Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Right on, Maude.

Lovely to look at, delightful to hold.

Here, quick.

Florida, take these.

I have had it with modern science.

Get rid of every one of these aerosol cans. I don't want a single one left in

the house. What happened?

I just sprayed my hair with lemon pledge.

Well, look on the bright side.

You won't have to dust your head no more than five minutes.

That is not funny. My hair smells like a knotty pine bedpost.

Oh, honey, you didn't have to polish this just because Viv and Arthur are

to dinner.

But it was dull.

So is dinner with Vivian and Arthur.

Well, they can't help that, Mrs. Finley. They lose.

Oh, I know. And I swear, if they behave like two puppies in heat again tonight,

I'm going to throw a bucket of water on them.

That I forgot?

Well, I didn't.

The morning after breakfast, you told me to pick something up for you on the way

home. And in spite of the fact that you say I always forget, well, memory of an

elephant. Ah, nay, I'm so proud of you.

You remembered Philadelphia cream cheese. I remembered Philadelphia cream

cheese. No, I remembered Boston cream pie.

Oh, Walter, that's wonderful. I'll put a little horseradish in the Boston cream

pie. It'll make a fabulous dip for the Fritos.

Crying out loud, Mort. I know it was an eastern city with cream after it.

And besides, Boston and Philadelphia are only 300 miles apart. That's close

enough.

I suppose I should be grateful he didn't bring home the London flu.

Miss Finley, is it all right if I leave now?

I want to get home to see the Harlem Globetrotters. Oh, good.

The Harlem Globetrotters? I didn't know you were interested in basketball.

I'm talking about my aunt and uncle.

They just come back home from a trip around the world.

The Harlem Globetrotters.

Good night.

Maud, when are Vivian and Arthur coming?

Too soon.

And I'm warning you, Walter.

If they start spouting poetry at each other, I may hit Arthur with a Boston

cream pie cheese dip.

Don't complain to me. That's your Frankenstein.

If it hadn't been for you, they never would have gotten together.

Honey, I know that, and that's why I'm having them over for dinner tonight.

Walter Vivian is my best friend, and she finally has a man in her life. That is

very important to me, Walter.

Even if the man is Arthur and the two of them together are about as

scintillating as a commercial for Preparation H.

Come on, Morsel. They're a little affectionate.

Well, get ready.

Our two favorite lovebirds, Bill and Coo.

You know, the way they're always groping each other, I wonder what they're using

to ring the doorbell.

Hi, Walter.

We were just... Oh, just forget it, Arthur.

And humps to you, Vivian. Just humps.

Did you hear that? They're arguing like two human beings.

All right, you two. Now, what is going on? Don't ask me, Marty.

All I know is that for no reason at all, I'm suddenly an ogre, a monster, a...

Creep.

Vivian, you engage me in repartee, and you will be cut to pieces.

Oh, yeah?

You really cut her to pieces with that one.

I will never understand women. There's only one woman I ever really understood,

and that was my Agnes. Arthur?

In 15 years, I only once heard her say an unkind thing, and that was to a

dentist whose Masonic ring was pressing against her nose.

Magnus. She puts down everything I have to say. Arthur, so help me.

You know, Vivian, there is something I have to get in the kitchen. What?

You.

Okay, Vivian, what give? Well, what am I going to do with him? You heard him out

there.

Vivian, you are my best friend, and I know that I have to calm you down and

you with this matter, or you're going to hate yourself in the morning. And

Vivian, the way you look in the morning, I wouldn't push my luck.

It's that wife of his, Agnes.

Agnes? Agnes has been dead for eight years. I know, I know, and I could kill

for that.

He won't stop talking about her. I'm competing with a woman who was perfect

every way.

Except for her health, Vivian.

He's so insensitive.

Let him a tie to go with that suit he's wearing.

I noticed that the minute he walked in, excellent taste. He's wearing a tie

Agnes gave him. And it's atrocious.

But the suit is in excellent taste. Oh, Viv, come on now.

Honey, you have to realize you are the first woman that Arthur has been

seriously attracted to since Agnes.

I mean, you have to give him a little time to get over his romantic fantasies

loving her and get down to the harsh realities of loving you.

You really think so? Of course.

Now, come on, honey. He mentions Agnes every once in a while. I want you to go

back in there and show Arthur how cheerful and smiling you can be. I'll

Okay? Now, remember, I want you to be cheerful and smiling.

And cute and perky.

Now, cancel the cute and perky. We'll go with the cheerful.

Get the broccoli.

I tell you, Walter, I never dreamed that our first fight would be like this. I

thought at least it'd be a little love and understanding. Okay, look, so you

a little misunderstanding, but don't ruin your entire evening. She's going to

come around.

Just be your old, witty, debonair self. Oh, Walter, I... Come on, Arthur, do it

for me.

I can't, I... Oh, come on.

Your old, debonair self.

Huh?

Witty, debonair... I'll do it.

After all, I got quite an investment in that woman. I got ten pounds of prime

beef stored in her frozen food locker.

Oh, Vivian, hold it right there.

Standing there with the duck in your hand.

You remind me of a poem.

Summer, winter, spring and fall, thou art the fairest flower of all.

Oh, that's lovely, Arthur.

Just a little rhyming rhetoric I cooked up.

I think you left it on a little too long.

Lord, you know your hair smells like the coffee table?

I know, Walter, I know. Not all of us can be the fairest flower of them all.

Some of us are wood byproducts.

Well, how about letting the skilled hands of a surgeon do the carving?

Scalpel?

Forceps?

Here we go.

Oh, too late.

That bird is a dead duck.

Aren't I?

I'm going to put it another way.

That duck's goose is cooked.

You can be so amusing.

Did you just make that up?

No, not really. That's the routine I used to do for Agnes.

The routine you used to do for Agnes.

Cheerful, Vivian.

Cheerful.

When I used to carve Duggan, I'd go quack, quack, quack, and Agnes would

Then when I carved Turkey, I'd go gubba, gubba, gubba, gubba, and Agnes would

laugh. Agnes would laugh and laugh.

Agnes, Agnes, Agnes. She can't hear you, Vivian. Now sit down.

No, Mark, no. I've had it with Agnes. Now what's wrong?

Arthur, you are in love with a dead woman, and I can't fight it anymore.

Come on, now. You're getting absolutely hysterical over nothing.

I'm not getting hysterical. Now, come on. Let the man carve.

Now, what's this all about?

I'll tell you what it's all about. It's all about Arthur and his precious Agnes.

Agnes this, Agnes that.

It's a wonder you didn't have her stuffed and mounted over your mantle.

Vivian, I'm shocked.

That's against the law.

It just so happens that Agnes was cremated and her ashes were scattered

Mamaroneck. Yes, and if you ask me...

Over Mamarinac.

Yes, her father had a live bait store in Mamarinac.

She spent many happy hours there. Here we go again.

Agnes, Agnes, Agnes. Oh, come on. For heaven's sake, Vivian.

Now, when Walter and I first started going together, I was constantly

my previous husband, Albert.

Walter never objected.

If you don't believe me, ask him. He's an expert on the subject.

Well, frankly, I think Vivian is right. What do you know?

If you have nothing intelligent to contribute, then just get out of the

conversation.

Well, I can see how Arthur's mentioning Agnes all the time could really drive

Vivian up a wall.

Thank you, Walter.

You're welcome, Vivian. Mine is right, Walter, as usual. Thank you, Walter.

You're welcome.

Walter, I do not mention Agnes all the time.

And I thank the Lord that there's one person that isn't here tonight to hear

this stupid conversation, and that's my Agnes.

All right, you did it again. I'm fed up. I am fed, fed, fed, fed. Up, up, up,

up.

And as for you, Arthur Hyman, I will never go out with a widower again.

Unless his wife is still alive.

Frankly, Walter, I don't care for your attitude.

a lot of good being witty and debonair did me.

And speaking of fat, look at your duck.

A fine evening this turned out to be.

A vindictive woman and a fat duck.

Well, Arthur and Vivian are gone. They'll probably never speak to each

again.

You see what you did?

What I did? Come on, Ward. Get off my back.

Vivian had a perfect right to be fed up. Oh, come on. Vivian was behaving

completely irrationally and stupid, which she got from you.

Vivian's reaction was perfectly natural.

Vivian's getting hysterical over Agnes was perfectly natural? That's right. It

was perfectly natural.

Like the way I felt about this house when I moved in.

I mean, Arthur's just going to have to realize that.

with Vivian until they can work out their problems together. Walter, what

this house? What house? This house. Your feelings about this house?

Nothing. It was nothing.

Look, this is a marvelous house. I mean, it's got a great floor plan, a lot of

windows, a nice neighborhood more than the garbage picked up twice a week.

you can think about is your duck.

What crisis?

It's just that I resented moving into this house, that's all. Now, come on,

hungry. Give me my duck.

Walter, you have lived in this house for five years and hated it?

I don't hate it, Lord. It's just that before me, you lived in this house with

another husband, Albert.

So it finally comes out.

Five years in this house, and you've been constantly thinking Albert.

Albert, Albert.

Maude, believe me.

Look, it used to bother me at first, but it doesn't anymore.

Now the name Albert never enters my mind. Never.

Oh, Walter.

If I could believe that, I'd be the happiest wife in the world. Then you are

happiest wife in the world.

Really, Walter? I swear it, Albert.

Thank you, Walter.

Lord, it was a mistake. It was a mistake. I didn't mean that. I mean,

came out like that. Look,

what are you doing with that duck? I'm getting rid of it so it won't remind you

of Albert.

Lord, everything else in this house may have belonged to Albert, but that duck

was mine.

the house, you obviously hate the house. Maude, you're misunderstanding

everything. So I happen to mention Albert's house. Did I say one word about

Albert's chair, about Albert's desk, about Albert's rugs?

Ah, I know what's bothering you. And it is not Albert's chair or Albert's desk

or Albert's rug.

It is Albert's bedroom.

And you might as well hate the guest room because that's where Albert spent

last six months of our seven -month marriage.

Mind that I'm jealous of Albert Moore. Well, I am not jealous. Oh, come on. Of

course you're jealous, Walter.

You're so green, your mustache looks like AstroTurf.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Stop with that. Sit down quietly, because I want

to talk to you.

Sweetheart, listen, when we got married, I wanted the joy and the excitement of

the two of us discovering our house together.

Our house.

I mean...

exploring the kitchen, you know, and deciding what color to paint it,

like, where the furniture would go, and then buying the furniture. That's all I

meant, honey.

Why didn't you mention this before we got married, dearest? I mean, I would

understood this, darling.

Oh, come on now, sweetie. You should have known how I felt about this all

honey bunch.

precious.

Was it written in a fortune cookie I missed?

You didn't trust me.

You did not trust me, Walter, to understand how you felt. Ward, it had

to do with trusting you.

I was going to tell you, but the weeks went by and they turned into months.

Well, you seem to be so happy here, so I accepted it and I learned to live with

it. Like a man with a goiter.

Learn to live with a two -story goiter.

Goiter? How could you keep it from... How could you keep from the woman you

loved something that was eating your heart out? I learned to live with it,

love it, so shut up! I don't want to talk about this lousy place anymore!

I'm right!

Kick Albert's table!

If it'll make you any happier, I will kick Albert's table.

Did you hurt yourself?

Yeah. Good, that was Chester's table, not mine.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Boss, where were you going?

To the den.

Albert's den.

I don't know what I want to talk to you.

Hold on, lock this door. I don't want to talk to you. Oh,

Arthur, what do you want?

I need your help. Arthur, would you go home? Mort and I are having a battle

makes yours and Vivian's look like a pajama party.

But, Walter, you've got to help me.

Where's your Epsom salts?

Now Vivian won't even talk to me. You're lucky.

I called her three times and she wouldn't answer.

And she called me to tell me she was so upset she needed a tranquilizer.

So I rushed right over.

She took the tranquilizer and slammed the door in my face.

I got so angry I banged the door.

Ten minutes ago, that was the delicate hand of a skilled surgeon.

If that swelling doesn't go down, I'm liable to lose two appendectomies and a

gallbladder.

Oh, sir. Well, gallbladders don't grow on trees, you know.

Oh, hi there, Marty.

Brian, out loud, Mort. What are you looking for?

Albert's hammer.

What are you going to use it on?

The justice of the peace who married us.

For five years, I bury my feelings so I won't hurt the woman I love.

And then you come along and talk about Agnes and you hurt Vivian's feelings.

Then I talk about Albert and I hurt Maude's feelings.

Think of me, Arthur.

Do yourself a favor and don't get married again. Me, married again?

No chance of that, old buster.

No more marriage for old Arthur Q. Harmon.

Arthur Q.

Harmon?

For quince, my father was fond of tropical fruits.

Well, I hope that's something of Albert she's banging on.

What are you doing?

Can't you tell? I'm building a stairway to the stars.

Come on, give me that. You'll hurt yourself.

Now, look, Mort, about the house. I don't want to hear another word about

house. There.

Now, what's this sign for?

Our front lawn.

Are you trying to make me feel guilty?

Okay, then sell the house for all I care. I'll even help you drive the stake

You'll help me drive the stake in?

Okay, well... The two of us, we live in

Transylvania.

We can break you.

I'm married to a five -foot -ten fruitcake.

I will put the sign out myself.

I'm the real estate person. I will sell the house.

Oh, Ma, I've got to talk to you. I'm so upset.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Oh, thank you, Ma. Now that we've had our little

chat and you're feeling better, go home.

Right in the knocker. Oh, let Vivian kiss it and make it

better.

Is that better?

You know, that does feel better.

It really does.

Oh, Vivian, with a woman like you around, who needs Epsom salts?

What do you mean?

I do, I do.

Arthur,

we might as well stop seeing each other.

How can you say that, Vivian? Well, because it's true. How can we have a

meaningful relationship when you can't even bury Agnes?

Vivian.

If I could find her, I'd bury her.

I really mean that.

The only reason I keep mentioning Agnes is because she's all I've ever had.

Until I met you.

Oh, Arthur, if only I could believe that, I'd marry you in a minute.

Believe it, Vivian. Believe it.

Yeah? Arthur, you just made me the happiest woman in the world.

It wasn't something I said.

We're actually engaged.

I don't know where I got the nerve to ask you.

Well, it looks like the four of us will be next -door neighbors.

Next -door neighbors?

Well, naturally, we're going to move into my house. It's bigger than your

It has everything we need. Oh, well, of course, if you really feel that way.

Come along, my dear. I want to show you something.

I want to show you something I have never shown you before.

You are going to love Agnes' sewing room.

I haven't touched a thing.

Except to oil the machine every year on our anniversary. Come on.

Oh,

honey.

Is that what I did to you?

It wasn't that bad.

Albert didn't own a sewing machine.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

I was pretty stupid.

Seeing Arthur and Vivian makes me realize how lucky we are.

Maud, it's not a house or furniture that make a home.

We could live in a tent in the backyard. We could live in the garage, any place.

And it'd be our home because we'd be there together.

Oh, you're right. You're right, Walter.

And, Walter, we've been together all... over this house we fought in that corner

and we fought in that corner we fought upstairs and we fought in the basement

threw dishes in the kitchen and we threw phonograph records in the den we threw

suitcases out the window and you flushed my eyelashes down the john

I never heard of such a thing.

Now, I'll talk to you later, Viv.

Well, Walter, your friend has done it again.

Arthur? What's he done now?

Well, Viv wants to get married right away, and Arthur said absolutely not.

He's calling it off? No, he's just postponing it. You see, since he's a

he gave Vivian the blood test himself.

And he found out she has low blood sugar.

So he wants to put off the wedding until she raises it to a marriageable level.

You're kidding.

And that's not all. On top of everything, he charged her $10 for the

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.