Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final President of the United States.

Wow. Amazing.

Wow. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm so proud of what we've accomplished today.

Everyone loved when Obama killed bin Laden.

And now everyone will remember where they were when I freed O .J. Simpson.

Mr. President, Mr. President, your party controls the whole government. Why

can't you pass a health care bill? It would have passed if it weren't for the

three to five million illegal senators who shouldn't have been able to vote in

the first place.

So is your plan now just to kill Obamacare? I'm not killing Obamacare.

letting it die naturally.

The same way you let your grandmother die naturally, by unplugging her oxygen

and shoving her down the stairs.

Is there a theme tonight?

Tonight's theme is Made in America.

Because what makes America great is what America makes.

Wow! That's like the first good thing I've ever said.

We're celebrating the hardworking Americans who are making all kinds of

From the lady in the shower cap who makes honey bunches of oats to the elves

the tree who fudge all the stripes.

And of course, those beautiful Clydesdale horses who love beer and hate

All such great Americans.

Why did you say it was unfair for Jeff Sessions to recuse himself on Russia?

I have a very simple test for fairness.

Does this thing earn me money, make me look smart, or arouse me sexually?

If the answer to any of those is no, totally unfair.

Any comment on the continuing accusations that you colluded with

No, I don't have a comment. What do I look like, Don Jr.? Kind of. Yes, he's

your son, yeah. Please, Don Jr.

wishes he looked like this.

Ding.

Folks, let's not make this into something ugly like my son.

If I could get rid of him, I would, but someone's got to go to jail. I'm the

president. Can you repeal it? Nope.

Let's roll!

There he is.

Welcome to the show.

Joining me later is the original nasty woman, Joy Behar.

But now, he's a wet marshmallow coughed up by a dog. It's my son!

Yes, that is such a terrible thing to say, sir. Mike, tonight, I'm in my

element. I'm on TV, surrounded by props. Beautiful, beautiful. And not just any

props, sir. No.

All these lovely products were made right here in America.

From the crab trap to the electric guitar to this coal miner hat. Whoa!

Wow, hey, look at that. It's a happy, happy coal miner. How about that?

Wow.

It's an honor, Mr. President. It's been a tough couple of years.

then I'm sure you'll be glad to know that in my first six months, I've

45 ,000 references to coal mining jobs.

And that's got to feel good.

Respectfully, sir, since you mentioned jobs. Uh -uh -uh. You're welcome. It's

fine. Now go please stand over there by the other hats.

You know, Mike, I'm very busy doing presidency things.

And as I tweeted last week, I have very little time for watching TV.

Oh, okay. Well, then I guess you don't want me to bring in your TV, then. No,

no, no, no. Give me TV.

Give me TV.

Give me TV. Give me TV. You got it, sir. No problem. It's time for Screaming at

the TV.

There you go.

Oh, wow.

Let's see what good news they're reporting about me this week.

The bill to repeal and replace Obamacare did not receive enough votes, and now

you have these three Republican senators who say they will vote against a repeal

-only bill, effectively killing the whole thing.

This is horrible!

This is so typical.

Women ruin Ghostbusters, they ruin Doctor Who, and now they're going to

terrible health care bill that I didn't write, haven't read, and already forgot

about. What are we doing again?

We're screaming at the TV, sir. Hey, show me another thing.

Ron Johnson of Wisconsin has said, I don't know if I have trust in Mitch

McConnell anymore.

You've heard this about Paul Ryan in the House, that maybe we need a change in

leadership. Maybe it's generational. Maybe it's philosophical.

It's time for change. No, no, no.

We can't get rid of the Republican leadership. We need those guys. If Paul

went away, Steve would have to call someone else a, quote, limp dick mother.

And who's that going to be, huh, Mike? Who?

Oh, sorry, sir. I was just updating my Little House on the Prairie blog.

Never mind.

I think I found the guy.

Okay, talk to me.

TV! You say that you're going to, you know, try to make more stuff in America,

try to hire more America, and the exact same week, it's very easily proved that

Ivanka's company, Donald Trump's company, makes a lot of their stuff

Oh, yeah?

So what?

You know who loves double standards and likes to smash things?

This guy.

Oh, gosh, sir. Whoa!

Another!

The United States has been compromised by Vladimir Putin. This president

to have been compromised by Vladimir Putin.

I am not compromised!

It was just a conversation. I had to talk to him. It was dessert.

I mean, what could I do? He moved on me like a bitch, Mike.

You know?

When you're there, the czar, they let you do it. Yes. Once again, sir, I am

Billy Bush.

Nice one, Billy.

Okay, more pictures with sounds.

How do you feel like you can effectively serve from here on out if you don't

have the confidence of the president?

We're serving right now. The work we're doing today is the kind of work that we

intend to continue.

Continue?

No, you're supposed to quit.

Take a hint, Bilbo.

You're going to ruin everything for me! God damn it! God damn it!

Oh, God!

God damn it! Don't! Don't!

And they told me not to talk about it. So I'll show you.

For as long as I can remember, I've always pretended to act like a gangster.

All these crybaby Democrats in the fake news media call me the

mobster president. Like it's an insult.

But I love it.

So there I was in the kitchen of an old school Italian restaurant.

trying to find the secret passageway to some good fellas so I could learn how to

be the greatest boss the world has ever seen.

I think I've been this way before.

How the hell do I get out of here?

Go that way.

There we go.

Baby, let's roll the dice.

I'm Donald Trump.

Nice to meet you.

Finally, I got a seat at the table.

First, you got Frank DiMatteo, son of an enforcer for the Gallo crime family.

Frankie was driving getaway cars before he could walk.

Then there was Alonzo Esposito, a .k .a. Boston Bob Louise.

This guy ran rackets up and down the eastern seaboard.

Last but not least, Michael Franci, a .k .a. the Yuppie Don. The FBI once called

him the most powerful and richest gangster in the world. I couldn't wait

what these wise guys had to say.

Mr. President, we here, we manja together.

Yeah. You understand?

We all eat. I'm not talking about food now. Okay. Here's what I'm trying to

you.

Eat?

No.

Is that what we're saying? We don't do that. We don't do that. No? No. Good.

Neither do I.

No. Yeah. You want to be a good boss? I want to be a good boss. Everybody around

you got to eat. Democrats, Republicans, everybody got to eat. I get it. I get

it. You got it. You got it. Everybody gets to eat. But isn't it better to hire

bunch of people, then you don't pay them, and then when they sue you, you

negotiate down the road?

No, that's not what I mean. Not in our field. We don't do that. We don't do

that. That's what I've done for years. That's not a good boy. See, if you did

that in our life, you won't last.

No. You'd be gone.

Gone.

I felt like a regular schnook.

Nevertheless, I persisted.

So what else do I need to work on? I think you should be a little low -key, a

little bit with your tweeting. I tweeted today that I'm meeting you guys. No.

Did you really? No more tweets.

I got a tweet. No. But I get so angry.

And I get worked up, and I go, I got to say this right now.

You can't let people know what you're thinking, ever.

Now, wait a minute. You're saying I can't even use emoticons?

No. Not even the duty one with the eyes?

Nothing. Not even the duty one.

Nothing.

Agavish.

Agavish? You know what this means, agavish. I love a fresh agavish.

Agavish, mozzarella, a little bit of basil, some tomato, and a focaccia roll.

No. No agavish.

No agavish. I don't understand.

What did they think?

I was funny? I was a clown?

Well, clowns are funny.

I knew I had earned their respect.

I'm worried. He's got too many leaks in the White House. He's got a lot of

leaks. This is a big issue. This is with Comey. You know about Comey, the FBI

director? What's this thing you talked to him about? Well, the thing was, I

said, listen, you're going to lay off, right? I just said, you're going to lay

off. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. He didn't get it at

all. I think you should have fired him right away. In the beginning.

Never trust the FBI.

Never trust. Never trust the FBI. That's the first rule.

I can't stand the FBI.

The FBI is a bunch of jerks.

You could tell he was hanging out with us. His father had a lot of good

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Who are some of my father's friends?

You can't share that?

Daddy helps me out once again.

We have so much in common. My paisan, my pizone.

So what else do I need? Is there anything else that I need that I'm

You listen.

Pay attention.

See, everything we do, it's about familial. What?

Everything. I think it's important to keep your family close.

But what about Melania? What if I want a new wife?

Oh, no.

You don't understand. We were never allowed to get divorced.

What?

Are you kidding me? No divorce in that life. Well, how did you, you know...

Well, you had your gumara on the side. A gumara. A gumara.

A friend with benefits. A friend with benefits. That's what you got to get.

For, like, my daughter?

What is this? Ah, shame on you.

You think it's time to go? Yeah, it's going to take a lot of work. I'm done.

Having paid their respects, they decided to leave.

But for those four and a half minutes, we were kings.

We think you were good. You were good. You could tell he was hanging out with

us. You have the power now.

Shame on you.

You know what else was made in America?

Me. The Don.

Old Trump.

We'll be right back.

My guest tonight is the longest running co -host on The View on ABC.

Please welcome Joy Bayard.

I wish we could have gotten Barbara

Walters, but we got you instead.

That's your loss, I guess. Of course.

Barbara's home watching, and she'll be thinking of you.

She will. She was a friend of yours. Listen, she liked you.

Barbara liked me? She did for a while, yeah. What's wrong with her? I don't

know.

Speaking of friends, now I've been on The View many times.

Now, you and I used to be great, great, incredible friends.

We were?

Why were we friends exactly? I don't remember.

We were friends.

Oh, I went to your wedding.

I went to your wedding to Marla.

It was like really to offer my sympathy to Marla, but I went anyway.

And do you remember what your hatchet men did to me at that wedding?

Didn't I take the film? Yes, I got up to dance. That's right. And I go back to

my table and my film is taken out.

Of the camera.

That's how long ago it was we actually had film.

Don't worry.

And I was like, who's here? What do you have, the KGB working for you then?

Yes.

Yeah.

I always thought that I would make a great co -host on The View, Joy.

Really? I love talking over women.

It's one of my favorite things.

So can I be a host on The View? I have a 36 % approval rate.

That's 36 % plus what you guys get. Yeah,

well, we have very high ratings on The View. And then you add mine, and then

you're over 100. Well, no, so you need more.

You need us more than we need you.

But, you know, with your history of grabbing women by the pussy, I don't

so. Wow.

I don't think so.

Now, I was sitting with you on The View election night special.

When the results were coming in, what was going through your mind when I was

winning? I was drinking. I was drinking. I was becoming

an alcoholic as the returns were coming in.

That's what I was doing. You were celebrating.

No, no.

No.

Drowning my thoroughness.

Don't be sad, Joy.

I am not sad.

I know your name's Joy. That's right.

That's what your girlfriend Amorosa said to me on The View.

Amorosa? Yeah, Amorosa.

Right on.

Yeah.

On The View, you pointed out that the Democrats have lost four elections in a

row. Yeah, they have, yeah. Total losers, let's face it. Yeah.

Now, you said that using me as a scapegoat isn't working.

What should they do?

Oh, but you know what? You're going to self -destruct. They don't have to lift

finger.

They don't. You're going to do it to yourself.

Self -destruct? Yes. I do that every time after I eat a big Wendy's meal.

Oh, that's not what you mean.

There are so many disasters in my administration.

But what is the greatest one? The greatest disaster, I guess, is putting

idiot Pruitt in there.

Pruitt. The guy who's in charge of the EPA wants to destroy the environment.

Like, he doesn't breathe like everybody else?

He doesn't. No. He's got fish skills.

If you get close up to him, we keep him in a big tank in the White House. And he

has to swing around with an electric eel I bought.

He's like the incredible Mr.

Limpet. Yes. The young crowd will remember that. Don Knotts.

You know, some people say that you have maybe an onset of dementia.

Is that true? Because I saw it just there. The onset?

Yeah. No, full -blown.

Full -blown.

Is it true you're writing a book about me? I have. It's coming out. What is it?

It's coming out October 24th. I hear it's sort of like a survival guide for

president. Yes, it's for people who did not vote for you.

What? To get through the next...

100 days.

Wait a minute.

A presidency lasts longer than 100 days?

Not yours.

Oh. Yeah. I want to play a game. Okay.

Since your book is a survival guide, let's play a word game where I name a

person, place their thing, and you tell me how they can survive my presidency.

Okay. You ready, Joy? Okay, I'm ready.

Free speech.

Free speech?

Yeah. Well, that is what I use to attack you. So I call you an idiot. You call

your son an idiot.

Very good. That's free speech. That's the First Amendment.

Sean Spicer.

Spicer. Will Spicer survive?

There aren't enough bushes in the universe for him to hide behind.

Polar bears.

Polar bears. Will they survive?

Yeah. No, no. See, this is what makes me mad. This guy Pruitt again. We'll bring

it back to him. Pruitt, the fish guy. Yeah, the fish guy.

The polar bears are disappearing. And if they don't disappear fast enough, one

of your idiot sons will shoot them.

Well, not Don Jr.

Yeah, no, the other idiot. What's the other idiot's name? I don't know his

The failing New York Times.

I have never had higher ratings since you got into office.

People are buying newspapers again. They're buying newspapers not just for

dogs to piss on. They're buying newspapers to read since you got into

How do you like that?

I don't like it.

Newspapers should be used to cover balloons and then make weird shell

Paper mache. I like paper mache. Do you like paper mache?

I love it. Oh. Macron.

Paper mache.

French.

That's my French. Free associating?

No. You're free associating in French now?

When I was in Paris, that's all I said. Everything. I went, paper mache.

Paper mache.

Me.

You.

Would you survive?

Yes. I'll leave that to the audience. What do you think?

They love you. They totally love you. When they boo.

It's just laughter going inward.

Joy's book comes out this fall.

Joy Behar, everyone, will be right back.