Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

Somber, so somber.

You see that?

No applause.

My choice, because this has been a tough week.

And folks, I understand tone.

We suffered such great loss at the hands of a man who we were saddened to learn

is not a Muslim.

Wanted so badly for him to be a Muslim.

Even ISIS wanted him to be a Muslim.

Which is proof that sometimes it takes a tragedy to unite us.

Wow, look at that tone.

This is a chance for all Americans to set aside our differences.

No matter which side of the aisle you're on. From the obstructionist freedom

-stealing Democrats to the un -American witch -hunting Democrats.

We can't politicize our politics.

Somber.

It's in times like these we must search for answers.

That's why tonight's theme is why.

I know as Americans we're all asking ourselves the same question.

Why did this have to happen during my presidency?

So many bad things. Three hurricanes. All these investigations into my stupid

campaign. Getting trash talked by that Puerto Rican lady mayor.

I mean, haven't I been through enough?

Tone.

Somber.

Nobody understands how hard it is for me.

Somber Trump.

To walk out here tonight to no applause at all.

These people want to clap.

You can't see them, but they're dying to clap.

Isn't that right?

But I know.

But I told them not to.

And for that, I should be applauded.

Okay, now, do it.

We're already healing.

I'm the president.

Can you believe this?

Yeah, welcome to the show.

My guest tonight is veterans advocate Paul Rykoff.

And with me, as always, is a human styrofoam cup filled with eggshells.

Pence! Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much, sir. Much appreciated.

Mike.

Can you believe how many people are trying to get me to talk about gun

right now? Oh, at a time like this, sir, now is not the time. We can't talk

about preventing something like this from happening again.

No, it just happened. There should be a mandatory waiting period before we can't

talk about the thing it's not time to talk about now.

Exactly, sir. All in due time. I'm not going to do time.

That's Jared's dad.

Oh, yes.

He'll do time, sir. He's your cover. My time cover? No.

This is my time cover.

And that is definitely not Photoshop, sir. Photoshop, not on my watch, because

my watch is a limited edition NRA. Now is not the time timepiece.

With this watch, it's not the time all the time.

Available for unlimited time.

We'll let you be available, sir.

Always, because it's never the time. Oh, fabulous, sir. But you know what it is

time for? Oh, boy, oh, boy. It's time for Screaming at the TV.

Let's see what's on the TV today.

We have an unkind leader. Whether you vote for him or not, whether you support

him or not, most people will agree Donald Trump is not a kind man.

He's a mean man. He's crude.

What? I'm not mean, you four -eyed beaker Muppet Matthew Perry wannabe.

You're so low energy, you make Jeff Bush look like Guy Fieri.

And crude? I got you crude right here.

Mother Mia, please, sir. Please.

I want to see a show that treats this whole tragedy with dignity and respect.

There's an old saying.

that the show must go on, and it will.

But first, all of us at Dancing with the Stars want to send our love, thoughts,

and prayers to everyone touched by the senseless violence in Las Vegas.

Please know that we are doing tonight's show with you foremost in our minds and

hearts.

Sir, sir, what's the problem? Those guys were kneeling during the national

anthem, Mike.

No, no, sir.

Everybody Dance Now is not the national anthem. I know what I saw.

Tom Bergeron was talking all somber. Those hip -hop guys taking a knee, not

okay. And we can't just let everybody dance now. We need extreme vetting.

See and see more TV facts.

A source close to this White House told me today that the president's delayed

reaction to the crisis in Puerto Rico was a combination of the president's

waning interest in hurricane response after Hurricanes Harvey and Irma and a

general disregard for that which takes place off the mainland.

No way!

How dare you say I'm losing interest in whatever it was you said!

Oh, sir!

What?

Sir, he was talking about the hurricane in Puerto Rico. Still? Why? I did a

great job down there.

Everywhere I went, the people in the streets were chanting the Donald in

Spanish. El Diablo.

El Diablo. No, sir, that is not what you think it means. Yo, Cucaracho, more TV.

Teller, sir, stunned a handful of administration officials when he

referred to the president as a moron after a meeting at the Pentagon.

He's the moron. Only a moron would still be working for my administration.

And besides, could a moron juggle three open cans of Pringles? What are you

going to do? See?

No, sir.

Jesus, Mike, look at this mess.

What did you do?

What did I do? I did what I always do, sir. I sat by your side and tacitly

endorsed everything.

Well, we have to clean it up.

Wait a minute. No, we don't.

You people.

You, the American people, you clean up my messes. Here we go. Take some paper

towels. Here we go. This is presidential. We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

With everything that's going on, I wanted to look like a good person. So I

with a group of veterans. Take a look.

Okay.

Thank you so much for all of your service.

As you know, I'm the commander in chief.

And so I promise to ban trans.

and bring the military back to what it used to be. And that's a promise.

I've got your back.

Actually, sir, we're all trans veterans.

What? Are you kidding me? You're trans veterans?

I am not a trans veteran. Yeah, there you go. This guy knows.

No, he don't. This guy knows.

No, he don't. Sir, I think there's some things that you don't understand.

I have no military experience whatsoever, which is why I want to

on why you're wrong.

The American military has always been filled with brave men.

Then we added women, ugh, and the gays, and now the trans.

And it's all falling apart.

First off, we need to ban the trans because it's costing so much money. Sir,

defense budget is $700 million.

Trans health care costs only between $1 .4 and $4 million annually for the

actually serving 15 ,000 estimated people.

But that's a lot of money. You know, sir, your Viagra costs eight times as

as it costs for the health care for the transgender veterans.

I don't use it.

Who told you that? What are you talking about?

What are you saying?

Our enemies are at the gates.

North Korea, Iran, the press, Nambia, Narnia,

Mordor. They're all out to get us. If you're willing to switch your gender,

says you're not willing to switch sides?

Sir, this is beyond the pale. I did four deployments with the Navy, one with the

Coast Guard.

Are you calling me a traitor?

No. I spent 17 years serving in the military and earned a Purple Heart

that time. Do you think you're going to question my integrity for our country?

No. I did two combat tours to Iraq and one to Afghanistan.

Duh. We take an oath that says we swear to protect and defend the people of the

United States, sir.

Stop ganging up on me, guy.

You get it, right?

No.

Definitely don't get it, sir. I served four years in the Marine Corps infantry

with a combat tour to Afghanistan.

I may not be trans.

However, I support the trans veterans next to me, and I definitely do not

support your ban on trans service members.

Whoa. I put myself in harm's way so others don't have to. I chose to serve.

What did you serve?

I'm serving now. I'm the head of the military. I'm the toughest soldier. I

run around.

I can fight the mud and grab the rope.

Why are they laughing about the rope?

Wait a minute. They're laughing at me?

But I'm the top dog.

The big man.

I'll prove it to them.

Out in the trenches.

Welcome to hell.

me. Raise your voice!

Louder! Louder!

Let's go faster!

Faster! Let's go!

Get under the wire!

On the wire! I never watched the wire!

How are they so good at this?

What are you doing?

Get on the wall!

Lay down!

Get on your feet!

You're on the back! This is a great wall.

This is one of the great walls.

because your teammate here obviously does not have what it takes while these

trans soldiers and sailors and marines have managed it just fine. Man, it's

embarrassing, isn't it? It's pretty freaking embarrassing, isn't it?

muds up my butthole.

Isn't that funny?

I got a mud butt and there ain't nothing I can do about it.

I taught those soldiers so much and I thank me for my service.

We'll be right back.

My guest tonight is the founder and CEO of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of

America. Please welcome Paul Rykoff, everyone.

Now we're both in the military.

You served and I'm the president. So we're like two soldiers just hanging out

with the canteen.

talking, smoking some Luckys.

So therefore, we can talk soldier to soldier.

What does it mean to have generals running the White House? Because it's

happening whether we want it to or not.

You know, when generals are at their best, they can represent competency and

experience and an understanding of the military.

It's unprecedented.

We've never had this many in these positions of authority, but I'm hopeful

they can make a difference. I think everybody's hopeful they can make a

difference. Do you know General Mills?

I was very familiar with him when I was younger. Yeah, we want to try to get him

in there. Okay.

If you have so many generals who are in the Oval Office, Is that almost a

stopgap measure against the idea of a radical civilian control of the White

House that could put the military at odds with the federal government?

Wow, maybe.

Fun follow -up, huh?

Well, it's important that we have civilian control of the military. And

military ultimately works for the American people. And we're accountable

American people. And we're not the president's military. We're America's

military. I'm the American.

After putting very little thought into it, I banned transgender people from the

military by tweeting about it. So what do you think about the ban?

Tremendous or fantastic?

Absolutely wrong. Un -American.

Equality and freedom.

Equality and freedom are fundamental American values.

And it's not just about... you know, veterans or folks who've gotten out.

got trans troops in active duty in harm's way right now. Right. So what

message is it sent to them and the troops that are serving around them?

incredibly disruptive to the military.

Cohesion. No, it's actually going to hurt cohesion because we've got trans

troops overseas right now. Okay. In Iraq and Afghanistan. Where? They need to be

protected.

If you don't know, that worries me. They deserve to serve. They have a right to

serve. They're serving honorably. We have plenty of other things we need to

But wait a minute.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Everybody misunderstands me, Paul.

Yes, sir. I'm giving him a pass.

I'm saying get out. I didn't want to do it. That's why I made up the bone spurs.

Who could have that many bone spurs? What am I, a pterodactyl?

But the point being, I'm trying to protect them.

Yes.

Now, let's talk about freedom of speech.

Great. You support the football players, these football players, who are

kneeling during the national anthem, yet you say you won't kneel yourself.

How is it possible for you to support something but not do it?

Okay? That's not entirely correct.

That might be some fake news.

What it actually is, I support free speech. Right. I think most Americans

support free speech. Veterans don't all agree on this issue. Right.

Veterans don't all agree on this issue, okay, but they agree that free speech is

something that must be protected. Even if you don't like that they're taking a

knee, they have a right to do it. That's what we fought for, that freedom of

speech, that freedom of expression, and it must be protected from everyone,

including the commander -in -chief. So I'm not going to kneel. That's my

But if Kaepernick or someone else wants to kneel, that's their choice, and

that's part of America. That's freedom.

Kaepernick.

Kaepernick. No, Kaepernick.

People being unfair to me about hurricane recovery.

I mean, you were in the military.

It's hard to help people, right?

Especially when there's this island with all this water around it. How is the

military equipped to go across water?

The military is very well equipped. The Navy is well equipped. The entire

military is very well equipped. If we can find Osama bin Laden, we can get

and food to people in crisis.

The military has tremendous capability.

And we can be a global force for good, as the ad says.

And it's an important part of our diplomacy. Our veterans are a great

representation. Our military is a great representation. And they can definitely

make a difference if they're given the opportunity.

We found Osama bin Laden.

Ladies and gentlemen, today I'm proud to announce that we caught Osama bin

Laden.

The long nightmare is over. And I did it.

Oh, my God, everybody.

What a great tragedy show. I did it all.

Somber, solemn, so heartfelt.

Wow.

But we have yet to answer the most important question.

Why? Why do these shootings keep happening?

All right, that's it.

Because America's response to a tragedy like this is semi -automatic.

After every mass shooting, cable news rakes in the viewers by putting the

gruesome footage on repeat.

Americans keep buying more guns. Gun manufacturer stocks go up. The NRA

continues to flood my Republican brothers in arms with money.

And in return, Congress offers nothing but meaningless thoughts.

and empty prayers.

Then cable news exploits it all again, and everyone tunes in.

And that worked for me.

Violence is practically my brand.

I'm the one who asked for Second Amendment people to take care of

I joked about shooting a man on Fifth Avenue. I accepted $30 million from the

NRA for my campaign.

I can't renounce violence.

I love violence.

I am violence.

Maybe in the future, we'll have a chance to break free from this cycle.

But if you're sick of asking why and want to know when, now is not the time.