Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

A little louder.

Sing

a little softer.

How about a limbo?

How about a limbo?

Now, if I couldn't do it in Jamaica, I certainly can't do it here. Try a little

harder.

Calypso Joe on island say trim ship with big stacks can't go under low bridge.

Coward, coward.

Matilda, she take me money and run Venezuela.

In answer to thousands of requests, I will once more present to you my

impersonation of the one and only...

I've all seen your belly button. Just put it away.

After two weeks in Jamaica, Walter, I think I know your navel as well as my

It's an Insy, right?

Wrong. Walter's belly button is definitely an outsy. No, well, you can't

right. What is it?

One more time. Come on.

All right, come on, Flash. Let's see it.

Well, I'll be damned.

Walter to have a unique scene.

Oh, boy. You know, I think that this vacation was the best one we ever had.

How many does this make we've spent together now? Is this four or five?

think. Let's see.

Our first year, we went to Las Vegas. Walter and I played golf every day, and

you two hung around the slot machines, and you lost your shirts.

And then the next year, we went to the Virgin Islands. Well, we sure didn't

anything there.

Oh, we went to Hawaii, Chuck.

Do you remember when we went deep sea fishing and you got so deep?

Oh, yes. I can still see him lying there on the deck of that boat moaning away.

Poor Chuck.

Me trying to get you to go below.

And Viv, when you said up, Chuck, he did.

Charlie, we've had some marvelous times together, the four of us. Yes, and

that's the secret, Maude. The four of us. Because you and Chuck are such a

to be with. Oh, no, Walter. Well, no, it's because we got lucky when Maude

finally decided to marry you. Right. No, it's true. It's true. We just couldn't

make it with those other three guys. I mean, Albert, for example. Oh, he was a

first -class creep.

Albert? A creep? Oh, come on, Chuck. That's not fair.

He wasn't a first -class anything.

Right.

Well, anyhow, no matter how much we all four love each other, we two have got to

go home. Oh, no.

One last drink. Oh, Walter. You kids fix the drinks and I'll get us some food. I

think I have some salami and cheese in the fridge.

No, really, we've got to go.

Boy,

they really are too much, aren't they? Aren't they the greatest?

Now, I'll tell you who's really too much.

You.

Viv, what are you talking about? Little old me? No, I'm just an ordinary guy

with very superior intelligence, supreme wit, great legs.

And if I do have one fault, which I don't, it's a highly developed sense of

modesty.

No, it's you, Viv.

You're the real one. You always have been. Who are you kidding? You're the

of Gibraltar. Just take our wedding night. What would I have done without

No, very little, I hope.

I mean it. Mean it. Your sensitivity, your understanding.

You know, I think in this whole cockeyed world, you're the only real grown -up

I've ever known.

Viv! Oh, will you just listen to us in our situation, praising each other to

sky? And loving each other to the limit.

And I do love you, Chuck.

Oh, and I love you, Viv.

you think we ought to tell Maude and Walter we're getting a divorce?

Well, what about right now? It'll give us something to talk about.

I wonder how they'll take it.

Oh, Viv, don't worry. They'll love it. I mean, you know, the maturity of it all.

The civilized notion of two people who still respect and love one another

separating for good.

Because they've simply had it.

Up to here.

No, Walter and Mort will be the first to understand, Viv. I mean, they're, you

know, they're 20th century people. They're just like us.

Hey, you guys, come on out. We're getting sort of lonely out here. Did you

that? They're getting lonely.

Some chance with those lovebirds.

We'll be right out, guys. Walter's attacking me on the portable dishwasher.

Hey. Later, when the dishes are dirty.

I'm so happy, you know. And I think so much of it has to do with Viv and Chuck.

I don't know, there's a kind of joy that emanates from them.

Oh, how I used to envy them before I met you. You know, every time I got

married, I used to say, oh, please, please, this time make it the perfect

marriage, just like Viv and Chuck's. And I must have meant it because I said it

four times.

But I finally made it with you.

Let's face it, Maude.

Chester, Barney, and Albert just had the wrong kind of belly button.

They were all ouchies.

Okay, fellas, like I always say, a salami a day keeps the doctor away.

Keeps everybody away.

Which reminds me, I ought to call Arthur and tell him we're back. Walter, don't

you dare. Come on, we've only been home for about 20 minutes.

You know, what we really should be doing is trying to figure out where we're

going to spend our next vacation. How about Red China?

I understand Kissinger found a good German restaurant there.

Red China's out. I hate German food.

How about you guys? Any suggestions?

Well, maybe we ought to wait a while.

I mean, sure, we don't have to decide right now.

Hey, wait a minute.

You two wouldn't be trying to tell us that you're looking for another couple.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Nothing like that.

But we do have something we want to tell you.

Something you want to tell... Walter, they have something they want to tell

I got it. I got it.

I can tell by that happy look in your eye, Chuck.

You're going to trade in your old jalopy for a new one.

Oh, that's one way to put it.

No, no, no, Walter. It's not a new car.

It's a new boat. No, no, not a boat. No, listen now. Listen to me. We finally

decided.

After 21 years of marriage.

Oh, no.

No, no. Oh, no. Oh, kids.

Oh, Chuck, you're adopting a baby. Oh.

Wonderful. Can you imagine a child growing up in a happier home?

Maude, it's not a baby.

Hey, is it bigger than a bread box? No, it won't.

Smaller than a dump truck? No, no, no, no. Is it a service?

No. Something Walter and I could do? Together.

Wait a minute, look.

Vivian and I are getting a divorce.

Maybe it's animal, vegetable, or mineral.

Is it a root of a baby? We're getting a divorce.

Oh, come on, Viv. Give me a little hint. I said we're getting a divorce.

I heard that. I'd rather have the hint.

Come on, everybody.

Ma -tilda, chicky -chicky -boom -boom. Ma -tilda.

Maude, we're splitting up.

That's right, Maude.

Maude, I think he means it.

Oh, come on, Walter. That's Chuck.

That's the same practical joker who signed the hotel register, Warren G.

and Sister.

fellas, I've known you. Look, Viv, you can talk till you're blue in the face. I

mean, I can't believe it. I know you too well. Look, I bet, I bet everything I

own, my house, my bank account, my antique sideboard, everything I own.

And I'd lose my assets, wouldn't I?

Maude, it's not the end of the world.

It is to me, Viv.

Viv, how could you do this to me? Oh, Maude, now come on, look on the bright

side. Now listen.

Viv and I had our very last vacation together with you and Walter. Now, the

memory of that is something that's going to be with us for the rest of our

lives. You know, the thing that I don't understand is when did you decide?

We had adjoining rooms in Jamaica. You seemed so happy. Happy? You know, the

walls were paper thin. We heard them. They were delirious.

Kids, couldn't you just wait a week?

I mean, until the slides are developed.

happy you were in Kodachrome, you'll really change your mind.

No, no.

I mean, we've thought the whole thing through.

Now, look, don't get the idea that Viv and I don't still dig each other as

beings. We do.

It's just that we simply cannot make it together anymore. That's why in Jamaica

we never let you out of our sight.

We spend every minute with you and Walter because when we're alone together

anymore, we just can't stand each other. Can we, darling?

Absolutely not.

I mean, we just... bore each other to death.

I mean, it's been going on for years, but we, well, we just now seem to notice

it. I guess we were the last to know. No, I was the last to know. Oh, Maude,

honey, now come on, cheer up. Now, good night, baby.

Good night, Walter. Good night, Chuck. Good night, Walt. I mean, it's so

I mean, Walter and I have always said that of all... the couples we know,

is the perfect marriage. Is that funny? That is exactly what we've always said

about you and Walter. The perfect marriage.

Talk to you soon. Yeah, bye -bye.

I don't understand it. I mean, how could that marriage fall apart?

It was made in heaven.

Well, maybe it should have been made in Japan, like everything else.

Walter, please don't be funny when the whole world is crashing around our ears.

Walter, it's not that I'm not sorry for Vivian, Chuck, but, you know, what can

anybody do about it? Walter, our best friends tell us that after 21 years of

marriage, they are getting a divorce. I mean, how can you not be shocked?

Walter, I'm going to tell you something.

You never know about marriage.

Marriage is like a new pair of shoes.

A new pair of shoes, Walt?

On the outside, they may look beautiful, but only the one who wears them knows

how much they hurt his feet.

Well, boy, what insight.

No, I mean it. Don't be modest.

How can you compare a broken marriage to a pair of tight hush puppies?

It's after midnight. We had a long trip, and I got a big day tomorrow.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Listen, I shouldn't even be talking about it,

but Viv and Chuck are gone now, and Philip and Carol are away for the

Walter, do you enjoy being alone with me? Of course I do. Then how come the

whole time we were in Jamaica, we didn't let Chuck and Viv out of our sight for

a minute?

We? Ward, they never let us out of their sight. Don't change the subject.

Obviously bore you. You don't bore me. No? Then how come five minutes after we

got back you tried to call Arthur on the phone? Arthur, holy mackerel, thanks

for reminding me. I hope it's not too late. Arthur!

Why can't you bear to be alone with me?

I love being alone with you. Then how come we didn't have five minutes

the whole time we were on what turned out to be the most rotten vacation I've

ever had?

Rotten? Lord, you love that vacation.

Only because I didn't know any better.

first thing you do is call Arthur.

I am worried, Walter. About Arthur and me?

About you and me, Walter.

About our marriage.

Maud, I love you. Chuck and Vivian love each other and they're getting a

divorce. Walter, doesn't that worry you? Maud, do you think it would help our

marriage if we hated each other? I'm willing to give it a try.

Oh, honey, it's just that...

I don't want to be a 47 -year -old swinging single.

You know what? I know what your problem is.

You're frightened.

You can't bear the thought of another divorce. But there's not going to be

I'm not Chester. I'm not Barney. I'm not Albert. I'm Walter.

The last of your red -hot lovers.

Walter,

why don't we ever spend any time alone?

We don't, Walter. We don't. We have spent every single vacation with Chuck

Viv. We came home tonight. They wanted to leave. We insisted that they stay for

a snack.

Every time we go to the movies, we ask another couple. When we're out to

there are always other people around. I mean, it's exactly the same situation as

Chuck's and Viv's, isn't it? No, it is not the same. And that's that. Look, I

can't analyze everything we do. All I know is how I feel. And how do you feel,

Walter? Sleepy. Good night, Moore.

Walter, run away from your problems.

Ward, we have no problem.

Then why are you yelling at me?

This is a stupid petty argument and it's beneath us. So now the things that

matter to me are beneath us. I'm very sorry.

What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm going to go into the kitchen. I'm

going to wash the dishes.

Ward, it's after midnight. This is crazy.

Look, you know I cannot go to sleep with a house full of dirty dishes.

All night long, I hear the plaintive voices of little cups and saucers

Wash me.

That's because you're compulsive.

Now I am compulsive.

No wonder you always say I'm beneath you.

Morton, don't twist my words.

I have never, but never felt you beneath me.

Never felt me beneath you.

Twisting my words again.

How come you understand when the dishes talk to you, but you don't understand

me?

After four years of marriage, I finally find out how little I satisfy you.

That's not what I said.

If I tried it out now, would you get those damn dishes? Oh, now the dishes

bother you. I am very sorry, Walter Finley. I cannot stand a messy kitchen.

I can't stand a messy kitchen neither.

Let me have that.

much for the messy kitchen.

You want to try for the messy bathroom?

All those wet pantyhose hanging over the shower curtain, huh?

Little pieces of Kleenex that you use to blot your lipstick lying in the bowl,

smiling up at me.

That girl is all over the place, especially whenever I sit down.

You must despise me. Maud.

You know, suddenly everything's coming out. All the little things you can't

stand about me. How come that suddenly you start complaining about my patio?

Maud.

All the things I said were trivial.

They fade into nothing when I think of how much I love you.

Because I love you, Maud.

I love you more today than I did yesterday.

Yes.

And less than I will tomorrow.

Oh, darling.

Oh, Walter.

That is so sweet and poetic.

If Shakespeare had known you, he never would have written Romeo and Juliet.

Maybe if I dig deep enough, there are some things about you I don't like

I'll tell you what.

Let's write it all down on paper the way they do in group therapy.

You want group therapy? Be your own group. I'm going to bed. Look, Walter,

please. Mark, please. I'm tired.

There's always tomorrow. No, there isn't. That's what I used to think about

Chuck and Viv, but there is no tomorrow for them. Please, darling. Look, here.

Here we go. Now, look, sweetheart.

Just sit down here.

Right here.

Here's a piece of paper. Here's a pencil. You just write down all the

that you can't stand about me. I'll sit here and write down the things I can't

stand about you.

The first thing I can't stand is to write things down.

Now, honey, trust me. I mean, this is important. I mean, even if it's only a

couple of things.

You can at least...

and three pencils, what do I do with the third one?

Which reminds me.

Oh, come on. No, enough, enough.

Walter, you can't have that much to complain about. We've only been married

four years.

What are you doing? I want to see the paper. No, you were absolutely right,

Maud. I got a lot of things off my chest and I feel much better. Let's go to

bed.

Why go to bed? Listen, Walter.

That's no way to solve these problems. This problem cannot be solved

horizontally.

This is a vertical issue, Walter.

Now, look, I am not coming to bed, so don't wait up for me. I am not coming to

bed.

What are you doing? I'm going to sleep in the den.

I couldn't convince you that we have a good marriage.

You've begun to convince me that we've got a bad one.

Oh, Walter, don't say that. Don't say that, Walter.

Just think of it as a trial separation.

Nighty -night.

Walter, come out of there.

Walter, you didn't show me the piece of paper.

I agreed to write things down, Maud. I didn't agree to show them to you. Good

night, Maud.

But, Walter, honey, that was the whole idea. I mean, if you don't show me, how

can I change?

Walter, I asked you a question.

Walter.

Oh, now you're not talking to me. Is that it?

Listen, Walter.

Walter, come out of there.

Walter, if you won't come out, at least open the door.

Okay, if that's the way you want things, Walter, I'm going upstairs. Good night.

Walter, I'm back.

Oh, darling, please forgive me. Sweetheart, I didn't mean it. Please.

Walter, are you there?

Walter, you didn't go out the window, did you?

Look, sweetheart, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to read to you

what I wrote on my piece of paper. I mean, it's trivial.

There's only one thing. I mean, it's nothing, darling.

It's just that sometimes after you eat cottage cheese and you talk,

I see little white specks between them.

can live with him.

Please, darling, now tell me, sweetheart, sweetheart, love, what did

about me, Walter?

Walter?

Walter, what did you write about me?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear, I didn't see it.

I love you, Maud.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

So get off my back.

Oh, darling, this is the loveliest letter you ever wrote me.

Sweetheart, I love you, Walter. Please come out, sweetheart.

Matilda, cheeky, cheeky, boom, boom.

Matilda, cheeky, cheeky, boom, boom.

Matilda, she paid me money and run very well. Sing a little softer.

Matilda.

Matilda.

Matilda, you paid me money.

Look, I'm sorry. Can I come in? Chuck, come in. Oh, thanks. Thanks.

Chuck, is anything the matter? Oh, I tell you what, I just can't stand it

she sulks, you know. When she sulks, I mean, something really happens to me

inside. You know, I fume, I boil.

And that silly look she gets on her face when she starts to pout. I'll tell you

something. I am not a violent man. But when she gets like that, I have this

insane desire to punch her in the mouth.

Knock out every other tooth.

I mean, she'd look like a Steinway.

And the more she sulks, you know, the angrier I get. So I thought I'd just

better get out of the house before I lost control of myself, you know?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You know, I got in the car and I just started driving around. Could

sleep here tonight?

Well, sure. I guess so. Well, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be any trouble. You

I could sleep in the den.

Yeah, but you see, there's only one problem. And here it is. Good night,

Viv! What are you doing here? What are you doing here? You know I can't stand

being alone in the house.

Well, then why don't you go stay at your mother's like everybody else?

That shows how much attention you pay. My mother's been dead 11 years.

I know your mother has been dead 11 years.

That's why I said, why don't you go stay at your mother's?

I'm not going to stand out here and argue in front of my friends. You've

so inhibited. You know I don't want that.

Some fight.

They sound like they're going to kill each other.

isn't it wonderful you know I think there's still hope for the marriage

beginning to sound exactly like us

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.