Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Angel flat she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dead...

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry, Moore, but you heard the man.

This is the last motel room in town.

Honey, don't worry about it. I love it.

Who was the decorator, Bonnie or Clyde?

I'm sorry our reservations at the inn got fouled up. Oh, honey, I told you,

don't worry about it. We're only going to be here two days anyway.

Most of the time is going to be spent at the convention.

What's the name of this place again?

The John Smith Motel.

Must have been named after all their customers.

You know, there's something about a crummy motel that gives me crazy ideas.

Why, Mr.

Smith, whatever do you mean?

What?

Oh, wait a second. It is crazy.

We're getting excited in a motel room and we're married.

Don't mention marriage, Walter. You'll give the place a bad name.

I'll fix us a drink. Oh, great idea. I'll get the glasses.

I love the way you set up the bar.

Honey, did you ever figure out that this might just be a hoax?

That they just put clean paper around dirty glasses.

Another thing, they have one of those paper ribbons across the toilet seat.

You know, when Carol was little, she used to think they were there to keep

from falling in.

Oh, honey, let's forget about the drinks. I'm not thirsty.

I'm hungry.

I hate to tell you something, Ward, but we really haven't got time.

Well, we have to dress and get over to the convention for the kickoff banquet.

All right.

But I'll tell you, Chicken a la King is a rotten substitute for Findlay a la

King.

There's always later. We'll be back around midnight.

You'll be too sleepy.

No, I won't.

Walter, I know you. After three or four drinks, you're always too sleepy.

I can see it all now.

We'll come back, and before I have a chance to say I love you, you'll be flat

your back with your eyes closed and your mouth open, making those little

gurgling sounds you always make.

I gurgle when I sleep.

And snort and whistle.

Walter, you are a festival of weird noises.

I won't be the problem tonight, Maud.

I guarantee you tonight I'll be wide awake and I'll tell you what, I'll make

pact with you.

We'll set you along for 12 .30 and come hell or high water, we've got a date,

okay? Okay.

12 .30.

What a magnificent view.

You know, you can see almost the entire rear end of our car.

these were still alive, I'd rip his heart out.

Well, Maude, you better step on it. We don't have much time. Oh, honey, don't

worry. I showered and put on my face before I left the house.

Walter.

Are you glad I came along?

Well, of course, Maude. Why?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that this is the first convention we've ever been on together,

had to ask you to bring me along.

Well, the reason I never asked you, Maud, conventions are deadly dull.

Not half as dull as staying at home, rooting for some deranged housewife to

a jacuzzi whirlpool on the Price is Right.

What are you talking about?

You're the most active woman I know.

You've got your art classes, your charities, your community affairs. Busy

Walter, busy work.

Oh, I wish I had something to do that was meaningful, something important.

Ward, please don't start that again.

You'll find something meaningful.

When, Walter, when?

I've been hunting for a job for months now, and it's always the same story. I

either don't have enough experience or I'm too old.

Oh, Walter, Walter, I need to be wanted.

You're wanted? You're wanted, Maud. You're wanted. Of course I'm wanted,

By you.

Honey, let's face it.

I'm nothing but a 47 -year -old sex kitten.

Maud, you're going to make us late.

I suppose you're never late.

Well, only when I have to wait for you.

Men are on time and women are late.

That's the nature of things.

You heard that expression, wait till the cows come home?

Nobody ever says wait till the bulls come home.

The bulls are already there pacing back and forth looking at their watches.

And who gets up to announce the crack of dawn? The rooster, not the hen.

Walter, if you want to lay the eggs, I'll get up at dawn and cock -a -doodle

-doo.

Can I get in there? Be my guest.

Say, honey.

What?

This bed is equipped with magic fingers.

Magic fingers? What's that?

Oh, that's one of those crazy devices to make the bed vibrate.

Is this any time to be doing that? Walter, be quiet. I think I'm falling in

love.

Maud!

When I'm calling you.

Come on, Maud. I'm serious.

Walter, would you be very upset if I ran off with the bed?

All right, all right. I can tell you're in a hurry.

you'll have to finish without me.

How much longer are you going to be? Now, don't worry, Walter. I'm not going

make you late for your convention.

Maud, please, not again.

What do you mean, my convention?

Well, it is for appliance dealers, and you are the appliance dealer in the

family. That's right, and you're my wife.

And that's all I am, isn't it, Walter?

Your wife.

Okay, you're not my wife. Thank you.

Maud, if you're not my wife, who are you? Oh, I wish I knew. Walter, I wish I

knew a lot of things.

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Well, you're the one who asked. Well, only because you wouldn't ask me. Well,

thought you'd hate conducting. How would I know, Walter? I've never been to one

before. Well, how do you like it so far? I hate it.

You should have stayed at home.

Doing what, Walter?

Doing what?

Sweeping the floors.

Deep labor.

Beasts of burden.

Give them a sack of oats and then kick them in the fetlocks.

If you'd be kind enough to point out your fetlocks, I'd be more than happy to

accommodate you.

Walter, I am so tired of being a second -class citizen simply because I'm a

woman. Oh, more, darling. All I want to do is get to the banquet on time. Sorry,

sweetheart. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Darling, I didn't come along to

with you.

I mean, you're not personally responsible for the plight of women

You're largely responsible, but not personally.

John, what is it you want out of life? Walter, I want what every other woman

wants. Respect.

Walter, I want you to respect me for the person I am.

I do respect you. For what?

For the person you are. Who am I?

Right now, Joan Crawford, and I'll cry tomorrow.

That was Susan Hayward.

Now, Maud. I'm serious, Walter. You say you respect me for the person I am. Who

am I? I know it's become a dirty word, Maud, but you're my wife.

I was also Barney's wife and Andy's wife and what's -his -name's -wife.

I want to be me, Walter. I want my own identity. You want your own identity?

I'll give you your own identity.

Here, your button for the convention.

Now, please, stop being a pain in the fatlock.

Hello.

My name is Mrs. Walter Findlay.

Mrs. Walter Findlay. Walter!

Walter, how come your button doesn't say, Hello, I'm Mr. Mark Findlay?

that's not who I am. And this Walter is not who I am.

fit as good as men, and I think they should have the same opportunities to be

productive. Don't I let you help out at the store every Christmas?

And I appreciate it, Walter.

But what kind of job is that for a college graduate, standing around,

eye open for shoplifters wearing a Santa Claus suit?

You wanted to be productive, and you were.

Last year, you caught that woman with the transistor clock radio in her

brassiere.

languages. I am overeducated and underused.

And late. Would you please put on your dress so we can leave?

It cost me $25 a plate and I can't get my money back.

Did you hear what you just said?

Did you hear what you just... My money. Well, it is my money. I earned it. Of

course it is. That's my point.

I'm totally dependent on you, Walter. I live off your income. I'm a parasite.

Come on, Walter. You're not a parasite. You have your work just like I have

mine. You get paid.

for what you do. Nobody gives me a dime, and that's the barometer, Walter.

Money. You know you're being productive when somebody pays you money to do

something.

I'll give you five bucks to put on your dress.

if you want to be productive, creative, whatever, go ahead and do it, but quit

talking about it.

I'm sick and tired of emancipated women, which is pretty ironic when you stop

and consider I'm helping create them.

Me.

I'm selling appliances so housewives can get out of the kitchen, and when they

get out of the kitchen, what do they do?

They run into the living room and complain to the husbands they have

do.

This is Mrs.

Walter Findlay.

Top ten dealer awards.

Second runner -up.

Big...

I'm talking to you. I am not. What are you doing?

Putting this up so nobody can look in. You might as well leave it down because

there won't be anything to see.

What do you want?

The keys to the car. I'm going to go for a drive.

Calm down, Ward. You're not going anyplace. Look, you let me out of here

scream. I didn't scream. In a place like this, they'll think you're enjoying

yourself.

what's bugging you now? You know perfectly well what is bugging me,

Finley. No, I don't.

Make your acceptance speech, Walter.

What did I say? Make your acceptance speech.

I didn't make a speech. All I did was thank everyone.

Then thank everyone, Walter.

I want to thank everyone. Thank you. That is not the way you thanked

Walter. Try to remember.

I want to thank everyone for making this award possible, this top ten dealer

award. I want to thank my employees. I want to thank my business associates.

most of all, I want to thank my wife.

That's not what you called me, Walter.

Maud. That is not what you called me.

All right.

I want to thank the little woman.

Walter, when I stood up, they laughed for five minutes.

That was still no reason after I said the little woman for you to get up and

say, hello, my name is Louisa May Olcott.

Walter, when you called me the little woman, I almost lost my cherries

as the little man.

Have you any idea how demeaning that is? How anonymous that makes a woman feel?

Well, of course you felt anonymous.

You threw away your button. It says, hello, my name is Mrs. Walter King.

Walter, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life.

Maude, let's put the argument to bed.

We're partners in business, in life, in everything.

You can't find a solution to 5 ,000 years of female frustration at the John

Smith Motel in Worcester, Massachusetts.

Now, sweetheart, can we go to sleep?

I have to get up early in the morning for a seminar.

What to do with your microwave oven?

Do I have a suggestion for you?

right there.

After a woman gets up at the crack of dawn and brushes her teeth and fixes her

hair and puts on her face so that she will look beautiful to go into the

to make breakfast for her husband, she can then go back to bed and loll around

because Stump the Stars does not come on until 10 o 'clock.

Walter, if that is your idea of a fulfilled life, then I'm a monkey's

you are a monkey. horses aren't.

Okay, you want to do it my way?

You get up at the crack of dawn, buck traffic, argue with the customers, come

home exhausted, wolf down your meal and flop into bed dead.

tell you something, Walter, it sure beats sitting under a hair dryer in a

parlor reading all about Henry Kissinger's love life.

Which, incidentally, I do not believe for a minute.

I'm going to sleep.

Walter, remember when we said that...

We'd never go to sleep angry.

I'm not angry. You are. You stay awake.

All right, I'll read.

We didn't bring anything to read.

I'll read this.

In the beginning, God created them.

Don't let I read it.

Walter, can't we talk?

All right.

But on one condition.

No more talk about your unfulfilled life.

Well, then there's nothing to talk about. Whatever I want to talk about,

don't want to talk about.

Maud, do you love me?

What is this, Fiddler on the Roof?

Maud, do you love me? Of course I love you.

Good.

Two people who love each other shouldn't have to talk.

You just made that up.

I know you did, darling.

Because it's rotten.

I didn't mean it literally. I just mean when two people who love and understand

each other, there's a time for talk and a time for silence. And this is a time

for silence.

Of course this is a time for silence.

Because you say so.

Because you want...

Right now, it's a good thing you're not a man, because if you were, I'd probably

punch you right in the nose.

Well, why don't you?

Go on.

What? I'm serious. Look, you say if I were a man, you'd punch me in the nose.

Come on. And you say you're not prejudiced against women. Don't be

Walter, punch me in the nose. You want me to really do it? It's the only way

that you can show me that you're not prejudiced against women.

It's 12 .30.

It's 12 .30, Maude. We have a date.

I remember and I'm standing you up.

Maude, I love you.

If you really loved me, you would have punched me in the nose.

I love you.

And I love you.

Then come to bed.

Still messing up the beds because you're afraid of what the maid might think in

the morning, huh, Mort?

I'm... I'm so sorry I let out my frustration on you tonight.

I understand, Mort.

To tell the truth, if I were a woman, I'd feel the same way.

You see how it is? We discuss, we argue, and we always end up this way,

in bed.

I told you, Walter, this is my role.

Sex kitten.

Come on, Maud, you're starting up again. I am not starting up, Walter. I never

stopped.

You know, this isn't going to resolve anything.

But I'll admit, it helps.

Maud!

Maud, could you come out here a minute?

What do you want, honey?

Well, the owner of the motel wants to take our picture.

Take our picture? Why?

Well, he found out we were really married.

Odd was recorded on tape before a live audience.