Original subtitles

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's

Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing.

Good evening, love.

I said good evening, love.

Good evening, Walter.

Welcome home. I trust you had a marvelous day.

On a scale of ten, my day was .001.

Since there is nothing more that I care to hear from you, at the sound of the

bell, we'll consider the conversation closed.

You're still angry at me.

Smart.

Go to the head of the class, Walter. Only preferably someplace in Europe

there is an ocean between us.

Gee, it's good to be home.

You know, Sam, it's Maud. How can you carry on this dumb fight from morning to

night, day after day after day, for crying out loud? It's been going on so

I don't even remember what started it. Well, I do remember what started it.

What? You.

Me again. It's always me.

I'm glad you admit it, Walter.

Now, since you realize the truth about yourself, may I tell you what I think it

is? I think that basically, Walter, way down deep inside, you're no good.

Don't you raise your voice to me, Walter Finley.

Now, don't you raise your voice to me.

It's been four days since you kissed me goodnight.

How much can a love -starved woman take?

So that's what it is. Yes, that's what it is.

It'll be reasonable, Maud.

How can I kiss you goodnight when we're fighting like this?

A truly inventive man would have found a way.

Maud, will you please listen to yourself? We're fighting tooth and nail,

expect me to make love to you. Somewhere between the tooth and the nail, Walter,

you could have found 15 minutes.

Good evening, honey.

You've got to be kidding.

Well, somebody at least is in a good mood.

Honey, what's the matter with your foot? Nothing. On top of everything else, I

broke the stupid heel off my shoe.

Well, why don't you take the other shoe off?

Because I like to limp.

It's fun limping. When I grow up, you know what I want to be? A full -time

limper. All right, Carol.

Carol, don't take your frustration out on Walter. That's right.

Your mother's got that pretty well taken care of.

You didn't get a job today, did you?

No.

But I was offered one. A job that started with a vacation.

Sounds interesting.

Very interesting. Two weeks in Miami with the boss.

Every job interview I go on, it's the same thing. I walk in, he smiles, I

He turns the picture of his wife and kids face down on the desk.

It's all my fault, Karen. Your fault?

Of course. I mean, you're just like me. I mean, you're really stacked.

I had to quit because I wouldn't supply in the supply room.

Find out you're divorcee and it's on guard.

What is it with you, man, Walter? All you have to do is hear the word divorcee

and it's an immediate U -turn to the Holiday Inn.

Well, I guess the average guy figures... Who cares, Walter?

I have a drink. Of course, honey. Here, have Mommy's drink. Oh, I don't want

Mommy's drink. I want Carol's drink.

One Shirley Temple coming up.

Never mind.

I'm sorry.

It's just that everything is going wrong these days.

I'll be upstairs with Philip. Oh, honey.

I forgot to tell you. Philip got into a little fight today.

A fight? Why didn't...

You were so upset. Besides, it was nothing.

All he had was a bloody nose and a bruised ego.

You should have seen the other kid. His knuckles were a mess.

If it isn't one thing, it's another. I've been out of work for four weeks,

leave my son alone. He gets beaten up.

Honey, please do something about that broken heel before you have an accident.

My whole life's an accident.

There!

Oh, by the way, I have some news for you.

Yeah? I'm getting married.

Walter, what did Carol just say?

She says he's getting married, Maude. No, I mean...

What did she just say when she left the room?

Carol said she's getting married, Maude. But how can she? I'm her mother. She

hasn't talked it over with me.

Maybe she talked it over with a friend.

What is a mother if not her daughter's best friend? Really, Walter, sometimes

you display a shocking lack of insight.

Well, maybe I didn't hear what she said. Maybe she said she's not getting

married. But of course she's getting married. You know what she's going

How would you like to be a 27 -year -old girl without a husband, without a job,

with an 8 -year -old son living with your mother and your stepfather?

Walter, the girl's trying to escape.

Look, Maude, there's a thing coming on between you and Carol, and I'm trying to

save you from yourself. Save me from yourself, Walter.

Walter, when Carol decides to get married again, I don't want it to be

she's miserable.

I want it to be because she's deliriously and ecstatically happy.

want Carol to make a mistake any more than you do, but I got a pretty good

feeling that you're beginning to lead her life again.

Will you do me a favor with your feelings, Walter?

Save them, and then someday give them all to me together in a lump.

In my old age, maybe I'll browse through them and find out who you were.

I wish I could get over my little battles with life as quickly as my son.

Uh, honey, come over here. Sit down on the couch. I want to have just a little

talk with you.

Uh, honey, before you left the room a minute ago, did I hear something about

you're getting married again?

That's right.

Isn't that wonderful?

Mother's hearing is still 2020.

Darling, stop me if this is too personal a question for a mother to ask, but do

I happen to know the young man that you intend to spend the rest of your life

with?

Mother, you've known him for years. Now, look, instead of waiting to explode,

why don't you just let loose and let me have it?

What do you mean, waiting to explode? Why should I explode?

I mean, I'm sitting here having a very calm conversation with my daughter, who

has just very casually informed me of her intention to marry. I mean, that is

hardly a reason to explode. That is a reason to cut my throat!

Mother, will you calm down so we can talk? Talk? What is there to talk about?

You've already decided.

If you want to talk, Carol, you talk first and then decide. Well, I knew what

you were going to say.

If there is anything I am not, Carol, it is predictable. So don't tell me you

knew what I was going to say. Now, Mother, I knew you were going to scream

I told you I'm marrying George Snyder.

George Sny... You're marrying George... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I like George Snyder.

Of course you do. The scream is just a reflex.

Mother, I've made up my mind. My son needs a father and I need a home of my

I am tired of this rat race.

And love, Carol?

That'll come later.

That won't come later.

That's George. Now, please don't say anything to him. Why not? Well, because

doesn't know he's getting married yet.

Don't worry about it. I know how George feels about me. I've known him for two

years. He'll be thrilled. I couldn't care less. What's about George? Walter,

please help me. Say something.

Okay, Carol, if this is what you want to do, go right ahead.

Walter, don't help me. Don't help me.

Evening, Walt.

Evening, Walt.

Evening, Walt.

Oh,

hi, George. Evening. Hi, George.

When I first walked in, I was going to say, what's new? But now I'm afraid to

ask.

Walter and I were just having a little political discussion.

You see, one of us is an avid liberal Democrat.

And the other is a bull moose.

George, how's business?

Great, great. You know, one of the smartest things I ever did was picking a

father who owns his own business.

I'm a self -made son, you know.

Don't put yourself down. That business was only half as big when you took over

for your dad.

Attagirl, Carl. Every chance you get, build the man up. Right, Maud?

Walter, how do we turn off that fountain of infinite wisdom?

Listen, you two, we're leaving. We have a lot to discuss.

Uh, Carol, I'd like to talk to you first. Leave her alone. I want to talk

daughter. Come on, Carol, talk to your mother. I'm fascinated. Oh, George, it

isn't necessary.

I know what she's going to say. Look, Carol, as a friend of 27 years standing,

will you give a mother a break?

All right, mother, go ahead. I'm sure George would be very interested in

what you have to say.

Carol, how can I?

George, your father just called. Your warehouse is on fire.

Carol, I want to talk to you. Will you stop this? It's none of your business.

You are my business.

If it hadn't been for Walter and me, you never would have been born.

Oh, wait a minute.

Chester was her father.

I didn't meet you till 24 years later.

Don't nitpick, Walter.

You know perfectly well I meant to say, Chester.

I want to talk to you. Mother, I have nothing more to say. I have nothing more

to say.

I have nothing more to say. I have nothing more to say.

I have nothing more to say. I have nothing more to say. I have nothing more

say. I have nothing more to say. I have nothing more to say. More!

Kitchen!

Got a lot of passion

around here.

You better believe it. Let's go.

I got the answer to that down pat. It's the question that throws me.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm crazy about the question. I just can't imagine how

it happened to come up.

But you still haven't answered it.

No. All right, after I say yes, can I go on to say something else? I mean, you

won't suddenly smother me with kisses.

I promise.

All right, then, yes.

I guess it's... I don't know how long it's been since I've wanted to ask you

marry me. A year, at least.

Two years, George.

Two?

Well, then what are we waiting for? Smother away.

George, there's something you have to understand. No, smother first. I'll

understand later.

Well, it's done.

A poor kid doesn't know what she's doing.

Maybe she does.

This calls for a celebration. Walter, I am not going to celebrate a loveless

marriage. Mort, I know you're unhappy and upset, but in spite of your

misgivings, eventually you're going to stand behind Carol's decision 100%. Not

because you're her mother, but because you're a wise, forgiving human being

a marvelous capacity for love.

Could I just interrupt for a minute?

Of course.

Buzz off!

Now, what was it you wanted me to understand? That this is all a dream and

going to wake up and find myself engaged to my pillow?

No, it's much more serious than that.

Oh, that?

You're going to tell me you don't love me?

How did you know that?

Carol, it's been my business to know if you love me ever since I knew I loved

you.

George, I respect you very much.

I'm very fond of you.

And I must be crazy not to be able to tell you I love you.

All right, so what's love? An emotion? A little excitement? A toothpaste ad? Who

knows?

Maybe... Maybe the thing that you're going to bring to me will be more

in the long run than the love I'm going to give you.

I don't know.

Are you sure you don't want out?

Oh, come on. I'm a grown man.

You know what makes the world tick?

Me.

When I'm feeling good, the world ticks along just fine.

And what I need to feel good is you.

Thank you, George.

I can't stand it anymore. I'm going in there. No, you're not, Mort.

My daughter is about to ruin her life and you won't let me raise a hand? You

raise a hand. You can touch the ceiling if you want, but Carol has a right to

her own decisions.

Walter, she doesn't...

I love him. What's the difference?

My mother and father lived with each other for 50 years in total hatred and

loved every minute of it.

My father died right before their golden wedding anniversary out of spite

because he knew my mother loved big parties.

Well, then what am I going to do about my little girl?

Maud.

Carol lost a heel today, running away from a dirty old man.

Your little girl's not so little anymore.

Maude, do you realize this is the first time I've had you in my arms in four

days?

So what, Walter?

It's another matter of too little, too late.

Thanks for Carol, and what do I get from you?

Encouragement or sympathy or empathy? Nothing.

Nothing, Walter. That's what I get from you. Okay, you want something

encouraging, okay? Okay.

How about this?

Carol and George have been engaged for about 30 minutes, and sometimes

engagements last forever, and sometimes engagements terminate before the

marriage. How's that for an encouraging idea?

It's beautiful.

Oh, Walter, it's beautiful. You're an absolute... George went home to pack.

We're going to get married tonight.

Ah, it's an absolute... Carol, you're not leaving. No, Mother, please. Carol,

you're going to stay and talk to me or I'm going to... Do what, Mother? Stand

in a corner? Send me to bed without my dinner?

Now, excuse me. He'll be here in a half an hour.

Maud, Carol's a grown woman.

You're her mother, but you can't talk to her like her mother. Do you understand

that? I understand this, Walter.

If the Boy Scouts of America gave as much help to little old ladies as you're

giving me tonight, the streets of our city would be littered with the smashed

bodies of little old ladies.

Honey, do you mind if I come in?

If I promise.

Promise what?

If I promise not to talk like a mother.

All right.

If I promise not to talk about the way you're wrecking your life.

You promised. All right.

Would it disturb you terribly if I cried?

Very quietly.

mother for 27 years. I carried you for nine months before then. I lived with

your father two years longer than I wanted to because I thought you needed

And you know what a ding -dong he was.

Don't try to keep me to some kind of a promise that I made a few minutes ago

when I was half out of my mind with worry.

All right, mother. You have five minutes. After that, you're done.

Five minutes and I'm done? What am I, an egg?

All right. Mother, I have a lot of packing to do. I'll accept the five

Carol, you don't love him.

Well, maybe I'll learn to love him.

Mother, look at my life. Don't you see? Love is the luxury I can't afford.

Carol, look, if you were 65 years old, I still wouldn't agree with you. But,

honey, you're 27 years old.

I beg of you, don't settle.

Mother, I'm marrying a man I like very much and I respect even more.

Now, I think we can make it on that.

Oh, look at you. Before you met Walter, you were married three times. Yes, and

each time it was for love.

Even Barney? Especially Barney.

I was so in love with that lame brain that it took me three years before I

realized he had the intelligence of a radish.

Look, Mother, I don't think I'm settling. Philip needs a father, and I

of sleeping alone.

We've come to the crux of it.

The other head on the pillow.

Oh, sweetheart.

Don't you realize that at times we all feel lonely?

We all feel... Your five minutes are up, Mother.

Carol, marriage without love is like going through life washing socks for a

stranger.

Time's up, Mother.

All right.

Marry George.

I just want you to know, though, Carol, that...

If you come back shattered and disillusioned, I promise you I won't be

those mothers who said I told you so.

But remember, you heard it here first.

I couldn't talk to her.

She's as stubborn as I am. And that's pretty stubborn.

Maude, I'm ready for my dinner.

Walter, what could be worse than a woman spending her life with a man she's not

in love with? A man spending his life with a man he's not in love with.

I come to you seeking a little comfort, and I suddenly discover I'm married to

Maury Amsterdam.

Wait a second, Walt.

I've had enough to hear catering to you tonight.

You're in the very way you shouldn't be, and all I've been doing is trying to

help you see that. You don't want to see it, okay?

Now look, I want you to cater to me. me for a change.

And I don't want to hear any more talk about Carol.

Now, come on, give me my dinner.

All right, Walter.

All right. I mean, it's not an unreasonable request.

I mean, a man comes home from work hungry and tired, and of course, he

his wife to put aside her own personal problems and just cater to his every

whim.

So here King comes!

do this very often? No, no. The last time was two years ago. He broke an

and two lamps and she cut three pairs of his trousers off at the knee.

It's getting quiet. Let me say goodbye.

How can two people who fight like that live together? It's easy.

They love each other.

I'll bet we could rent ourselves out as a couple of steel balls to one of those

wrecking companies.

I guess I lost my temper, huh? Oh, no.

It was as much my fault as it was yours.

Oh, Walter.

I'm so tired of World War III.

Truth?

Surrender. Excuse me, I've been sent in by the UN to count the bodies.

You come in to say goodbye?

No, to say goodnight.

George left and I'm going to bed.

Honey, you mean you're not?

We'll talk about it in the morning, Mother.

Thank you.

Thank you too, August.

I wonder what happened.

George heard me smashing the dishes, and I guess he figured marriage wasn't for

him.

Maybe.

Well, if that's what happened, I'm sorry, although I really shouldn't be.

According to that movie, love is never having to say you're sorry.

Wrong, Walter.

Love is having tuna fish sandwiches on paper plates.

You're making breakfast?

That's right, Maude.

This morning I wanted you to know how much I love you, so I figured actions

speak louder than words.

Sweetheart, you said it all last night.

Bob was recorded on tape before a live audience.