Original subtitles

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Zippity -doo -dah. None of your business. What do you mean, none of my

My, oh, my, what a wonderful day.

Plenty of sunshine.

Please, please, will you stop singing?

As soon as you stop yelling.

I'm getting tired of explaining you to the other maids in the neighborhood.

Florida, there may be maids working in the neighborhood, but you are a

housekeeper. Well, thank you, ma 'am.

But like the man said, a maid by any name gets paid the same.

And now if you all will excuse me, I'll go and empty the garbage. Look, Mother,

you have no reason to be this upset.

You are... You are going out with a 60 -year -old man, and I have no reason to

be upset.

If I didn't need this for the potatoes, I'd use it on my wrist.

Russell Asher is not 60 years old. He isn't any older than you are.

That's a terrible thing to say.

When Russell Asher was seducing his first maiden, I was still kicking

out of my crib.

Oh, God, will you stop exaggerating? I am not exaggerating.

Carol, let me put it this way.

Your father has been buried for 22 years. He is still six years younger

the Lasher.

He's going to be here any minute. I still have pin curls in my hair. Well,

his age, he won't even see them.

I can't even talk to you.

Carol, wait a minute.

Carol, if you saw nothing wrong in it... Then why have you been sneaking around

with Russell and not telling me? Because I knew you'd react exactly like you're

reacting. Totally irrational.

I am not irrational.

Carol, I am worried. I don't want to see you hurt.

Maude, please.

Bear me the concerned mother routine.

I know what's bothering you as well as you do.

You can't stand the idea of my dating a man that you used to date.

That is only part of the reason.

Oh, Florida, Florida, please talk to her. She's going out with an older man.

Correction, an old man.

Now, if she were your daughter, what would you say? You see nothing wrong

it. Would you, Florida?

Tell her, Florida.

Florida!

Passes.

Florida, would you mind straightening up my bathroom? I'm afraid I left it in a

real mess. Sure, honey. I'll get at it right away.

Now, Mother, forget about it. Look, Carol, we are not finished talking.

want you to give me one good reason for dating a 64 -year -old man.

Maud! One good reason. He's a world -famous writer.

He's charming. He's wealthy.

He's good -looking, and he treats me like a queen.

That's no reason.

And his only love is Russell Asher. Believe me, honey, he'll break your

How's he going to break my heart? What are you talking about? You are 27. He is

68.

Now, I think it's obscene, perverse, and disgusting.

If it's playing in the neighborhood, let's go see it.

Walter, listen to this.

Carol is going out with a 70 -year -old man.

He is not 70 years old, mother. You can age a man. faster than any woman I know.

I'll drink to that.

God will get you for that.

Oh, honey, listen. Carol, don't you realize that Russell Asher is using you?

He's going through his change of life.

What?

You heard me, Walter. Men have menopause, too. They just haven't had

press we women have had.

Honey, don't you know when a man goes through change of life, he has to rush

right out and prove that he's still young and virile?

I see. So I'm Russell's hormone shock?

I couldn't have put it better if I were Masters and Johnson.

Carol, who is this Civil War veteran anyway?

His name is Russell Asher, and if you'll excuse me, I don't want to keep him

waiting. We're taking a helicopter into town tonight so he can plug his new book

on The Tonight Show.

Maude, that's the author you dated before you met me. Well, well, well.

Now you see why she's on my back, Walter? Carol, I'm only trying to help

Russell Asher stings, Carol.

Like a bee.

A son of a bee.

Russell Asher. Let's see.

You went with him for about two months after you divorced Albert.

Uh -uh.

After you divorced Barney.

I buried Barney.

Well, that leaves... What's his name?

It began with a C.

Anyway, I was seeing him right before I met you.

That's right. He was writing his second book, Purgatory USA.

That's right. There were four altogether.

Purgatory USA, Health Highway...

Heaven's Ghetto, and Ashcan of the Western World.

All based on his childhood in Bangor, Maine.

Mother, that's him. You be nice now. I'll be nice. So help me, Walter, if he

comes in singing Thank Heaven for Little Girls.

Russell, let's get one thing straight. You and Carol are adults. What you do is

your own business. Except that I believe more in leprosy than I do in May and

December relationships.

Hello and welcome to my home.

Well, you haven't changed a bit. After all these years, I have to pinch myself

to believe it.

Don't pinch too hard, Russell.

At your age, blood clots very fast.

Same sense of humor, too. But you look... Absolutely beautiful.

Well, thank you, Russell. You look shorter.

Have you gotten shorter?

No, still six foot four. And still unable to believe an insult.

Walter, I'd like you to meet one of the great facelifts of our time.

Russell, my husband, Walter Finley.

Hello. Oh, uh, I've always wanted to meet a famous author.

Well, now you have.

Isn't he wonderful?

Russell, tell Walter how you cultivated that phony continental accent.

Oh, no, it's not phony anymore.

It's part of me now.

Isn't he wonderful?

I'd do anything to have you bronzed.

Or pickled.

To preserve me?

Oh, what a darling compliment.

And speaking of darlings...

Thank heaven for a little girl.

Carol, you look exquisite.

You put the rest of nature to shame. I think I'm losing my lunch.

Thank you, Russell. Excuse me while I say goodnight to Philip. By all means.

How about a drink, Russell? I've got some 12 -year -old stuff you might like.

Whatever, Walter.

No, I think his taste goes more to 27 -year -olds.

Although he might like 12 -year -old stuff, too.

Walter, talk to him about Carol.

Save her.

Save her.

Here's your drink, Russell.

Thank you.

Make yourself at home.

You know, that outfit, I like it.

It's different.

Oh, thank you, Walter.

I do believe clothes should express a point of view. For example, I'm wearing

this one for the Johnny Carson show. It says, male, dominating, but not

domineering.

Authoritated, yet understated. You see what I mean?

Magic. You could say all that with a lousy pair of pants and a jacket.

Well, it's all a question of attitude towards oneself.

And my attitude is... Self -worship.

You know, Russell, if you loved yourself anymore, you'd be a married couple.

Look, why don't we get right down to what's really on our minds? You and

Maud?

The time I'm serious.

Really serious.

You know, Russell, I have this problem. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Or kill.

Mother, I didn't ask for this to happen.

When I came back from Europe, I called you for old time's sake.

You and Walter were away for the weekend, and I talked to Carol.

I was asking her out before I knew it.

If he called in the daytime, he'd be going out with Florida now.

Walter, it was a pleasure.

Russell? As for you, Maud, I was absolutely overjoyed. Oh, that's where

was. You had it.

Russell, don't they take the Carson show early and then show it later on? Uh

-huh. Well, I'm sure you'd want to see yourself on television, so why don't we

expect you at 11 .30 and we'll all watch it together?

Mother, Russell's already made plans for us to watch it from his place in New

York. Look, why don't we take it as it comes?

If we can... Carol and I will see you at 11 .30. Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Walter, the man's no good.

He'll tear her to tatters. Oh, God, how I wish I smoked.

Oh, stop it. You're acting like Betty Davis on a bad day.

But what if they don't come back here at 11 .30? What if they watch the show

from his place? And what if they do?

Walter. In what room do you and I and every other couple in America watch the

Johnny Carter?

Florida,

we'll have our dinner now.

What?

Carol's a big girl. Now, come on.

What's really bugging you about this guy?

All right, Walter, I'll tell you.

I'm really troubled about Carol.

Russell Asher is a lady killer. He goes through women the way you go through

summer underwear. Believe me, I know.

In other words, he jilted you.

That's a very dated word, Walter. But still. He jilted me.

And if Carol's not careful, the same thing's going to happen to her.

He's only had a couple of dates with the guy. Maybe she'll never even get

serious about it.

Maybe you're right.

And maybe we'll find that out when she brings him back at 11 .30.

Miss Carroll ain't bringing nobody back at 11 .30, Miss Finley. Not tonight,

anyway. Well, how do you know?

Because I just tidied her bathroom in, that little devil.

She took her toothbrush with her.

Good morning. Good morning, honey.

You didn't come to bed last night, did you?

Nope.

Did Carol ever get home?

Yep.

Six minutes after four this morning.

Well, at least you didn't spend all night with him.

Walter, Rome was sacked in less than three hours.

Did you speak with her?

Did she use a toothbrush?

Walter, how could I ask her a question like that?

She told me to mind my own business.

Lord, can I have a couple of eggs instead of cereal? No, you had eggs

You know how high in cholesterol they are.

They're high in good taste, too, which is more than I can say for this goop.

Honey, I'd rather have you alive with a belly full of goop than dead with eggs

in your veins.

Hello?

Russell, this is the third time you've called this morning.

No, she isn't down yet.

Hold on just a minute.

I'll get it. Stay where you are. The longer he waits, the older he gets.

You knew I was going to be delivering flowers today, lady?

No, I knew something else.

Like what?

What are you, a delivery man or a relative?

Here, and thanks for your trouble.

Fifty cents.

Some thanks.

Wait a minute. You don't like it? Let me see it.

I like it.

I'll tell you what. Since you don't like it and I do, why don't I just keep it?

of his life, and he lived till he was 96.

Sure, but that was before they learned about cholesterol.

Hello, Russell?

No, she's not downstairs yet, and she hasn't picked up the extension.

All right, if you insist.

Walter, you know what's in here?

A single rose.

That's what Russell always does.

The morning after, he always sends a single perfect rose.

Wait a minute, Mort.

That's for Carol.

Well, it's not like I'm opening a mail.

I hate him.

No, I really hate him. Well, what did he do now?

He sent 24 perfect roses.

Listen, you're tying up the phone and I'm expecting a call from Lord knows

All right, I'll tell her. Goodbye.

Walter, I am going to put a stop to this now.

Now look, Maude, if you break this up, Carol's going to think you're an

overprotective, interfering mother. You want that?

It's a hazard of the trade, Walter.

I didn't interfere when she eloped with Pete and it ended in divorce.

I've never forgiven myself.

Then why didn't you interfere?

I was in Reno at the time, divorcing Albert.

Morning, everybody.

Morning.

Carol, I want to talk to you. Mother, I've got to get dressed. I don't want to

be late for work.

Carol, Russell sent you these flowers. Mother, I don't have time.

Carol!

Carol, I said Russell sent you flowers.

Oh, now look, honey.

I know you're going to tell me again to mind my own business.

But look at it this way.

God couldn't be everywhere.

That's why he invented mothers.

Honey, I know what Russell Asher does to women. You have to stop seeing him.

Okay.

Carol, don't do this to me. I have just made an impassioned plea. And I said

okay.

Something happened last night.

What did he do to you? Carol, I'll kill him. I'll kill him.

to his place last night. You watched the Carson show, right? A little. He didn't

get on until quarter to one. Yeah, and don't tell me that you watched Virginia

Graham and those two midgets from Austria for an hour and 15 minutes.

Look, he brought out champagne, didn't he? Yes.

Piper Heitzik, 1961?

Yes, I think so. And then he did ten minutes wrestling the cork between his

knees. Oh, mother. Yeah, the lights were dim, Carol, and it was very romantic.

No, it was not romantic. He called me Maude.

Oh, Walter, Carol and Russell are not seeing each other anymore.

He called her Maude.

Is that why you seem so pleased? He called her Maude?

Walter, I'm pleased that she's not seeing him anymore. It has nothing to do

that. It doesn't, huh?

This guy goofs in an intimate moment and calls her Maude. Now, I didn't say it

was an intimate moment, Walter.

They were plucking chickens at three in the morning.

Walter, you are jealous.

Don't be silly. You are jealous.

I've had it up to here with Russell Asher.

The poor soul.

He doesn't realize that he's only hungering for my daughter because of his

latent feelings for me.

I don't believe you.

Last night you were Betty Davis. This morning, Joan Crawford.

Walter, jealousy is not the answer.

It's a tragic situation for a man who's almost 50 years old.

It's tragic.

Well, I couldn't wait any longer. I had to see Carol.

Dear Russell.

I'm in that much trouble, huh?

Russell, please come in. I want to talk to you.

Would you like some coffee?

No, no, no, no. I'm in no mood for coffee. Juice?

Fresh juice?

Can I squeeze you an orange?

Mud, I want to see Carol.

Russell, we got your flowers.

And we love them.

But Russell... Carol no longer wishes to see you.

Maude, if you can arrange for me to have five minutes alone with your daughter,

everything will be fine. Listen to me, Russell. When I was a little girl, there

was a song. I forget where I heard it, but it's always stayed in my mind. It

went, "'Tis good to be merry and wise.

"'Tis good to be honest and true.

"'Tis well to be off with the old love.'" before you go on with the

news.

There's also the Star Spangled Banner if anyone feels like standing.

Look, Mom, I have to sign autographs in four different bookstores today. Will

you please tell Carol I'm here?

Mother, I'm leaving.

Oh, Carol, listen. About last night. I don't want to talk about last night.

But I do.

Look, Russell.

I don't want to see you again. That's all there is to it. I have to explain to

you why I called you Maude.

Remember when you said I was embarrassing on the Carson show? Oh, you

embarrassing, comparing yourself to Hemingway. Why not?

I am as good as Hemingway.

You know how many paperbacks I sold in the last four years? Six million, in 42

languages, including Swahili. And who cares? You've got an ego that flows like

Niagara Falls.

There, that's it.

That's just the kind of thing your mother would say, and you said it right

the middle of our fight.

That's why I called you Maude. Russell, I'm not angry at you because you called

me Maude. I just don't want to see you again. They were fighting when he called

her Maude.

They were fighting when he called

her Maude.

What did you say, Mother?

Nothing.

What did you think was going on when he called me Maude?

Nothing, Carol. I was just surprised that you were fighting. That's all.

Mother.

Did you think that Russell and I were... You actually thought Russell and I

were... When he called me Maude?

I just wanted you to understand that Carol criticized me last night in the

way you criticized me years ago, Maude, which is why we broke up. Broke up my

foot. You walked out on me.

He did what to you? Carol.

Quiet. Maude. Quiet. He walked out on me, Carol, and I wanted to keep him from

doing the same thing to you. But it wouldn't. How can you hold against me

something that happens years ago?

With your mother? Oh, I'm not. Russell, believe me, the only thing I'm holding

against you is that you're a conceited, pompous bore.

Carol, can I add something to that?

Boring, boring, boring bore.

I am boring.

Russell,

you've been rejected.

Now, I know it's a blow to your pride, but I don't want you to take it

personally.

On second thought, Russell, please.

Take it personally.

The worst nose job I've ever seen.

Good morning, honey.

Good morning, mother.

He was supposed to meet me at the lake in Central Park.

I sat in the rowboat thinking that Russell was going to bring me a ring.

I waited and I waited.

I waited.

Even the ducks went home.

Maud?

Maud, I want to apologize.

What for, Walter?

Well, I... I shouldn't have gotten mad before.

Mad. My little euphemism for jealous.

Oh, honey, don't worry about it. After all, he did call her Maud and...

You had every right to be a little jealous.

I'd better get to work.

Mother.

Walter thinks Russell called me Maude in a romantic moment. Why didn't you tell

him the truth?

I think every marriage should have a little mystery in it.

A woman's a two -faced...

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.