this is very personal to me, too, Walter. How do you compare a kid with

pimples and braces to a Hollywood...

When they delivered it, he wasn't home, so they left it here.

For Arthur?

Yeah, and I happen to know there's something very personal in it, so I

want you to look into it.

Oh, honey, are you kidding?

After what happened to me yesterday, believe me, I wouldn't look into that

for all the tea in China.

Not for all the tea in China.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.