Original subtitles

Jesus! You just took years off my life.

I know the feeling.

I thought I heard something,

but I couldn't see anybody.

And there you are in the ultimate Saab.

Sit there. Get the feel of it.

Familiarize yourself with the layout.

How's that for driver environment?

What you just tiptoed quietly into

is the luxury end of our range.

- Is she fast? - [chuckles]

[revving loudly]

They find the cars themselves, the best salesmen.

Once behind the wheel,

few customers fail to appreciate

the combination of rugged, Swedish whole-weather engineering,

coupled with...

Exhilarating performance.

As you can see,

the cornering is quite exceptional with a large margin...

For Christ's sake!

You're in love with her.

I can tell, you're in love with her.

[brakes screeching]

Why don't we stop the car and talk a deal?

Make me an offer. Don't just drive the bloody thing,

make me an offer.

So, what are we doing here anyway?

This doesn't go anywhere, just to the quarry.

Are you from around these parts?

You do know about the quarry?

The quarry! The fucking great hole in the ground!

[panting]

Get out.

Try it without the seatbelt.

You're a lunatic.

I don't care if you never buy a sodding car!

Close the door.

What are you gonna do? What do you think you're gonna do?

Just close the door.

You know you're heading straight for a 200-foot drop?

With my car?

I'm gonna be repaying for this bastard for 900 years!

I...

Shit!

Ugh!

[breathing heavily]

Included in the package is a five-year rust-free guarantee.

Five years?

That, I'll buy.

Typical.

Slip a tube in your arm,

next thing you know, everyone's wearing tubes in their arms.

How long's he got?

No, Mr. Bancroft.

You know very well we don't talk about patients like that.

Come on, sister, I just want to know

if it's worth striking up a conversation.

Can you keep him going till he begins to bore me?

Some people walk out of here.

Yeah, you, and those two ladies

who bring around the library books.

God, those two!

You treat us like kamikaze pilots

till we go out in a blaze of chrysanthemum.

We ought to be surrounded by the fairest fornication has to offer.

Not those two enormous asses.

Two very kind ladies.

Yes, but they have to be.

I live in terror one of them's about to sit on me in bed.

Now you, on the other hand,

are a fine figure of a nursing sister.

- Behave yourself. - I don't say that lightly.

I spend long nights fantasizing about your medicinal properties.

Not sleeping. We must do something about that.

Oh, I'd be ever so grateful.

I'll put you down for an increased barbiturate.

I was thinking more along the lines

of maybe licking jam from off your nipples.

Even hospital jam. Can't say fairer than that.

[sighs]

Is that the best place you can find to take a pulse?

Isn't there something you could simply toy with for a while?

We're a little fast today.

[ward sister] More than a little fast today.

[sighs] Why haven't I died?

I feel so randy all the time.

What makes you think you're dying?

Your embarrassment with the word, for one thing.

Has he got the same?

He's got the same.

And please, don't be filling his head

with the idea that it's necessarily fatal.

Well, why don't we let him draw his own conclusions when he finds out he's dead.

Why are you determined to take the bleakest view?

Spoken to the doctor lately?

[ward sister] How are we doing, Mr. Lightowler?

Let's have a look at those dressings.

Why do you bother talking to him?

He's just a mindless lump of protein.

Who gave you the authority to determine that?

Took a course, did you? "Conversational cabbage."

Keep your voice down!

[Bancroft] What for? He can't hear you!

All he does is fart occasionally.

What kind of a basis is that for a relationship?

"Hello, Mr. Lightowler." [imitates farts]

"How are we today?" [imitates farts]

"Feeling better, are we?" [imitates farts]

[groans]

Is this one gonna be any better?

[loudly] Morning! Hi!

On behalf of your area health authority,

may we welcome you aboard this air-conditioned terminal ward.

[siren blaring]

[all speaking indistinctly]

Oh, man... Shit.

[ambulance siren blaring]

[woman on PA] Dr. Jones.

Dr. Jones.

When they call out your name, give them this.

[Bancroft] X-ray.

Just about the pits for entertainment.

No.

Informed opinion is unanimously destined you towards X-ray?

Fuck X-ray.

Where we going?

Where indeed...

are we headed, those of us with bone and marrow on a cosmic plain?

I applaud the logic of your question.

[Deckermensky] I'm supposed to be in X-ray.

There, now.

Isn't this nicer than whirling about dreary old X-ray?

You're fucking insane.

Hey!

Hey, come on!

Shit!

Who wheeled you up there?

[Bancroft] Well, I'd like to answer.

[ward sister] Who left you on the roof, Mr. Deckermensky?

It was a damn fool thing to do.

You have no obligation to protect that person.

[Deckermensky] It was a man.

Well, who was it?

[Deckermensky] I never saw his face.

I think it was the masked fucking bandit.

Came across the masked bandit, did we?

He's a freak head, totally batshit!

I ever get any muscle back,

I'm gonna break his fucking arms!

Way to go, kid.

Beats feeling pathetic.

Carol, hi.

It's your friendly dead person. Don't hang up.

I'm not contagious.

Especially not over the sodding phone.

How am I?

Oh, nice of you to ask, naturally.

Fine.

Just thought I'd call you,

and we could talk dirty for a while.

- [phone hangs up] - Carol!

I put your orange juice on the table.

[speaks indistinctly]

No, no, your orange juice.

- Hey, Jarvis. - It's here, look.

Don't knock it ov... Over.

What are you doing on your feet?

I'm looking for a quick bed bath.

If you're on your feet, you don't need a bed bath.

Not for me. For you.

Come back when you're stronger.

Should be your motto for the day, Jarvis.

"Make love to a terminal."

- We're not listening, are we, Mr. Singleton? - [Singleton] Yes.

As long as you like it fast, no messy after-entanglements.

Support your local terminals.

Shall I change your program?

Cook with cheese.

I don't think he cares.

Ah, not to worry.

Tell him they found this new cure for senility, it's called dying young.

You're a sod.

You take advantage of me.

You're a gorgeous sod, but you're a sod.

And you're unprofessional, Jarvis.

You're too much woman and too little uniform.

You bite your nails. You've had a scandalous private life.

Not scandalous, just inefficient.

Well, you've got a real flair for the wrong men.

Every time.

Go back to bed.

Not possible. I've got this full social calendar.

I've got a scan at 10:30, medication at 1:00,

and I'll put you down for a grope at 3:15.

You'll get me fired.

A bit of remedial lechery.

'Cause no one does it like you.

[TV playing indistinctly]

[sighs]

[speaking indistinctly]

Where the hell have you been?

Just been to town to see a movie.

Not a very good movie.

Kind of a neo-realist wet dream.

They let you go downtown?

No one lets me go. I go.

A hawk requires no permission from the pigeons.

You're full of shit. You've just been around the block.

We shall see, laddy. We shall see.

[moaning]

It hurts?

You know what hurts more?

I gotta take a leak in this goddamn bottle.

How come you're here, an American?

We were on tour

playing football. I play pro.

I used to play pro ball.

American football.

- What, all those padded things? - Yeah.

We were playing Germany and my bones began to ache.

Thing is, you play football, your bones are always aching,

so what did I know?

Till we get over here, and I fall apart.

So what do you do when you're not wearing funny noses?

Solicitor.

What?

Lawyer.

Jesus!

You mean there are guys

that need you to keep them out of jail?

- [laughs] - Mmm-hmm.

I hate that goddamn bottle.

I used to piss like a horse, you know, like any guy should.

Then go to the toilet.

It's just down the corridor.

I can't make it to the toilet.

Oh, well.

If you're just going to lie about all the time...

What do you need, a helmet and pads?

Screw you.

[softly] Shit.

Come on. Shit.

[panting]

I used to be a jock.

I spent my life working out.

[groaning]

Oh, Jesus!

Pissed my pants.

Shit!

Just see where we are.

On the floor in our own urine.

Do you see why you need this thing?

It's the only muscle left.

You ruined my pajamas, you dumb bastard.

Well, if you're gonna get picky about every little thing.

[both chuckling]

No! No!

[sighs] Oh!

Hope to God you like chocolate biscuits.

Who is that behind there?

That is Mr. Lightowler.

Well-known cabbage.

Does he always have screens?

Mr. Lightowler always has screens.

In case they have to shade him from that fucking bathrobe.

I like to think of Mr. Lightowler as a kind of missile in its silo.

Whose bed is that?

We have a vacancy.

I told them, be like the airlines, double book.

They come and go. Flighty breed, the dying. Here one minute...

gone the next.

[Lightowler farts]

Does he do that a lot?

It's his one little vanity.

He likes to give the impression he's still alive.

Oh, Jesus!

Impressive, isn't it?

And, I believe, undetectable by radar.

You mustn't begrudge him his little pleasures.

That's the last post he's blowing on the tailing sphincter.

You can't leave it here.

Oh, they always say that.

Oi, can't leave it there.

Oh.

These places are required in case of medical emergency.

All right, all right.

Let's see if we can come to some suitable arrangement.

Keep your flipping money.

These places are reserved for medical personnel only.

[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]

Did you have to offer him money?

Money talks.

Mmm-hmm, I saw how smoothly it talks.

They see the Jag, it brings out the Trotsky in them.

Hello, darling.

It isn't AIDS, Mother.

It'll be a death you can be proud of.

Don't be silly.

You mustn't think of me as sitting here

exuding corrosive puffs of vile bio-chemistry.

Don't talk like that.

The truth is, we are the ones who are vulnerable to the least infection.

You could annihilate me

with that half-hearted kiss.

He talks to me sometimes

as if he's the parent and I'm the child.

- How are you, son? - Oh, put it away.

He has no wish to be impressed with your wrestling grip.

You're looking good.

He is, you know.

He's looking good.

She just insulted you. Don't you care?

Don't you even hear it anymore?

It's just her way. She's worried about you.

I don't understand this cruelty.

You're an expert.

You have to make allowances, Vivian.

For what?

[Walter] Well, for his drugs and things.

I can think of no excuse

for deliberately hurtful behavior.

Well, I think he's looking better.

Do you think he's looking better?

Spoken to Carol lately?

She sends her love.

Oh, that's a neat idea.

Sending it, so much more hygienic than making it.

All that physical contact.

Christ!

I'm not even unsightly yet.

Your father tells me you've got someone your own age.

That's nice.

Yeah.

I'll bet he thinks it's marvelous.

His folks have just flown in to celebrate.

You know what I mean.

[Walter] They seem friendly here.

Except for the parking.

[Byron chuckles]

We've been talking to people,

and there are things they can do once we get you home.

They're doing everything here, Dad.

Here? What do... What do they know here?

I know these guys. I was here in World War II. They had no bathrooms.

They've got bathrooms now.

He looks thinner.

- [Deckermensky] I'm okay, Ma. - Sure he's thinner.

These people eat the weirdest shit.

- Oh, Byron. - Oh, who's listening?

Why don't you come? Right now. We'll get you home.

I already talked to Pan Am. They'll take good care of you.

[chuckles]

Soon as I bounce back, let the team do it.

Once they finish the tour, I'll fly back with them.

Well, they used to think Spam was a luxury item.

Can you believe that?

[sobs]

God damn Spam.

[continues sobbing]

Maureen!

Came as soon as I got your letter.

Oh...

I didn't expect you to come.

I just wanted to tell somebody.

Have you told anybody else?

No!

Hazel, listen to...

- Little black hairs. - What?

- They all leave little wiry black hairs... - No, listen.

Even if they're blond, they leave little wiry black hairs.

Makes you wonder how they do it.

- Hazel! - Unless they smuggle them in with their luggage.

- Sit down a minute. - Are you going to shout at me?

- Hazel! - You're going to shout at me.

I'm not going to shout at you.

Well, I know who will.

My dad will.

He'll kill me, Maureen.

- You haven't told him? - I didn't tell him.

How can I tell him?

'Cause he thinks you never go out with fellows?

Well, I do.

You know I do.

You shouldn't think like that.

You're not unattractive...

If you do yourself up.

I'm a nine-foot freak.

So how come you're a pregnant nine-foot freak?

Maureen, keep your voice down!

[screams]

[Deckermensky coughing]

If you were free to go,

where would you really want to go?

[continues coughing]

[water flushing]

You mean around here?

I mean anywhere.

If you were fit and randy.

Well, I am fit and randy.

- That'll do. - Uh... Amsterdam.

Amsterdam?

I played football there once.

They got a whorehouse there

you could spend your life in.

It's five floors.

It's like a fucking parking garage.

Sounds like a place one could spend one's remission in.

[groans]

[sighs] Oh,

my good day is getting worse again.

You think that's worse?

Wonder if you're ready for how "worse"...

it's gonna be.

[kids speaking indistinctly]

- I do not. - Oh, oh.

Hey, get in the queue. Don't push.

I don't think I could have an abortion.

I'd never be able to walk past another mother carrying a pram.

So what was he like?

Well, I suppose you'd describe him as older.

Oh, God!

No, no, it wasn't like that.

He's not married.

He's divorced.

- Oh, Hazel. - Hs wife was a bitch.

Surprise, surprise.

He's a gentleman, Maureen!

He's not a flash.

He wears glasses.

His hair's going a bit thin.

Sounds magic.

Where'd you meet this saintly figure?

Room 18.

Jesus! How long for?

Six weeks.

It wasn't a one-night job. What'd you think I am?

He was over here on a course.

What you mean "over here"?

- Well, he's foreign. - Oh, shit.

[Deckermensky] Where the hell are you taking me?

[Bancroft] You have other appointments?

Whoa, easy.

- You never went to school, I suppose? - [car honks]

I finished high school, asshole.

Someplace they let you home every night.

You never really went to school,

the English boarding school.

[Bancroft] Alcatraz without the view.

We did hard time there.

Towards the end of my stretch,

in a full flower of raging puberty,

a few of us founded...

an escape committee.

A handful of dedicated wankers

with outstanding grades and acne.

We called ourselves "the Hawks."

The rest of the world were pigeons.

You can't steer a chair worth shit.

[people speaking indistinctly]

Whoa, you can't come in here, mate.

You want us to break his arm?

Patience, chunky American.

I know it's Saturday night, but let's not overdo it, huh?

Little word in your ear?

This is Elton John's spiritual advisor.

Get lost.

[loudly] Do I take it this establishment

refuses admission to disabled persons?

Now, how would you like

a little protest demo out there on the pavement?

Forty people in wheelchairs,

attracting press and public attention to

your scandalous lack of public spirit.

[all applauding]

Teach you to fuck with my lawyer.

I mean solicitor.

[electronic music playing]

[people laughing]

Are you ready for a game?

What kind of a game?

Card game.

All right.

What I've got here, one on each card,

is the description of the kind of symptoms

we've got coming to us in the course of our little joust with God, bless her.

[sarcastically] Sounds like a fun game.

Oh, once you've seen them,

you may feel inclined to join me,

and we can go.

How the hell can we go anywhere?

We get a period of remission.

Treatment's nearly over.

- Where do we go? - Anywhere!

I'm offering you terminal tours,

lazy days, dying somewhere exotic.

- Look, I can't even walk. - I'll wheel you.

Till you can walk, I'll wheel you.

Sounds like a jolly holiday.

All right, don't decide now.

Wait till you've seen what's in the cards.

Gypsy Rose Bancroft is about to lay out your future for you.

Whatever happened to ignorance is bliss?

I think it really rather depends on how much you wanna know.

I wanted to know.

I've heard it stiffens the resolve to get the fuck out

before they start pulling 'round the screens.

I always lose at cards.

I'm not gonna force them on you.

You can stop any time.

As soon as you've got a hand that's full enough for you.

As soon as your bowels turn to mush.

Some other time.

I don't talk shop Saturday night.

♪♪ Crying, dying All you gotta do is ♪♪

♪♪ Get in the middle Of a chain reaction ♪♪

♪♪ You get a medal When you're lost in action ♪♪

♪♪ I wanna get Your love all ready ♪♪

♪♪ For the sweet sensation Instant radiation ♪♪

♪♪ You let me hold you For the first explosion ♪♪

- It should be reported. - They'll be back.

It's a game they play.

Well, they won't play it again.

I shall hide their clothes.

[instrumental music playing]

No, thanks. No more. We're good.

Your good health.

Okay, smartass. Get out the cards.

Put on your nose.

- What? - Funny nose.

You need the funny nose.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

- Not without the nose. - Why, for Christ's sake?

Because that's what it's for.

I feel stupid.

You look stupid.

[chuckles]

That's our red badge of courage, you clown.

If we can wear that, we can take what's coming.

Want another card, you'll have to ask for it.

When's this going to happen?

It marks the end of the remission.

Give me another card.

Give me another one.

Come on.

Jesus Christ.

I'm not going to wait around for that to happen.

My sentiments exactly.

We go.

- You know what, you can shove those... - Don't worry.

By then, they'll keep us sedated.

We'll be so squirrely in our head, we'll just be a couple of zombies.

Let me get this straight.

You're proposing that I wheel you up to the roof so you can take a dive?

Would you keep your voice down!

I'm not gonna dive. I'm just gonna jump. Nothing fucking stylish.

No way.

I won't do it.

It's highly immoral.

If you're gonna act like a prick, I'll just crawl.

You said, "Let's do something about it."

Yeah, not that. Forget it.

Anything's better than lying around waiting for it.

That's what you said.

What I had in mind was us getting the hell out of here!

It is getting out of here.

You can jump too.

Screw you.

Shit.

Here.

On top of medication?

Worried about your health?

I'm worried about throwing up.

You really wanna jump sober?

I really wanna jump.

[door opens]

[Bancroft] Why this obsession with the roof?

Why not just take you outside and wheel you under a truck?

[Deckermensky] A truck for Christ's sake!

What would I look like under a truck?

[Bancroft] You're appallingly vain.

[Deckermensky] Well, I've got a good body.

- [laughing] - I'd like to keep it that way.

[Deckermensky] Hey, don't fall off!

What a view!

Aim for about here.

Sure you've got everything?

For going off a roof, what the fuck do I need?

- What about the note? - What note?

You can't do it without leaving a note.

Shit.

Forget it.

If I pass a phone on the way, I'll call.

[both laughing]

Oh, come on, I can't walk from back here.

Then do it in the wheelchair.

Jump off a roof in a wheelchair?

I'd look like a fool.

[laughs]

- You still think I'm kidding. - I think you're wrong.

Who asked you?

See? Sulky.

Suicide makes you sulky.

What kind of a way to go is that?

I'm not sulky.

You're sulky! All suicides are sulky.

That's what it is, the ultimate sulk.

You're full of shit, Bancroft.

You're just not facing where we're at.

No problem. It's gonna catch up with me soon enough.

Real soon for me.

Is that it, then?

You're just going to go like this?

In a bad mood.

I wasn't in a bad mood.

You wanna pack suicide in, it's just gonna depress you.

Get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

Nice attitude.

Say hello to Jarvis for me.

Need a push?

No, I don't need a push.

I can do this.

[tires screech]

[exhales]

Is that what you need, laddy?

A little help from your friend.

[gasps]

[screams] No!

I could have been killed.

Stupid fuck!

Right.

Come on.

[both laughing]

[elevator dinging]

[wheels squeaking]

Where have you two been?

Just out for some fresh air.

He, uh, dropped off.

Go to your beds.

[snickering]

Where's old Lightowler?

We don't know what he looks like.

Check the feet for their label.

It's like a supermarket.

- Go on then, check the feet. - Why me?

Because they're nearer your eye level.

Experienced roof leaper like you,

should be able to handle a few feet.

"Handle"?

Look, I'll read the label, but there's no way I'm gonna handle it.

It's him.

Are you sure it's him?

"Lightowler, Gerald."

- "Gerald"? - Read it.

You think you know someone, and it turns out his feet are called Gerald.

- Wanna see his face? - No.

No.

It's important we keep him as he was.

Lightowler, a man of mystery.

Man of a thousand faces.

We're gonna swear an oath.

- What kind of an oath? - A sacred oath.

On Lightowler's feet.

Take hold of one solemnly,

and repeat after me.

Oh, Jesus!

Get hold of it.

If he farts now, I'll die!

Raise your foot and repeat after me.

I do solemnly swear...

I do solemnly swear...

- By these feet called Gerald... - By these feet called Gerald...

to kick and struggle before I die.

- Agreed? - Agreed.

To be a Black Knight of the Sick Joke,

a notorious awkward bastard medically.

- Agreed. - To banish self-pity,

and to buckle on the arms of laughter.

Right.

And thus, as Hawks accoutered,

to embark upon a nightly quest

to slay all pigeons

that would bar our paths to Amsterdam

in search of whores of the lewdest countenance.

- I do so swear... - Amsterdam?

Five floors of fornication.

That's what you wanted, isn't it?

- Right. - Then say, "I do so swear."

Then I do so swear.

[ambulance siren blaring]

[Deckermensky] We can't steal one of these.

[Bancroft] We're borrowing it, that's all.

Look, I ask you, who's more entitled to an ambulance, hmm?

[Deckermensky] That's true.

[Bancroft] Now, comb your hair and fasten your pajamas.

Before we leave for Amsterdam,

we're gonna make a little detour.

[photographer] All right, closer together. Nice big smiles now.

A bit further back, Alex.

There we are.

And smile.

[brakes screech]

[people speaking indistinctly]

Bride and groom.

Carol!

Oh, my God!

[man 1] What is going on over there?

[all speaking indistinctly]

[knocking at door]

[all clamoring]

Congratulations.

Carol!

Carol!

You could have hung around a while longer!

Bitch!

There was great rejoicing after my last urine sample.

I don't wish to boast,

but bits of me are much in demand in laboratory circles.

Hello, guy.

Mr. Granger.

Is that my daughter in there?

Yes.

Well, why don't we go and have a drink?

[sighs]

She embarrassed me now.

I'll make her a widow in a few months.

It's a fair offer.

She'll look... She'll look great in black.

[sobbing]

[woman] Dear, don't cry.

He was fun when he was well.

[woman] Of course.

But I'm not meant for this.

[piano music playing]

[people speaking indistinctly]

By the time she was 11,

she already had her mother's capacity as a ball-breaker.

[sighs] Both of my women are killers.

Great tits, though.

Oh, true. Mmm.

God help us.

Probably wondering about the sex life of people in wheelchairs.

Like what do they do and how do they do it?

Well, I've been employed by the Wheelchair Institute

of Newark, New Jersey to give demonstrations.

Do you have time for one, or are you just gonna be

- hanging around this reception all day? - No. Thank you.

We can start off easy. Something with the brakes still on.

[Deckermensky] You ready to go?

Thanks, Mr. Granger.

Forget her.

You want my advice? Forget her.

Come on.

Whatever happened to the Black Knights of the Sick Joke?

You don't see that on a coat of arms every day.

[chuckles]

[static buzzing on TV]

It's your last night in England.

Who needs television? Forget it.

There's an absurd rumor

that it's supposed to be included in the price. Color television.

It said so at the desk.

No word about wiggly lines and screens leaping about!

Fucking towels are threadbare.

We are not going to die in some cheap room. I'll promise you that.

Yeah, I'd like to go first class.

[muffled] I mean it.

You'll feel better in the morning, when we get on the ferry.

[muffled] Yes, I'll feel better in the morning, when we get on the ferry.

Come on, lighten up.

- You swore an oath on Lightowler's feet. - I know. I know.

Yeah, well, what happened to all that hot shit?

You're lying there like some muffin with a fatal disease.

Well, I am some muffin with a fatal disease.

In a wheelchair?

You let him go wandering in a wheelchair?

You didn't try to stop him?

Stop him?

Made me wheel him down every bleedin' step, didn't he.

- [cars honking] - [people clamoring]

- [man 1] I'll wheel him up. - [man 2] Out of the way, boys.

[woman 1] Get out. Go on, get out of here.

Oh, piss off.

And where have you been?

Don't sweat it, man. It's therapy time.

Look what I bought for ya.

- For me? - Yeah. Meet Regina.

One whore to go.

Hey, who you calling a whore?

You take money for sexual purposes.

Not to be fucking insulted.

Hold it. Hold it.

Can I have a word in private with my colleague?

Have what you like, dear.

Within reason.

Come on, get rid of her.

Don't be a pain, man.

You were acting kinda down since the wedding.

I figured you needed something.

She must be 90!

Yeah, she's a young 90.

Listen, look, I'm lucky to find anything at this hour.

How lucky can you get?

It's just a going-away gift, okay?

She's on me.

Well, she's not fucking getting on me.

[screams] Hey! No, you don't!

He promised me a bed.

In addition to my usual honorarium

-He's of low mental capacity. We'll get you a taxi. -Huh?

After he picked me up in his wheelchair?

What, you think that would do to a girl's image,

being picked up by a wheelchair?

You think I'm gonna be turned down by one now?

Oi!

You want to start something, shitface, I'm gonna start screaming.

Come on, you.

[grunting]

Will one of you pricks give a lady a hand here?

[chuckles]

[groans] Mind if I take my boots off?

[both] No.

Don't take anything off.

Are you all right? You're attractive.

Oh, it's just my feet are killing me.

Listen,

before we start.

You don't think you could get room service

to whip up a sandwich and a few beers?

Yes.

Get her a meal,

get her a big meal.

I see you got a color telly.

- It's not working. - Why don't you get it fixed?

That's a good idea, why don't we get it fixed?

There's a late movie.

It needs a screwdriver, we haven't got a screwdriver.

I've got a screwdriver.

What's she doing that she needs a screwdriver?

Here.

Hello, room service, please.

I knew a guy once,

did this for a living.

What, prostitution?

No, you daft twat, TV repair.

He made good money.

Used to keep my set in tip top condition.

[exhales]

Used to love to show me how things worked.

Pissed off with me daughter, didn't he?

Loved to show her how things worked.

Oh, don't talk like that.

How do you want me to talk?

Through a conventional stiff upper lip?

Jolly good luck, may the best man win,

I'll send you a cake stand for your new home.

[woman on TV] David, I can't bear it.

[man on TV] I have loved you for a long time, pet. You've been a large part of my life

and I've trusted you all along the line.

- [sniffling] - [woman on TV] But David, it's always been you, David,

always, until now.

I know I'm hurting you but you've just got to understand.

Look, I know it's not up to me to tell you

how to arrange your love life,

but shouldn't you be in the other bed?

Shush!

Shush.

[sniffles]

[Regina singing indistinctly]

[ship horn blaring]

What are you doing?

I don't need the goddamn wheelchair.

- You're gonna fall down a lot. - So, I fall down a lot.

Want a stick?

Screw the stick.

I don't want anything that makes me look like a sickie.

I was an athlete, man, I was fast.

I had the legs on that team.

Hi, guys.

- Here. - Ah.

- Rolex. - Rolex?

[bicycle bell ringing]

[chuckles]

You can use it to lean on, can't you?

Doesn't look like a walking stick. You can wheel it.

Yeah.

[chuckles]

It's not bad.

[laughs]

Yeah.

[chuckles]

You think they'll let me in a brothel with a bike?

Cyclists are highly respected on the continent.

In whorehouses, I mean, in the Paradise.

Of course.

We'll tell them you're an American ace.

That's a fair description.

Bike goes everywhere for sentimental reasons.

They'll love that at the Paradise,

it shows I've got heart.

Whores like people with heart.

What whores like is people with money.

Stop the ambulance.

- What for? - Back up, back up.

Oh, you mean, you didn't see them?

Females in distress.

There are two little round asses back there.

- In distress? - Yeah, the car was broken down,

they were bending over in that great, confused female way.

Get the bike.

- Get the bike. - That's the way,

- play it cool. - Oh, come on,

just get the lousy bike.

[chattering indistinctly]

We gotta strike while the situation's hot.

Listen, I'll handle the body language.

You come in from time to time with something fascinating in French.

We're in Holland, what makes you think they're French?

Just an instinct I have.

Not only French, but unattractive.

What are you talking about "unattractive"?

From here, they look unattractive.

[Deckermensky] Mine looks okay.

If it's French, you can't pass it up.

They have centuries of tradition

in the arts of sexual foreplay.

That's the Indians.

Okay, you wait for your squaw, I'll take what's available.

You're right, they're unattractive.

[woman 1] Oi.

We don't need your soddin' ambulance, you know.

Just a mechanic.

Some French.

Oh, my God, how are we gonna make 'em understand?

[in French accent] Ambulance, no.

Um, mechanic, si.

Car is kaput.

Finito, you know, um,

knackered?

Oh, my God. Would you just not stand there?

Can you just say something?

Can you pay attention, what's the matter?

Oh, my God, he's gorgeous.

It's true what they say about foreigners.

Did you ever see anything more gorgeous

in your whole life?

Hazel, you're on your way to meet Rolf.

[Maureen] Yes, I know I'm on my way to meet.

Yeah, well, you picked a hell of a time

to go bananas for somebody.

Well, maybe this time,

for just one last fling before I settle down.

Hazel, you've never had a fling in your life.

- I know, but... - Well, you're not the type.

I know.

[sighs] I'm a virgin once removed.

Well, maybe twice.

Aye, when was twice?

Never you mind when was twice.

- Is my hair all right? - Yeah, it's fine.

Just simmer down.

[chuckles]

Well, come on then, Hazel, tell us when was twice?

[chuckles]

He speaks English.

Oh, my God, he's heard every word I said.

[Maureen laughing]

Turn your face, stop looking at me.

[sighs]

[whirring]

Oh, no.

So that's knackered as well.

[mechanic speaking other language]

Oh, so can I have it today?

Today?

We're going to Amsterdam.

We're gonna make it to Amsterdam.

We have the whole day to take advantage

of the situation here.

Let me level with you.

I wouldn't mind screwing the chunky one.

We'll call it the whim of a dying man.

I'm a jock, we screw anything.

It's the warrior's creed.

[speaking other language]

[Maureen] Look, can I just have it today, yes? Today?

Nice legs, that Hazel.

Look at the length of them, like a fucking giraffe.

[both laughing]

Just great.

Well, it's gonna be tomorrow now, at least,

and I have to be back home tomorrow because it's my job.

Well, where are you heading?

[sighs] Uh, Hazel?

Hazel!

Oh! [chuckles] Got it written down somewhere.

Hold.

Here it is.

Her fiance lives there.

Maureen, you don't have to tell everybody.

Look, we can take you as far as Amsterdam,

find you a hotel.

- Where are you two staying? - The Paradise.

Oh.

That sounds like a nice hotel. Sorry.

Maybe we could all stay there.

It's full.

But I'm sure we can find you something.

But, look, it's early, I mean, we got the whole day.

Hmm.

[yelps]

- Sorry. - It's all right.

God.

Look, tell you what you do.

[sighs]

Why don't you just stand here?

Come here.

Right here.

On this spot here.

That's it.

Here?

And don't move.

Just stay there.

- I'm only trying to help. - You're going to help.

Just stay there.

And peel the skin of this salami,

like this, see?

You've got long fingers and good nails.

You'll be all right.

I can do that.

Fingers.

Just stay there.

Don't move.

Till I'm finished.

Right.

[gasps]

It's all right, he's one of us.

- Why don't you sell tickets? - No, it's... Maureen, he...

You had to come stomping in?

Lunch is ready.

Yeah, well, it couldn't wait two minutes?

I didn't realize you were in conference, Doctor.

Well, I told her we're both doctors.

She wanted to know why we had an ambulance.

- And she let you talk her into... - It wasn't easy.

Don't knock it, I may call you in for a second opinion.

[sighs] Ah, shit.

Can we do something?

Something ordinary.

So we don't look like cripples?

[laughing]

[both laughing]

[all cheering]

[both laughing]

[both yelping]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[inaudible]

[yelps]

[laughing]

In America, it's against the law for men to feed themselves,

so women are actually supposed to pull the grapes off of them to feed them.

I don't really know how to eat myself,

so could you...

Yeah, one at a time.

What are you doing with an ambulance?

We're mad scientists, it's a fringe benefit.

Do you like blondes or brunettes?

Ambulances?

Females.

I suppose basically what I'm asking is

how do you feel about mousy?

You don't have to answer that either.

I know how you feel about mousy,

I know how everybody feels about mousy.

Especially me. [sighs]

[chuckles]

I like your shoes.

You have really nice shoes.

In my job, I get to see a lot of shoes,

they leave them all scattered about.

You're not really a doctor, are you?

No.

Maureen said you weren't.

Him neither.

No.

He's just a keen amateur.

What's wrong?

What?

Sometimes you look...

Really sad.

Mind your own business, Hazel.

I'm not trying to pry.

If you want me to go,

just tell me to go.

Do you know what the most terrifying thing in the world is?

How beautiful things are.

[sniffles] It can tear you to pieces.

[sobbing]

I hated seeing him go.

There's something wrong.

I wish I could've been a comfort to him.

Will you keep your mind on what we came here for?

That's tomorrow.

A lot could happen before tomorrow.

But I bet it won't.

Not unless we give it a push.

Don't know about you, Maureen,

but I feel like getting really dressed up

and going out somewhere.

Like where?

The Hotel Paradise.

What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, man, I've seen some beaver shots,

- but that was... - You were expecting Mary Poppins.

What are you scared of?

Her thighs, man,

I'd never come out alive from thighs like that.

- People do. - Europeans, maybe.

Mmm.

[chuckles]

I like a steak, you know, I just don't like it raw,

a little dressing.

There are whores for all tastes, ya twit,

except the romantic.

- Guess we made it, huh? - Didn't we, though.

Now...

I expect you to crash in there,

go through all five floors with the elan expected of a racing cyclist.

He frowns at the gates of Paradise?

And why does he frown?

Think it's such a great idea?

- It was your idea. - I know. I know.

They're not all going to be like that hammer thrower back there.

There are elegant, beautiful women in a good brothel.

Hello, do you have a bit of time?

[laughing]

- Hi. - Jesus!

[laughing]

Rang your bell, did she?

She could play tunes on the organ, you wouldn't believe.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go for a little walk around the block, huh,

- I gotta think about this. - [sighs]

[chattering indistinctly]

Hey, why should we pay?

We're not staying the night,

we're just looking for two fellas.

No, no, no, no.

- Come back here immediately. - [rings bell]

Sir, excuse me.

Oh, hello, you're very...

[grunts]

[coughs]

- Are you all right? - [Maureen] Hazel!

Two French girls, get them.

[exclaims and sighs]

[man] Hi.

Do you wanna join us?

Excuse me.

[speaking in other language]

[sighs]

Hazel, Hazel.

Hazel.

[guards yelling]

We came all this damned way.

We're having a good time, aren't we?

Look, I just figure we're gonna do better

with the type of girls not likely to be coming out of that door.

[both screaming]

- It's all your fault. - How am I supposed to know...

[speaking in foreign language]

Hey. [speaking indistinctly]

[girls arguing indistinctly]

[both laughing]

[siren wailing]

- [people speaking indistinctly] - [phone ringing]

Excuse me. Excuse me.

They're here.

Hello, I'm your doctor, take your clothes off.

So you didn't go to your fancy place then?

Nah, we just decided to stay with friendly faces.

See? Told you they weren't the type.

Love the dress, Hazel.

[chuckles]

Looks terrible.

Looked all right in the shop.

- Well, don't go on about it. - You said it looked all right in the shop.

- It's all right. - He doesn't like it.

[Deckermensky] Of course he likes it, he's crazy about it.

Does it matter?

So, what are we all drinking?

Okay, so this is where we are.

And where does your boyfriend live?

I'm sorry.

- Hazel. - Mmm-hmm?

Will you get rid of the shrubbery?

Don't pick on her.

It's like lying in a fucking ambush.

- Language. - It's all right, I'll take it off.

I hate it anyway.

So where is it you wanna go?

Oh, it's, um...

Can't pronounce it.

See? Even golden balls can't pronounce it.

[laughing]

Well, we'll look it up in the index.

It's no good, it won't come off.

There's nothing I can do about the flower, it won't come off.

Just in case anybody's interested.

- There it is. - Is it far?

It is from Amsterdam.

- It's all right, we can take you. - We got that many days?

Listen, I wouldn't ask you,

but it's important.

[Bancroft] What's so important?

It's personal, keep your voice down.

She's pregnant.

You told them.

I asked you not to tell anybody.

You mean,

that's why you're here?

- To find the father? - [Maureen] Yes.

You mean, there's some poor touched sod in this unpronounceable town

who's unaware he's about to get a pregnant eight-foot-tall flower pot

dumped on his doorstep?

- Ah, might've known you'd think it was funny. - [laughing]

Well, that's what we came here for.

Looking for funny, I've tried the alternative

and I don't like it, I'm sorry, but I'm for funny.

Well, why didn't you say?

We'll not only take you, we'll take you to the door.

Hell, just to see his face.

It's gonna be his lucky day, surprise, surprise.

See who's at the door in Dutch, will you?

"Of course, ja,

it's, um, the, the...

Mabel, isn't it?"

- [laughing] - Oh, God.

Hazel, Hazel.

Of course, we are, it's Hazel,

good old Hazel.

Of course, you are, it's...

Hazel, all right.

My, what a big girl.

[in sing-song voice] And what brings you here, liebchen, all the way

from the good, old UK?

Ta-da.

So he knows you're pregnant, so what?

So I just wish you hadn't told him, that's all.

So, I've got a big mouth.

[sobbing] Will you stop butting into everything?

I was trying to get us a lift, wasn't I?

He thinks I'm a joke.

- [gasps] - Oh, God.

- Oh... - Just...

Just leave, I'll do it myself.

- [sobs] - He doesn't think you're a joke.

No.

Just an above average, pregnant, tall girl

trying to pack her knickers in a suitcase.

[sobbing]

You shouldn't begrudge him a laugh.

You think you're a joke?

- [thunder rumbling] - You want a real laugh?

[inaudible]

What?

No.

Oh.

[thunder claps]

[sobbing]

[rain pattering]

[thunder claps]

[sighs]

The Netherlands

A large portion of whose surface area

is below sea level.

It's a country I dearly adapted for feeling depressed.

If there's a depression around here, it's you.

I think I'm gonna write to Carol proposing marriage.

Again?

In times of depression, I always write to Carol

- proposing marriage. - [sighs] Christ, man.

Try suicide, it's quicker.

Not the way you do it.

She's a bitch.

That woman's a bitch.

Only when she's on her feet.

When she's off her feet, she's...

[sighs]

Below average, to tell you the truth.

She makes love

as if she'd rather have gloves on.

Why do we fall for women like that?

Well, now that you've faced it, what are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna write to Carol proposing marriage.

Shit.

You know why, don't you?

Why you're attracted to that closed-up bitch?

It's because you're two of a kind.

It's not death that you're all closed-up from.

It's life.

That pregnant eight-foot kid offers you more warmth

than you can handle.

I'm reading you, Bancroft.

Life scares the shit out of you.

[scoffs] Spare me the philosophy.

I'm gonna go see Maureen.

I need some warmth.

[door closes]

To his room?

You think I should go to his room?

If I'm staying here, you can't stay in this room.

What?

Hey.

[chuckles] I want to have a bath and get changed.

That's a good idea.

- Do it in his room. - No...

[knocking at door]

Maureen.

Can you pass my new things?

They're on the dressing table.

Maureen.

Does he know I'm not very good at this?

For Christ's sake, Hazel, just do your best.

Just as long as he realizes, I mean...

I just want to be nice for Bancroft.

If he has any damn sense, he'll appreciate it.

Maureen.

I guess I'm going.

- Duty calls. - [chuckles]

Oh!

[knocking at door]

Bloody hell.

Sorry.

I wanted to look nice.

Well, it's different.

[sniffles]

Please, can I use your bathroom?

[door closes]

Wanted to give you a night to remember.

I'll remember.

Honest to God.

I'll remember.

"My darling..."

[tapping]

You don't have to knock to come out of the bathroom.

Now what's the matter?

I think you're lovely, Bancroft.

[sniffles]

[door closes]

Bancroft.

[Bancroft] Now what?

Can you turn the light out?

You want to be in total darkness?

Just till we get to know each other.

It's out, it's out.

[sighs]

I'm coming out now.

I should bloody well hope you are after all that build up.

I just want everything to be nice.

Ow! Oh.

- [groaning] - Jesus Christ.

[gasps]

God.

The length of your legs.

Please put the light out.

You'll only walk into the furniture.

[sighs]

You don't like what I'm wearing, do ya?

No, it's very...

Honeymoon.

Why don't you save it for that what's his face?

Well, I was going to.

He's not gonna know it's been used once, is he?

Please, put the light out.

You think you're the one that needs the light out?

[breath trembling]

Why don't we put out the light?

We don't have to.

[chuckles nervously]

[sighing]

- Don't normally wear stuff like this. - That's fine.

- Is it the fur? - Don't worry about it.

I've never paid as much for anything in this line before.

Can you put your knees down?

Sorry.

I don't know who the chambermaid is, around here

but that's a really clean bathroom.

I like a clean bathroom.

Who are you writing to?

Just a girl I'm gonna marry.

Is she standing by you?

Is that what girls are supposed to do?

Well, if they're any good.

Nah, she couldn't get away fast enough.

Do you want me to hold you?

If you promise not to break anything.

[laughs]

I'll look after you tonight.

After that, it's up to her.

[coughing]

- [coughing] - What's wrong?

What's the matter?

[coughs]

I think your fur's coming out.

Oh, God. [laughs and sniffles]

- Oh. - [chuckles]

No need to worry.

Big day for some Dutchman, huh?

Finds this pregnant eight-foot flowerpot on his doorstep.

He could do worse.

You had a good night?

Yeah.

I had a very good night.

[laughing] Jesus Christ.

[all laughing]

Kneel down.

Look.

- What did you do to him? - I combed it all and got some glue from downstairs

and look, this is from the dress,

and the pink Mallard is from his sharp shoes.

[horn honking]

[Deckermensky] 59, there it is, that's the one.

[Maureen] No, don't park it outside.

It'll give somebody heart failure.

I think someone's gonna get heart failure anyway.

[chuckles]

It's a great town.

Cool. You'll be all right living here.

Living here?

Well, he'll have his job here. He can't just give it up.

Not with a family on the way.

I hadn't thought about living here.

Well, it's about time you started thinking about it.

It's a really nice town.

Oh, God, Maureen, I feel

tall enough in England, I shall feel twice as big in Dutch.

[exhales] What am I gonna say?

Well, look, you'll think of something, okay?

Now don't worry, now go on.

You want to marry him, don't you?

That's him.

Cool. He looks really respectable.

He's not as nice-looking as I thought he was.

[speaking indistinctly]

[both children] Bye, Papa.

Ta-ta, bye.

God, you silly sod, Hazel.

[Bancroft] What will you do?

I'm gonna keep it.

And Dad will kill me, but I'm gonna keep it.

Good luck with your girl.

[Maureen] Get a move on, Hazel.

Yeah, I'm coming.

[sighing]

Go.

I don't care for how short a time,

if she don't marry you, she's crazy.

[car starting]

[honking]

Leave me alone, I'll be all right.

[groans]

How long has this been coming on?

Don't put me in some cheapo room.

Oh, Christ.

He should be moved to hospital.

Will they save him?

Then he stays here.

I want the best medical attention and I'd like you to stay on call.

[sighs] Taking care of him will be tiring and unpleasant.

- Who would do this? - I will.

You have the same condition.

Not so bad, I think.

[writing]

It's time for your water.

Keep coming, come on. Up you go.

There you go.

[breathing heavily]

[chuckles]

[laughing]

[bell ringing]

Come on, take it easy.

Lie back.

Come on.

[breath shaking]

Good morning.

How do you do?

Welcome.

- Shall we move this out of the way? - Leave it.

That's the best man.

[speaking indistinctly]

How are you, son?

Hello, Dad.

Mother.

[wedding march music playing]

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today in the sight of God,

in the face of this congregation

to join together this man and woman...

[pop music playing]