All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S03E01.1080p.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab.Hi

["White Room" by Cream playing]

♪ In the white room ♪

♪ With black curtains ♪

♪ Near the station ♪

♪ Black roof country ♪

♪ No gold pavements ♪

♪ Tired starlings ♪

♪ Silver horses ran
down moonbeams ♪

♪ In your dark eyes ♪

[Jeremy] Welcome back
to Clarkson's Farm.

It's the middle
of August in 2022.

[Lisa] You're welcome. Thanks.
Where have you come from?

[Jeremy] And everything
seems to be familiar...

[Charlie] It's dry.

[Jeremy] And bucolic,

and wonderful.

[cows mooing]

[Jeremy] But I'm afraid that

behind the scenes, it isn't
wonderful at all, because

everything that could
go wrong has gone wrong.

[theme music playing]

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Let's start
with the weather.

After the driest
summer for 87 years,

the ground is parched
and as hard as concrete.

And as a result, the crops
are taking a battering.

[Charlie] So trying to grow potatoes
where there's no moisture...

Look, the skin's set. So
it's not gonna grow anymore.

[Jeremy] What do you mean?

You know, new potatoes, if you
did that you'd rub the skin off.

- Like a Jersey Royal?
- Like a Jersey Royal.

But these have now set their skin
to stop them losing moisture.

- So that's as big as it's gonna get?
- Yeah.

Shit.

[Jeremy] Kaleb had a go at
harvesting these potato pebbles,

but it was hopeless.

[Kaleb] No, I'm just
dropping them all, look.

The potatoes are that small,
they're falling between the rollers.

It's just dropping
them on the top.

[Jeremy] In the next field along,
the sunflowers were suffering too.

[Charlie] Look. It's coming
to the end of August.

These flowers have gotta mature,
ripen, in time for us to harvest them.

- Well, is this seed ready?
- No.

- That's useless.
- We won't be able to harvest these?

It's pointless. No.

[Jeremy] For fuck's sake.

[music continues]

[Jeremy] Next, there
was the echium,

a sort of plant-based fish oil

which I'd been told would net
me a fortune if it grew well.

Is that it?

[Kaleb] Not a lot, is there?

That's just the... That's...

One field of spelt wheat
produced that much.

One field of echium
has produced... that.

Bloody hell.

[Jeremy] The dryness
of the soil also meant

that planting next year's
oilseed rape was a non-starter.

[Charlie] Look.
Oh God, that's...

[Jeremy] I went down a foot
the other day. There's nothing.

So if we try and drill rape
into that, it's not gonna grow.

[Jeremy] On top of all this, there
was the pretty little restaurant,

which we'd opened
earlier in the summer

to sell the food we'd grown
and reared on the farm.

- [Gerald] Cheers, guys.
- Cheers.

[Jeremy] But after
just six weeks...

[ominous music]

The council served us with
an enforcement notice,

telling us it had to close.

[Jeremy] Welcome,
everybody. How are you?

[Charlie] I'm particularly
proud of the durum wheat,

'cause it normally
grows in Italy.

- [man] Everyone looks very full.
- [woman] More brisket?

[Jeremy] Thank you for coming.

[Jeremy] Enforcement notice.

"What you are required to do
within six weeks of the date

on which this notice
comes into effect."

"Cease use of any part of the
land for sale or provision

of food or drinks to
members of the public

or for consumption on the land.

Cease use of any part of the
land as a restaurant or a café."

Even though we're allowed to.

"Cease use of any part
of the land for parking."

[Alan] What?

"Reinstate the land round
the restaurant to a condition

similar to that of the agricultural
land immediately surrounding it,

removing all hardcore and
other surfacing materials,

including gravel and
stone chippings."

Why you can't have gravel on a
farm, I don't know. But anyway.

"Removing all other landscaping
materials, including wooden sleepers,

- wooden plank edging and wood chippings."
- [scoffs]

- The wood chip's just gonna rot.
- I know...

They've gone completely mad.

"Removing all plants and
planting containers."

- You can't have plant pots on a farm?
- [Alan] Ridiculous.

We're going round and round in circles,
wasting a lot of fucking good money...

- Your money. Permanently.
- Yes, and the tax payers'.

Well, everybody's
money is just being...

Pissing it up against the wall.

It's a joke. All the effort we put
in and we're back on square one.

[dramatic music]

[Jeremy] With the
restaurant shut down,

we could no longer afford
to keep all the cows.

We could hang onto the
calves to fatten them up

but their mums...
would have to go.

[cows mooing]

We bought 19. They
had 8, so that's 27.

Killed 2, 25.

- Correct.
- We're keeping...

Twelve.

So 13 are going...

Thirteen passports I have here.

[Kaleb] Dropping off.

[Jeremy] I'm finding
today really quite sad.

It's 'cause for the last year,
I've been opening the windows,

opening the curtains in the morning,
and there are the cows. And I love that.

Making cow noises.

It just cheers my heart
every morning to see them.

Are the calves going to
be a bit upset tonight?

- [Kaleb] You're not gonna sleep tonight.
- [Charlie] No.

- [Jeremy] They won't?
- [Charlie] No.

No, you won't sleep. They'll
be calling all night long.

[cows mooing]

- Can I ask? Peppa's going, obviously.
- Yeah.

What do you think
will become of her?

[Charlie] I wouldn't ask too
many questions about Pepper.

Don't ask questions you don't
want to know the answer to.

[cows mooing]

[sighing] Oh, Christ.

[Jeremy] All we had
left of the departed

was some touching
phone-camera memories.

[Lisa] Oh, look!

No! No! No! No!

Out of there. No, you too. Out.

Out! No, not my flowers!

Get out!

Go on, shoo. Shoo.

You too, shoo. Shoo.

[cow mooing]

Jeremy?

[Lisa sighing]

- Cup of tea?
- Yeah.

[sniffing] Okay.

[Lisa sighing]

[Lisa] It's not like
we're not keeping a few.

- [Jeremy] No, we've got quite a few.
- [Lisa] Yeah.

[Jeremy] It could be all
the ones we gave birth to.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] With more than
half the herd gone,

my eco-friendly plan to get the
cows and hens working in tandem

to fertilise the
soil was in tatters.

Soil, look, Charlie.

- [Jeremy] All good for the soil.
- [Charlie] New soil.

Yeah, but thanks to West
Oxfordshire District Council,

we have to use
chemicals from now on.

- We've got nitrogen.
- I know.

[Jeremy] And, as Cheerful
Charlie then explained,

this was not the year to be
buying chemical fertiliser.

[Charlie] We've gotta be realistic
about the projections for harvest '23.

- This is the wheat price.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.

[Charlie] And if you
look at the blue line,

where it peaked at over
350 pounds a ton...

- [Jeremy] Is it falling?
- It's falling.

- [Jeremy] How's that happening?
- The war's still going on.

- It's now down to 200...
- It's now just under 250.

So it's dropped a
hundred pounds a ton.

You know we've got fertiliser
prices that have gone up?

How much did we pay
for the fertiliser?

Just over 800 pounds a ton.

Three times more than normal.

Three times. So that's
gone up by three times.

And wheat price has
come... Oh fuck.

So last year, we had
low growing costs.

This year, if we buy the
same amount of fertiliser,

it'll be 100,000 pounds you need
to spend on fertiliser alone.

- [Jeremy] It's terrible.
- Its...

It could be bad if
the yields are poor.

And also take gas
price, fuel price.

Energy in terms of drying the
grain. Every way you turn...

Farming's exposed
to energy price.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] Not knowing what to do
about Charlie's grim forecast,

I went off to see Viktor,
our Ukrainian bee man...

[Jeremy] All right, Viktor?

[Viktor] Hello, Jeremy.

[Jeremy] ...who was
loading up the hives

so we could extract the
latest batch of honey.

[Jeremy] A lot of
dead bees in here.

[Viktor] Ah, well,
unfortunate, isn't it?

- It's like battle of Donbas.
- [both chuckle]

[Jeremy] How many pounds
of honey in there?

[Viktor] I would say
roughly box ten kilos.

- Ten kilos?
- [Viktor] A box. About a 100 pounds.

- That is... Oh! That is all honey!
- Yeah.

You can see the bulging
on either side if you...

- [Viktor] Yeah.
- That is just rammed full of honey.

- [Jeremy] We've got a lot of honey!
- Yeah.

It's the only thing on
the farm that's working.

[Viktor laughs]

Literally the only
thing that makes money.

[Jeremy] After my Viktor
chat, I had a thought.

Diddly Squat is
mainly an arable farm,

but there must be other ways of
making money beside the crops.

So, I put my thinking cap on

and went for a walk, with
the ever-obedient dogs.

Heel.

Oi!

Sansa! Arya! Heel...

Arya! Heel.

- [dog barking]
- Oh, shit.

- Sansa! Arya!
- [dog barking]

Sansa! Arya! Arya! Sansa!

[sighs]

There may be a small wait
now while they get back,

having determined they
can't catch the deer.

Bambi, in case you're
worried, is completely safe.

This is what I call
the Hedge of Plenty.

It's got so much
stuff growing in it.

It runs for half a mile or so.

It's about 30 feet thick,
as you can see here.

Full of berries.

Blackberries.

These are sloe berries. Sloes.

Elderflower.

So that's elderflower, sloe,

rose hips, blackberries,
apples, damsons, plums.

[Jeremy] After a little sit-down
with my special thinking juice,

I started to form a plan.

I've just been thinking.
This farm is a 1,000 acres,

but I only farm

about 500 acres.

The other 500 are

woods and wildflower
meadows and just stuff.

But the 500 acres I don't
farm are full of berries and,

and apples and watercress
and wild garlic and deer.

So I wonder if you could farm

the unfarmed? I wonder
if I could make money

out of the bit of the
farm I'm not farming?

Council couldn't stop
that, could they?

I mean, they could try but
they wouldn't be able to.

[Jeremy] In my head,
this was a good idea.

But making money from the woods
and the meadows and the hedges

would require a lot of work.

So I called a meeting
with my number two.

I've got something
serious to say to you.

I've made a big decision.

You are no longer the
tractor driver on this farm.

[Kaleb] What am I then?

I've decided I'm gonna
make you farm manager.

- Really?
- [Jeremy] Yep.

I want you to run the
farming side of it.

You're fired.

- What?
- You're fired.

- No, you can't fire... I'm the boss!
- I'm the farm manager.

- You're fired.
- I'm not fired.

You are.

I'm not, because you haven't
heard how this is gonna work.

Tell me that, then you're fired.

Here's how I want it to work.

I've got to concentrate
this year on making money

out of that bit of the
farm which isn't farmed.

- [Kaleb] Yes?
- You've never even been here.

No.

And then that means I'm
not gonna have the time

to really concentrate
on this bit of the farm.

On the arable. Yeah.

[Jeremy] So, I'm gonna
put you on the arable.

And I'm gonna
concentrate on this.

- And I've just had a thought.
- Mm-hmm?

Why don't we make
it a competition?

Who in the next 12 months
can make the most money:

Me out of unfarmed land

- or you out of farmed land?
- Farmed land... I like it.

So we'll get a whiteboard,
we'll put it on the wall,

and then it's Jeremy's
profit and costs,

- Kaleb's profit and costs.
- Yeah.

Okay? And then it'll
run through the year.

Hmm?

[Jeremy] I think that'll
be quite good fun.

I think it'll be fun as well.
And I'm gonna win, so it's fine.

You aren't gonna win.

I'm gonna win this competition.

[scoffs] Right. Get out and get back
on your tractor and go manage the farm.

I don't need to now. I'm gonna
go have a nice walk round,

anal... "analasyse" the soil.

- [Jeremy] "Analasyse"?
- Hmm.

[laughter] That's a
word, innit? "Analasyse"!

- No!
- "Analasyse"! It is!

[laughs] Analyse.

- Analyse.
- [Jeremy laughs]

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] To get my "Farming the
Unfarmed" project off the ground,

I did some research.

And discovered that my local supermarket
was charging 6p a blackberry...

Which meant my hedgerows
were fruity gold mines.

Look. 6p, 12, 24...

There's 50p there.

Another 50p there,
and there, and there.

A pound there.

There's 30 quid in this
one bush alone, easy.

[Jeremy] In order to
maximise profits, though,

I'd need to harvest them
as cheaply as possible.

So rather craftily I asked if I could
borrow a blackberry-picking machine

to see if I liked it.

[Jeremy] Shit...

It's a bit bigger than I was
expecting, mate! [Chuckles]

[driver] Just a bit bigger!

- How are you? Erm...
- I'm well, thank you.

- We've got the grain wagon.
- Yes?

I'll just back him up. If you could pull
over to the right, is that all right?

Sorry, mate? Do you
mind backing up?

So that that wagon can get through
and go over there? Is that all right?

Cheers, mate. Thanks.

[back-up beeper]

I'm a car-park attendant,
that's what I've become now.

[Kaleb] What are you doing?

I'm loading the lorry.

Yeah, well, it was in the way.

Your farming is in
the way of my farming.

No, your farming's getting
in the way of my farming.

It isn't. I just
need to get this in.

Look at that!

- You don't even know what it is, do you?
- [Kaleb] No... What are you doing?

[Jeremy] Blackberry picking.

Load the wagon up and then come
and see real farming happening.

[Kaleb] "Real" farming my arse.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Right. Let my
blackberry farming begin.

Okay, the first thing I've realised
is that my trailer is 25 yards wide.

If I meet a bus
coming the other way,

the bus driver is
going to be going home

with a blackberry-picking machine
fastened to his face like a moustache.

As you can probably see,

the blackberry-picking
machine is like an arch.

So I'm gonna try and harvest
that hedge to start with.

So I've gotta get my
blackberry-picking machine

to straddle this
wall first of all.

[Jeremy] This, inevitably,
was easier said than done.

[Jeremy] Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

No, no, no. Shit!

How on earth am I
going to do this?

Ah.

No. Erm...

Well, it's just not
possible, is it?

[Jeremy] There was nothing for it. I
had to ask my business rival for help.

- [Jeremy] Right, you see that?
- Yeah.

- [Jeremy] It's an arch.
- Yeah.

[Jeremy] And you have to get that
arch to straddle this wall...

Because we've gotta go
all the way down this wall

- to get to where the blackberries are.
- [Kaleb] Okay.

I can do it.

I bet he can't.

[Kaleb] Come on, Kaleb!

[laughs gleefully]

[Jeremy] Right, we're
on. We're hooked on.

I'm gonna go as
straight as I can.

[Jeremy] Oh, there's a lot of fence...
We're knocking all these fence posts off.

The whole wall is moving.

We're gonna be harvesting a
wall if you're not careful here.

[Jeremy] These blackberries
better be profitable.

[Jeremy on radio] Oh! That's
blown the whole wall right out!

- [Jeremy] Oh, sheee.
- [Kaleb on radio] Shit!

[Jeremy] How much further until
we get to what could be called...

[Kaleb on radio] Wait. This
wall doesn't fucking stop!

[Jeremy] What?

[Kaleb on radio] This
wall does not stop.

[Jeremy] Oh shit. Shit.

- [Jeremy] You're gonna have to back up.
- I can't.

Well, you can't go forwards
'cause we now can't see it.

[Jeremy] We're
fucked, aren't we?

[Kaleb shuts down the engine]

[Jeremy] Christ.
Look what we've done.

[Jeremy] What we'd done was
harvest no blackberries at all

and create a week's work for Gerald,
who wouldn't be able to do it

because he'd phoned that morning
to say he wasn't feeling very well.

[Kaleb] Stay where you are.
That's it, stay straight.

[Jeremy] And rather embarrassingly,
when the people came

to collect the precious
demonstrator they'd lent me,

we had to lift it off the
wall using two telehandlers.

[Jeremy] Oh.

That's... that's the
fence now broken again.

Oh, look at the concrete.
No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[back-up beeper]

[Jeremy] Jesus.

[Kaleb] Here you are.
Here's your machine.

[Jeremy] Clearly, I now
needed to think of a new way

to harvest my blackberries.

[upbeat music]

But first, it was my
turn to help Kaleb.

Whoa. That's Kaleb's
new muck spreader.

[Jeremy] Because it was
time to scoop up the muck

our recently departed cows had
produced over the last 11 months.

[Kaleb] Oh yes!

- [Jeremy] That is pungent.
- [Kaleb] That's good stuff!

[Jeremy] So how much
do you reckon is here?

[Kaleb] I reckon we've
got about 200 tonnes here.

- [Jeremy] 200 tonnes of faeces.
- Yeah.

[Kaleb] Feel that.

- Feel how hot it is.
- No.

Feel the heat.

- Can you feel it?
- Oooh!

[Jeremy] Why is it so hot?

- When it ferments...
- Oh.

It just gets hot in the
middle and comes out.

- That's really hot in the middle.
- Yeah.

When you start bucketing
that, it's gonna be boiling.

[Kaleb] Start loading up, yeah?

[Kaleb on radio] One
bucket weighs one tonne.

[Jeremy on radio] If that was
artificial chemical fertiliser,

that would have cost
me a thousand pounds.

[Kaleb] The weigh scales
is 1.6 tonne, actually.

You've got weigh scales
in your new muck spreader?

[Kaleb] It's the way forward.

You can actually tell how much
muck's going on your fields.

That's what we need to know.
The fertiliser price is so high.

[Jeremy] You're
pretty much full now.

[Kaleb] Yeah.

[Jeremy] And then that just flings
it out over the field, does it?

[Kaleb] I et's put it this way. I had
a stone the other day go out 48 metres.

48 metres out of the back?

[Kaleb] 48 metres out the
back of this spreader,

through a window,
through a blind,

hit a chair and hit a fridge.

[Jeremy] Where? In Chadlington?

[Kaleb] Yeah, on Simon's field,
in the middle of Chadlington.

It hit the top of the chair and
ripped all the leather off it.

So don't go behind your
muck spreader then.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] I then got a
first-hand demonstration

of the muck spreader's
Gatling-gun power

as Kaleb's brother
fertilised the field.

[Jeremy] Jesus. Why don't they use
that... The Army should use that.

[Kaleb] Win a lot of wars
with that, wouldn't you?

If you loaded that up with gravel
and then drove through a war zone...

- [Kaleb chuckling] You would literally...
- You'd properly get people to duck!

[Jeremy] I was extremely happy
to be using free fertiliser,

but we only had enough
to cover 25 acres.

So it was up to farm
manager Kaleb to decide

how many chemicals he'd
need to fill in the gaps.

He therefore invited Charlie
over to his new office.

[Kaleb] So I've just
been working this out.

What's "this"?

- The cropping.
- I've done that.

Yeah, but I'm doing it.
'Cause I'm farm manager.

Well, what? Okay. Well,
what's "your" plan?

[Kaleb] So, I think wheat down
the right-hand side of the farm,

which I call the right-hand side,
which is Big Ground Banks Airfield.

- The eastern side.
- Yeah. Or that side, yeah.

- The eastern side.
- Yeah. Okay. Right-hand side.

And then spring wheat in basically
the middle end of the farm.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

And you said... Did you say about
100,000 pounds' worth of fertiliser?

Roughly.

I think I can get it down
to about 78,000 pounds.

We've got the chicken muck,
we've got the cow muck.

Okay. So you're hoping that that cuts
the amount of artificial nitrogen?

- Yeah.
- Don't be short on nitrogen.

And don't cut corners
unnecessarily.

- The risk's gone through the roof.
- Yeah.

'Cause you've got higher growing
costs, you've got higher pricing.

You know, we need the output
to maximise our income,

because that'll give you your
profit at the end of the day.

I think we can
save 22,000 pounds.

Well, let's hope it works.

- This farm competition...
- [Kaleb sighing] Oh, yeah.

Are you okay with it?

I mean, the man can hardly farm the
farmed, let alone farm the unfarmed.

God knows what he's gonna...
God knows his ideas.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] As they discussed
this, I was busy in the barn,

working on another
blackberry-harvesting solution.

And I must say, I was
rather pleased with it.

[engine sputtering]

[Jeremy] And now, we move to
the other side of the vehicle,

where we find the
vacuum cleaner.

Simply apply the vacuum
cleaner to the blackberry.

Yes!

Who knew!

I've done a thing that works!

I'm harvesting a bush.

And it's only pulling
off the black ones,

it's not pulling off
the unripe red ones.

We're not using CGI
here. This is real.

Ah-ha.

I don't know what sort of vacuum
cleaner this is, I'm not an expert,

but they're marketing
it all wrong.

Look at that. Five minutes.

And they're red
ones. I'm staggered!

[laughs gleefully]

[Jeremy] Once I'd
harvested the hedge...

I headed to the farm kitchen,

leafed through Mrs Beeton's
old cookery book...

Blackberries,
lemon juice, sugar.

[Jeremy] And then started to make
some Diddly Squat blackberry jam.

Woah. Bloody hell.

So all I have to do
is add the jam sugar,

add the lemon juice,

bubble them away for
half an hour or so,

cool it, sell it.

One hour's work.

An hour to harvest
them. Two hour's work.

This is pure profit.

Hello.

- [Charlie] What are you doing?
- Making jam, dear boy. Making jam.

This is new farming, this is.

[Jeremy] Given that we weren't
dealing with cows or crops,

I assumed there'd be no
opportunity for finger-wagging.

Erm, so, clearly blackberries.

- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- How much is in there?

Well, that many.

- No, but how many?
- Oh, I don't know.

You've gotta measure it. You
can't just chuck it all in.

- [Charlie] You're gonna sell the jam.
- Yeah.

Have you done your
food hygiene test?

No.

What pH is it? Does it contain any
allergens? You'll have to put...

Well, what if someone's
allergic to blackberries?

Well, you'll have
to put on there.

"May contain blackberries" in
this blackberry... You're...

- [Charlie] Is it just blackberries?
- No. Lemon juice.

But you'll have to list what's on here.
It's got potassium metabisulfites in it.

- So you've gotta list...
- So on my jam, I've got to write.

"May contain traces of
potassium metabisulfite"?

- Yes. Because...
- That's not very good marketing.

[Charlie] Okay, are you're making
jam, or preserve, or conserve?

What's the difference?

So, okay, there is a difference, and
it's all to do with sugar content.

You know on the side of
a jam thing, it says:

"This was made with
X amount of fruit"?

So, like, 50 grams of fruit
made 100 grams of jam?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

What does Mrs Beeton...
She'll say that

you've gotta have a specific
amount of sugar to make it jam.

No, she doesn't.

[Charlie] Three pounds
to three pounds!

Well, I'll put the three
pounds of sugar in then.

- How many blackberries have you got?
- I don't know!

[laughing] So basically,
you can't use that.

- [Jeremy] What?
- You haven't weighed it.

- You need to know...
- I can't use it?

[Charlie] You'll
need to start again.

[Jeremy] I wasn't the only
one being bashed on the rocks

by Charlie's waves
of negativity,

because on the other
side of the farm,

Kaleb was also getting a drubbing
over his plans to plant oilseed rape.

- I have... your new cropping plan.
- All right. Brilliant.

- [Charlie] You've still got rape?
- Yeah.

Why?

- I think it's a risk.
- It is a risk.

- When did it last rain?
- I can't remember.

Like, April. There's no
moisture. The ground's hard.

We're gonna have
flea-beetle pressure.

I dunno when it's gonna rain.

[Kaleb] But I think it's
a risk we've gotta take.

How many farmers this year have not
grown rape because of the weather?

- Okay. Quite a lot.
- A lot. Yes.

So therefore the price, if
it's 5.75 at the moment,

in a year's time, when they
say there's a shortage of rape,

because of the reason of no farmers are
growing it 'cause of the weather, yeah?

That price could increase.

- If this pulls off...
- If.

Or, it fails?

I am willing to risk planting
oilseed rape this year

- as farm manager.
- Are you chasing

the bottom line of the farm

or are you just trying to chase Jeremy
'cause he's got a good head start?

The farm.

And Jeremy.

- Focus on the farm.
- I am! I am!

Okay.

I am. It'll be fine.

[Jeremy] I agreed with Charlie
that rape was a bad idea,

but there was no
time to discuss this

because I needed to hoover up
more blackberries for my jam.

[Jeremy] If we weigh this, we'll
know how much fruit goes in each jar.

[Charlie] How do you know you're gonna
fill them the same level each time?

We're not buying cocaine. It's
not like you say 2 grams or 20.

There's a big difference.

[struggling for words]
I'll go with your logic.

Right.

- That jar with the lid weighs 228 grams.
- [Charlie] Yeah.

[Jeremy] With the fruit
in it's 443 grams.

So 215.

- [Jeremy] Is that the difference?
- Yeah.

So we know that in each jar,
there will be 215 grams of fruit.

- [Jeremy] Yes?
- Yeah.

[Jeremy] If I wash this, it'll be
all right to use again, won't it?

[Charlie] Yeah, that's the whole point of
glass jars, Jeremy, you can reuse them.

- Exactly.
- [Charlie] There you go.

- [Jeremy] Do I have to sterilise it?
- Yes, you do have to sterilise it.

We've been through that. Put it
in a warm oven for ten minutes.

Lid and jar sterilising.

[beeping]

- [Jeremy] No. No.
- [Charlie stammers]

[beeping]

- No, there's just nothing there.
- No.

- The oven's here.
- Oh, right. What's this then?

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Despite
these minor setbacks,

a couple of days later, my
jam was ready to go on sale.

There's all those.

All these.

It cost nothing to
plant the blackberries.

I didn't have to fertilise them.
I didn't have to do anything.

Eat your heart out, Kaleb.

[Jeremy] Look what
I have got for you.

- [Lisa] No way!
- Yes way!

- How much can we sell it for?
- What would you like to charge?

Well, it cost 1.49
pounds to make.

60p for the jar,
47p for the label,

and 42p for the
sugar in each one.

I think 3.60 pounds is
a reasonable amount.

- I mean, I can sell it for 4.80.
- [Jeremy] It's 3.60.

I'm not having any of your...

[in Irish accent] "Well, hoo, we
can get away with charging more."

3.60.

[Jeremy] As good as it was
to see my jam on the shelves,

I knew that my current sources of
income from farming the unfarmed

would soon dry up.

Autumn was now upon us,

which meant the bees would
knock off for the year

and the hedges would
become bereft of fruit.

However, I'd had another
money-making brainwave

and I couldn't wait to
tell Charlie all about it.

[groans]

I've got a new thing.

Pigs.

Pigs?

Pigs. And there's
method in my madness.

[stammers]

This is the Prime
Minister speaking. Ready?

In a fortnight
I'm going to Paris

for the world's
largest food trade fair

and I will be bigging-up
British products.

In December, I'll be in Beijing,
opening up new pork markets.

And she paused there for
applause that didn't come.

But I was paying attention.

So she's opening up
new pork markets.

And this is a woman who's...
She's the Prime Minister, now.

Thousands and thousands of Conservative
Party members have looked at her

and said "She's wise, she's on it,
she's bright, she's the right choice."

So she thinks there's going to be a
burgeoning pork market in China. Hmm?

So do you want to breed pigs?

Yes! 'Cause then
you get piglets.

It'd be fun to have little piglets
running around... Won't it?

It would be much easier from
a management point of view...

- Yeah?
- to just buy piglets in,

fatten those up, and then kill
them to sell in the farm shop.

But then you'd have to buy more. Why
don't you just get them breeding?

As soon as you've got a
breeding pig, it's a 365 thing.

Somebody's gotta be
here every single day,

watering, feeding, moving,
checking the welfare.

I cannot believe
pigs are complicated.

[laughs]

So you have the babies, chop them
up, sell them in the shop, sausages.

You get so much from a pig.

But I just... you've...

You've jumped from pigs
to the farm shop without,

I think, full consideration
of the production bit.

Liz Truss says I can sell them
in Beijing. She's opening up...

I don't want you to sell them in
Beijing. Sell them at the farm shop.

- I'm gonna sell them in there.
- Who's gonna look after them?

- Me.
- Every day?

Yes. I'm here every day.

- When you're not here?
- Kaleb.

- Has he got enough time?
- Yes.

- Where are they gonna live?
- Well...

Because Kaleb can't get the
potatoes up, they go up into the

where the potatoes are.

Fine.

We fence that bit off.

- Yep.
- They go in there.

And they'll eat all the potatoes,
so we get value from the potatoes.

Yeah, but they won't
be there forever.

No. Woods. They're
gonna be woodland pigs.

I can put them in the woods.

'Cause you know I've got that
competition going with Kaleb?

I told him I could generate
money from the woods,

- yes?
- Yeah.

If I put pigs, once they've eaten
all the potatoes out of there

- that he's failed to get up.
- Yeah.

- They live in the woods, snouting around.
- Yeah.

And I'm making money from
my side of the enterprise

because they can truffle about,

and they just turn over the soil looking
for acorns and things, don't they?

In an idyllic sort of
Winnie the Pooh world.

They're foragers, but they're more
like a JCB, they're earth movers.

So you will regenerate the woods
into a sort of stock-car track.

You'll have the local kids
in there with their BMXs

cycling around these massive
earthworks that they've created.

Your ne... This is
your most negative yet.

I am just concerned about
the production of piglets.

The idyllic nature
of it in your mind...

I want to get hundreds
of them in the woods,

rootling around,
clearing away the thorns.

[stammering] I, I, I... Look...

Actually, I'm gonna get
on it now. I'm on it.

I'm going to find a pig farmer.
I'm gonna get some pigs.

Piggly Squat Pork.

Come on!

Yes!

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] As I set to work,
with no help from Charlie,

Kaleb took the Lambo in for
a much-needed service...

And then used his own toy
tractor to work the fields,

whose walls were now looking a bit tired
as Gerald was still feeling poorly.

Then it was time for Kaleb
and I to have a serious chat

about how our
competition was going.

Hmm.

It looks horrible.

Damsons in vodka.

Leave it for a couple of
months. And then, sell that.

And we can make our own
vodka, according to Lisa...

- So how mu...
- With our potatoes.

- [Kaleb] How much money's...
- There?

How much money worth is that?

Three, four hundred quid.

This is the future of farming.

- [Kaleb] It's not a future.
- Well, it is...

That's gonna get someone
drunk for one night.

You think one person
could drink all that?

I think you could
drink all of that.

[Jeremy] We then discussed the
bill for servicing the Lambo.

- What is it?
- Well, there's a lot of stuff.

- Yeah, I mean, it's buggered.
- Also... It's not buggered!

- It is. It's time to get a new...
- The brakes weren't working.

Just get a new one.
What's the total?

Could you add these up?

3,259,

1,543,

99 plus 410.

How much is that?

- [Jeremy] 5,300 pounds.
- That's a lot of money.

It's a lot. But, I mean, I'll
get three or four years of...

I mean, take that off your
margins. Because, I mean, that's...

It's not my margins.
It's your farm.

- You're doing the agricultural bit.
- All right, then.

- This is coming off yours.
- I wanna sell it.

You're not gonna sell
it. It's my tractor.

Anyway, listen, we're gonna have
a chart of who's doing best.

Pen.

- So this is "Spent" and "Made".
- Hmm.

- Jam: 230 pounds. Yes?
- Yeah.

230 pounds' profit,

once I'd taken the cost of the jars
off and everything else, right?

Hmm-hmm.

You spent 78,000
pounds on fertiliser.

Made nothing.

So that's where we are at the
moment. I'm 230 pounds up.

You're minus 78,000 pounds.

And how much have
you spent on seed?

2,500 on the rape.

So rape, which I told you
not to drill, which you did:

2,500. Wheat?

- [Kaleb] Six grand.
- 6,000 pounds.

- [Jeremy] Chemicals?
- 1,500.

- [Jeremy] Diesel?
- 2,000 pounds.

2,000 in diesel.

[Kaleb] I don't like this game.

- [Jeremy] Just... Tractor service?
- You broke that though.

So you are now at 78,

80, 86, 87, 89, 94

minus 95,400 pounds.

And I'm plus 230 pounds.

So I'm 95,630
pounds ahead of you.

I haven't... Oh, my honey!

- [Jeremy] 8,000 pounds.
- What?

A profitable item.

So I'm actually 8,230 pounds up,

which proves my idea of farming
unfarmed land... is working well.

[Jeremy] Given that
Kaleb's side of the board

looked like Boris
Becker's bank statement,

I decided to fire up my
newly serviced tractor,

and help him out with some
topping work in the fields.

Kaleb's out in his
old Lamborghini today.

So we've got a brace of
Lamborghinis on the job.

[upbeat music]

A job for Gerald there,
look. A broken wall.

Probably badgers.

[Kaleb on radio] What's it like
to have your tractor back then?

[Clarkson on radio] It's so nice.
And it stops when I want it to.

Brakes are good. Power's good.

Comfort's good. Air
conditioning's working.

[Jeremy's phone rings]

Hello?

Yeah. [Turns tractor off]

Hi. How's things?

[sighing] Oh no.

Right. Yeah.

Is there anything you want?

Right. Okay. Look, I'll
see you later on, okay?

All right. Take care.

[sighs] Gerald's got cancer.

[sighs] Oh shit.

[credits over silence]