All language subtitles for Maude s01e14 The Convention

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Angel
flat she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dead...

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising,
anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry, Moore, but you heard the
man.

This is the last motel room in town.

Honey, don't worry about it. I love it.

Who was the decorator, Bonnie or Clyde?

I'm sorry our reservations at the inn
got fouled up. Oh, honey, I told you,

don't worry about it. We're only going
to be here two days anyway.

Most of the time is going to be spent at
the convention.

What's the name of this place again?

The John Smith Motel.

Must have been named after all their
customers.

You know, there's something about a
crummy motel that gives me crazy ideas.

Why, Mr.

Smith, whatever do you mean?

What?

Oh, wait a second. It is crazy.

We're getting excited in a motel room
and we're married.

Don't mention marriage, Walter. You'll
give the place a bad name.

I'll fix us a drink. Oh, great idea.
I'll get the glasses.

I love the way you set up the bar.

Honey, did you ever figure out that this
might just be a hoax?

That they just put clean paper around
dirty glasses.

Another thing, they have one of those
paper ribbons across the toilet seat.

You know, when Carol was little, she
used to think they were there to keep

from falling in.

Oh, honey, let's forget about the
drinks. I'm not thirsty.

I'm hungry.

I hate to tell you something, Ward, but
we really haven't got time.

Well, we have to dress and get over to
the convention for the kickoff banquet.

All right.

But I'll tell you, Chicken a la King is
a rotten substitute for Findlay a la

King.

There's always later. We'll be back
around midnight.

You'll be too sleepy.

No, I won't.

Walter, I know you. After three or four
drinks, you're always too sleepy.

I can see it all now.

We'll come back, and before I have a
chance to say I love you, you'll be flat

your back with your eyes closed and your
mouth open, making those little

gurgling sounds you always make.

I gurgle when I sleep.

And snort and whistle.

Walter, you are a festival of weird
noises.

I won't be the problem tonight, Maud.

I guarantee you tonight I'll be wide
awake and I'll tell you what, I'll make

pact with you.

We'll set you along for 12 .30 and come
hell or high water, we've got a date,

okay? Okay.

12 .30.

What a magnificent view.

You know, you can see almost the entire
rear end of our car.

these were still alive, I'd rip his
heart out.

Well, Maude, you better step on it. We
don't have much time. Oh, honey, don't

worry. I showered and put on my face
before I left the house.

Walter.

Are you glad I came along?

Well, of course, Maude. Why?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that this is the first
convention we've ever been on together,

had to ask you to bring me along.

Well, the reason I never asked you,
Maud, conventions are deadly dull.

Not half as dull as staying at home,
rooting for some deranged housewife to

a jacuzzi whirlpool on the Price is
Right.

What are you talking about?

You're the most active woman I know.

You've got your art classes, your
charities, your community affairs. Busy

Walter, busy work.

Oh, I wish I had something to do that
was meaningful, something important.

Ward, please don't start that again.

You'll find something meaningful.

When, Walter, when?

I've been hunting for a job for months
now, and it's always the same story. I

either don't have enough experience or
I'm too old.

Oh, Walter, Walter, I need to be wanted.

You're wanted? You're wanted, Maud.
You're wanted. Of course I'm wanted,

By you.

Honey, let's face it.

I'm nothing but a 47 -year -old sex
kitten.

Maud, you're going to make us late.

I suppose you're never late.

Well, only when I have to wait for you.

Men are on time and women are late.

That's the nature of things.

You heard that expression, wait till the
cows come home?

Nobody ever says wait till the bulls
come home.

The bulls are already there pacing back
and forth looking at their watches.

And who gets up to announce the crack of
dawn? The rooster, not the hen.

Walter, if you want to lay the eggs,
I'll get up at dawn and cock -a -doodle

-doo.

Can I get in there? Be my guest.

Say, honey.

What?

This bed is equipped with magic fingers.

Magic fingers? What's that?

Oh, that's one of those crazy devices to
make the bed vibrate.

Is this any time to be doing that?
Walter, be quiet. I think I'm falling in

love.

Maud!

When I'm calling you.

Come on, Maud. I'm serious.

Walter, would you be very upset if I ran
off with the bed?

All right, all right. I can tell you're
in a hurry.

you'll have to finish without me.

How much longer are you going to be?
Now, don't worry, Walter. I'm not going

make you late for your convention.

Maud, please, not again.

What do you mean, my convention?

Well, it is for appliance dealers, and
you are the appliance dealer in the

family. That's right, and you're my
wife.

And that's all I am, isn't it, Walter?

Your wife.

Okay, you're not my wife. Thank you.

Maud, if you're not my wife, who are
you? Oh, I wish I knew. Walter, I wish I

knew a lot of things.

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Well, you're the one who asked. Well,
only because you wouldn't ask me. Well,

thought you'd hate conducting. How would
I know, Walter? I've never been to one

before. Well, how do you like it so far?
I hate it.

You should have stayed at home.

Doing what, Walter?

Doing what?

Sweeping the floors.

Deep labor.

Beasts of burden.

Give them a sack of oats and then kick
them in the fetlocks.

If you'd be kind enough to point out
your fetlocks, I'd be more than happy to

accommodate you.

Walter, I am so tired of being a second
-class citizen simply because I'm a

woman. Oh, more, darling. All I want to
do is get to the banquet on time. Sorry,

sweetheart. I'm sorry. Please forgive
me. Darling, I didn't come along to

with you.

I mean, you're not personally
responsible for the plight of women

You're largely responsible, but not
personally.

John, what is it you want out of life?
Walter, I want what every other woman

wants. Respect.

Walter, I want you to respect me for the
person I am.

I do respect you. For what?

For the person you are. Who am I?

Right now, Joan Crawford, and I'll cry
tomorrow.

That was Susan Hayward.

Now, Maud. I'm serious, Walter. You say
you respect me for the person I am. Who

am I? I know it's become a dirty word,
Maud, but you're my wife.

I was also Barney's wife and Andy's wife
and what's -his -name's -wife.

I want to be me, Walter. I want my own
identity. You want your own identity?

I'll give you your own identity.

Here, your button for the convention.

Now, please, stop being a pain in the
fatlock.

Hello.

My name is Mrs. Walter Findlay.

Mrs. Walter Findlay. Walter!

Walter, how come your button doesn't
say, Hello, I'm Mr. Mark Findlay?

that's not who I am. And this Walter is
not who I am.

fit as good as men, and I think they
should have the same opportunities to be

productive. Don't I let you help out at
the store every Christmas?

And I appreciate it, Walter.

But what kind of job is that for a
college graduate, standing around,

eye open for shoplifters wearing a Santa
Claus suit?

You wanted to be productive, and you
were.

Last year, you caught that woman with
the transistor clock radio in her

brassiere.

languages. I am overeducated and
underused.

And late. Would you please put on your
dress so we can leave?

It cost me $25 a plate and I can't get
my money back.

Did you hear what you just said?

Did you hear what you just... My money.
Well, it is my money. I earned it. Of

course it is. That's my point.

I'm totally dependent on you, Walter. I
live off your income. I'm a parasite.

Come on, Walter. You're not a parasite.
You have your work just like I have

mine. You get paid.

for what you do. Nobody gives me a dime,
and that's the barometer, Walter.

Money. You know you're being productive
when somebody pays you money to do

something.

I'll give you five bucks to put on your
dress.

if you want to be productive, creative,
whatever, go ahead and do it, but quit

talking about it.

I'm sick and tired of emancipated women,
which is pretty ironic when you stop

and consider I'm helping create them.

Me.

I'm selling appliances so housewives can
get out of the kitchen, and when they

get out of the kitchen, what do they do?

They run into the living room and
complain to the husbands they have

do.

This is Mrs.

Walter Findlay.

Top ten dealer awards.

Second runner -up.

Big...

I'm talking to you. I am not. What are
you doing?

Putting this up so nobody can look in.
You might as well leave it down because

there won't be anything to see.

What do you want?

The keys to the car. I'm going to go for
a drive.

Calm down, Ward. You're not going
anyplace. Look, you let me out of here

scream. I didn't scream. In a place like
this, they'll think you're enjoying

yourself.

what's bugging you now? You know
perfectly well what is bugging me,

Finley. No, I don't.

Make your acceptance speech, Walter.

What did I say? Make your acceptance
speech.

I didn't make a speech. All I did was
thank everyone.

Then thank everyone, Walter.

I want to thank everyone. Thank you.
That is not the way you thanked

Walter. Try to remember.

I want to thank everyone for making this
award possible, this top ten dealer

award. I want to thank my employees. I
want to thank my business associates.

most of all, I want to thank my wife.

That's not what you called me, Walter.

Maud. That is not what you called me.

All right.

I want to thank the little woman.

Walter, when I stood up, they laughed
for five minutes.

That was still no reason after I said
the little woman for you to get up and

say, hello, my name is Louisa May
Olcott.

Walter, when you called me the little
woman, I almost lost my cherries

as the little man.

Have you any idea how demeaning that is?
How anonymous that makes a woman feel?

Well, of course you felt anonymous.

You threw away your button. It says,
hello, my name is Mrs. Walter King.

Walter, that is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard in my life.

Maude, let's put the argument to bed.

We're partners in business, in life, in
everything.

You can't find a solution to 5 ,000
years of female frustration at the John

Smith Motel in Worcester, Massachusetts.

Now, sweetheart, can we go to sleep?

I have to get up early in the morning
for a seminar.

What to do with your microwave oven?

Do I have a suggestion for you?

right there.

After a woman gets up at the crack of
dawn and brushes her teeth and fixes her

hair and puts on her face so that she
will look beautiful to go into the

to make breakfast for her husband, she
can then go back to bed and loll around

because Stump the Stars does not come on
until 10 o 'clock.

Walter, if that is your idea of a
fulfilled life, then I'm a monkey's

you are a monkey. horses aren't.

Okay, you want to do it my way?

You get up at the crack of dawn, buck
traffic, argue with the customers, come

home exhausted, wolf down your meal and
flop into bed dead.

tell you something, Walter, it sure
beats sitting under a hair dryer in a

parlor reading all about Henry
Kissinger's love life.

Which, incidentally, I do not believe
for a minute.

I'm going to sleep.

Walter, remember when we said that...

We'd never go to sleep angry.

I'm not angry. You are. You stay awake.

All right, I'll read.

We didn't bring anything to read.

I'll read this.

In the beginning, God created them.

Don't let I read it.

Walter, can't we talk?

All right.

But on one condition.

No more talk about your unfulfilled
life.

Well, then there's nothing to talk
about. Whatever I want to talk about,

don't want to talk about.

Maud, do you love me?

What is this, Fiddler on the Roof?

Maud, do you love me? Of course I love
you.

Good.

Two people who love each other shouldn't
have to talk.

You just made that up.

I know you did, darling.

Because it's rotten.

I didn't mean it literally. I just mean
when two people who love and understand

each other, there's a time for talk and
a time for silence. And this is a time

for silence.

Of course this is a time for silence.

Because you say so.

Because you want...

Right now, it's a good thing you're not
a man, because if you were, I'd probably

punch you right in the nose.

Well, why don't you?

Go on.

What? I'm serious. Look, you say if I
were a man, you'd punch me in the nose.

Come on. And you say you're not
prejudiced against women. Don't be

Walter, punch me in the nose. You want
me to really do it? It's the only way

that you can show me that you're not
prejudiced against women.

It's 12 .30.

It's 12 .30, Maude. We have a date.

I remember and I'm standing you up.

Maude, I love you.

If you really loved me, you would have
punched me in the nose.

I love you.

And I love you.

Then come to bed.

Still messing up the beds because you're
afraid of what the maid might think in

the morning, huh, Mort?

I'm... I'm so sorry I let out my
frustration on you tonight.

I understand, Mort.

To tell the truth, if I were a woman,
I'd feel the same way.

You see how it is? We discuss, we argue,
and we always end up this way,

in bed.

I told you, Walter, this is my role.

Sex kitten.

Come on, Maud, you're starting up again.
I am not starting up, Walter. I never

stopped.

You know, this isn't going to resolve
anything.

But I'll admit, it helps.

Maud!

Maud, could you come out here a minute?

What do you want, honey?

Well, the owner of the motel wants to
take our picture.

Take our picture? Why?

Well, he found out we were really
married.

Odd was recorded on tape before a live
audience.