Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the second president of the Confederate

States of America.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm going to get mean and divisive in a few minutes. But first, I want to take a

moment to acknowledge the tragic victim of the event.

In Charlottesville.

Me!

You are not the victim of Charlottesville. You barely even

group. Excuse me. Excuse me. Let me finish.

Because I am now going to denounce the worst hate group of them all.

The press.

I hate you. So you're a hate group with your stupid glasses. Okay, you're

calling the press a hate group when you side with white supremacists? I don't

side with white supremacists, honey.

I don't see color. I can't.

Because on Monday, I stared directly into the sky.

I can't understand the question. Go.

That's not how it works. You can't do that. What are you talking about?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Look,

there they go. They're turning the cameras off because they don't want you

see this.

No, we're not. The cameras are on. They're your cameras. No, no, no.

Look at me.

Whatever camera you're watching me on right now has been turned off.

Why can't you just tell people the truth? Don't question me. You people

be civil.

That's why tonight's theme is civility.

We need to return to the gentile ways of our southern whatever.

Who cares? You know, I don't care. This is ridiculous.

Here's what I mean. I'm only talking to white people. And if you think about it

that way, I kind of make sense.

We might be battling, but please, let's keep our war civil.

A civil war.

I'm the president. Can you succeed it? Let's roll.

There we are.

Welcome to the show.

Later on, I'll be speaking to activist DeRay McKesson.

With me, as always, is the damp towel on the bathroom floor, Mike Pence.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir. I take that as a compliment. I appreciate it. Why are you

happy? Well, because you fired Steve Bannon, and now I can finally go back to

being your only sidekick. Oh, yeah. That reminds me. I invited Steve to come

over. No.

No. Please. No.

No. No.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

No.

Wow.

What are you doing?

Happy New Year!

Wow!

Shouldn't you be at your job at Breitbart?

Eh, blacks do crime. Hillary is a piece of pen and the thing writes itself.

Sit down, Steve.

You want a water?

I never touch this stuff.

Why are you back?

There was a murder at my favorite Denny's.

Nice. Hey, that brings us to our desk piece. It's time for nice, not nice.

Two for not nice.

What?

Nice miniskirt.

In order to convince me to stay at war, General McMaster had to show me an old

photo of hot Afghan women in miniskirts.

Cali, damn!

Not nice.

Mini fridges.

Mini fridges have problems on many sides.

On many sides.

You have to bend down to use them, the freezer always ices up, and the shelves

are too short for my KFC bucket.

And the bucket's the best part.

But show me a mini fridge and a mini skirt and fridgie.

Damn!

Super not nice.

Life. They pet their small children at summer camp and that's my job. Okay,

Steve. Stay on topic.

Why? You can't fire me. I queef.

Language. English. That's my favorite one. I know it by heart. Moving on.

Nice.

Thatches. The single best way to preserve our precious, precious history.

Not nice.

History. It's old.

It's books.

And I wasn't there, so who cares?

Besides, people always say if you don't learn it, it just repeats itself.

So I'll catch a rerun.

Super duper not nice. The History Channel.

It's all pawn stars and American pickers. Where's Hitler? He used to be

whole channel. When I get home after a hard morning, I want to plunk down on my

bare mattress with a jug of wine and root for Hitler.

You know, when I need to unwind, Karen runs me a nice shallow bath.

That's disgusting, Mike.

I hope you drown in it like a toddler.

Nice.

Hillary Clinton.

She called me a creep for breathing down her neck during the second debate.

But I'm not a creep.

I'm in love.

I'm obsessed with her. I can't stop thinking about her. The only reason I

to see her 30 ,000 emails was because I was hoping there was one in there that

said she loved me.

Not nice.

Tears.

There's water in my eyes.

Steve, help me out!

I said I don't like water. But let me do a nice. That'll cheer you up.

You know what's nice?

Working for a white nationalist website, then working inside the White House

while you say you stopped working at that website, but you never really did.

Okay, okay, Steve. So then, you go back to that website, even though you'll

still be working for the White House. No, Steve, no, no, no, no, no. But this

time, without the shackles of a gutless deep state. Okay. Keeping me from using

my dark sex magic in my war against globalist secular moderates. He's

too intense. I am the beast in the maze. He's overheating. And the thrill

resides within me. We have to cool him down. I am another virile demon.

I'm melting.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I'm melting.

Don't worry. This happens all the time. He'll be back, and so will we!

Before the show, I promised Mike he could do something. Now, what was it?

sir, I just wanted to list all the Christian leaders who stood by you

your week condemnation of neo -Nazis. Oh, boy.

It's a long list, much longer than it should be.

Here we are. Oh, look, top of the list right there, Mike Pence. That's me.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, it's Tank.

Everybody say hi to Tank.

Whenever real life gets too difficult, Tank takes me to the land of fake

a magic place with fantastic friends who help me make sense of the world. Let's

go.

Welcome to the

land of fake belief.

Oh, no. Who's that crying?

It's me.

Your most loyal supporter.

The one you said you cared about.

I'm the forgotten manatee. Wow.

So cool.

That's a tough guy.

All right, stranger.

Bye -bye.

No way.

You promised me it was going to be America first. But now you say we're

back into Afghanistan.

One article stated President Trump's America first base was the biggest loser

Trump's speech on Afghanistan Monday night.

Biggest loser? You said I'd get tired of winning.

Besides, Afghanistan isn't in America, is it?

I don't know.

I don't know. What am I, Ameripismith Bucci?

I don't want war.

I want my obsolete job back.

Wait, who are you again? Somebody get this guy a name tag. I'm the Forgotten

Manatee. Breaking news, breaking news.

Look, everyone, it's Jeff Schmucker, the mainstream media owl.

Tonight's top story. I'm jonesing. I need another hit. I need it bad.

Be cool, man. What's the problem?

You've got everyone in the media addicted to covering you. It seemed

first. We did a few ratings bumps.

Everyone was having fun. But then soon, once a day wasn't enough. Then twice a

day felt lame. And now we need to show your old tweets just to get us to the

next commercial break. We need more.

You want more already? I hooked you up with my Tuesday rally.

Next, Trump's rally live from Phoenix.

Will the president stick to the script or talk off the cuff?

You cannot sit here and literally tell America and the world right now that

is normal. This is not normal. He was unleashed, unplugged. Pick your word to

describe it, Steph. There's no doubt about it.

Oh, unleashed.

Oh, unplugged. Oh, man, that's good.

The media are the scum of the earth, but they're great customers.

Listen, man, you got to give me some fresh crazy.

I'll do anything.

I'll fuck you.

Listen, I'll even rehire Jeffrey Lord.

Oh, gross. You're pathetic.

I'm cutting you off. You know what? Screw you, man. This is all your fault.

I beg to differ.

Wow.

That's my old friend, Scapegoat.

He's my hero.

I shield you from harmful truths and point blame at your enemies.

Watch this.

It shows you the level of out -of -control hate that is spewing, yes, from

alt -left in this country. The Antifa and the sort of angry, violent Black

Matter groups. What we're afraid of is the people that are on the extreme left.

The Antifa, the Black Lives Matter, Maoists, that sort of organization.

Dude, did you hear that?

Maoists? Well, I don't know who they are, but Maoists are the biggest problem

facing this country today.

Don't forget Black Lives Matter.

They're even worse than Nazis.

Okay. Hey, I didn't say it. The puppet said it. A group worse than Nazis?

I'll book a 12 -person panel from Twitter right now.

Oh, I can already feel the ad revenues pouring in.

I apologize for doubting you, Mr. President.

I take back what I said. Turns out I do want a war. I just want it to be in this

country. And I want it to be about race.

Well, that I can give you. And I will always defend you from those who seek to

hold you responsible for what you say and do.

Up, up, and blame away!

Wow, this really is a magical place. We'll be right back.

I'm going to do so much. I'm getting to it. Trust me. I'm getting to it. Don't

worry. By the end of my eighth term.

You're going to get an eighth term? Eighth term, yeah.

We're going to change the Constitution.

And we are?

Well, I am. You are? By dissolving the other two branches of government. I have

a great idea.

I don't think that's going to work. Let me tell you. They did it in Germany. It

worked great.

My guest tonight is national organizer and activist. He hosts a new podcast

about social justice called Pod Save the People with DeRay. Please welcome DeRay

McKesson.

Now, DeRay, I wanted to meet you and have a meaningful discussion about race

this country.

Didn't think you'd want to talk about race when I condemn violence on many

Why are people so mad at me? I mean, what's wrong with that?

Because many sides didn't come out with tiki torches and hate speech in

Charlottesville. It wasn't many sides. There was one side that came out with

hate and violence down there. When I think about the movement, the people

was in the street with, it was people who came out to call for an end to

violence. And we came out because the police were killing people.

Those people in Charlottesville came out because they wanted to harm people. And

when you say many sides, that validates them, and that's bad.

But wait a minute. First off, I'm sure a lot of them got validated because

parking was very difficult in Charlottesville.

But secondly, I'm sure there had to be some people who just happened to be

returning tiki torches that they used for a barbecue. They were nice, innocent

people. You know what's bad? When the tiki torch company had to come out and

condemn them, they condemned them stronger than you did.

What? The tiki torch company was stronger than you. The tiki torch

they'd probably ship all their jobs to Mexico.

Or to tiki land or wherever the hell they're from.

But the point being...

Let's face it.

How about this? Give me this.

There had to be some Nazis who were like, I'm not sure if I'm a Nazi, but

going to go anyway.

Aren't those nice, wonderful, good people?

There are no Nazis on the fence. This is one where you have to choose a side.

You either are for justice and equity or you're not. And you haven't

demonstrated any commitment to justice or equity. No way.

Although I have incredible equity in a lot of businesses.

Isn't it a good thing that I got elected and brought attention to white

supremacy rather than it stay hidden with dog whistle candidates like Mike?

Yeah, it was never hidden.

But what we're seeing now is that the way that you brought it out into the

public is you've actually condoned it. So it's one thing for it to be public

for us to stamp it down and make sure that it doesn't rise up. But you're

actually giving it more life and putting more people in danger. And that's not a

good thing. Isn't it kind of scary that the guy in charge of my Justice

Department is...

Like a torch guy without a torch?

I mean, Alt -Right is Breitbart, Breitbart is Bannon, Bannon is Jeff

Aren't they all the same thing?

It's bad. You know, Sessions is in his first two weeks, he took away

for trans students that he's over. He wants to overturn some of the consent

decrees that are holding police departments accountable, that he has

sexuality from being one of the questions that we're going to put on the

No, those things are bad things. I don't know. We're getting things done. The

wall. No, you haven't even appointed like half the people in the government

we need to actually keep the government running. Right. But I want to choke out

the government because the Republican Party's ideology is to destroy the U .S.

government. from within.

You were doing a good job at that, but that has a real consequence on people's

lives, Donald.

Didn't you want to be everybody's president?

No, I'm just a lonely, sad fat.

You said it, not me.

Everything that happens in this country is all about me.

So why are you so focused on me? All you can do is think about me, DeRay.

No, I'm not focused on you. The news is talking about you a lot, but we know

that there's so much else happening in this country, and we should be talking

about those things. So on the podcast I have, which maybe will come on one day,

we actually don't talk about you a whole lot because that's what you want. You

want us to talk about you all the time, and we're not going to feed your ego.

Wow, what do you talk about?

I mean, what could you possibly talk about if you're not talking about me?

I'm the coolest dude on the football field.

We talk about all the incredible activists and organizers around the

fighting for their cities and their states. We talk about the good news

happening in classrooms and schools.

Yeah, but we don't have to talk about you all the time because you're ruining

people's lives, Donald.

Good and bad.

What is the greatest misunderstanding about the black experience?

You know, there's a recent poll that came out where like 40 % of your

thought that white people were the most marginalized people in this country,

which is wild.

Right. Totally. That is wild.

I'll make it happen. And then they also thought Christians were the most

persecuted religion.

What about the lion?

What about the lion?

The Detroit lion.

Oh, the Detroit lion. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

So I think the biggest misunderstanding is that this system was designed to

disadvantage people. So we think about redlining. We think about so many other

forms of discrimination. The police, you know, there are 19 cities in the

country where you're more likely to be killed by a police officer than by a

private citizen.

That is wild.

That's wild. But let me guess. Is that true equally for white people as well as

African -Americans? No, it's disproportionately tilted towards people

White people?

Towards people of color.

Wow.

Wait a minute.

Nah. So... You should fire your entire cabinet and everybody that works in the

White House, and then you should resign.

That would be huge for people. What about this?

I'll do you one better.

If I really was a true showman, what I would do is fire everyone in my cabinet.

and like a wrestling heel, flip and become a good guy. Join with the

Party, actually advocate for Black Lives Matter and other organizations, and

basically flip the script on everybody.

And then everyone would finally love me, which is all I really want.

That'd be good.

Very good. Thank you. Good to see you.

What a historic show.

I played nice with others, proved I'm no puppet. You're the puppet!

And taught a lesson to McKesson. Look at that!

I just rewrote history before your very eyes.

And now everyone will forget what really happened.

They used to say the South would rise again.

But something even stranger rose up. Me!

An old man from Queens who still thinks the Central Park Five are guilty.

Whose dad was arrested at a Klan rally. And whose only adult hobbies are golf

and attacking the legitimacy of the first black president.

Sure, I may be an old white racist straight out of the history books.

But don't worry.

Some of us are very fine people.

Bye -bye.