All language subtitles for Maude S01e05 Maude & the Radical

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.
That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right on,
Maud.

Will you please move your way?

Don't you have anything to do out there?

Now you just stop that and get out of my
kitchen, Mr. Finlay. All right, all

right, all right. Get ready for a party
with you messing with my hot hors d

'oeuvres. You practically killed off the
meatball and the thing landed.

Oh, come on, Florida. There was one
meatball hanging over the platter, and I

scooped it up just before it fell.

Yeah, you come back into my kitchen once
more, and I'm going to chop off your

scooper.

I'm beginning to know what they mean by
black power.

How's your mother bearing up, Carol?

Are you kidding?

You know Mother when she's giving a
party. She worries herself sick over

little detail.

Yeah. I'll bet tonight she's going to be
as nervous as a long -tailed cat in a

room full of rockers.

That doesn't sound like you, Walter. It
wasn't. I heard it on Hee Haw.

You know, Carol, I'm worried about your
mother. This is the most important party

she's ever thrown.

I know. That's why she's taking so long
to get ready.

Every time I go upstairs, she's putting
her eyelashes on again.

I finally got my lashes on. On my nose.

Where is the cleaner with my dress? He's
had it for over a week. I'll kill him.

Take it easy, Maude. It's only 7 .30.
Nobody's due until 8. Don't you think I

know that?

Look, Walter, I have 30 people coming
tonight. Now, please, get off my back.

Well, I'm sorry, dear, but there's no
reason for you to be tense.

Tense? Tense? Me tense?

I have just taken two Miltown, the
greatest tranquilizer known to man, and

tell me I'm tense?

Carol, is the food all ready, Walter?
Has the bartender come yet? Mother,

mother, relax.

Everything's taken care of. The
bartender will be here any minute. Oh,

you, dear. And thank you for leaving
work early to help out.

I need you both.

And I know I can count on you because I
have the world's sweetest husband and

the world's dearest daughter.

What the hell's with the floral
arrangement?

I turned my back for 30 seconds. The
place is a shambles. Carol, put that

there. Walter, bring that down there.

What happened to the dearest husband and
sweetest daughter you were blessed

with? I don't know. Easy come, easy go.

Look, I know I'm a little bit hysterical
tonight, but I've never given a party

like this. Do you realize who's coming
tonight? The important people? The

Fergusons? The Kennys? Mother, don't
have to worry.

They couldn't care less about the party.
That's not where it's at.

I'm giving a party for one of the most
important black militant leaders in the

country, and you're telling me where
it's at?

Did I tell you to bring the McKennies?
And the Kennies once gave a telethon $5

,000 just to talk on the phone with
Julius La Rosa.

Oh, I'm as nervous as a long -tailed cat
in a room full of rockers.

Don't look at me. I heard it on the Dean
Martins show.

It's been layabout, this outfit.

I am not a French maid, and I ain't
never gonna look like no French maid.

This thing ain't no apron. It's a doily.

Florida Evans, what the hell are you
doing here tonight? I told you you are

supposed to be here.

Mother.

Really, sometimes I question your social
sensitivity, all three of you. Oh,

Mother, for heaven's sake. Do you really
want Jim Chambers to think that he is

in a typical middle -class home where we
use black people to do the work that

white people won't do? But he will be in
a typical middle -class home where we

use black people to do the work that
white people won't do.

God will get you for that.

Will you listen to me?

he called while you were upstairs
putting your eyelashes on your nose.

The woman that they were sending to
serve tonight got tomaine poisoning at a

party she served last night.

So I asked Florida to stay.

Carol, don't you realize that the black
servant is the symbol of everything that

black militants like Jim Chambers detest
in our society?

It's the Aunt Jemima image all over
again. You calling me Aunt Jemima?

Black God will get you for that.

It won't be the first time. Look, Mrs.
Finlay, I work for a living, my husband

is a fireman, and together we're
bringing up three beautiful black kids.

Now, if there's anything Aunt Jemima in
that, I'll eat it.

Florida, I'll pay you nothing. to work
tonight. I can't risk offending him by

having a black serving. I'm trying to
raise at least $15 ,000 for his various

activities. Woman, if you could raise
$15 ,000 for Jim Chambers, he ain't

care if the Harlem Globetrotters is
serving.

Well, anyway, it's a good excuse to get
out of this uniform.

Sometimes I think black on black is
worse than white on white.

Oh, by the way, Mort, your invitation
should have said that this was a

fundraising party.

Walter, people do not go to fundraising
parties.

They're tired of them.

How can you raise $15 ,000 on a lie?

Because, Walter, this isn't just any
lie.

This is a really big one.

Marty, Marty, Marty!

Have no fear. Your favorite next -door
neighbor is here. Look, Arthur, do not

start with me. I am already two miles
past hysteria and rapidly approaching

berserk.

I know that, Marty.

Walter told me you needed something to
calm you down, so I brought you a

tranquilizer, Valium. But I just took
two Miltown. And she's still as nervous

a long -tailed cat in a room full of
rockers.

Figured it was my turn, that's all.

I heard it on Sonny and Cher.

We'll save the Valium till later, Marty.
I think the mill town will hold you for

a while. I hope so, Arthur. Arthur, do
you realize the guest list coming

tonight? Yes, I heard the Armstrongs,
the Hilliards, the Jeffersons, the

LaRoses. They're a little mixed up there
all. Never mind, Walter. He's been

mixed up since birth. That's my reward.

That's my reward for bringing you a
tranquilizer, huh? An insult. No, that's

all the things you're thinking about my
having a black militant guest in this

house. Oh!

Oh, well, in that case, I think you can
afford to insult me a little more.

Because Mr.

Jim Chambers happens to be one of the
worst...

Maud!

Sit!

Now, Arthur, Maud's in trouble enough
with this party. I don't want her upset

any more than she is, understand?

And as for you, Maud, the first guest
hasn't even arrived and already you're a

total wreck.

You've got to leave a little falling
apart for later.

And before your next attempt at
peacemaking, may I remind you who

sides of our electric blanket.

Oh, oh, oh, there goes the old bleeper.

I better go home and call my servers.

But I'll be back for the party.

Take your time, Arthur. Take your time.
If you don't get back at all, we'll

understand.

I know that, Marty. That's why I'm
coming back. If it kills me. On those

I'll accept.

I really don't know why you had to
invite him tonight, Walter. I need him

bad case of shingles.

Hello? No, this is not Mr.

Findley. This is Mrs. Findley. Yeah, Mr.
Findley has a mustache.

Mr.

Jack? Oh, I'm... I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't recognize your voice.

Oh, but that's impossible.

No, you simply have to come.

Yes.

Yes, I do understand.

Yes, thank you for calling.

because these aren't your average
guests.

They're black, aren't they, Mother? Yes.
So they're black and they can't come.

What's so tragic? You act like they're
supposed to bring the ice.

Walter, how can I have a party with a
black guest of honor and not one single

black guest?

Maybe you should have invited two black
couples, Maude.

That's right, Maude. You should always
have a backup black.

find a black guest at this hour. Try the
yellow pages.

Aren't they just for Orientals?

Hurry! Hurry!

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Walter, I
know there was a black man at our table

at the Astons the other night, right?

There was.

The waiter.

Listen, Mother, a token black guest is
not going to mean that much to Jim

Chambers. Thank you for the advice,
Carol.

Look, I know there was a black couple at
one of the parties we attended

recently. He was a college professor or
something.

Was it at Marsha Higgins?

Marsha Higgins? No, I don't think so.
Her bag is American Indians.

Wait a minute. It was at the party the
week before at the Franklins. Yes.

I can see them before me right now.

Short, fat, black, and boring.

Maude, don't tell me because a couple is
black they can't be boring.

I didn't say that. Look.

Walter, just call Sam Franklin on the
phone, invite them over, and tell them

bring that charming black couple. The
boring one. You want me to do that?

Walter, I have a thousand details on my
mind. Can't you do one simple thing for

me? I'd rather do the other $999.

You do the simple one.

You live with a family.

You give them your life.

You ask practically nothing in return.
What do you get?

Where did I go wrong?

What did I do to deserve it? That's what
I want to know.

Somebody, somewhere... Hello, Diane.

Yeah, this is Maude Findlay.

Yeah, Walter and I are giving a little
last -minute get -together tonight. We

wondered if you and Sam could come.

You can?

Oh, wonderful!

They can come.

By the way, Diane, you remember that
charming black couple that we met at

house a couple weeks ago?

Yeah. Do you suppose you could bring
them along with you?

But, Diane, how can you suggest such a
thing?

No, I am not calling at the last minute
because I want you to bring the black

couple. No, I mean, if all I wanted was
the black couple, I'd simply call the

black couple.

Diane, what a terrible thing to say.

What'd she say?

She said to call the black couple.

Mrs. Maud, you're not going to find a
black in time for tonight's party. I am

not going to give up so easily, Walter.
There has to be at least one black guest

at this party.

Miss Finley.

I'm leaving now.

One of Jim Chambers' aides.

What? Wait, wait. They're getting off at
Route 202 at Sunnydale. Yeah, yeah.

They'll be here in exactly 12 minutes.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute. Say hello to the

party. Yeah, say hello.

Yes, they say hello to you.

Fine. Bye -bye, Jim Chambers' aide.

What an idiot.

Oh, Maude, what a night.

Well, thank you, dear. You know, you do
things so nicely. Thank you. I just

don't know how you manage it. Well, what
can I tell you, Mrs. Jenkins?

Entertaining comes second nature to me.

Arthur, I've got to have a tranquilizer.
Give me the bathroom.

But, Marty, you had Miltown less than
two hours ago. I know, and it calmed me

down a lot. I am calm, am I not, Arthur?

You're breaking my watch.

Pardon me.

Could you tell me where the bathroom is?

But certainly, I live here. This is my
home.

Of course I can tell you where the
bathroom is.

Out to the valley.

Maybe I better give you five milligrams.

What?

Walter, what happened? Did the meatballs
burn?

The salad went limp? No. No, really,

Walter, I just wanted to tell you what a
great party it is. Look, Walter, do me

a favor. If you don't have anything bad
to say, keep quiet.

I really don't think that I need this
tranquilizer. Do you, Arthur?

Mother?

How do you think the party's going,
Carol?

Oh, it's a wonderful party. Everybody's
having a ball. A lot you know.

What was in that pill you just took? Oh,
Arthur just gave me a tranquilizer to

calm me down.

As if I needed it.

Give me the drink. No, no. No, you've
had no power in value. You can't have a

drink, too.

Did you hear a ding -dong?

Take my glass.

You know who that is? It's the
Fergusons. They're bringing the Kennys.

the ones who gave $5 ,000 to talk to
Julius La Rosa.

Well,

Mr. and Mrs.

Ferguson, and you, dear people, must be
the William Kennys.

Walter!

Walter, are the William Kennys loaded?

Oh, of course, dear, in the upstairs
bathroom below the sink, in

the cabinet to the right side.

Isn't it always the way, though?

You wait and wait and wait and then it
happens, right in the middle of a party.

Yes, and I still haven't found it. So
nice seeing you again.

You have another guest coming down the
stairs.

Let's do this.

Why, Mrs.

Dubonnet, there you are.

You disappeared. Everybody,

everybody, I'd like you to meet my very
dear friend, Mrs. Florida Dubonnet.

I guess.

Sorry, dear, I'd like you to meet Mr.

Ferguson, who was kind enough to bring
with him tonight Mr.

William Kenny.

Oh, the love.

drank a tumbler of scotch.

With all the pills in her, what could
happen?

With Maude?

Anything, Walter. Anything.

Fellow liberals!

Fellow liberals!

And Arthur.

May I have your attention, please?

First, I want to tell you that black
militant Jim Chambers will be here in...

I do want to tell you how very honored
my dear husband Walter and I are to have

you all in our home tonight.

Especially Mr. and Mrs. William Kenney.

And third, from Rodgers and
Hammerstein's immortal South Pacific,

my version of Some Enchanted Evening.

Some Enchanted

should have another announcement for
you, I'll let you know.

What I'll do is I'll probably shout,
announcement, announcement!

Thanks for your attention.

Walter, you deliberately interrupted my
speech to the ensemble.

What speech? You were beginning to sing
some enchanted evening.

Listen, Walter, I'm getting very worried
about Florida.

She's acting strange.

Is that so?

She thinks she's not Mrs. Dubonnet.

I will, as soon as I can get away.

One more thing, Walter.

I love you.

Now, leave me the hell alone.

Mrs. Dubonnet, you know, it's way past
12 minutes. Where is this Chambers

fellow?

Where is he?

Ladies and gentlemen, please, quiet,
quiet, folks.

He'll be here in less than four minutes.

While we're waiting, tell me, how many
of you have read his brand new book,

Us Colorado?

I read it, Marty.

You don't count on it. Oh, you say I
don't count. That's because you don't

everyone to know that Jim Chambers has
gone mad.

In his book, Give Us Colorado, he wants
the United States to give the entire

state of Colorado to the blacks.

Colorado?

Well,

isn't that where Aspen is? That's right.

Oh, what the hell with him?

Blacks don't ski.

Quiet,

quiet. Everybody, everybody, listen.

If you would really like to know about
Mr.

Chambers and the entire black experience
from an expert, allow me to present my

very dear friend and a true black
herself, Mrs.

Florida Dubonnet.

Now, let her through, because she's a
guest.

Florida, dear, before Mr. Chambers
comes, perhaps you would share with us

of your vast black experience.

What do you mean, share the black
experience? I am the black experience.

We know, Florida, but don't you agree
that there are some blacks who really

don't know who they are?

Maybe so.

But when they find out, it won't be at a
white cocktail party.

It seems to me that I've seen this Mrs.
Dubonnet somewhere before.

Maybe you ought to tell everybody who
she really is.

You want to know?

You really want to know?

Who is Mrs. Dubonnet, you ask?

I have a better question, Arthur Harmon.

Who is you?

I'm going to tell you who Mrs.

Dubonnet really is.

Maude. Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs.
Dubonnet is a visitor from a

far -off land.

She is a proud native of a newly
emerging black nation.

Yeah. Harlem.

And while we're on Harlem, I'd like to
get back to Mr. Jim Chambers.

Now, I saw him on the Cabot show, you
see, and he's one kind of guy.

Amiable, quiet, content.

But you read his book, Give Us Colorado,
and the man's a savage.

Yes, as a writer, but in a living room,
he's charming, particularly at a

fundraising party for him.

Fundraising party?

Did she say fundraising party?

There is nothing in my invitation that
says anything about fundraising. And

there was a very good reason for that,
Mr. Ferguson. If I had mentioned

fundraising, none of you would have
come.

Well, I'm tired of being invited to
parties and then getting my pockets

Oh, come on, Kenny. With a personality
like yours, why else would you be

invited?

Judy, I think it's time for us to leave.

And don't forget your purse.

Now, people, listen. Jim Chambers will
be here in one minute. Why don't we all

count down together?

Come on. Fifty -nine, fifty -eight,
fifty... See, you're not counting.

Fifty -five, fifty... This is all your
fault, Arthur.

My fault? Well, that's gratitude.

Good night, Walter.

Good night, Walter. I never want you
back in this house again. You ruined my

party. Three things ruined your party,
Marty.

Your deceit, your lies... and your
singing.

I hope your stethoscope gets stuck up
your ears.

I

found it.

Walter, where's Carol?

She drove Florida home.

Just the two of us.

What are we going to do, Walter?

Announcement. Announcement, Maud.

There's just one of us. I'm going to
bed.

What do you mean you're going to bed?
He's going to be here any minute.

An evening with Maude.

Good

morning.

Hi, honey.

How did it go last night?

Very well. I didn't even need you.

Oh? We had a long talk about his
lifestyle, his philosophy, and even

didn't agree with everything, it was
really fascinating.

So as far as I'm concerned, the evening
was a complete success.

And it was a complete success for Jim
Chambers, too.

It was?

He raised $1 ,000.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.