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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,629 --> 00:00:27,690 The country was falling apart. 2 00:00:27,910 --> 00:00:30,390 Betsy Ross got it all sewed up. 3 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:38,190 And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then 4 00:00:38,190 --> 00:00:41,890 there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. 5 00:00:42,350 --> 00:00:47,410 That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on, 6 00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:53,810 Zippity -doo -dah. None of your business. What do you mean, none of my 7 00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:57,470 My, oh, my, what a wonderful day. 8 00:00:58,490 --> 00:00:59,870 Plenty of sunshine. 9 00:01:09,230 --> 00:01:11,130 Please, please, will you stop singing? 10 00:01:11,390 --> 00:01:13,030 As soon as you stop yelling. 11 00:01:13,950 --> 00:01:17,250 I'm getting tired of explaining you to the other maids in the neighborhood. 12 00:01:19,850 --> 00:01:23,330 Florida, there may be maids working in the neighborhood, but you are a 13 00:01:23,330 --> 00:01:25,550 housekeeper. Well, thank you, ma 'am. 14 00:01:25,750 --> 00:01:30,150 But like the man said, a maid by any name gets paid the same. 15 00:01:32,110 --> 00:01:35,730 And now if you all will excuse me, I'll go and empty the garbage. Look, Mother, 16 00:01:35,830 --> 00:01:37,630 you have no reason to be this upset. 17 00:01:38,270 --> 00:01:42,370 You are... You are going out with a 60 -year -old man, and I have no reason to 18 00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,229 be upset. 19 00:01:43,230 --> 00:01:45,910 If I didn't need this for the potatoes, I'd use it on my wrist. 20 00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:50,790 Russell Asher is not 60 years old. He isn't any older than you are. 21 00:01:51,650 --> 00:01:53,950 That's a terrible thing to say. 22 00:01:56,910 --> 00:02:01,090 When Russell Asher was seducing his first maiden, I was still kicking 23 00:02:01,090 --> 00:02:02,090 out of my crib. 24 00:02:02,650 --> 00:02:06,650 Oh, God, will you stop exaggerating? I am not exaggerating. 25 00:02:07,310 --> 00:02:08,550 Carol, let me put it this way. 26 00:02:09,030 --> 00:02:13,930 Your father has been buried for 22 years. He is still six years younger 27 00:02:13,930 --> 00:02:14,930 the Lasher. 28 00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:19,710 He's going to be here any minute. I still have pin curls in my hair. Well, 29 00:02:19,710 --> 00:02:21,070 his age, he won't even see them. 30 00:02:22,190 --> 00:02:23,730 I can't even talk to you. 31 00:02:23,970 --> 00:02:25,250 Carol, wait a minute. 32 00:02:25,550 --> 00:02:30,480 Carol, if you saw nothing wrong in it... Then why have you been sneaking around 33 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:34,480 with Russell and not telling me? Because I knew you'd react exactly like you're 34 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:36,000 reacting. Totally irrational. 35 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:37,740 I am not irrational. 36 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,660 Carol, I am worried. I don't want to see you hurt. 37 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:43,240 Maude, please. 38 00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:45,740 Bear me the concerned mother routine. 39 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,480 I know what's bothering you as well as you do. 40 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:53,000 You can't stand the idea of my dating a man that you used to date. 41 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:00,600 That is only part of the reason. 42 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:07,540 Oh, Florida, Florida, please talk to her. She's going out with an older man. 43 00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:09,120 Correction, an old man. 44 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,600 Now, if she were your daughter, what would you say? You see nothing wrong 45 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:12,459 it. Would you, Florida? 46 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,460 Tell her, Florida. 47 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:16,240 Florida! 48 00:03:17,860 --> 00:03:18,860 Passes. 49 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,580 Florida, would you mind straightening up my bathroom? I'm afraid I left it in a 50 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,180 real mess. Sure, honey. I'll get at it right away. 51 00:03:28,460 --> 00:03:33,200 Now, Mother, forget about it. Look, Carol, we are not finished talking. 52 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:37,220 want you to give me one good reason for dating a 64 -year -old man. 53 00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:40,700 Maud! One good reason. He's a world -famous writer. 54 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,780 He's charming. He's wealthy. 55 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,500 He's good -looking, and he treats me like a queen. 56 00:03:45,820 --> 00:03:46,820 That's no reason. 57 00:03:51,210 --> 00:03:55,850 And his only love is Russell Asher. Believe me, honey, he'll break your 58 00:03:56,090 --> 00:04:00,430 How's he going to break my heart? What are you talking about? You are 27. He is 59 00:04:00,430 --> 00:04:01,430 68. 60 00:04:01,710 --> 00:04:05,310 Now, I think it's obscene, perverse, and disgusting. 61 00:04:05,930 --> 00:04:08,010 If it's playing in the neighborhood, let's go see it. 62 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,450 Walter, listen to this. 63 00:04:12,310 --> 00:04:15,790 Carol is going out with a 70 -year -old man. 64 00:04:17,829 --> 00:04:22,300 He is not 70 years old, mother. You can age a man. faster than any woman I know. 65 00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:23,700 I'll drink to that. 66 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,020 God will get you for that. 67 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:36,320 Oh, honey, listen. Carol, don't you realize that Russell Asher is using you? 68 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,580 He's going through his change of life. 69 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:42,520 What? 70 00:04:43,620 --> 00:04:47,960 You heard me, Walter. Men have menopause, too. They just haven't had 71 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,120 press we women have had. 72 00:04:51,660 --> 00:04:54,760 Honey, don't you know when a man goes through change of life, he has to rush 73 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,340 right out and prove that he's still young and virile? 74 00:04:57,740 --> 00:05:00,300 I see. So I'm Russell's hormone shock? 75 00:05:01,460 --> 00:05:04,500 I couldn't have put it better if I were Masters and Johnson. 76 00:05:06,260 --> 00:05:08,440 Carol, who is this Civil War veteran anyway? 77 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:12,380 His name is Russell Asher, and if you'll excuse me, I don't want to keep him 78 00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:16,180 waiting. We're taking a helicopter into town tonight so he can plug his new book 79 00:05:16,180 --> 00:05:17,180 on The Tonight Show. 80 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:21,120 Maude, that's the author you dated before you met me. Well, well, well. 81 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:25,920 Now you see why she's on my back, Walter? Carol, I'm only trying to help 82 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,300 Russell Asher stings, Carol. 83 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:29,520 Like a bee. 84 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,340 A son of a bee. 85 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,260 Russell Asher. Let's see. 86 00:05:38,860 --> 00:05:41,660 You went with him for about two months after you divorced Albert. 87 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:42,920 Uh -uh. 88 00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,520 After you divorced Barney. 89 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,140 I buried Barney. 90 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,640 Well, that leaves... What's his name? 91 00:05:50,380 --> 00:05:51,860 It began with a C. 92 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,000 Anyway, I was seeing him right before I met you. 93 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,940 That's right. He was writing his second book, Purgatory USA. 94 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,300 That's right. There were four altogether. 95 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:08,060 Purgatory USA, Health Highway... 96 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,460 Heaven's Ghetto, and Ashcan of the Western World. 97 00:06:12,380 --> 00:06:15,380 All based on his childhood in Bangor, Maine. 98 00:06:17,940 --> 00:06:23,120 Mother, that's him. You be nice now. I'll be nice. So help me, Walter, if he 99 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,600 comes in singing Thank Heaven for Little Girls. 100 00:06:30,380 --> 00:06:33,760 Russell, let's get one thing straight. You and Carol are adults. What you do is 101 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:37,940 your own business. Except that I believe more in leprosy than I do in May and 102 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:38,940 December relationships. 103 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,060 Hello and welcome to my home. 104 00:06:42,260 --> 00:06:46,160 Well, you haven't changed a bit. After all these years, I have to pinch myself 105 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:47,160 to believe it. 106 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,900 Don't pinch too hard, Russell. 107 00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,760 At your age, blood clots very fast. 108 00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:57,560 Same sense of humor, too. But you look... Absolutely beautiful. 109 00:06:57,860 --> 00:07:00,060 Well, thank you, Russell. You look shorter. 110 00:07:03,140 --> 00:07:04,420 Have you gotten shorter? 111 00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:08,240 No, still six foot four. And still unable to believe an insult. 112 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:13,460 Walter, I'd like you to meet one of the great facelifts of our time. 113 00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:16,920 Russell, my husband, Walter Finley. 114 00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:21,080 Hello. Oh, uh, I've always wanted to meet a famous author. 115 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,880 Well, now you have. 116 00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:24,820 Isn't he wonderful? 117 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:29,520 Russell, tell Walter how you cultivated that phony continental accent. 118 00:07:29,980 --> 00:07:31,600 Oh, no, it's not phony anymore. 119 00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,560 It's part of me now. 120 00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:36,360 Isn't he wonderful? 121 00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:39,560 I'd do anything to have you bronzed. 122 00:07:41,740 --> 00:07:42,860 Or pickled. 123 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:46,560 To preserve me? 124 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:50,100 Oh, what a darling compliment. 125 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:52,500 And speaking of darlings... 126 00:07:53,159 --> 00:07:55,660 Thank heaven for a little girl. 127 00:07:57,340 --> 00:07:59,060 Carol, you look exquisite. 128 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,140 You put the rest of nature to shame. I think I'm losing my lunch. 129 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:08,040 Thank you, Russell. Excuse me while I say goodnight to Philip. By all means. 130 00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:11,860 How about a drink, Russell? I've got some 12 -year -old stuff you might like. 131 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,320 Whatever, Walter. 132 00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:16,580 No, I think his taste goes more to 27 -year -olds. 133 00:08:18,180 --> 00:08:21,420 Although he might like 12 -year -old stuff, too. 134 00:08:25,850 --> 00:08:28,150 Walter, talk to him about Carol. 135 00:08:28,770 --> 00:08:29,770 Save her. 136 00:08:30,150 --> 00:08:31,150 Save her. 137 00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:32,669 Here's your drink, Russell. 138 00:08:33,230 --> 00:08:34,189 Thank you. 139 00:08:34,190 --> 00:08:35,230 Make yourself at home. 140 00:08:36,789 --> 00:08:40,230 You know, that outfit, I like it. 141 00:08:41,049 --> 00:08:42,049 It's different. 142 00:08:42,409 --> 00:08:43,650 Oh, thank you, Walter. 143 00:08:44,210 --> 00:08:48,570 I do believe clothes should express a point of view. For example, I'm wearing 144 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:53,890 this one for the Johnny Carson show. It says, male, dominating, but not 145 00:08:53,890 --> 00:08:54,890 domineering. 146 00:08:56,099 --> 00:08:58,300 Authoritated, yet understated. You see what I mean? 147 00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:03,180 Magic. You could say all that with a lousy pair of pants and a jacket. 148 00:09:04,860 --> 00:09:07,620 Well, it's all a question of attitude towards oneself. 149 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,840 And my attitude is... Self -worship. 150 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,780 You know, Russell, if you loved yourself anymore, you'd be a married couple. 151 00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:21,780 Look, why don't we get right down to what's really on our minds? You and 152 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,000 Maud? 153 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:27,320 The time I'm serious. 154 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,200 Really serious. 155 00:09:30,020 --> 00:09:33,820 You know, Russell, I have this problem. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. 156 00:09:34,380 --> 00:09:35,380 Or kill. 157 00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:39,300 Mother, I didn't ask for this to happen. 158 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,360 When I came back from Europe, I called you for old time's sake. 159 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,520 You and Walter were away for the weekend, and I talked to Carol. 160 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,300 I was asking her out before I knew it. 161 00:09:48,860 --> 00:09:51,420 If he called in the daytime, he'd be going out with Florida now. 162 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,400 Walter, it was a pleasure. 163 00:09:57,620 --> 00:10:04,180 Russell? As for you, Maud, I was absolutely overjoyed. Oh, that's where 164 00:10:04,180 --> 00:10:05,520 was. You had it. 165 00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:11,780 Russell, don't they take the Carson show early and then show it later on? Uh 166 00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:15,160 -huh. Well, I'm sure you'd want to see yourself on television, so why don't we 167 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,460 expect you at 11 .30 and we'll all watch it together? 168 00:10:17,820 --> 00:10:21,440 Mother, Russell's already made plans for us to watch it from his place in New 169 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,580 York. Look, why don't we take it as it comes? 170 00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:27,430 If we can... Carol and I will see you at 11 .30. Good night. 171 00:10:27,690 --> 00:10:28,690 Good night. 172 00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:29,710 Good night. 173 00:10:30,750 --> 00:10:32,670 Walter, the man's no good. 174 00:10:32,970 --> 00:10:36,190 He'll tear her to tatters. Oh, God, how I wish I smoked. 175 00:10:38,510 --> 00:10:42,790 Oh, stop it. You're acting like Betty Davis on a bad day. 176 00:10:44,990 --> 00:10:48,690 But what if they don't come back here at 11 .30? What if they watch the show 177 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,430 from his place? And what if they do? 178 00:10:51,030 --> 00:10:56,510 Walter. In what room do you and I and every other couple in America watch the 179 00:10:56,510 --> 00:10:57,510 Johnny Carter? 180 00:10:59,130 --> 00:11:00,130 Florida, 181 00:11:05,530 --> 00:11:07,590 we'll have our dinner now. 182 00:11:07,810 --> 00:11:08,810 What? 183 00:11:09,390 --> 00:11:11,650 Carol's a big girl. Now, come on. 184 00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:15,290 What's really bugging you about this guy? 185 00:11:16,670 --> 00:11:18,170 All right, Walter, I'll tell you. 186 00:11:19,310 --> 00:11:21,230 I'm really troubled about Carol. 187 00:11:22,209 --> 00:11:26,450 Russell Asher is a lady killer. He goes through women the way you go through 188 00:11:26,450 --> 00:11:28,250 summer underwear. Believe me, I know. 189 00:11:28,950 --> 00:11:30,610 In other words, he jilted you. 190 00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:34,830 That's a very dated word, Walter. But still. He jilted me. 191 00:11:36,050 --> 00:11:39,870 And if Carol's not careful, the same thing's going to happen to her. 192 00:11:40,230 --> 00:11:43,670 He's only had a couple of dates with the guy. Maybe she'll never even get 193 00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:44,670 serious about it. 194 00:11:45,590 --> 00:11:46,590 Maybe you're right. 195 00:11:46,890 --> 00:11:49,990 And maybe we'll find that out when she brings him back at 11 .30. 196 00:11:50,230 --> 00:11:53,930 Miss Carroll ain't bringing nobody back at 11 .30, Miss Finley. Not tonight, 197 00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:55,890 anyway. Well, how do you know? 198 00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:59,170 Because I just tidied her bathroom in, that little devil. 199 00:12:01,070 --> 00:12:02,910 She took her toothbrush with her. 200 00:12:20,650 --> 00:12:21,850 Good morning. Good morning, honey. 201 00:12:25,910 --> 00:12:27,850 You didn't come to bed last night, did you? 202 00:12:28,250 --> 00:12:29,250 Nope. 203 00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:34,450 Did Carol ever get home? 204 00:12:34,810 --> 00:12:35,810 Yep. 205 00:12:36,290 --> 00:12:38,510 Six minutes after four this morning. 206 00:12:39,010 --> 00:12:41,030 Well, at least you didn't spend all night with him. 207 00:12:43,590 --> 00:12:46,590 Walter, Rome was sacked in less than three hours. 208 00:12:51,390 --> 00:12:52,390 Did you speak with her? 209 00:12:54,010 --> 00:12:55,050 Did she use a toothbrush? 210 00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,970 Walter, how could I ask her a question like that? 211 00:13:06,090 --> 00:13:07,710 She told me to mind my own business. 212 00:13:12,310 --> 00:13:15,570 Lord, can I have a couple of eggs instead of cereal? No, you had eggs 213 00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:17,490 You know how high in cholesterol they are. 214 00:13:17,870 --> 00:13:21,150 They're high in good taste, too, which is more than I can say for this goop. 215 00:13:22,230 --> 00:13:25,950 Honey, I'd rather have you alive with a belly full of goop than dead with eggs 216 00:13:25,950 --> 00:13:26,950 in your veins. 217 00:13:33,450 --> 00:13:34,450 Hello? 218 00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:37,630 Russell, this is the third time you've called this morning. 219 00:13:37,990 --> 00:13:39,470 No, she isn't down yet. 220 00:13:39,890 --> 00:13:41,070 Hold on just a minute. 221 00:13:41,310 --> 00:13:44,950 I'll get it. Stay where you are. The longer he waits, the older he gets. 222 00:14:02,670 --> 00:14:05,430 You knew I was going to be delivering flowers today, lady? 223 00:14:05,630 --> 00:14:06,770 No, I knew something else. 224 00:14:06,990 --> 00:14:07,869 Like what? 225 00:14:07,870 --> 00:14:09,850 What are you, a delivery man or a relative? 226 00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:14,330 Here, and thanks for your trouble. 227 00:14:14,630 --> 00:14:15,630 Fifty cents. 228 00:14:15,670 --> 00:14:16,670 Some thanks. 229 00:14:16,750 --> 00:14:18,530 Wait a minute. You don't like it? Let me see it. 230 00:14:19,610 --> 00:14:20,610 I like it. 231 00:14:21,810 --> 00:14:25,150 I'll tell you what. Since you don't like it and I do, why don't I just keep it? 232 00:14:47,660 --> 00:14:49,440 of his life, and he lived till he was 96. 233 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,860 Sure, but that was before they learned about cholesterol. 234 00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:58,100 Hello, Russell? 235 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:01,100 No, she's not downstairs yet, and she hasn't picked up the extension. 236 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,100 All right, if you insist. 237 00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:10,640 Walter, you know what's in here? 238 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,680 A single rose. 239 00:15:15,140 --> 00:15:16,880 That's what Russell always does. 240 00:15:17,770 --> 00:15:23,730 The morning after, he always sends a single perfect rose. 241 00:15:25,370 --> 00:15:26,390 Wait a minute, Mort. 242 00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:27,650 That's for Carol. 243 00:15:27,830 --> 00:15:29,610 Well, it's not like I'm opening a mail. 244 00:15:31,590 --> 00:15:32,650 I hate him. 245 00:15:33,870 --> 00:15:37,270 No, I really hate him. Well, what did he do now? 246 00:15:37,490 --> 00:15:39,910 He sent 24 perfect roses. 247 00:15:45,740 --> 00:15:49,140 Listen, you're tying up the phone and I'm expecting a call from Lord knows 248 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,620 All right, I'll tell her. Goodbye. 249 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:58,860 Walter, I am going to put a stop to this now. 250 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,720 Now look, Maude, if you break this up, Carol's going to think you're an 251 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,380 overprotective, interfering mother. You want that? 252 00:16:05,580 --> 00:16:07,040 It's a hazard of the trade, Walter. 253 00:16:07,620 --> 00:16:11,380 I didn't interfere when she eloped with Pete and it ended in divorce. 254 00:16:11,620 --> 00:16:12,760 I've never forgiven myself. 255 00:16:13,060 --> 00:16:14,060 Then why didn't you interfere? 256 00:16:14,510 --> 00:16:16,570 I was in Reno at the time, divorcing Albert. 257 00:16:22,410 --> 00:16:23,389 Morning, everybody. 258 00:16:23,390 --> 00:16:24,390 Morning. 259 00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:27,830 Carol, I want to talk to you. Mother, I've got to get dressed. I don't want to 260 00:16:27,830 --> 00:16:28,709 be late for work. 261 00:16:28,710 --> 00:16:31,530 Carol, Russell sent you these flowers. Mother, I don't have time. 262 00:16:31,730 --> 00:16:32,730 Carol! 263 00:16:34,350 --> 00:16:36,330 Carol, I said Russell sent you flowers. 264 00:16:37,710 --> 00:16:38,710 Oh, now look, honey. 265 00:16:40,150 --> 00:16:43,130 I know you're going to tell me again to mind my own business. 266 00:16:43,740 --> 00:16:44,980 But look at it this way. 267 00:16:45,980 --> 00:16:47,360 God couldn't be everywhere. 268 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,740 That's why he invented mothers. 269 00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:58,460 Honey, I know what Russell Asher does to women. You have to stop seeing him. 270 00:16:58,660 --> 00:16:59,660 Okay. 271 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:05,700 Carol, don't do this to me. I have just made an impassioned plea. And I said 272 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:06,700 okay. 273 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,020 Something happened last night. 274 00:17:09,339 --> 00:17:11,980 What did he do to you? Carol, I'll kill him. I'll kill him. 275 00:17:13,069 --> 00:17:15,790 to his place last night. You watched the Carson show, right? A little. He didn't 276 00:17:15,790 --> 00:17:18,790 get on until quarter to one. Yeah, and don't tell me that you watched Virginia 277 00:17:18,790 --> 00:17:21,930 Graham and those two midgets from Austria for an hour and 15 minutes. 278 00:17:22,690 --> 00:17:25,510 Look, he brought out champagne, didn't he? Yes. 279 00:17:25,770 --> 00:17:27,010 Piper Heitzik, 1961? 280 00:17:27,490 --> 00:17:31,110 Yes, I think so. And then he did ten minutes wrestling the cork between his 281 00:17:31,110 --> 00:17:34,870 knees. Oh, mother. Yeah, the lights were dim, Carol, and it was very romantic. 282 00:17:34,890 --> 00:17:37,450 No, it was not romantic. He called me Maude. 283 00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:14,470 Oh, Walter, Carol and Russell are not seeing each other anymore. 284 00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:17,790 He called her Maude. 285 00:18:20,070 --> 00:18:23,470 Is that why you seem so pleased? He called her Maude? 286 00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:28,190 Walter, I'm pleased that she's not seeing him anymore. It has nothing to do 287 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,610 that. It doesn't, huh? 288 00:18:30,070 --> 00:18:34,950 This guy goofs in an intimate moment and calls her Maude. Now, I didn't say it 289 00:18:34,950 --> 00:18:36,350 was an intimate moment, Walter. 290 00:18:38,220 --> 00:18:40,620 They were plucking chickens at three in the morning. 291 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:44,660 Walter, you are jealous. 292 00:18:45,020 --> 00:18:47,000 Don't be silly. You are jealous. 293 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,760 I've had it up to here with Russell Asher. 294 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:52,800 The poor soul. 295 00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:57,240 He doesn't realize that he's only hungering for my daughter because of his 296 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:58,700 latent feelings for me. 297 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:06,080 I don't believe you. 298 00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:12,280 Last night you were Betty Davis. This morning, Joan Crawford. 299 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,420 Walter, jealousy is not the answer. 300 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,580 It's a tragic situation for a man who's almost 50 years old. 301 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:26,280 It's tragic. 302 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,800 Well, I couldn't wait any longer. I had to see Carol. 303 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:40,880 Dear Russell. 304 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,840 I'm in that much trouble, huh? 305 00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:46,020 Russell, please come in. I want to talk to you. 306 00:19:46,980 --> 00:19:48,120 Would you like some coffee? 307 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,800 No, no, no, no. I'm in no mood for coffee. Juice? 308 00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:53,100 Fresh juice? 309 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,400 Can I squeeze you an orange? 310 00:19:58,580 --> 00:20:00,040 Mud, I want to see Carol. 311 00:20:01,060 --> 00:20:03,880 Russell, we got your flowers. 312 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,660 And we love them. 313 00:20:06,540 --> 00:20:09,640 But Russell... Carol no longer wishes to see you. 314 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:14,500 Maude, if you can arrange for me to have five minutes alone with your daughter, 315 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:19,260 everything will be fine. Listen to me, Russell. When I was a little girl, there 316 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:23,760 was a song. I forget where I heard it, but it's always stayed in my mind. It 317 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,160 went, "'Tis good to be merry and wise. 318 00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,600 "'Tis good to be honest and true. 319 00:20:31,780 --> 00:20:38,780 "'Tis well to be off with the old love.'" before you go on with the 320 00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:39,780 news. 321 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:45,520 There's also the Star Spangled Banner if anyone feels like standing. 322 00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:52,240 Look, Mom, I have to sign autographs in four different bookstores today. Will 323 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,300 you please tell Carol I'm here? 324 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:55,620 Mother, I'm leaving. 325 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:59,160 Oh, Carol, listen. About last night. I don't want to talk about last night. 326 00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:00,380 But I do. 327 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:01,480 Look, Russell. 328 00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:05,420 I don't want to see you again. That's all there is to it. I have to explain to 329 00:21:05,420 --> 00:21:07,060 you why I called you Maude. 330 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,520 Remember when you said I was embarrassing on the Carson show? Oh, you 331 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:13,580 embarrassing, comparing yourself to Hemingway. Why not? 332 00:21:13,860 --> 00:21:15,460 I am as good as Hemingway. 333 00:21:15,820 --> 00:21:20,400 You know how many paperbacks I sold in the last four years? Six million, in 42 334 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:24,880 languages, including Swahili. And who cares? You've got an ego that flows like 335 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:25,880 Niagara Falls. 336 00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:27,020 There, that's it. 337 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,760 That's just the kind of thing your mother would say, and you said it right 338 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:31,780 the middle of our fight. 339 00:21:32,380 --> 00:21:35,480 That's why I called you Maude. Russell, I'm not angry at you because you called 340 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,960 me Maude. I just don't want to see you again. They were fighting when he called 341 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:39,960 her Maude. 342 00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:48,900 They were fighting when he called 343 00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:49,940 her Maude. 344 00:21:51,540 --> 00:21:52,540 What did you say, Mother? 345 00:21:52,940 --> 00:21:53,940 Nothing. 346 00:21:58,510 --> 00:22:01,070 What did you think was going on when he called me Maude? 347 00:22:02,890 --> 00:22:07,050 Nothing, Carol. I was just surprised that you were fighting. That's all. 348 00:22:08,770 --> 00:22:09,770 Mother. 349 00:22:12,770 --> 00:22:18,710 Did you think that Russell and I were... You actually thought Russell and I 350 00:22:18,710 --> 00:22:20,870 were... When he called me Maude? 351 00:22:35,950 --> 00:22:40,090 I just wanted you to understand that Carol criticized me last night in the 352 00:22:40,090 --> 00:22:45,390 way you criticized me years ago, Maude, which is why we broke up. Broke up my 353 00:22:45,390 --> 00:22:46,910 foot. You walked out on me. 354 00:22:47,130 --> 00:22:48,550 He did what to you? Carol. 355 00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:53,930 Quiet. Maude. Quiet. He walked out on me, Carol, and I wanted to keep him from 356 00:22:53,930 --> 00:22:57,370 doing the same thing to you. But it wouldn't. How can you hold against me 357 00:22:57,370 --> 00:22:58,990 something that happens years ago? 358 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,460 With your mother? Oh, I'm not. Russell, believe me, the only thing I'm holding 359 00:23:02,460 --> 00:23:04,620 against you is that you're a conceited, pompous bore. 360 00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:06,780 Carol, can I add something to that? 361 00:23:08,140 --> 00:23:12,040 Boring, boring, boring bore. 362 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:14,680 I am boring. 363 00:23:16,300 --> 00:23:17,300 Russell, 364 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,120 you've been rejected. 365 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:24,500 Now, I know it's a blow to your pride, but I don't want you to take it 366 00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:25,500 personally. 367 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,200 On second thought, Russell, please. 368 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,000 Take it personally. 369 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,760 The worst nose job I've ever seen. 370 00:23:39,140 --> 00:23:40,260 Good morning, honey. 371 00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:42,220 Good morning, mother. 372 00:23:44,460 --> 00:23:48,080 He was supposed to meet me at the lake in Central Park. 373 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:53,000 I sat in the rowboat thinking that Russell was going to bring me a ring. 374 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:56,620 I waited and I waited. 375 00:23:57,580 --> 00:23:58,580 I waited. 376 00:23:59,180 --> 00:24:00,900 Even the ducks went home. 377 00:24:03,340 --> 00:24:04,340 Maud? 378 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,560 Maud, I want to apologize. 379 00:24:11,580 --> 00:24:12,820 What for, Walter? 380 00:24:13,180 --> 00:24:16,180 Well, I... I shouldn't have gotten mad before. 381 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,980 Mad. My little euphemism for jealous. 382 00:24:20,300 --> 00:24:24,780 Oh, honey, don't worry about it. After all, he did call her Maud and... 383 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,200 You had every right to be a little jealous. 384 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:32,340 I'd better get to work. 385 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:35,040 Mother. 386 00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:40,320 Walter thinks Russell called me Maude in a romantic moment. Why didn't you tell 387 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:41,320 him the truth? 388 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,960 I think every marriage should have a little mystery in it. 389 00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:49,780 A woman's a two -faced... 390 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,020 Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience. 30253

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