Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final President of the United States.

Mr.

President, Mr. President, Mr.

President, Mr. President. You're welcome. Thank you.

Thank you.

First, let me just take a moment to insult Jeff Sessions.

Jeff. You look like a melting gap kid mannequin. Okay, Jeff? You got it?

Moving on.

How do you respond to criticism of your band of transgender people in military

service? Like this.

I'd like to introduce you to my favorite new team member, who I will eventually

betray, Anthony Scaramucci!

I love the president. I love it.

I love you. I love you. I freaking love you.

Thank you.

I'm going to fire so many people.

I don't know who it's going to be, right?

But I'm going to get to the bottom of the leakage in the White House. You hear

me, right?

There's an old Italian expression my mother used to use when somebody hurt

She'd say.

Stick the umbrella up my ass, but don't open it. Wow.

I love ethnics.

And I love President Chump.

He's the love of my life. And I love love.

I love love. I can suck my own.

Can you comment? Can you comment on the fact that only a few years ago, you

supported Democrats were pro -choice and pro -gun control?

You're talking to me or him? Because we both did that.

It's like looking in a mirror.

This guy is phenomenal.

I've seen him at Madison Square Garden in a top coat hitting foul shots.

Swish, swish, it's swish.

I've also seen him eat a live raccoon, bones and all, and he's got a Siamese

house cat. Wow.

Who is this guy? He sounds phenomenal.

It's you.

It's me?

Yes, yes, my love.

This is the new reality.

Which brings us to tonight's theme. Tell him the theme, Mooch.

Joe Paterno. What?

Scusa de mi.

The theme is reality. That's right.

Reality. I started out on reality TV, and now I'm getting you to face the

reality that Russia is good, Europe is bad, and America is a sewer full of

cesspools overflowing with carnage. It's terrible. It's terrible. I don't like

it. Correction. I love it. I love it, too. I can barely tell where you end and

start. I'm the president!

Can you believe it? Let us roll!

We've got a great one tonight. With me, as always, is dried Elmer's glue in the

shape of a man, Mike Benz. Oh, thank you.

Well,

thank you, sir.

You're stuck with me, sir.

Don't do it, Mike. But it's because of the glue. Mike, just stop. Okay.

My guest tonight is one of the Real Housewives of New York City, Carol

And Mike...

You know how I feel about the Real Housewives.

They're shallow. They're self -involved. They stab each other in the back.

I want us to be housewives, too.

Well, sir, if you can change military personnel policy with a tweet, I guess

can do whatever you want.

Cool!

I'm not a president, but I play one on TV.

Nasty taglines are for show -off. My name is Mike.

much, sir. Thanks for joining me on the couch.

Oh, God. I needed a break from the desk.

I mean, what a week. I am so stressed out. I feel crazy.

Sir, can I just say, you are not crazy.

I know. I mean, would a crazy person go to a Boy Scout jamboree and make a joke

about oranges?

I can't believe what John McCain did in the Senate. We are an important check on

the powers of the executive. We are not the president's subordinates. We are his

equal.

Wow. Just wow.

Yeah. I mean, he totally had work done, right? It's so obvious. Oh, yeah.

Completely. Right over here. Yeah. And I'm sorry, but he is not my equal. Like,

I'm up here.

And he's like down there.

Oh, totally. So you're way above a war hero like John McCain.

Mike was agreeing with me, but he wasn't agreeing with me.

I really need him to be on my side right now.

Mike's going to have to do a lot of work if he ever wants me to trust him again.

Friends are supposed to stick together no matter what. Right, Mike?

Oh, of course, sir. I really value our transactional friendship.

I mean, how many years have we known each other?

Uh, one.

That's crazy. I mean, it feels like one.

That's why it makes me so mad what Rush Limbaugh said.

It's also kind of discomforting, unseemly, for Trump to go after such a

supporter this way.

Especially when Sessions made it obvious he's not going to resign.

I'm unseemly?

Rush Limbaugh is a trash bag full of toxic medical waste that's been sitting

in the sun all week. And he's my friend.

I know, I know. You're right and he is wrong.

That whole Limbaugh thing really got Mike back in my good graces.

Thanks, Mike. I know you mean it. You know what? You might be my number one

friend in the White House. Ding dong! Hey, it's me, your number one friend in

the White House! Wow, it's the Moose!

Wow,

your own personal cocktail brand skeevy boy.

Uh, we don't drink.

Uh, we don't drink.

Mr. President, you know, I'll tell you straight.

You need this after all the Jeff drama.

Oh, God, don't even.

Jeff Sessions looks like a hero right now. He hasn't done anything. It's the

president who's embarrassing himself going after him like this.

I'm embarrassing myself?

No, I'm embarrassing him. You know what? I'm doing it again.

I'm up here and he's all the way down here. Just quit.

Somebody needs to buy Jeff a board game because he needs to get a clue.

I love Mooch.

You know, you told him he's not your friend, and now he won't even be a good

friend. Just makes me so mad.

He's not a hero. You're a hero. Yeah.

You're a hero. You know, there's an old Italian expression my mother used to

use. How many of those are there?

She'd say, he's nothing but a prodigy.

What?

What do you got, four dicks in here? It's a little heavy. Come on, Vicki,

help Teresa flip the table.

What are you talking about? This is what we do now. We'll be right back.

My approval ratings are historically low.

So I went out to talk to a focus group of real people about what they love

me. We're going to have, I think, 10 or 11 people. And we'll just hear their

views. And where do I sit? In the corner?

No, you and the vice president will actually be in the next room behind

What room?

There's nothing there. There's a mirror.

No, on this side it looks like a mirror, but on the other side you can see and

hear them. They won't be able to see or hear you. Oh, wow.

Give a little yank, you know what I mean?

Hi there. Just have a seat anywhere.

Look at this guy.

He's a real American.

Oh, there we go.

Hi, honey.

Look at that.

Perfect place.

I thank everybody for being here today. My name is Jason. The moderator looks

like a beaver.

Let's go around the room and have everybody say your name.

My name's George.

My name is Craig.

And what's your name, honey?

My name's Yoda.

Yoda. In love, I think I am.

All right, let's just start off with sort of a general question.

Can they hear us? No, they can't hear us. If we want to talk to Jason, we just

talk into this microphone.

What do you think are the most important issues facing America?

Middle America is being decimated, and it's wrong that that were brought back

into consideration. This is so boring.

Do we have any snacks or anything?

I think the biggest issue is our health.

The system's failing us. I think Yoda's married, sir.

I see a ring around her finger.

Listen, I'll tell you what I told Billy Bush.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I couldn't help myself.

I think probably the biggest issue we see today is the economy.

I know there's a story.

Sir, no, you have to rip it off.

I told you you're supposed to rip it off. Look, I got another tie, Mike. I

another tie.

Look at me, I'm a businessman.

And just as a general question, and we can do this by a show of hands.

Do you feel that the country is on the right track?

Only three.

That should have been 100%, Jason.

Wrong track?

What jerks? You're animal crackers.

What are you doing?

Why aren't you saying things like President Trump is so great?

It's my job to be neutral.

I can't be expressive. Have you had a fruit roll -up?

Give him a fruit roll -up.

Take that out.

Oh, you're going to do it. Don't do that.

This is... I mean, this is sort of a... No.

No, no. No, no.

Don't kiss.

No, no. Don't. You're gonna kiss. I can't watch. I can't watch. I can't

can't watch. I can't watch. Don't. No. Don't. Don't.

What's happening?

What's happening to you?

That's a person death.

You understand me?

I got out there.

I asked some real questions.

Okay. Um... Um...

Let me shift gears a little bit.

Do you think that he has the potential to become a great president? That

potential?

Best quality, worst quality.

What are you doing? Just the best quality.

Jason, I want you to turn to the women and say, we need to do the rest of this

topless. No, sir, we can't do that. It's shirts and skins and all the women are

the skins.

Sir, no.

Jason, please. We all got to see it. Don't look at this mirror.

Do not look at this mirror. Don't say no to me. I'm so sorry, Jason. I am the

president of the United States. I'm really sorry. We're just having a

error. Jason, eat a bunch of nuts and hold them in your mouth. No.

What the hell are you doing? I'm just going to take the top off. Get out of

here. You're making me get the hell out of here. You're fired.

Get out of here, Jason. Get out of here, Jason. I should have never kissed you.

I should have never kissed you.

I will go in. I will go in. You guys.

Hello. Hi.

Sorry about that. That was, uh, Jason had to, um, had to go.

This is how you do it, okay?

You only get the right answers.

Just overall, a question about the president is, um, How great of a job

is he doing on a scale of 7 to 11? 7 to 11.

I'm going to say 10 for President Trump and 11 for Vice President. So Pence is

doing better.

Then Trump. What?

No. Say no. That's not true. That's the perfect answer. That's great.

And then Bill.

Mike, what the hell are you doing?

She said I was doing an 11 and that you were doing a 10. And Bill agreed.

Bill also said 11 to 10. What a disappointing bunch of people.

And I want you all to leave who didn't agree with me now. Get up and leave. Get

out. George, get out of here for real.

Get out, Greg.

Shut the door.

Back to the survey.

Who here?

Believed that Donald J. Trump is the greatest president to have ever lived.

100 % unbelievable.

See that?

100%. Screw you, Gallup. Screw you, Clinton.

We'll be right back.

My guest tonight is journalist and author, but more importantly, she's one

the Real Housewives of New York. Please welcome Carol Redswell.

Thank you so much for

being here, Carol.

Thank you for having me. I so want a dish. Isn't Mar -a -Lago so great? It's

gorgeous. If you're lucky.

You'll be one of the women I bring back to my bungalow. Oh, wow.

Now, you've been on The Real Housewives for five seasons now.

What is it like being around all that infighting and dysfunction all the time?

Well, I'm sure it's much like what's going on in the White House right now.

Oh, way.

Except that Steve totally told me that my sweater the other day was ugly.

And I was like, I don't even wear sweaters. That's my chest hair.

Now, which housewife do you think I resemble the most?

Oh, that's a good question because you have a lot of housewife qualities. I

would say you're a composite of three. You have

the craziness in the eyes of Miss Ramona Singer.

Yes. Remember when she walked down the runway and she was crazy?

Yes, yes, yes.

And you live sort of like, I could say, like an alternative universe with

alternative facts, much like Sonia Morgan.

Sonia. Yeah. And then, of course, there is Luann. And very much like Luann, you

have this idea that somehow you're royalty, maybe like a count or a king,

perhaps. I'm going to call myself the kingest.

You can count on the kingin'. That could be your tagline.

Be cool.

It was so funny when she fell down, huh?

Last week, she fell down in Mexico. I didn't know you watched.

Oh, are you kidding me?

It's all over, Roni. I watch it.

I have Steve Bannon come in and bring me a milk.

I get three scoops of ice cream.

And then I sit on the bed with my feet where the head's supposed to be and my

hands like this.

So this season was very intense because it happened during the election.

You are the most political, it seems, of all the Housewives.

So what is your opinion about those who haven't voted or their political

proclivities on the show?

I think it's a shame, I think, when 100 million people in the country don't vote

at all. We have a problem. I know you're very concerned about those 5 million

people who voted illegally, which, have you ever found them?

No.

In the last 20 years, reality shows have taken over television, let's face it,

okay? I mean, entire networks.

Bravo used to show opera and ballet.

Yes, it's very high culture. That's right. But the point being is

becoming reality to the degree that even I, a reality star, became the president

of the United States. I know. Who would have thought? Everywhere you go,

everyone is observing each other with their camera phones, with their digital

recordings, broadcasting, so that at all times people are both observing

themselves and being observed.

So at what point...

Does the nature of privacy disappear so that we are all performing all the time

as opposed to having any private self or private thought?

Wow.

Is there a question in there?

Yeah. I mean, we're all performing in our own little reality shows on

and Facebook. And I don't know. I guess we'll have to see 25 years from now.

What do you think it will be?

Maybe people will be more, I mean, let's look at the glass half full. Maybe

people will be more self -aware because they'll be observing themselves and they

see how they act.

And there won't be a level of tone deafness that runs in this country and

certainly runs sometimes through some of the reality shows that we've seen.

Last question.

Which relationship is a bigger sham?

Tom and Luann or me and Mike Pence?

I'm going to go with you and my friends.

Joe Redwell, everybody!

What a

great

theme. Our theme was reality.

And I've had many realities to reflect on.

I'm Donald Trump, the 80s real estate developer who convinces everyone I'm

incredibly rich while my companies go bankrupt six times.

I'm Donald Trump, the reality TV star who everyone loves because I make people

think they can become millionaires by successfully managing a bake sale.

I'm Donald Trump.

The creep who owns beauty pageants because people said it's not okay to

woman's zoo.

I'm Donald Trump, the candidate who rallies a sea of white faces against

mythical Mexican rapists, disabled reporters, and gold star families. And

NBC still lets me go on their comedy shows.

And now, I'm President Trump.

the outsider who said he'd drain the swamp, then clog the drain with Goldman

Sachs turds.

Like me.

I'm the Trump who's not the Trump, who hates the Trump, who loves the Trump.

I'm in over my head, but I'm pulling the job down to my level.

My chaos is your new reality, and chaos makes for damn good TV.

The de -evolution will be televised.

Bye -bye!