Original subtitles

(Hands clapping)

* Oh, you * You

* With those tongue and lips

* Let me taste

* Your bitter kiss

* Oh, you * You

* With those seasoned eyes

* Let me walk

* Inside your smile

* All my nerves are tearing me down

* Won't you just come over here and take away this frown

* 'Cause I can't sleep * Tight

* I don't see * Right

* I won't feel * Right

* Until you're mine * Mine

* I can't sleep * Tight

* I don't see * Right

* I won't feel * Right

* Until you're mine * Mine

* Oh, you * You

* Just walk away * Walk away

* Before I break down and cave

* Oh, you * You

* It's just not fair

* How you kill me with just one stare

* All my nerves are tearing me down

* Won't you just come over here and lick away this frown

* 'Cause I can't sleep * Tight

* I don't see * Right

* I won't feel * Right

* Until you're mine * Mine

* I can't sleep * Tight

* I don't see * Right

* I won't feel * Right

* Until you're mine * Mine

* Can't sleep tight

* Don't see right

* Won't feel fine

* Until you're mine

* Can't sleep tight * Can't sleep tight

* Don't see right * Don't see right

* Won't feel fine * Won't feel fine

* Until you're mine * Until you're mine

* Can't sleep tight * Can't sleep tight

* Don't see right * Don't see right

* Won't feel fine * Won't feel fine

* Until you're mine * Until you're mine

* Can't sleep tight

* Don't see right * Be mine, baby

* Won't feel fine * Be mine, baby

* Until you're mine

* Until you're mine * Can't sleep tight

* Don't see right

* Until you're mine

KATIE, NARRATING: When I decided at the last minute

to take a year off before college,

I told my mom it was because I had no idea

what I wanted to do with my life.

She pretended she didn't want to strangle me.

But sweetie, that's the whole point of college:

is to figure out what you want to do,

to find out what you're good at, to discover your bliss.

But what if I don't discover it until junior year,

and it has nothing to do with the classes I've already taken?

I'd have to start over.

Or what if my bliss is something I don't even need college for?

(Typing)

WOMAN: I'm not going to lie to you, Katie. I'm concerned.

Why? Tons of kids defer.

You're not tons of kids.

You're one complicated girl who's been through a lot.

You need structure.

Are you saying that college is the only place

that I can get structure?

Because if so, Miss Matsuo...

Katie. I'm serious.

Here's something.

Why don't you start a diary.

Or a blog?

Why?

It's a daily time commitment.

It'll keep your verbal skills sharp.

And it'll force you to be introspective.

What a wonderful idea.

I was just lying to escape her vegan breath.

At least that's what I thought at the time.

But I guess not.

What the fuck?

Here I am blogging.

Anyway, I'm going to start by telling you a secret,

something I've never told anyone.

The real reason I'm taking a year off is because of a guy,

an older one.

A man.

And he's the most amazing...

Shit, got to go.

*

* You don't know what I'm gonna do

* Or what I see in you

* You're obsessed

* With my little red dress

Boo! (Children screaming)

* But you don't care if I'm a mess, now do you?

Boo!

* Do you?

* Do you?

* Do you?

Boo!

You're late.

You noticed.

Dan and I have one strict rule:

we don't talk about his girlfriend...

or my boyfriend.

Dan teaches film at a really good community college,

so we only watch serious cinema.

(Man shouting in German on TV)

I feel smarter just being around him.

One of the best things about my year off

is that I get to continue my education.

(Both breathing heavily)

He never asks for anything in return.

He just wants me to relax and enjoy it.

(Birds tweeting)

(Children speaking indistinctly)

(Children laughing)

(Crow cawing)

GIRL: Dad?

(Shuddering)

(Both panting)

You always hold back in the end.

(Laughing): I'm sorry.

(Chuckling)

It's your loss.

(Exhaling)

Have, uh-- I got some news.

I'm, uh, moving closer to campus.

Why?

Look at this dump. It's ridiculous.

Looks like I'm still in grad school.

Well, did you already find a place?

Yeah. It's great.

And they'll let me move in on the 15th

(Exhaling) Well, where is it?

It's like a half-hour away.

We're not going to see each other again.

Of course we will.

Come on, don't be so melodramatic.

No, you're not going to want to come pick me up

and then drive me to your place,

and then back to mine a few hours later.

That's like two hours in the car.

(Sighing): And someone might see us.

Come on, you know I'm right.

(Sighing)

If my dad would just buy me that car he promised me,

then I could-- I could come see you--

Listen, listen, listen, listen.

We're going to work it out, okay?

We'll work it out. I promise you.

Come on.

(Breathing heavily)

(Zipper rasping)

Shit.

(Gasping)

I'd never touched him before.

I was always too scared.

He came so hard.

He'll definitely call me after he moves.

CAROLINE: So don't you think it's time to stop loafing and get a job?

I'm not loafing, I'm blogging.

CAROLINE: Since when?

Last week.

CAROLINE: What's your blog called?

KATIE: Not telling.

And you won't find out, because I use a fake name

and I'm changing lots of little details of my life.

Why?

Because if there was even a one in googol chance

of anyone figuring out it was me,

then I wouldn't tell the truth.

And what's the point of having a blog

if you're just going to lie?

(Door opening)

Hey, babe.

Why do you call her that?

She's 46.

(Sighing)

What is on the agenda for today, hmm?

TV? Internet?

Maybe a good, long nap?

I'm getting a job.

The grill or the fryer?

Ha-ha.

Neither.

Something stimulating that pays extremely well.

MAN: This may come as a shock to you, kiddo,

but the economy is in the toilet.

There's 20 applicants for every job.

You underestimate my powers, Earthling.

Today, a reader sent me one of those annoying self quizzes,

which are just a sad excuse to talk about yourself.

What's your favourite number?

69.

Sometimes 96.

Have you ever kissed someone and regretted it?

Yes. Tom Lovelace,

who was 16 when I was 11.

My fist tongue kiss.

It felt like a worm.

* I want it all to end

* Being loved by you

* Hold me now

* Make it stop

* The butterflies won't go away

Do you believe in the horoscope?

No. Sagittarians never do.

* I am lost

* Make me found

Stop right there!

Don't even put it up.

Have I got the girl for you?

Is that so?

Come in.

What happened to Jonas?

I bought him out, lock stock and barrel.

You have so many more books.

I used to buy my dad

his birthday and Christmas presents here.

He's a sports writer.

Well, he used to be. Now he just drinks.

(Chuckling)

Sam Johnson's Book Shop. Nice to meet you, Sam.

No, I'm not Sam. He died a long time ago.

Dr. Samuel Johnson wrote the first great English dictionary.

Is he your hero?

Among many.

Are you a lover of books?

I could be.

Glenn Warburg.

Katie Kampenfelt.

Three days a week, $12 an hour.

Wow!

And it's butt-easy.

All I have to do is help customers

while Glenn runs the online business.

Sweetie, I got to hand it to you, that was fast.

You did it.

KATIE: Yup, I am indeed impressive.

Does Glenn have a last name?

Warburg.

Is he married?

Why? You think he only hired me

so he could have sexual intercourse with me?

It crossed my mind.

Your moustache is heinous.

I've only been blogging for 16 days,

but I already get between 450 and 500 discreet visitors a day.

The most popular search terms that people use to find me

are "high school," "college,"

"blond," "sex," and "oral sex,"

which means many of you are lonely, disgusting pigs.

I also know a lot of you are just normal people

who want to read the true-life confessions of a tee--

(Knocking at door) What?

It's me.

Come in.

Boyfriend invasion.

Stand by.

I thought you had band practice.

Casey had a midterm.

(Gasping)

MAN 1, OVER TV: You know, Wong, I don't know which is worse.

Watching you eat or watching you at work.

MAN 2: I'm perfectly able to do anything I want...

KATIE, NARRATING: None of you care that I cheat on Rory,

but for some reason you hate that it's with an older guy

who has a girlfriend.

Well, I had no clue about Martina

until after the third time Dan and I fooled around,

and I found her birth control in a bathroom drawer.

By then it was too late.

(Laughing)

I was in it.

(Breathing heavily)

(Grunting)

Hold on...

Oh, God.

(Panting)

Oh, wow, you're so hot.

Oh, God, I love you.

Oh, God. Oh!

Oh, God-- Ah!

Oh!

(Both panting)

I think I just came.

(Both laughing)

Was I supposed to pull out?

Six o'clock.

Hey, so it is.

$288 cash with a two-dollar bill for good luck.

Good first week?

Amazing.

And I almost finished Who Has Changed and Who Is Dead.

Thank you for the recommendation.

You're very welcome.

You know, it's the first book I've read since second grade

that was-- You know, like, wasn't for school.

Yeah, that's the way it is these days, I guess.

So sad.

I know.

I can't imagine life without great books.

It's as close to the angels as I get.

What do you mean?

Well, for me, reading is a transcendent experience.

Hmm.

What does that mean, exactly?

What, "transcendence"?

It means beyond the physical realm.

It's a spiritual experience.

I get it from great literature, great paintings,

classical music, all the arts.

What about classical art films,

like Fellini or Buñuel?

Sure.

Cool.

* I knew it from the start

* You would break my heart

* But I fell for you

* No matter how hard I try

* Change what's inside

* You are all I need

Dan didn't even call to say goodbye.

* You're the fire in my heart

If I don't get a car now, I'll never see him again.

(Indistinct chattering over TV)

Look at the size of that blue-gummed dummy.

(Turns TV off)

So, what's up?

Well, it's been really, really hard

ever since all my friends left to go to college.

And I just--

I've been sitting at home all the time.

I have no ride.

I can't get anywhere. And I'm just--

Tell the witch to buy you a car.

No, she won't do it.

She thinks I'm so much like you,

she thinks I'm just going to drink a bunch of beers

and hit a tree.

Sanctimonious cunt.

If she had her way we'd all be drinking holy water.

Out of the pope's jockstrap.

Did you come up with that?

No, you did.

No wonder.

(Chuckling)

What about peckerhead? Why can't he squire you around?

Well, because we broke up last night.

How come?

He's been pressuring me to, you know,

like, go all the way,

and I'm just not ready yet.

Shit. Must have done something right.

Daddy...

my whole life, you said you would buy me a car

when I graduated.

Please keep your promise.

Please, Daddy, just this once.

Please.

And you promised me you'd stay my little angel forever.

You'd never grow up.

Now look at you.

Tits and everything.

(Cell phone vibrating)

MAN, OVER PHONE: Hey, uh, Joel Seidler here.

I'm not sure if you remember me.

I'm tall and muscular, and I played football.

No, wait, that's my diametric opposite.

I'm the short, depressed Jew who tutored you in math.

Anyway, I'm a senior at Princeton now,

and I'm taking a semester off.

I heard that you were around. Call me or text me, whatever.

GIRL, OVER PHONE: I'm back, bitch!

(Laughing)

KATIE, NARRATING: Thank God Jade's home

from visiting her grandmother in Greece.

Jade's pretty much my only female friend now.

There was a rumour last year that Jade and I were dykes.

I have no idea why.

I want your tits! I want your ass!

I want your skin!

I want your ass!

I want your ass!

* I'm finding it true

* When I'm hanging around you

* I think it's easy to say

* My boyfriend is in junior high

* His real age is just one big lie

* I wish I would have known that...

JADE: If he lived here, let's face it.

We'd end up hating each other's guts.

This way it stays perfect forever.

KATIE: You fall in love every time you go on vacation.

(Jade laughing)

(Inhaling deeply)

I know. I'm a rock star. (Laughing)

I met him like my second day in Corfu.

I told you Dan moved away, right?

Yeah.

He hasn't called me since. It's humiliating.

You didn't fool around with him, did you?

(Laughing): No! Hello!

He's 32 and he has a girlfriend.

And you have fucking Rory.

* Lick my lips

* I'm mouthwatering

* Take a sip

* Pretty please

* I'm begging for some honey

* Indulge me

* Baby, got me going 'Cause you looking so--

KATIE, NARRATING: I can't believe you're all really out there.

I'm used to only being famous in my own mind.

(Pop music playing)

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing. Just wasting time.

(Knocking at door)

Come with me.

What's wrong?

Just come. Not you.

And put some clothes on. We have neighbours.

(Gasping)

Dad's dead, isn't he?

MAN: Bad news, hon.

Your starting salary just didn't past the smell test with me,

so I had a friend of mine in law enforcement do some digging.

Is this your boss?

Glenn's a rapist?

Sexual assault's a much broader category.

The particulars can vary,

but, yeah, it's basically sexual contact without consent.

You have to quit your job right away.

What am I supposed to say?

Hmm. Start with this.

My mom's boyfriend has a partner at a really big law firm.

She thinks it'll look impressive on my résumé

if I ever want to be an attorney, which I might.

So I really have to quit.

GLENN, OVER PHONE: Oh, I'm so disappointed.

So am I, really.

You're a very special girl, Katie, and a joy to be around.

And I'll miss you.

Thanks. You too.

Bye, Glenn.

Do you have some clean underwear?

(Cell phone vibrating)

Please be Dan. Please, please, please be Dan.

Please be Dan.

Hello?

MAN, OVER PHONE: Catherine?

Katie, actually.

I don't know if you remember me.

My name's Paul Spooner.

I interviewed you for admittance to Tufts.

Oh, no, of course I remember you.

Hello, Paul.

Oh, you know, I got in. I just decided to defer a year.

I know. That's actually why I'm calling.

You don't by any chance need a job, do you?

That is so, so weird.

I had one until, like, 10 days ago,

but then I had to quit.

My boss turned out to be a convicted sex offender.

That's terrible.

Well, even more terrible for the gal he sexually offended.

(Laughing): Yeah.

(Chuckling)

I got a new job!

Hey, can I call you back?

That's wonderful.

What is it? I'm a nanny.

I get paid $12 an hour, and I get the use of a car.

A car! I get a Volvo!

I'm getting a Volvo!

What?

What's with the face?

Well, did you tell him you have no experience?

Of course not.

Honey. What?

What? What?!

Why are you so fucking negative?!

*

Catherine. Katie.

Oh, my God, you are so cute and tiny.

Come in. I'm Margaret Spooner.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

You are a godsend.

Oh, cool.

You have no idea. I'll show you around.

This house is amazing.

Oh, thank you. I'm an interior designer,

so love it.

You just missed Paul. He works for a big hedge fund,

so he travels all the time, but he'll be back on Friday.

So Paul said that you have some experience with newborns.

Oh, not much, but yeah.

Well, I had zero when Kyle was born.

Okay, you smell that?

That is newborn poop.

Kind of like butter popcorn when they're nursing, which Kyle is.

Go ahead. Your first lesson.

Pick him up.

Really? Yeah.

Just make sure you cradle his head.

That's it.

You got it.

(Sighing)

Hi.

He likes you.

KATIE, NARRATING: Stop being mad at me for not posting.

I had a very busy week learning how to take care of a baby.

(Typing)

KATIE: Hey!

Hey, super nanny Katherine Kampenfelt.

(Laughing): How was your flight?

It was interminable. Where's Maggie?

Feeding Kyle.

Come on, let's get reacquainted.

So tell me everything. How was your first week?

It was awesome. Hmm.

Margaret is such a great teacher.

Kyle is such a good baby.

Way more mature than my boyfriend.

(Laughing)

I can't tell you how relieved I am this worked out.

Remember how much fun we had at our interview?

Honestly, not really.

I thought Tufts was just my safety school.

Well, that explains why you were so cocky.

Hey.

Hi, sweetie. Hi.

Ow. Oh, sorry.

Your pay.

Yeah, but it's only 3:15.

Oh, um, okay.

Well, I'll see you guys Monday.

MARGARET: Remember when my ass looked like that?

Bye.

KATIE, NARRATING: Last night was the fifth Friday in a row

that Dan didn't call me.

And since I'm not allowed to call,

text or even e-mail him,

there's nothing I can do.

My grandmother once told me,

"Never make a big decision while you're bleeding,

because there's a pretty good chance you're nuts."

But I don't care.

I'm tired of waiting.

(Funky upbeat music playing)

(Turning music off)

Hi. Hey.

I have an evil scheme.

My favourite kind.

(Phone line ringing)

Oh, God, please answer the phone.

I did not know you were religious.

Only when I'm jonesing for a bonesing.

WOMAN, OVER PHONE: Hello?

(Speaking Spanish)

Wrong number.

(Laughing): Okay, what did you just say?

"Where's the clog that we ate yesterday

at the beauty parlour train station bathroom?"

Genius. Yeah.

Okay, wrong numbers always come in twos, right?

Right.

I have one more chance. Maybe he'll answer.

Why does he let her answer the phone?

She grabs it. She's this crazy, jealous French bitch from hell.

That's why I can't contact him.

(Phone line ringing)

DAN, OVER PHONE: Hello?

Hey, it's me. Call me when you get this. It's really important.

Okay, bye. Aah!

Got it! (Laughing)

(Sighing) Okay.

Want to watch some porn?

Bye, Jadey.

(Cell phone vibrating)

(Sighing)

(Cell phone vibrating)

Please don't be mad at me.

DAN: I'm not.

Martine just ran out to buy cigarettes. What's up?

I got a car.

A Volvo.

Hello?

Yeah.

I can come see you whenever you want me to.

Remember what I did last time?

How I touched you?

(Sighing)

I want to do it again.

But this time with my mouth.

Let me.

Please.

Wednesday, I'll text you the address.

KATIE, NARRATING: Paul made a ton of money today

because he predicted a stock would tank.

He brought home Belgium chocolates and champagne.

All day I was so excited about my date with Dan

my heart felt like it was going to explode.

I loved the whole world.

* You're calling me on my phone

* It's 2:00 in the morning

* Boy, you just ain't the type

* That a girl gonna hit once or twice

* (Unclear)

DAN: We need protection. KATIE: No. No, we don't.

Are you sure?

(Panting)

(Children laughing)

(Bird hooting)

GIRL: Daddy!

(Sighing)

Cigarettes? Since when?

Yeah.

It was a mistake.

Oh, come on. One's not going to kill you.

No, I meant that.

Well, my period just ended.

That's not what I meant.

Is it my age?

You know my birthday's at midnight.

Here's the thing.

I care about you a lot,

but-- Okay before you dump me,

let me say something.

Martine treats you like shit

and I think you should dump her

and go out with me instead.

Now I know my age freaks you out,

but we can do it in a really cool, healthy way.

I promise.

I wouldn't have to meet any of your friends,

and I wouldn't make you meet my mom.

We could keep the whole thing a secret.

It would just be us right here,

making love and watching art films.

And then when I go away to college,

we break up really maturely.

Stay friends forever. It's perfect.

(Sighing)

It would be.

Is that a yes?

I can't.

Why?

Martine and I are engaged.

Since the middle of October.

What do you have with her that you don't have with me?

(Sighing): Katie...

Answer the fucking question.

There are just--

There are things that-- That people

close to each other in age share.

Like what? Martine and I

are intellectually compatible.

KATIE: Why did you have to fuck me before you told me the truth?

You're such a liar!

So is that why you moved?

So you could live together?

She lives here?

RORY: Where were you?

What happened to your study group?

It ended an hour ago. Where were you?

A movie!

Is everything all right?

Have you been crying?

CAROLINE: Rory, come down.

What did you see?

What?

The name of the movie, what was it?

Sex With a Paranoid Guy. It was a comedy.

Now go home, you freak.

Where were you?

Fuck you!

(Grunting)

CAROLINE: Are you okay?

He was older.

He's a 32-year-old guy,

and I'm madly in love with him, okay?!

Did you have sex with him?

You did.

(Grunting)

Hey, hey, hey!

Never hit a girl!

Never hit a girl! Get the hell out of here!

Get out of here! You want to go to jail?!

(Door closing)

(Breathing heavily)

You want to tell me what that was about?

Just go, please.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Mark...

thanks.

KATIE: Turns out they were engaged the whole time.

They moved in together.

I'm such a retard.

Oh, sweetheart,

I wish you would have told me about it sooner.

I could have warned you.

Never get mixed up with someone

if there's a third party involved.

You almost always lose.

You didn't sleep with him, did you?

Of course not.

I'm sorry. Had to ask.

Aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

Happy birthday.

So, what do you want to do to celebrate?

I don't know.

KATIE, NARRATING: Thank God my name's not really Katie

and I'm 100% invisible to the world,

or I'd be so humiliated by my life right now

I'd probably kill myself.

Do you stay friends with your exes?

Only if they can handle us being platonic.

Hasn't happened yet.

Do you pee in swimming pools?

That's the only place.

What's your favourite thing in your bedroom?

My heart.

What's your least favourite thing in your bedroom?

My heart.

What are you listening to these days?

A voice in my head telling me that something wonderful

is going to happen any minute.

It just has to.

MARGARET: I know the prices are outrageous,

but you just can't beat the organic produce.

Absolutely. The meats are to die for. Oh, I know.

The other day I got a leg of lamb.

I'm telling you it was this big.

Hang on one second. Is he down?

Yup, boom.

Oh, good.

Did I mention you look adorable?

Oh, well, I don't feel it.

Barely got two hours of sleep last night.

Excitement about Santa's arrival, or boy trouble?

KATIE: Boy trouble.

Well, good riddance, whoever he is.

You can do better.

Couldn't do worse.

I have a nephew. Oh.

Onwards and upwards. KATIE: Cheers.

I thought we were the bad guys.

MAN: Well, no, no, no.

People are people.

You know, red, white, purple.

We're all shit.

You know what else the Apache enjoyed?

Sodomy.

Most of Custer's seventh brigade,

second cavalry, they were found buck naked,

all torn up inside.

Well, Ollie, listen, it's been a riot.

Cornflower blue.

You're a real blond, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

You're real naughty too.

Not tonight. Not-- Not--

Not feeling it tonight, turtleneck, okay?

Now let me go before I scream.

(Laughing): Whoa!

(Imitating Indian war whoop)

PAUL: You better slow down there.

That stuff will kill you.

I still have to drive home.

You having fun?

At my own party? Not a chance.

We've got to stop meeting like this.

Maggie will get suspicious.

Really?

*

* Snow is falling

* Do you hear those winter bells ringing

* In this winter storm?

JOEL, OVER ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey, uh, Merry Christmas Eve.

It's Joel again.

You never call me back,

so I assume you're either really busy

or you hate Jews.

(Laughing)

So here's why I keep calling.

The third week of school

I tried to jump out of a dorm window.

And I remember you spent some time at a mental hospital,

and I thought you might be able to relate

to what I'm going through, and then we could be friends.

My bad.

* Take it in, take it in

* And sing your Christmas song

* The world is changing

* Everything is painted white and red

* And gold

* The stars are dangling...

Oh.

(Sniffing)

Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Oh, Dad.

What did I do to deserve this?

You knocked up Mom.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, these will keep my nuts warm.

Thank you, kid.

How was dinner with your family?

Oh, thank you for asking.

My--

Don't ever spend Christmas Eve with old Hindus.

It was like Gunga Din meets the Brothers Grimm.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

(Doug chuckling)

Oh, here.

I know what my baby girl likes.

Thanks.

It's beautiful.

DOUG: I used to be your hero.

Bet you don't even remember that, do you?

Not really.

I used to come home from work, you'd just go crazy.

You'd grab my hand, show me your latest Barbie or whatever.

Then the witch kicked me out.

Right before Christmas, too.

You latched on like a goddamn pit bull.

Wouldn't let go.

Seriously?

Screaming your lungs out.

I can't believe I don't remember that.

(Turning TV on)

CROWD, OVER TV: Happy New Year!

KATIE, NARRATING: Right after Rory and I broke up,

Jade found a new boyfriend.

I had no one to celebrate with last night.

(Knocking on door)

CAROLINE: Honey? It's me.

Come in.

Oh, God.

Dad's dead?

Oh, my God!

Congratulations!

I don't even know what to say.

She's marrying the moustache.

RORY, OVER PHONE: Oh, no!

I knew you'd understand.

Come over, please.

Uh...

first I, uh,

I got to tell you something.

(Whispering): Shit.

(In normal voice): Hold on.

Okay, what?

Okay, um...

so the night we broke up I took two sleeping pills.

And Jade was over trolling on 4chan with my roommates.

So, any resolutions?

Well, I found out my boyfriend's boning my best friend.

I thought you and your boyfriend broke up.

We did. Now it's permanent.

I'm never going to speak to either of them again.

Smart choice.

What about you?

I am going back to work part-time.

Wow, really? So soon?

Yeah, well, I feel great.

You know, I got my body back. Why not?

Paul's pissed.

If he had his way I'd stay home forever

and be a broodmare.

Do you know what that is?

Like a sad horse.

Close, yeah.

One that does nothing but give birth.

Do you want to have more kids?

No.

(Cell phone vibrating)

(Laughing)

(Indistinct chattering)

How's it going?

Wow, you're even prettier than I remember.

And you're just as sweet.

Um...

I can't believe you finally decided to hang out with me.

I hope I don't destroy your social standing.

Stop it.

What made you finally call me back?

Your text made me laugh.

Hey, you're legal, right?

Yeah. You should order wine.

They won't card me here if you do it.

So anyway, long story short,

they've been fucking ever since.

What a roll you're on.

I know. I have the worst luck with guys.

Yeah, I would say the worst taste.

I mean, you're the one who picks them, right?

Yeah.

Anyway, it seems like your problems go way beyond guys.

I mean, you're confused about a lot.

Well, who isn't at our age?

And that's why the most important thing

is to develop self-awareness.

I'm pretty much the most fucked-up person I know,

and I'm working really hard to understand myself.

Are you?

Working really hard to understand you?

Not really.

(Both laughing) (Footsteps approaching)

WAITER: When you're ready.

Right.

(Vibrating)

Hello? (Woman sobbing over phone)

Who is this? Affie?

What is it? Is it my dad?

Affie, what's wrong?!

DOCTOR: You can see him now.

KATIE, NARRATING: When he fell,

an artery in the sac around his brain ripped open.

They fixed it and stopped the bleeding,

but now all they can do is wait and see.

(Machinery hissing and beeping)

(Sniffling)

(Typing)

I used to pour my dad his beers for him.

Even though I get how sad and inappropriate that is,

at the time it made me feel really special.

And I'm still an expert at pouring beer

so that the foam doesn't spill over.

Oh, uh, one more--

One more thing.

My dad and I, we used to play this game together

when we were watching TV,

and I would ask him if I could have some of his beer.

So he would reach over to grab his mug,

and when he did I would flop my mouth down

on his beer belly and...

(Lips sputtering)

And he would get all mad, like I had tricked him.

And...

I would just laugh my head off.

(Knocking)

Yes.

Hi, my name's Amy Graham.

I'm a student of Professor Gallo's.

I hate bothering him at home,

but it's really, really important,

and I lost his phone number.

Oh, I'm sorry. He's not home.

Darn it. Okay, okay.

Uh...

But I'll be happy to give him a message.

Will you please tell him there's been a death in my family,

so I can't finish my paper on time.

Which paper?

The one he assigned.

All right. I'm sorry.

I mean, for your loss.

That's okay.

Merci.

Bye.

(Sighing)

(Heart beating)

KATIE, NARRATING: During the week of work I missed,

Margaret kept her resolution

and got a job redoing a zillionaire's media room.

For the next month

she'll be working weekdays from 9:00 to 3:00.

So Kyle doesn't get too traumatized by the change,

Paul's going to eat lunch at home every day.

Well, I can't believe how okay you seem.

He had cirrhosis for a long time.

I knew he was going to die.

I was pretty much prepared for it.

(Chuckling)

The arrogance of youth.

Don't say that.

No, no, I mean it as a compliment.

An ironic one, but if young people weren't so arrogant,

they'd really be in trouble.

What do you mean?

Look, life kicks your ass.

If young people knew it, they'd crawl into the basement

with a crack pipe and never come out.

Wouldn't take risks or fight for lost causes,

or even start a career. I mean, why bother, right?

You think you're okay with your dad's death?

Not a chance. It won't even hit you that he's really gone

until you're in your 30's,

which happens to be the most difficult decade of life.

That is when the shit really hits the fan.

(Sighing)

What are you grinning at?

You.

Tell me more.

I want to know everything.

MARGARET: Hey, you haven't quit yet.

KATIE: Not yet. MARGARET: See you later. Thanks.

KATIE: Yeah! PAUL: Hey, hey. Hi, sweetie.

I'll be right back.

Here's your salary, and a little something extra.

Thanks. Bye.

PAUL: Bye.

PAUL: "Dear Miss Kampenfelt,

"since you expressed a desire today

"to learn more about adult life,

"here are 10 bitter truths for your reading pleasure.

"Number one: Complete honesty is a complete lie.

"Two, marriage is sacred only to those

"who have never been married.

"Three, money is more integral to happiness

than romantic love."

KATIE: "Four, every human being is a contradiction.

"Some hide it better than others.

"Five, never underestimate the tendency of human beings

"to act contrary to their own best interests.

"Six, were it not for the fear of getting caught,

"most of us would behave like savages.

"Seven, all sex has consequences,

most of them dire."

JOEL: "The older you get, the faster time flies

"until months pass like days.

"There's no such thing as living happily ever after.

Everything gets worse."

He wants to fuck you.

(Laughing): He has, like,

the most perfect, beautiful wife on the planet.

And that's why it's not going to happen?

Because he doesn't want to?

What about you?

I would never do that.

You don't know me.

JOEL: You're self-centered.

KATIE: Ooh, news flash.

JOEL: You're promiscuous.

KATIE: I can't help it.

It feels good.

And plus, I owe it to my fans.

JOEL: You're an incipient alcoholic.

KATIE: No, I'm not.

Hey, what does that mean again?

JOEL: It means you're not an addict yet, but you're well on the way.

KATIE: Oh, okay.

JOEL: I want to ask you something,

KATIE: Mm-hmm.

JOEL: You don't have to answer,

but were you molested when you were little?

Because you remind me of a friend of mine from school.

She was abused.

A little.

I mean, it just depends on...

The summer before my parents got divorced, I was like 6.

My dad had disconnected the cable.

He was going to write this book

on worst sports injures in history,

and he didn't want to be distracted.

That's a good idea for a book.

Well, he never wrote it.

Anyway, since we had no TV,

my mom sent me next door to watch at the Solagee's.

And Mrs. Solagee would always make me

these yummy prune Hungarian cookies,

and I'd get to watch cartoons.

But then when we were alone,

Mr. Solagee would put me on his lap,

and he'd touch me.

He would squirm around the whole time.

God.

You know, it actually felt kind of good.

My friend Joel thinks I need therapy.

What do you think?

He's probably right.

I agree.

Surprise, surprise.

I'll find you someone good.

A lady, okay?

KATIE, NARRATING: JulietIsDead wants to know what Joel meant

when he said I was in a mental hospital.

When I was 13 I stole a bunch of my mom's Ambiens

and climbed in the window of a 26-year-old lifeguard

I had a massive crush on.

When he told me to go home, I started crying hysterically

and locked myself in his bathroom.

They kept me in the psych ward for three days.

Been pretty much anti-therapy ever since.

(Doorbell ringing)

And now I'm thinking that maybe what Mr. Solagee did

really affected me.

Maybe that's why I like older guys so much.

I just always that it was because my dad was such a dick.

(Laughing)

I'd like you to write a letter to Mr. Solagee.

He's really old. He's probably dead.

It's not for him.

(Paul sighing)

PAUL: Kyle had night terrors again last night.

Even after I picked him up,

he cried for another half-hour.

Scared the shit out of us.

Well, what do you think's causing it?

Well, I think it's that Maggie went back to work,

but she doesn't want to hear about that, of course.

So, what are you going to do?

(Sighing)

Just give him some extra love,

and hope that she comes to her senses.

Hmm.

She's so lucky to be married to you.

I don't know why she wants to go back to work so quickly.

It's ridiculous.

(Sighing)

You know what?

It's not till tomorrow, but what the hell?

Happy Valentine's Day.

It's a locket.

Until you have a kid of your own,

I figured a picture of Kyle will have to do.

Thank you. I love it.

God, you're beautiful.

(Door opening and closing)

KATIE: So yeah, I mostly just hang out with this kid, Joel Seidler.

He's kind of funny.

Look who it is. Hey, honey.

What time did she say the samples were coming?

Ha! No, no, no, no, no.

I need something way more specific than that.

Yes, please call back.

All right, fine. I'll call you back.

(Cell phone vibrating)

Well, hello.

DAN, OVER PHONE: Hey, um...

Martine's out of town for the weekend.

Hey, why didn't you tell me your dad died?

Because I hate your guts.

Oh, God!

(Panting and moaning)

Okay, slow down, slow down.

I want it to last longer.

You can do it. You can.

You can.

(Both breathing heavily)

(Birds squawking)

(Both shuddering)

That was a big mistake.

Yeah.

I'm in love...

with somebody else.

Oh, and suddenly age matters?

Yeah, it matters, because I'm 14 years older then you.

I'm not 23. And I'm not married. And I'm not your boss.

Why are you freaking out? All we did was kiss.

Oh, stop. Stop pretending like you don't know what's going on.

That's why he hired you.

He's a fucking scumbag.

And what are you?

You need help.

I know.

I'm in therapy.

Good, well, hope you tell him all about Spooner.

It's a she.

And I didn't.

But I told her all about you.

That's great.

Thanks.

Well, you can tell her this next time you go:

you can tell her that I ended it.

No more. We're not doing this ever again, you understand?

One of us has to be strong enough to end it.

Since I'm the adult I guess it'll be me.

Don't call me again either.

Good morning!

Gotcha. Okay, so you-- So you don't like that.

I thought I didn't want it to happen,

but maybe I did.

*

When I'm with him I feel so special.

I forget everything.

CAROLINE: Dear Dr. Sherman,

first off, I want to thank you for making time

in your busy schedule to see my darling Katie.

She really is something, isn't she?

One of a kind, all right.

As much as she enjoyed your session together,

I have decided to send her to a different therapist,

one who specializes in young women

and their many food-body issues, a national epidemic.

Thank you so much for your time.

(Typing) Yours truly...

Caroline Kampenfelt.

(Cell phone vibrating)

JOEL, OVER PHONE: Katie, Joel.

Hi.

I just wanted to tell you that you're a monster.

I've been a really good friend to you,

and this is how you repay me? By never calling me back.

Besides me, how many straight guys are there

in the whole world who like you enough

to be your friend without there being anything sexual?

I'll give you a hint:

zero.

I'm only three years older than you,

but I'm so much smarter it's ridiculous.

You have no inner life.

(Sobbing)

KATIE, NARRATING: Why was I crying so hard?

Who cares what Joel thought of me?

And then I thought,

Oh, wait, maybe it's just hormones.

(Beeping)

(Inhaling and exhaling)

No, thanks.

Okay.

What's going on?

What do you mean?

You never say no.

Why not?

I'm pregnant.

Holy shit.

Stop.

I'm not keeping it.

And there's a decent chance it's not yours.

Then why'd you even tell me?

Because you wanted me to get high.

Yeah, well, if you're just going to kill it, why not get high?

I might change my mind.

Maybe.

Oh, man.

How many others are there?

Two.

You're a fucking whore.

You're not even worth it!

(Door slamming)

WOMAN, OVER PHONE: Hello?

I'm sorry, I might have the wrong number.

I'm looking for Joel Seidler.

Who is this?

Katie Kempenfelt.

Oh, Katie.

You know he's clinically depressed, right?

Of course.

We talk about it all the time.

Well, he made another attempt.

Pills this time. Very female.

I was the one who found him.

Worst moment of my life.

Is he okay?

Physically, yes.

Mentally, who the hell knows?

He's at St. Jude's.

Can I visit him?

No, honey we got to get his chemistry

straightened out first.

Will you let me know when he can have visitors?

Of course. Absolutely.

Thank you.

I'm so happy you finally called.

(Sighing)

(Sobbing)

I can't believe I miss him so much.

If only he had left that silly card where it was.

What? What silly card?

I wasn't sure whether to tell you.

What? What are you talking about?

One day I was cleaning the house,

and in his closet I found the underwear

you gave him for Christmas.

I put them away and threw the box in the trash.

Later, when your father found out what I had done,

he was furious at me.

In the middle of the night,

he rose.

I asked him where he was going.

He said, "To pick through the garbage,

like your cousins back in Calcutta."

I woke up minutes later.

The room was very cold.

I found the back door wide open.

Your father slipped in the dark

and fell on the way to retrieve your card.

But he never even opened my cards.

He didn't care about those things.

That's precisely what I thought.

But no.

I found them in his desk.

All from you.

*

* Fog tints the windows

* And clouds up the view

* Sits in the trees

* And hugs the sky too

* Mr. Blue Sky

* Greets his old friend

* Blankets the earth

* To brings the year's end

* There's a longing in the air

* And something tells you

* That wintertime is here

* The nostalgia warms your heart

* And everything feels

* Right

(Knocking at door)

You have an appointment with Dr. Sherman Saturday at 10:00.

I know you only went once.

What?

That's non-negotiable.

(Blowing) KATIE: Yay!

Happy birthday. (Laughing)

Thank you. I love it. Oh, good.

It's gorgeous. Thank you so much.

Oh, come on. You didn't have to do that.

I know.

Let's see.

Very cute.

(Laughing)

Aww, that's sweet.

Very sweet. Thank you. (Kyle crying)

Whoa, looks like somebody wants to join the party.

Oh, no, no, I'll get him.

So, what's it like being 43?

MARGARET, OVER INTERCOM: Hi, honey. Shh.

Same as being 18.

Just, uh, when you get up,

your back is a little stiff, that's all.

There we go. Good boy.

(Laughing): Oh.

God.

Just your back? (Moaning)

This is your real present.

(Laughing): Oh, yeah.

KATIE: "To Paul on his 43rd birthday.

"Napping on the sofa,

"your baby boy napping in his bouncing chair.

"Two separate lives, lying so close for a while

"until you both wake up and become father and son again.

"May you always be like this.

"Sleeping close and awaking close,

"sharing nearly all of your lives.

I wish I could share them too."

It's beautiful.

Really? Yeah.

(Kyle crying) MARGARET: Shh.

I'm sorry.

(Paper tearing)

It's okay, it's okay.

You understand, right?

I'm sorry.

It's going to be okay.

Okay.

Oh, God.

KATIE, NARRATING: Being pregnant is like being seasick,

and you can't get off the boat.

The smell of bubble gum, deodorant,

scented candles makes me want to vomit from my toes.

(Groaning)

(Panting)

(Phone line ringing)

DAN, OVER PHONE: Hello?

I'm pregnant.

And the baby's yours.

So I thought maybe before I got an abortion,

you'd like to discuss it.

Dwayne, you know better.

You got to call me during my office hours, okay?

Good night. Wait...

(Cell phone beeping off)

(Screaming)

(Sobbing)

SHERMAN: You don't need antidepressants,

because you're not clinically depressed.

You're grieving.

There's a world of difference.

Not just for your father.

KATIE, NARRATING: When I was in the second grade I liked to gross boys out

by eating flies and ants.

Even a daddy longlegs once.

In junior high I stopped taking showers.

My mom would say,

"Why do you want to treat your body with such disrespect?"

I had no idea why.

But now I do.

You probably thought I forgot,

but I remember everything you did to me.

Sometimes I thought maybe you forgot.

But you were a grown man at the time you molested me.

If you are a Christian,

and I think you are,

then you know what awaits you.

Yours truly, little Katie next door.

Katie.

Miss Matsuo.

How's the grand experiment?

Excuse me?

Life without semesters?

Oh, it's great.

Good.

Actually, I just lied to you.

It's really, really hard.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

You know, I-- I think it's getting better.

I think I'm going to be okay.

Well, you take care.

* Did you hear

* Where I was going, my dear?

* Did you see me

* Walking down that road?

* And do you understand

* That my life (Unclear)

* And no, baby

* You know I'm not very old

Well, if it isn't one of my favourite people in the world.

That's me.

What's wrong?

Just wanted to come say hi.

I don't believe that.

Come on in. Tell me what's going on with you.

I need some advice.

Okay.

But I want to talk to you about something first.

I didn't quit for the reason I said.

My mom's fiancé found out that you're a convicted sex offender.

That occurred to me.

I wanted to tell you the truth,

but my mom would have grounded me until the end of time.

She was afraid for you.

Well, hello, I'm a girl.

But you're here now.

What changed?

I need your wisdom.

But I want to know what your crime was.

Why?

I need to know.

(Glenn sighing)

It was a long time ago.

Please?

(Exhaling)

May I have one of those?

You smoke?

I'm what is known in Nicotine Anonymous

as a periodic.

I start and stop.

Right now I'm undecided.

Have a seat.

Ah, there it is.

(Sniffing)

(Sighing)

Where do I begin?

When I was your age, Katie,

I was a very angry,

nasty piece of work.

I was rarely clean or sober.

I had hair down to here and a full beard,

believe it or not.

And when I was 19 years old I got busted for selling drugs.

So in order to avoid jail time I enlisted in the Army.

And I just stayed high all the time.

Well, surprise, surprise, I get busted

and dishonourably discharged and sent home.

And I stayed out of trouble for a very long time,

until one night I got shit-face drunk

and showed up at the house of a woman I knew

who was a prostitute.

Not one that I could afford,

but she had a soft spot for vets.

And the last thing I remember was,

she pulled out a bottle of rum and a tab of acid.

So when I woke up in jail the next morning,

I had no choice but to take her word for what happened.

And the word of the emergency room doctor, of course.

(Sighing)

I did not rape her in the way

that most people would define that term,

but it was a very, uh,

cruel sexual assault,

and I paid the price.

Now, tell me what's wrong with you.

I'm pregnant.

Hmm.

KATIE: I'm just-- I'm too young to have a baby.

And I know-- I know I should get an abortion.

But days keep passing by,

and I don't make the appointment.

(Sighing)

I just-- I think I'm scared to go alone.

I think it's more than that.

I think you're afraid to go at all.

And for good reason.

Because if you do this,

there's no telling how you'll feel about it later.

You're afraid you'll regret it.

Maybe.

But, you know, very few people

ever regret having had a child.

Is that true? Absolutely.

You want some more wisdom? No extra charge.

Please.

Stop drinking and smoking immediately.

And you must never see any of these men ever again.

Dump Paul?

No, no, he'll freak out.

Please, please, Katie, listen to me.

When a married man

is having an affair with a beautiful, young girl,

no matter how much he feels for that girl,

he's always relieved when it's over

because he knows he's been playing a dangerous game,

and he's lucky to escape alive.

He doesn't love me?

Not the way you think.

But if I dump Paul,

then I lose my job.

Well, you could always come back and work here.

Yeah, my mom would kill me.

You don't need her permission anymore.

You're an adult.

She'd kick me out of the house--

You know what? There just happens to be

an empty room above my garage,

and you're welcome to it, rent-free.

You have to start making your own decisions, young lady.

Now, come on. I got to close up.

And I'll give you a lift.

Read any good books lately?

KATIE: No. not even a bad one.

But I've sort of been writing.

I thought you'd be proud that I have a blog.

I like that it's creative and that it's verbal.

What I don't like is that it's public.

Your generation is addicted to attention.

(Keys rattling)

I know.

It's like we all want to be famous,

even though we're not good at anything.

Precisely.

You sure I can't give you a lift?

I like to walk.

All right, then.

Thanks for all the advice.

You're welcome.

Something else you might consider.

I can understand how you feel,

how you think you're not ready to be a mother.

But have the baby anyway.

What's the harm?

I'll raise it as my own, and you can come and go as you please.

You can be as much of a mother as you care to be.

(Car alarm chirping)

If I don't do what you want me to,

then could I still work here and live with you?

Of course.

*

KATIE, NARRATING: I want to thank everyone who wrote to tell me

I'm a baby killer even though I haven't even decided

what I'm going to do yet.

(Bathwater running)

(Turns water off)

If I move in with Glenn,

it's the beginning of my adult life.

On my own for the first time.

It's a perfect time to stop blogging.

Can I do it?

Just live without describing everything I do?

Can I cancel my reality show and become a better person?

Do human beings ever dream a whole new life

and make it come true?

Or do they always go back to the way they were?

I guess there's only one way to find out.

Say goodbye to all of you and just live.

Really live.

CAROLINE: My name is Carol Granthum.

I'm the mother of Amy Granthum,

whom you know as Katie Kampenfelt.

A few minutes after posting her final blog,

someone called Amy from a blocked number.

The call lasted a minute and 38 seconds.

A few minutes later

Amy got in her car, drove away

and never came back.

No one's seen or heard from her since.

She hasn't withdrawn any money from the bank

or even used her cell phone.

The police believe the person who called Amy that night

could very well hold the key to her whereabouts.

(Typing)

I'm writing because I need your help.

Please keep reading.

I have hired a private investigator.

He's questioned everyone in Amy's life.

He showed them her blog.

To hide her identity, she changed names and details.

(No audio)

Her boyfriend Aiden

says everything Amy wrote about him is true.

He has a terrible temper,

but he insists that he would never harm her.

Dan is not actually a college professor.

He manages a video store.

He says Amy's description of their relationship

was mostly accurate,

but that she never told him she was pregnant.

The couple she works for

dispute only the most important fact of the blog.

The husband denies any sexual involvement.

Jake Seidler is devastated.

He regrets the cruelty of his last voice message.

Amy's best friend Noelle is a drug addict.

She has a blocked phone number,

but she says that she did not call Amy

on the night she disappeared.

Roy Olson, her boss,

says word Amy wrote about him is true

except that he never offered to raise her child.

If any of you exchanged e-mails or phone calls with Amy

in which she shared any information

that might help us to locate her

please, please write to me here.

Amy is a wonderful girl with a remarkable spirit.

She's my life, my whole heart.

Since her disappearance,

on nights when I can't sleep

I read and reread Amy's postings.

I read all of your e-mails and comments too,

even the most vicious of them.

I ask myself: Who would want to hurt my daughter?

I hear the answer:

everyone.

* I did my time, I stood in line

* I waited for so long

* Stand in circles

* Sitting duck

* I finally jumped this pond

* Now I get this year to live

* I'm going to live it well

* 'Cause I want something new to give

* In my life's show-and-tell

* I'm gonna try things, I'm gonna go there

* Gonna take this all the way

* Test my limits, I'm gonna wing it

* And there's nothing you can say

* So here I go with an open heart

* 'Cause...

* Right now my life starts bum-ba-dum

* Bum-bum-bum-ba-dum

* Da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da

* Bum-ba-dum

* Bum-bum-bum-ba-dum

* Da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da

* Time to go off on my own

* It's finally my turn

* It's my turn

* No right or wrong

* 'Cause from now on

* The stakes are how I learn

* Hm-hmm

* And now I get this year to live

* I'm going to live it well

* 'Cause I want something new to give

* In my life's show-and-tell

* I'm gonna try things, I'm gonna go there

* Gonna take this all the way

* Test my limits, I'm gonna wing it

* And there's nothing you can say

* Oh, whoa

* So here I go with an open heart

* 'Cause...

* Right now my life starts

* Oh, whoa

* But I know you're scared

* And it's tough to bear

* That your little girl just walked out the door

* She's gone, she's gone

* But it's time to see

* The bad girl is me

* And I just (Unclear) little anymore

* Oh, whoa

* I'm gonna try things, I'm gonna go there

* Gonna take this all the way

* Test my limits, I'm gonna wing it

* And there's nothing you can say

* There's nothing you can say

* So here I go with an open heart

* 'Cause...

* Right now my life starts