Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

Yes, it's very sad.

It's very sad.

Very sad.

Well, you knew what you signed up for, but thank you for your service.

Okay, bye Melania.

Mr. President, how do you respond to the judges rejecting yet another travel

ban? I reject the rejection.

It's total fake news.

But, sir, people are calling it your biggest public failure.

You're the biggest public failure.

I decide how big my failures are.

And they're the biggest.

Wait, that's not what I meant.

Sir, come on. What are you thinking about?

What are you thinking? No. I agree.

Sometimes I get so frustrated that I don't know what to do. So I just freeze

time. I mean, these reporters are so mean to me. Why can't they be like my

boxing friends? Like Steve Doocy and Brian Doocy and Lady Doody and the other

idiots who say what I tell them.

Easy, Donald.

You're the king.

Time unfreeze.

Sir, how do you respond to Senator McCain's implication that you're in bed

half -baked spurious nationalism? I don't respond. McCain is not my friend.

you know who else isn't my friend?

NFL players, military widows, Hawaiian judges, Hawaiian pizza, everyone in the

White House, that Me Too hashtag, and you people.

Yeah, we're not your friends. Yeah, I said it first. You're not my friends.

Time's up.

But I want them to be.

And that's why tonight's theme is friends.

They're supposed to make me feel big and strong and big while I make them feel

small and dumb and small.

That's what friends are.

They're there to serve me.

This is my castle, and I'm the queen.

Oh, I mean the king.

Time unfreezed.

This is a big process. Seriously, sir. You never talk about the good things. I

do good. I made the stock market a very big number. I made jobs that people have

big jobs.

Steve Jobs. But he's dead.

But that's not my fault. That happened during Obama, and he didn't even call.

What are you talking about? What am I talking about?

I don't like the way I feel right now.

They made me feel bad about myself. So I'm going to make them pay. I'll make

them pay big time. Believe me.

Um, we can hear you. God damn it. I forgot to do the time thing.

Whatever. I'm the king.

You're the president.

Can you believe it?

Let's roll.

Welcome to the show.

Later on, I'll be talking with the host of The Young Turks, Anna Kasparian.

But now, he's a store brand mayonnaise in an off -the -rack suit, Mike Pence.

Jesus,

Mike. What happened to your arm?

I don't want to talk about it. You can tell me. We're friends. What happened?

No, I don't want to talk about it. Well, well, someone's a grumpy Gus.

It must be that big New Yorker article about little old you.

The Danger of President Pence.

No, sir, I saw that, but this is not about the article.

Hmm. What was your favorite part, Mike?

Mine was when we were talking about gay rights, and I pointed at you and said,

don't ask that guy, he wants to hang them all.

Wow, Mike, that is intense.

No, no, I never actually said it like that.

Oh, right, I remember what you said. You said you wanted to get a bus and round

up every single... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please, just... Stop

please. There's so many crazy things you've said and done. Remember when

said your policies caused a huge HIV outbreak in Indiana and you ignored it

two months and then preyed on it? Yes, I remember that, and that's true, but I

would really prefer if that wasn't widely known. Oh, and the one time when

went on that long rant about the Disney movie Mulan and it ended by saying women

shouldn't be in the military?

Yes, of course I did. That's also true, but please, I don't do this to be funny.

You don't even believe in evolution. You want to teach our children that Jesus

wrote to work on a triceratops. Stop saying all of these things. Just stop.

just a safe, boring guy from Indiana.

Oh, yeah. And I'm a feminist.

I'm tired of talking to you. Let's talk about me. It's time for executive

orders.

Everybody's mad at me for not calling the families of fallen soldiers.

But when I do call, they yell at me for not being sensitive enough.

So you know what?

Executive order.

If you get a phone call from me, hang up.

I get the credit for calling you, and you don't have to talk to me. So it's a

win -win if you don't count your tragic loss.

So if you're a widow or a head of state or in a teen beauty pageant, And

especially if you're a teen head of state widow in a beauty pageant.

Do us both a favor and don't pick up.

Yeah. That's good to know. I'll start hanging up on you. No, you won't, Mike.

Well, you're right. That's what I thought.

Even though you're being a crabby Carl right now, you're still not as bad as my

other so -called friends, Sean Spicer and Ryan Sprevis.

This past week, they both... Met privately with Robert Mueller's team.

they're probably ratting me out.

Dudes, what happens in the Oval stays in the Oval. So executive order, bros

before depots.

This is an addendum to cronies before testimony, which was an offshoot of

shut your goddamn mouth. Because no one should ever come between bros. And brah,

Mueller isn't even that hot.

Hey, Mike, you haven't talked to Mueller, have you? No, no, of course

But he does say hello. Well, that Mueller man is getting close.

Well, fake news about me is spreading like a wildfire. Oh, no, no, no, no,

You told me to remind you not to talk about the wildfire. Oh, well, good call,

Mike. If I start talking about the fires, I might accidentally bring up

charity stuff, like the Redwood Credit Union's North Bay Fire Relief. And

you know it, I'll be mentioning how easy it is to donate on their website.

And I'm not doing that.

Well, I admire your resolve, sir. Shut up, Mike. Okay. I mean, thank you, Mike.

Speaking of charity cases, why don't you do your own executive order?

Wait, really?

On a tension, Mike.

Oh. Here, there's a blank one, a pen.

You write anything you want, and I'll make it in the law.

Anything? Wow. Anything at all. Okay, well, let's see.

Something simple.

How about executive order, contraception for unmarried women is banned.

No, wait, wait.

Unmarried women are banned. That's good. No, all women are banned.

Wait, we need women to make babies.

Babies are banned. That's good.

Except for fetuses, which are now considered babies. I like that. And men

now marry fetuses, but not gay fetuses. That's unnatural.

All gays shall convert to straight. All straights shall convert to super

straight. And The Handmaid's Tale is now a documentary instead of a light family

comedy. Good.

Wait a minute. Time frames.

And you think I'm a threat? I mean, this guy is really bonkers. He actually

believes this shit.

Unfreeze. The Constitution is replaced by whatever the Christian version of

Sharia law is.

Wow.

You know what? I'll sign. There you go. Thank you so much. We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

Mike and I went to New York the other day, and we had a real adventure.

Take a look.

Okay, sir, here we are. Where's the sliders? There are no sliders, sir. We

not at a chain restaurant.

We are at a psychologist's office.

Yes, sir. No, no, no. Sir, sit down. Listen. Sit down, Mike.

Okay, okay. Sir, people are saying you are mentally unfit for the office, and

both know that's not true.

I'm incredibly mentally fit. My doctor said I had the most neurons of any

he had ever met.

I wish I had. So many neurons.

You know, you can talk about yourself the entire time.

Well, I can talk about myself. Yeah, you talk about yourself.

I'm totally sane, and I'm the president of the United States.

Mr. Trump, I feel I need to disclose to you that I'm the founder of an

organization called Duty to Warn.

I don't care.

Well, I think you should know that our association advocates your removal under

the 25th Amendment because we believe you're not psychologically fit. Wrong.

Totally wrong.

You make a lot of grandiose and paranoid -sounding statements, like you had the

biggest inauguration crowd.

Oh, yeah.

And that Barack Obama bugged your offices.

He's spying on everybody.

So here's my question.

Do you really believe those things you say?

No.

Yes.

Did I get it right?

It seems like you have an unusual need for approval.

People must see Trump everywhere because I grew up in Queens and then we went

into Manhattan.

Everyone else in Manhattan was rich and they went to the parties. They went to

Studio 54 and they did coke off of Twiggy's asshole.

I didn't get to do any of that. I had to go to Studio 54 and stand on the line.

One time I met Andy Warhol and I thought, that he was just a sheepskin

I was always left out. A doughy boy from Queens with big, juicy, kissy lips.

Well, I'm glad you can own him with that insecurity.

Is it okay that I've been farting in the sofa the whole time?

Well, that's okay. Let's move on. Yeah.

Tell me a little about your mother.

Mommy had the best hair.

Toughest hair.

You could throw a rock at it, it would bounce right off.

She was a tough woman. Very tough.

But what are we doing when we're hiding from Mommy?

You know, when mom's out at the key food and I'm around the corner trying to get

my pug yanked by whatever girl I went to school with, it's an alley.

And then you come home and you see mommy and you go, I did a dirty thing. And

mommy can't know.

And I control mommy then.

It does seem like control is a large part of this. I'm not going to change. I

say that.

That might be part of the problem.

I'm a tough guy.

And my father was a tough guy.

Yeah, tell me more about that.

The guy was so tough. He used to say, you got to be a killer in order to be

king. You got to be a killer. You got to be a king. You got to be a killer. You

got to be the king. You got to be the killer. You got to be the king. I know,

daddy. I know, daddy.

I know I need to.

What's wrong

with you?

I felt something.

Mr. Trump, where did you just go just now?

My dad was saying I'm the killer and the king, and then I pinched myself to feel

pain.

Look, Mr. Trump, I really need to confront you with a few things. I don't

that you really have control over your impulses. Wrong!

I think you suffer from three serious personality disorders.

Narcissistic. Oh, me?

Antisocial. Shut up! And paranoid.

Who told you?

And to make matters worse, I think you have grandiose and persecutory

Are you saying that my behavior is out of my own control because I'm so

from my own personality?

Exactly. So that means I'm not responsible for what I do?

No, that's not what I'm saying. Wow, thanks, Doc.

That's perfect diagnosis.

Check will be in the mail. Yeah, right.

Mike, I'm crazy!

I'm not responsible, Mike. Mike, I'm not responsible.

I'm not responsible, Mike. It's not my fault. I'm just crazy.

It's not my fault.

I'm nuts.

I'm not responsible for what I do.

Sir, sir.

This lady, give me your groceries.

No, sir, please don't. Give me your groceries.

I'm nuts. I'm crazy. I don't care. Give me a little bunny. Give me a bunny.

Child care.

Child, I don't care about shit.

Goddamn bunny.

Hey, lady, nice purse.

Yeah, give me your purse.

Give me your purse.

I lost my mind.

Whoa, I'm crazy.

I love it.

Whoa, wait a minute.

He's got a gun. I'm crazy. I'm crazy.

I'm crazy.

Whoa, so cool.

The best thing about firing a gun is that there are no consequences. Are you

kidding me?

You shot me in the shoulder.

You should be proud. You took a bullet from me, Mike. No, I took a bullet from

you. Don't worry. You can keep it. We'll be right back.

My guest tonight is a host and producer of the online news program, The Young

Turks. Please welcome Anna Kasparian!

So good, so good.

So good, a sturdy Armenian handshake.

What is The Young Turks? I have no idea what it is.

All right, well, um...

The American definition of young Turk is someone who goes against societal

expectations, a rebel.

Me. Kind of like you, yeah. Totally.

Like when you talk about how much you want to sleep with your daughter, it's

frowned upon, but it goes against societal expectations. But I'm a rebel.

You're a rebel, yeah.

Now, do you have more freedom being an online media outlet, and how do you pick

the fake news you choose to cover?

There's a lot more freedom, editorial freedom at least, when it comes to

content, which is why the name of the show is called Young Turks, because we

wanted to do something different from what you see on cable news. Yeah. You

right? What?

Yeah. That's my resting bitch face.

A lot of people on the left talk about the need for Medicare for all, Bernie.

Wouldn't that mean that all Americans would need to be over 65 and gross to

it?

They'd have to be a little like you, yeah.

Whoa.

That's a thing.

So Medicare is a part of our health care system that polls really, really well.

People who have Medicare coverage absolutely love it.

And so the idea is.

We currently have this incredibly confusing, complicated system.

People don't know what is covered, what isn't covered, what will make them

bankrupt, what won't make them bankrupt.

And so a Medicare -for -all system, which is gaining some steam and some

popularity among the American electorate, would essentially simplify

and ensure that every American is covered.

And so, no, you wouldn't have to be 65, and they wouldn't have to be gross like

you. Every American would get the coverage that they need.

I didn't listen to a thing you said.

Anyway, this week, my drug czar nominee, Tom Marino, who is a great quarterback,

withdrew his nomination.

But he has such great experience with drug companies. Isn't he the perfect

choice?

I mean, he had a lot of great experience with drug companies, like when they

were padding his pocket.

Right. So he would basically strip the DEA of its power to suspend

questionable drug shipments. So all of these people

that are suffering from the opioid epidemic. So terrible epidemic. So

Next week, we're getting to it. I'm saying let's get more opioids in the

of everybody.

And everybody. Yeah, equality, right? We're not doing it fast enough.

It's got to be equal. It's got to be equality.

And I always say to the drug addicts, what do you got to lose?

That's the perfect example of draining the swamp, right?

That's right. You don't want to look out for people's best interests.

You want to look out for the corporations that stand to profit and

people when they're miserable and sick.

Bingo. Yeah. And we're going to drain that swamp and fill it with codeine

syrup.

What is the biggest issue?

in the youth market today that nobody's paying attention to, that oldies like me

don't care about?

Oh, it's a great question. Well, I think that oftentimes people, I see a lot of

young people here. Oh yeah, so do I. I think most...

I think most can agree that one of the biggest concerns is our current

democratic system and how it's being undermined by money in politics.

And I think a lot of young people are privy to that and they want to change

that, which is why a candidate like Bernie Sanders did do so well.

I'm just like Bernie. You're nothing like Bernie. Not even close.

But, you know, money in politics, regardless of what your ideology is.

You can elect as many representatives as you want. The reality is they're not

going to look out for your best interests. They're going to look out for

best interests of the corporations that fund them.

Politicians are super cheap. You should know that.

I've got to start paying them off. I didn't know you could do that.

Anna, you're a smart, talented woman who does hard -hitting journalism.

So as a pig, I just want to say you're very frightening.

Thank you for coming on the show.

What a great show.

Our theme tonight was friends.

It's so hard to find good friends these days. Almost as hard as finding a

realistic fake wife.

But I still have my true friends. My base of loyal supporters.

They trust me. They have my back no matter what disgusting stuff I do.

Look, here's one right now.

Come on, coal miner.

I'll catch you.

My supporters are doing the ultimate trust fall.

I ask them to trust me, and they fall for it.

She trusts me to be good for women because of my daughter, who is bad for

He trusts me to solve the opioid crisis.

But I made Chris Christie the head of the opioid panel, so you know I don't

a shit about that.

And you'd think anyone could trust me to console the grieving family of a

soldier like a normal human being with empathy.

But sorry, never going to happen.

Whoa.

Maybe this is why I don't have any friends.

Oh, except Mike.

Mike! Yes, sir. Yes.

Yes, sir. Sadly, sir, I am still here for you. Good boy.

You see?

Mike's still my friend. Help me up, Mike.

Help me. There you go.

Mike stands by me even when I do stuff like this. Like what? Oh!

He knew what he signed up for.

Bye -bye!

to ask you to look at these cards and tell me what you see. Pussy.

Go. Next one.

Pussy. Go. Come on.

Okay. Pussy. Go.

Pussy.