All language subtitles for Maude s01e12 Grass Story

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That'll compromise and enterprise and
anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Please, Walter.

No, we're not through. We are. Finished
art. Look. We have been arguing about it

since Wednesday night. I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of it, too, and we've been

arguing about this since Tuesday night.
Look, Walter, I distinctly remember that

it was Wednesday night when we began our
present love -hate relationship.

But it was Tuesday night that you told
me about this ridiculous plan of yours.

Then you served me a Mexican dinner
because Lee Trevino had talked about it

TV, and since I was a golfer, you
thought I'd like it.

Walter, the Mexican dinner was Wednesday
night.

Tuesday, Maude, I know because I had gas
all night.

Walter, don't you think I remember which
night you had gas all night?

Now, please, I have to be down at the
station house in less than an hour.

Well, maybe that's Jeff with the
marijuana.

Maude, if that's your nephew, forget it.

You're not going to deliberately get
yourself arrested for possession of

marijuana? Good cause or no good cause?

Thank you, Walter.

Remember what Shakespeare said?

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
to have a fink for a husband.

Fink? I'm no fink. These are union
tomatoes.

How much?

75 cents a box.

Well, you forget the tomatoes, Maude.
We're talking about you getting arrested

for possession of marijuana.

Look, you'll have to forgive my husband.
He's himself this morning.

All right, go ahead and blame me. Just
because a box boy at Fawley's

got himself busted on possession of
marijuana charge, and you and your dandy

friends want to get yourself arrested on
that same charge as a protest, I'm to

blame. Listen, are you sure the bottom
ones aren't soft and mushy?

Mark, pay attention when I'm yelling at
you. Look, Walter, 146 women from all

over the... state are going down to
their local police stations to do

the same thing. Now, does that sound
like just a bunch of my friends?

Gee, I don't know. The bottom ones feel
mushy to me.

Okay, I'll ask your friend over there.
Am I wrong in telling my wife that I

don't want to go to jail? Listen, you
know darn well that they are not going

put a group of upper middle class
housewives into jail.

Now, listen, I've been stuck before. You
sure the bottom ones aren't mushy?

Lady, you gotta take your chances.

In that case, I'll take one box.

Fine. Which one?

Wait a minute.

Uh, which one? I'll take top of this
box.

Mort!

Now, you listen to reason, Walter.

Harold Collins is 19 years old. Do you
realize that he faces from three to

years in jail?

Walter. This is something I have to do.

Okay, look, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a check for $400 to help
pay for the kid's lawyer, and we'll

forget this getting arrested thing,
okay?

Oh, Walter.

Honey, that's awfully sweet of you, but
it's really not necessary.

Oh, thank you. You already gave $500.

And listen, darling, I'm terribly sorry
I'm so edgy, but I'm exhausted.

I was so nervous about this morning that
I didn't sleep a wink last night. Well,

why don't you take something, like a
couple of secondals? We're out of

secondals, but I did take two
chlorohydrates and a Librium, and they

work.

Well, I took two Miltan and a Doradim. I
slept like a lamb. And snored like a

moose.

Now, I should have taken two
mepperbromates with a Nembutol instead

chlorohydrates with a Librium.

Philip! Cold knockwurst for breakfast?

How can you put that junk inside you?

Listen, sweetheart.

Would you like Grandma Maud to make you
a nice little omelet? No. Thank God if I

had to cook this time of the month.

Look, sweetheart, it's really time to go
to school.

Come on, dear.

So long, Philip.

Now, how about me, Maud?

Where's my breakfast?

I don't have time to fix you your
breakfast. Here, have some cold

Knockwurst for breakfast? With a diet
like this, I could get scurvy.

Here's a lime.

Oh, I hope that's Jeff with the
marijuana. He knows I've been waiting

There's not that much. I'm coming, I'm
coming, I'm coming.

Oh, Jeff.

I am on.

Oh, oh, you've got... You're in time,
Jeff.

I knew I could count on you. That's why
you've always been my favorite nephew.

I don't have the pot.

You're a loser, Jeff.

You've always been a loser, Jeff.

Jeff, where is it? Where is it, Jeff?

It's really scarce, Hamad. There was a
big senior prom last night.

Oh.

Listen, Jeff. Go out on the streets.

Hang around playgrounds.

Jeff, don't come back. without the
marijuana.

My luck. I have to have an aunt who's a
head.

Walter, Jeff... A head of what?

Walter?

Walter, Jeff blew it. He blew it. He
didn't bring the marijuana. What am I

to do? All the girls were expecting me
to supply the stuff.

Oh, Lorraine. I'm so nervous, Maude.
Hello, Walter.

I guess that you and the girls are all
ready to go. We couldn't be readier.

Shirley and Francis have already left in
Rita's station wagon. Sue Jane, Sally,

Joyce, you and I are going to go in my
Volkswagen.

Well, that should be a fun ride, Maude.

Listen, Lorraine, look.

Why don't you go on ahead, and I'll meet
the rest of you girls down at the

station. Well, if there's nothing wrong,
is there? You do have the pot, don't

you? Do I have the pot?

Walter, she wants to know if I have the
pot.

Tell her, Mort.

Uh, Lorraine, you go on without me.
Well, I thought we'd go together.

Well, no, I think it's wise that we
split up. You know, in case you have a

accident, at least one of us can get
through.

What do you think of everything?

Walter,

Walter, what am I going to do? What am I
going to do? You tried and you failed

and you can't do any better than that.
Now look, I'm sure the kid's going to be

all right.

What are his parents doing about this?
Oh, come on, Walter. He's not some rich

kid whose parents can buy his way out of
it. He's a poor kid who supports

himself working in a supermarket.

I've got to get the marijuana. I refuse
to give up. Good morning.

Oh, Carol.

Carol, honey, I have a big favor to ask
of you. Mother, please spare me.

It's bad enough I had to listen to you
and Walter argue all night.

We were not arguing. I just had to speak
very loud because Walter was trying to

sleep.

Well, anyway, I feel awful. Because of
you, I ended up taking a Valium,

something I never do.

Oh, honey, you should have tried a
couple of Doradins.

You should have tried a couple of
earplugs.

I just wonder what I'm going to do all
day at work.

Oh, honey, why didn't you tell me I have
just the thing for you? That's what

mommies are for.

Here, sweetheart.

Take a Ritalin.

It'll pick you up like that.

Now then, I did you a favor.

You do me a favor.

Honey, I've got to have some marijuana.

Now, please, Carol.

Call one of your weird friends.

Mother, I would love to help you, but at
the moment, I don't know anyone who

smokes grass.

You raise a daughter and what happens?

She turns out to be a woman.

Now, she is a member of the family,
aren't you, Florida?

So far, nobody ever noticed much of a
family resemblance.

Listen, Florida, I have to confide in
you.

I need some marijuana.

I'm sorry, Ms. Finley. I hate to
disappoint you, but on my salary, I'm a

Pepper girl.

I was going to say she couldn't help
you. Carol, please.

Florida is black. Now, don't tell me she
doesn't know any musicians.

Oh, hey, you know, Maud, with a little
sauerkraut, knockwurst ain't bad for

breakfast.

Good morning, all.

Well, the good doctor.

Now, Marty, be kind.

I'm not a well man.

Last night I attended a seminar on
preventive medicine.

I've got a hell of a hangover.

Arthur, as long as you're here.

Maud ran out of second holds, and I
could use some Miltown and some Librium.

Well, all right, Walter.

I have to remind you again that we do
not approve of people consuming

which could have a deleterious effect on
their health.

Make me a Bloody Mary. I think I'm
dying.

Arthur, if you don't feel well, I am
sincerely sorry.

Now, I really mean that, Arthur.

You didn't get the marijuana, right?

Too bad, Marty, it looks like you don't
have a pot to protest in.

Listen, Arthur, Arthur, I desperately
need your help.

Ah, you're not going to drag me to this
ludicrous scheme.

Arthur, listen, you know darn well they
are not going to put 146 wives of

prominent businessmen into jail.

And with all the bad publicity, they are
not going to put Harold Collins into

jail. Why not?

He had a quarter of an ounce of
marijuana.

That's a felony.

Any sensible kid would have had a couple
of joints in his pocket.

That's a misdemeanor, and the most he
could get would be a year in jail. You

know, that remark makes just about as
much sense as the ridiculous marijuana

law, which I am against because it is
too severe.

Arthur, the punishment does not fit the
crime.

It's terrible to think of all the kids
using artificial stimulants like

marijuana to solve all their problems.

This could use a little more budget.

Arthur, the American Bar Association,
the President's Commission, even your

organization... Civilization, the AMA,
all say the laws are too severe.

What's that got to do with it?

I'm talking about morality.

You start these young kids off on pot,
indiscriminate sex, running off to

to avoid the draft, you know what it
leads to?

You know what it leads to?

Well, I'll tell you what it leads to.

Jane Fonda.

Arthur, if that's what it takes to get a
Jane Fonda,

My father once played Abraham Lincoln.

What's this great romance you have going
with marijuana?

Oh, look, Arthur, I smoke as much grass
as you do. None.

Arthur, you've got some nerve. You're
condemning Harold Collins while you're

standing here dispensing drugs like
they're going out of style. And on top

it, you're hungover from drinking.

But I did not deliberately set out to
get high. There's a very great

between myself and Harold Collins.

Well, I've got to get to the hospital.
Thanks for the drink.

Look at that, shaking like a leaf.

Lucky for me, I don't have to operate
today.

Lucky for him?

Can you believe it? It's lucky for
everybody.

Excuse me, Mrs. Finley, but a friend of
your nephew's left this at the back

door. He says you owe him $20.

Walter, give her the money.

Oh, Florida.

Florida, there is a pot fairy after all.

What fairy?

Funny. The kid looked normal to me.

So that's marijuana.

Looks just like oregano, doesn't it?

Wonder what it smells like. Doesn't
smell like much of anything till you

it.

Don't know anybody who uses pot, huh?

Walter, what are you doing with my
marijuana?

Your marijuana?

Didn't I just pay $20 for it? Oh, come
on, Walter. What does that have to do

with it? If I paid for it, it's mine.

Now, look, Walter, don't do this to me.
Give me my marijuana and I'll give you

the money. I don't want your $20,
Walter. Walter, I am not talking about

Here is two cents, which, believe me, is
all your life will be worth if you

don't give me my money.

Now, look, Walter, all those women are
depending on me. Harold Collins is

depending on me. Now, give me the pot.

Maud, you walk into that police station
with that bag of marijuana, and if they

throw anyone in jail, it'll be you.

Walter, name me one housewife they ever
threw into jail.

Lizzie Borden.

Lizzie Borden never married.

No, but she was going with somebody.

Maud, I'm not giving you my permission
to go through with this. Walter.

Permission? Did you say your permission?

I'm your husband, Maude. And I'm your
wife, Walter.

But if you remember our marriage vows,
they were love, honor, and cherish, not

love, honor, and obey, because it is
very wrong for one human being to have

obey another human being. Now do what I
tell you and give me the pie!

Not as long as you're my wife, Maude.
The rights of the individual stop! when

affects the marriage.

Walter, I am me.

And I was me long before I became Mrs.
You.

You don't own me.

Okay, Maude.

Have it your way.

Hey, you see this? You know what's in
here?

The name and telephone number of a very
attractive little chick that works for

me down at the store. She's crazy about
me. She keeps telling me how cute my

bald spot is.

are you going to do? I'm going to just
give her a call and ask her to spend the

weekend with me in Atlantic City.

Walter, are you crazy?

Mort, I'm doing this strictly as an
individual, so it shouldn't affect our

marriage, should it?

Now listen, Walter, look.

Walter, please put the phone down.

Because, Walter, if you don't put the
phone down, the next call you make will

dial a prayer.

Now, Maude, you be reasonable. You're
going to spend this weekend in jail

anyway. Look, put the phone down,
Walter.

Look, maybe Arlene and I will stop by on
the way home and visit you in jail. Oh.

Hello, baby. Wally.

Wally? Yeah. How about this weekend in
Atlantic City?

Walter, are you out of your mind?

Do you realize you just ruined my
weekend?

The only thing you can do to make me
forgive you for this is to give me the

So the rights of the individual do stop
when it affects the marriage.

Okay, Walter.

You win.

You've made your point. I see there's
nothing I can do.

You keep the pot.

What happened to the phone?

Oh, you know, Maud, always redecorating.

It was an accident.

She wanted to tear the wall out of the
house.

Boy, that woman is something else. What
are you talking about?

Your mother, she just came into the
kitchen, grabbed some oregano, and said,

Florida, to hell with it. I'm going to
jail.

And she sailed out of there.

Oregano? She took oregano to the police
station?

Well, maybe she thinks the way I cook
Italian food is a crime.

and invited me to spend the weekend with
him at last.

She's coming! She's coming!

She'll be here in a second. She's got
the pot with her. You'll be able to

us all in a minute.

Thanks. I can't tell you what a thrill
it is for me to be able to break the

of organized crime.

Now, would you mind moving to the other
part of the room? We've got to clear

this aisle. No!

Sergeant. Lady, you've heard of police
brutality?

We're animals when we're unleashed.

All right. Go on, girls. Please.

We shall overcome!

We shall overcome!

I have the pot right here. But listen,
why don't you all stay up here and let

talk to that gentleman. Maybe I can make
some kind of a...

rather than have to give each of us her
own part of money.

But are you the man I report to?

Yes, ma 'am. All right, well, here, I
have enough pot to arrest myself and my

friends for possessing more than a
quarter of an ounce. I know, I know.

Well, fine, then print us, mug us, book
us, and beat us up.

Lady, we need the evidence as far as
beating you up goes.

One on one, I think we'd lose.

Ladies, listen, come on, we're going to
be arrested.

Get back, get back.

Okay, lady, you win. I'll take you
first.

Name, please.

Maude Findlay.

Married? At the moment, barely.

Age?

Lady, how old are you?

Look. Officer, if there's a law that
requires a woman to tell her age, I'm

to protest that, too.

Now, get on with it. Okay, I'll just put
down how old I think you look.

47, and I just saved your life.

Maud, Maud, he wants to take a picture
of you getting arrested. Wait a minute,

that's against regulations. Come on,
smile, Sergeant. Try to look pleasant.

Think of it as one small step for
mankind.

Okay, lady, I got your picture.

Now give me the marijuana or no arrests
and that's final.

Okay.

No need to do that. I mean, if you've
seen one bag of marijuana, you've seen

them all.

Wait a minute, lady. That don't look
like marijuana.

All right, I'll give you one more look.

I didn't get a good look, but I got a
good smell.

That's oregano.

It's amazing how many people who don't
know the real stuff think that.

Lady, I'm Italian.

I've been on oregano all my life.

I knew you were Italian. You remind me
of some famous person. I can't remember

who. Mrs. Finley, there's no Italian
celebrity that's going to flatter me.

The Pope.

Oh, forget it. There's nothing on the
Pope. about smoking oregano.

Now listen, Sergeant, come closer.

What's your name, honey?

Lazario, Sergeant Joseph Lazario.

Tell me, Joey, do you have any children?

Yeah, two.

Who might at any moment be thrown into
jail for smoking pot?

Lady, my youngest one turns on by
playing with her toes. She's two.

Please, think of this as marijuana,
Joey, for your children's future and for

sake of a sweet kid named Harold
Collins.

Lady, have a heart. I'm exhausted.

Why didn't you tell me, you silly?

I have just the thing for you. Here,
take one of these. You'll feel better

away. What is it?

Dexamil. Go on, take it. In police
parlance, it's an upper. I know what it

No, no, lady.

I want to arrest you, but I can't,
honestly.

Now, look, Joey, I have had a very rough
day.

I had the real pot.

The real pot. I had it, but after three
days of fighting with my husband and no

sleep and taking abuse from my next
-door neighbor, my husband took it away

me just 20 minutes ago.

Now, look, Joey, I've had it up to here.
All over the state, 146 women are being

mugged and fingerprinted.

Now, Joey, if you don't arrest me and my
friends, may the Lord have mercy on

your police station, because you are
going to have eight screaming middle

women pulling a sit -in stark naked.

Tom!

Tom, save us all.

Go down a block and buy this lady some
grass.

That's right, lady. We know where it is.
We just don't have time rounding it all

up. But don't worry. I'm going to arrest
you, okay?

We are definitely going to be arrested.

Lorraine, Lorraine, please. We already
overcame.

Hold it, hold it.

Just got orders from upstairs.

Everybody go home.

Sergeant, I don't understand.

There's nothing to understand. Just go
home, please.

But Sergeant, in a minute I'm going to
have the real stuff.

Lady, I just got the word. We ain't
arresting no housewives from New York

today. Oh, now look, you're not going to
get rid of us that easy.

Now look, lady, it don't make a
difference now. Go home, will you?

Sergeant. Lady, go home.

Sergeant, what happened to the Collins
kid?

Judge gave him three years.

Three years?

Now, Mrs. Finley, if I ever got into any
trouble, I'd want you on my side.

And Lorraine, be sure to remind everyone
to bring our own picket sign.

What? What's going on? Oh, honey, I have
a million and one things on my mind,

and I have to be in Albany by four o
'clock.

You already organized a trip to Albany?
And this time, Walter, we cannot fail.

Honey, we have a thousand women from all
over the state who are going to picket

in front of the governor's mansion.

We got 80 women from just around here.
We chartered a bus, and I have to go or

I'll miss it. Walt, you are sensational.

Is there anything that I can do to help?
Oh, honey, don't be silly. You've done

more than enough. You rented the bus.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.