Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[upbeat music playing]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[wolf howling]

[energetic music playing]

[birds chirping]

[monkeys hooting]

[birds chirping]

[monkeys hooting]

[birds chirping]

[monkeys hooting]

[monkeys hooting]

[birds chirping]

[monkeys hooting]

[birds chirping]

[birds chirping]

[monkeys hooting]

[energetic music continuing]

[birds tweeting and chirping]

[birds tweeting and chirping]

-[monkeys hooting] -Hey, folks, it's me,

Dwayne Hoover, slashing prices 'cause we're going bananas

down here for Hawaiian week.

Come on down to Exit 11 Motor Village,

and I'm gonna slash some prices just for you!

Hey. Ask anybody. You can trust Dwayne Hoover.

[channels changing]

[man on TV] ...deadly germ Anthrax for use as a weapon...

-I...I... -Is there something you wanted

-to say? -I'm sorry.

Sorry?

[man on TV] Sorry I made us order

the pepperoni and anchovies.

[woman] Your breakfast, Mrs. Hoover.

[announcer on TV] When your stomach is under attack,

fight back with maximum-strength tri-peptid.

[birds chirping]

Now available in new orange flavor.

Soothing, fast relief, naturally.

So, now how do you feel?

[heavy breathing] ["Stranger in Paradise" playing]

-* Take my hand * -[watch ticking]

* I'm a stranger in paradise *

* I'm lost in a wonderland *

-* A stranger in paradise * -[heavy breathing continues]

* If I stand starry-eyed *

* That's a danger in paradise *

[gun cocking]

* A mortal to stand beside *

-* An angel like you * -[woman] Mr. Hoover,

breakfast of champions!

-[food sizzling] -Breakfast of champions,

Mr. Hoover.

[woman on TV] Because some things

are too important to trust to just anybody.

[man] Coming up, right after these messages.

[gun clicks]

-[mysterious music] -[Dwayne whistling]

Great news, people, today is not the day.

-Hello, Lottie. -Hello, sir.

White shoulders, you know I love it.

[mysterious music]

Dwayne...

-The poison bubbles almost won. -[water bubbling]

[echoing] The poison bubbles.

The poison bubbles almost won.

Talk to me. Please.

Well, Hawaiian week down at the showroom.

-Ah! I saw your ad on TV, yes. -[birds chirping]

Please say something.

Well, what should I say?

[Lottie] Anything you feel like saying, you're Dwayne Hoover!

People know who you are, don't they?

That's right, Lottie, they do know who I am.

-[chuckles] Who am I... [door closing]

Please.

[birds chirping]

[Dwayne speaking indistinctly on TV]

Are you sorry?

-You can trust Dwayne Hoover. -Sure. Sure, I'm sorry.

[TV continues]

-Sorry as heck. -Then say something.

What should I say, Celia? I mean, I'm just...

-I'm just looking for a... -[TV voice talking indistinctly]

[channel changes]

A sign. Anything, really, Celia.

-I mean... -[eerie music coming from TV]

All day long and... [chuckles] Not much, you know? I mean...

[laughing uneasily]

There are days when I just think, "Is it me or what?"

-What? -Yeah.

[gasps] I know what you can say, Dwayne.

What?

You can say,

-[TV] "Goodbye, Blue Monday." -"Goodbye, Blue Monday."

[woman on TV] I have never experienced

such safe, fast, and effective relief.

Oh.

With a laugh, I can finally say,

"Goodbye, Blue Monday."

-[birds chirping] -[Dwayne whistling]

[door closing]

[dog growling]

No, no.

No, no, Nippy. No, no.

Ow!

No, Nippy! I swear I'm armed! I'll shoot!

-[Nippy growling] -Hey, Nippy!

-[Dwayne shouting] -[Nippy whimpering]

[growling and barking]

This is how dogs get themselves killed.

[car starting up]

[bouncy organ music playing]

[car wheels screeching]

[bouncy organ music continues]

* In oh so many ways *

* A wedding day *

* If I saw you on your wedding day *

[car engine revving]

[spiritual music playing]

[Eliot] Dear Mr. Kilgore Trout,

my name is Eliot Rosewater,

and this is a fan letter.

[industrial whistle tooting]

Plague on Wheels is the greatest novel...

[Kilgore] " Plague on Wheels is the greatest novel

"in the English language.

"I promise to make you famous.

"You should be president of the United States."

What the hell! I mean, look at the handwriting.

-[Bill chirping] -Must be from a kid of 14.

"Promise to make you famous. "

My first fan letter ever,

and I'll show you what I'm gonna do with it. I'll... Watch this.

Two hundred novels, 2,000 short stories.

Never heard back from one publisher, not one,

except that wide-open beaver outfit,

and they didn't pay me doodley-squat.

And then I get a fan letter.

Well, I'll burn you out of my body bag.

I'll be glad when it's over.

[panting]

Can't wait till my head's as empty as the day I was born...

onto this damaged planet all those years ago...

Empty as a child's,

[violin music playing]

a very young child's.

That's why I wrote those stories, Bill.

[Bill chirping]

Get rid of all the junk that's built up over the years.

[upbeat music playing]

[Dwayne inner monologue] Hey, folks, it's me.

Dwayne Hoover. [echoing]

Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover.

Dwayne Hoover. [echoing]

-[ad playing] -[monkeys hooting]

Dwayne Hoover. [echoing]

[echoing]

-[car engine revving] -[Harry] There he goes, Grace.

He's driving by the house because he knows.

-[exotic music playing] -I'm telling ya, Grace.

He knows.

He doesn't know a damn thing, Harry.

Now, will you please get over here and sit down.

[exotic music continuing]

I'm telling you, Grace, Dwayne Hoover...

Dwayne Hoover knows everything.

That is such bullshit.

[sighs] Dwayne Hoover doesn't know his son is a freak.

He doesn't know his wife is suicidal.

He doesn't know. Besides, who cares if Dwayne Hoover knows?

Oh, well... [chuckling]

I care, because I'm his sales manager, and I'm telling you

that Dwayne Hoover is saying and doing things he never used to.

[exotic music continuing]

[both sighing]

-[Grace] Come here, big boy. -[Harry] Grace, listen to me.

-I got somethin' you want. -I've known

Dwayne Hoover for over 21 years.

I know him the way a combat soldier knows his buddy.

Jesus, he knows me.

Harry, first of all, listen to me.

-You were never in the army. -[scoffs]

Second of all, we're the only people in this whole town

who have any kind of sex life.

-You should be proud. -[exotic music continuing]

Grace, I try, oh, but I can't.

Oh, Jesus. I'm the freak, not Dwayne Hoover.

Me! I mean, look. I got a sex problem.

I'll tell you who has a sex problem, Harry.

How many orgasms do you think Dwayne Hoover has a month,

-huh? Lift your skirt up. -[mysterious music playing]

I don't care how many times

-Dwayne Hoover comes a month. -I have 87,

and you have 36.

People like Dwayne Hoover have 1.5. 1.5, Harry.

Now, that is sick.

Let's move to Hawaii and get a condo in Maui

-like we've always wanted. -Oh, Grace, you know we can't.

I mean, think of my job.

Think how long it's taken me to become what I am.

Maui.

[exotic music playing]

Maui.

Maui.

Maui.

[man over loudspeaker] This is an emergency evacuation.

There is an environmental emergency.

[man continues speaking indistinctly]

-[car skidding] -[horn honks]

Hey! Get out of the car, asshole!

I'm gonna teach you a lesson-- why, you're Mr. Dwayne Hoover.

I bought my new car down at Exit 11 Motor Village.

-Where am I? -Oh, Sugar Creek Estates.

-What is happening here? -Oh, don't worry, Mr. Hoover.

Somebody just dumping sludge in the creek.

But the guys are gettin' it cleaned up.

You can go on through if you want to,

but keep it kinda slow for me, will ya, please?

-[tires screeching] -[man shouting]

[officer 2] Hey, you can't go there! I got your license plate!

[officer] That was Mr. Hoover from Exit 11.

Oh, I should have got his autograph.

Doggone it. My wife's never gonna believe that I did this.

-What's that? -Another special delivery.

Two in one week! You ain't dead yet, old man. Here you go.

[Fred] Dear Mr. Trout,

My name is Fred T. Barry, Chairman of the Arts Festival,

celebrating the opening of the Mildred T. Barry

Memorial Center for the Arts,

-in Midland City. -[cash register bell chiming]

It would be our most profound honor

for you to be one of our creative and distinguished

out-of-town participants. This check for 1,000 dollars

is for travel expenses and an honorarium.

Why all this sudden interest in Kilgore Trout, Bill, huh?

Some mistake's been made. No question.

Maybe they've invited me because they know I've got a tuxedo.

Ever show you my tuxedo, Bill, huh? Yeah.

If they really want Kilgore Trout,

they'll want him in a tuxedo. Ah.

[Bill chirping]

High school dance.

Believe it or not, once even I was young, Bill. Me.

Hey.

Yeah, it's quite a good fit, huh? Hey, Bill, what is that?

["Stranger in Paradise" playing]

[scatting] Cha, cha, cha.

[continues scatting] Cha, cha, cha.

-[continues singing] -[Bill chirping]

I'm too old for all that.

Why go all the way out to Midland City just

to make a laughingstock of myself? I'm my only fan.

[Bill chirping]

Anyway, if I went out there, I'd want to read...

out loud from my own stuff.

Means I'd have to go to those wide-open beaver bookshops...

and dig out some of my published work.

[mysterious music playing]

They don't want nothin' but smilers out there.

Unhappy failures need not apply.

Maybe unhappy failures is exactly what they should see.

Show those provincials

what nobody's ever seen before at an arts festival.

Someone who's devoted his entire life

searching for truth and beauty...

and didn't find doodley-squat.

The creator who's failed and failed and failed.

Think there's anybody in Midland City

who'd listen to a cockroach like that, Bill?

-Anybody at all, huh? -[Bill chirping]

Maybe it's my mission, Bill. Think it could be my mission?

[upbeat music playing]

[bird squawking]

[monkeys hooting]

[disembodied voice] Dwayne.

-[monkeys hooting] -[music continuing]

[relaxing music playing]

[monkeys hooting]

* Happy, happy birthday From your staff all who *

* We wish you happy birthday *

* So we could party too, hey! *

[relaxing music continues]

[door chimes]

[Harry] See? See, Francine? What'd I tell you?

Something's come over him. I've never seen this Dwayne before.

-[Francine] Oh, Harry. -[more phones ringing]

Dwayne may be the most charming man in Midland City,

but he's also very shy.

Well, I don't find him so charming anymore.

He was walking away from me just now.

Oh, Harry.

Dwayne Hoover has fewer bad days than anybody else I know.

-But why me? -Oh, Harry!

Why me?

[monkeys hooting]

-Dwayne? Honey! -Not now, Francine.

-I mean, Mr. Hoover. -[elephants trumpeting]

Just leave me alone, please.

We didn't mean to embarrass you.

I was embarrassed.

Can we have breakfast, please?

It's your birthday.

Don't touch me. They're all watching.

Nobody can see what we're doing. Nobody can hear us.

-[soft music playing] -[diner noise]

-Hey! Francine. -What?

Why are you pouring cream in my bananas?

It's not cream, it's La Crème.

* It's like cream only better *

I only like sugar on my bananas. Francine, you know that.

[soft music continues]

I don't like when you're sharp, Dwayne Hoover,

and you've been sharp quite a lot lately.

-It's beginning to make me think -[register bell ringing]

-that the things Harry Le Sabre -[ringing continues]

says about you are true.

[diner noise continuing]

What things? What's Harry saying?

[Francine] Oh, that you've changed,

that you're not the man you used to be.

I swear, Francine,

this is why I go home and talk to my dog for hours and hours,

and my dog hates my guts.

Dwayne Hoover, am I losing you?

The only thing anyone's losing around here is their mind,

Francine.

If you don't like me anymore, Dwayne Hoover, just say so.

I can take the truth.

Truth... [echoing]

[man] Damn, Rosemary, take them damn pills!

You're turnin' me into plutonium!

Oh, good morning, Mr. Hoover.

You're looking especially well this morning.

Excuse me, we are having a private--

-[Rosemary screaming] -Francine, I mean sir...

We are having a private conversation, if you don't mind.

We gotta get outta here

-right now! -Vernon, get--

get your hands off me, murderer!

I want Dwayne Hoover to take me home.

Vernon, this is a demerit on your performance record.

I know things that could make your head spin.

My head spins all the time. I'm trying to make it stop.

[Vernon] We gotta get outta here

-right now! -[Rosemary screaming]

Is there anything I can get for you, Mr. Hoover?

Oh, I can't stand that woman. She is such a phony.

That was a real violation of protocol.

Dwayne? Dwayne?

[mysterious musical sting]

Hey, I didn't know Vernon had an SE coupe just like mine.

-[soft music playing] -I don't care!

-I love him! -[Dwayne] Francine...

[Francine] Except he's got a rear deck spoiler.

[Dwayne] Francine, please.

They look awfully masculine, don't you think, Dwayne?

Francine, please be quiet.

Dwayne, are you changing again? Harry was right.

-Oh, shut up! -[gasps]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Francine, I didn't mean it.

-Sit down, please. -No.

Mr. Hoover,

I am crossing the street and going directly

-to work. -[man] Hey, it's Dwayne Hoover!

-I will behave in a -How you doin'!

professional manner, no matter how much you've changed.

[trudging music playing]

A thousand dollars. That's a lot of paper.

A lot of paper, a thousand dollars.

Who in their right mind would give me a thousand dollars?

Why me?

[chuckles]

And they think I can write? I can write?

I'll show 'em.

-[upbeat music playing] -Howdy, partners!

Dwayne Hoover here! And the stampede is on at

Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village! It's Hawaiian week,

and that means great savings on new and used cars and trucks.

So don't get left out in the dust!

Come on down and check out our big deals on big horsepower!

Whoo!

That's right, it is Hawaiian Week

at Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village...

Why Wayne Hoobler smilin'? Wayne Hoobler gettin' out today?

That there is Dwayne Hoover on television.

My name and his sound so much alike.

-You can trust Dwayne Hoover. -I trust him.

Can't trust nobody, Wayne Hoobler, just me.

Oh, no, I trust Dwayne Hoover,

and I'm gonna work for him at Exit 11 Motor Village

in Midland City.

Don't forget, Dwayne Hoover means good business.

I'm gonna live happily ever after in fairy--

Gonna say fairyland, Wayne Hoobler?

No. No, honest. Swear.

Gallop on down to Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village!

[Eli] All you know is from watchin' TV.

-We got you covered. -You can't even count money.

Let me tell you something.

The creator of the universe is watchin' over me,

and I'm gonna work for Dwayne Hoover 'cause it's my callin'.

Warden's ready for you, Hoobler. It's your lucky day.

Not yours, Eli.

[trudging music playing]

Where in hell do they get these crazy picture ideas?

There's absolutely nothing about a college professor

or sorority girls in the body of this novel.

Excuse me.

No women, for cryin' out loud.

That's why I didn't get paid for it.

All I got was doodley-squat.

Doodley-squat.

[couple moaning]

Watch it, perverted bastard.

[orchestral music playing]

-[trudging music playing] -[couple moaning]

My God! "The Dancing Fool. "

I never realized this had been published. This...

must be more than 30 years old.

It's for an arts festival.

[cat meowing]

-"What is the purpose of life?" -[trudging music continues]

To be the eyes and ears

and conscience of the creator of the universe. Ya fool!

-[Kilgore yelps] -[garbage can crashing]

[wolf howling]

[officer] Let's go over their descriptions again.

Try age, color of skin, et cetera.

For all I know they may not have been earthlings. For all I know

they may have been an intelligent gas from Pluto.

[officer] You have some blood on your nose.

A small leak can sink a great ship. Benjamin Franklin.

-That gas moved fast like a... -[dramatic music playing]

fart on linoleum. Kilgore Trout.

[relaxed music playing]

-[monkey hooting] -[elephant trumpeting]

Hey! Don't be a caveman!

Escape to the future, and come on down to Dwayne Hoover's

Exit 11 Motor Village and I'll make ya a mammoth deal!

That's right, folks. It's Hawaiian week,

and you can trust your old pal-- that's me, Dwayne Hoover--

to make you a great deal on a luxury sedan

just like this one.

-[bus doors opening] -Your stop, Hoobler.

-[Dwayne continues] -[relaxed music continuing]

-[bus driving away] -[relaxed music continuing]

And I'm talkin' luxury with attitude, folks.

Yes, sirree, Bob. Luxury with style. Luxury with...

bird shit on the hood!

-[director] Pan to Le Sabre. -There's bird shit on the hood!

-Harry, you're on! -[aerosol can spraying]

Hi. I'm Harry Le Sabre.

Sales manager for Exit 11 Motor Village.

-[relaxed music continuing] -[animal sounds continuing]

As Dwayne Hoover just told you folks, it's Hawaiian week here.

Tell them about the bird shit on the hood, why don't ya?

And we're loaded with new cars and trucks!

Hawaiian week celebrates our inventory reduction sale.

So come on down and drive out with a new automobile,

plus a cash rebate of 1,149 dollars...

and become eligible for a free trip to Hawaii.

So, remember,

it's not too late to enter! It is... Remember...

Let us prove to you...

[chuckling] that what's good for Dwayne Hoover...

is good for you...

too!

I'd like to see you in my office right away, Harry.

-[director] Cut, cut. -[music slows and stops]

Harry, what the hell were you thinking?

-Do you think we got anything? -[cameraman] Not much.

[director] Harry, you spoiled the whole thing!

-[bird squawking] -Mr. Hoover!

Mr. Hoover, I'm sorry about yesterday morning

in the restaurant. My wife, you know, she's...

She sees things that aren't really there.

I understand.

Maybe I'm goin' crazy. I don't know.

I'll go home for hours and talk with my gosh-darn dog.

-I understand. -Mr. Hoover!

-How you doing, there, sir? -Good morning,

It's a pleasure to finally meet you. I've been watching you

-half of my life. -Good morning.

Remember this? It's from your July 4th Firecracker Sale.

-Yeah. -Had it in my wallet

-since I was nine. -Good morning.

Sir, the good Lord meant for us to work so close

because our names are so close, you see?

-Mine is... Wayne Hoobler. -Hoobler.

Isn't that beautiful?

I'm gonna have my own car dealership one day

just like you.

Never told anyone that though. Saved it just for you, sir.

-Good morning. -Good morning, sir.

It's a great morning, sir.

-Beautiful day, sir! -Just stop shaking my hand now,

-young man. -[both muttering indistinctly]

You know, you look great. Hop on in.

[relaxed music playing]

-Young man! Young man! -That's what I told Eli.

Young man! Stop shaking my...

-[phones ringing] -My God.

[animals calling]

Fairyland!

Harry! Harry!

Come over here. I need to speak to you right this second.

-[phones ringing] -I didn't really say that.

Dwayne, what can I say?

I always knew you'd find out someday. But, you know, we've

been friends far too long for such a thing to ever interfere--

-with our relationship. -Harry. Harry. Harry.

Do you see this-- Harry! Do you see this young man over here?

-Please. Take good care of him. -Yeah.

-Okay. -Give him whatever he wants.

Dwayne, I don't know what made me think I could

hide it from you. You know, Grace said

-Harry! Harry! -it's just a--

Harry!

We'll discuss it in my office, okay?

All right.

The inquisition.

-Harry, put 'er there. -Hello.

-Wayne Hoobler. -Hoobler.

Hoobler, yes. It's a pleasure.

-That your office back there? -Yes.

-Let's go take a look. -Oh!

[phones ringing]

[Dwayne clearing throat]

For some reason,

this looks like it's turning out to be another one of those

tough days, Francine, so let's just keep everything nice and--

-Excuse me, Mr. Hoover. -[phones ringing]

Ever since breakfast yesterday

I've been thinking very hard on the subject, and...

I've decided that I feel I should quit.

I think it'll be easier on both of us.

You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it sure helps.

Well, that's just to keep people from being serious all the time,

Mr. Sourpuss.

I'm sorry, Dwayne. I know you're just tense.

You're-- you're under a lot of pressure.

You remember how you were last year

during the George Washington Day Giveaway Sale?

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

I swear, some people will swallow almost anything.

-[pill clatters] -[mysterious music playing]

I'm sorry. I wasn't referring to your wife when I said that.

Dwayne, I have a little something for you.

Just a gift to take with you.

And, um, I forgive you for yesterday...

[whispering] snooks.

[animal sounds]

I've been watching Dwayne Hoover ever since I was nine years old.

-Nine years old. -Uh-huh.

Did he ever say anything about me, about my habits?

He said you'd give me what I need.

Give you what you need. Well... [clears throat]

I wonder what the hell he meant by that, huh?

[sniffs inhaler]

-No, please. Put that down. -[mysterious music playing]

That's much, much better. It's a little medicine. [chuckling]

Now, why don't you fill out this entry form here,

and let's see what we can do for you.

Oh, what would you like?

-Hay...hay...way... -Sports sedan, for color?

Metallic gray purple. Now that should make your mouth water.

That should make life in the passing lane

a little more comfortable, huh?

Hawaii.

Hawaii. It's Hawaiian Week,

and you're eligible for a free trip to Hawaii.

-[monkey sounds] -I don't wanna go there.

[Harry] Just come and sit down.

I wanna stay here.

Well, that's all right.

You don't have to go. That's all right.

Now, do you have a trade-in?

A trade?

Yes.

Yes, sir.

I'm a homemaker, honest.

Oh, you're a homemaker, huh?

[chuckles]

Well, maybe this sports sedan isn't quite right for you.

How about a Crown Victoria?

One owner, low miles. Little old lady

only drove it to a retirement home.

You have that for me?

Yes.

Just sign right here and I'll get you the keys.

Fairyland!

-What? -[monkeys hooting]

-What? -What'd you just say?

I didn't say nothin'. I didn't say nothin'.

Yes, you did.

-Must've been somebody-- -No, no. Goddamn it.

I distinctly heard you say, "F-- Fairy."

Why'd you say that?

Please, please help me. I need to know why you said that.

Now look, look. Is that the image?

Is that the image? Does it show?

For God's sake, man, tell me! Does it show?

[both] Please don't tell Dwayne Hoover!

Look, I'm not lost, I swear!

I promise. It's just, it's just all the colors!

Colors? What colors?

For Christ's sake, you have colors on!

This is a black suit!

This is a conservative black suit.

[sniffing inhaler]

-[snorting] -[relaxed music playing]

-Oh. Oh. Much, much better. -[monkeys hooting]

-Now, sit down, Mr. Hoover. -"Bler."

-Uh, "Bler"? -Hoobler.

Oh.

See, the good Lord gave us names so close,

so that both of us would know exactly what to do.

Hoobler. That's true.

Now, listen to me.

Now, there are ways to hide these papers.

Permanently.

But you, you must never, ever tell anyone

about our little talk today.

-[whispering] Yes, sir. -Ah.

-And thank you, sir. -Oh, thank you.

-Could you do me a favor? -Mm-hm.

[normal voice] Tell Dwayne Hoover I'll be here

bright and early in the morning.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait.

You can't come back.

Bright and early!

[Wayne] It's my calling!

You can't come back!

-[groaning] -[relaxed music continuing]

[whispers] One, two, three, four.

[bird squawking]

[phone ringing]

-[phone ringing] -[sighs]

Hello?

Dwayne knows. Everybody knows.

He wants to see me in his office. What do I do?

I'm a nervous wreck.

Just take a Relax.

Oh, Jesus, I've already taken four time capsules, Grace.

-Maui beckons. -No, no, no. Please, Grace.

Please. This is very, very important. Listen to me.

Harry, what's important is what is,

and you are the result of two million biological years.

Don't blow it. I love you.

[phone hangs up]

Ah! Don't blow it, yeah.

[mellow music playing]

[packing paper rustling]

[rapid music playing]

[envelope tearing]

[man] Dear Mr. Hoover, Sugar Creek Estates,

of which you are the primary stockholder and chief developer,

will be the subject of a public forum

to discuss the toxic soil findings

beneath the development site.

[rapid music continuing]

[industrial whistle blowing]

[truck engine revving]

[truck horn blowing]

[man] Midland City. Come on.

Ah, how can you stand that smell out there?

Whoa, shut the door.

-[trudging music playing] -Whoo! Whoo.

It's all poison now.

Think of the shit most of these factories make.

Raspberry air freshener. Gourmet cat food.

Plastic donuts.

I used to be a conservationist.

Used to weep and wail when I heard

about people shooting bald eagles

from the helicopters and all that.

But I gave it up. I laugh about it now.

I say, "Up your ass! Man needs his gas!"

You ever read a story called "Gilgongo"?

About a planet that becomes too unpleasant because there was

too much creation going on?

-Gil what? -Gilgongo.

Extinct.

-[bird squawking] -I gotta take a leak.

I understand that to mean you're gonna steal a mirror.

-Steal a mirror? -Leaks.

The holes between two universes.

Don't get too near to that leak.

You don't want to wind up in the other universe, do you?

Uh, maybe you should take some more time to relax, Gramps.

Time is a joker. The only solution to any problem is time.

How lucky can you get?

All right, that's 23.50 for the diesel.

Yeah, don't forget to clean the side leak there.

-The what? -The leak.

-The mirror! -[bird squawking]

Oh, the mir-- Oh, well, that's funny.

What are you lookin' at?

[twinkling music playing] [humming]

[children laughing, shouting]

[violin music playing]

[tense music playing]

[door knocking]

[muffled speaking]

Just a gosh-darn minute!

[clattering]

Okay.

Dwayne.

[chuckles]

How's my old Army buddy?

[Dwayne] As well as can be expected, Harry.

How about you? You having any problems?

No. No.

I, uh... I don't know how to say it, buddy.

I guess it started with a Tugboat Annie movie.

[laughs] Yeah?

Yeah. Maybe it was panties on a clothesline,

or Mother's bra in the laundry,

or, you know, sister's slip, the silk.

Harry, Vernon Garr's wife, Rosemary,

thinks Vern is trying to turn her brain into plutonium.

What do you think of that?

Oh...

God, that's just...

We play around. Horsie, dressy.

Grace and I, it's fun.

But it's a private thing. It's in our own house.

We don't--

[Harry stammering]

You know--

What's wrong?

It's, we don't have any children.

So, you know, why contribute to overpopulation?

Harry, sit down please.

Sit down.

[stammering] Jesus.

Sit down!

That's good. You did sit down.

Why did you sit down, Harry?

Because you asked me to, Dwayne.

Right.

Good.

I asked you to sit down, and you did.

You do that, don't you, Harry?

People ask you to do things and you do that.

Why is that, Harry?

Uh, what are you saying, Dwayne?

What are you saying, Harry?

Well, what I'm saying is that...

I guess that I don't really understand my own statement.

You know?

Is that why you're telling people

that I've changed, Harry?

[Harry] Oh, no, no, no.

I just said you're behaving a little differently.

[stammering]

I meant as a compliment.

You meant it as a compliment.

Yes.

So you weren't happy with the way I was before?

-No. -Are you sure this doesn't

have anything to do with the fact

that only you know that I was adopted, Harry?

-[Harry stammers] -I want the truth!

Good God, Dwayne, no! Come on. We're army buddies. Army!

You weren't in the Army, Harry, remember?

You stayed home.

I was in the Signal Corps.

You were not in the Army.

Harry.

I've never let fact

that you have the name of a Buick come between us.

-Have I, Harry? -No.

-Because you can't help that. -Right.

-It's not your fault. -Right.

You can't change that, can you, Harry?

Mm-mm.

-But this is Hawaiian Week. -Yeah.

I suggest you go get with Vernon Garr.

Have him get you some cotton waste.

Soak it in blue Sunoco.

And I want you to burn your entire wardrobe.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Now, look, in the old days

when we first started selling new cars,

we sold them to older people.

Under those circumstances, it was perfectly all right

to dress the way you dress.

Hey, you could dress like a mortician,

you could dress like my Aunt Clarice for that matter,

but doggone it, Harry, you seem to be forgetting something.

We are selling the most aggressively designed automobile

on the road today for people that are looking

for unsurpassed driving excitement.

But look at you. You're dressed like an undertaker.

Now, Harry, I have some good news.

Modern science has given us a whole

new wonderful array of colors

with exciting names like red, blue, orange, yellow, pink.

Am I making myself clear?

Why don't you come right out and say it, Dwayne?

Say what, Harry?

That I like to wear women's clothes.

[gong chiming]

Is that what you like, Harry?

-Yeah. -[exotic music playing]

Hm.

[chuckling] No.

No, no, no, no. [stammering]

Not exactly.

Then why do you want me to say

that you like to wear women's clothes, Harry?

God, I don't, Dwayne. I don't, I swear to God I don't.

Then what are you saying?

I'll change. I'll change.

-You'll change? -Yes.

-You'll change? -Yes.

-I have your word on that. -Absolutely.

-It's Hawaiian Week, Harry. -Mm-hm.

I've gotta be able to count on you.

Yes, you can.

-So, you change? -Mm-hm.

Don't you worry about me changing.

No, no, no.

That's fair, isn't it?

Oh, absolutely, that's more than fair.

-That's not too much to ask. -No, no, no. Good God, no.

And I wanna be friends, like before.

-Friends? -Yeah.

Buddies?

Buddies.

-Buddies. -Buddies.

You can go, Harry.

All right.

Right now.

Oh. Yes.

Yes, yes, Dwayne.

Buddies.

[phone ringing]

[door shuts]

-[Harry sighs] -[relaxed music playing]

Francine. [chuckling]

He said I dress like an undertaker.

Oh, I thought he was gonna bring up--

Just remember, Harry.

Dwayne Hoover is the best employer in town.

Ah.

[TV powering up]

[announcer speaking indistinctly]

[relaxed music continuing]

[woman on TV] White is for laundry.

[phone ringing]

Thank you for calling Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village,

the number one dealership in the Four Corners area,

where we are celebrating Hawaiian Week

with free prizes and big discounts.

This is Francine Pefko, how may I help you?

Francine.

Dwayne.

I want you to walk out of here with me this very moment.

Go to the Best Western Apollo Inn in Shepherdstown.

-[gasps] -[phone ringing]

Mr. Hoover, you ought to have some crazy

teenager who can run off with you whenever you want her to.

I don't want a crazy teenager, Francine, I want you.

[car wheels squealing]

[car horn honking]

Who's this knucklehead, Harry?

[chuckles] It's Wayne Hoobler.

-He's a friend of Dwayne's. -[car horn honking]

-Take good care of him, will ya? -He looks like a good guy.

-Yeah. -[car horn honking]

How ya doin', buddy? Wanna take her for a spin?

-[car horn honking] -[Vernon speaking indistinctly]

[Wayne] Hey, Mr. Hoover! What say?

[Vernon continues]

Oh, be right back, fellas. We're just going to the... bank.

Maybe stop for a... snack.

-[elephant trumpeting] -[car door shutting]

[Wayne] I'll be here when you get back, Mr. Hoover.

You can count on it!

[Vernon] You could fry an egg on this engine if you wanted to.

[elephant trumpeting]

[trudging music playing]

Extinct. Gilgongo.

-The bull elephant -[water rushing]

makes his way inexorably...

for what he knows to be his own certain death.

Slouching, as it were, to what's his own personal Bethlehem.

Gilgongo!

[door closing]

[Francine] Oh, I love the smell

of raspberry air freshener.

Hmm. TV helps me relax.

[TV powering up]

-Well, -[TV] And finally, Estes Lish

-we sure do want you relaxed, -and Daphne Churl were

-Francine. -arrested today and charged with

the murders of three elderly Michigan widows...

Now why would a thin good-looking man like that

-love a woman so heavy? -...by lethal injection.

-[waterbed sloshing] -Come up here.

Now, welcome to the Monty Rapid Show,

-with Mr. Monty Rapid. -[Francine moaning]

Thank you, my old friend, Virgil.

And welcome, everyone, to The Monty Rapid Show.

Today it is my great privilege to have,

-here in the studio as my guest, -[Francine laughs]

-Mr. Fred T. Barry... -[Francine] Oh, look!

It's Fred T. Barry on The Monty Rapid Show.

Also one of its wealthiest.

-[TV continues] -I love you, Dwayne.

-No, no, Francine, don't. Don't. -[waterbed sloshing]

I know I promised never to say it,

but it's a promise I can't help breaking all the time.

-Please! -[Francine moans]

I know the subject is painful for you, Dwayne,

ever since your wife started acting... crazy.

-That's enough! -But...

-Oh! - ...can expect from your--

-our Arts Festival, Fred? -[Francine moaning]

-Art, Monty, -[Francine] That's it. Oh!

they can expect art.

When I go to heaven... [moans]

on Judgment Day,

and they ask me what bad things I did down here,

I'm gonna have to tell them, well--

-[Francine laughs] -A little art, Monty,

-can go a long way. - It was a promise I made

-Eliot Rosewater... - to a man I loved...and I kept

-Francine. -breaking it all the time.

Let's just drop the whole subject.

[laughs]

-I promised never to say -[TV continues]

-Francine, please don't-- -I love you.

-"The greatest living writer -Love, love, love,

-"in the English language." -love, love,

-[Dwayne] Jesus. -love.

Twist me just a little bit.

-Kilgore Trout. -[Francine moans]

-[waterbed sloshing] -Kilgore Trout [echoing]

You, like, work so hard.

-Kilgore Trout. -If I was a man, I'd be tense

-Kilgore Trout? [echoing] -all the time, too. [giggling]

Kilgore Trout. [echoing]

-[waterbed sloshing] -[relaxed music playing]

-[TV ad playing indistinctly] -[Francine moaning]

[Celia] Dwayne?

Remember when we bundled up baby George...

and took him for his first ride in the station wagon?

He was so happy.

You work so hard, honey. Maybe that's why God created women:

-to help men relax -[Celia giggles]

-from time to time. -[Dwayne laughs uncomfortably]

You feel better now, dear?

Good.

Oh, darn. Oh, I promised Gloria I'd be back in one hour.

The perfect blast, six feet of choice meats, real dairy cheese.

You know, this would be the perfect location

for a fried chicken franchise right here next to the prison.

Dwayne...

you're making a face like a rattlesnake.

-Ah! -[Dwayne muttering on TV]

-Aha what? -Francine!

Next time you want to ask me for a gift,

do me a favor...

and don't hint around

until after we are done making love, okay?

I like to keep my lovemaking and my gift-giving separate!

Dwayne, I don't even know what it is you think I want.

[mocking] I don't even know what it is you think I want, Dwayne!

Why are you doing this to me?

God bless America!

Every woman has her price, Francine.

Yours just happens to be

200,000 dollars with parking and lights!

It's not for me. It's for you. Everything I want is for you!

[mocking] Everything is for you! Everything I want is for you,

-Dwayne! -[Francine gasps]

Harry Le Sabre was right!

He said you'd changed, and, my God, you've changed.

Dwayne Hoover, you have changed! [coughs]

[sighs]

I'm sorry I was so cross with you, Francine.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

You're the most loyal and unselfish person

I've ever known in my whole life.

[creaking]

I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.

-I'm so confused. -Oh, we all are.

I'm just looking for somebody to steer me in the right direction,

just a sign.

I just need somebody to talk to. That's all.

Well, here, baby.

Sit here and...

tell Mommy everything.

Okay.

-Then, tell me, please. -Tell you what, my sweetheart?

What life is about.

Oh, only God knows that, Dwayne.

-Only God -[echoing] God, God. God, God.

God, God. God, God.

[sinister tone playing]

-Francine? -Mm-hm?

Did I ever tell you about my trip to headquarters

in Michigan?

When you won the Golden Sales Award?

-Yes. -Mm-mm.

I was given a tour of the research facility.

And do you know what impressed me the most?

What?

The place where they do everything to cars

that you're not supposed to do to cars.

[jazzy music coming from TV]

I remember seeing a sign on the door of the building

where they did all this torture.

-[car crashing] -[jazz continues]

-It said, "Destructive Testing." -[sinister tone continuing]

[car crashing]

I remember looking at that sign and thinking,

-"Is this what I'm here for?" -[crashing]

"To see just how much a man can take without breaking?"

-[sinister tone continuing] -[TV continues]

-I've lost my way, Francine. -Oh.

Take my hand and lead me out of the woods.

-You're just tired, honey. -I'm way beyond tired.

[Monty coughs]

We're here visiting with Fred T. Barry--

Maybe we should take you to see a doctor?

I don't need to hear what a doctor has to say, Francine.

I've heard what every person in Midland City's had to say twice.

[both] Which one of which one of us would you like, Dwayne?

-[echoing] -[Dwayne whimpers]

Dwayne? Dwayne? What is it?

Dwayne?

I need to hear truths I haven't heard before, Francine.

I may need to speak to someone from another planet.

The function of the artist is to triumph over life.

-[Francine] Snuggies! -It certainly is.

What about the writers and artists coming to Midland City?

What?

Maybe you should talk to one of them.

Mr. Kilgore Trout.

Trout. [echoing]

Kilgore Trout. Wow. [echoing]

[lounge music playing]

* Bunny, Bunny Hoover Bunny, the crooner, Hoover *

* Mr. Rhythm Mover *

Let me have a vodka cranberry, will ya?

-Got a bladder infection. -[bartender] Right.

* Weekdays to please at Best Western Apollo Inn and Lounge *

* And sometimes So I don't have to scrounge *

* At the competition, yeah *

I'm sure that's enough hairspray, Francine.

-Dwayne, just--Just a little. -Fine. Looks fine.

[bouncy organ music playing]

[Francine] Hi.

[receptionist] Checking out so soon? You just got here.

Hey, everybody, now here's a must.

In the lobby it's Dwayne Hoover, the man you can trust.

-[scattered applause] -And there's the lovely

-Francine Pefko, -No!

Daddy's secretary from the get-go.

-[wolf whistle] -Dwayne!

-Isn't that your son, George? -Yes, that's George.

* Can do Francine, I can do Can do a little treasure *

-Come on, Francine, let's go. -Hi, George.

-We're leaving. -* Daddy's pleasure *

I didn't know he was in show business

or that he had a show-business name like Bunny.

* Bunny Hoover can do, yeah *

[bouncy organ music continues]

You're loaded with talent, kid. You know that.

-Yeah? -Absolutely.

[car horns blowing]

-[car horns blowing] -[indistinct chatter]

Did you ever wonder how they get each one

to taste exactly the same?

[Dwayne honking]

Of course, you don't.

You've got too many other things on your mind, bigger things.

I just pray each Sunday that I'll be taken care of,

but you ask questions.

What is going on here?

Everything all right, Mother?

-[humming] -Mom? Mom! Mother!

[sighs]

[Dwayne honking]

It's Dwayne Hoover.

-Hmm! Look, it's Fred T. Barry. -Hello, Dwayne!

And we just saw him on television.

[car honking]

We've located World Classics Library.

What is World Classics Library?

Kilgore Trout's publisher.

-Mmm! Listen. -[radio] This is Fred T. Barry

-on behalf of... -It's Fred T. Barry

on the radio, and he's right next to us.

[cars honking]

Do you suppose that means something, Dwayne?

[radio continues]

[tires squealing]

[radio] ...novelist Mr. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout.

-[car horn blowing] -[Francine] Hey!

You're gonna get us killed!

-Francine, take a memo! -[horn honking]

-[tires squealing] -[car horns blowing]

-Mr. Hoover! -[honks] Turn around, jackass!

[man] What are you, nuts?

I want to meet with Kilgore Trout this weekend

when he comes to Midland City.

You better start driving sensibly, A.S.A.P.,

and I am not kidding!

Just take the gosh-darn memo!

-[Francine gasps] -[cars honking]

[tires screeching]

Oh!

What kind of name is Kilgore Trout?

On the planet, everything is reversed.

-[traveling music playing] -It's chaos.

And the inhabitants live under the snow to keep warm.

They've evolved--

They've evolved nails on what we would call their feet.

They're quadrupeds, and they got eight nails so they don't slip.

And the sun. They don't go in the sun,

because the sun's reversed. It's cold.

It's a cold sun. Cold sun.

Chaos. It's chaos.

Everything's kind of backwards. "Soahc. Soahc."

[car approaches]

[spiritual music playing]

Eliot, I have come to discuss the Arts Festival,

and the arrangements for the El Greco.

[Eliot] Did you find the writer? Kilgore Trout?

Yes, we did.

Wonderful.

I-Is he coming here to Midland City?

Yes, Eliot, he is.

Wonderful!

Eliot, do you know where Kilgore Trout's stories appear?

They appear in porno smut magazines!

Tell him, Howell.

Yes, sir.

Whips and Other Trips, Hard Thing and Black Garter Belt.

You mean like this?

What I know is that Kilgore Trout

should win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

[disembodied voice] Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout. Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout.

[woman on TV] To enhance your life,

Panasonic technology brings you the information.

What you may not know is

that we also bring you the long-lasting,

high-performance batteries you need.

The Plus Alkaline battery from Panasonic.

[woman 2] This guy looks forward to only one thing.

Simmons back care.

[newscaster] 12 people were overcome

by toxic fumes this morning

and were evacuated from their homes at Sugar Creek Estates.

-[comforting music playing] -Celia?

[woman] Sure, we're having good times...

Are you really there?

[man] Kelly Robinson thinks back to the day

she called Prodigal Trust.

They're not happy, Dwayne.

[woman] Bills were adding up,

then there's Scott's new school,

but we thought, "Hey, we can handle this."

Then John's company downsized.

So, John's trying to find a new job,

meanwhile, all these bill collectors...

[Dwayne] That's right.

Nobody's happy. They're just trying to sell you something.

Got so bad we even considered filing for bankruptcy.

But they're together.

A real family.

We're gonna be okay.

They're not a real family.

They're not real. They're not real people.

Real people worry about being surprised, Celia.

They worry about people jumping out at them,

shouting their name at inappropriate times.

They worry about being carted off to the bughouse.

[man] We've been taking care of people for more than 35 years.

Now they're happy.

Celia, snap out of it! They're not real, okay? Real people

don't stand around in the grass like that, all right?

[man on TV] Trust Financial Planners.

They're not real. They're just lying to you. They're hired

to lie to you. That's their job on TV!

-You can't trust these people. -[Dwayne on TV] Hey, folks!

Dwayne Hoover, slashing prices.

We're going bananas down here for Hawaiian Week.

Hey, ask anybody. You can trust Dwayne Hoover.

I'd trust you, Dwayne.

If only you'd tell me which...

[channel changes]

Dwayne to trust.

What is that supposed to mean, hmm?

Hmm, Celia? Is that another one of your little secret messages?

Are you telling me that you're leaving me, Celia? Is that it?

'Cause if you're telling me that just go ahead and tell me,

because I can take it. I can take almost anything these days.

I feel pretty much alone most of the time anyway,

-to tell you the truth. -What I'm trying to say is...

whether we're together...

or apart...

["Night Blue" by Edward Holmes playing]

the moments between us...

["Night Blue" continuing]

have always existed...

and will always...

[sets glass down]

[man on TV] Famalton,

the easy formula for stress relief.

...exist.

Make each day as good as the best day.

Hmm.

So you see what I'm saying about management, kid.

You just need a little guidance--

[gunshot banging]

Jesus. That sounded like a gunshot.

Mommy!

Wait a minute, kid. I'll come with ya.

-[dog barking] -[footsteps approaching]

Pops, don't shoot. It's me.

Don't shoot me either. I'm interested in handling his act.

This isn't the first time I've had a gun pointed--

Don't light that in here. This is a nonsmoking household.

Fair enough. I'll be outside when you're ready, Bunny.

-His name is George. -George.

Did you shoot Mommy?

You were elected cadet colonel at the Prairie Military Academy.

It was the highest rank you could achieve

in your senior year.

It was supposed to make a man out of you.

Why would I want that?

What men do is so often cruel and ugly.

[dog barking]

You looked like your mother just then.

[Celia] Oh, baby.

[Dwayne] Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

[dog barking]

[TV crackling]

[tense music playing]

-[thunder crashing] -The asshole of the universe

ain't Midland City. It's Libertyville, Georgia.

-You ever seen Libertyville? -No, haven't had the pleasure.

Yeah, about 10 years ago

I got caught in a speed trap down there.

Got a little mad and took a swing at the cop.

They put me in jail.

[thunder crashing]

Main industry down there is pulping.

[tense music continuing]

Got trucks bringing in hundreds of tons

of unwanted printed material to Libertyville every day.

-Paper pulping. -Yeah, paper pulping.

They got so many books down there,

they use it for toilet paper.

I sat in jail for two days

with nothing to do but read my toilet paper.

I still remember one of the stories that I read. This story

was about as crazy as anything you ever come across.

It was the last story I ever read, as a matter of fact.

It was about another planet where...

some government guy used a roulette wheel to decide which

artwork to put in the museums and which to keep out.

The roulette wheel is rigged, and then

the guy-- this whatever you call, the...

-uh, uh-- -The Barring-gaffner.

-Yeah, the Barring--Yeah. Yeah! -[thunder crashing]

[chuckling] Hey! That's right.

The toilet paper you read in Libertyville jail was

The Barring-gaffner of Bagnialto...

or This Year's Masterpiece by Kilgore Trout.

-[tense music continuing] -You actually read that thing?

Yeah, of course I read it. [chuckles]

[driver] Boy, what is his name? Trout?

He must be half cracked, don't you think?

Well, he, uh, was self-educated, if that's what you mean.

He didn't finish high school, but he could quote Shakespeare.

-"All the world's a stage. -[thunder crashing]

"All the men and women are merely players."

Yeah. Didn't make any sense.

-[tense music continuing] -It was chaos.

You got that right.

[thunder crashing]

Why would you ever read that nutty story

if you didn't have to?

[thunder crashing]

Why, it takes all kinds of people to make up a world.

-[tense music continuing] -[thunder crashing]

Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover. [echoing]

-[car rushing] -[twinkling music]

-[mysterious music playing] -[elephant trumpeting]

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

-[elephant trumpeting] -[spring boinging]

-Ooh. -[light beeping]

Good morning, Mr. Hoover. [echoing]

-[elephant trumpeting] -Good morning, Mr. Hoover.

[people shouting, echoing] Dwayne Hoover!

Mr. Hoover, we are interested in something

that hauls like a truck,

-but drives like a luxury sedan. -[mysterious music continuing]

Yeah, yeah, and with convenience at our fingertips.

Gonna get a TV set today.

I swear, maybe you might come over for dinner.

Dinner, dinner, dinner. [echoing]

[elephant trumpeting]

-Tell me something. -Yeah?

-Take a look over--over there. -[mysterious music continuing]

You see the young man... wearing a suit, 5'10 and a half?

-Yeah. -Yes.

-Good. -[Wayne whipping rag]

Go talk to him. He'll take good care of ya.

[woman] But, Mr. Hoover, we want to buy a car from you!

-You. [echoing] -[bell ringing, animal noises]

[relaxing music playing]

[bird squawking]

[door chimes]

[Dwayne sighs]

[relaxing music continuing]

[phone ringing]

Dwayne! Buddies.

[music continues]

[gasps]

Princes, Pa-Poo-La.

* Have plenty papaya Oh, me, oh, my-a *

[Harry chuckles]

* You ought to really try a piece of Pa-Poo-La's papaya *

Hawaii! Aloha!

[Dwayne gasping]

-[phone ringing] -Oh, buddies? Oh, Dwayne.

-Look. You know, I got colors. -[relaxing music continuing]

I got pink, and the leotards are green.

You said to... [stammering]

[phone ringing]

Oh, God.

Oh. Ah. Um-- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Oh! Ow! Oh, God. Oh. Ooh.

-[music continues] -[Dwayne panting]

[phone ringing]

-Francine. -[phone ringing]

I may ask you to slip away with me again today.

Oh, you may ask. You may ask,

but I wouldn't go in a million years.

[phone ringing]

Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Motor Village. May I help you, please?

-[monkeys hooting] -Just one moment, please.

It's for you, Mr. Hoover.

Oh, I guess you're not accepting calls today.

Unless I take a G. D. memo, I forget every little thing--

[mumbling] Mr. Hoover, what are you doing?

[Francine sighs]

[voice shaky] Hello?

My name is Horace Durenwurst.

I am with the EPA. I'd like to ask you some questions

regarding the soil toxicity at Sugar Creek Estates.

-[phone hangs up] -[relaxing music continues]

If that man calls back, you tell him I've moved away.

Tell him I've moved to Manitoba. It's in Canada.

[elephant trumpeting]

-[phone ringing] -[exotic music playing]

[Grace sighs]

-Hello? -[Harry] Grace,

he didn't say anything. He didn't do anything.

-He just stood there. -Fuck him, Harry.

The grass skirt fell off and, uh..

To him, obviously, I'm revolting.

[Grace sighs] Harry, how many times do I have to tell you

not to be ashamed of what's underneath?

Oh, God, let's just get to Hawaii as soon as we can.

Yes. Yes, you know, Grace, I think you're right.

-I know I'm right. -You're so wise, Grace.

You know...

I'll get us two tickets to Hawaii.

I'll fix the drawing. I'll get us two tickets to Hawaii.

Oh, that's the best idea you've had since you quit therapy.

[traveling music]

[driver] Oh, boy, oh, boy, look at that.

Now, what's that all about? Those co-ed sex stories

they used to have in college, huh?

It's a science fiction novel written several years ago.

The premise is that life's an experiment

by the creator of the universe.

And he wants to test some new creature

he's thinking of introducing into the scheme of things.

The creature has the ability to make up his own mind,

and all the other creatures are fully automated robots.

Robots? That does not describe me,

Andy Wojeckowzski. No, sir, I'm my own boss.

Right down the highway, baby. [laughing] Come on.

The book takes the form of a long letter

from the creator of the universe

to the experimental creature.

[driver] That's nice. So where do the naked

sorority girls come into?

They don't.

That's just stupid.

I mean, that's dumb.

I mean, who'd wanna publish something like that?

Who'd wanna write something like that?

But hey, that's just my opinion.

[chuckling] You know what I'm saying?

Man!

Stupid.

[slide whistle whizzing]

[rhythmic music playing]

[Harry] You know those glasses that Dwayne wears?

-[monkeys hooting] -He doesn't need 'em.

He just wears 'em because he thinks it makes him look smart.

-He's bald, too. -[monkeys hooting]

That's why he combs his hair over to the side like that,

to cover up the bald spot.

When the wind blows, it stands straight up.

-He looks like Baby Huey. -[monkeys chittering]

He's got a small penis, too.

I suppose we all want to have large penises though, don't we?

Anyway, here, fill out this entry form,

and I'll take care of everything else.

I'm not goin' anywhere, man!

Well, that's the point. You don't have to.

Just fill this out for me. I'll take care of the rest.

Drawing's this afternoon.

-Hey, Mr. Hoover! -Oh, Jesus Christ!

[Harry] Tell him you saw me. I changed my clothes.

-[relaxing music] -[honking horn]

[Harry] Forget it! You haven't seen me!

[tissue paper rustling]

[pills clattering]

[sad violin music playing]

-[birds chirping] -[sad music continues]

[lounge music playing]

[sad violin music playing]

[lounge music playing]

[sad violin music playing]

[triumphant music playing]

Oh! And the winner is...

-[monkeys hooting] -Wayne Hoobler of Midland City!

-[scattered applause] -[relaxing music playing]

Well, Mr. Hoobler, if you're watching,

you have just won first prize...

which is a round-trip ticket for two to beautiful Hawaii!

I am sure, I am sure that Dwayne Hoover,

the generous and benevolent owner

-Benevolent? Christ, Harry. -of Exit 11 Motor Village.

-Haven't I taught you anything? -[Harry continuing indistinctly]

-[relaxing music continuing] -...a choice of islands,

-including Maui! -[applause, cheering]

How about that, Wayne Hoobler of Midland City! Yes!

[water sloshing]

And now, this, this voyage... this, this wonderful voyage...

this, this exploration into, uh...

into, uh... into what--into the, uh

secret hiding places... where what is the, uh...

Oh, my God, Harry. Shut your mouth.

Wonderful, beautiful sanctuaries of peace.

The peace of it all and the...

the terrible, horrible, horrible war years where--

-where all the private clubs... -He was never in the army.

and down and down into the...

-sordid underbelly! -What's gotten into Harry?

Down into the bottom where it's members only!

-[man] Geez, this is live. -And the cruel name-calling.

The naming, naming, naming! The terrible hurt!

[whistle blowing]

But the hunger, the wonderful hunger,

-for some sort of full play, -[relaxing music continues]

-full swing, -[animal noises]

plenty of rope, a little elbow room.

No more mountains! No more mountains.

-[ship horn blowing] -[Harry panting]

-I'm sorry. Sorry. -[ship horn blowing]

I've got the tickets right here.

["Strangers in Paradise" playing]

No, the tickets are-- well, I had the tickets. I have tickets.

-They're right here--Oh! Oh! Oh! -[audience gasping]

-Oh! Oh, my! Oh, my goodness. -[audience clamoring]

-[Harry stammering] -Huh?

Oh, my. Oh, my. [chuckling]

Go for it, big boy. Just go for it!

[Harry chuckling] Um...

[director] Pan to Mr. Hoover.

Mr. Hoover, you're on. You're live.

[audience clamoring]

I love you like a brother, Dwayne Hoover! Like a brother!

[man] We better get an ambulance.

-[Harry chuckling] -[relaxing music continues]

-[animal sounds] -[cars passing]

-[people clamoring] -[truck horn blaring]

-[car horns blowing] -[animal sounds]

-[trudging music playing] -[horns honking]

[man] Having a good day, old man?

I already know I look ridiculous!

[trudging music continuing]

I've made this long pilgrimage for an orgy of masochism.

Midland City, I have arrived.

[music continues]

[bubbling]

-Yoo-hoo, mister? -Huh?

-Are you going in there? -Why...

It's the only way to Midland City.

-Well, then, these will help. -I don't, don't need 'em.

Oh.

[grunts] The arts festival awaits me.

[groans]

[water bubbling]

[Kilgore] Ah.

[somber music playing]

Treat me like a cockroach, Midland City.

Feast your eyes on your miserable creator.

[music continues]

You've given me a life not worth of living,

but an iron will to live!

-[Kilgore grunting] -[music continues]

[sloshing]

[panting, groaning]

[music continues]

-Maui! Maui! Maui! -[siren wailing]

Maui!

-She's goin'. -[siren continuing]

[Dwayne] I just have too many cars.

-That's all! -Okay, okay, okay, okay.

-Just forget it, sir. -I can't forget it

because I should know my driver's license number.

Maria, she said if she was gonna--

She came that way...

and then she said she would come this way--

-[mumbling] -Who am I?

-[man mumbling] -[woman] Mr. Hoover, sir.

How are you this evening? What a pleasure.

-Is there anything-- -[whispering] Who am I?

[both mumbling]

Please, someone just tell me who I am.

Sorry, Mr. Hoover. I did not realize that you were the owner.

I mean, I knew that you were the owner, but I didn't realize

you were the owner of this AmeriTel Inn.

I should have recognized.

Well, enjoy your stay at the AmeriTel Inn.

-[door shuts] -[Dwayne hiccups]

[light music]

[gasps] Mr. Trout...

[woman over speaker] Welcome to the Midland City Arts Festival.

The AmeriTel Inn invites you to join us tonight

at our cocktail lounge at 6:00 p.m.

to celebrate the first annual Midland City Arts Festival.

I look perfect for my mission.

[twinkling music playing]

[nature sounds]

Not now. Not now.

The Abominable Snowman has arrived.

Kidnapped from the slopes of Mt. Everest,

taken as slave to a bordello in Rio de Janeiro.

I've come for the Arts Festival of Midland City

to have myself acknowledged before I die...

as the great artist I believe myself to be.

Mr. Trout, I would know you anywhere.

Marlo, his bags, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Take these to his suite. Can I take your hat?

How do you know who I am?

It had to be you.

Nobody's ever known who I was before.

Kilgore Trout. I am Eliot Rosewater,

your greatest admirer.

You're Rosewater?

You don't look like a person

-Sir... -who reads those magazines.

I have gathered to this date only 41 of your novels...

and 63 of your short stories.

And of course I've read them all.

You've read that much of my stuff?

Of course, please have a seat.

[Kilgore muttering indistinctly]

We are proud...

to be the first community to acknowledge

the greatness of Kilgore Trout.

Midland City is ready for a renaissance of you, sir.

And you, sir, shall be our Leonardo.

I regret that I must leave immediately

on Rosewater Foundation business.

But the honor, sir, has been entirely mine.

[angelic music]

[Eliot] Let's go, I need my shot.

That kid has books of mine?

Yes, and he let me read them all.

I loved them.

[grumbles]

More flowers than at a gangster's funeral.

Midland City seems to be getting behind the arts

in a great big way.

Well, like Mr. Rosewater said,

teach us to dance and sing and laugh and cry--

Do I look like a dancer or singer or man of joy?

Would a man nourished by beauty look like this? Open your eyes.

My eyes are opened,

and I see someone who has dared to walk through the fires

of truth to the other side,

and come back to tell us about it.

[breathing heavily]

If there's anything you need, I mean anything,

don't be afraid to call me.

Ding-a-ling.

[concierge laughing]

Hm.

[door shuts]

[disembodied voice echoing] Dwayne.

[twinkling music playing]

Huh?

-[twinkling music] -Dwayne. Dwayne. [echoing]

My feet are so hot.

I may never get this stuff off.

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

[phone ringing]

Kilgore Trout. [echoing]

All your questions will be answered tonight.

Look for me downstairs in the cocktail lounge!

[slams receiver down]

Kilgore Trout.

[breathing heavily]

Kilgore Trout.

-[lounge music playing] -[man] And just flap it right up

-to a blank white canvas. -[crowd murmuring]

Then I would put Day-Glo bars around it, and call it

caged shit. That's what I would do. Oh, man.

[indistinct chatter]

[lounge music continues]

Breakfast of champions.

You said that the last time you brought me my martini.

[waitress] I say it every time I serve a martini, Mr. Hoover.

That's probably why God invented these little small towns,

so people could keep saying the same stupid jokes

over and over again.

I just like to cheer people up.

That's all.

Okay.

Oh... Mr. Hoover,

would you just do me a favor, please?

I just--I just would-- I would love the honor...

of you signing my wrist.

I want to show it to my father.

He's sick in the hospital, and

the bills are just pilin' up and it would really impress him.

It would. Thanks a lot.

Nothin' special. Just your autograph would be great.

Yeah, they opened him up and it just keeps gettin' worse.

Don't know what we're gonna do.

There it is. There's that smile.

Just love it. We just-- we just love you. We do.

And when you said "bird caca" on TV the other day--

caca--

my dad laughed for the first time in two years.

Thanks. We just-- we just trust you so much. We do. Thanks.

Oh, God.

Thank you.

Caca.

[disembodied voice echoing] Dwayne.

-Dwayne. [echoing] -Celia?

Talk to me. Talk to me, please. [giggling, echoing]

Share something with me, Dwayne. [echoing]

Goodbye, Blue Monday.

[Celia speaking indistinctly]

I trust you, Dwayne. Are you sorry, Dwayne?

[Celia giggling, muttering indistinctly]

[twinkling music]

They were taking Mr. Le Sabre to the Midland General Hospital,

north wing. The--

[whispering] The psychiatric ward.

-[phone ringing] -I-- Hold on, please.

-Dwayne Hoover's Exit 11 Mo-- -[phone ringing]

I-I don't know where Mr. Hoover is.

I got 36 dollars.

-[relaxing music playing] -[animals sounding]

-Sold. -[man chuckling]

And remember, you can trust Wayne Hoobler.

[both screaming]

Get out of that car!

[unsettling music]

[lounge jazz music playing]

Oh.

-[lounge music continues] -[clears throat]

All right, Bunny, I got this place rigged for lighting

exactly like we talked about. So, the table's set.

All you gotta do is go out there and eat the dinner.

-Can do, Bill. Can do. -All right.

-You wanna give me a hug? -[chuckles]

You go get 'em.

-[scattered applause] -[indistinct chatter]

-Good evening. -[playing bouncy keyboard tune]

Hey, great to see you here.

-Have a scotch, and have a beer. -[gasping]

-[both] It's Kilgore Trout! -[Bunny singing indistinctly]

Hey! [singing indistinctly]

-Mr. Kilgore Trout. I'm Fay. -I'm Kay.

This is indeed a rare pleasure.

Oh, my goodness, I just love artists.

Oh, they're so artistic.

* Hey, feel the jive Join in the fun *

* Midland City America's number one, yeah *

That's Kilgore Trout. Play that intro you got worked out.

-I'll get the lights. -[scattered applause]

[Bunny plays glissando]

Now, you're not from around here, are ya?

Yeah. I'm from Exit 11 Motor Village. I'm Wayne Hoobler.

* Wake up Get out of bed *

* There's plenty of good art just ahead *

-Be right back. -[song continues]

* Now salute the man we can't do without *

* The wonderful, lovable, beautiful Kilgore Trout *

[audience applauding]

Yeah.

Finally? Trout?

[clattering]

Kilgore Trout?

-Eh... What, what? -The message, please.

My message!

You know what message I'm talking about.

-[Kilgore grumbling] -Is this it? Is this for me?

It's mine. What are you doing with it?

-It's mine. What are you doing? -"Dear sir,

"poor sir, brave sir. You are an experiment

"of the Creator of the Universe.

"You are the only creature in the entire universe

"who has free will. "

That's godlike with a little "g".

[people giggling]

* Take my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise *

"You are the only one who has to figure out what to do next.

-"And why." -* A stranger in paradise *

That's exactly right.

How did you know this? How did you know this?

"Everybody else is a robot, a machine.

"Some persons like you, while others seem to hate you.

"And you must wonder why.

"They are simply liking and hating machines.

"All of this has made you pooped and demoralized. "

You see, this is me. I am pooped and demoralized.

-[Bunny continues singing] -If this isn't nice, what is?

* Out of the commonplace *

* Into the rare *

* Somewhere in space *

"You are surrounded by machines whose only purpose

"is to stir you up...

"in every conceivable way...

"so that the Creator of the Universe

"can watch your reactions. "

Wait, there's more. There's more.

-This is it. -Yes...

"The Creator of the Universe would now like to apologize,

"not only for the capricious jostling companionship

"he provided during the test,

"but also for the trashy stinking condition

"of the place itself. The robots have been

"programmed for millions of years to abuse it...

"so it would be a poisonous, festering cheese

"by the time you got here.

"He also programmed the robots to crave sexual intercourse

"more than anything else so it would be crowded

-"when you got here. -Yeah, you bet.

"He had the robots kill each other by the millions

"for this purpose only that you be amazed.

"They have committed every possible atrocity

"and every possible kindness...

"just to get a reaction from you!"

[lounge music continuing]

That's right. That's right.

It's workin', kid.

-Thank you. -No, thank you.

Thank you so much, my friend. You helped me so much.

-You're entirely welcome. -Thank you.

Good, good.

-[Dwayne] Ah, ha-ha! -Nice guy.

* Won't you answer this fervent prayer *

Out of my way, dancing machines!

[confused crowd shouting]

[laughs maniacally] Just what I'm looking for.

-[grunting] -[people clamoring]

-[angry music playing] -[people screaming]

[Dwayne] Where are the bravery machines?

Got you! When you were a little boy machine,

I loved the way your head was shaped like a cantaloupe.

-Now, look at you. -[keyboard making noise]

-Daddy, why are you doing this? -Because!

[piano crashing]

You see?

They don't feel a thing. They're unfeeling machines!

-[Dwayne cackling] -[sputtering]

[Kilgore] Is this because of my creation?

Is this the sum total of what I stand for?

Will you explain exactly what it is about my writing

that made you want to, to hurt these people?

You said it yourself. I'm the only creature

in the universe that has free will, don't you remember?

My God, that's not the answer.

-[crowd screaming] -Listen you!

-[people shouting] -Dwayne Hoover's gone berserk!

-I don't like you anymore! -I feel the same way myself.

[Dwayne] The New York machine! Get out of my way! Ha-ha!

-[people screaming] -[waitress groans]

They don't feel anything anyway. [cackling]

Who wants some of the car dealer, huh?

You're not supposed to know the answer, for cryin' out loud.

-[violin music playing] -Why not?

If you knew the answer, there'd be no more questions.

[Wayne] Dwayne! Dwayne!

Come on. Escape.

Come follow me.

-Young man! -[relaxing music playing]

Come on out! Young man!

Ha-ha! You are there.

-Hey, Mr. Hoover. -Good. Yes.

What do you say there,

-pal of mine? -You really are there.

-[Dwayne grunting] -Hey, hey!

[grunting]

Where are ya? -[animal sounds]

I... You're--you're just too good for me.

Hey. What the--

-What kind of machine are you? -Hey, I'm Wayne Hoobler.

And Eli said we couldn't trust anybody, but in God we trust!

-[Wayne chuckles] -I never, never trust anybody!

Dwayne?

What are you, a trusting machine?

Yes. Why, yes I am.

Dwayne?

-[Dwayne exclaims] -[Wayne chuckling]

-Yes, I am! -[unsettling music]

I'm Wayne Hoobler,

and I'm home!

Fairyland! [echoing]

Oh, Fairyland! Ha-ha!

Where is that guy?

[Francine] Mr. Hoover!

Where have you been?

Where are all the showroom cars?

Headquarters called and they're very upset

you missed that spot this afternoon.

Mr. Hoover, what-- is everything all right?

Browbeatin' machine!

-[Francine gasps] -[monkeys howling]

Oh, here's the best fucking machine...

in all of Midland City.

Mr. Hoover, you are the most hateful man I've ever met!

Sure, just wind her up, and she'll say she loves ya!

And she'll keep going until she gets

her own fried chicken franchise.

Yes, I said I loved you,

but that was when you stood for something.

When you were a man of hope, truth, and success.

But you've become a betrayer, Mr. Hoover, a fake!

[Dwayne and Kilgore shouting]

[Kilgore] Get the police! Go!

Go! Call the police!

There's only one thing you can do.

Tell me what it is.

The only thing you can do is continue.

Continue?

Continue, that's right. You're a continuing machine.

Can't quit now. Gotta keep going.

That's why you were born.

Yesterday was my birthday.

Yeah, until you're dead it's all life.

[Dwayne and Kilgore shouting]

-[Dwayne] That's it! -[Kilgore groans]

What did you just say?

[Kilgore gasping]

What did you just say?

Until you're dead, it's all life. So make the most of it.

[panting]

Life.

You're right.

It's all life.

Oh, my goodness. Are you all right?

So, it's you.

-[magical music, nature sounds] -The Creator of the Universe.

Well, it delights me

that I no longer have to suffer your gift of life anymore.

The joke's on you, isn't it, big fella?

Huh? [cackles]

What are you gonna do when you run out of playthings?

[Dwayne] I'm so sorry.

-I didn't mean it. -Your kind never has to mean it.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Anything I can do to help?

Get me a Nobel Prize, or a reputable publisher.

Sorry, I can't really--I don't-- I don't think I can...

help you with those things, but if there's anything else,

please... feel free.

Free? Like Tolstoy freed his serfs,

Jefferson freed his slaves?

Feel free? Feel free. [laughing]

[sighs] I will make the most of it.

Celia.

Until you're dead, it's all life.

Feel free. Ha, free.

[transcending music playing]

Until you're dead, it's all life.

[music swells]

-[magical music] -[birds chirping]

[birds chirping]

-[birds chirping] -[music continues]

[takes a deep breath]

[transcending music continuing]

-[birds chirping] -[water rushing]

[gasps]

Wait a minute, Bunny. I know you think that was a bad show.

I gotta be by myself for a little while.

It wasn't a bad show. It was great.

-They loved it. -I think my daddy loves me.

Well, of course he loves you, but he's a nut job.

-Wait a minute. -[car engine starting]

-Let's talk about this. -[tires squealing]

Wait, Bunny. I love you!

[magical music continues]

["Stranger in Paradise" playing]

[birds chirping]

[music continues]

[river bubbling]

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

[Dwayne panting]

[water bubbling]

[Dwayne] Celia!

Celia.

Dwayne?

Celia?

[Celia] Dwayne!

-Where--Where are you? -Dwayne!

I'm here. Over here.

I need help, Celia.

You need these.

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

Put on the boots, Dwayne!

Put on the boots!

[Dwayne mutters]

You can do it!

[Dwayne crying]

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

[grunts]

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Celia.

You can do it.

-[water bubbling] -[music continues]

[footsteps sloshing]

-So sorry. -Don't stop now. You can do it.

-[police sirens sounding] -I understand.

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

[footsteps approaching]

Bunny.

-Dad. -Come here, son.

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

[officer] All right, Mr. Hoover. That's enough.

Hey, what the--

[Celia] No! No!

[Dwayne] It's okay.

[officer] Not unless you got a good lawyer, buddy.

[Dwayne] I understand now.

Until you're dead, it's all life.

[chuckling] Until you're dead, it's all life, Celia.

-[radio speaking indistinctly] -[grunts] That's it.

Goodbye, Blue Monday! Bye, Blue Monday.

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

-It's okay. Everything's okay. -[officer] Get in the car.

I... I'm not mad.

I'm--I'm okay.

[officer] All right, let's go. Let's move it!

-I love you. -I love you, too.

I love you.

Daddy.

[police siren sounding]

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

[mouthing] I love you.

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

[birds chirping]

Make me young.

[birds chirping]

[wolf howling]

[relaxing music playing]

[relaxing music continuing]

[relaxing music continuing]

[relaxing music continuing]

[relaxing music continuing]

["Stranger in Paradise" playing]

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

["Stranger in Paradise" continuing]

[lounge music playing]

[lounge music continuing]

["Stranger in Paradise" playing]