All language subtitles for Maude s01e08 Flashback

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude. That ain't

compromising, enterprising, anything but
tranquilizing. No, no, no.

Hey, Maude, hurry up.

The early election returns are coming
in.

The election returns are coming in
already. How we doing? How we doing?

easy. It's some little town in Maine.
Six votes for Nixon, four for McGovern.

Oh, my God, we're losing.

If you really do exist, get even with
Maine.

How do you know he's not a Republican?

Well, do you start in with me, and I'm
going to wear my golf shoes to bed

tonight.

Well, well, well, well, buddy, how do
you like the first returns?

Four votes for govern and six for
America.

Scratch Maine, get Arthur.

That won't help, Marty.

Remember, Nixon's the one. And you're
the other one.

Now, Maude. I'm sorry, sweetheart, but
this is the most important campaign I've

ever lived through.

What about the one in 68?

That's got to be more important. That's
when you and I started going together.

That's right, Maude. When I introduced
you two.

Little did I think. Yeah, that's your
problem.

Little do you think. Honey, we never
started going together. We started

together. Will you ever forget that last
date we had before we got married? When

you were so impossible about the
election.

Walter, leave me completely speechless.

Walter, please. How can anyone say that
there is no difference between Hubert

Humphrey and Richard Nixon? Then, Ward,
what is this, a date or a political

seminar?

I mean, for the past month, I've been
going with a warm, wonderful, responsive

woman, and tonight she turns out to be
Mayor Daley.

I'm sorry, darling, but how can an
intelligent man like you not vote?

Because with Nixon and Humphrey, it's
strictly Tweedledum or Tweedledee.

I personally have no favorite Tweedle.

You know, they say that politics makes
strange bedfellows. Let's check it out.

Walter. Maud, at my age, you want me to
start getting pimples again?

Oh, you're evil, Walter.

You better believe it.

Did I ring your bell or was that the
door?

Yes, honey, you rang my bell and that
was the door.

Maude, what you did today is a low,
unspeakable, underhanded, miserable,

despicable thing to do.

I'm sorry to intrude, old buddy, but
this female friend of yours pasted a

Humphrey bumper sticker on top of my
Nixon bumper.

You're going to trade the car in anyway,
Arthur.

Walter, a Humphrey bumper sticker is no
laughing matter.

I'm a physician.

You know old Doc Stanbrook, the head of
surgery over at the hospital?

Well, he told me in no uncertain words
that if I come out on the side of

socialized medicine, he's going to turn
me into a soprano.

Arthur, that would be the musical
highlight of the year.

I want to be on the winning team. I am
on the winning team, Marty. I am voting

for Richard Milhouse Nixon. Oh, come on,
Arthur.

This country will never elect a man who
can't even shave properly.

Thanks to you Democrats, Maude, this
country has nothing but social unrest.

Everybody's divided.

We're hopelessly embroiled in that
fiasco of a war in Vietnam.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute,
Arthur. I hate this war. You're the one

for it. That's not true, Maude.

I was only for the war if we were going
to win.

Mr. Nixon's going to get us out. Ah.

Now we come to that famous secret plan
of his. Yes, and a darn good plan, too.

It'll end the war in six months.

All right.

Arthur, if it's so secret, how do you
know it's any good?

Oh. Would Mr.

Nixon let the whole world know about a
plan if he wasn't sure it was going to

work?

No.

He'd keep it a secret.

You know, Arthur, you're going to make
me take up smoking again.

Buddy, will you get out of here and
leave me alone with my girl?

All right.

You don't have to drop a ton of bricks
on my head to know when I'm not wanted.

Well, to remind me to order a ton of
bricks.

Go ahead, Maud. Vote for that radical
Humphrey. Next thing you know, he'll be

China, and China will be in the United
Nations.

Oh,

the imagination on that man.

Maud, will you forget Arthur?

We're alone now.

Doesn't that suggest something to you?

Discretion.

Carol and Philip are upstairs.

Upstairs now? Honey, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, but she was feeling so depressed

about her divorce that I asked her to
move in until it became final.

Well, that was nice of you, Maude.

Carol having a home to come to was
certainly more important than us being

Let's go to my place.

Walter, at this hour?

Why not?

Oh, Walter, behave.

Behave? You didn't say that last
Wednesday night.

You didn't give me a chance to say
anything last Wednesday night.

Yeah. Oh, Walter, I can hardly catch my
breath now except to say one thing.

And what's that?

Honey, if you don't vote, it might cost
the Democrats the election.

Mort, cut it out. I'm fed up with
politics. I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm

It's just that I'm so nervous about the
election. And I'm so upset about Carol.

Then Arthur comes in and gets me
really... Mort!

Sit!

I sat.

Walter? Get out of my house.

What? Out, Walter. Out. Out of my house.
What's going on?

No time for questions, Walter. Just go.

Well, I'm not going out until I get an
explanation. I'll give you an

explanation. Tomorrow. Tomorrow you'll
get an explanation, Walter. On the

Out.

What's wrong?

Walter, that's what's wrong.

He's opinionated. He's stubborn. He's
domineering.

a woman could want.

Carol, I'm in love with him.

That's fantastic.

Carol, what is fantastic about marriage?

Walter proposed?

No, but I thought about him proposing.

The thought just sent me into a blind
panic.

Why? Why should Walter proposing upset
you?

Honey, I've had three failures. I'm a
career divorcee.

You don't have to tell me. I know what
you're going through.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to remind you
of the pain you're going through.

It's just that marriage scares the hell
out of me. I'm no good at it. Mother,

that's not true. You've just had bad
luck, and you shouldn't blame yourself.

Carol, I should have become a nun years
ago.

When I still had time to go Catholic.

important to you and you're afraid of
getting married. Mother, this is 1968.

don't you just live with him?

What kind of a suggestion is that?

Well, it would solve the problem.

Carol, Walter and I aren't a couple of
teenagers with headbands and no

underwear.

I mean, we can't just run off and hide
in a Volkswagen

camper.

I swear I'm going to rip that doorbell
out. From now on, if anybody wants to

come in, they can stay out.

Lord, Walter, I'm not home.

than to think I had you on purpose.

Walter, we said goodbye.

You said goodbye. I said, what's going
on?

I'm sorry, I'm busy. I have to tuck
Carol in.

Maud!

I've been driving around in circles
trying to figure out why you threw me

here. Now, is it something I've said,
something I've done, or worse?

Is it somebody else? I want to know.

You want to know what it is?

You made love to me and I don't want to
get married.

Who proposed?

The way things are going, you will.

Maud.

You love me.

I didn't say that.

But you love me, Maud. You love me. All
right, all right. I love you.

And I love you.

So let's get married. You see, I told
you.

All I said was, let's get married. And
you know that I cannot bear the thought

of our being man and wife. But I love
you. Stop browbeating me, Walt.

Then what do you want from me?

I just want to live with you.

Don't look at me that way. I mean, this
isn't something I do every Sunday for

exercise.

Walt, I don't get it.

What have you got against marriage?

Three wipeouts.

So what? I struck out once myself.

That doesn't mean we can't try it again.
I don't want to try again, Walter.

Look, we're two adults. What's wrong
with our living together?

Oh, look, Maud.

I'm not looking for fun and games.

What I want is a permanent relationship
I can feel right about.

What do you mean, feel right about?

Oh, come on, Walter. Are you accusing me
of being immoral? I'm not accusing you

of anything, but I'll tell you this. If
I'm good enough to live with, I'm good

enough to marry.

And if I'm good enough to marry, I'm
good enough to live with.

You know what you are, Walter?

You're a marriage nut.

I mean, you're a mid -Victorian stuffed
shirt.

I'm a what? Yeah, your attitude is right
out of the 19th century.

Okay. Let's hear what the 20th century
has to say about it. Let's ask the

neighbors. Okay.

a 21 year old with a 42 inch bust and an
IQ of 14.

Sweetheart, remember that night you
stormed out of here four years ago? I

thought we'd see each other again. Do I
remember?

The only good thing about the next two
weeks was that I never stopped drinking

long enough to have a hangover.

Listen, you two can reminisce any time.
There's an election on. Later.

Walter, do you mean that because of me,
you stayed alone in your apartment for

two weeks drinking?

I drank a lot.

Who was she?

Who was who? The one you weren't alone
with in your apartment for two weeks

you were drinking a lot.

Did I say I was with anybody, Mort?

Walter Findlay, you were having the time
of your life.

While the woman you were in love with
was wasting away with a broken heart.

And a parade of ding -a -lings you
wouldn't believe.

I brought my partner out, little lady.
We've become the third largest retailers

in storm windows, screen doors, and
window sashes.

Have you any idea, Maude, how many storm
windows we've moved in this last year?

39 ,542.

And none were broken in delivery.

Henry, it's been a lovely evening,
especially the chow mein.

That was chow mein.

The best, Maude, the best. And where do
you try this sweet and sour?

This sweet and sour is out of this
world. And so are you, Henry.

So, Henry, thank you for a lovely
evening and the Chinese before seven

But, Maude, it's only a quarter to
eight, and I picked you up at 6 .30. I

Good night, Henry.

But, Maude, I know what it is, Maude. I
know what's bothering you.

It's a headache, isn't it? Like you
wouldn't believe it.

Good night. Oh, little lady, did you
have a bad day?

Why should I have had a bad day? Because
Humphrey lost the election and my

entire world is crumbling around me.

Oh, Maude, look, Maude, there's
something I want to ask you. My storm

are fine.

They've hardly been stormed on in two
years.

That's not what I want to ask you,
little lady.

Maud, you know I'm not financially
insecure.

There's my storm window, screen door,
and window sash company.

There's my three -bedroom, two -and -a
-half -bathroom house in Orchard Street.

There's my $100 ,000 life insurance.

Do you know what I'm getting at, Maud?

You want me to be your accountant.

My wife!

We'd make a great little partnership.

Oh, there's a few things we'd have to
iron out first, things like which house

should live in, things like that.

How's your plumbing, Maud?

It works, Henry.

Oh, no, Henry, you're a doll to ask me
to marry. I mean, a regular jelly bean.

Unfortunately, I've made other plans.

You see, I'm going to become a female
monk in a monastery.

And, Jelly Bean, if you leave quietly,
I'll see to it that you get all of our

storm stained glass window business.

You're always kidding, Maud. I get it.
You want to think it over, right?

A long, long time.

But don't worry. If I should marry you,
you'll be the first to know. Oh, now,

don't forget, Maud. You will let me
know.

And now, good night, sweet prince. You
know what, little lady? I'm going to

you over a new screen door tomorrow,
free.

Here's my card. Call me.

Sorry.

home so early? I'm celebrating because
I'm home so early.

Another winner, huh?

I don't believe you.

How'd you get rid of this one?

He got crushed in the door.

All that was left were his teeth, and
the last time I looked, they were still

talking.

I guess it really makes you appreciate a
fellow like Walter, doesn't it?

That's in the past, Carol.

Mother, look, he may not be Mr. America,
but one thing he is not is boring.

Are you sure you've put him out of your
mind?

Completely.

I only cried half of last night.

Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I
shouldn't have suggested that you live

instead of getting married. I mean, look
at you. You're not sleeping. You're not

eating. And I'm not getting married.

But, Mother, you're miserable this way.
Look at it this way, Carol. With a

little bit of luck, he's as miserable as
I am.

I didn't expect to find you here.
Evening, Arthur.

What are you doing?

Drinking alone?

I like to drink alone, Arthur.

Good. I'll join you.

Hello, Scotch and Waterberg.

Well, you seen Maude lately?

No. You don't want to talk about it,
right?

Right. I understand.

I knew when I introduced you to her,
it'd never work out.

Thanks for not talking. about it,
Arthur.

What are friends for?

Thanks, Bert.

So what have you been doing with
yourself the last couple of weeks?

Having a ball.

Just last night I fell asleep in my
chair watching an old Mae West movie.

It was a darn good movie, wasn't it?

You know what you need, Walter?

As a doctor, I know more than a little
bit about this.

You could use a little female diversion.

Arthur, last week I took out a diversion
who spent the entire evening talking

about the Jefferson airplane.

It took me three hours to find out she
wasn't a stewardess.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

But we all need company.

Doctors, too.

Most people don't think that way about
doctors, but we get biological, too, you

know.

apologize, Arthur.

This may come as something of a surprise
to you, but I'm not quite the ladies'

man you think I am.

Yes, you are, Arthur.

But I'm not like you.

I don't have your power over women.

Smooth, glib, easy with the words.

Not surprising, of course. You're a
Maytag dealer.

That's true. In great lovers of history,
we Maytag dealers tied for second place

with Paul Newman.

Whirlpool was first.

Walter, as your friend, as a doctor,
take it from me.

You could use a little female
companionship.

Can you get us a couple of girls?

Help yourself.

What's that?

The Oxford English Dictionary of Broads.
What do you think it was?

Walter, I couldn't. I couldn't.

Who's Barbara?

That's Henry with my free screen door
open.

My two eggs over easy and my coffee
black.

And incidentally, let's get a bar in
here. I hate these rolling carts.

Water.

Are you trying to tell me something?

It's obvious, isn't it?

You win. We'll do it your way.

You mean you're moving in with me?

Well, there's not enough room for the
two of us in my apartment.

Any objections?

No.

Great.

I'll have to get some big towels for
the... Oh, Walter, this makes up for

Humphrey losing.

Oh, but honey, I mean, you should have
called me. I mean, I don't know what to

say.

to do.

I mean, I should make room up in the
closet. I mean, there's no room up in...

Maude, the first thing to do is relax.

If I relax, I faint.

Look, why don't I take this stuff
upstairs and you get the rest of your

out of the car?

Well, that's all I brought. I'm leaving
the rest of my clothes at the apartment.

At the apartment?

But, honey, if you're moving in here,
why do you need your apartment?

Maude, this is your house.

Suppose we get into a Pier 6 brawl
tonight and you throw me out. What do I

Check into the Y at four in the morning?

Walter, darling, this is your house as
much as it is mine.

It's not my house. Yes, it is.

And I absolutely forbid you to keep that
apartment while you're living in my

house, and that's that.

Okay.

Well, we've almost lived two and a half
minutes together, which isn't bad.

in these days of casual relationships.

Let me have my suit. What are you doing?

I'm going home. What do you mean? Look,
Liv, go to the suit. You're wrinkling

it. I'll press it. I'll press it. Look,
I mean, you're not leaving because I

said you couldn't keep your apartment.

Yes, I am. And watch out for the lapels.
It's a $200 suit.

Here's what I think of your suit,
Walter.

If you hang on to that apartment, it's
like having one foot in a bedroom

and the other one in a track shoe.

Well, isn't that...

If that's your attitude, you can take
your $200 suit and get out of here.

It only costs $75. You think I'd bring a
$200 suit into this house?

Walter, I don't understand you.

Well, I understand me.

I want us to make a commitment for the
rest of our lives, and you don't. Are

crazy? Are you bananas?

Are you out of your mind? I want to be
with you till you're 112.

Well, if that's what you want, it's
called marriage.

Now, living together is just a
convenience for two people who are

might not make it. That's not true.

Okay, let's ask the neighbors. No, wait,
wait.

All right, all right, all right. Let's
assume that you are right and we get

married. What assurance do we have that
we won't split up later on? None!

I mean, all we know now is that we love
each other and we'll try.

Maude, enough of this.

We're going out right now.

and find a justice of the peace and get
married. Now, get your coat. No, no, no,

no, no. Marriage is a scrap of paper,
Walter. Mort!

Coat!

Why,

Mort, are you crying?

Of course I am, you dum -dum.

I mean, the proposal is a very romantic
moment. for a girl?

It certainly was some campaign we went
through in 68. It

certainly was.

Hey, why don't we go upstairs and watch
the rest of the returns on the set in

the bedroom?

That's very nice of you, Walter. This
set's fine.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.