Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

Thank you.

First, I want to comment on the passing of one of my own personal heroes,

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. That guy was my kind of feminist. A man who loved

boobs so much.

I'll see you in pervert heaven, which is regular people hell.

Can you tell us any more details about your tax plan? My tax plan is to never

pay taxes.

Oh, you mean the government one.

No, I'm not going to read that.

Why can't your party pass a health care bill?

Because football players national anthem kneeling.

Where's the outrage?

You didn't answer the question. Excuse me.

Pointing out that I didn't answer the question is disrespectful to our flag.

I mean, look at her.

Isn't she beautiful?

Somebody's star.

If she wasn't my flag, I'd be dating her.

And that's why tonight's theme is flag.

Isn't it hypocritical for Jared and Ivanka to use personal email for

business when you criticize Hillary Clinton?

Oh, say can you see by the lawn's

pearly white.

Are you singing the national anthem to avoid answering the question? What so

loudly we wail and the ramparts,

ramparting.

Quiet, honey. If words mattered, I wouldn't be president right now.

And the rocket's red bears are proof

in the night that the bad...

Can you at least tell us why it took you so long to send help to Puerto Rico?

You can't ask me about another country when I'm singing the American anthem.

Puerto Ricans are American citizens. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

journalist Frank Rich.

But first, he's a wad of dried -up gum stuck to the bottom of a pizzeria table.

Mike Pence! Oh, thank you, sir.

That's a more vicious burn than usual, sir. Are you still upset that Roy Moore

won the Senate primary in Alabama?

He's an evangelical Christian weirdo, Mike.

Well, sir, not all evangelicals are weird. Some of them are pretty cool.

Okay, well...

This guy's not.

He wants a statue of the Ten Commandments in every government

Oh, me too.

And not only that, this nutjob thinks 9 -11 was caused by sodomy. Oh, that

totally explains it. I saw a Muslim cheering during 9 -11, but no butt

He's a total Jesus freak who wants to turn the whole country into one big

church. Oh, cheese and crackers.

When does he get to Washington?

Mike!

You got me.

I am pretty out there.

You know, Mike, this was such a busy week. It was really hard to keep up with

all the things that went wrong.

I mean, things I can't be blamed for.

It's just too much for one desk piece.

That's why it's time for Desk Piece Roundup.

I feel like a late night segment should be between one man and one desk piece.

You're such a prude, Mike. I like to play the field.

Desk piece number one.

Focus. Pocus.

In this desk piece, we focus on the things I like and we pocus on the things

don't like. You ready, Mike?

Well, never, sir. Okay.

Focus. Puerto Rico.

The island was hit by a devastating hurricane, and I just learned in the

conference that it's part of the United States.

So now I'm sending relief ships. Plus, I'm going there on Tuesday, and I need a

working toilet.

Poker.

Celebrities who showed me up by sending help to Puerto Rico before I did. J -Lo

gave a million dollars to a disaster.

Who does she think she is, my dad?

Plus... Low -energy Lin -Manuel Miranda is telling everyone to donate money to a

charity. Big whoop.

Directing people to a website doesn't make you a hero. It's easy. You can

right here.

See? Now I'm the hero. Take that, Hamilton.

Well, sir, you just said that it doesn't make you a hero.

Wow. Big surprise, Mike. I'm inconsistent.

It's time for Family Recipe Box.

Okay.

In this test piece, I share my old family recipes for success.

Who's hungry?

Ooh, ooh, me.

Yummy, yummy.

Mike, let's say you want a no -must, no -fuss way to take America's attention

off police brutality and instead argue about patriotism. Well, it's easy.

Start off with one angry rally.

Add a dash of military pandering. Then fold in 140 characters of incendiary

treats. Now that's a spicy etouille ball.

Next, add a quarter cup of thinly veiled racism.

Oh, wait. Sorry.

That should be a quart and a cup of overt racism.

Oh, gosh, sir. Then...

Stir up your base really, really well so nobody remembers how the whole thing

started. Voila!

Chaos!

Boner appetite.

Wow, that's, uh... That was quite the recipe, sir.

Thanks. I made a big mess, but hey, I don't have to clean it up. Great. Well,

uh, is that it, sir? Are we all finished now? I don't think so.

Which brings me to my even newer recipe.

I don't think so.

This is where I read a story and then I say, I don't think so.

The court said my travel ban was illegal because it targeted Muslims.

Well, hey, courts, I don't think so.

Oh, God. I just banned a bunch of new countries that aren't even Muslim.

Sorry, Venezuela, you're a failing dictatorship, and I only respect working

dictatorships. I don't think so.

Oh, my gosh. And Chad is one of our most important Muslim

allies. But tuck titties, Chad. I don't get along with Muslims or our allies.

So, Chad, I don't think so.

I don't hear anything.

And the whole world is worried my impulsive tweet will get us into a

with North Korea. And to that I say, maybe.

Wait, what? I'll tell you later, Mike.

We'll be right back.

No.

Bye. When I came to Washington, I knew I'd have political enemies, but I had no

idea the things they would do to kick me out of office.

This week, I went to go confront one of them. Take a look.

Still ahead on this Monday, Democrats are ramping up their calls to impeach

President Trump. Let's go.

They're trying to impeach me.

Democratic Congressman Brad Sherman has filed an article of impeachment.

Sherman, nobody impeaches me.

I think we're going to be hearing the word impeachment a lot more often.

Wow. Unbelievable.

Sherman! You know Congressman Sherman?

He's a white guy. He's kind of a loser. Help me.

I don't want to get impeached.

Sheila?

Is Sheila Jackson Lee here?

People want to impeach me. You realize that?

Why? Probably because you're a racist.

Yeah, but besides that, where is Sherman?

Sherman?

Sherman!

How's that guy?

Oh, there he is.

Sherman? Where's Sherman? Your president? Yeah, I don't care.

Hello? Sherman?

You're going to impeach me?

Let me tell you something. I'm going to impeach you.

I'm going to make you feel like Jeff Sessions fell into a puddle. You

me? You think you're tough? You're fired.

Mr. President, you can't fire a member of Congress.

That's stupid.

Sit down. Let's talk.

Okay.

Mr. President.

Would you get that a yard sale?

No, that probably goes back 100 years here in the House of Representatives.

Toll?

Junk. Okay.

Well, Mr. President, first, I'd like to serve these papers on you. Wow, thank

you. Usually you don't do that in person. It's been referred to the

Committee. And if the whole House votes in favor of those articles, you will be

tried in the Senate for high crimes and misdemeanors.

I can fire Meatloaf, but I can't fire this guy?

Gotta find another way out of this.

I'll make a deal with you. I'm one of the great deal makers.

So what do you want?

All I want is this letter of resignation.

How's this? What if I give you a cool name, like the Bradster?

Sure, man.

Hey, sure, man.

Instead of Sherman.

How about like Brad Lee Whitford?

If we could terminate your presidency.

then I might be known as the Shermanator.

The Shermanator.

That's a weird nickname to give yourself.

I might be known as the Shermanator.

Now, the crime in this case is obstruction of justice.

Fake news.

It's illegal.

No way.

To use threats or intimidation with the intent to thwart a federal criminal

investigation. Oh, big deal.

Remember back in February?

No. You had dinner with James Comey. Oh, God, that guy?

You told him to go easy on Flynn. Let it go.

That's a violation of law that you tried to curtail that investigation.

How does he know that?

Oh, right, because I totally did it.

In May, you fired James Comey, and then you said you did it to thwart the Russia

investigations.

Oh, yeah.

That's the thing I said on TV in front of everybody.

Then you remember in July you were up there with the New York Times?

No. And you threatened Mueller with being fired if he looked at your

finances. That's three different threats.

That's obstruction of justice.

This guy's relentless.

He's like a machine.

Mr.

President, look at the Watergate example.

Uh -huh.

About a year after the burglary at Watergate was discovered.

Whoa, wait a minute. There was a cyber burglary?

No, the cyber burglary happened in 2016.

Wait, cyber burglary? The?

The cyber burglary. It all makes sense now.

Are you like a time cop?

Are you traveling through time, impeaching different presidents?

That probably goes back 100 years here in the House of Representatives.

Brad Sherman.

Time and picture.

A man who runs for office at different times, working towards taking out

presidents to affect their children.

That's fairly silly.

I'm still working it out.

Mr. President, before you came here, I was worried about our country.

Now, I'm...

Very, very worried.

There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.

Which means I have no choice but to send a super ripped robot version of myself

back to 2017.

It's my only chance of escaping my impeachment by... The Shermanators.

That was my actual

real body.

We'll be right back.

I'll sell it to you. My guest tonight is writer at large for New York Magazine

and executive producer of HBO's Veep. Please welcome Frank Rich.

Thank you. Now, you're an executive producer on Veep.

Is my presidency even too implausible for narrative television?

Yes. It's way too implausible. In fact, every time you do something, we have to

run in the other direction.

You're a farce unlike anything in the history of entertainment.

Thank you. I love dinner theater.

Is there a danger that liberals are spending too much time focusing on

I think it's a real story and there's probably criminality, but the truth is

don't really know what Mueller is finding. There are these leaks and these

stories in the Times and the Post, but Mueller doesn't leak, so it could be

worse than we imagined.

I leak.

I love that the media is so desperate to make me look reasonable and moderate.

You know what I mean? Well, it is kind of ridiculous.

I mean, you bomb Syria and people say, tonight you became a president.

I did. Or you deliver a speech from a teleprompter and don't make too many

mistakes. You're presidential. Suddenly you're like Roosevelt.

That's right, except I can walk.

I'm sorry.

I don't like presidents who can't walk the same way.

I don't like people who were captured in war.

Uh, that's something I said.

Why do liberals glom onto every little thing to make it seem as if it's the end

for me? You know what I mean? It's like, I failed to repeal Obamacare. I

overturned, they overturned the travel ban.

Big Luther's strange.

Gets weird and strange and losing.

You were going to be out after you insulted the heroism of John McCain.

That's right. I just did it again, too.

Exactly. After imitating and making fun of a disabled reporter, that was going

to do you in. Yeah, that was fun. The Billy Bush tape was going to do you in.

Oh, man, that was great. Billy and I had a lot of fun. You got into a fight with

the Pope.

Yeah. I should have punched that beanie off his head.

Now, Democrats are united right now around a common enemy, which is me.

And the media may portray the Democrats as not having it together, but it's

really the Republicans that are having all the failures right now. So who's

winning and who's losing? And that's the only way I understand anything.

Look, I think everyone's losing. The Republican Party is very divided, but

truth is you've taken it over. I mean, I happen to believe Mitch McConnell and

Paul Ryan.

You've beaten them. Oh, yeah. You've beaten them, and you have the power with

minority of the country, but it's the base of the Republican Party, and you

remain popular among Republicans. The Democrats are...

in disarray after a loss that no one anticipated.

But we'll see. There's time for them to try to get their act together.

No way.

Are you kidding me? Well, they are Democrats.

They stink.

Just like Veep, there's got to be a theory finale to this presidency.

You're so smart. So tell me, how does this all end?

I think it ends with you wanting to escape.

criminal culpability or at least possibly wanting your son -in -law to

and you decide you better make a deal while the getting is good and you have a

huge prime time speech written by Steve Bannon in which you say you're all the

swamp and I'm going to go outside Washington and fight the swamp.

From here, from Mar -a -Lago.

From Mar -a -Lago. Isn't it so beautiful, Mar -a -Lago? Oh, it's so

we already have the plan in effect.

Jared is already registered as a woman in New York.

It's part of our cover.

Frank Rich, everybody!

That was so great. That was so good.

Get up, man.

That was great. Thank you. That was great.

What a super show. And I'm a superhero.

Every superhero has an origin story.

I emerged from the ashes of the Republican Party and injected myself

super serum. The radioactive white resentment the GOP has been

years. And with great power comes great hostility.

I possess the strength to shift even the heaviest blame onto anyone but myself.

The uncanny ability to create nightmares for people called dreamers. And the

gift to divide the nation with a single tweet.

All while hiding behind my magic shield.

My weaknesses? I have none.

Except accurate reporting and being photographed in tennis shorts.

whatever you want. The great white deflector, the star -spangled scammer,

incredible bulk.

But I prefer the name that strikes fear into the hearts of almost 70 % of

Americans. Mr.

President.

And with the support of my trusty sidekick and pale enabler.

Oh, uh, Mike Penn. Jesus, Mike.

Oh, I like that name better. Jesus, Mike.

With his help, I will continue to fight truth, justice, and the American

way.

Bye -bye!