Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That ain't

compromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

Hey, Maude, hurry up.

The early election returns are coming in.

The election returns are coming in already. How we doing? How we doing?

easy. It's some little town in Maine. Six votes for Nixon, four for McGovern.

Oh, my God, we're losing.

If you really do exist, get even with Maine.

How do you know he's not a Republican?

Well, do you start in with me, and I'm going to wear my golf shoes to bed

tonight.

Well, well, well, well, buddy, how do you like the first returns?

Four votes for govern and six for America.

Scratch Maine, get Arthur.

That won't help, Marty.

Remember, Nixon's the one. And you're the other one.

Now, Maude. I'm sorry, sweetheart, but this is the most important campaign I've

ever lived through.

What about the one in 68?

That's got to be more important. That's when you and I started going together.

That's right, Maude. When I introduced you two.

Little did I think. Yeah, that's your problem.

Little do you think. Honey, we never started going together. We started

together. Will you ever forget that last date we had before we got married? When

you were so impossible about the election.

Walter, leave me completely speechless.

Walter, please. How can anyone say that there is no difference between Hubert

Humphrey and Richard Nixon? Then, Ward, what is this, a date or a political

seminar?

I mean, for the past month, I've been going with a warm, wonderful, responsive

woman, and tonight she turns out to be Mayor Daley.

I'm sorry, darling, but how can an intelligent man like you not vote?

Because with Nixon and Humphrey, it's strictly Tweedledum or Tweedledee.

I personally have no favorite Tweedle.

You know, they say that politics makes strange bedfellows. Let's check it out.

Walter. Maud, at my age, you want me to start getting pimples again?

Oh, you're evil, Walter.

You better believe it.

Did I ring your bell or was that the door?

Yes, honey, you rang my bell and that was the door.

Maude, what you did today is a low, unspeakable, underhanded, miserable,

despicable thing to do.

I'm sorry to intrude, old buddy, but this female friend of yours pasted a

Humphrey bumper sticker on top of my Nixon bumper.

You're going to trade the car in anyway, Arthur.

Walter, a Humphrey bumper sticker is no laughing matter.

I'm a physician.

You know old Doc Stanbrook, the head of surgery over at the hospital?

Well, he told me in no uncertain words that if I come out on the side of

socialized medicine, he's going to turn me into a soprano.

Arthur, that would be the musical highlight of the year.

I want to be on the winning team. I am on the winning team, Marty. I am voting

for Richard Milhouse Nixon. Oh, come on, Arthur.

This country will never elect a man who can't even shave properly.

Thanks to you Democrats, Maude, this country has nothing but social unrest.

Everybody's divided.

We're hopelessly embroiled in that fiasco of a war in Vietnam.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute, Arthur. I hate this war. You're the one

for it. That's not true, Maude.

I was only for the war if we were going to win.

Mr. Nixon's going to get us out. Ah.

Now we come to that famous secret plan of his. Yes, and a darn good plan, too.

It'll end the war in six months.

All right.

Arthur, if it's so secret, how do you know it's any good?

Oh. Would Mr.

Nixon let the whole world know about a plan if he wasn't sure it was going to

work?

No.

He'd keep it a secret.

You know, Arthur, you're going to make me take up smoking again.

Buddy, will you get out of here and leave me alone with my girl?

All right.

You don't have to drop a ton of bricks on my head to know when I'm not wanted.

Well, to remind me to order a ton of bricks.

Go ahead, Maud. Vote for that radical Humphrey. Next thing you know, he'll be

China, and China will be in the United Nations.

Oh,

the imagination on that man.

Maud, will you forget Arthur?

We're alone now.

Doesn't that suggest something to you?

Discretion.

Carol and Philip are upstairs.

Upstairs now? Honey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but she was feeling so depressed

about her divorce that I asked her to move in until it became final.

Well, that was nice of you, Maude.

Carol having a home to come to was certainly more important than us being

Let's go to my place.

Walter, at this hour?

Why not?

Oh, Walter, behave.

Behave? You didn't say that last Wednesday night.

You didn't give me a chance to say anything last Wednesday night.

Yeah. Oh, Walter, I can hardly catch my breath now except to say one thing.

And what's that?

Honey, if you don't vote, it might cost the Democrats the election.

Mort, cut it out. I'm fed up with politics. I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm

It's just that I'm so nervous about the election. And I'm so upset about Carol.

Then Arthur comes in and gets me really... Mort!

Sit!

I sat.

Walter? Get out of my house.

What? Out, Walter. Out. Out of my house. What's going on?

No time for questions, Walter. Just go.

Well, I'm not going out until I get an explanation. I'll give you an

explanation. Tomorrow. Tomorrow you'll get an explanation, Walter. On the

Out.

What's wrong?

Walter, that's what's wrong.

He's opinionated. He's stubborn. He's domineering.

a woman could want.

Carol, I'm in love with him.

That's fantastic.

Carol, what is fantastic about marriage?

Walter proposed?

No, but I thought about him proposing.

The thought just sent me into a blind panic.

Why? Why should Walter proposing upset you?

Honey, I've had three failures. I'm a career divorcee.

You don't have to tell me. I know what you're going through.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to remind you of the pain you're going through.

It's just that marriage scares the hell out of me. I'm no good at it. Mother,

that's not true. You've just had bad luck, and you shouldn't blame yourself.

Carol, I should have become a nun years ago.

When I still had time to go Catholic.

important to you and you're afraid of getting married. Mother, this is 1968.

don't you just live with him?

What kind of a suggestion is that?

Well, it would solve the problem.

Carol, Walter and I aren't a couple of teenagers with headbands and no

underwear.

I mean, we can't just run off and hide in a Volkswagen

camper.

I swear I'm going to rip that doorbell out. From now on, if anybody wants to

come in, they can stay out.

Lord, Walter, I'm not home.

than to think I had you on purpose.

Walter, we said goodbye.

You said goodbye. I said, what's going on?

I'm sorry, I'm busy. I have to tuck Carol in.

Maud!

I've been driving around in circles trying to figure out why you threw me

here. Now, is it something I've said, something I've done, or worse?

Is it somebody else? I want to know.

You want to know what it is?

You made love to me and I don't want to get married.

Who proposed?

The way things are going, you will.

Maud.

You love me.

I didn't say that.

But you love me, Maud. You love me. All right, all right. I love you.

And I love you.

So let's get married. You see, I told you.

All I said was, let's get married. And you know that I cannot bear the thought

of our being man and wife. But I love you. Stop browbeating me, Walt.

Then what do you want from me?

I just want to live with you.

Don't look at me that way. I mean, this isn't something I do every Sunday for

exercise.

Walt, I don't get it.

What have you got against marriage?

Three wipeouts.

So what? I struck out once myself.

That doesn't mean we can't try it again. I don't want to try again, Walter.

Look, we're two adults. What's wrong with our living together?

Oh, look, Maud.

I'm not looking for fun and games.

What I want is a permanent relationship I can feel right about.

What do you mean, feel right about?

Oh, come on, Walter. Are you accusing me of being immoral? I'm not accusing you

of anything, but I'll tell you this. If I'm good enough to live with, I'm good

enough to marry.

And if I'm good enough to marry, I'm good enough to live with.

You know what you are, Walter?

You're a marriage nut.

I mean, you're a mid -Victorian stuffed shirt.

I'm a what? Yeah, your attitude is right out of the 19th century.

Okay. Let's hear what the 20th century has to say about it. Let's ask the

neighbors. Okay.

a 21 year old with a 42 inch bust and an IQ of 14.

Sweetheart, remember that night you stormed out of here four years ago? I

thought we'd see each other again. Do I remember?

The only good thing about the next two weeks was that I never stopped drinking

long enough to have a hangover.

Listen, you two can reminisce any time. There's an election on. Later.

Walter, do you mean that because of me, you stayed alone in your apartment for

two weeks drinking?

I drank a lot.

Who was she?

Who was who? The one you weren't alone with in your apartment for two weeks

you were drinking a lot.

Did I say I was with anybody, Mort?

Walter Findlay, you were having the time of your life.

While the woman you were in love with was wasting away with a broken heart.

And a parade of ding -a -lings you wouldn't believe.

I brought my partner out, little lady. We've become the third largest retailers

in storm windows, screen doors, and window sashes.

Have you any idea, Maude, how many storm windows we've moved in this last year?

39 ,542.

And none were broken in delivery.

Henry, it's been a lovely evening, especially the chow mein.

That was chow mein.

The best, Maude, the best. And where do you try this sweet and sour?

This sweet and sour is out of this world. And so are you, Henry.

So, Henry, thank you for a lovely evening and the Chinese before seven

But, Maude, it's only a quarter to eight, and I picked you up at 6 .30. I

Good night, Henry.

But, Maude, I know what it is, Maude. I know what's bothering you.

It's a headache, isn't it? Like you wouldn't believe it.

Good night. Oh, little lady, did you have a bad day?

Why should I have had a bad day? Because Humphrey lost the election and my

entire world is crumbling around me.

Oh, Maude, look, Maude, there's something I want to ask you. My storm

are fine.

They've hardly been stormed on in two years.

That's not what I want to ask you, little lady.

Maud, you know I'm not financially insecure.

There's my storm window, screen door, and window sash company.

There's my three -bedroom, two -and -a -half -bathroom house in Orchard Street.

There's my $100 ,000 life insurance.

Do you know what I'm getting at, Maud?

You want me to be your accountant.

My wife!

We'd make a great little partnership.

Oh, there's a few things we'd have to iron out first, things like which house

should live in, things like that.

How's your plumbing, Maud?

It works, Henry.

Oh, no, Henry, you're a doll to ask me to marry. I mean, a regular jelly bean.

Unfortunately, I've made other plans.

You see, I'm going to become a female monk in a monastery.

And, Jelly Bean, if you leave quietly, I'll see to it that you get all of our

storm stained glass window business.

You're always kidding, Maud. I get it. You want to think it over, right?

A long, long time.

But don't worry. If I should marry you, you'll be the first to know. Oh, now,

don't forget, Maud. You will let me know.

And now, good night, sweet prince. You know what, little lady? I'm going to

you over a new screen door tomorrow, free.

Here's my card. Call me.

Sorry.

home so early? I'm celebrating because I'm home so early.

Another winner, huh?

I don't believe you.

How'd you get rid of this one?

He got crushed in the door.

All that was left were his teeth, and the last time I looked, they were still

talking.

I guess it really makes you appreciate a fellow like Walter, doesn't it?

That's in the past, Carol.

Mother, look, he may not be Mr. America, but one thing he is not is boring.

Are you sure you've put him out of your mind?

Completely.

I only cried half of last night.

Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I shouldn't have suggested that you live

instead of getting married. I mean, look at you. You're not sleeping. You're not

eating. And I'm not getting married.

But, Mother, you're miserable this way. Look at it this way, Carol. With a

little bit of luck, he's as miserable as I am.

I didn't expect to find you here. Evening, Arthur.

What are you doing?

Drinking alone?

I like to drink alone, Arthur.

Good. I'll join you.

Hello, Scotch and Waterberg.

Well, you seen Maude lately?

No. You don't want to talk about it, right?

Right. I understand.

I knew when I introduced you to her, it'd never work out.

Thanks for not talking. about it, Arthur.

What are friends for?

Thanks, Bert.

So what have you been doing with yourself the last couple of weeks?

Having a ball.

Just last night I fell asleep in my chair watching an old Mae West movie.

It was a darn good movie, wasn't it?

You know what you need, Walter?

As a doctor, I know more than a little bit about this.

You could use a little female diversion.

Arthur, last week I took out a diversion who spent the entire evening talking

about the Jefferson airplane.

It took me three hours to find out she wasn't a stewardess.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

But we all need company.

Doctors, too.

Most people don't think that way about doctors, but we get biological, too, you

know.

apologize, Arthur.

This may come as something of a surprise to you, but I'm not quite the ladies'

man you think I am.

Yes, you are, Arthur.

But I'm not like you.

I don't have your power over women.

Smooth, glib, easy with the words.

Not surprising, of course. You're a Maytag dealer.

That's true. In great lovers of history, we Maytag dealers tied for second place

with Paul Newman.

Whirlpool was first.

Walter, as your friend, as a doctor, take it from me.

You could use a little female companionship.

Can you get us a couple of girls?

Help yourself.

What's that?

The Oxford English Dictionary of Broads. What do you think it was?

Walter, I couldn't. I couldn't.

Who's Barbara?

That's Henry with my free screen door open.

My two eggs over easy and my coffee black.

And incidentally, let's get a bar in here. I hate these rolling carts.

Water.

Are you trying to tell me something?

It's obvious, isn't it?

You win. We'll do it your way.

You mean you're moving in with me?

Well, there's not enough room for the two of us in my apartment.

Any objections?

No.

Great.

I'll have to get some big towels for the... Oh, Walter, this makes up for

Humphrey losing.

Oh, but honey, I mean, you should have called me. I mean, I don't know what to

say.

to do.

I mean, I should make room up in the closet. I mean, there's no room up in...

Maude, the first thing to do is relax.

If I relax, I faint.

Look, why don't I take this stuff upstairs and you get the rest of your

out of the car?

Well, that's all I brought. I'm leaving the rest of my clothes at the apartment.

At the apartment?

But, honey, if you're moving in here, why do you need your apartment?

Maude, this is your house.

Suppose we get into a Pier 6 brawl tonight and you throw me out. What do I

Check into the Y at four in the morning?

Walter, darling, this is your house as much as it is mine.

It's not my house. Yes, it is.

And I absolutely forbid you to keep that apartment while you're living in my

house, and that's that.

Okay.

Well, we've almost lived two and a half minutes together, which isn't bad.

in these days of casual relationships.

Let me have my suit. What are you doing?

I'm going home. What do you mean? Look, Liv, go to the suit. You're wrinkling

it. I'll press it. I'll press it. Look, I mean, you're not leaving because I

said you couldn't keep your apartment.

Yes, I am. And watch out for the lapels. It's a $200 suit.

Here's what I think of your suit, Walter.

If you hang on to that apartment, it's like having one foot in a bedroom

and the other one in a track shoe.

Well, isn't that...

If that's your attitude, you can take your $200 suit and get out of here.

It only costs $75. You think I'd bring a $200 suit into this house?

Walter, I don't understand you.

Well, I understand me.

I want us to make a commitment for the rest of our lives, and you don't. Are

crazy? Are you bananas?

Are you out of your mind? I want to be with you till you're 112.

Well, if that's what you want, it's called marriage.

Now, living together is just a convenience for two people who are

might not make it. That's not true.

Okay, let's ask the neighbors. No, wait, wait.

All right, all right, all right. Let's assume that you are right and we get

married. What assurance do we have that we won't split up later on? None!

I mean, all we know now is that we love each other and we'll try.

Maude, enough of this.

We're going out right now.

and find a justice of the peace and get married. Now, get your coat. No, no, no,

no, no. Marriage is a scrap of paper, Walter. Mort!

Coat!

Why,

Mort, are you crying?

Of course I am, you dum -dum.

I mean, the proposal is a very romantic moment. for a girl?

It certainly was some campaign we went through in 68. It

certainly was.

Hey, why don't we go upstairs and watch the rest of the returns on the set in

the bedroom?

That's very nice of you, Walter. This set's fine.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.