Original subtitles

["White Room" by Cream playing]

♪ In the white room ♪

♪ With black curtains ♪

♪ Near the station ♪

♪ Black roof country ♪

♪ No gold pavements ♪

♪ Tired starlings ♪

♪ Silver horses ran down moonbeams ♪

♪ In your dark eyes ♪

[Jeremy] Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm.

It's the middle of August in 2022.

[Lisa] You're welcome. Thanks. Where have you come from?

[Jeremy] And everything seems to be familiar...

[Charlie] It's dry.

[Jeremy] And bucolic,

and wonderful.

[cows mooing]

[Jeremy] But I'm afraid that

behind the scenes, it isn't wonderful at all, because

everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

[theme music playing]

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Let's start with the weather.

After the driest summer for 87 years,

the ground is parched and as hard as concrete.

And as a result, the crops are taking a battering.

[Charlie] So trying to grow potatoes where there's no moisture...

Look, the skin's set. So it's not gonna grow anymore.

[Jeremy] What do you mean?

You know, new potatoes, if you did that you'd rub the skin off.

- Like a Jersey Royal? - Like a Jersey Royal.

But these have now set their skin to stop them losing moisture.

- So that's as big as it's gonna get? - Yeah.

Shit.

[Jeremy] Kaleb had a go at harvesting these potato pebbles,

but it was hopeless.

[Kaleb] No, I'm just dropping them all, look.

The potatoes are that small, they're falling between the rollers.

It's just dropping them on the top.

[Jeremy] In the next field along, the sunflowers were suffering too.

[Charlie] Look. It's coming to the end of August.

These flowers have gotta mature, ripen, in time for us to harvest them.

- Well, is this seed ready? - No.

- That's useless. - We won't be able to harvest these?

It's pointless. No.

[Jeremy] For fuck's sake.

[music continues]

[Jeremy] Next, there was the echium,

a sort of plant-based fish oil

which I'd been told would net me a fortune if it grew well.

Is that it?

[Kaleb] Not a lot, is there?

That's just the... That's...

One field of spelt wheat produced that much.

One field of echium has produced... that.

Bloody hell.

[Jeremy] The dryness of the soil also meant

that planting next year's oilseed rape was a non-starter.

[Charlie] Look. Oh God, that's...

[Jeremy] I went down a foot the other day. There's nothing.

So if we try and drill rape into that, it's not gonna grow.

[Jeremy] On top of all this, there was the pretty little restaurant,

which we'd opened earlier in the summer

to sell the food we'd grown and reared on the farm.

- [Gerald] Cheers, guys. - Cheers.

[Jeremy] But after just six weeks...

[ominous music]

The council served us with an enforcement notice,

telling us it had to close.

[Jeremy] Welcome, everybody. How are you?

[Charlie] I'm particularly proud of the durum wheat,

'cause it normally grows in Italy.

- [man] Everyone looks very full. - [woman] More brisket?

[Jeremy] Thank you for coming.

[Jeremy] Enforcement notice.

"What you are required to do within six weeks of the date

on which this notice comes into effect."

"Cease use of any part of the land for sale or provision

of food or drinks to members of the public

or for consumption on the land.

Cease use of any part of the land as a restaurant or a café."

Even though we're allowed to.

"Cease use of any part of the land for parking."

[Alan] What?

"Reinstate the land round the restaurant to a condition

similar to that of the agricultural land immediately surrounding it,

removing all hardcore and other surfacing materials,

including gravel and stone chippings."

Why you can't have gravel on a farm, I don't know. But anyway.

"Removing all other landscaping materials, including wooden sleepers,

- wooden plank edging and wood chippings." - [scoffs]

- The wood chip's just gonna rot. - I know...

They've gone completely mad.

"Removing all plants and planting containers."

- You can't have plant pots on a farm? - [Alan] Ridiculous.

We're going round and round in circles, wasting a lot of fucking good money...

- Your money. Permanently. - Yes, and the tax payers'.

Well, everybody's money is just being...

Pissing it up against the wall.

It's a joke. All the effort we put in and we're back on square one.

[dramatic music]

[Jeremy] With the restaurant shut down,

we could no longer afford to keep all the cows.

We could hang onto the calves to fatten them up

but their mums... would have to go.

[cows mooing]

We bought 19. They had 8, so that's 27.

Killed 2, 25.

- Correct. - We're keeping...

Twelve.

So 13 are going...

Thirteen passports I have here.

[Kaleb] Dropping off.

[Jeremy] I'm finding today really quite sad.

It's 'cause for the last year, I've been opening the windows,

opening the curtains in the morning, and there are the cows. And I love that.

Making cow noises.

It just cheers my heart every morning to see them.

Are the calves going to be a bit upset tonight?

- [Kaleb] You're not gonna sleep tonight. - [Charlie] No.

- [Jeremy] They won't? - [Charlie] No.

No, you won't sleep. They'll be calling all night long.

[cows mooing]

- Can I ask? Peppa's going, obviously. - Yeah.

What do you think will become of her?

[Charlie] I wouldn't ask too many questions about Pepper.

Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

[cows mooing]

[sighing] Oh, Christ.

[Jeremy] All we had left of the departed

was some touching phone-camera memories.

[Lisa] Oh, look!

No! No! No! No!

Out of there. No, you too. Out.

Out! No, not my flowers!

Get out!

Go on, shoo. Shoo.

You too, shoo. Shoo.

[cow mooing]

Jeremy?

[Lisa sighing]

- Cup of tea? - Yeah.

[sniffing] Okay.

[Lisa sighing]

[Lisa] It's not like we're not keeping a few.

- [Jeremy] No, we've got quite a few. - [Lisa] Yeah.

[Jeremy] It could be all the ones we gave birth to.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] With more than half the herd gone,

my eco-friendly plan to get the cows and hens working in tandem

to fertilise the soil was in tatters.

Soil, look, Charlie.

- [Jeremy] All good for the soil. - [Charlie] New soil.

Yeah, but thanks to West Oxfordshire District Council,

we have to use chemicals from now on.

- We've got nitrogen. - I know.

[Jeremy] And, as Cheerful Charlie then explained,

this was not the year to be buying chemical fertiliser.

[Charlie] We've gotta be realistic about the projections for harvest '23.

- This is the wheat price. - [Jeremy] Yeah.

[Charlie] And if you look at the blue line,

where it peaked at over 350 pounds a ton...

- [Jeremy] Is it falling? - It's falling.

- [Jeremy] How's that happening? - The war's still going on.

- It's now down to 200... - It's now just under 250.

So it's dropped a hundred pounds a ton.

You know we've got fertiliser prices that have gone up?

How much did we pay for the fertiliser?

Just over 800 pounds a ton.

Three times more than normal.

Three times. So that's gone up by three times.

And wheat price has come... Oh fuck.

So last year, we had low growing costs.

This year, if we buy the same amount of fertiliser,

it'll be 100,000 pounds you need to spend on fertiliser alone.

- [Jeremy] It's terrible. - Its...

It could be bad if the yields are poor.

And also take gas price, fuel price.

Energy in terms of drying the grain. Every way you turn...

Farming's exposed to energy price.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] Not knowing what to do about Charlie's grim forecast,

I went off to see Viktor, our Ukrainian bee man...

[Jeremy] All right, Viktor?

[Viktor] Hello, Jeremy.

[Jeremy] ...who was loading up the hives

so we could extract the latest batch of honey.

[Jeremy] A lot of dead bees in here.

[Viktor] Ah, well, unfortunate, isn't it?

- It's like battle of Donbas. - [both chuckle]

[Jeremy] How many pounds of honey in there?

[Viktor] I would say roughly box ten kilos.

- Ten kilos? - [Viktor] A box. About a 100 pounds.

- That is... Oh! That is all honey! - Yeah.

You can see the bulging on either side if you...

- [Viktor] Yeah. - That is just rammed full of honey.

- [Jeremy] We've got a lot of honey! - Yeah.

It's the only thing on the farm that's working.

[Viktor laughs]

Literally the only thing that makes money.

[Jeremy] After my Viktor chat, I had a thought.

Diddly Squat is mainly an arable farm,

but there must be other ways of making money beside the crops.

So, I put my thinking cap on

and went for a walk, with the ever-obedient dogs.

Heel.

Oi!

Sansa! Arya! Heel...

Arya! Heel.

- [dog barking] - Oh, shit.

- Sansa! Arya! - [dog barking]

Sansa! Arya! Arya! Sansa!

[sighs]

There may be a small wait now while they get back,

having determined they can't catch the deer.

Bambi, in case you're worried, is completely safe.

This is what I call the Hedge of Plenty.

It's got so much stuff growing in it.

It runs for half a mile or so.

It's about 30 feet thick, as you can see here.

Full of berries.

Blackberries.

These are sloe berries. Sloes.

Elderflower.

So that's elderflower, sloe,

rose hips, blackberries, apples, damsons, plums.

[Jeremy] After a little sit-down with my special thinking juice,

I started to form a plan.

I've just been thinking. This farm is a 1,000 acres,

but I only farm

about 500 acres.

The other 500 are

woods and wildflower meadows and just stuff.

But the 500 acres I don't farm are full of berries and,

and apples and watercress and wild garlic and deer.

So I wonder if you could farm

the unfarmed? I wonder if I could make money

out of the bit of the farm I'm not farming?

Council couldn't stop that, could they?

I mean, they could try but they wouldn't be able to.

[Jeremy] In my head, this was a good idea.

But making money from the woods and the meadows and the hedges

would require a lot of work.

So I called a meeting with my number two.

I've got something serious to say to you.

I've made a big decision.

You are no longer the tractor driver on this farm.

[Kaleb] What am I then?

I've decided I'm gonna make you farm manager.

- Really? - [Jeremy] Yep.

I want you to run the farming side of it.

You're fired.

- What? - You're fired.

- No, you can't fire... I'm the boss! - I'm the farm manager.

- You're fired. - I'm not fired.

You are.

I'm not, because you haven't heard how this is gonna work.

Tell me that, then you're fired.

Here's how I want it to work.

I've got to concentrate this year on making money

out of that bit of the farm which isn't farmed.

- [Kaleb] Yes? - You've never even been here.

No.

And then that means I'm not gonna have the time

to really concentrate on this bit of the farm.

On the arable. Yeah.

[Jeremy] So, I'm gonna put you on the arable.

And I'm gonna concentrate on this.

- And I've just had a thought. - Mm-hmm?

Why don't we make it a competition?

Who in the next 12 months can make the most money:

Me out of unfarmed land

- or you out of farmed land? - Farmed land... I like it.

So we'll get a whiteboard, we'll put it on the wall,

and then it's Jeremy's profit and costs,

- Kaleb's profit and costs. - Yeah.

Okay? And then it'll run through the year.

Hmm?

[Jeremy] I think that'll be quite good fun.

I think it'll be fun as well. And I'm gonna win, so it's fine.

You aren't gonna win.

I'm gonna win this competition.

[scoffs] Right. Get out and get back on your tractor and go manage the farm.

I don't need to now. I'm gonna go have a nice walk round,

anal... "analasyse" the soil.

- [Jeremy] "Analasyse"? - Hmm.

[laughter] That's a word, innit? "Analasyse"!

- No! - "Analasyse"! It is!

[laughs] Analyse.

- Analyse. - [Jeremy laughs]

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] To get my "Farming the Unfarmed" project off the ground,

I did some research.

And discovered that my local supermarket was charging 6p a blackberry...

Which meant my hedgerows were fruity gold mines.

Look. 6p, 12, 24...

There's 50p there.

Another 50p there, and there, and there.

A pound there.

There's 30 quid in this one bush alone, easy.

[Jeremy] In order to maximise profits, though,

I'd need to harvest them as cheaply as possible.

So rather craftily I asked if I could borrow a blackberry-picking machine

to see if I liked it.

[Jeremy] Shit...

It's a bit bigger than I was expecting, mate! [Chuckles]

[driver] Just a bit bigger!

- How are you? Erm... - I'm well, thank you.

- We've got the grain wagon. - Yes?

I'll just back him up. If you could pull over to the right, is that all right?

Sorry, mate? Do you mind backing up?

So that that wagon can get through and go over there? Is that all right?

Cheers, mate. Thanks.

[back-up beeper]

I'm a car-park attendant, that's what I've become now.

[Kaleb] What are you doing?

I'm loading the lorry.

Yeah, well, it was in the way.

Your farming is in the way of my farming.

No, your farming's getting in the way of my farming.

It isn't. I just need to get this in.

Look at that!

- You don't even know what it is, do you? - [Kaleb] No... What are you doing?

[Jeremy] Blackberry picking.

Load the wagon up and then come and see real farming happening.

[Kaleb] "Real" farming my arse.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Right. Let my blackberry farming begin.

Okay, the first thing I've realised is that my trailer is 25 yards wide.

If I meet a bus coming the other way,

the bus driver is going to be going home

with a blackberry-picking machine fastened to his face like a moustache.

As you can probably see,

the blackberry-picking machine is like an arch.

So I'm gonna try and harvest that hedge to start with.

So I've gotta get my blackberry-picking machine

to straddle this wall first of all.

[Jeremy] This, inevitably, was easier said than done.

[Jeremy] Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

No, no, no. Shit!

How on earth am I going to do this?

Ah.

No. Erm...

Well, it's just not possible, is it?

[Jeremy] There was nothing for it. I had to ask my business rival for help.

- [Jeremy] Right, you see that? - Yeah.

- [Jeremy] It's an arch. - Yeah.

[Jeremy] And you have to get that arch to straddle this wall...

Because we've gotta go all the way down this wall

- to get to where the blackberries are. - [Kaleb] Okay.

I can do it.

I bet he can't.

[Kaleb] Come on, Kaleb!

[laughs gleefully]

[Jeremy] Right, we're on. We're hooked on.

I'm gonna go as straight as I can.

[Jeremy] Oh, there's a lot of fence... We're knocking all these fence posts off.

The whole wall is moving.

We're gonna be harvesting a wall if you're not careful here.

[Jeremy] These blackberries better be profitable.

[Jeremy on radio] Oh! That's blown the whole wall right out!

- [Jeremy] Oh, sheee. - [Kaleb on radio] Shit!

[Jeremy] How much further until we get to what could be called...

[Kaleb on radio] Wait. This wall doesn't fucking stop!

[Jeremy] What?

[Kaleb on radio] This wall does not stop.

[Jeremy] Oh shit. Shit.

- [Jeremy] You're gonna have to back up. - I can't.

Well, you can't go forwards 'cause we now can't see it.

[Jeremy] We're fucked, aren't we?

[Kaleb shuts down the engine]

[Jeremy] Christ. Look what we've done.

[Jeremy] What we'd done was harvest no blackberries at all

and create a week's work for Gerald, who wouldn't be able to do it

because he'd phoned that morning to say he wasn't feeling very well.

[Kaleb] Stay where you are. That's it, stay straight.

[Jeremy] And rather embarrassingly, when the people came

to collect the precious demonstrator they'd lent me,

we had to lift it off the wall using two telehandlers.

[Jeremy] Oh.

That's... that's the fence now broken again.

Oh, look at the concrete. No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[back-up beeper]

[Jeremy] Jesus.

[Kaleb] Here you are. Here's your machine.

[Jeremy] Clearly, I now needed to think of a new way

to harvest my blackberries.

[upbeat music]

But first, it was my turn to help Kaleb.

Whoa. That's Kaleb's new muck spreader.

[Jeremy] Because it was time to scoop up the muck

our recently departed cows had produced over the last 11 months.

[Kaleb] Oh yes!

- [Jeremy] That is pungent. - [Kaleb] That's good stuff!

[Jeremy] So how much do you reckon is here?

[Kaleb] I reckon we've got about 200 tonnes here.

- [Jeremy] 200 tonnes of faeces. - Yeah.

[Kaleb] Feel that.

- Feel how hot it is. - No.

Feel the heat.

- Can you feel it? - Oooh!

[Jeremy] Why is it so hot?

- When it ferments... - Oh.

It just gets hot in the middle and comes out.

- That's really hot in the middle. - Yeah.

When you start bucketing that, it's gonna be boiling.

[Kaleb] Start loading up, yeah?

[Kaleb on radio] One bucket weighs one tonne.

[Jeremy on radio] If that was artificial chemical fertiliser,

that would have cost me a thousand pounds.

[Kaleb] The weigh scales is 1.6 tonne, actually.

You've got weigh scales in your new muck spreader?

[Kaleb] It's the way forward.

You can actually tell how much muck's going on your fields.

That's what we need to know. The fertiliser price is so high.

[Jeremy] You're pretty much full now.

[Kaleb] Yeah.

[Jeremy] And then that just flings it out over the field, does it?

[Kaleb] I et's put it this way. I had a stone the other day go out 48 metres.

48 metres out of the back?

[Kaleb] 48 metres out the back of this spreader,

through a window, through a blind,

hit a chair and hit a fridge.

[Jeremy] Where? In Chadlington?

[Kaleb] Yeah, on Simon's field, in the middle of Chadlington.

It hit the top of the chair and ripped all the leather off it.

So don't go behind your muck spreader then.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] I then got a first-hand demonstration

of the muck spreader's Gatling-gun power

as Kaleb's brother fertilised the field.

[Jeremy] Jesus. Why don't they use that... The Army should use that.

[Kaleb] Win a lot of wars with that, wouldn't you?

If you loaded that up with gravel and then drove through a war zone...

- [Kaleb chuckling] You would literally... - You'd properly get people to duck!

[Jeremy] I was extremely happy to be using free fertiliser,

but we only had enough to cover 25 acres.

So it was up to farm manager Kaleb to decide

how many chemicals he'd need to fill in the gaps.

He therefore invited Charlie over to his new office.

[Kaleb] So I've just been working this out.

What's "this"?

- The cropping. - I've done that.

Yeah, but I'm doing it. 'Cause I'm farm manager.

Well, what? Okay. Well, what's "your" plan?

[Kaleb] So, I think wheat down the right-hand side of the farm,

which I call the right-hand side, which is Big Ground Banks Airfield.

- The eastern side. - Yeah. Or that side, yeah.

- The eastern side. - Yeah. Okay. Right-hand side.

And then spring wheat in basically the middle end of the farm.

- Okay. - Yeah?

And you said... Did you say about 100,000 pounds' worth of fertiliser?

Roughly.

I think I can get it down to about 78,000 pounds.

We've got the chicken muck, we've got the cow muck.

Okay. So you're hoping that that cuts the amount of artificial nitrogen?

- Yeah. - Don't be short on nitrogen.

And don't cut corners unnecessarily.

- The risk's gone through the roof. - Yeah.

'Cause you've got higher growing costs, you've got higher pricing.

You know, we need the output to maximise our income,

because that'll give you your profit at the end of the day.

I think we can save 22,000 pounds.

Well, let's hope it works.

- This farm competition... - [Kaleb sighing] Oh, yeah.

Are you okay with it?

I mean, the man can hardly farm the farmed, let alone farm the unfarmed.

God knows what he's gonna... God knows his ideas.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] As they discussed this, I was busy in the barn,

working on another blackberry-harvesting solution.

And I must say, I was rather pleased with it.

[engine sputtering]

[Jeremy] And now, we move to the other side of the vehicle,

where we find the vacuum cleaner.

Simply apply the vacuum cleaner to the blackberry.

Yes!

Who knew!

I've done a thing that works!

I'm harvesting a bush.

And it's only pulling off the black ones,

it's not pulling off the unripe red ones.

We're not using CGI here. This is real.

Ah-ha.

I don't know what sort of vacuum cleaner this is, I'm not an expert,

but they're marketing it all wrong.

Look at that. Five minutes.

And they're red ones. I'm staggered!

[laughs gleefully]

[Jeremy] Once I'd harvested the hedge...

I headed to the farm kitchen,

leafed through Mrs Beeton's old cookery book...

Blackberries, lemon juice, sugar.

[Jeremy] And then started to make some Diddly Squat blackberry jam.

Woah. Bloody hell.

So all I have to do is add the jam sugar,

add the lemon juice,

bubble them away for half an hour or so,

cool it, sell it.

One hour's work.

An hour to harvest them. Two hour's work.

This is pure profit.

Hello.

- [Charlie] What are you doing? - Making jam, dear boy. Making jam.

This is new farming, this is.

[Jeremy] Given that we weren't dealing with cows or crops,

I assumed there'd be no opportunity for finger-wagging.

Erm, so, clearly blackberries.

- [Jeremy] Yeah. - How much is in there?

Well, that many.

- No, but how many? - Oh, I don't know.

You've gotta measure it. You can't just chuck it all in.

- [Charlie] You're gonna sell the jam. - Yeah.

Have you done your food hygiene test?

No.

What pH is it? Does it contain any allergens? You'll have to put...

Well, what if someone's allergic to blackberries?

Well, you'll have to put on there.

"May contain blackberries" in this blackberry... You're...

- [Charlie] Is it just blackberries? - No. Lemon juice.

But you'll have to list what's on here. It's got potassium metabisulfites in it.

- So you've gotta list... - So on my jam, I've got to write.

"May contain traces of potassium metabisulfite"?

- Yes. Because... - That's not very good marketing.

[Charlie] Okay, are you're making jam, or preserve, or conserve?

What's the difference?

So, okay, there is a difference, and it's all to do with sugar content.

You know on the side of a jam thing, it says:

"This was made with X amount of fruit"?

So, like, 50 grams of fruit made 100 grams of jam?

I don't know what you're talking about.

What does Mrs Beeton... She'll say that

you've gotta have a specific amount of sugar to make it jam.

No, she doesn't.

[Charlie] Three pounds to three pounds!

Well, I'll put the three pounds of sugar in then.

- How many blackberries have you got? - I don't know!

[laughing] So basically, you can't use that.

- [Jeremy] What? - You haven't weighed it.

- You need to know... - I can't use it?

[Charlie] You'll need to start again.

[Jeremy] I wasn't the only one being bashed on the rocks

by Charlie's waves of negativity,

because on the other side of the farm,

Kaleb was also getting a drubbing over his plans to plant oilseed rape.

- I have... your new cropping plan. - All right. Brilliant.

- [Charlie] You've still got rape? - Yeah.

Why?

- I think it's a risk. - It is a risk.

- When did it last rain? - I can't remember.

Like, April. There's no moisture. The ground's hard.

We're gonna have flea-beetle pressure.

I dunno when it's gonna rain.

[Kaleb] But I think it's a risk we've gotta take.

How many farmers this year have not grown rape because of the weather?

- Okay. Quite a lot. - A lot. Yes.

So therefore the price, if it's 5.75 at the moment,

in a year's time, when they say there's a shortage of rape,

because of the reason of no farmers are growing it 'cause of the weather, yeah?

That price could increase.

- If this pulls off... - If.

Or, it fails?

I am willing to risk planting oilseed rape this year

- as farm manager. - Are you chasing

the bottom line of the farm

or are you just trying to chase Jeremy 'cause he's got a good head start?

The farm.

And Jeremy.

- Focus on the farm. - I am! I am!

Okay.

I am. It'll be fine.

[Jeremy] I agreed with Charlie that rape was a bad idea,

but there was no time to discuss this

because I needed to hoover up more blackberries for my jam.

[Jeremy] If we weigh this, we'll know how much fruit goes in each jar.

[Charlie] How do you know you're gonna fill them the same level each time?

We're not buying cocaine. It's not like you say 2 grams or 20.

There's a big difference.

[struggling for words] I'll go with your logic.

Right.

- That jar with the lid weighs 228 grams. - [Charlie] Yeah.

[Jeremy] With the fruit in it's 443 grams.

So 215.

- [Jeremy] Is that the difference? - Yeah.

So we know that in each jar, there will be 215 grams of fruit.

- [Jeremy] Yes? - Yeah.

[Jeremy] If I wash this, it'll be all right to use again, won't it?

[Charlie] Yeah, that's the whole point of glass jars, Jeremy, you can reuse them.

- Exactly. - [Charlie] There you go.

- [Jeremy] Do I have to sterilise it? - Yes, you do have to sterilise it.

We've been through that. Put it in a warm oven for ten minutes.

Lid and jar sterilising.

[beeping]

- [Jeremy] No. No. - [Charlie stammers]

[beeping]

- No, there's just nothing there. - No.

- The oven's here. - Oh, right. What's this then?

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Despite these minor setbacks,

a couple of days later, my jam was ready to go on sale.

There's all those.

All these.

It cost nothing to plant the blackberries.

I didn't have to fertilise them. I didn't have to do anything.

Eat your heart out, Kaleb.

[Jeremy] Look what I have got for you.

- [Lisa] No way! - Yes way!

- How much can we sell it for? - What would you like to charge?

Well, it cost 1.49 pounds to make.

60p for the jar, 47p for the label,

and 42p for the sugar in each one.

I think 3.60 pounds is a reasonable amount.

- I mean, I can sell it for 4.80. - [Jeremy] It's 3.60.

I'm not having any of your...

[in Irish accent] "Well, hoo, we can get away with charging more."

3.60.

[Jeremy] As good as it was to see my jam on the shelves,

I knew that my current sources of income from farming the unfarmed

would soon dry up.

Autumn was now upon us,

which meant the bees would knock off for the year

and the hedges would become bereft of fruit.

However, I'd had another money-making brainwave

and I couldn't wait to tell Charlie all about it.

[groans]

I've got a new thing.

Pigs.

Pigs?

Pigs. And there's method in my madness.

[stammers]

This is the Prime Minister speaking. Ready?

In a fortnight I'm going to Paris

for the world's largest food trade fair

and I will be bigging-up British products.

In December, I'll be in Beijing, opening up new pork markets.

And she paused there for applause that didn't come.

But I was paying attention.

So she's opening up new pork markets.

And this is a woman who's... She's the Prime Minister, now.

Thousands and thousands of Conservative Party members have looked at her

and said "She's wise, she's on it, she's bright, she's the right choice."

So she thinks there's going to be a burgeoning pork market in China. Hmm?

So do you want to breed pigs?

Yes! 'Cause then you get piglets.

It'd be fun to have little piglets running around... Won't it?

It would be much easier from a management point of view...

- Yeah? - to just buy piglets in,

fatten those up, and then kill them to sell in the farm shop.

But then you'd have to buy more. Why don't you just get them breeding?

As soon as you've got a breeding pig, it's a 365 thing.

Somebody's gotta be here every single day,

watering, feeding, moving, checking the welfare.

I cannot believe pigs are complicated.

[laughs]

So you have the babies, chop them up, sell them in the shop, sausages.

You get so much from a pig.

But I just... you've...

You've jumped from pigs to the farm shop without,

I think, full consideration of the production bit.

Liz Truss says I can sell them in Beijing. She's opening up...

I don't want you to sell them in Beijing. Sell them at the farm shop.

- I'm gonna sell them in there. - Who's gonna look after them?

- Me. - Every day?

Yes. I'm here every day.

- When you're not here? - Kaleb.

- Has he got enough time? - Yes.

- Where are they gonna live? - Well...

Because Kaleb can't get the potatoes up, they go up into the

where the potatoes are.

Fine.

We fence that bit off.

- Yep. - They go in there.

And they'll eat all the potatoes, so we get value from the potatoes.

Yeah, but they won't be there forever.

No. Woods. They're gonna be woodland pigs.

I can put them in the woods.

'Cause you know I've got that competition going with Kaleb?

I told him I could generate money from the woods,

- yes? - Yeah.

If I put pigs, once they've eaten all the potatoes out of there

- that he's failed to get up. - Yeah.

- They live in the woods, snouting around. - Yeah.

And I'm making money from my side of the enterprise

because they can truffle about,

and they just turn over the soil looking for acorns and things, don't they?

In an idyllic sort of Winnie the Pooh world.

They're foragers, but they're more like a JCB, they're earth movers.

So you will regenerate the woods into a sort of stock-car track.

You'll have the local kids in there with their BMXs

cycling around these massive earthworks that they've created.

Your ne... This is your most negative yet.

I am just concerned about the production of piglets.

The idyllic nature of it in your mind...

I want to get hundreds of them in the woods,

rootling around, clearing away the thorns.

[stammering] I, I, I... Look...

Actually, I'm gonna get on it now. I'm on it.

I'm going to find a pig farmer. I'm gonna get some pigs.

Piggly Squat Pork.

Come on!

Yes!

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] As I set to work, with no help from Charlie,

Kaleb took the Lambo in for a much-needed service...

And then used his own toy tractor to work the fields,

whose walls were now looking a bit tired as Gerald was still feeling poorly.

Then it was time for Kaleb and I to have a serious chat

about how our competition was going.

Hmm.

It looks horrible.

Damsons in vodka.

Leave it for a couple of months. And then, sell that.

And we can make our own vodka, according to Lisa...

- So how mu... - With our potatoes.

- [Kaleb] How much money's... - There?

How much money worth is that?

Three, four hundred quid.

This is the future of farming.

- [Kaleb] It's not a future. - Well, it is...

That's gonna get someone drunk for one night.

You think one person could drink all that?

I think you could drink all of that.

[Jeremy] We then discussed the bill for servicing the Lambo.

- What is it? - Well, there's a lot of stuff.

- Yeah, I mean, it's buggered. - Also... It's not buggered!

- It is. It's time to get a new... - The brakes weren't working.

Just get a new one. What's the total?

Could you add these up?

3,259,

1,543,

99 plus 410.

How much is that?

- [Jeremy] 5,300 pounds. - That's a lot of money.

It's a lot. But, I mean, I'll get three or four years of...

I mean, take that off your margins. Because, I mean, that's...

It's not my margins. It's your farm.

- You're doing the agricultural bit. - All right, then.

- This is coming off yours. - I wanna sell it.

You're not gonna sell it. It's my tractor.

Anyway, listen, we're gonna have a chart of who's doing best.

Pen.

- So this is "Spent" and "Made". - Hmm.

- Jam: 230 pounds. Yes? - Yeah.

230 pounds' profit,

once I'd taken the cost of the jars off and everything else, right?

Hmm-hmm.

You spent 78,000 pounds on fertiliser.

Made nothing.

So that's where we are at the moment. I'm 230 pounds up.

You're minus 78,000 pounds.

And how much have you spent on seed?

2,500 on the rape.

So rape, which I told you not to drill, which you did:

2,500. Wheat?

- [Kaleb] Six grand. - 6,000 pounds.

- [Jeremy] Chemicals? - 1,500.

- [Jeremy] Diesel? - 2,000 pounds.

2,000 in diesel.

[Kaleb] I don't like this game.

- [Jeremy] Just... Tractor service? - You broke that though.

So you are now at 78,

80, 86, 87, 89, 94

minus 95,400 pounds.

And I'm plus 230 pounds.

So I'm 95,630 pounds ahead of you.

I haven't... Oh, my honey!

- [Jeremy] 8,000 pounds. - What?

A profitable item.

So I'm actually 8,230 pounds up,

which proves my idea of farming unfarmed land... is working well.

[Jeremy] Given that Kaleb's side of the board

looked like Boris Becker's bank statement,

I decided to fire up my newly serviced tractor,

and help him out with some topping work in the fields.

Kaleb's out in his old Lamborghini today.

So we've got a brace of Lamborghinis on the job.

[upbeat music]

A job for Gerald there, look. A broken wall.

Probably badgers.

[Kaleb on radio] What's it like to have your tractor back then?

[Clarkson on radio] It's so nice. And it stops when I want it to.

Brakes are good. Power's good.

Comfort's good. Air conditioning's working.

[Jeremy's phone rings]

Hello?

Yeah. [Turns tractor off]

Hi. How's things?

[sighing] Oh no.

Right. Yeah.

Is there anything you want?

Right. Okay. Look, I'll see you later on, okay?

All right. Take care.

[sighs] Gerald's got cancer.

[sighs] Oh shit.

[credits over silence]