Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the 45th and final President of the United States.

Mr.

President. Mr. President.

Mr. President.

Mr. President. Mr. President.

Everyone calm down and don't panic.

As you know, only a few hours ago, I was in Paris with President Emmanuel Louis

Macaroni, and his beautifully fit...

Tight wife.

That's the kind of hottie you find in Paris, not Pittsburgh, let me tell you.

But the events of the past few days have forced me to return home to update you

on the status of this terrible outbreak.

What outbreak?

The horrible virus that has infected the brains of millions of people, forcing

them to believe bogus, ridiculous, well -documented things about me and Russia.

Some know it as Kremlin influenza.

To others, it's Moscow disease.

And to an unlucky few, it's spirea.

Those aren't diseases.

Yes, they are. I'm wearing the science coat.

It's spread through fake news media, and I alone can fix it. Now, don't worry.

We're going to contain this outbreak, because tonight's theme is containment.

I want to ask you about your son.

My son, Eric?

Thank you so much for asking.

He's doing so great. Clear eyes, soft gums, can't lose.

No, no, your other son.

Jared, of course.

Donald Jr.

Well, in a way, Jared is the junior I never Donalded.

Those emails prove that your son met with a surrogate of the Russian

No parent wants to talk about their firstborn.

Your firstborn is like the first pancake.

It's misshapen, it's a disappointment, and you wish you hadn't named it after

yourself.

You name your pancakes?

Keep my pancakes out of your mouth!

Now, everyone, barricade your doors, convert all your assets to gold, and

your loved ones under the bus.

I'm the president.

Can you believe it? Let's roll!

Yeah. Yeah.

Welcome to the show.

Later on, I'll be talking to reporter Matt Taibbi from Rolling Stone, a

whose cover I've appeared on hundreds of thousands of times.

With me, as always, is one of the White Walkers from the Game of Thrones, Mike

Pence. Oh, hello.

Thank you, sir.

Hello, everybody.

Just finishing up over here. Just finishing up, sir. Mike is sealing up

Office because there's a contagion out there.

Fortunately, we're safe and no one else is getting in.

Is that you, Dad?

What the?

Oh. Don Jr.

Oh, no.

Outbreak not contained.

Outbreak not contained.

Outbreak not contained.

Dad, there's an outbreak that's not contained. Turn that off! Turn it off!

Outbreak not contained. What the hell is wrong with you?

Do you know that picture where JFK Jr.

crawled out of the desk?

Everyone loved that.

So now they'll all love little Dundon.

You're hiding from Robert Mueller, aren't you?

Fuck, dude.

Well, At least he's being honest, sir. That's my boy. Totally transparent.

Now sit down on the couch and don't touch anything.

Now watch daddy tell everyone what to do.

It's time for executive orders.

A huge iceberg broke off of Antarctica the same week that that psycho Joe

Scarborough broke away from the Republican Party.

So, executive order, Joe Scarborough and the iceberg have to trade places.

Scarborough has to live in the South Pole, and the iceberg has to sit next to

that bloody -faced, low -IQ Mika.

Well, you really hate women, Dad.

It's like if they won't have sex with you, you're all pissed. And then if they

do have sex with you, you'll lose respect for them because they had sex

you.

It is a trip.

Okay, all right, okay. How about a little less transparency, Don, okay? Oh,

yeah, yeah, no, I'm chill.

Mike, why are you sitting all the way down there?

You're not distancing yourself from me and my family, are you? Oh, no, no, sir,

of course not. No, I'm happy to... There we go.

Then why are you hosting private meetings with big Republican donors at

residence? This better not be what it looks like, you albino worm.

What?

No, sir, no, no. I know what you're getting at, but it has been the honor of

life to serve as your vice president, sitting at your right hand, the way that

St. Peter will sit... Nice try, Mike, okay?

Executive order.

No guy named Mike from Indiana who have never done cocaine can be president.

Well... Sir, no, that's not fair, sir.

Who says I'm talking about you? I can pretend to be weird.

That's hilarious, Dad, because at first, Mike had no political future without

you, and now he only has a political future without you.

Time is funny.

Jesus!

This is why we're in so much trouble. Do you ever shut up? Yeah, when you

divorced Mom, I shut up and not talk to you for a whole year.

Best year of my life.

Moving on, this morning, Republican senators released their new plan for

repealing and replacing Obamacare. And it still might not pass.

This thing is dying a slow, gruesome death.

So, executive order, we need to pass a

health care bill for the health care bill.

Sure. It has a pre -existing condition.

Yeah, I suck.

You suck.

Yeah, yeah, I suck.

But that's no reason to deny it coverage.

We'll call it the A -H -C -A -H -C -A.

Or a cha -cha -cha -cha.

It's so funny because it's not even about health care.

Repealing Obamacare is all about tax cuts for rich people like us. If we

cared about lowering health care costs, we'd move to a single -payer system so

we could negotiate prices with providers.

God damn it, get back under the desk right now. Plus, the whole thing with

Obamacare was that a black guy told us to do it, and we did not like that.

And then you said he was born in Kenya, but you knew. No, no.

You knew he wasn't born again. No, I did not. I did not. And you only ran for

president because you wanted to renegotiate the apprentice.

Zip it.

Zip it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Totally.

Remember when you got all dressed up to go to Chelsea Clinton's wedding because

you thought you were invited, but you were actually not invited at all?

Mike, will you stop him?

Oh, no.

You're upsetting the president. Please stop.

Oh, yeah. No, no.

I will. Remember when you came downstairs naked that time and your fupa

stuck in the banister?

And then we realized your pubes looked like Captain Crunch? Enough!

You're a low -quality person. You're a low -quality person.

Well, cat's in the cradle, Dad.

No more transparency.

Executive order. We're going to commercial.

Welcome back.

I went to Europe over break. What did you do, Mike?

Well, sir, I went on a mission. I went on a holy mission.

Oh, please, that sounds boring. But let's see it.

As governor of Indiana, I did my darndest to keep the Hoosier state gay

Now, as vice president, it's my goal to make America stranger.

So I met with John Smith, a man who spent years as a counselor converting

people. And I was ready to learn how.

We treated it like any traditional chemical addiction.

I had an uncle once who caught my cousin smoking cigarettes. And he said, well,

you want to smoke cigarettes? You've got to smoke the whole pack.

Would that work with homosexuality? Like, here's a whole bunch of guys.

got to smoke the whole pack. And then you see how much you like it. That

wouldn't work? No.

John explained how to make gay people straight in three easy steps.

One of the first things we would do is sports exploration.

we hoped would break some of the fear barriers to sports involvement. There

therapists that did positive male touch. So you could make it okay for men to

just be men with each other. We tried to do that. We looked at clothing types

that are associated with stereotypical male or female roles.

And here you are today, and you have gone through all that, and you are a gay

man. Ex -gay man. Well, you forgot to say ex.

Well, I mean, I married a woman.

That's fantastic.

Yeah. And you're still married? No. You're a single man.

I married to my amazing husband.

You're roommates. You have a roommate.

But the people that you worked with turned from gay to straight. There were

men that came through our program, and out of that 475, maybe... 400. 5 %

still classify themselves being ex -gay. It did not work.

Maybe you didn't do it the right way.

But I might be able to do it the right way.

Excited about what I had just learned. I got six actual unsuspecting gay people

to sit down with me so I could fix their lives.

You're welcome.

In my world, gay could also mean future straight. You're going to become

straight. Putting it aside the way you'd put down a sandwich.

So I'm going to do some stuff I think could make your life better. I'd like

gentleman to sort of come up here. We're going to go through some sports

enjoyment. And the women, you guys can sit there and just sort of rest your

ovaries or whatever.

Okay, so now it's baseball time.

Ross, you hold that.

So I will pitch now to you. Sometimes I'm a catcher. Okay, ready? Let's play

baseball, right?

Great.

Okay. Well, who still feels gay?

Okay.

Maybe you guys can do positive male touch.

Okay, so we're all giving massages. This is something straight men could do with

each other, and it doesn't have to lead to anything.

Oh, my gosh, that's good. Don't stop.

Please don't stop.

Oh, I'm on a beach in... Fire Island.

Where's Fire Island? That sounds incredible.

Here is a box of all -girl stuff.

There's a box of boy stuff.

Go ahead and pick the stuff that you feel like is right for you.

See what you like.

Oh, okay. I don't want to say you did it wrong, but almost everyone did it

wrong. Sunny has a male cowboy look. I'm sorry. Neff, you look like an out -of

-work magician.

You're wearing my aunt's jewelry at this moment.

She's got nice teeth.

Okay. Does anyone feel a little bit straighter than when they walked in?

No. Hmm.

I feel like your point is flawed, and I feel like your point of view is very

damaging, not only to yourself, but to other people. And I feel like you should

be a straight person.

So now see how we're having a good dialogue where we're both listening to

other. No, not at all. You're not listening to a single word that I'm

Let's all join hands and pray a little bit.

Lord, may you make Neff's pants whole again.

So much material has been removed from there.

May you find more appropriate shoes than boaters for Chris to wear, for I don't

believe he's voting today.

Dear God, make sure that they live in your path and

all become straight. Amen. Great. That's it. That's the end.

There's no backseats with prayers.

Hallelujah. My plan worked. Now if I could only find more future ex -gays.

You came at the right day. We could just walk over and you would be met by tons

of gay people.

I could meet tons of gay people today.

Tons. Thank you so much, guys. I can't wait.

And look in the mirror. I have no idea.

I really learned a valuable lesson that day.

Gay people don't know what's good for them.

But I do.

Hi, I'm the vice president.

And if you close your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.

I can help you. I can help all of you.

I can help all of you.

We'll be right back.

My guest tonight is author and political reporter for Rolling Stone.

His new podcast, The Tarfu Report, premieres this week. Please welcome Matt

Taibbi.

Matt,

thank you so much for joining me. Thank you, Mr. President. I'm a little jet

-lagged from Para.

Just got back.

Now, you report on finance, politics, corruption, and sports.

So basically everything I do, except sports.

Are you obsessed with me?

How can I not be obsessed with you? You're on every channel all the time. I

would love to not be obsessed by you.

You wrote a book about the 2016 presidential campaign called Insane

President. Now, I don't get it.

Am I insane or am I a clown? Because I know I'm president.

You're all three.

What? Yeah, no, I just figured you were so unpopular that whatever title made

you out to be more like an asshole would sell the most.

So that's why I changed it. Well, first off, I'm so popular. If you take away

the 10 million illegal votes from Phantom Ghosts, I won the popular vote,

That's probably true. Have you seen the map? I show everybody the map. I'll show

you the map after the interview.

It's all red, and then it's a little blue on the edges.

And that means I won.

All right.

All right.

You've written a lot about the wealth gap in this country.

During the election, Hillary was considered the candidate of Wall Street.

now my whole cabinet is made up of Goldman Sachs type. How did that happen?

don't know. You tell me. I don't pay attention to what's going on.

I remember you on the stump on the campaign trail saying that you were not

to be in the pocket of Goldman Sachs and Ted Cruz was totally controlled by

Goldman Sachs.

Lion's head, right? And Hillary Clinton, she was totally... And then like two

minutes after you got inaugurated, you're surrounded by Goldman Sachs

What happened? Goldman Sachs Trump.

Yeah. Is it even possible to drain the swamp?

Or are these big bank billionaires just part of the process now?

I think the ironic thing is that the only way to get...

the big bank billionaires and the Goldman Sachses out of government is to

somebody who be elected who comes completely outside the system, who isn't

of the two major parties, someone just like you, except the irony is you got

elected and you brought exactly those same people into government.

So that theory doesn't work. It doesn't work. So much. What a dummy, huh?

Is it that we've entered into a period of corporate feudalism where

governments... are actually like the dukes and duchesses who report to the

which is the corporation, and therefore our democratic system has actually been

usurped by multinationals. So there's no possible way to actually govern because

everything is controlled by private interests.

I'm just so stunned by you using the term corporate feudalism that you just,

again, you lost me completely in the middle of that question.

Okay. What do you think, though?

Yes. Really?

Yeah. You got one right. I'm winning right now.

Why isn't my base more upset about this? I keep trying to piss them off, and

everything I do, they're like, we love you, we love you. It's like a baby that

you're punching a crib.

You yourself said it during the campaign that you could go out and shoot

somebody in the middle of New York City, and they'd forget about it five minutes

later, but you haven't gotten around to that yet. I gotta do that.

Next time I'm up in New York, everyone's talking about Russia and my stupid son,

Don Jr.

Now, you lived in Russia for six years.

Ten. Ten years?

Mm -hmm. What about the missing four?

What do you think is going on with all this?

What do you think has happened? Do you actually, do you believe your son's

account of things? My son is totally transparent, and I love my boy.

Anyway, now you're starting a new podcast with Alex Perrine called Tarfu.

What is it about?

Well, Tarfu is an old military acronym that stands for totally and royally.

Wow. Yeah, and we figured it's sort of in honor of the Trump era because we're

in a Tarfu era.

So it's the Tarfu Report.

What's a podcast?

It's like radio, but on the internet.

I like that. I love Fibber McGee and Molly.

Matt Taibbi, everybody!

America, we've just made a huge discovery.

The toxic element that causes this terrible, terrible disease is called

proof.

And the experts say it's incontrovertible. When a little bit of

introduced into a political scandal, it can quickly metastasize and become a lot

of proof, which can be a death sentence for a host administration.

Do I have the stick, Daddy? No, no.

No, no, my sweet boy.

You're fine.

My son is not fine.

He has become infected.

And now he's giving everybody proof.

But I have the antidote. Total and complete containment.

Containment. That's our theme. That's right.

Now come over here.

Everything's going to be fine. Come to Daddy.

Everything's going to be fine. Come to daddy. Come on. Come to daddy.

There we go.

Outbreak contained.

Dad, my fidget!

Outbreak not contained. Shut up, computer lady!

Mike, why would you turn this on?

I didn't turn it on. Oh, no. That must mean... Whoa, Dad!

You're the disease!

No. No. Outbreak not contained.

It's me!

It's me!