Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

Thank you.

So spooky.

So spooky.

Happy Halloween to all the haters and losers.

Mr. President, how do you respond to criticisms from Republican Senators

and Flake? Those guys are total zeros. But they just voted with you to protect

Big Bang. I just said those guys are American heroes.

Are you afraid that more Republicans will turn against you? No, I'm not

of them.

I'm the scary one.

And that's why tonight's theme is fear.

As President JFK Rowling once famously said, the only thing we have to fear is

me.

Boom!

That's not a JFK quote. Yes, it is. You'll see. It's in the super -secret

files. There's great stuff in there.

Grassy Knowles, hot centerfolds, Lee Harvey Weinstein. Mr. President! Mr.

President! When will you commit significant resources to fixing the

crisis? We're going to do it next week.

You said that last week. That was an announcement about this week. And now

announcing next week's announcement.

We're announcing so much, everyone's going to be addicted to announcements.

Opioid crisis solved.

End of discussion.

I said end of discussion.

What's wrong with you people? Pay attention to me. Fear me.

Is this thing even on?

The microphone was on, but something was definitely off.

Imagine, if you will, a man. A man so cruel, so petty, so ignorant of

policy. He wouldn't be qualified to serve as dog catcher. But he just

be the most powerful man in the world.

He uses fear to control his enemies and his friends.

What happens when he loses that control?

He'll soon find out, because he's the president.

Can you believe it?

That's right.

Welcome to the show.

Later, I'll be talking to author, New York Times contributor, and troll

Lindy West.

But now, the oatmeal raisin cookie you thought was chocolate chip. It's my

best. Oh, yes.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. You know, it's funny you mention that.

Raisins are what I give out on Halloween.

Whoa. That's weird, Mike.

You know, There's been a lot of weird stuff going on here recently.

Well, weird how? Do you mean like a sandwich with a crust still on it? No.

Like, I tried to tweet about how if North Korea would just carry Ivanka's

jewelry line, then we won't have to go to war. But my tweet never showed up.

Huh, funny.

You know, it must be bad Wi -Fi, sir. You know what? Forget about it. I'm

to cheer you up. Let's do your daily briefing. Oh, boy, oh, boy!

Since briefings aren't really my thing, Mike made them a spooktacular game show

that I can win. So now they are my thing. It's time for Prez Your Luck.

Let's play.

Victory, victory, victory.

Laura, Democrats are trying to say what happened in Niger is this

administration's Benghazi. I want people to understand what is actually

happening in Africa. This is going to be Trump's Benghazi.

What? That's crazy.

Niger isn't my Benghazi. Syria is my Benghazi.

And Puerto Rico is my Katrina.

Russia is my Watergate. Don Jr.

is my Titanic.

And the California wildfires are my Niger. That's the circle of life.

Well, you know, I actually prefer squares, sir. You would.

Scary, spooky, prize my Lukey. Big story, big story, big story.

Uh -oh, you got a muller.

I hate...

That stupid Mueller and his dumb investigation.

Oh, I'm so sorry about that, too. You know what? Let's just keep going.

Time for a fright.

I want to press my luck to next.

No, Mueller. No, Mueller. No, Mueller. Stop.

The Senate killing a rule making it easier for consumers to sue banks. A

Wall Street win under the Trump administration.

If there's anything the financial crisis of 1929, 1987, and 2008 have taught us,

it's that we can always trust the banks. Yes.

Ding dong. Who's at the door? It's me.

I'm a little boy dressed up like the president, and I want to press my luck.

No mullers, no mullers, no mullers, no mullers. Stop.

Oh, no. Oh, boy. Oh, it's a muller. I'm going to throw the book at you. Oh, no.

Ah!

The book. I hate books.

Oh, that's a shame, sir. He knows your weakness.

I'm going to carve him up like a pumpkin and press my luck.

No, mullers, no mullers, no mullers. Stop.

It's time for our complicity and our accommodation of the unacceptable to

When the next generation asks us, why didn't you do something?

Why didn't you speak up?

What are we going to say?

This is exactly the type of tough talk I'm glad no one did before the election.

Like they always say, better late than when it matters.

Trick or treat.

Smell my feet.

Hey, don't smell my feet. Praise my luck.

No, Mueller's big story. No, Mueller's big story. Stop.

Oh, it's not a Mueller. It's just a sexy little kissy kitty.

That cat is out of the bag.

It's a Mueller.

me, Mike.

Well, looks like mother gotcha. It is what it is. So what, do we switch seats

now? No. No?

Okay.

No way.

I stole this thing fair and square. Okay.

Briefing over.

Another standing ovation for me.

What did I win?

You won a special Halloween surprise.

It's raisins. Yes.

Raisins the opposite of candy. There you go, sir. It's raisins. Oh.

Ooh. Raisins. We'll be right back.

Oh, boy, I'm so excited about this donor party, man.

Why did we bring the camera crew, Mike? Well, we're documenting it to show other

donors sort of an inside look at the campaign of Donald Trump. No, that was a

tutorial question, Mike. Well, we're bringing the camera crew because we're

going to record the hot sex that's going to happen at this secret society party.

Bridget, this better be a nice wide shut party. Okay, because I'm already

wearing a condom. No. Whoa, wait a minute. What? Hot dog. That's Donald J.

Trump's state park. We got to go, Mike. It's my state park. No, no, no, sir. We

can't. We're running late. I hit the jackpot.

Driver, take me to my state park.

I bought this land to make a golf course, but it turned out to be

crap, so I donated it as a write -off.

Oh, boy, all right.

It's so beautiful. It's the most beautiful place you've ever seen.

What the...

You gotta be kidding me. Donald J. Trump sucks state park?

That's impossible. You can't suck all state park. Maybe a tree or a log. Sir,

don't feel good about this. There's a darkness here. Some sort of dark

I'm the president, okay? And the dark one was the last guy. Come on, let's go.

Get back in the car, sir.

Sir. Sir.

Whoa, this way, Mike.

Sir, this is more than you've ever run in your whole life. Please. No.

We are going north. Oh, here's my... I want to talk about who made it in the

woods. You must have, Bridget. My log. Look, that rotten log. That's mine.

That's wonderful, sir. I mean, I did it in the woods one time, but I was alone.

So I don't think that counts.

My moss. Right there. That's my moss. That's great, sir. My neckties.

Huh? My neckties.

What are... They all say made in Moscow.

Oh, that's impossible, Mike.

Everybody knows I don't have any Russian ties, right, Bridget?

That's right. No, sir.

No Russian ties. No Russian ties.

Well, let's go.

Look at that tree over there. I own that one, too.

Oh, and I just farted. I own that fart, Mike.

Okay, what was that?

Must have been a sky wolf. I don't know.

That's not a real thing. Sir, do you even know where you're going?

No.

It's getting cold and dark, sir.

Oh, wow.

Who cares?

No. No.

No. Sir, look where we are.

Unbelievable, Mike. This is all your fault for wanting to use that stupid

compass. Don't blame the compass.

Don't ever blame the compass, sir. You don't know where we are.

You don't know where we are. I know where we are. You two, shut up. I have a

feeling about this. Hey, you listen to me. We're missing out on a killer sex

party, which means we now have to have our own eyes wide shut sex party

right here in the woods.

Mike, you don't need to do it. Are you still in? No. Sir, look. Sir, look.

I don't see anything, Mike, except a tree. There was something there. Did you

see it? Did you see what that was? I know. I know. Okay, Bridget, go check it

out. No. Bridget, go check it out. No.

Sorry. Go right now. Go right now.

Turn around.

Go look for it. Go see what it was. Get it on camera. I don't see anything,

Mike.

I'm so scared.

I'm so scared.

Where the hell did Bridget go?

Bridget?

This is terrible.

Mike. What?

We are in one of the greatest tents ever constructed.

Whoa. What is that? What's that?

It's whatever that thing is that took Bridget in the car.

No, no, no.

Take him.

He's the president. What was that?

I'd build my stone cairns and perform my rites, calling forth on the ancient

power of the earth and the rock in a pre -dawn tongue.

Affect the midterm elections, I call on you!

I call on you.

So cool.

Because woods have power, you know.

There's a monster in these woods.

Something so dark, so all -encompassing.

It spends its days gathering evidence.

It interviews the witnesses.

It thrives on depositions.

And all you have to do is summon this Mullerman.

is to whisper the word collusion three times.

Collusion.

Collusion. No, don't say it again. No, stop.

No, don't worry, I won't.

Collusion. No.

Oh, no!

No! No!

Sir, I can't go anymore.

He's got us. Mike, come on. Let's go. No, sir. You know everything that we

We didn't do anything. We can't escape them. We did it all.

Stop it. Stop it, Mike. Sir, it's all over. He's got us.

He's got you, Mike.

What? Bye -bye.

God, help me.

God, help me.

Bridget? Sir, where did you go? It's been like 10 minutes.

Get a sundial, Bridget. It's been 10 minutes.

It's been like 10 hours.

Oh, the mother man was so scary.

Bridget?

Bridget?

Whatever.

Driver, take me home.

I know where I'm taking you.

Your hands!

No!

So excited.

My guest tonight is an author and New York Times contributing writer.

Please welcome Lindy West!

Now, you wrote an op -ed in the failing New York Times about the Harvey

Weinstein scandal called, yes, this is a witch hunt, I'm a witch, and I'm

hunting you. And it's Halloween?

That's so spooky.

How can men protect ourselves from being accused of sexual harassment that we

did and will do again?

So have you considered not doing it? No, that's impossible.

I don't see people.

As other people, other extensions of my psyche.

So you're constantly molesting your own psyche. That's how I see it. That's

weird. I'm molesting myself.

I'm the victim.

Yeah, so I think I guess the answer is that you can't protect yourself because

that's sort of the point of the op -ed is that we're coming for you to destroy

you.

You are no longer on Twitter.

Because you say it's unusable for anyone but trolls, robots, and dictators.

Yeah. Should Twitter and Jack Dorsey, the guy who owns Twitter, do a better

monitoring hate speech?

Yeah. I left Twitter because of you specifically.

Why? Because I started to think about Twitter as like a large swimming pool.

I didn't want to be in the pool with you. Like a swamp.

Let me tell you. It's a swamp.

And you got to drain the swamp, okay?

Everything is a swamp?

Yeah. You can't just use the swamp metaphor for everything.

Yeah, the swamp. Oh, it works for anything.

If you're like at Thanksgiving and it's like the end of the turkey and you're

like, that's a swamp.

And we got to drain the swamp. And then you take a straw and you suck up the

gravy. At least I do.

But yeah, so, you know, my experience on Twitter was one of...

constant harassment and abuse and stalking and you know yeah uh

and a lot of that has to do with the kind of culture that you foster

with you know the way that you use that platform and the way that you treat

other people i'm sorry to really lay into you like this i'm not sorry are you

kidding me i could take it i kind of like it oh god we are usually talking

people being silenced By, you know, Twitter shutting their accounts down for

harassment or abuse, which I'm sure, you know, I'm a big proponent. I think that

at Jack needs to shut you down and you don't get to be there.

You know, for instance, people are kicked off Twitter for sending, you

rape threat or one death threat, whereas you have repeatedly threatened to kill

millions of people. That's right.

So I'm fire.

And fury. So I'm just not clear on why that doesn't violate the terms of

service. Because Jack's a rich, inconsistent guy who doesn't really

actually, about the users as much as he cares about profiteering off of white

supremacy and marginalizing women.

Yeah. That was really good.

You're right.

You wrote a book called Shrill where you talk about body shaming.

Now, you've been body shamed and I've been body shamed. You know, I've

defended you against body shaming. Right.

Because, you know, I feel very strongly about the principle that we shouldn't

judge people based on what their bodies look like. And there are so many bad

things about you that don't have anything to do with what you look like.

Thank you.

But the thing about you, though, is that you also do a lot of body shaming. I

love it. Right.

So you have no interest in changing that behavior?

Oh, I don't think I have any interest in changing anything.

The only thing I change is the channel to watch Heart to Heart.

Lindy, thank you for coming on the show.

Lindy West, everybody!

Ladies and gentlemen, the 46th president of the United States.

My fellow Americans.

I'm so proud of what we've been able to accomplish in just a few short months of

the Pence administration.

Roe v. Wade is gone.

Gay marriage is now punishable by straight marriage.

It's time to tackle important problems, like what to do when you're alone in

your car with the lady GPS voice.

Everybody wishes that I were gone.

America wants stability in order.

Exit one President Trump and enter one President Pence.

A man whose moral compass leads us forward into the past.

And finally, to address the issue of former President Trump.

Former? Special Counsel Robert Mueller's dedicated attention to the president's

obstruction of justice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

That's not the kind of attention I was looking for, Mike. What the hell is

on? Mike!

Mike! Hello!

This is too scary.

I'm done with your Twilight Zone thing. That's enough of this. I'm done with the

Twilight Zone thing. Hello!

Stop it!

You in there!

Pay attention to me!

Get out of that chair, Mike!

Mike, I'm right here!

I'm right here!

I'm the president!

Executive order!

Look at me!

I'm the president!

Doesn't anyone believe me? Pay attention to me!

Pay attention to me!

No! No! And so to you I say, good night,

and Jesus bless the United States of America.