Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final president of the United States.

Thank you, thank you.

What an incredible turnout.

First, let me just say, when you look at the tragic events in Houston, and you

look into the faces of these people who have lost everything, I think we can all

agree. This has been my best week yet.

I mean, look at me.

I get to talk on a truck.

Sir, we can see that's not a real truck. Yeah, that's right, dummy. It's a fire

truck. And I got my raincoat and my hat.

Isn't it cool?

I look like I'm helping.

How can you congratulate yourself at a time like this? I'm not congratulating

myself.

We're not going to do that until this is all over and cleaned up in two, three

days max.

I want to ask you about North Korea. You tweeted that talking is not the answer.

So what is? I don't know the answer, but I do know the question.

And that question is, what is the answer?

What does that mean? Are you kidding? Exactly.

Next question.

Okay, do you support your party's idea to cut $1 billion from disaster funds to

pay for your border wall? Of course. The wall would have prevented this entire

thing. I mean, where did Harvey come from? The Gulf of where?

Where?

Mexico. You said it, not me.

It's an illegal storm.

They're sending their worst winds, their hardest rains.

There's some bad storm brain.

This is not real. You can't be mean to me. I'm wearing my raincoat.

I'm a storm time president.

I'm steering the ship. I'm leading the truck.

And that's why tonight's theme is leader truck.

I mean, leadership.

Dude, dude, honk, honk. I'm the president. Can you relieve it? Let's

Welcome to the show.

Later, I'll be talking to progressive activist and former Bernie Sanders

surrogate, Nina Turner.

But now, he's the leftover water in a bag of mozzarella.

My thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you so much, sir. But I have to say, I don't eat foreign cheese.

I notice you are wearing that hat that you've been wearing all week long. Oh.

This hat? Yeah.

You mean the one that's available for purchase on my website?

I used the exposure I got from a natural disaster to promote my campaign

merchandise. Can you believe that I actually did that? Yes.

That is shameless leadership, sir.

What a kiss -ass. Mike Pence, everyone. Thank you, sir. Here you go, Mike.

Folks.

If you really want to help get something done, make sure to go to my website and

buy a hat for $40.

And don't go to sites like the Houston Food Bank, one of the few big banks not

represented in my cabinet.

That's right. Or the Hurricane Harvey Relief Fund. All they do is provide much

-needed services to those affected by the storm.

Big whoop. I bet they don't even have hats. Well, I'm sure they don't have

sir. And neither does DonorsChoose. Hey, DonorsChoose, I choose the one with the

hat.

Smart move, sir.

I'm glad no one is donating large amounts of money to these charities

I mean right now.

Now get them out of here.

Good, good, sir.

You know, sir, I have been so impressed this week with the acts of bravery and

self -sacrifice by average Americans.

Thanks, Mike, but I'm not average.

Well, let me prove it to you in tonight's test piece. It's time for Good

Samaritan, Great American.

Here's our first Good Samaritan. This picture of a Harris County deputy

that has gone viral.

Deputy Robert Gerlitz is sleeping against his desk after working around

clock. Truly impressive, don't you think, sir? That sheriff's deputy seems

a real good Samaritan. But you want to meet a great American? Sure. Me!

I rescue the sheriff, Sheriff Joe Arpaio.

I rescued him from the horrors of Maricopa County prison system. I mean,

you seen those places?

They had people sleeping outside in 130 degree weather, working on chain gangs

and being denied their basic human rights.

Whoever was in charge there should be put in jail.

And you know, Mike, I didn't have to pardon them. Isn't that right? That's

right, sir. You really went below and beyond the call of duty.

Cool, man.

Cool. Yes. Our next Good Samaritan is actually a group of brave volunteers.

The non -profit Team Rubicon organizes military veterans to aid in disaster

relief. The organization is working to deploy assistance in the wake of the

storm Harvey. So proud of our military. If you're proud of them, you'll

definitely be proud of our next great American.

Me!

I signed an order last week banning transgender soldiers from joining the

military. They volunteered to serve their country, and I volunteered

to not let them. Where's my purple heart?

Oh, right. It's here, surrounded by chicken fat.

Do another one. Oh, of course, sir. Good Samaritan, Barack Obama.

What? Come on, Mike. It's not Good Samaritan, Great Kenyan. No, sir,

Sir, let me finish. You know you're just going to be the great American at the

end of it. Who, me?

As I was saying, good Samaritan Barack Obama for tweeting a thank you to first

responders and letting people know how to help in the relief effort. I got to

admit it, sir, that's pretty classy. Well, here's my first response to that.

Ugh.

I found inspiration this week in the actions of someone you might not expect.

Oh, really, sir? Who's that?

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

I went on Twitter in the buildup to the hurricane and reassured anxious citizens

by telling them that Mexico is dangerous, NAFTA is terrible, and great

great guy, highly recommended.

That. how you use Twitter, Mike, to antagonize your allies and move some

Let's keep this going. This is fun.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Good Samaritan. Dallas area companies, they're donating everything from diapers

to airline tickets in order to help in the relief effort.

It's good to see the business community chipping in. Oh, yeah, sure. Whatever

you said.

I've got...

Another great American for you, Mike. Yes, of course, sir. I know. Probably

greatest one yet. I think we know who it's going to be. This one is a total

shocker. Is it going to be you? You're never going to believe who it is. I

it's going to be you, sir.

It's me, me, me, me, me, me, me,

me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm just kidding.

No, no, no. Meet me.

Thanks, Mike. We'll be right back.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

General Kelly said I needed to act more leader. like, whatever that

means. So I met with some etiquette experts to prove him wrong.

Hello.

This is Patricia Napier Fitzpatrick. How are you, Patricia? Nice to see you.

Look at you. What a honey bunny, huh?

All right, what are we doing?

We are going to cover a few social graces, if you don't mind.

I mind all of this.

Handshakes are appropriate for most senior government officials.

It's always best to let them take the initiative in extending the hand for a

shake. And then you touch, look, first you touch here, and then you go, wait,

wait, wait, and one, no, no, no, no, one, no.

You be Kim Jong -un. All right.

Okay. Don't I go like this and then go, ow!

No, no.

So you're going to face, heart to heart, belly button to belly button.

Now

you're

Putin.

Hey, Blair, how are you? I love you. I love you so much.

No, I don't think so.

So let's talk about your appearance, all right? Your white shirts are perfect.

Your navy boots are perfect. Pure white. Your red power color. The white race.

So I would recommend you button your top button.

Well, that's not right.

Perfect. No, the top button and the top hole.

I always put it in the wrong hole.

Now, let's look in the mirror. Look how much nicer that looks.

Who's that weird guy? What a great impression you make when you're jacked.

at that. Who's this guy?

And then when you sit down... Who is that guy?

Who is that?

What's happening?

Who is he?

Sir, that's you.

If it's you, it's going to be okay. It's you in the mirror.

Oh, that's perfect. Look at me. All right, I just want to make one

recommendation. The tie should come to the middle of your belt buckle.

Why is everybody not going to know where the party is? Well, I think they'll

know because you've told them many times.

Please, give me a break.

Who is that?

Just try and focus. You're the president.

Excuse me.

Shall we dine?

Did you find South Africa on this map?

Everybody knows that.

Oh, man.

The napkin. You fold it in half.

And the open part goes toward the table. What am I?

What am I? I'm my dad at his meetings.

Mr. President. Right.

Are you going to embarrass the United States by not knowing how to handle

things? No, I'm going to embarrass the United States by sidling up to neo

-Nazis.

All right. Good for you.

So, find South Africa, please.

Okay. It was South.

Is it this?

No. What is that?

That's the logo on the globe.

Waiter, get over here, you idiot. Human garbage. Mr. President, we call the wait

staff a little finger up.

Mr. President.

How about this?

Like this?

Just a simple hand gesture.

What about, do we want saluting?

No, not this.

Can I go?

No.

That's all sides.

Black power.

The same.

All sides.

Let's practice what we learned.

Okay. You see?

And then you're ruining the steak with ketchup.

Ruin it.

All right. This is... Sir.

That's good.

Whoa!

Who's that?

There's a ghost in here.

And he's filled with hate.

And he said,

find a way to destroy as many people as possible.

I hate the man in the mirror.

Because he knows my secrets.

I have a recommendation.

Right? Get rid of the mirrors.

Get rid of the mirrors.

How did you get in there?

Paul! Yes, sir?

No!

No! Get out of my mind!

No!

You.

I understand.

Yes, master.

Whatever you want, master.

Total waste of time. Didn't learn a thing.

We'll be right back.

the president of Our Revolution, an organization which continues to fight

the progressive platform.

Please welcome Nina Turner.

I won.

Nina, what is Our Revolution? Because I want nothing to do with it.

But we want nothing to do with you either, Mr.

President. Wow.

No, it is a progressive grassroots fueling the grassroots all across this

country, local, state, federal, empowering people, giving the people

power. Okay. That's what we do.

Wow.

It's really important, especially in light of your presidency, especially,

we remind people that the power is actually theirs and that they can decide

represents them on the local levels of government, the state levels of

government, and also the federal levels of government. And 2020 is coming,

President. Yeah, I know. I know how the calendar works.

Can the Democrats become the party of the working class again?

And when I say working class...

I mean white people. I hope you mean the mosaic of humanity because that's

exactly what is going to take the rainbow coalition.

And we rise or fall together, Mr. President. And that's something that you

to have forgotten as your campaign pitted people against one another.

The only way you make America great again is making it great with everybody

not picking and choosing who makes the country great. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I agree with you in the sense that I passed out and don't know what you just

said.

Now that we're done talking about the Democrats, aren't I doing a great job

the hurricane?

You know, I heard a rumor. I was watching your favorite news station,

And I heard a rumor that you were going to donate one million dollars.

To the cause. And I'm just wondering, was that done because Ellen has done it

and other superstars? Or did you kind of think of that on your own? Ellen? No

way. I don't do what Ellen does. Yes. Except for dancing.

A million dollars. Are you really going to do it? I owe a guy named Harvey

money. And I'm paying him a million dollars.

And everyone got it wrong.

But no. The truth is, I'm donating.

millions of dollars of other people's money that I won't even really donate

because I just said it offhandedly because it sounded good in the moment

ultimately I'll backtrack and then I'll say I did it and no one will care

because the media doesn't pay attention and has the memory of a fruit fly.

Now, I'm such a juggernaut. So what kind of media star... In your own mind. Oh,

I'm a total juggernaut. In your own mind.

I want to go to space.

In your mind.

What kind of media star are the Democrats looking for in 2020?

We don't need a media star.

We need somebody with authenticity and integrity.

Good luck. And I got somebody like that. Matter of fact, he's higher in the

polls right now than you are. Who's that?

His name is Senator Bernie Sanders.

Wow. Wow.

Wow.

That's... But that's Bernie. I'm Bernie. Right now, you're not. I'm Bernie.

We're the same.

You're not the same. Bernie and I are the same, like Joker and Batman.

Not at all. We're not the same. I made him and he made me. Like night and day.

We have the same followers. Like night and day. We have the same likes and

dislikes. We do not have the same followers. He has conscious -minded

following him. I don't know who's following you.

Wow. And he believes that the power should be in the hands of the people.

You want to hoard all the power for yourself. Mr. President, you're selfish

self -absorbed. I mean, you really are. You got to get a grip.

Did I do a good job faking emotion?

You've convinced me that our revolution is my revolution because I haven't been

paying attention.

Obviously.

So I want to give you an incredible gift.

I have a gift for you, though. Wow, really?

Yeah, because I want you to know how to make America great again.

Cool. See this, Mr. President? Make American Union again is how you make

great again.

There it is.

Lift wages, lift people, lift families.

That's it. Are you going to wear that?

I'll put a hat on a hat.

Make America Union again, yeah.

Union. The union guy just departed, I think.

I got you this incredible Trump made in the USA hat that's $40 on my website.

Because my grandmother taught me not to be rude. I'm going to take it, but, you

know, rainbow mosaic makes America great again. Oh, that says UTSA.

UTSA. UTSA make America great again.

Nina Turner, everybody!

What a great show.

The experts are calling it a once in a thousand years event. So true.

Harvey took a lot from us. So much that for a week we even lost our partisan

bickering and racial divisiveness.

And of course, we lost our national obsession with me.

And that one hurt.

It hurt bad.

This was my worst week yet. And let's face it, I'm old and in the way.

The heroes are all down there in the water.

Harvey united the country in a way I never could and never will.

He brought out the best in people just as surely as I bring out the worst.

The flood is more than just water.

It's also a flood of goodwill, civic pride, and recognition that life is

So we all must take care of one another.

And that's a storm I can't weather.

So I'm doing what any flood victim would do.

Heading for higher ground.