All language subtitles for Maude s02e15 The Love Birds

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything
but tranquilizing. Right on, Maude.

Lovely to look at, delightful to hold.

Here, quick.

Florida, take these.

I have had it with modern science.

Get rid of every one of these aerosol
cans. I don't want a single one left in

the house. What happened?

I just sprayed my hair with lemon
pledge.

Well, look on the bright side.

You won't have to dust your head no more
than five minutes.

That is not funny. My hair smells like a
knotty pine bedpost.

Oh, honey, you didn't have to polish
this just because Viv and Arthur are

to dinner.

But it was dull.

So is dinner with Vivian and Arthur.

Well, they can't help that, Mrs. Finley.
They lose.

Oh, I know. And I swear, if they behave
like two puppies in heat again tonight,

I'm going to throw a bucket of water on
them.

That I forgot?

Well, I didn't.

The morning after breakfast, you told me
to pick something up for you on the way

home. And in spite of the fact that you
say I always forget, well, memory of an

elephant. Ah, nay, I'm so proud of you.

You remembered Philadelphia cream
cheese. I remembered Philadelphia cream

cheese. No, I remembered Boston cream
pie.

Oh, Walter, that's wonderful. I'll put a
little horseradish in the Boston cream

pie. It'll make a fabulous dip for the
Fritos.

Crying out loud, Mort. I know it was an
eastern city with cream after it.

And besides, Boston and Philadelphia are
only 300 miles apart. That's close

enough.

I suppose I should be grateful he didn't
bring home the London flu.

Miss Finley, is it all right if I leave
now?

I want to get home to see the Harlem
Globetrotters. Oh, good.

The Harlem Globetrotters? I didn't know
you were interested in basketball.

I'm talking about my aunt and uncle.

They just come back home from a trip
around the world.

The Harlem Globetrotters.

Good night.

Maud, when are Vivian and Arthur coming?

Too soon.

And I'm warning you, Walter.

If they start spouting poetry at each
other, I may hit Arthur with a Boston

cream pie cheese dip.

Don't complain to me. That's your
Frankenstein.

If it hadn't been for you, they never
would have gotten together.

Honey, I know that, and that's why I'm
having them over for dinner tonight.

Walter Vivian is my best friend, and she
finally has a man in her life. That is

very important to me, Walter.

Even if the man is Arthur and the two of
them together are about as

scintillating as a commercial for
Preparation H.

Come on, Morsel. They're a little
affectionate.

Well, get ready.

Our two favorite lovebirds, Bill and
Coo.

You know, the way they're always groping
each other, I wonder what they're using

to ring the doorbell.

Hi, Walter.

We were just... Oh, just forget it,
Arthur.

And humps to you, Vivian. Just humps.

Did you hear that? They're arguing like
two human beings.

All right, you two. Now, what is going
on? Don't ask me, Marty.

All I know is that for no reason at all,
I'm suddenly an ogre, a monster, a...

Creep.

Vivian, you engage me in repartee, and
you will be cut to pieces.

Oh, yeah?

You really cut her to pieces with that
one.

I will never understand women. There's
only one woman I ever really understood,

and that was my Agnes. Arthur?

In 15 years, I only once heard her say
an unkind thing, and that was to a

dentist whose Masonic ring was pressing
against her nose.

Magnus. She puts down everything I have
to say. Arthur, so help me.

You know, Vivian, there is something I
have to get in the kitchen. What?

You.

Okay, Vivian, what give? Well, what am I
going to do with him? You heard him out

there.

Vivian, you are my best friend, and I
know that I have to calm you down and

you with this matter, or you're going to
hate yourself in the morning. And

Vivian, the way you look in the morning,
I wouldn't push my luck.

It's that wife of his, Agnes.

Agnes? Agnes has been dead for eight
years. I know, I know, and I could kill

for that.

He won't stop talking about her. I'm
competing with a woman who was perfect

every way.

Except for her health, Vivian.

He's so insensitive.

Let him a tie to go with that suit he's
wearing.

I noticed that the minute he walked in,
excellent taste. He's wearing a tie

Agnes gave him. And it's atrocious.

But the suit is in excellent taste. Oh,
Viv, come on now.

Honey, you have to realize you are the
first woman that Arthur has been

seriously attracted to since Agnes.

I mean, you have to give him a little
time to get over his romantic fantasies

loving her and get down to the harsh
realities of loving you.

You really think so? Of course.

Now, come on, honey. He mentions Agnes
every once in a while. I want you to go

back in there and show Arthur how
cheerful and smiling you can be. I'll

Okay? Now, remember, I want you to be
cheerful and smiling.

And cute and perky.

Now, cancel the cute and perky. We'll go
with the cheerful.

Get the broccoli.

I tell you, Walter, I never dreamed that
our first fight would be like this. I

thought at least it'd be a little love
and understanding. Okay, look, so you

a little misunderstanding, but don't
ruin your entire evening. She's going to

come around.

Just be your old, witty, debonair self.
Oh, Walter, I... Come on, Arthur, do it

for me.

I can't, I... Oh, come on.

Your old, debonair self.

Huh?

Witty, debonair... I'll do it.

After all, I got quite an investment in
that woman. I got ten pounds of prime

beef stored in her frozen food locker.

Oh, Vivian, hold it right there.

Standing there with the duck in your
hand.

You remind me of a poem.

Summer, winter, spring and fall, thou
art the fairest flower of all.

Oh, that's lovely, Arthur.

Just a little rhyming rhetoric I cooked
up.

I think you left it on a little too
long.

Lord, you know your hair smells like the
coffee table?

I know, Walter, I know. Not all of us
can be the fairest flower of them all.

Some of us are wood byproducts.

Well, how about letting the skilled
hands of a surgeon do the carving?

Scalpel?

Forceps?

Here we go.

Oh, too late.

That bird is a dead duck.

Aren't I?

I'm going to put it another way.

That duck's goose is cooked.

You can be so amusing.

Did you just make that up?

No, not really. That's the routine I
used to do for Agnes.

The routine you used to do for Agnes.

Cheerful, Vivian.

Cheerful.

When I used to carve Duggan, I'd go
quack, quack, quack, and Agnes would

Then when I carved Turkey, I'd go gubba,
gubba, gubba, gubba, and Agnes would

laugh. Agnes would laugh and laugh.

Agnes, Agnes, Agnes. She can't hear you,
Vivian. Now sit down.

No, Mark, no. I've had it with Agnes.
Now what's wrong?

Arthur, you are in love with a dead
woman, and I can't fight it anymore.

Come on, now. You're getting absolutely
hysterical over nothing.

I'm not getting hysterical. Now, come
on. Let the man carve.

Now, what's this all about?

I'll tell you what it's all about. It's
all about Arthur and his precious Agnes.

Agnes this, Agnes that.

It's a wonder you didn't have her
stuffed and mounted over your mantle.

Vivian, I'm shocked.

That's against the law.

It just so happens that Agnes was
cremated and her ashes were scattered

Mamaroneck. Yes, and if you ask me...

Over Mamarinac.

Yes, her father had a live bait store in
Mamarinac.

She spent many happy hours there. Here
we go again.

Agnes, Agnes, Agnes. Oh, come on. For
heaven's sake, Vivian.

Now, when Walter and I first started
going together, I was constantly

my previous husband, Albert.

Walter never objected.

If you don't believe me, ask him. He's
an expert on the subject.

Well, frankly, I think Vivian is right.
What do you know?

If you have nothing intelligent to
contribute, then just get out of the

conversation.

Well, I can see how Arthur's mentioning
Agnes all the time could really drive

Vivian up a wall.

Thank you, Walter.

You're welcome, Vivian. Mine is right,
Walter, as usual. Thank you, Walter.

You're welcome.

Walter, I do not mention Agnes all the
time.

And I thank the Lord that there's one
person that isn't here tonight to hear

this stupid conversation, and that's my
Agnes.

All right, you did it again. I'm fed up.
I am fed, fed, fed, fed. Up, up, up,

up.

And as for you, Arthur Hyman, I will
never go out with a widower again.

Unless his wife is still alive.

Frankly, Walter, I don't care for your
attitude.

a lot of good being witty and debonair
did me.

And speaking of fat, look at your duck.

A fine evening this turned out to be.

A vindictive woman and a fat duck.

Well, Arthur and Vivian are gone.
They'll probably never speak to each

again.

You see what you did?

What I did? Come on, Ward. Get off my
back.

Vivian had a perfect right to be fed up.
Oh, come on. Vivian was behaving

completely irrationally and stupid,
which she got from you.

Vivian's reaction was perfectly natural.

Vivian's getting hysterical over Agnes
was perfectly natural? That's right. It

was perfectly natural.

Like the way I felt about this house
when I moved in.

I mean, Arthur's just going to have to
realize that.

with Vivian until they can work out
their problems together. Walter, what

this house? What house? This house. Your
feelings about this house?

Nothing. It was nothing.

Look, this is a marvelous house. I mean,
it's got a great floor plan, a lot of

windows, a nice neighborhood more than
the garbage picked up twice a week.

you can think about is your duck.

What crisis?

It's just that I resented moving into
this house, that's all. Now, come on,

hungry. Give me my duck.

Walter, you have lived in this house for
five years and hated it?

I don't hate it, Lord. It's just that
before me, you lived in this house with

another husband, Albert.

So it finally comes out.

Five years in this house, and you've
been constantly thinking Albert.

Albert, Albert.

Maude, believe me.

Look, it used to bother me at first, but
it doesn't anymore.

Now the name Albert never enters my
mind. Never.

Oh, Walter.

If I could believe that, I'd be the
happiest wife in the world. Then you are

happiest wife in the world.

Really, Walter? I swear it, Albert.

Thank you, Walter.

Lord, it was a mistake. It was a
mistake. I didn't mean that. I mean,

came out like that. Look,

what are you doing with that duck? I'm
getting rid of it so it won't remind you

of Albert.

Lord, everything else in this house may
have belonged to Albert, but that duck

was mine.

the house, you obviously hate the house.
Maude, you're misunderstanding

everything. So I happen to mention
Albert's house. Did I say one word about

Albert's chair, about Albert's desk,
about Albert's rugs?

Ah, I know what's bothering you. And it
is not Albert's chair or Albert's desk

or Albert's rug.

It is Albert's bedroom.

And you might as well hate the guest
room because that's where Albert spent

last six months of our seven -month
marriage.

Mind that I'm jealous of Albert Moore.
Well, I am not jealous. Oh, come on. Of

course you're jealous, Walter.

You're so green, your mustache looks
like AstroTurf.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stop with
that. Sit down quietly, because I want

to talk to you.

Sweetheart, listen, when we got married,
I wanted the joy and the excitement of

the two of us discovering our house
together.

Our house.

I mean...

exploring the kitchen, you know, and
deciding what color to paint it,

like, where the furniture would go, and
then buying the furniture. That's all I

meant, honey.

Why didn't you mention this before we
got married, dearest? I mean, I would

understood this, darling.

Oh, come on now, sweetie. You should
have known how I felt about this all

honey bunch.

precious.

Was it written in a fortune cookie I
missed?

You didn't trust me.

You did not trust me, Walter, to
understand how you felt. Ward, it had

to do with trusting you.

I was going to tell you, but the weeks
went by and they turned into months.

Well, you seem to be so happy here, so I
accepted it and I learned to live with

it. Like a man with a goiter.

Learn to live with a two -story goiter.

Goiter? How could you keep it from...
How could you keep from the woman you

loved something that was eating your
heart out? I learned to live with it,

love it, so shut up! I don't want to
talk about this lousy place anymore!

I'm right!

Kick Albert's table!

If it'll make you any happier, I will
kick Albert's table.

Did you hurt yourself?

Yeah. Good, that was Chester's table,
not mine.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Boss, where were you going?

To the den.

Albert's den.

I don't know what I want to talk to you.

Hold on, lock this door. I don't want to
talk to you. Oh,

Arthur, what do you want?

I need your help. Arthur, would you go
home? Mort and I are having a battle

makes yours and Vivian's look like a
pajama party.

But, Walter, you've got to help me.

Where's your Epsom salts?

Now Vivian won't even talk to me. You're
lucky.

I called her three times and she
wouldn't answer.

And she called me to tell me she was so
upset she needed a tranquilizer.

So I rushed right over.

She took the tranquilizer and slammed
the door in my face.

I got so angry I banged the door.

Ten minutes ago, that was the delicate
hand of a skilled surgeon.

If that swelling doesn't go down, I'm
liable to lose two appendectomies and a

gallbladder.

Oh, sir. Well, gallbladders don't grow
on trees, you know.

Oh, hi there, Marty.

Brian, out loud, Mort. What are you
looking for?

Albert's hammer.

What are you going to use it on?

The justice of the peace who married us.

For five years, I bury my feelings so I
won't hurt the woman I love.

And then you come along and talk about
Agnes and you hurt Vivian's feelings.

Then I talk about Albert and I hurt
Maude's feelings.

Think of me, Arthur.

Do yourself a favor and don't get
married again. Me, married again?

No chance of that, old buster.

No more marriage for old Arthur Q.
Harmon.

Arthur Q.

Harmon?

For quince, my father was fond of
tropical fruits.

Well, I hope that's something of Albert
she's banging on.

What are you doing?

Can't you tell? I'm building a stairway
to the stars.

Come on, give me that. You'll hurt
yourself.

Now, look, Mort, about the house. I
don't want to hear another word about

house. There.

Now, what's this sign for?

Our front lawn.

Are you trying to make me feel guilty?

Okay, then sell the house for all I
care. I'll even help you drive the stake

You'll help me drive the stake in?

Okay, well... The two of us, we live in

Transylvania.

We can break you.

I'm married to a five -foot -ten
fruitcake.

I will put the sign out myself.

I'm the real estate person. I will sell
the house.

Oh, Ma, I've got to talk to you. I'm so
upset.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Oh, thank
you, Ma. Now that we've had our little

chat and you're feeling better, go home.

Right in the knocker. Oh, let Vivian
kiss it and make it

better.

Is that better?

You know, that does feel better.

It really does.

Oh, Vivian, with a woman like you
around, who needs Epsom salts?

What do you mean?

I do, I do.

Arthur,

we might as well stop seeing each other.

How can you say that, Vivian? Well,
because it's true. How can we have a

meaningful relationship when you can't
even bury Agnes?

Vivian.

If I could find her, I'd bury her.

I really mean that.

The only reason I keep mentioning Agnes
is because she's all I've ever had.

Until I met you.

Oh, Arthur, if only I could believe
that, I'd marry you in a minute.

Believe it, Vivian. Believe it.

Yeah? Arthur, you just made me the
happiest woman in the world.

It wasn't something I said.

We're actually engaged.

I don't know where I got the nerve to
ask you.

Well, it looks like the four of us will
be next -door neighbors.

Next -door neighbors?

Well, naturally, we're going to move
into my house. It's bigger than your

It has everything we need. Oh, well, of
course, if you really feel that way.

Come along, my dear. I want to show you
something.

I want to show you something I have
never shown you before.

You are going to love Agnes' sewing
room.

I haven't touched a thing.

Except to oil the machine every year on
our anniversary. Come on.

Oh,

honey.

Is that what I did to you?

It wasn't that bad.

Albert didn't own a sewing machine.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

I was pretty stupid.

Seeing Arthur and Vivian makes me
realize how lucky we are.

Maud, it's not a house or furniture that
make a home.

We could live in a tent in the backyard.
We could live in the garage, any place.

And it'd be our home because we'd be
there together.

Oh, you're right. You're right, Walter.

And, Walter, we've been together all...
over this house we fought in that corner

and we fought in that corner we fought
upstairs and we fought in the basement

threw dishes in the kitchen and we threw
phonograph records in the den we threw

suitcases out the window and you flushed
my eyelashes down the john

I never heard of such a thing.

Now, I'll talk to you later, Viv.

Well, Walter, your friend has done it
again.

Arthur? What's he done now?

Well, Viv wants to get married right
away, and Arthur said absolutely not.

He's calling it off? No, he's just
postponing it. You see, since he's a

he gave Vivian the blood test himself.

And he found out she has low blood
sugar.

So he wants to put off the wedding until
she raises it to a marriageable level.

You're kidding.

And that's not all. On top of
everything, he charged her $10 for the

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.