Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's my...

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizer. Not on Maud.

Now, wait a minute, Florida. What do you mean she's out? Will you stop yelling

at me, Mr. Farrell? I'm not yelling. And if I am yelling, I'm sorry.

I mean, believe me, the last thing in the world I wanted to make you mad at

Well, if that's the last thing you want.

Then you ain't got nothing to look forward to because you have just reached

goal.

Well, I'm sick and tired of coming home and never finding more here.

What about a phone call, a message? She must have said something to you,

Florida. To the best of my recollection, she ain't told me nothing.

And anything I might add would be hearsay.

So what kind of an answer is that?

Well, I figured if it worked for Watergate, it'll work for me.

Don't go blaming me. I didn't give Mrs. Finley no real estate license.

Well, neither did I.

For the last three weeks, she's never been home.

She's always out trying to sell a house someplace.

What's that?

That is your dinner that Mrs. Finley prepared with her own two hands.

Green noodle surprise.

Green noodle surprise? It smells awful.

Yeah, but it smells better than it tastes.

That's the surprise, Clive.

Florida, I've had the world's worst day, and I need a woman.

A woman who can give me comfort and affection and some tender, loving care.

Well, who did you?

Florida, I can serve myself.

Go get your bus. Oh, great.

And if I hurry, I can still catch the day worker section of the ghetto flyer.

Son to son. But woman's work is never done.

Arthur, go away.

What did you do, burn yourself?

No, I didn't burn myself. I always butter my finger before dinner.

You shouldn't put butter on a burn.

That needs a doctor's attention.

All gone.

I swear, I saw a science fiction movie last night, and that very stuff was

over the earth.

Walter! Honey, I'm home!

Walter, wait!

For heaven's sake, fix your hair.

She doesn't want to come home to a household drudge.

Knock it off, Walter.

Walter. Walter, Walter, I think I have sold my first house. Hey!

The Kaplan's seem like truly motivated buyers.

Because I won't really know until tomorrow morning. But, Walter, if I sell

house, I make $932 in commission.

If this keeps up, we can move into a bigger place.

I'll sell it to you.

Congratulations, Marty.

$932. That's not bad for a woman.

Listen, Arthur, for your information, women are holding their...

in every profession.

This in spite of the fact that the only encouragement you've given us is in the

world's oldest profession.

Which, incidentally, Arthur, you couldn't make a nickel at.

Really? I could have been a midnight cowboy, you know.

I just don't like to stay up that late.

Everybody's talking at me.

Forget about Arthur and let me have my dinner.

you upset about something?

Upset? Do I look like a man who's upset?

Oh, come on now, Walter. With that look on your face, you're either upset or

you're suffering a massive attack of trapped gas bubbles.

You had a bad day, didn't you, dear?

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I've been so busy talking about my day, I didn't

even think to ask you about yours.

Sweetheart, how was your day?

Well, you know, the first house I showed the captain, it was so embarrassing.

We were in the bathroom and I flushed the john, you know, to show them that it

worked. And it worked.

And it worked. And it worked. And it worked. And it worked. And all I could

think of to say was, my, aren't we lucky? My cup runneth over.

You were saying?

Not now, Walter. I'm expecting the bungays.

That must be them. Oh, Walter, Walter, I'm showing them the Connolly house down

the block.

Coming! I'm coming!

I'm coming!

Oh, Mr.

and Mrs.

Fungay, how terribly sweet of you to meet me here instead of down at the

But this absolute dream of a house I'm showing you is right around the corner.

Glad to do it, little lady. Anything to get out of Llewitt. Oh, I know.

Oh,

this house is adorable.

Look how I just love that staircase.

Oh, yeah.

Hey,

hey, look, look.

They don't build their cases like this anymore. No, they don't. I was so lucky

it came with the stairs.

I just love this place.

I don't suppose, Mrs. Finley, that this house is for sale.

Well, as we in the trade always say, Mrs. Bungay, any house is for sale at

right price.

Mrs. Finley, I'm in meat.

Believe me, I've got the right price.

Now look at the dining room, Howard.

Oh, will you excuse me?

Hello?

No, this is not Mr. Findlay. This is Mrs. Findlay.

Yeah, yeah, thank you. You have a clarion voice, too.

Are you Tudor House on Simmons?

Let's look at the kitchen. Oh, Mrs.

Bungay, wait!

We're just looking.

Go right on in. Howard, I just adore this kitchen. Yeah, they don't make

kitchens like this anymore.

How much is Miss Finley asking for this house?

This house is not for sale. Oh.

But we... If you want to buy something, how would you like to buy this?

What?

Walter, that's no way to invite people to dinner. I'm terrible at that.

Mrs. Finley...

He's got a lot to learn about being a host. Oh, I'm very sorry. No, Mort, I'm

sorry. I'm sorry you ever got your real estate license. Get him out!

Look, I'm going to show you the Connelly house. You'll love it.

I want to thank you for your help, Walter. And just so that you don't think

ungrateful, from now on, darling, your love life is going to be about as

exciting as a rerun of the Donna Reed show.

a minute. Oh, and please excuse my husband.

We think it's a calcium deficiency.

Congratulations,

Walter. If you wanted this to be the single most humiliating moment of my

you succeeded.

Have you gone completely bananas trying to sell this house? Oh, come on, Walter.

You know darn well I have no intention of selling this house. It was just a

sales ploy.

And believe me, after a hard day at the office, I don't have to come home to

this. I come home three nights this week and I got nobody to listen to but

myself. You must get a lot of sleep that way.

Walter, how about me? When you work late at the office and I am alone, do I

complain? Everybody expects a man to work late. That happens.

Ah, that's man's work, isn't it? That's right. And the other things, the cooking

and the sewing and the cleaning, that's woman's work. Yes.

Walter, I want more of that.

I need more than that.

Maud Findlay, Walter, who never accomplished anything in the outside

she could be proud of, has won her real estate license.

You also got a marriage license, Maud. I know, Walter. And so do 300 girls in

Kentucky who are nine years old.

Will you please do me a favor, Walter, and get off my...

I'm trying to discuss this now because I have to go. I'm not taking this lying

down. There,

you see what you just made?

You made a lamp.

Now, let me show you something, boy.

When I've had a horrible day at the store and I come home at night, my head

needs this lamp.

Walter, I know you have needs, but I have needs too.

Walter, my real estate license says Maude Findlay. It doesn't say Mrs.

Walter Findlay.

Walter, the state of New York has actually recognized me as a human being.

And those people out there recognize me as a human being.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, I have to take my lap with me.

I know that you have needs, Maude.

But I have a few needs, too. And as your husband, I also have a few rights.

It's finally coming out, isn't it?

Lighting up the sky with a huge sign.

This world for men only.

Listen.

I'm a man 50 years old with a certain pattern to his life. Living with a woman

who fits into that pattern. And if you want to change that pattern, you better

tell me. And tell me right now. Because it's the Bungays or me.

Honey, you know there's no choosing between you and the Bungays.

Walter, I love you.

You're my life, Walter.

I'd be nothing without you.

And darling, I'm going to prove it to you.

Just as soon as I finish showing that house.

times do I have to call you?

What do you want? It's two o 'clock in the morning.

Carol, when you were a baby, I never complained when you used to wake me up

your two o 'clock feeding.

Your four o 'clock feeding.

When you're six o 'clock, eight o 'clock. All right.

Even Mark Spitz can't drink that much.

Okay, so now you're leaving. It's two o 'clock in the morning. Walter is not

here. He hasn't phoned. There's no message. I have to talk to somebody.

Oh, maybe it's with Arthur. No, I phoned Arthur and he hasn't seen him all

night.

There's something else, Carol.

I went through Walter's closet and that dark brown double -breasted sports

jacket is missing.

The one that makes him look like Cesar Romero.

When I've been drinking.

Carol, how can you sleep at a time like this?

With your voice, it isn't easy.

Mother, I'm sure Walter is all right. How long has he been gone? Five and a

hours, Carol, since I left with the Bungays.

I'm going to call the police and report him missing.

I'm using that special emergency number they tell you to use when you need help

in a hurry.

Busy.

Who the hell could they be calling?

Operator, would you get me the police, please?

Oh, Carol, Walter's just got to be all right.

Hello? Yes, hello, officer. I'd like to report a missing person.

My number, 555 -9060.

Walter Findley.

D, with a D, yeah.

50, 5 '10 1⁄2", dark brown eyes, and a small bald spot that's only noticeable

from the top of the stairs.

No, this is not his boyfriend. This is his wife.

anything like this. He could be lying somewhere in a gutter.

Or worse.

Mother, look, there must be some explanation. Now, didn't Walter say

Nothing, nothing. He said nothing, Carol. Oh, he did say something. How did

put it? I don't know. Something about it's either my job or him.

What? Mother, that's an ultimatum. That's blackmail. Who cares about that?

difference does it make? The man is missing, Carol.

Who cares what he said? Who cares where he's been? Oh, dear God.

Walter,

I asked you a question. Where have you been?

And I told you, out. Out? What kind of an answer is that?

It's very simple, Maud. From now on, when I come home and you're not here,

I go out.

Walter, am I hearing right?

Are you trying to blackmail me into quitting my job?

Yes.

Walter, let's compromise.

Let's compromise. I'll tell you, I promise not to work so many nights and

work so many weekends.

Nights and weekends.

Maud, when do real estate people do most of their business?

Nights and weekends.

Sweetheart, whatever happened to the strength of our relationship, Walter? My

love for you and your marvelous readiness to give in.

quality you must never lose.

I'm tired, Maud.

Walter, why must I be the one to always give in? Maud, I tried it your way, but

I just can't hack it.

I'm an old -fashioned man who needs an old -fashioned marriage, and that's the

way it's got to be.

All right.

All right.

All right, all right, all right, Walter. You win. I'll quit my job.

Maud, you mean that? Yes, Walter.

I'll do what women have done down through history. I'll surrender to save

marriage. But why, I don't know, Walter, because right now I hate that marriage

more than anything I can think of.

But don't worry, Walter.

I'll try to be the perfect wife.

I'll be here every afternoon at five to make a lap for your head.

I do have one standard of sweetheart.

If you'll let me out of the house just one more day.

I'd like to have my feet bound.

Lord. Kung fu.

Matt, can you live here this morning, Mother?

I'm deliriously happy.

I keep laughing hysterically, except I read somewhere it gives you wrinkles.

I'm late. I've got to get to work.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I've got to get to work.

You had to rub it in, didn't you?

Young, attractive daughter goes off to a fascinating job while old, used -up

housewife stays at home waiting for Tarzan to come downstairs.

advantage of these years, Carol.

Oh, good morning, Ward.

Good morning, my darling.

About last night. Oh, sweetheart, not another word, you old poopy -doo.

Come, sweetheart. Sit down. Well, the perfect wife.

Serves the perfect breakfast to the perfect husband.

Oh, man can't ask for anything more than that.

Your glass of sunshine tree.

Here's your favorite omelet.

And the bacon done to a munchy, crunchy crispness just the way you love it. Mmm.

Raisin toast, lightly buttered.

Oh, and sweetheart, incidentally, before you go, I want to warm your coat.

Poopy doo.

Can I have some marmalade? But of course, my darling.

You know what I felt a little bad about last night?

Especially after we went upstairs and you wanted to sleep at the foot of the

bed.

and suggest that you work a couple of hours a week at the store.

I could always find something to keep you busy.

Something to keep me busy?

You silly Billy!

You know I have more than enough work to do right here. That's right.

By the way, sweetheart, I made a list of some things that I thought you might

like me to do for you today.

Let's see. Pick up your suits and jacket from the cleaners.

Get a new nozzle for your water pig.

The kitchen chairs?

The kitchen chairs? Of course, you've been after me for six weeks to paint

I already bought the paint.

If you can find time, I'd like you to take my brown shoes to the shoemaker.

Oh, of course, darling. And after that, I'll clean the mud off your golf club.

Well, you don't have to overdo it. And then fix the fly on your jumpsuit.

But you don't have to paint the chairs. Don't be ridiculous, darling.

too much for a woman when it comes to her capital, M -A -N.

You don't have to paint the chairs now. You want me to paint the chairs now,

Walter? Your every wish is my command.

There's something I wanted to tell you.

The Kaplans are buying the house?

Walter, the Kaplans are buying... Yes, yes, Mr. Curtis. It's

very exciting to have made my first commission.

You have a hot prospect?

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Curtis, but I can't.

No, not today.

And not tomorrow either.

Now, you see, Mr.

Curtis, I'm quitting my job.

I'm retiring.

You see, my husband and I came to a decision.

Oh, no, no, no. No, Mr. Curtis, it's the happiest decision I've ever made in my

life.

Now, I'd be laughing hysterically, only I hear it gives you wrinkles.

Oh, uh, Mr. Curtis, would you send me my business

cards?

You're the ones with my own name on them.

Maude Finley.

In case I ever get amnesia, I'll know who I am.

Thank you, Mr. Curtis.

Thank you for giving me this chance.

Thank you, too, for wanting me.

All right, Mullet, call him back.

Call him back.

I don't understand.

Neither do I.

You mean you want me to work?

No, I don't want you to work, but watching you on the phone just now, I

remembered something I learned at school.

I forget exactly how it went, but the idea was...

A person's happy only when he's doing his own thing and doing it well.

I guess that goes as much for women as it does for men.

Walter.

Walter, Walter, I promise you will never be sorry I'm working. And, Walter, now

that we have finally faced this problem, it's behind us.

That's right, Maud.

It's behind us.

And ahead of us.

To the left of us.

To the right of us.

All over us.

Later. Of Florida, I had the most terrible day.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.