All language subtitles for Maude s01e04 Like Mother Like Daughter
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1
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The country was falling apart.
2
00:00:27,910 --> 00:00:30,390
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.
3
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And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude. And then
4
00:00:38,190 --> 00:00:41,890
there's Maude. And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.
5
00:00:42,350 --> 00:00:47,410
That'll compromise and enterprise and
anything but tranquilize. Right on,
6
00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:53,810
Zippity -doo -dah. None of your
business. What do you mean, none of my
7
00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:57,470
My, oh, my, what a wonderful day.
8
00:00:58,490 --> 00:00:59,870
Plenty of sunshine.
9
00:01:09,230 --> 00:01:11,130
Please, please, will you stop singing?
10
00:01:11,390 --> 00:01:13,030
As soon as you stop yelling.
11
00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:17,250
I'm getting tired of explaining you to
the other maids in the neighborhood.
12
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Florida, there may be maids working in
the neighborhood, but you are a
13
00:01:23,330 --> 00:01:25,550
housekeeper. Well, thank you, ma 'am.
14
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But like the man said, a maid by any
name gets paid the same.
15
00:01:32,110 --> 00:01:35,730
And now if you all will excuse me, I'll
go and empty the garbage. Look, Mother,
16
00:01:35,830 --> 00:01:37,630
you have no reason to be this upset.
17
00:01:38,270 --> 00:01:42,370
You are... You are going out with a 60
-year -old man, and I have no reason to
18
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,229
be upset.
19
00:01:43,230 --> 00:01:45,910
If I didn't need this for the potatoes,
I'd use it on my wrist.
20
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:50,790
Russell Asher is not 60 years old. He
isn't any older than you are.
21
00:01:51,650 --> 00:01:53,950
That's a terrible thing to say.
22
00:01:56,910 --> 00:02:01,090
When Russell Asher was seducing his
first maiden, I was still kicking
23
00:02:01,090 --> 00:02:02,090
out of my crib.
24
00:02:02,650 --> 00:02:06,650
Oh, God, will you stop exaggerating? I
am not exaggerating.
25
00:02:07,310 --> 00:02:08,550
Carol, let me put it this way.
26
00:02:09,030 --> 00:02:13,930
Your father has been buried for 22
years. He is still six years younger
27
00:02:13,930 --> 00:02:14,930
the Lasher.
28
00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:19,710
He's going to be here any minute. I
still have pin curls in my hair. Well,
29
00:02:19,710 --> 00:02:21,070
his age, he won't even see them.
30
00:02:22,190 --> 00:02:23,730
I can't even talk to you.
31
00:02:23,970 --> 00:02:25,250
Carol, wait a minute.
32
00:02:25,550 --> 00:02:30,480
Carol, if you saw nothing wrong in it...
Then why have you been sneaking around
33
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:34,480
with Russell and not telling me? Because
I knew you'd react exactly like you're
34
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,000
reacting. Totally irrational.
35
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:37,740
I am not irrational.
36
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,660
Carol, I am worried. I don't want to see
you hurt.
37
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:43,240
Maude, please.
38
00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:45,740
Bear me the concerned mother routine.
39
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,480
I know what's bothering you as well as
you do.
40
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:53,000
You can't stand the idea of my dating a
man that you used to date.
41
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:00,600
That is only part of the reason.
42
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:07,540
Oh, Florida, Florida, please talk to
her. She's going out with an older man.
43
00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:09,120
Correction, an old man.
44
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,600
Now, if she were your daughter, what
would you say? You see nothing wrong
45
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:12,459
it. Would you, Florida?
46
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,460
Tell her, Florida.
47
00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:16,240
Florida!
48
00:03:17,860 --> 00:03:18,860
Passes.
49
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,580
Florida, would you mind straightening up
my bathroom? I'm afraid I left it in a
50
00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,180
real mess. Sure, honey. I'll get at it
right away.
51
00:03:28,460 --> 00:03:33,200
Now, Mother, forget about it. Look,
Carol, we are not finished talking.
52
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:37,220
want you to give me one good reason for
dating a 64 -year -old man.
53
00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:40,700
Maud! One good reason. He's a world
-famous writer.
54
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,780
He's charming. He's wealthy.
55
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,500
He's good -looking, and he treats me
like a queen.
56
00:03:45,820 --> 00:03:46,820
That's no reason.
57
00:03:51,210 --> 00:03:55,850
And his only love is Russell Asher.
Believe me, honey, he'll break your
58
00:03:56,090 --> 00:04:00,430
How's he going to break my heart? What
are you talking about? You are 27. He is
59
00:04:00,430 --> 00:04:01,430
68.
60
00:04:01,710 --> 00:04:05,310
Now, I think it's obscene, perverse, and
disgusting.
61
00:04:05,930 --> 00:04:08,010
If it's playing in the neighborhood,
let's go see it.
62
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,450
Walter, listen to this.
63
00:04:12,310 --> 00:04:15,790
Carol is going out with a 70 -year -old
man.
64
00:04:17,829 --> 00:04:22,300
He is not 70 years old, mother. You can
age a man. faster than any woman I know.
65
00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:23,700
I'll drink to that.
66
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,020
God will get you for that.
67
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:36,320
Oh, honey, listen. Carol, don't you
realize that Russell Asher is using you?
68
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,580
He's going through his change of life.
69
00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:42,520
What?
70
00:04:43,620 --> 00:04:47,960
You heard me, Walter. Men have
menopause, too. They just haven't had
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00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,120
press we women have had.
72
00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:54,760
Honey, don't you know when a man goes
through change of life, he has to rush
73
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,340
right out and prove that he's still
young and virile?
74
00:04:57,740 --> 00:05:00,300
I see. So I'm Russell's hormone shock?
75
00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:04,500
I couldn't have put it better if I were
Masters and Johnson.
76
00:05:06,260 --> 00:05:08,440
Carol, who is this Civil War veteran
anyway?
77
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:12,380
His name is Russell Asher, and if you'll
excuse me, I don't want to keep him
78
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:16,180
waiting. We're taking a helicopter into
town tonight so he can plug his new book
79
00:05:16,180 --> 00:05:17,180
on The Tonight Show.
80
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:21,120
Maude, that's the author you dated
before you met me. Well, well, well.
81
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:25,920
Now you see why she's on my back,
Walter? Carol, I'm only trying to help
82
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,300
Russell Asher stings, Carol.
83
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,520
Like a bee.
84
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,340
A son of a bee.
85
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,260
Russell Asher. Let's see.
86
00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:41,660
You went with him for about two months
after you divorced Albert.
87
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:42,920
Uh -uh.
88
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,520
After you divorced Barney.
89
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,140
I buried Barney.
90
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,640
Well, that leaves... What's his name?
91
00:05:50,380 --> 00:05:51,860
It began with a C.
92
00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,000
Anyway, I was seeing him right before I
met you.
93
00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,940
That's right. He was writing his second
book, Purgatory USA.
94
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,300
That's right. There were four
altogether.
95
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:08,060
Purgatory USA, Health Highway...
96
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,460
Heaven's Ghetto, and Ashcan of the
Western World.
97
00:06:12,380 --> 00:06:15,380
All based on his childhood in Bangor,
Maine.
98
00:06:17,940 --> 00:06:23,120
Mother, that's him. You be nice now.
I'll be nice. So help me, Walter, if he
99
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,600
comes in singing Thank Heaven for Little
Girls.
100
00:06:30,380 --> 00:06:33,760
Russell, let's get one thing straight.
You and Carol are adults. What you do is
101
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,940
your own business. Except that I believe
more in leprosy than I do in May and
102
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:38,940
December relationships.
103
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,060
Hello and welcome to my home.
104
00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:46,160
Well, you haven't changed a bit. After
all these years, I have to pinch myself
105
00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:47,160
to believe it.
106
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,900
Don't pinch too hard, Russell.
107
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,760
At your age, blood clots very fast.
108
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:57,560
Same sense of humor, too. But you
look... Absolutely beautiful.
109
00:06:57,860 --> 00:07:00,060
Well, thank you, Russell. You look
shorter.
110
00:07:03,140 --> 00:07:04,420
Have you gotten shorter?
111
00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:08,240
No, still six foot four. And still
unable to believe an insult.
112
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:13,460
Walter, I'd like you to meet one of the
great facelifts of our time.
113
00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:16,920
Russell, my husband, Walter Finley.
114
00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:21,080
Hello. Oh, uh, I've always wanted to
meet a famous author.
115
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,880
Well, now you have.
116
00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:24,820
Isn't he wonderful?
117
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:29,520
Russell, tell Walter how you cultivated
that phony continental accent.
118
00:07:29,980 --> 00:07:31,600
Oh, no, it's not phony anymore.
119
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,560
It's part of me now.
120
00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:36,360
Isn't he wonderful?
121
00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:39,560
I'd do anything to have you bronzed.
122
00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:42,860
Or pickled.
123
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,560
To preserve me?
124
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,100
Oh, what a darling compliment.
125
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,500
And speaking of darlings...
126
00:07:53,159 --> 00:07:55,660
Thank heaven for a little girl.
127
00:07:57,340 --> 00:07:59,060
Carol, you look exquisite.
128
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,140
You put the rest of nature to shame. I
think I'm losing my lunch.
129
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:08,040
Thank you, Russell. Excuse me while I
say goodnight to Philip. By all means.
130
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:11,860
How about a drink, Russell? I've got
some 12 -year -old stuff you might like.
131
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,320
Whatever, Walter.
132
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,580
No, I think his taste goes more to 27
-year -olds.
133
00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:21,420
Although he might like 12 -year -old
stuff, too.
134
00:08:25,850 --> 00:08:28,150
Walter, talk to him about Carol.
135
00:08:28,770 --> 00:08:29,770
Save her.
136
00:08:30,150 --> 00:08:31,150
Save her.
137
00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:32,669
Here's your drink, Russell.
138
00:08:33,230 --> 00:08:34,189
Thank you.
139
00:08:34,190 --> 00:08:35,230
Make yourself at home.
140
00:08:36,789 --> 00:08:40,230
You know, that outfit, I like it.
141
00:08:41,049 --> 00:08:42,049
It's different.
142
00:08:42,409 --> 00:08:43,650
Oh, thank you, Walter.
143
00:08:44,210 --> 00:08:48,570
I do believe clothes should express a
point of view. For example, I'm wearing
144
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:53,890
this one for the Johnny Carson show. It
says, male, dominating, but not
145
00:08:53,890 --> 00:08:54,890
domineering.
146
00:08:56,099 --> 00:08:58,300
Authoritated, yet understated. You see
what I mean?
147
00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:03,180
Magic. You could say all that with a
lousy pair of pants and a jacket.
148
00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:07,620
Well, it's all a question of attitude
towards oneself.
149
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,840
And my attitude is... Self -worship.
150
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,780
You know, Russell, if you loved yourself
anymore, you'd be a married couple.
151
00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:21,780
Look, why don't we get right down to
what's really on our minds? You and
152
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,000
Maud?
153
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:27,320
The time I'm serious.
154
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,200
Really serious.
155
00:09:30,020 --> 00:09:33,820
You know, Russell, I have this problem.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
156
00:09:34,380 --> 00:09:35,380
Or kill.
157
00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:39,300
Mother, I didn't ask for this to happen.
158
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,360
When I came back from Europe, I called
you for old time's sake.
159
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,520
You and Walter were away for the
weekend, and I talked to Carol.
160
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,300
I was asking her out before I knew it.
161
00:09:48,860 --> 00:09:51,420
If he called in the daytime, he'd be
going out with Florida now.
162
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,400
Walter, it was a pleasure.
163
00:09:57,620 --> 00:10:04,180
Russell? As for you, Maud, I was
absolutely overjoyed. Oh, that's where
164
00:10:04,180 --> 00:10:05,520
was. You had it.
165
00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:11,780
Russell, don't they take the Carson show
early and then show it later on? Uh
166
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:15,160
-huh. Well, I'm sure you'd want to see
yourself on television, so why don't we
167
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,460
expect you at 11 .30 and we'll all watch
it together?
168
00:10:17,820 --> 00:10:21,440
Mother, Russell's already made plans for
us to watch it from his place in New
169
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,580
York. Look, why don't we take it as it
comes?
170
00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:27,430
If we can... Carol and I will see you at
11 .30. Good night.
171
00:10:27,690 --> 00:10:28,690
Good night.
172
00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:29,710
Good night.
173
00:10:30,750 --> 00:10:32,670
Walter, the man's no good.
174
00:10:32,970 --> 00:10:36,190
He'll tear her to tatters. Oh, God, how
I wish I smoked.
175
00:10:38,510 --> 00:10:42,790
Oh, stop it. You're acting like Betty
Davis on a bad day.
176
00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:48,690
But what if they don't come back here at
11 .30? What if they watch the show
177
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,430
from his place? And what if they do?
178
00:10:51,030 --> 00:10:56,510
Walter. In what room do you and I and
every other couple in America watch the
179
00:10:56,510 --> 00:10:57,510
Johnny Carter?
180
00:10:59,130 --> 00:11:00,130
Florida,
181
00:11:05,530 --> 00:11:07,590
we'll have our dinner now.
182
00:11:07,810 --> 00:11:08,810
What?
183
00:11:09,390 --> 00:11:11,650
Carol's a big girl. Now, come on.
184
00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:15,290
What's really bugging you about this
guy?
185
00:11:16,670 --> 00:11:18,170
All right, Walter, I'll tell you.
186
00:11:19,310 --> 00:11:21,230
I'm really troubled about Carol.
187
00:11:22,209 --> 00:11:26,450
Russell Asher is a lady killer. He goes
through women the way you go through
188
00:11:26,450 --> 00:11:28,250
summer underwear. Believe me, I know.
189
00:11:28,950 --> 00:11:30,610
In other words, he jilted you.
190
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:34,830
That's a very dated word, Walter. But
still. He jilted me.
191
00:11:36,050 --> 00:11:39,870
And if Carol's not careful, the same
thing's going to happen to her.
192
00:11:40,230 --> 00:11:43,670
He's only had a couple of dates with the
guy. Maybe she'll never even get
193
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:44,670
serious about it.
194
00:11:45,590 --> 00:11:46,590
Maybe you're right.
195
00:11:46,890 --> 00:11:49,990
And maybe we'll find that out when she
brings him back at 11 .30.
196
00:11:50,230 --> 00:11:53,930
Miss Carroll ain't bringing nobody back
at 11 .30, Miss Finley. Not tonight,
197
00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:55,890
anyway. Well, how do you know?
198
00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:59,170
Because I just tidied her bathroom in,
that little devil.
199
00:12:01,070 --> 00:12:02,910
She took her toothbrush with her.
200
00:12:20,650 --> 00:12:21,850
Good morning. Good morning, honey.
201
00:12:25,910 --> 00:12:27,850
You didn't come to bed last night, did
you?
202
00:12:28,250 --> 00:12:29,250
Nope.
203
00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:34,450
Did Carol ever get home?
204
00:12:34,810 --> 00:12:35,810
Yep.
205
00:12:36,290 --> 00:12:38,510
Six minutes after four this morning.
206
00:12:39,010 --> 00:12:41,030
Well, at least you didn't spend all
night with him.
207
00:12:43,590 --> 00:12:46,590
Walter, Rome was sacked in less than
three hours.
208
00:12:51,390 --> 00:12:52,390
Did you speak with her?
209
00:12:54,010 --> 00:12:55,050
Did she use a toothbrush?
210
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,970
Walter, how could I ask her a question
like that?
211
00:13:06,090 --> 00:13:07,710
She told me to mind my own business.
212
00:13:12,310 --> 00:13:15,570
Lord, can I have a couple of eggs
instead of cereal? No, you had eggs
213
00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:17,490
You know how high in cholesterol they
are.
214
00:13:17,870 --> 00:13:21,150
They're high in good taste, too, which
is more than I can say for this goop.
215
00:13:22,230 --> 00:13:25,950
Honey, I'd rather have you alive with a
belly full of goop than dead with eggs
216
00:13:25,950 --> 00:13:26,950
in your veins.
217
00:13:33,450 --> 00:13:34,450
Hello?
218
00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:37,630
Russell, this is the third time you've
called this morning.
219
00:13:37,990 --> 00:13:39,470
No, she isn't down yet.
220
00:13:39,890 --> 00:13:41,070
Hold on just a minute.
221
00:13:41,310 --> 00:13:44,950
I'll get it. Stay where you are. The
longer he waits, the older he gets.
222
00:14:02,670 --> 00:14:05,430
You knew I was going to be delivering
flowers today, lady?
223
00:14:05,630 --> 00:14:06,770
No, I knew something else.
224
00:14:06,990 --> 00:14:07,869
Like what?
225
00:14:07,870 --> 00:14:09,850
What are you, a delivery man or a
relative?
226
00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:14,330
Here, and thanks for your trouble.
227
00:14:14,630 --> 00:14:15,630
Fifty cents.
228
00:14:15,670 --> 00:14:16,670
Some thanks.
229
00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,530
Wait a minute. You don't like it? Let me
see it.
230
00:14:19,610 --> 00:14:20,610
I like it.
231
00:14:21,810 --> 00:14:25,150
I'll tell you what. Since you don't like
it and I do, why don't I just keep it?
232
00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:49,440
of his life, and he lived till he was
96.
233
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,860
Sure, but that was before they learned
about cholesterol.
234
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:58,100
Hello, Russell?
235
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,100
No, she's not downstairs yet, and she
hasn't picked up the extension.
236
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,100
All right, if you insist.
237
00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:10,640
Walter, you know what's in here?
238
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,680
A single rose.
239
00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:16,880
That's what Russell always does.
240
00:15:17,770 --> 00:15:23,730
The morning after, he always sends a
single perfect rose.
241
00:15:25,370 --> 00:15:26,390
Wait a minute, Mort.
242
00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:27,650
That's for Carol.
243
00:15:27,830 --> 00:15:29,610
Well, it's not like I'm opening a mail.
244
00:15:31,590 --> 00:15:32,650
I hate him.
245
00:15:33,870 --> 00:15:37,270
No, I really hate him. Well, what did he
do now?
246
00:15:37,490 --> 00:15:39,910
He sent 24 perfect roses.
247
00:15:45,740 --> 00:15:49,140
Listen, you're tying up the phone and
I'm expecting a call from Lord knows
248
00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,620
All right, I'll tell her. Goodbye.
249
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:58,860
Walter, I am going to put a stop to this
now.
250
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,720
Now look, Maude, if you break this up,
Carol's going to think you're an
251
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,380
overprotective, interfering mother. You
want that?
252
00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:07,040
It's a hazard of the trade, Walter.
253
00:16:07,620 --> 00:16:11,380
I didn't interfere when she eloped with
Pete and it ended in divorce.
254
00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:12,760
I've never forgiven myself.
255
00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:14,060
Then why didn't you interfere?
256
00:16:14,510 --> 00:16:16,570
I was in Reno at the time, divorcing
Albert.
257
00:16:22,410 --> 00:16:23,389
Morning, everybody.
258
00:16:23,390 --> 00:16:24,390
Morning.
259
00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:27,830
Carol, I want to talk to you. Mother,
I've got to get dressed. I don't want to
260
00:16:27,830 --> 00:16:28,709
be late for work.
261
00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:31,530
Carol, Russell sent you these flowers.
Mother, I don't have time.
262
00:16:31,730 --> 00:16:32,730
Carol!
263
00:16:34,350 --> 00:16:36,330
Carol, I said Russell sent you flowers.
264
00:16:37,710 --> 00:16:38,710
Oh, now look, honey.
265
00:16:40,150 --> 00:16:43,130
I know you're going to tell me again to
mind my own business.
266
00:16:43,740 --> 00:16:44,980
But look at it this way.
267
00:16:45,980 --> 00:16:47,360
God couldn't be everywhere.
268
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,740
That's why he invented mothers.
269
00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:58,460
Honey, I know what Russell Asher does to
women. You have to stop seeing him.
270
00:16:58,660 --> 00:16:59,660
Okay.
271
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:05,700
Carol, don't do this to me. I have just
made an impassioned plea. And I said
272
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:06,700
okay.
273
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,020
Something happened last night.
274
00:17:09,339 --> 00:17:11,980
What did he do to you? Carol, I'll kill
him. I'll kill him.
275
00:17:13,069 --> 00:17:15,790
to his place last night. You watched the
Carson show, right? A little. He didn't
276
00:17:15,790 --> 00:17:18,790
get on until quarter to one. Yeah, and
don't tell me that you watched Virginia
277
00:17:18,790 --> 00:17:21,930
Graham and those two midgets from
Austria for an hour and 15 minutes.
278
00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:25,510
Look, he brought out champagne, didn't
he? Yes.
279
00:17:25,770 --> 00:17:27,010
Piper Heitzik, 1961?
280
00:17:27,490 --> 00:17:31,110
Yes, I think so. And then he did ten
minutes wrestling the cork between his
281
00:17:31,110 --> 00:17:34,870
knees. Oh, mother. Yeah, the lights were
dim, Carol, and it was very romantic.
282
00:17:34,890 --> 00:17:37,450
No, it was not romantic. He called me
Maude.
283
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:14,470
Oh, Walter, Carol and Russell are not
seeing each other anymore.
284
00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:17,790
He called her Maude.
285
00:18:20,070 --> 00:18:23,470
Is that why you seem so pleased? He
called her Maude?
286
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:28,190
Walter, I'm pleased that she's not
seeing him anymore. It has nothing to do
287
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,610
that. It doesn't, huh?
288
00:18:30,070 --> 00:18:34,950
This guy goofs in an intimate moment and
calls her Maude. Now, I didn't say it
289
00:18:34,950 --> 00:18:36,350
was an intimate moment, Walter.
290
00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:40,620
They were plucking chickens at three in
the morning.
291
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,660
Walter, you are jealous.
292
00:18:45,020 --> 00:18:47,000
Don't be silly. You are jealous.
293
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,760
I've had it up to here with Russell
Asher.
294
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,800
The poor soul.
295
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:57,240
He doesn't realize that he's only
hungering for my daughter because of his
296
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:58,700
latent feelings for me.
297
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:06,080
I don't believe you.
298
00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:12,280
Last night you were Betty Davis. This
morning, Joan Crawford.
299
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,420
Walter, jealousy is not the answer.
300
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,580
It's a tragic situation for a man who's
almost 50 years old.
301
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,280
It's tragic.
302
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,800
Well, I couldn't wait any longer. I had
to see Carol.
303
00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:40,880
Dear Russell.
304
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,840
I'm in that much trouble, huh?
305
00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:46,020
Russell, please come in. I want to talk
to you.
306
00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:48,120
Would you like some coffee?
307
00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,800
No, no, no, no. I'm in no mood for
coffee. Juice?
308
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:53,100
Fresh juice?
309
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,400
Can I squeeze you an orange?
310
00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:00,040
Mud, I want to see Carol.
311
00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:03,880
Russell, we got your flowers.
312
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,660
And we love them.
313
00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:09,640
But Russell... Carol no longer wishes to
see you.
314
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:14,500
Maude, if you can arrange for me to have
five minutes alone with your daughter,
315
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:19,260
everything will be fine. Listen to me,
Russell. When I was a little girl, there
316
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:23,760
was a song. I forget where I heard it,
but it's always stayed in my mind. It
317
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,160
went, "'Tis good to be merry and wise.
318
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,600
"'Tis good to be honest and true.
319
00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:38,780
"'Tis well to be off with the old
love.'" before you go on with the
320
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:39,780
news.
321
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:45,520
There's also the Star Spangled Banner if
anyone feels like standing.
322
00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:52,240
Look, Mom, I have to sign autographs in
four different bookstores today. Will
323
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,300
you please tell Carol I'm here?
324
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:55,620
Mother, I'm leaving.
325
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:59,160
Oh, Carol, listen. About last night. I
don't want to talk about last night.
326
00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:00,380
But I do.
327
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:01,480
Look, Russell.
328
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,420
I don't want to see you again. That's
all there is to it. I have to explain to
329
00:21:05,420 --> 00:21:07,060
you why I called you Maude.
330
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,520
Remember when you said I was
embarrassing on the Carson show? Oh, you
331
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,580
embarrassing, comparing yourself to
Hemingway. Why not?
332
00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:15,460
I am as good as Hemingway.
333
00:21:15,820 --> 00:21:20,400
You know how many paperbacks I sold in
the last four years? Six million, in 42
334
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:24,880
languages, including Swahili. And who
cares? You've got an ego that flows like
335
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:25,880
Niagara Falls.
336
00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:27,020
There, that's it.
337
00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,760
That's just the kind of thing your
mother would say, and you said it right
338
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:31,780
the middle of our fight.
339
00:21:32,380 --> 00:21:35,480
That's why I called you Maude. Russell,
I'm not angry at you because you called
340
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,960
me Maude. I just don't want to see you
again. They were fighting when he called
341
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:39,960
her Maude.
342
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:48,900
They were fighting when he called
343
00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:49,940
her Maude.
344
00:21:51,540 --> 00:21:52,540
What did you say, Mother?
345
00:21:52,940 --> 00:21:53,940
Nothing.
346
00:21:58,510 --> 00:22:01,070
What did you think was going on when he
called me Maude?
347
00:22:02,890 --> 00:22:07,050
Nothing, Carol. I was just surprised
that you were fighting. That's all.
348
00:22:08,770 --> 00:22:09,770
Mother.
349
00:22:12,770 --> 00:22:18,710
Did you think that Russell and I were...
You actually thought Russell and I
350
00:22:18,710 --> 00:22:20,870
were... When he called me Maude?
351
00:22:35,950 --> 00:22:40,090
I just wanted you to understand that
Carol criticized me last night in the
352
00:22:40,090 --> 00:22:45,390
way you criticized me years ago, Maude,
which is why we broke up. Broke up my
353
00:22:45,390 --> 00:22:46,910
foot. You walked out on me.
354
00:22:47,130 --> 00:22:48,550
He did what to you? Carol.
355
00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:53,930
Quiet. Maude. Quiet. He walked out on
me, Carol, and I wanted to keep him from
356
00:22:53,930 --> 00:22:57,370
doing the same thing to you. But it
wouldn't. How can you hold against me
357
00:22:57,370 --> 00:22:58,990
something that happens years ago?
358
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,460
With your mother? Oh, I'm not. Russell,
believe me, the only thing I'm holding
359
00:23:02,460 --> 00:23:04,620
against you is that you're a conceited,
pompous bore.
360
00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:06,780
Carol, can I add something to that?
361
00:23:08,140 --> 00:23:12,040
Boring, boring, boring bore.
362
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:14,680
I am boring.
363
00:23:16,300 --> 00:23:17,300
Russell,
364
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,120
you've been rejected.
365
00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,500
Now, I know it's a blow to your pride,
but I don't want you to take it
366
00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:25,500
personally.
367
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,200
On second thought, Russell, please.
368
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,000
Take it personally.
369
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,760
The worst nose job I've ever seen.
370
00:23:39,140 --> 00:23:40,260
Good morning, honey.
371
00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:42,220
Good morning, mother.
372
00:23:44,460 --> 00:23:48,080
He was supposed to meet me at the lake
in Central Park.
373
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:53,000
I sat in the rowboat thinking that
Russell was going to bring me a ring.
374
00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,620
I waited and I waited.
375
00:23:57,580 --> 00:23:58,580
I waited.
376
00:23:59,180 --> 00:24:00,900
Even the ducks went home.
377
00:24:03,340 --> 00:24:04,340
Maud?
378
00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,560
Maud, I want to apologize.
379
00:24:11,580 --> 00:24:12,820
What for, Walter?
380
00:24:13,180 --> 00:24:16,180
Well, I... I shouldn't have gotten mad
before.
381
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,980
Mad. My little euphemism for jealous.
382
00:24:20,300 --> 00:24:24,780
Oh, honey, don't worry about it. After
all, he did call her Maud and...
383
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,200
You had every right to be a little
jealous.
384
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:32,340
I'd better get to work.
385
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,040
Mother.
386
00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:40,320
Walter thinks Russell called me Maude in
a romantic moment. Why didn't you tell
387
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:41,320
him the truth?
388
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,960
I think every marriage should have a
little mystery in it.
389
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,780
A woman's a two -faced...
390
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,020
Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.
30253
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